Daily Summary:
Last night was another sleepless night. That made this morning pretty non-existent. I did finally manage to get up. Didn’t do a whole lot before work. Ox came over once his day was done. He hung around for a little bit then left.
Work was a quiet day. Nothing to report there.
Really, other than today being super windy I don’t have a lot to type about. Made some more progress on the cross-stitch I have going. I have one active project now instead of three. I like that. Finally finishing things instead of having lots of stuff left incomplete.
Haven’t made my soup yet. I was waiting until work was done to take care of that, so while my “goal” for today isn’t complete, the day isn’t over so I’m ok with that.
John suggested I watch Centarworld on Netflix. It’s… interesting. Definitely has its moments. I’m only on episode 3. Hoping as I keep watching it I get more into it.
I file taxes tomorrow. I’m hoping that helps out financially in the near future.
I did shower today. With my morning being screwed by trying to get sleep, I waited until my lunch break to get that accomplished. Was totally an adult and did it though.
With all of the emotional discord that has been going on in my life, I’m ok with today being a quiet, boring day.
Random Ramblings:
At what point in life do you know if you are a bad person or a good person?
After several days of not “rambling” let us wrestle with this super heavy topic.
That’s what kept me up last night. I know I have hurt someone deeply. Someone I do care about. Do they see it that way? Do they think I’m a selfish bitch? Do they hate me? Is this event the defining moment in my life that tips the scales from one side to the other?
Was I a bad person when Warren and I broke up? I know he harbored feelings over it for a really long time. And yet, here he and I stand, still some of the closest friends either of us has in our lives.
Was it because the hurt we caused each other was when we were “young and stupid”? Does age factor into how good or bad you are overall? Was it because enough time passed between then and now that the “badness” faded, diluted by the steps we took to become better people?
Is good or bad purely an outside perspective? A label placed upon us? Or is it defined by our own perspective of ourselves?
I’m reminded of the question, “When a villain looks in the mirror do they see a good guy or a bad guy?”
Surely our own perspective cannot be the only one that matters since our own perspective may not always be clear or unbiased.
So what then? Where does that leave me? Am I a horrible person? An ok person? A decent person? A good person?
Am I worthy of a title that implies amnesty from the harm I have caused others throughout my life? I did these things. I caused this hurt. But it’s ok. I’m still a “good” person…
No. No, I’m not. I’m human. I fuck up. I also struggle with and through my own internal battles; battles that I barely seem to win most of the time. I count my days as successful when I shower. When I take my meds. When I am able to not cry. I am so injured, still, from what my life feels like it has been. One life crisis after another after another. Never time to fully process the magnitude before something else needs contending with. Until I couldn’t anymore.
It’s the main factor for me quitting my previous job. Because I asked for the time to take care of my own emotional and mental health and was told to increase my antidepressant. Told to “fake it until you make it”.
No. That’s not how I want to live life and so I chose to leave and try to find something supportive instead.
And I did. Somehow the universe gave me a job where I could start to focus on healing and finding myself again.
And here is where I fear to type. Because my perspective of the dynamic I ended… What if my perspective is wrong? What if, what if, what if?
I don’t know. I know I don’t deserve to be yelled at, even if it’s in an email. I know I don’t deserve to have someone curse at me when I have never cursed at that person. I don’t deserve to be held accountable for “vague answers” when after asking multiple times what it is I need to clarify I get “I don’t want to write about it.”
I can’t heal when it feels like no matter what I try to do I fail. I hurt the person if I try to figure out what works. I hurt myself by staying in a dynamic that’s unhealthy. And yet I hurt us both by leaving as well. It sucks. And I’m left wondering how it all fits into the tapestry of the universe. Where is it on the spectrum of good vs bad?
What do my actions say about me? What do our interactions say about them?
And the end of all of the thinking, “I’m human,” was the only thing that seemed to fit. It didn’t hurt like “bad” and it didn’t feel wrong like “good”.
Much in the way that I don’t think of myself as beautiful. Beautiful is a perspective as is ugly. I exist and how people choose to define the visual representation of that existence is their choice.
I guess good and bad fall into the same space in my head now. I exist and I have a history, not all of it things I am proud of. Everyone will have an opinion. For most, it won’t matter what the details are. What my side is. What their side is. People will form perspectives and once they are formed there is very little that even truth can do to change it.
I am human. I exist. Existence is neither good nor bad. It simply is. I think ultimately, trying to fit all of one’s existence into a single box label “good” or “bad” is an injustice to all of the complexity that existence truly is.
I guess I’m ok with that. I am reminded of the “about me” section I have on a different platform. It warms my heart that through all of the years, this mentality holds true. Even through all of the discord, I am still able to find my way back to my truths.
“I’ll end with saying that I am myself
Past Me Regarding My Life
and that for an INFJ the
easiest way to sum everything up
is to say, ‘I’m complex `”.