Just a fair warning. Today is going rough, and this is a rant about it. Sort of introspective towards the end. Writing really helped me work though most of the feelings, and I will continue to look inward to find the peace I know is there.

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I keep having to tell myself that today doesn’t suck. I keep having to put extra effort into remembering the good, positive things that have happened.

But the longer the day goes on the harder and harder it is.

I’m overwhelmed right now. Over stimulated.

I want to be at home. Alone.

I don’t want Joshua or Susan to be at the apartment having tickle fights and reminding me that I don’t have anyone to do things like that with.

I don’t want an involved committed relationship. And really, I’m fine as long as I don’t have constant reminders of my lack of physical touch.

No hugs, no holding hands, no cuddles.

Just Jen. The walking dictionary, with answers to everyone’s questions.

Dictionaries don’t need hugs.

And honestly, for real, not just saying it so people don’t worry about me, I’m cool as long as it’s not flaunted in my face, in my safe space, that I don’t have that level of affection in my life at the moment.

It’s like when you’re hungry. You can ignore it, keep working, doing your thing, as long as there isn’t a four course meal sitting in front of you, reminding you that, oh yeah, you haven’t eaten, but you can’t have anything of the stuff that’s there. It’s not yours.

I wanted today to go the way it was supposed to, the way it was planned. And it hasn’t.

It’s like every move I tried to make the Universe was like, “Lawl, one second.” And then bam. Brick wall in my face.

I was still recovering from my trip, but I had hopes that though I would be low energy today, that it would be good.

I stayed at school last night for a little while. Frank offered to let me leave early. He could tell that I was having a rough time. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want the noise in my ears, the chatter. I didn’t want the energies of other people around me.

I needed solitude.

So when he offered to let me go I told him how grateful I was. How I hardcore owed him.

Instead of going home I went over to our offices. I new it would be empty that late at night, and I figured I could work on some of my art homework as a way to unwind from my trip and still be productive.

There were a bunch of students in the lobby though, and I ended up helping one person with a script they were working on, and chatting with another group for roughly 30 minutes. I couldn’t extract myself out of the conversation any sooner than that.

I finally made it up stairs, and I really enjoyed the silence. I was able to complete all of the shading assignment and got the images scanned. All I have to do is post the images for grading.

It was so nice and relaxing. I had a cup of coffee since there’s a coffee machine upstairs, and it was warm and soothing. The shading gave me something relatively easy to do so I was able to let my mind wonder and not really have to focus on higher-level thinking.

I was starting to feel better. Not that I really felt bad. Just with the trip, it was nice to have some time to just breathe. To not worry about being somewhere on time, or fixing someone’s problem. It was ‘me time’ where all I had to do was exist. Where simply existing was enough.

I went home after my sketching was done.

Joshua and Susan were in the middle of being intimate, which normally wouldn’t bother me. But I had wanted to set up my laptop out in the living area and poke around a bit more on my computer, or cross-stitch. But I couldn’t do that.

So I went to my room instead, and willed myself to sleep so the day would be over.

When I woke up, like I said I knew it would be a ‘low’ day, but I had things I could get done, so it should still have been a good day. And logically I know it’s not a ‘bad’ day, but it’s so hard not to think of it as one.

I woke up super early. I went to sleep around 3 and woke up at 8:30. If I had gotten up I could have gone to a spin class, but I was ok with the thought of going to the gym later, at 3pm.

So I was going to take the morning to myself. Take it slow and easy, sort of a thing.

I enjoyed a breakfast of coffee, part of an apple with honey, and a little bit of cheese. It was going good until Joshua and Susan started having a tickle contest or something.

My inner introvert just wasn’t ready for it. I needed to be alone, and hearing other people wasn’t being alone.

I gathered up my laundry and left the apartment. I needed to do this anyway so, whatever. I’ll leave and let them do their thing, and I’ll go ahead and start my day.

When I got to the laundromat I messaged Jarrett. We were supposed to meet at 11am so he could give me part of the money he owes for the bills. He would only have $100 out of the $160, but that was still a lot better than nothing, and it showed an effort to pay me back.

Well, he replied saying that he had misread my message and thought we were supposed to meet tomorrow. He was already on the bus heading to work.

Awesome…

We could meet up later he offered.

I told him I would be at work from 5pm until 1am, but that I had a break at 7 if we wanted to try to meet then. Or I could stop by after work if he was still awake.

He said he could stop by school most likely, and that he would let me know later if that was an option.

Currently I haven’t heard anything else from him.

I hadn’t been looking forward to seeing him. In fact I was having pretty intense anxiety over it. I didn’t want to be around anyone, much less someone who makes me feel so strongly.

I wasn’t in a good position to see him earlier, and I’m totally not now. I want a rock to hide under.

So that was a bust, and I accepted that change in my day. I went in and got my laundry started.

I had planned to use the time to do the reading for my class. There’s wifi at the laundromat, and a charging station. I hadn’t thought it would be a big deal that my laptop was dead. I could charge it there…

Wrong…

There was another person sitting there using their laptop.

Ok… So no homework…

Laundry would only take 20ish minutes to wash, so I couldn’t really go anywhere…

Alright. I’ll meditate instead. Combat the build up of stress, be proactive.

And I did. I found a song that I could zone out to, and focused on my breathing.

Once the wash was done I switched it to the dryer, which would be 40 minutes. Long enough that I could run to school, which is super close by, and charge my laptop for a bit, maybe get some administrative stuff done for work.

Mild productiveness. That would turn the day around.

I pulled into the parking lot and the first thing I see is Ari’s car.

I was so not even remotely interested in dealing with that.

I felt so trapped.

I couldn’t be at the apartment because of Joshua and Susan. I couldn’t be at the laundromat because Mr. Dude was at the only outlet. I couldn’t be at school because Ari would be in the break room.

I had lunch with Rebecca at 1, so I couldn’t really justify going somewhere else like the McDonalds, just to go out somewhere else in an hour.

Frustrated, I called my mom.

I told her how my day was going. How I was frustrated, and I didn’t really know what to do. I wasn’t looking for a fix, or an answer to my woos. Just someone to let me rant for a minute.

It was like every step I tried to take I was being pushed backwards. I just wanted to get something done. Was that really so much to ask for?

While I was on the phone with my mom I saw a car pull in that looked a lot like Joshua’s. My mom and I stayed on the phone until it parked, and I was so happy to see it was Joshua and Susan.

The apartment would be empty! Huzzah! The day was perfect!

My mom and I hung up and I went back to the laundromat. Mr. Dude wasn’t at the station anymore, so I was able to hook my computer up and got some stuff done. Jovanny and I arranged to check out my desktop Friday evening, so that’s awesome.

I restructured Omnifocus a little, which is something I’ve been wanting to do. I went through my email. Minor things, but things that needed to get done.

Movement forward! Score! My great comeback for the day had started!

With laundry finished I had enough time to go home and actually put it away. The apartment was quiet and perfect.

I even took care of the cat food and water and litter box while I was home, then dashed out to be to lunch on time.

I was actually super happy that I was early. I was going to get our table…

Until I realized that I didn’t have my wallet with me…

For fucks sake, Universe. Could you please pick on someone else? Please, just a little? It’s not like I still have an eight-hour shift to work through or anything…

So I had to message Rebecca and let her know what had happened and that I would be late.

I almost thought about rain checking it. But this was the one thing I had been looking forward to today. So not. Screw you, Universe. This is happening. Even if you’re plotting against me.

So I went back home, again, to get my wallet. And wouldn’t you know it… Joshua and Susan were back home…

I didn’t even sigh. At the point I wasn’t surprised. I got my wallet, then went back to Chili’s. I could feel myself shutting down. Lockdown mode. No feelings. All walls.

I actually had a pretty fantastic lunch. There was good conversation with Rebecca and we both shared our stories of crazy hectic days that weren’t going as planned.

After lunch I went back home. There it was 2:40. If I left at 3:30 for the gym I could still get a good workout in.

Joshua and Susan where still at the apartment when I got home.

No solitude.

I couldn’t even be angry and frustrated any more. I just gave up. Resigned.

Susan was in the living room. I went to my room, put a song on repeat on my phone, and curled up with Scarlet on my bed, desperately ignoring the fact that I wasn’t alone.

That I wouldn’t be for the rest of the day… Or tomorrow… Or the day after… That my schedule currently sucks for the rest of the week and I have no idea how I’m going to survive.

All I could think was how I was going to have to come into work and answer non-stop questions. How the second lab has the one student in it that has literally done nothing to help himself pass this class, no notes, no tutoring, no nothing.

How I’m going to have to see Jarrett.

How I wasn’t ready for this. There was no way I was going to be ready, mentally, for work.

I didn’t go to the gym.

I didn’t want the risk of having seeing Terry, or Erin, or anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to be social. I wanted to be alone. This all consuming thought, this need.

So I stayed alone as long as I could. I showered, dressed, and came into work. I wore flip-flops because my shoes still weren’t dry from the wash.

Some students said hi to me while I was going to my lab. I said hi back but didn’t try to engage like I normally would. I saw Ari… Of all the people to run into…

She’s already messaged me on Facebook, which I’m ignoring.

I went to set up my laptop and realized I left my headphones in my car because I had used them for meditating earlier…

And now I’m sitting here writing. Getting interrupted every so often with questions that I have no idea how I’m answering.

I don’t know where I find these hidden reserves of will power.

I don’t know how I’m not flipping tables right now.

I desperately want to be alone. I would barter a lot for having the rest of the night, a normal work schedule for once, to myself.

I want it so bad I could cry in frustration.

I don’t’ want to fix other people’s problems right now. I want people to be self-sufficient and to find the answers themselves for once. And even as I write that I know that’s really just my inner introvert freaking out, rather than things I actually mean.

I don’t mind answering questions. I don’t mind helping people.

I mind when I’m overwhelmed and it feels like no one cares enough to give me space.

But that isn’t fair of me, because I haven’t told anyone that I need space.

I haven’t told Joshua how I felt pushed out of the apartment this morning.

Ari knows that I’m not interested in her. She hasn’t been overly pushy or clingy. But she’s the last person I want to be around right now. And one of the last people I want to deal with. Every interaction with her is an acrobatic feat of walking on eggshells.

I’m sorry I’m not interested in you. It’s nothing personal. It’s not rejection. It’s not because somehow you are unworthy.

It’s the fact that we’re not compatible and I’m not going to disrespect you or myself by playing pretend. There’s nothing wrong with just being friends. If you would back off enough to not suffocate what’s left of that friendship, that is.

You’re also a co-worker. It’s awkward for me. You make it feel like I can’t be here when you are because it’s an uncomfortable situation for me. I can’t even run into you in the hall, surrounded by other people, without having to hold my breath, praying that you won’t try to hug me, because I don’t want you in my personal space.

And it sucks because I know you don’t mean it in a bad way. But you know how I feel and so every time you make an infraction it feels like disrespect.

It would be really nice to not feel like the bad guy, when I’m the one who’s personal space is constantly invaded, violated.

And then there’s the whole Jarrett thing.

I don’t, hardcore don’t, want to see him. I don’t want to hug him, I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t think I have it in me to deal with an ex right now. Part of me will want the reassurance that I used to feel from him. I know I will. I’ll want to hide in his arms and let him be the strong one.

I’ll want to breathe in his scent and remember that at one point, not so long ago, I thought he would be my forever. I’ll want that happiness that I had. A part of me will want to forget and for a little while just pretend that things are ok between us. That there isn’t this giant canyon of hurt between us.

But he’s not my forever. And there is all of the hurt still associated with him. There are all of those hurtful words, those text messages, the lies.

I couldn’t pretend. No matter how much I want to.

There’s still the stress of not knowing if he’ll be out of the apartment on time. There’s the stress of not knowing if he’s destroyed it. If he’ll be out with enough time for me to go in and clean it up so we can get more of the security deposit back.

I still have to figure out when to get the Internet equipment back from him so I can turn it in.

There are all of these factors, all of these unknowns. And I don’t want to be an adult and deal with it right now. I want these issues to figure themselves out. Or evaporate. Or, hell, I don’t know, be resolved the way I plan for them to be resolved. There’s a novel idea.

Things working out the way they’re supposed to.

I don’t think I was asking for too much today.

And it sucks even more because I know the discord I feel inside is completely my own doing. If I would just let go of what I had planned, these ‘could have beens’ and just accept the reality of the day, then this imbalance, this discord would go away.

Nothing was unjust. Nothing was unfair. It was just different. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Good things have happened. I know they have.

I did all of laundry, and put it away
I cleaned up Omnifocus
I got the first assignment done already for school
I had lunch with Rebecca
I updated my GoDaddy information
My inbox is at zero
I have done all of my chores for today

It’s not a bad day. I know it’s not.

So why is it so hard for me to accept that? Why can I not recognize the good and accept that different doesn’t mean bad?