Daily Summary:
Today has been a day. I woke up early, and by early I mean 6 AM. Since I haven’t been sleeping well it was nice to finally have a full night of sleep. Writing helped settle my thoughts. I puttered around for a little bit before showering and going to H&R Block to file my taxes. While I was getting ready John called and he and I talked for a bit. 

After filing taxes I called Ox. We had already had a small morning chat. He wanted to make sure I was awake and to see how I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling the best. A bit more congested this morning than I had been the previous morning. I no longer had Mucinex and with only $40 in my bank account until Friday, I didn’t want to buy more meds so I resigned my day to be on the more “suffer” side of the spectrum. 

During our second conversation, we decided it would be better for me to stay at the apartment. I miss the cats. I want to cuddle with them. I also don’t want to be around a lot of people right now and that wouldn’t be the situation at the house. So apartment it was. 

I went back to sleep once I got there. I slept until roughly 2 PM. I felt better when I woke up. Not tons better, but less congested.

I wrote my “morning” post. I haven’t been writing them as early as I would like, but better to write late than not at all. At least I’m haphazardly returning to my habit and I wanted to keep that going so I did. 

I’ve spent most of my awake time resting or cross-stitching. 

I did receive a reply to my Goodbye email. That I’ll save for the ramble section. John and Ox both have talked to me about it. They are supportive of me and reassured me I am still loved. After reading the email twice I have moved it into that person’s folder in my inbox. I won’t be replying to it. I am content to let things end as they are. 

That’s been my day. The cold sore that I broke out with is healing which is nice. It’s another indicator of how not ok the relationship was making me feel. It takes a lot of stress for me to break out like I did. This is the second time I’ve broken out since starting this friendship. Hopefully, with leaving the discord my body can stop having stress responses and I can continue finding my way back to myself. 

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Random Ramblings:
One of the scary things about being open with people and sharing past hurts with them is they know your insecurities. They know your wounds and how deeply they hurt you. 

Nearly every wound I shared with this person was brought up in the email. She mentioned how my mom would have been proud of me being this person’s care partner; implying she is disappointed in me walking away from the dynamic. She said I use my mom’s death as a crutch to get my way because it’s easier to do that than to move past the unhealthy connection I have with her death. I was told I never considered the other person’s feelings and how that should have been a red flag to her; an indicator that I didn’t care. She said we only ever did the things I wanted to do and how I “talked a good talk” but never followed through with my actions. 

Just… all of these things. And in the back of my head, I can hear my weak and injured self asking, “What if she’s right?”

I am reminded of when Warren #2 and Zane would talk me out of breaking up with them. They would tell me the issues we were having were my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was told if I were an adult I would stay because adults don’t run away from their problems. 

There were so many twisted words in the email I received and all I could think when reading it was how none of those statements were the truth. None of what was written was an accurate representation of what the past three months have been like.

Were I still the insecure 20-something-year-old I had been during those previous relationships, I might have stayed. I might have written back with tears in my eyes apologizing even if I didn’t feel I was wrong. I would have needed the validation of someone else to feel some sort of worth. 

A small part of me cares that this person wants to think that I am a liar and that they are weaving an inaccurate story to their family and friends. But the larger part of myself, the warrior who has fought her way out of previous manipulative relationships is glad that I ended the friendship after three months rather than three years. 

I have lived 33 years without this person in my life. Instead of worrying, I’m going to let it go. Ox was kind enough to let me read the email to him and for me to voice my worries and fears. He was his INTJ/P self and helped me remember the logical, rational events rather than letting me stay lost in the emotions. Even though he couldn’t hold me or pet my hair, he held me with his words and settled me onto solid ground again. 

This person wished me lots of luck with Ox because I “would need it to have a healthy relationship with him”. I’m choosing not to take that luck because I don’t need luck with Ox. The “big words I use to describe normal everyday situations which no one understands”…. Ox understands them. He understands me. He loves me and he’s supportive of me. John understands me and is supportive of me. 

I don’t need luck to have healthy relationships because the ones I have are already healthy.