Month: February 2020

Daily Post 191: Pre-D&D

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Not 100% proof read. My bad.
Didn’t want to be late for D&D <3

The past few days have been eventful and productive.

Monday went well. Work was decent. Nothing overly exciting happened. I used timers on my phone to work in time to color instead of taking as many smoke breaks. It seemed to work well and something I will continue trying to do.

Monday night went well. I wrote and posted. I did dishes. Ox came over once he was at a stopping point with WoW. I cooked us dinner before we started plucking away at our D&D characters. Dinner wasn’t anything fancy. Just some burger patties. I added mushrooms and onions with pepper jack cheese to mine. Tasty and filling.

This is the first foray into character creation that Ox and I have done by ourselves. When I’ve made characters before I’ve always had someone more experienced guiding me through the process. From a psychological aspect, I can make a fairly solid personality and backstory for a character, but figuring out stats and proficiencies, and traits, and spells or abilities and items, and alignment, and, and, and, and…

It can get daunting pretty fast when you look at the entire task rather than breaking it down into smaller, manageable pieces. It didn’t help that with the D&D Beyond website, my class isn’t listed because it’s not a “standard” class. Of course, cat people wouldn’t be standard… bastards…

Around 10 pm I was tired enough to call it quits. Ox stayed up significantly later, until close to 1 am, working on both our characters. Not only did he figure his out, he also went into the “homebrew” section and created a race specifically for my character that we could use with the D&D Beyond system.

That’s what I woke up to Tuesday morning. I sat down at my laptop to begin typing up my notes for my sociology class and got distracted by investigating the D&D pages left open on my browser. I can’t put into words how touched I was. He took the time to create something specifically for me. It was something I didn’t have to worry about figuring out anymore. It was already done. At least for the most part. All of the information was in there. I dinked around with it for a bit and was able to fine-tune things so modifiers showed up in the right spots and such. But a majority of the leg work had already been done and that was an amazing gift.

I spend about 30 minutes absorbed in D&D stuff. Eventually, I began working on my notes. I showered and got ready for class. I packed up my things then headed into town. I stopped at Walgreens for a refill of my Zoloft. There wasn’t a copay this time, so that was another nice surprise.

I went to school. I got there early so I kept typing up my notes. The class wasn’t all that awesome. We mostly talked about how to properly cite sources in APA format. We talked about “success in college”. That was mildly interesting since we delved into studies and statistics and research. It wasn’t just “take my word for it” BS, but rather scientifically verified things.

Interestingly enough, standardized testing isn’t a very good indicator of success in college. I liked seeing that, actually. For a while, I’ve felt that tests aren’t a true measure of a person’s ability. They’re only one aspect of a much more complex situation.

Towards the end, we starting talking about critical thinking skills, which again, was interesting, but overall I felt like I didn’t gain a lot of information or insight from this particular class session.

After class, I went to Hi-Way Diner. I finished up with most of my notes; formatting the text and such. That helped fill the time while I waited for Ox to get there from work. We ate. I looked at my finances. I’m pretty tight on money right now but I think we’ll be ok.

We went to Costco for water since I’ve been going through it like crazy. I’ve been running warm recently. I’ve been leaving the heat off and opening the window in the bedroom at night so it feels cool enough to let me sleep. I haven’t had a fever, so I have that going in my favor.

I didn’t have a lot of energy for most of Tuesday. Staying up late was the main reason I think. Eating lunch didn’t help give me energy, so once we were done with Costco I was pretty much done with everything. All I wanted was to go home and take a nap.

Ox stopped at the gas station near home and got me a small carton of heavy cream since I needed that for one of my meals. He carried the water into the apartment for me, too, because he’s awesome like that. Once he left I crawled under my weighted blanket and slept for roughly three hours. I woke up feeling better and able to continue plucking away at the to-do I had created in the morning.

I cooked both my meals. I tried making the creamy chicken pasta again. Instead of zoodles, I used cauliflower rice. It’s good, but still a little on the bland side. I’m not sure what would help spice it up. Maybe a tablespoon of Italian seasoning or something along those lines. The recipe has a very soft, subtle flavor and I like my food to be bolder.

I went over to the house around 5:30. Ox and I kept working on our D&D characters. We had dinner with his parents. Steaks with side-salad. No complaints.

I think it was around 9:30 or 10 that we wrapped things up with the characters. I emailed our sheets to the DM so he could have them for Wednesday evening. Ox and I trekked back to the apartment and went to bed together.

He woke up this morning for work. I stayed in bed, once again foregoing the 5:30 am class I had thought I was interested in.

I started my day around 7:30. I had breakfast then went to sit down at my laptop only to realize I had left my backpack at the house. That had me trudging out into the snow that wasn’t supposed to have been falling, to the car, driving to the house, picking up my backpack as Papa Ox snickered at me, driving back to the apartment, to finally begin the day as I had intended. Sans breakfast though since I had foolishly heated up a container of chicken then left it unattended with the kittens… Yeah… totally didn’t get to eat half of my breakfast because of that.

I went through my “in” pile since that’s been building up. I paid all of the medical bills I’ve received so far using my HSA account. That thing has been a life saver. I don’t know what I would be doing without it since I’ve paid almost 1k in medical expenses so far.

I put the laundry away since I had washed and dried it last night while I was at the house. I cleaned the litter box. I washed dishes. I typed up the last bit of my notes, so I’m caught up in that regard. I printed out the D&D sheets for Ox and I to use tonight. That had me fighting with the printer for a while and I still didn’t get it 100% right. I really do dislike this printer. >.<; It should not have taken half the effort it did to print those sheets.

I eventually showered and got dressed. I packed for the gym so I could bike after I was done at school. I drove into town. The roads weren’t bad, but they weren’t perfect either. The snow was starting to stick and certain spots were slick. There was an accident right where I needed to turn to get into the college. That had me running a little late, but at least it looked like a fender bender rather than anything super bad.

Counseling went well. We talked pretty extensively about my past week and my feelings regarding it. I talked about how I’ve been productive and writing more, using my to-do lists as a way to keep myself on track and to remember everything I was able to get accomplished.

We talked about how I felt like at least part of it was coming from the medications. Part of the productivity might be the Synthroid. Having energy after work is unheard of for me, not that I’m necessarily complaining. Just noting that it’s not “normal” for me. The energy hasn’t been interfering with my sleep. I’m able to go to bed at decent times and sleep deeply enough to feel resting, so there’s that. More energy, but not so much more that it’s fucking with my life.

I mentioned how I think sleeping well is factoring into my new found “ok” feeling. I get restorative deep sleep and I think the weighted blanket has something to do with that. I also think having slower, less crazy days factors into that. Taking time for self-care is also affecting things I believe.

The Zoloft may be keeping my depression in check, which I said was a bit disheartening, however, knowing how hard last winter was for me, I’m not ready to try discontinuing it. Maybe it’s the crutch I need while I rebuild all of the habits that help me be ok on my own.

I mentioned how I was going to wait until the weather started warming up and the days were sunnier; most likely towards the end of March. Spring-ish. That’s when I want to see about backing off of the Zoloft. Right now I would rather keep doing well and feeling well about my days than going back to feeling sad and tired all the time.

We talked about my Wellness Assessment at the gym and my workout on Sunday. We talked about my feelings regarding my new baseline and my plans in regards to the gym. I mentioned how at first I had put on my schedule to go to classes early in the morning, but at the moment that wasn’t working for me. I enjoy my mornings at the apartment too much to want to give them up. I like being about to have a slow start to the morning, enjoying my breakfast, doing chores, making my to-do list, actually sleeping until I’m ready to wake up…

I don’t want to give that up just to take a class at 5:30 in the morning that I’m physically not able to complete. I know I can’t do an hour’s worth of cardio yet. I’m not recovered enough for that. It seems to be working better to go to the gym on my own and to do what I want for as long as I want and to be happy and content with that.

We also talked about the upcoming D&D meet this evening, how Ox and facilitated a lot of it, and how in general, he and I are doing really well. We’ve been doing more things together. Intentionally interacting rather than mutually ignoring each other while we’re in the room together. Not that I mind moments like that. I enjoy cross-stitching next to him on the bed while he plays WoW. Honestly, I do. But if that’s the only interaction we have, it can lead to feeling disconnected.

By doing more things together, I can enjoy the times we’re together in solitude and I can enjoy my actual alone time because I have these other moments of connectedness. It’s all about balance and I think we’re finding a better one for us now that things are settling down.

So yeah. Counseling was a good session. We’re going to continue to monitor how the coming week goes and check back in, a bit more indepth, about my feelings regarding the medication issues.

After counseling, Ox sent me a picture of my car, showing that he was in the school parking lot. I went out and had a cigarette with him. I still had to figure out my references for the report assignment in my class, so I didn’t want to leave campus yet. I did want to take advantage of his surprise visit though and see him for a few minutes while I could.

It was a nice transition from counseling to school tasks. I got a hug which almost always makes things better.

He drove me back up to the front of the school so I didn’t have to track back through the snow to get there. I set up camp in one of the booths across from the cafeteria and plucked away at finding decent sources for my paper. I found 7 that I’m thinking about using. I only have to turn in four for the assignment tomorrow. Every extra source I use is extra points. I would rather have too many sources and not use all of them then realize I don’t have enough information to answer all of the questions in the paper.

So yeah, that took about two hours to shift through. I filled out the sheet with all of my reference information that’s’ due for class tomorrow. I’m content with the progress I made in the realm of school for today, so I’m done with that area of my life for the moment.

I went to the gym again. I biked for 30 minutes this time. Got to 5.64 miles and made it to gear six, which is one higher than Sunday. I started to feel my incision, which is where I decided to back off, do a bit of a cool down, then call it quits for today.

I did better than last time, so it was a good workout in my book. I actually worked up a sweat this time. It felt good. I’m happy with my effort.

And now I’m back at the apartment, writing, before taking another shower and heading out to D&D like the nerd I am. I’m looking forward to it. I think we’re all going to be chipping in for pizza. I hope it’s a good night. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. : 3

Daily Post 190: That Old Feeling

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So I’m almost caught up on writing, and this is where I’m going to be able to write much more in-depth about what has been doing on during my weeks. Why? Because I have pages in my notebook covered in green highlighter marks from all of the stuff I’ve been able to accomplish. Go me. : D

I left off with having a good day at work last Monday and hoping that’s how my days would continue to go as my incision healed more.

Tuesday was a school day. Before I made it to school I did a bunch of chores around the apartment. I went to Walmart to buy a handheld vacuum because sweeping up cat litter on hardwood floors sucks. I went and got gas for the car. I stopped at Starbucks for a breakfast sandwich since I had time to do that. I still made it to school early enough to cross-stitch a bit.

That’s something I’ve been doing recently. I’ve been carrying my projects with me so I have something to do in the odd bits of time that I find myself waiting around. Coloring mandalas is another thing I’ve been doing. I keep my book, color pencils, and sharpener in the same bag as my cross-stitch project and I tote it around with me like a slightly crazy lady. I’m ok with it.

School was good. I got to talk to my instructor about what happened the previous Thursday. That whole being told class was canceled only to be marked absent because class was, in fact, not canceled…

Before class had a chance to start, the woman who had told me to go home came in and explained she had gotten the room wrong. I got her contact information and gave it to my instructor. I was given credit for the day I missed along with all of the handouts I missed from the library. Overall I didn’t miss much. Just the tour. No real class content to worry about. I didn’t withdraw from the class. My instructor was super understanding and laughed with me when I said I had figured the start of the semester would be rough due to the surgery. I hadn’t expected it to be THIS rough. XD

So everything is as it should be in the realm of school.

I made an appointment to get my taxes done. That was scheduled for Wednesday evening.

I called Jon about halfway through the day almost in tears. I told him that nothing was wrong. Honestly. Everything was going well and that’s what bothered me. I hadn’t felt this ok, this productive, this able to do things, in so long that I didn’t know how to feel about feeling the way I felt.

It felt like how I used to be pre-mom-death. Where I could think about going out and running errands and actually do those things and feel good about it and not be exhausted from it. We talked about my wariness over this new “old” feeling.

That evening, Ox and I met a couple at the Hi-Way Diner. The wife had posted about wanting to start a D&D group. Ox replied and chatted with her a bit and so there we were Tuesday evening, meeting to see what could work and if we all even got along well enough to want to play a campaign together.

It was a really nice evening and I’m glad we met with them. The game plan is to start playing next Wednesday afternoon. I’m looking forward to it. Ox and I still need to make our characters but that’s one of the things on tonight’s to-do list. :3

Eventually, the day came to a close. By the end of it I had a page full of completed tasks with a page already made for the next day.

Wednesday morning started on the low side emotionally speaking, but after I got up and started moving around things turned around. I completed my meal prep. I packed clothes for the gym since I had a Wellness Assessment schedule at the YMCA after my counseling session. After some more chores, I headed into town.

We talked pretty extensively about my feelings regarding my new productivity during counseling. We also talked about Mama Ox and my relationship with her for a while. Though I care about Mama Ox deeply, I know I keep her at arm’s length emotionally. I don’t want to be super close to her. I don’t want her to be my confidant. I don’t want her to replace mom and there are certain “mom things” that I’m not ok with her doing or being for me. My counselor thinks it’s good that I have that level of awareness about myself and my emotions.

After counseling, I went to the gym. I most likely pushed way too hard. I did step-ups for three minutes. By the end of the first minute, I was winded. By the end of the second minute, my chest was getting tight around my incision. By the end of three minutes, I realized that intense cardio was most likely a bad idea and that I should have stopped sooner.

I did 25 pushups. Again, most likely not my smartest idea of the day. The last 10 weren’t pretty. And when I mean they weren’t pretty, I mean they were probably the saddest pushups you’ve ever seen ever.

The crunches didn’t bother me as much. Maybe there were endorphins involved at that point. Who knows?

The trainer’s advice was to basically take things slow and low. If I lift weights don’t do anything heavy. If I do cardio, don’t push too much. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but we talked about some things that I could do and how I could slowly eek the intensity up as I felt comfortable with it. The assessment gave me a baseline for my numbers. It also let me know where I was endurance wise which is sad. My endurance is Level: Sad at the moment.

I ended up mailing the cross-stitch I made for Allison’s daughter to her. I donated stuff to Goodwill. I stopped at Walmart again. This time for windshield washer fluid. I made it to my tax appointment. Ox drove us since I don’t like getting into the parking lot. I’m getting close to 2k back this year. That sounds like a lot until you take away the $700 I owe Allison for covering my surgery deposit. I also have to use $250 to renew my CCHT license for work. That will be reimbursed but I still have to pay for it upfront. I also wanted to get the car looked at and tuned up while I have the finances to do it.

So yeah… A lot of my money is already spoken for. That’s Life I guess. I should have known better than to think I could actually pay my car off with my tax return. : /

Thursday. Another school day. The morning started with my morning routine. Breakfast. Meds. Coffee. Random chores. School prep. I stopped at Walmart for conditioner… I’m starting to see a trend in my writing…

School went well. I went to GNC and Office Max after school to kill some time before meeting Ox for lunch. We’ve been going to the Hi-Way Diner a lot. I’m enjoying the food. There’s just something about their Steak Philly omelet that warms a part of my soul.

We ended up going home after after eating. More chores. Cross-stitching, then sleep for work the next day.

Friday. A workday. The morning started off well. I paid bills when I went on my morning break. I worked with my FA that day so it was a pretty smooth day. I completed all of my assigned computer training. That was the big “work” accomplishment for the day.

After work I went to Walmart…. again… but this time it was for my rent check and that was it. I couldn’t get that until I got paid so yeah… that’s my defense and I’m sticking to it. I don’t need Walmart intervention. YOU need Walmart intervention. >.>

After making sure I could pay rent and not get evicted, I came back to the apartment. Ox had the kids but he came over for a little bit. He helped me clip Saber’s nails and replaced one of the light bulbs in the kitchen for me. Yay for having life hostages who do things for you.

I read the second chapter for my Sociology class. I finished coloring a mandala page I had started a few days back. It was fun. I enjoyed spending the time working on it and I like how it came out for the most part. I would do things a little differently if I could, but since I can’t, I’m ok with it. I’ll make better choices on the ones I do in the future.

It was weird having energy after working all day. I got a lot done after work, including going out into public and interacting with people. That was pretty unheard of pre-surgery.

Saturday was another good day. Work went well. I got to cannulate a new fistula and it was perfect. So good. And yes I know that sounds weird, but when you’re in the dialysis field or any sort of profession where you have to put a needle in someone’s vein you can’t help but swoon a little when you get an amazing stick. It totally made my day to have such a clean and perfect stick on a new fistula that is maturing exactly as it should be. Sooooo good.

After work, I came home and did more chores. I took my chapter 2 test and got a 100 on it. I figured out what classes at the gym I could make before school and counseling. I meal planned for the coming week and made a grocery list. I replied to messages. I cross-stitched. All sorts of stuff got done with the knowledge that Sunday was a day off. Not only a day off but also forecast to be 60 degrees and sunny.

Sunday. Omg. All of the green marks on my page. Morning routine. Check. Breakfast at the house with the family. Check. Run errands. Check. Write and post. Check. Work on school stuff. Cross-stitch. Meal prep. Finish coloring a section on my new mandala. Call in a refill for my Zoloft. Go to the gym and workout. Color a little with Lil’ Ox. Have dinner with the family.

All checks.

I even tried a new recipe from the cookbook my older brother and sister-in-law got me for Christmas. Keto Ninja Foodi Cookbook. It has a lot of interesting ideas. I made a creamy chicken pasta with it. I think it turned out well even though I didn’t have enough heavy cream for it and used too much chicken broth. I’m going to try making it again, correctly this time, and see if it turns out even better.

So yeah… Sunday was pretty amazing. I got so much done. I enjoyed the sunlight so much. I wore shorts and flip-flops. I biked for 20 minutes while I was at the gym. I didn’t break any speed records and the highest gear I made it to was 5. I normally start at 10. So much sad still, but hey, I did it. I went there. I did something. Fuck yeah. Take that, Cancer. Fuck you, you fucking son of a bitch. I’m a badass.

And so with that, I’m caught up to today. I’ll save that for another writing, though.

I’ve been so much more productive this past week. I’ve felt better. More me. More with it. More like the me I kept looking for but was never able to find. I don’t know where this change is stemming from.

Is it because I no longer have a lump of cancer in my throat? Is it the Zoloft? Is it the high-ish dosage of Synthroid I’m on? Is it the week off of work that I had? Is it all the self-care stuff I’ve been doing?

I know it’s not a change in my perspective. I haven’t had a revelation. No puzzle piece has clicked into place. So all of these feelings and energy and productivity are coming from something else. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I could say it’s me, but I feel like if it’s from the medication then it’s not truly me. It’s like I’m faking it; cheating it.

On the flip side, it’s really nice to not be tired and sad all the time. It’s nice to not feel like crying at the thought of having to go out to the store; to not be overwhelmed by it because it’s such an impossibly large task.

I’m still cautious of this feeling, but I’m allowing myself to ride the tide of ok-ness for as long as it lasts. I want my days to continue to be full of green marks from all the things I was able to do. I like these feelings. I like feeling like me.

Daily Post 189: Post-Op and Work

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I still have a ways to go to catch up on everything that’s happened post-surgery.

I left off last with dropping my dad off at the airport. I went to school. I turned in the makeup work for the previous Thursday. I got all of the other information I missed. Nothing overly exciting or special. I still had the dressing over my incision so I was pretty self-conscious about being out in public.

Later in the day, I had my post-op appointment. I got to see the surgeon again. He explained that the pathology had come back. Cancer cells were found in my lymph nodes so he recommended that I receive a radioactive iodine treatment.

That wasn’t the news I was hoping to hear. I wanted to be told that this chapter in my life was over. Cancer had lost the war. I could move on with figuring out my new normal. Surgery was supposed to have prevented me from needing additional things. But no. Now I had to call my brothers and tell them it wasn’t over. I was going to have to go back to work and tell that to my coworkers. To my patients.

I still have cancer.

The PA took the dressing off my incision. She said it looked really good. I don’t have a lot of experience with incisions so I wouldn’t know. When we left the office I stopped at one of the restrooms so I could see it. It was the first time I had seen it. The first time looking at my new reflection.

Ox held me while I cried in front of the elevators. While I verbally vomited all of my anger and frustration. We were supposed to be done. How am I supposed to afford a three-day hospital stay and everything that is going to go along with this next step?

He said we would figure it out and he continued to hold me until I was ok enough to leave, going back out into the world to do things.

We stopped at the hospital while we were there. I got to deliver the thank you cards I had written for the team that took care of me. It felt good. I hope the cards got to everyone.

Wednesday I had counseling. I got to explain how the week with my dad went. I got to talk about my feelings regarding my post-op appointment. I don’t think a lot of anything else happened that day.

Thursday was another school day. The weather was pretty crappy so I left early, getting to school at 8 am for my 9:30 class. Around 9:15 a woman came in and asked me and the other student who was present if we were the Intro to Sociology class. I said yes, we were.

Woman: Due to the weather your instructor won’t be able to be here today. Your class is canceled.

Sort of sucked to have driven all the way into town for nothing, but hey… I didn’t have class. I called Ox and asked him if he wanted me to pick up anything from the store before going home. He said no and told me to drive safely.

I made it back to the apartment. I don’t remember what I did… Maybe I was cross-stitching or doing random odds and ends. Either way… imagine my surprise when I get a notification from my Canvas app telling me that I was marked absent from school…

Fuuuuucccckkk…. my life…

I sent a message to the instructor explaining how I had been told class was canceled. Had there been a miscommunication? I left it at that, mildly contemplating if I should just go ahead and withdraw from the course. I mean… was it really worth all of the stress when I had so many other things still going on in my life?

I decided to wait on making a decision until I heard back from my instructor. If I was penalized for believing a school official’s word then I would peace out in a heartbeat. Fuck that shit. I have better things to do with my time. I stayed pretty aggravated over the issue for a while since I never got a reply to my message.

Friday was my first day back at work. It was pretty brutal even though the day itself was smooth in comparison to most of my “normal” days. I still got tired easily. I had to sit down a lot. I thought about saying that I wasn’t ready to come back to work yet and that we needed to find coverage for my Saturday shift.

I didn’t, though. Not sure if that was smart or not, but I went to work Saturday. It went better. Still a little under the weather, but I made it through and I was proud of myself for it.

Ox and I were supposed to go into town Sunday but we ended up staying at home instead. I was grateful to not go anywhere. I was tired. Most likely from work taking so much out of me. Sunday ended up being a day of recovery since I had work again Monday.

Monday went well. Better than my first two days back. Even my RN mentioned how I was on point and kept jumping from one thing to the next to the next. In my defense, things just happened to be spaced out that once I was pretty much done with one event I was able to move seamlessly to the next thing. It’s not like I was trying to work extra hard or fast or anything. There happened to be a flow and I stayed with it. I didn’t feel overly tired. I didn’t have to take as many breaks to sit down and catch my breath. It was a good day and it made me hopeful that my days would continue getting better as my incision healed.

So that’s another week caught up on. I’m sure I’m leaving out details here and there, but those are the major points from that week. Mostly that I found out the Cancer Saga isn’t over, becoming acquainted with my new self, and going back to work.