Month: February 2022

Evening Reflection 008: Maybe Getting Better!

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Daily Summary: 
I didn’t sleep well last night. Surprise. Surprise. 

I kept getting progressively more congested. It wasn’t until midnight that I was able to take more Mucinex. Once I was able to re-up on meds I made it to sleep. With still being symptomatic I rescheduled my dentist appointment for next Friday. Hopefully, by then I’m over whatever this congestion crud is. 

I have more hopes of getting over it sooner rather than later. After going back to sleep this morning, I woke up feeling better. I wrote for last night, which I skipped out on in the hopes of actually sleeping, which failed… I also wrote for this morning. Ox and I chatted a little, as did John and I. 

I got a text message at 11:40 saying my internet would be down until 2pm. I messaged my supervisor an image of the text. Luckily the internet was restored, at least for my apartment, at 12:30, so I was able to log in for work on time. 

As the day progressed I continued to feel better. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Got to wash my new collapsible containers. I have a bunch of little ones for meal prep. For Christmas, Mama Ox got me bigger ones for storage purposes. Instead of freezing meat in plastic bags, I can use the larger containers. I can also use them for freezing the extras for my larger meals like chili and such. After a few trial runs, I felt like they were safe to get more of. I still have Christmas/Birthday money on my Amazon account. Decided to get more of the containers since I liked them. Since they were delivered to the house I wasn’t able to actually get them until yesterday.

Now I have them at the apartment and I can use them to my heart’s content. Organized dragon is happy. <3

I opened up the windows to air out the apartment of my sickness. Also started washing the bedding so I’ll have nice, fresh sheets to sleep in rather than sick yuck sheets. 

I made a tuna cream cheese spread. It turned out pretty good. I think more of the cajun seasoning would help it out, but overall it’s worth keeping the recipe. Also a huge fan of the keto ziti recipe I found. I’ve missed red pasta foods. 

I’ve been able to stitch a fair amount today. Hoping to complete the project I’m working on by the end of the week. 

Ox went to sleep early today so there’s no evening chat, but I’m ok with that. We said goodnight while I was on my lunch break. I still have one more load of laundry I would like to get done. I’m content with the surprising amount of chores I was able to complete. With how I felt when I first woke up I was resigned for today to be another slack day of sickness fighting. 

Random Ramblings:
Not really a whole lot on my mind to ramble about. With how heavy some of my other writings have been, I’m cool with not trying to figure out life for one night. 

Evening Reflection 007: Food Fairy

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday was nice. I had counseling. She supports my decision. I picked up my meds after. That was $80 I didn’t have to spend. Sort of have to have Synthroid though. Ended up using the credit card for the purchase.

I went to the house and spent some time with the cats. That was super adorable. Dagger’s eyes got sooooo big when he saw me taking off my shoes. He proceed to smother me with cat cuddles. I’ve missed both him and Saber so much. 

Ox originally suggested we go somewhere to celebrate our 4-year anniversary / Valentine’s day. True to our relationship we ended up ordering a pizza instead and hanging out at the house until I had to leave for work. He also was kind enough to snag me a few energy drinks since I didn’t have any at the apartment. Oh! And Mucinex! Oh my god, I got more sinus meds from the house and it was amazing. <3

It was an extremely pleasant way to spend the morning.

Work was decent. I had a coaching session to go over my scorecard for last month. I’m sitting at a 3.14, which is pretty awesome for being my first month out of training. It’s already above average and I’m still in the probationary period. John’s score isn’t as high as mine, so there’s some inner tension there.

My supervisor and I came up with some realistic goals for me to achieve. I’m sitting at a 3.4 for the month of February so far. We’ll see where it ends up by the end of the month. The highest possible is a 5. I want to get to a 4.

After work, I tried going directly to sleep which resulted in hours of sleeplessness. Curse you, Sinuses! Once I finally got to sleep I was fine, just took forever to get there. 

Random Ramblings:
This isn’t so much of a ramble as it is a story I don’t want to be lost. I want to cherish this memory and so it will have a spot here, in the pages of my life.

The other week Ox surprised me with soup for lunch. That alone was a positive experience but more ended up happening. Originally, Saturday I was going to the house. I placed my uneaten food in the freezer Friday night so it wouldn’t go bad over the weekend.

Well, going to the house ended up not happening. Instead, I went back to the apartment and took the food out of the freezer, resigned to my fate that I wouldn’t have anything to eat for a little bit.

On the off chance that the Food Fairy had come to the apartment while I was away, I opened the fridge door. And *poof* seafood soup, ready and waiting to be enjoyed. 

Best. Day. Ever. 

I couldn’t help but giggle that there I was, an adult, thinking about the Food Fairy mom always teased me about and my wish for something to eat came true. 

I shared the story with Ox and he got a chuckle out of it too. 

Evening Reflection 006: 4 Years Later

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Daily Summary:
Another day on the “not so awesome” side of the scale. Not having sinus meds sucks. Nothing is wrong, just stuffy and feeling like crap. Woke up Wrote. Cross-stitched. Went back to sleep. Woke up. Felt like crap. Went back to sleep. Woke up. Felt better. Stayed up for a bit… You get the picture. 

Been watching Centarworld. Not going to lie. It grew on me. Most likely going to finish watching it tonight.

Since I’ve felt crappy most of the day, I haven’t eaten much. An apple, some crackers with cheese… Didn’t put my cross-stitch stuff away. 

Let’s just call today a wash and try again tomorrow.  

Random Ramblings
Tomorrow is 4 years with Ox. It’s crazy to think about what the past 4, or even 5 years have been. 

Mom died. I quit my job as a teacher. I took cna, ekg, and phlebotomy courses. I became a dialysis technician. I began registering for nursing school in Florida. Ox and I met via online gaming. I withdrew from school so I could move instead. Scarlet died. I moved halfway across the country. I started work at a new clinic and began my relationship in earnest with Ox. I got my own apartment. Dagger, Saber, and I found each other. I was told Saber might have feline leukemia. Spent weeks trying to get her to eat and gain weight. Found out she was healthy and I didn’t have to worry. I started nursing school part-time in Nebraska. I was diagnosed with cancer. I withdrew from school after completing my first semester. I had surgery. Covid started. Dagger swallowed a needle and had emergency surgery himself. I helped John move to Nebraska. I moved in with John. I went back to school full time. I became suicidal. I withdrew after completing my second semester. I went back to school part-time during the summer. Work went to hell. I pulled out of school… again. John moved out to live with his partner. I turned in my two-week notice at work. I was convinced to stay. Things started sucking more. I legit gave my notice. I started a new job. I survived training and have been doing well at work. 

None of that is light, airy, easy stuff. 

When I think back about all of the major events… those are all really heavy things. For that to be the past five years of my life… that’s a lot. That’s not including losing patients at work. That’s not emotional/relational drama. There’s also the leadership program I took thought work; the longest and biggest achievement I had obtained since mom’s death. There were the kidney stones, 3 of which were ER visits. Two bouts of bronchitis. With one stone I became borderline septic, resulting in being admitted to the hospital overnight. There’s remodeling the bedroom with Ox…

There are tons of other things I could add to that paragraph, but that paragraph alone makes my heartache. All of those times I gave myself shit for being tired, sad or overwhelmed. 

I’m proud of where I have gotten in relation to where I was in Orlando. 

I’m proud of Ox and I for working through our hard times. And I will always be grateful for his love and support through all of the shit that has been the past four years of my life. 

Morning Musing 006: Sunday 02.13.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for the people in my life who help me find clear perspective.

#1 Goal:
I don’t know… shower? Maybe putting my not-needed cross-stitch stuff up…

#1 Concern
It never being summer again because summer was a hallucination I created in my head as a way to cope with never ending winter.

#1 Achievement:
Writing consistently for over a week. /flex

Dragon’s Horde 063: Treasure Them… Or Eat Them?

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One of my friends had twins a while back. That alone is a feat. Let’s throw into the picture she already had 3 older kids. Her new joke was how she has 27 kids, which I can’t blame her. I have a hard enough time with two cats. I can’t imagine 5 kids, two of which are newborns.

I haven’t been able to see her recently, but this is the Christmas present I made for her…. which got finished the other day… so it’s a good thing we haven’t hung out in a while.

I think it will make her smile.

It reminds me of how mom used to joke about understanding why “some animals eat their young”.

So to all the parents out there… Thanks for not eating us. Sincerely ~ Your Kid(s)

Evening Reflection 005: Goodbye Reply

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Daily Summary:
Today has been a day. I woke up early, and by early I mean 6 AM. Since I haven’t been sleeping well it was nice to finally have a full night of sleep. Writing helped settle my thoughts. I puttered around for a little bit before showering and going to H&R Block to file my taxes. While I was getting ready John called and he and I talked for a bit. 

After filing taxes I called Ox. We had already had a small morning chat. He wanted to make sure I was awake and to see how I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling the best. A bit more congested this morning than I had been the previous morning. I no longer had Mucinex and with only $40 in my bank account until Friday, I didn’t want to buy more meds so I resigned my day to be on the more “suffer” side of the spectrum. 

During our second conversation, we decided it would be better for me to stay at the apartment. I miss the cats. I want to cuddle with them. I also don’t want to be around a lot of people right now and that wouldn’t be the situation at the house. So apartment it was. 

I went back to sleep once I got there. I slept until roughly 2 PM. I felt better when I woke up. Not tons better, but less congested.

I wrote my “morning” post. I haven’t been writing them as early as I would like, but better to write late than not at all. At least I’m haphazardly returning to my habit and I wanted to keep that going so I did. 

I’ve spent most of my awake time resting or cross-stitching. 

I did receive a reply to my Goodbye email. That I’ll save for the ramble section. John and Ox both have talked to me about it. They are supportive of me and reassured me I am still loved. After reading the email twice I have moved it into that person’s folder in my inbox. I won’t be replying to it. I am content to let things end as they are. 

That’s been my day. The cold sore that I broke out with is healing which is nice. It’s another indicator of how not ok the relationship was making me feel. It takes a lot of stress for me to break out like I did. This is the second time I’ve broken out since starting this friendship. Hopefully, with leaving the discord my body can stop having stress responses and I can continue finding my way back to myself. 

. 

Random Ramblings:
One of the scary things about being open with people and sharing past hurts with them is they know your insecurities. They know your wounds and how deeply they hurt you. 

Nearly every wound I shared with this person was brought up in the email. She mentioned how my mom would have been proud of me being this person’s care partner; implying she is disappointed in me walking away from the dynamic. She said I use my mom’s death as a crutch to get my way because it’s easier to do that than to move past the unhealthy connection I have with her death. I was told I never considered the other person’s feelings and how that should have been a red flag to her; an indicator that I didn’t care. She said we only ever did the things I wanted to do and how I “talked a good talk” but never followed through with my actions. 

Just… all of these things. And in the back of my head, I can hear my weak and injured self asking, “What if she’s right?”

I am reminded of when Warren #2 and Zane would talk me out of breaking up with them. They would tell me the issues we were having were my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was told if I were an adult I would stay because adults don’t run away from their problems. 

There were so many twisted words in the email I received and all I could think when reading it was how none of those statements were the truth. None of what was written was an accurate representation of what the past three months have been like.

Were I still the insecure 20-something-year-old I had been during those previous relationships, I might have stayed. I might have written back with tears in my eyes apologizing even if I didn’t feel I was wrong. I would have needed the validation of someone else to feel some sort of worth. 

A small part of me cares that this person wants to think that I am a liar and that they are weaving an inaccurate story to their family and friends. But the larger part of myself, the warrior who has fought her way out of previous manipulative relationships is glad that I ended the friendship after three months rather than three years. 

I have lived 33 years without this person in my life. Instead of worrying, I’m going to let it go. Ox was kind enough to let me read the email to him and for me to voice my worries and fears. He was his INTJ/P self and helped me remember the logical, rational events rather than letting me stay lost in the emotions. Even though he couldn’t hold me or pet my hair, he held me with his words and settled me onto solid ground again. 

This person wished me lots of luck with Ox because I “would need it to have a healthy relationship with him”. I’m choosing not to take that luck because I don’t need luck with Ox. The “big words I use to describe normal everyday situations which no one understands”…. Ox understands them. He understands me. He loves me and he’s supportive of me. John understands me and is supportive of me. 

I don’t need luck to have healthy relationships because the ones I have are already healthy. 

Evening Reflection 004: Good vs Bad

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Daily Summary:
Last night was another sleepless night. That made this morning pretty non-existent. I did finally manage to get up. Didn’t do a whole lot before work. Ox came over once his day was done. He hung around for a little bit then left. 

Work was a quiet day. Nothing to report there. 

Really, other than today being super windy I don’t have a lot to type about. Made some more progress on the cross-stitch I have going. I have one active project now instead of three. I like that. Finally finishing things instead of having lots of stuff left incomplete. 

Haven’t made my soup yet. I was waiting until work was done to take care of that, so while my “goal” for today isn’t complete, the day isn’t over so I’m ok with that. 

John suggested I watch Centarworld on Netflix. It’s… interesting. Definitely has its moments. I’m only on episode 3. Hoping as I keep watching it I get more into it. 

I file taxes tomorrow. I’m hoping that helps out financially in the near future. 

I did shower today. With my morning being screwed by trying to get sleep, I waited until my lunch break to get that accomplished. Was totally an adult and did it though. 

With all of the emotional discord that has been going on in my life, I’m ok with today being a quiet, boring day. 

Random Ramblings:
At what point in life do you know if you are a bad person or a good person? 

After several days of not “rambling” let us wrestle with this super heavy topic. 

That’s what kept me up last night. I know I have hurt someone deeply. Someone I do care about. Do they see it that way? Do they think I’m a selfish bitch? Do they hate me? Is this event the defining moment in my life that tips the scales from one side to the other?

Was I a bad person when Warren and I broke up? I know he harbored feelings over it for a really long time. And yet, here he and I stand, still some of the closest friends either of us has in our lives. 

Was it because the hurt we caused each other was when we were “young and stupid”? Does age factor into how good or bad you are overall? Was it because enough time passed between then and now that the “badness” faded, diluted by the steps we took to become better people? 

Is good or bad purely an outside perspective? A label placed upon us? Or is it defined by our own perspective of ourselves? 

I’m reminded of the question, “When a villain looks in the mirror do they see a good guy or a bad guy?”

Surely our own perspective cannot be the only one that matters since our own perspective may not always be clear or unbiased. 

So what then? Where does that leave me? Am I a horrible person? An ok person? A decent person? A good person? 

Am I worthy of a title that implies amnesty from the harm I have caused others throughout my life? I did these things. I caused this hurt. But it’s ok. I’m still a “good” person…

No. No, I’m not. I’m human. I fuck up. I also struggle with and through my own internal battles; battles that I barely seem to win most of the time. I count my days as successful when I shower. When I take my meds. When I am able to not cry. I am so injured, still, from what my life feels like it has been. One life crisis after another after another. Never time to fully process the magnitude before something else needs contending with. Until I couldn’t anymore. 

It’s the main factor for me quitting my previous job. Because I asked for the time to take care of my own emotional and mental health and was told to increase my antidepressant. Told to “fake it until you make it”. 

No. That’s not how I want to live life and so I chose to leave and try to find something supportive instead. 

And I did. Somehow the universe gave me a job where I could start to focus on healing and finding myself again. 

And here is where I fear to type. Because my perspective of the dynamic I ended… What if my perspective is wrong? What if, what if, what if? 

I don’t know. I know I don’t deserve to be yelled at, even if it’s in an email. I know I don’t deserve to have someone curse at me when I have never cursed at that person. I don’t deserve to be held accountable for “vague answers” when after asking multiple times what it is I need to clarify I get “I don’t want to write about it.”

I can’t heal when it feels like no matter what I try to do I fail. I hurt the person if I try to figure out what works. I hurt myself by staying in a dynamic that’s unhealthy. And yet I hurt us both by leaving as well. It sucks. And I’m left wondering how it all fits into the tapestry of the universe. Where is it on the spectrum of good vs bad?

What do my actions say about me? What do our interactions say about them?

And the end of all of the thinking, “I’m human,” was the only thing that seemed to fit. It didn’t hurt like “bad” and it didn’t feel wrong like “good”. 

Much in the way that I don’t think of myself as beautiful. Beautiful is a perspective as is ugly. I exist and how people choose to define the visual representation of that existence is their choice. 

I guess good and bad fall into the same space in my head now. I exist and I have a history, not all of it things I am proud of. Everyone will have an opinion. For most, it won’t matter what the details are. What my side is. What their side is. People will form perspectives and once they are formed there is very little that even truth can do to change it. 

I am human. I exist. Existence is neither good nor bad. It simply is. I think ultimately, trying to fit all of one’s existence into a single box label “good” or “bad” is an injustice to all of the complexity that existence truly is. 

I guess I’m ok with that. I am reminded of the “about me” section I have on a different platform. It warms my heart that through all of the years, this mentality holds true. Even through all of the discord, I am still able to find my way back to my truths. 

“I’ll end with saying that I am myself
and that for an INFJ the
easiest way to sum everything up
is to say, ‘I’m complex `”. 

Past Me Regarding My Life