Gratitude:
I am grateful for not having to work until later in the afternoon instead of zero-dark-thirty in the morning that way I can spend hours not being able to sleep and still manage to get a nap in before work.
#1 Goal:
Making my final meal before the cauliflower goes bad.
#1 Concern
Still my unstable dynamic.
#1 Achievement:
I achieved my goal yesterday. I also have a five-day writing streak according to WordPress. Pretty content with those two things.
Daily Summary:
I didn’t get to sleep until after 4am this morning. I called Ox and talked to him as he drove to work; that’s something I haven’t done in weeks with our schedules being opposite now. It was nice; reassuring. I needed to hear his voice after spending hours inside my own head.
I sent an email ending my unstable dynamic. I mentioned that as my #1 concern right now. I’m not proud to say I did it over email. There’s a lot that I’m feeling in regard to this situation and I still feel this isn’t the safest place to talk about it. That’s ok though. I was able to talk to Ox and my brother. I was able to work through at least some of the emotions enough to have fitful sleep from 5am to roughly 8am.
John and I talked extensively about his house buying adventure. Currently, if everything goes as planned they will close on the house 03/15. I still need to fill out the application to take over the lease for the house they’re renting. I won’t be able to do that until next Friday. Can’t afford the application fee until then.
That lead to a long conversation about the mother-in-law. I was also able to share what was going on in my life.
I rested for a while after my call with him. I was still in bed when Ox surprised me. He came over with Seafood Soup from the Chinese place we really like. It made it feel more ok to get out of bed and face the world.
As far as sickness goes. I feel fine. I’ll have a productive cough once in a while, but that’s it. The soup helped my sinuses. Nice, warm, and full of memories from previous times we’ve had soup together.
Ox left shortly before I started work. I had another graded call. Scored a 100. I found out next week we will have individual sessions to review our scorecards. That’s cool. Mine is above average so I feel ok about it. This card is also still within our “probationary” period, so it doesn’t actually count. Nothing else really exciting in the realm of work.
I finished both cross-stitch projects I was working on. So that’s cool. Reached my goal.
I got text messages from a former coworker. We chatted back and forth for a bit. Most likely won’t be able to see each other for a while. We’re trying to figure out something that works for both of us. Life doesn’t make that easy.
And here I am, at the end of the night, surviving my anxiety.
Random Ramblings:
I don’t really want to ramble tonight. I have stuff on my mind. I’m sure there are things I could work through or analyze. I’m not though. I need to be my friend for a while, and right now that means being a blanket burrito without inner judgment.
Gratitude:
I am grateful for solitude and inner strength.
#1 Goal:
Finish the two cross stitch patterns which are closest to completion.
#1 Concern
I ended my unstable dynamic.
#1 Achievement:
I cleaned the kitchen last night and made another one of my meals. I also showered. It seems so dumb to type those things as achievements. For me, they are. I could have done nothing. I could have let my depression and anxiety eat away at me. Though those things did hinder my ability to sleep, I’m proud that I still accomplished things within my life even if they were small things.
It has been nearly two years since I have added anything to my horde. Seeing that reality reflected in numbers hurts. I am returning to former hobbies and coping mechanisms and this is the latest creation I have to show for dedicating time to myself and my thoughts.
When I began this project, it was simply to create something; to stitch again. Now that it is complete, I value that it is of a star. Maybe this is the Universe reassuring me that there is a guiding light through all of the darkness. I can not only hold that light close, but I can also create it.
Maybe that’s overly deep, but there you go. #INFJ
Daily Summary:
Today wasn’t bad. Still a little on the tired side, but health-wise I feel so much better it’s crazy. I got a handful of things done before having to clock in for work. John and I are still figuring out what’s going on with the apartment/house.
So a bit of backstory about that… He and his partner have been looking at buying a house. They’ve been jerked back and forth a bit and so they figured they would wait, then they were looking again, then they were seriously going to wait this time…
Now they have made an offer on a house, it has been accepted, and all everyone is waiting on is for the inspection to take place.
So… John and his partner are looking at having me take over the lease for the house they are currently renting once the lease for my apartment is up. The rental house isn’t in an ideal location, but there are some serious perks to having a house rather than a 3rd-floor apartment. All of this hinges on the inspection going well, so we’ll see. I should know within the next 5 weeks what’s going on in that regard.
That involved a lot of conversations this morning plus a lot of crunching numbers.
There was a mini-meeting at work to go over a few changes which recently rolled out, plus covering some topics for what’s on the horizon. Other than that work was pretty chill. I finished cleaning the kitchen during my lunch break since yesterday sort of ruined the whole “taking care of it tomorrow” thing I had going on Monday.
I’ve finished up my evening email stuff. I’m almost done with writing, which will be the last of the computer bit. Then it’s a shower and most likely sleep for me. I might cross-stitch a little. I’m getting close to the end of the project I’m working on. It’s hard to stop stitching when it’s so close to being finished. >.<
Random Ramblings:
My random ramble, the topic I want to write about and figure out, I can’t. At least it feels like I can’t. I am back in the situation I used to be in with Sir where I have shared this space with people in my actual life and now I feel like I cannot write freely for fear of it being taken out of context.
I fear being confronted with things I am not ready to talk about; that’s why I write about them, to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. I fear their anger. I fear their misunderstanding. It’s exhausting to constantly worry that what I say or do is going to be wrong. What I have already typed is most likely too much.
It sucks. It’s disheartening. It feels like I’ve lost a cherished, sacred space.
I know I will grow past this fear. I know I will figure out this aspect of my life but for right now I am saddened. Since I can’t write what I truly want to write about there doesn’t seem to be much point in writing at all.
Gratitude:
I’m grateful for medication and the advancement of health science which afforded me the ability to get through the worst of my sick feelings yesterday.
#1 Goal:
My goal today will still be to survive. I feel better able to do said survival, but I think giving myself a giant task list or some such wouldn’t be kind to myself.
I have already called the dentist. They wanted to move my appointment to a closer date since my crown came in early. I let them know I have been sick and keeping my appointment at the original date would be in everyone’s best interest.
I have also had several conversations with my brother and Ox in regards to future living arrangements. I have managed my email and am in the process of writing… I have done things already. It wasn’t a lot, but they were important things and I want to call it good for today and so I am.
Maybe…. MAYBE… I’ll shower during my lunch break. No commitment though.
#1 Concern
There was a blow-up in what I will refer to as my Unstable Dynamic. This is the issue taking up most of my emotional energy, which I don’t have much of due to being so sick yesterday and still in the process of recovering today.
#1 Achievement:
I took the time to catch up with my evening post yesterday as well as writing today. One step closer to achieving the habit of writing, even while feeling like death. Woo!
Daily Summary:
Yesterday sucked. I had a sinus headache of doom. From 2pm-4pm I felt like death would feel if death wanted to die. Luckily that turned around. I kicked the thermostat up to 80 in the apartment. I bundled up in my blankets and prayed to the queue gods that I wouldn’t get a phone call. Eventually, I started feeling warm. I started sweating which helped. The nausea I had been fighting against lessened and I was able to drink and eat things. The headache started going away and my sinuses started draining.
I took two Benadryl, NyQuil, melatonin, and Motrin last night. Even with all of that, it wasn’t until I plugged in my heating pad and warmed up my rice bag that the tension in my neck and face relaxed enough for me to be able to sleep.
But holy fuck was sleep amazing. I feel so much better right now than I did yesterday. So yeah… that’s where I was. Sucking it up and getting through life while being sick. Not the best day but god was the sleep worth it.
Random Ramblings:
I had no random ramblings yesterday. My brain was too busy hating me to let me think.
Gratitude:
I am grateful for space heaters that keep my toes warm.
#1 Goal:
Survive. I slept like crap due to post-nasal drip. My throat is sore. I’m freezing… and I have a billion hours of work ahead of me. At least I’m at home. There are a lot of advantages to my situation now than three months ago. I feel incredibly tired, but overall I’m fine. Just have to get through the day so I can go back to sleep.
#1 Concern
I don’t know. A few things I guess. That I have covid is one of them. I don’t feel super awful, but I do feel way more shitty than I did yesterday morning.
The real concern I guess I one of my dynamics. I don’t know if she reads my blog. Well… I know she has read it. I don’t know if she read my last posts and if she did if that is in some way where the emails I received yesterday stemmed from.
I don’t feel well and I don’t have it in me right now. I’m concerned this is going to blow up into a huge issue again and right now I would rather avoid it than struggle.
#1 Achievement:
Getting clocked into work on time. Super proud of myself for not taking eto or vto. Nope. Here I am, getting paid while I feel like shit. I’m even writing. Go me.
Still rocking the whole “new method” thing for posting. Posts in the evening are my quiet reflection time where I can write about the day and any randomness I might have on my mind. Because of that, I can see these being my longer posts. I also intend to end the day with another gratitude section. I think that will help, both starting and ending my day acknowledging something I’m grateful for.
Anywho… on to the good stuff.
Daily Summary:
Today has been nice. The weather was warmer and it was sunny. There wasn’t an awful wind, biting through my skin chilling my bones. I’m still waiting for it to be summer. I’m still waiting to be able to enjoy a summer rather than working constantly or being in nursing school. Maybe this year will be the year.
I got a lot of my meal prep done. Not all of it. Still haven’t swept, mopped, or run the dishwasher. I still have time before going to sleep since I work late shifts now. Maybe I’ll still find the gumption to get all of it completed. Even if not, I’m content with all the things I was able to accomplish in that regard.
Work was nice. I wasn’t as active in the Jabber chat my team has. Instead, I did a lot of computer training things. Each month they send out an email with “recommended” courses to take. A lot of them revolve around personal development. It’s where I got the idea to change the way I post. If it’s in smaller, seemingly more manageable sections, maybe I’ll be better about returning to my habit of writing and reflection.
There’s actually been a lot of things recently that I have been incorporating back into my life. Reading is one of them. Nelnet has its own library on Overdrive. While most of the books available there are professional development and such, there are other books which have actually been very interesting reads. Atomic Habits by James Clear was one of them. Also, The Seven Necessary Sins for Women and Girls by Mona Eltahawy. While Atomic Habits gave me behavioral changes and actions which I can incorporate into my life, The Seven Necessary Sins was extremely thought-provoking. I enjoyed both books.
I’m almost done listening to Radical Candor by Kim Scott. While this is aimed more at managers or people with direct reports, it can be applied to anything in life where there is human interaction. Even in relationships, there is a need for feedback and clear communication. I have about an hour left in the book. I’m hoping to finish listening to it once I am done writing as I cross stitch.
I spent a lot of time on the phone with Warren today. We talked pretty extensively about covid along with borderline personality disorder. He was able to give me some insight on issues I have been struggling with and I in turn was able to listen to some of the stress he has been going through.
It was a connective conversation and I’m glad we were able to talk.
I finally mailed out a birthday card for my nephew. It’s going to be extremely late, but at least I sent one. John signed it as well. We’re both trying to get better about the little things.
I saw Ox today. He came over after work. We had lunch together. With my schedule being opposite of his now, we don’t get much time. His covid test was negative this morning. I guess that’s something I should mention since I write so infrequently now…
Ornery Ox was not feeling well last Friday. His rapid covid test was negative, but Monday the results for his PCR test came back positive. So… we all quarantined for the recommended 5 days, all of which we were asymptomatic. So… Thursday or so when Papa Ox took a rapid test which came back positive quarantine started all over again.
I’m still doing fine. Ox is negative and feeling fine. Mama Ox has been fine. And Papa Ox feels like crap, but is doing better.
And that’s about it for my day. Pretty chill. Got a decent amount of stuff done over the weekend which carried over into today. It’s a slightly frail feeling, but I’m doing better than I was about not being depressed and I’m going to keep trying to foster that in the days to come.
Random Ramblings:
And here is where I’m going to ramble a bit about covid.
I don’t want to get the vaccine. This sort of came to a head the other night in one of my dynamics. Several people have expressed how it would make them feel better if I got it, but the other night was the first night I felt pressured to do so.
I did a search to figure out the difference between “shots” like the flu shot and vaccinations. There isn’t a difference. The flu shot is a type of vaccine. The term shot refers to it being an injection. Vaccine refers to the type of shot; one that facilitates immunization. The length of immunization doesn’t matter. It could provide immunization for a lifetime or be required yearly, as in the case of the flu. Length of immunization does not differentiate if something is a shot or a vaccine.
So there’s that. I’m ok with that information and it helps clarify things inside my head.
Since I had to quarantine, I looked up CDC guidelines for quarantine and isolation. The only reference I had to go by was from 2020 and I wanted to know if anything had changed from then to now.
This is where things get dicey for me.
If you are fully vaccinated, you don’t have to quarantine, even if you test positive for covid.
What the ever-loving fuck?
Hear me out, or don’t, that’s ok. This is where I get to ramble and there’s no obligation for you to read what I write/think, nor to like it.
But seriously? What the fuck? Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you’re not spreading germs. It means the effects of those germs, ideally, do not affect you as severely. You still have active, living, germs in your system and you are spreading them, regardless of vaccination status.
This whole situation is infuriating. The CDC has gone from being a respected source of guidance pre-Trump, to being so severely undermined by the government no one listened to them peri-Trump, to doing damage control and trying to gain back some semblance of respectable standing post-Trump.
With how society lost its collective fucking shit over a 2-week lockdown, it feels like the CDC is trying to appease the masses.
CDC: It’s ok that you have a highly contagious virus all up in your respiratory tract. You got the vaccine so it’s totally ok for you to go out unmasked and breathe all over everything so the virus continues to circulate. Especially as it continues to mutate. We definitely want to get those variants spread around!
Not actually said by CDC
For fucks sake. It’s not vaccinated versus unvaccinated. It’s humanity versus the fucking virus but no one sees it that way. It’s all finger-pointing and who’s fault is it. Anyone with covid on their hands touching things, anyone with covid in their system breathing around other people, that’s what’s causing it to spread. No the unvaccinated endangering the vaccinated because they’re the “filthy spreaders”. That’s not how the chain of infection works.
Infectious shit doesn’t care if you’re vaccinated or not. The only thing the vaccine does is potentially mitigate your symptoms. It doesn’t reduce your level of contagiousness to others.
This is literally the worst fucking group project in my life. >.<;
The people in my life who I have spoken with about this topic over the past few days continue to respect my choice without making me feel bad. They have concern for me, yes. They have also expressed their love and acceptance of me and that while it would hurt for them to lose me, they will not force me to do something I do not wish to do.
Which leaves me… nowhere. I have no answer on how I am supposed to navigate this situation. I feel like getting the vaccine isn’t the core issue within my dynamic. I feel like it’s something deeper than the vaccine and the covid issue is just a surface-level detail that will be replaced/displaced as time goes on. If I become vaccinated then it will shift to how there are breakthrough cases and I still might die. If I have the sniffles or don’t feel well it will be nearing the end of the world. What happens if I have to go to the actual doctor?
On a deeper level, I feel like this concern stems from a fear of my death, but I am mortal and I have a higher chance of dying in a car crash than I do from pretty much anything else. I can’t death proof my life and I would rather live what life I am able to without feeling like I sacrificed my autonomy and personal beliefs for an issue that will never be fixable, avoidable.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to have this conversation. This feeling sucks and I wish there was an easy answer; one where everyone felt ok.
Gratitude:
I’m grateful for my apartment. I’m grateful for the solitude I have had tonight to write and be with myself. I don’t think I’ve really figured anything out in regards to my covid situation, but I do feel better about reflecting on my day and actually writing. We’ll see where all of this goes.
I am going to try something new with my writing. You know… the writing I haven’t been doing… Yeah… that writing.
Instead of feeling paralyzed by the thought because “where do I start?” I’m going to try using a bit of a template and see how I do with that. Here’s my first go at it. Woo.
Morning posts will be more structured with clear sections: Gratitude, goal, concern, and achievement. Evening posts will be more reflective: Daily summary, random ramblings. Hopefully, by breaking things out a bit more and providing a clearer structure I can get back into the habit of having time for myself where I not only hear myself but reflect on what it is I am saying.
Gratitude:
Today I am grateful for my discipline. Mornings have been extremely hard recently. If I’m able to get out of bed, I’m fine. It seems to take a lot of effort and willpower to do that simple action though. I’m grateful I have the discipline to suck it up, do it, and allow that one action to kick start the rest of my day. Even if it sucks, I eventually do it, and because I do it my days start to suck less.
#1 Goal:
My goal for today is to meal prep. That’s not a single task though. There’s a lot that goes into it. I have to analyze and be strategic about what to cook first, when to cook it, cutting up/preparing what is required for that particular meal, packing the food away once it’s done, cleaning up used dishes, cleaning counters. I’ll even though in sweeping/mopping the kitchen into the whole picture of “meal prep”. Heck, let’s go for broke. Loading, running and unloading the dishwasher, too.
I’m not only prepping my food, I’m cleaning up the mess I create and returning my space to a clean organized sense of structure.
I have two more meals to go. I’ve done three already. A lot of what I’m cooking I’m freezing so I can have it throughout the next weeks. I’m almost done with the cooking phase. I’ve been doing dishes as I go. Once I’m done cooking I can clean the counters, finish loading the dishwasher, run it, then sweep/mop.
There’s still a bit to do, but I’ve already done so much. I feel able to finish this goal and I like that feeling. Look at me being a badass and shit.
#1 Concern
Keeping up with email/communication.
There are a handful of people in my life, a handful of dynamics, which are requiring a lot of energy and attention. This isn’t a bad thing. I am very aware of how I tend to leave communication on the back burner. I’m trying not to do that. I’m worried about falling into old behavior patterns.
I am concerned that I will fall short. Out of all the other worries and concerns I have going on, harming my dynamics is at the forefront of my mind right now.
I’m trying to establish and keep safe boundaries around my energy reserves while still ensuring I am present. It’s… hard… a lot of the conversations invoke deep emotions. With reducing my antidepressant dosage, it takes more to work through the emotions that are brought up. It’s been leaving me tired with not much left to give at the end of the calls. It makes me crave solitude and silence so I can allow my internal space to also be quiet.
Maybe if it was only one area it would be easier. But it’s not. It’s typically 2-4 areas; dynamics. It feels like a lot when I’m still trying to also focus on myself. I’ll figure it out as I go. I know I will. That doesn’t mean it’s not a concern weighing on my mind.
#1 Achievement:
I’ve been doing well at work. I’ve been an independent advisor for a couple of weeks now. Maybe three? I don’t remember. I’m doing well though not only in my assigned position but internally, personally. My new job is affording me the time I need to figure myself out and I appreciate that time.
I think surviving training, my step towards independence within the role, and proving to myself that I can, yet again, survive a career change is an achievement and I want to take a moment to allow myself to feel that achievement.
So here I am, feeling achieved and stuff for being an adult and still getting a paycheck.
