Relationships are the focus of day 13. This was the day that I dropped off the second time. Not so much because it was hard and I wasn’t ready for it. It was more because I became so introspective that I needed to take a step back and hardcore analyze my life.
Who was I associating myself with? Who were my friends? What state were my relationships in?
The first time I got to this point in the challenge I realized how weak I had let my most important relationships get. My relationship with my mom and brothers, my relationships with my friends from college. The handful of people I still cared about from high school.
I had been so focused and wrapped up in my own internal battles that I had withdrawn from the people I loved, and it took this challenge for me to realize just how far I had pulled way from the world.
I realized what relationships I had in my life that were negative and dragging me further down even though I was doing my best to stand up. I realized how that negativity was eating away at my efforts.
So this can be another really intense day. It’s another day that calls for brutal honesty.
Today’s homework is to look at the relationships in your life and to identify which ones aren’t healthy for you, and which people in your life push you and encourage you to be a better person. What relationships deserve more of your time and energy, and which ones might be better off falling to the wayside?
Unhealthy Relationships
It pains me to list Ari here. I have interacted with her a handful of times this month, passing each other in the halls, and it has been fine. But I feel it is more a ‘calm before the storm’.
Part of me wants to hang out with her, and to be able to go back to the pub and have drinks and a fun time, but I don’t think it would stay that way. I know she still has feelings for me, and I don’t know how to contend with that when I have already stated what I am comfortable with as far as our dynamic is concerned.
I’m not sure what else to do other than to keep my distance, which doesn’t solve the problem. Keeping my distance feels like a band-aid, letting infection fester under the surface. I have already been open and honest, I have already spoken my words. What other remedy is there? What can be done when those words are not respected and honored other than to walk away?
This is something to meditate further on. However, this is the only relationship in my life with any sort of infection.
Inspiring Relationships
My family will always push me and inspire me to be my best. Without their love and support I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. My mom and brothers are always there for me, even when I mess up.
My mom said it best when she said, “If any of you turned into a serial killer, I would be mildly disappointed.” That is unconditional love and acceptance, and I will always be grateful for having my family members in my life.
Mother Earth is another person who makes me strive to be the best I can be. I want to bring her honor, for her to have pride in who I am, and pleased with the person I am becoming.
I want to be an inspiration to her. We’re both striving to better ourselves. If she can do it, so can I. And if I can do it, so can she. We’re each other’s strength.
She is the Mother and I am the Dragon. We are both Earth. Different facets of the same diamond.
Sensei Jan. I’m not sure why I am so drawn to him. And I feel bad that I feel closer to Jan than Beata, because I love them both. But there is something about Jan, much like Mother Earth, were there is an acceptance and understanding. Some connection which I cannot explain in words. It is simply a feeling, and as an INFJ I am very protective of this vulnerable and misunderstood aspect of myself.
I cannot express it, but I will defend it, fiercely, to the very end.
I feel we are both warriors, that he is my mentor. Not just for aikido, but in life. I respect him. I feel he is honorable, and of good character.
There is a level of understanding, unconditional acceptance, like from my mom and Mother Earth, which might be why I’m so comfortable around him. It’s ok if I mess up, if I am not perfect. He will still be there. He will not be upset or get frustrated with me.
He will still clasp my hand as if we are commands in arms at the end of training, before I leave the dojo for the night. He will still smile and bow to me, and I will return the action as a sign of respect and honor. We will still make inside jokes, and tease each other about ‘bringing it’ when we’re about to practice a technique.
He didn’t think I was silly, or immature for my anger about the bank. He understood where I was coming from.
He’s a guy, a male, who accepts me for me, without the worry or expectation of a physically intimate relationship. I feel safe around him, and I feel like he understands that and understands how much it means to me.
He’s helping me to remember that friendship and love are more important than the feeling of bare skin, and that it’s not wrong of me to value those things more than physical intimacy. Just because most of my age group doesn’t seem to hold the same views as myself, doesn’t mean that I am ‘wrong’. It’s ok to be me, weird and quirky, seeing the world through vastly different eyes than those around me.
Often it’s like I am talking to myself when we have conversations. We have the same views, the same principles and morals. It is as if we are of the same cloth, the same clan. He and Beata are part of my inner circle now even though I have not known them for very long, and I want to be a better person for them. I want them to have pride and honor is calling me their friend.
I feel I need to invest more time into these key relationships. Especially with Mother Earth. I do not stay in touch with her as often as I feel I should. I need to make time for the people who are important to me, just as much as I need to make time for my projects and homework.
Everything is a balancing act.