My last posting in this section of my blog was January 22nd of last year. Realizing how long I have neglected sharing the things I’ve worked on made my heart ache.
Initially I started this project simply because I wanted to work on it, but as I worked I realized I wanted to gift it to someone. Someone special. Mother Earth.
When I took my trip to Orlando I was able to give Calipso to her in person. It’s my hope that having a piece of my life with her reminds her that I care.
So I haven’t written in a few days and that’s mostly because Friday was such a hellacious day at work that it’s taken me this long to recover.
Friday started out amazing. It was the 14th. I’m not super into Valentine’s day, but February 14th was my first full day in Nebraska. It’s the day Ox and I agreed to be our anniversary because it was the start of us being together. So, regardless of it being Valentine’s day, the 14th is an important day for both of us.
My day started with waking up at 2 am like normal to take my Synthroid. When I went to the restroom there was a card on the sink counter; a card from Ox. I opened to see a glitter Valentine’s day card saying, “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you!” Opening the card showed the response, “Oh yeah, now I remember. You put up with me!”
It really was the perfect card. We both ask each other that question all the time. “Why do you put up with me?”
There was a handwritten message below the printed one.
Ox: It also helps that you are so beautiful, smart, funny and strong. Along with so many other things too numerous to list. I love you, Jennifer. Happy Valentine’s day and 2 year anniversary. xoxo
I was nearly in tears and I crawled back into bed and hugged Ox as he slept. It was such a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting anything. I’m not into gifts. We hadn’t talked about getting each other anything. It was just another day that ended in “y”. But no. It WAS, IS, a special day and I got something special to make it special.
When Ox woke up I hugged and thanked him for my card. He said he had found it weeks ago as he was walking through Walmart and had to get it and he had to wait this whole time to be able to give it to me. I can only imagine how hard it was to keep it that long, waiting to see my reaction.
It was a nice way to start the day. There was no indication of the hell I was about to go through. Work even started fine. I got my paperwork signed so I didn’t have that looming over me. The only thing left was to put it in the mail so I could get a date set for taking the test. I paid bills, too, because I was all gung-ho about being a productive adult.
My Brain: Yeah! Let’s conquer the day!
Universe: Hold my beer…
It wasn’t until change over started that shit hit the fan. Our first three patients had low standing blood pressure for roughly 40 minutes each. Since they drive to their treatment, we legally cannot let them leave until their pressure is within a certain range. It sucked. Hardcore. Words can’t express the level of suckage the rest of the day was. The RN and I did the best we could, but when you’re running 40 minutes behind there’s really not much you can do. : /
I was so beat up mentally by the time the day was done. I don’t really remember what I did after getting off work. I put my CCHT papers in an envelope and got it ready to be sent out. I think I started creating a “bag of tricks” sheet for the item my D&D character is using. I didn’t do a whole lot with it though. The mental effort wasn’t worth it. I do know that I went to bed praying that Saturday was a better day.
It was, thankfully. Quiet. Smooth. Nothing crazy. No low blood pressures. I was still dead on the inside, though, so it didn’t matter that the day was good. My goal was to survive and I did. Mission accomplished. Nothing extra. No to-do list to make me feel guilty. Nothing to accomplish after work other than not being at work. No socializing. No obligations. Nothing other than silence both inside my head and outside of it around me.
I did end up filling out a loan application with my bank since Jon is going to be moving to Nebraska. More on that later. The process took longer than I felt it should have since some of their instructions were unclear. I had to talk to a lady on the phone. She was extremely pleasant and helped me find the correct forms to upload. I also talked to a realtor about a house and set up a viewing of the property. I colored for a bit, wondering why I was so tied before realizing that, oh yeah, it’s because it’s 7 and that’s my bedtime.
I packed up my color pencils and went to bed with the knowledge that Sunday was a blessed day off and that for the next 24 hours I didn’t have to care about blood pressures or flipping stations fast enough for the next shift of patients.
Sunday was pretty low key. I went about my morning routine. I’m starting to find comfort in it. There’s a flow to my mornings now that wasn’t there before. There’s a pace that helps me gear up for the day. Eventually, I was ready to make an attempt at being productive.
I started by tackling the bedroom. I worked up a bit of a sweat doing it but by the end, the bed was made, the floors were swept, and the kittens had a billion toys returned to them from the random hiding places they’ve been finding to stash them.
I spent the vast majority of the day coloring. Ox and I talked a few times. When I mentioned how I hadn’t really been doing much, he encouraged me to take it easy.
Ox: You don’t get many days like this. Enjoy it.
I didn’t have school work to do. The chores were mostly done. Could I do more? Yeah. We could always be doing more. But at what point do you say it’s good enough and take some time for yourself?
That’s what Sunday was. I took a nap in the sunlight with the kittens. I made a lot of progress on my project. I actually relaxed instead of giving myself shit for not going to the gym or doing any of the other things that could have gotten done. It was a nice day and the start of my recovery from the day that was Friday.
I finished my “bag of tricks” sheets and got them printed. I even put the pages in my D&D binder. I went through the pictures on my phone and cleaned out all of the memes I’ve downloaded for text message replies since I live my life through memes. I also made a level two character sheet since our characters are most likely going to level up during our next session. I took the spell Inflict Wounds. I may be a cleric but you definitely don’t want to piss my character off. I will end you. XD
That was pretty much all of Sunday. Nice and slowly productive on things that I actually wanted to personally work on. Very much a “me” day and I think I benefited from it.
That brings us to yesterday. Monday. Another workday.
Ox and I met in the morning. I didn’t want to go to work. I was tired. I was sore. My feet hurt still. I didn’t want to do it. At all. ;-;
I trudged off to work, promising Ox that I would drive safely and that I would try to have a good day.
The day went well. Much smoother than Friday. No low blood pressures this time. My RN and I kicked serious ass. We ended up closing the clinic 30 minutes after our last patient’s treatment ended. We’re given an hour to do it, so us closing up 30 minutes “early” put us in the green as far as their calculations for labor go.
My Brain: Hell yeah! Go Team Awesome!
I drove home. I stopped at the gas station since I was running too low on gas to make it to school the next day. I picked up cigarettes for Ox and myself. I even bought a car wash while I was there. My back window was grungy. I had thought to just wash the window then thought… what the hell. Let’s get the whole thing washed.
Yeah. That’s how ok I was feeling. Went to work and can still do stuff like a badass. /flex
I stopped at the house to see Ox for a bit. Monday night is raid night for him so I wasn’t planning on staying long. Jon called while I was there so I talked to him for a bit. We talked about him withdrawing from school and what that would mean. I told him that only he could say what it meant for him. If other people thought it was a failure then they could go fuck themselves because they’re not the ones living his life. Only he could make the choices that were right for him.
I had been starving on the drive home. Seriously, the stirring wheel was looking tasty. While I was in the middle of raiding the fridge for any and all leftovers, I got a call from my FA.
An issue was brought to her attention that she needed to address with me. The nurses were making comments about how I have been coloring at the nurses desk during downtime.
First off… What the hell guys? We’ve been killing it during the days that I work since I’ve been back from surgery. What the fuck? Secondly, if you have an issue with it, why didn’t you feel like you could say something to me personally? It’s not like I’m an unreasonable bitch who can’t be talked to. : /
My FA said her first response to the comments was, “Is she still taking care of the machines when they alarm?”
Nurse: Well, yeah.
FA: Ok.
Essentially, the nurses couldn’t say that I am slacking on my duties or doing anything wrong. In fact, I’m doing everything right. They just don’t like the fact that I’m not “working”. I would like to take a moment that I don’t think it’s both nurses. I think it’s one specifically.
My FA said she understood that coloring right now is a coping mechanism for me. The 19th is almost here. I’ve been waiting for this day. I’ll finally get answers. I’ll finally know the next steps and how my endocrinologist wants to handle my situation. I’ll know if my meds are right. I’ll know how fucked I am for the future. I’ll know what I need to do in regards to school if I have to be hospitalized. I’ll finally know what chaos is in my future and how it’s going to interfere with the peace and calm that I’ve been so hesitant to enjoy.
I know I haven’t written a whole lot about it and maybe I should have delved more into this side of my life. I did mention how I felt like this era of calm wouldn’t last and that I’m about to enter another stormy, uncertain time. I’ve been holding my breath, waiting, because there isn’t anything else for me to do but I hate waiting and I’m not good at it so what can I do other than smoke a million cigarettes to get me through until I know what’s going on?
I told my FA that coloring has been helping me with those feelings. During the downtime at work, if there is any, once all my tasks are done and vitals are caught up and there’s literally nothing to do except wait for treatments to end, I’ve been coloring because my other options are to go outside and smoke or sit and stew inside my own head. It keeps those feelings in check. It gives me a way to wonder through my mind without getting lost or sad or feeling like I have no control over what’s going on.
My Brain: I still have cancer, but you know what, I really think this section would look good with another layer of purple. Let’s do it. It’s ok to have cancer. I can still make pretty things while having cancer. Cancer isn’t the end of my life. Things will be ok. Things are ok. Oh, my alarm is going off. Our first treatment is about to end so let me put this aside for now and go prep for change over.
She understood where I was coming from. She said she was actually glad I had found something to help me be mentally and emotionally ok. She said that since the patients are taken care of she doesn’t care if I color or not. She said she needed me to be ok more than she needed the nurses to be happy. I do good work. If the nurses want to be catty that’s on them. I still answer the alarms. I still chart when it’s supposed to be done. I’m not sitting behind the desk while things need to be taken care of, ignoring my duties so in her mind there isn’t an issue.
She said as a manager, she had an obligation to bring up the topic with me. So, she called. We talked about it. End of story.
I told her I was sorry for causing friction within our team. That wasn’t my intention. Maybe if I get a chance to talk to her again I can ask why the nurse(s) didn’t feel like they could talk to me. Why did this issue have to be a secret conversation with my boss? Why couldn’t we have been adults and talked to each other about an issue?
My FA said during her conversation she told the nurse(s) that we needed to get through the 19th. She thinks I’ll feel better once I have answers. I hope I do. I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with my life. And even when I do finally know what we’re going to be doing, it’s not like I have much of a choice. It’s more like I’m being dictated to.
Dr: This is what you need to do so you don’t die. What do you want to do?
My Brain: Talk about choice paralysis. How am I supposed to make a decision with some many outstanding options? Well… since I’m not really on board with the whole dying thing… I guess lets go with the staying alive thing…
So yeah. I wasn’t expecting to have a conversation like that with my boss, but I’m glad I have her support and I’m glad that she understood me and defended me when other people wanted to assume untrue things.
FA: You don’t complain. You are a quiet person and you keep your personal troubles to yourself. Just because you’re not complaining doesn’t mean you’re ok. Other people need to imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes.
Warm fuzzy feelings. I appreciated my conversation with her and it made everything feel worth it. Staying with the company, moving to Nebraska, all of it. I have an amazing boss. Not everyone can say that and so I’m grateful.
Not a whole lot happened the rest of the night. I ended up being at the house when Mama Ox came home with groceries so I helped carry them inside. I went to the apartment shortly after that. I colored more. I went to bed. Ox came over. There was mind-blowing, amazing sexy time followed by a night of deep, restful sleep.
This morning has been off to a nice start. It’s sunny which helps. I’ve found a few more postings for houses. The new ones I showed Jon are rent to own and they allow pets since he now has a dog and I have the kittens. The properties are a bit further away then I would like, but they’re nice. I sent messages to see about viewing the inside of them. We’ll see where that goes.
Aside from that, I’ve written. Hooray. I need to shower and get ready for school. Ox and I have plans to meet up and do the grocery shopping. I’m looking forward to today and the next two… ish… Not really looking forward to my appointment, but I don’t have to be at work, so there’s that. Maybe I can finish recovering from Friday.
Last night’s D&D session went well. It took a bit to get started as we waited for everyone to arrive and get setup. I mentioned how Ox and I would be late to the next session due to my Endrocologist appointment. I didn’t go into details but they were ok with us being late. If I had known I would end up as part of a D&D group, I would have scheduled it for a different day. I’ve waited too long for this appointment to try rescheduling it.
The session itself was fun. I got to use my “Bag of Tricks” finally. It was a gift to my character from the Cat Lord. I now have a Giant Badger as a friendly ally to help me create all sorts of chaos… like chewing on hobgoblins who won’t answer my questions about where the shiny things are. >.>;
On the way home Ox said maybe next campaign I should play a different character. You know… one where everyone else could play too because they wouldn’t be dying from lack of air due to laughing so hard… I’ll consider it. Currently, I’m having so much fun, though.
DM: You find several barrels of brandy.
Me: Can I set them on fire?
DM: Why would you want to do that?
Me: Why wouldn’t I want to do that?
So much fun. XD
We ended up ordering pizza this time. I greatly appreciated having food since my snacks weren’t cutting it.
In other news, today has been a successful day so far. Morning routine. Check. Get to school early enough to get the parking spot in the middle of nowhere that I want. Check. Attend class. Check.
Have a surprise visit from Ox. Totally not on the list, but fuck it. adds to list Check.
That was sort of cute situation. I was too busy internally bitching about how cold the wind was as I was tossing my stuff into my car to notice that the car across from me was the Trax. Ox got out and greeted me.
Me: Oh! Well, hello!
We shared a cigarette. We talked about how my class went. Today we discussed the importance of love and affection for social and psychological development. We listened to a few podcasts about different studies that have been done to scientifically prove that affection during early development is necessary for proper behavioral development and how disorders such as attachment disorder can from due to neglect and isolation. Interesting stuff.
Ox told me about his day. He let me try a new Bang; Candy Apple Crisp. It tastes like a red delicious apple. Not bad, but I prefer green apples because I’m weird. While we were standing around I checked my finances. My federal tax return was sitting in my bank account making me look all rich and stuff. I added paying Allison back onto my mental list of things to do once I got back to the apartment.
Ox and I chatted about how the rest of the day would go down and then parted ways; him for home and me for the gym.
I biked again. Nothing super crazy like Tuesday, but enough to let me feel productive. 20 minutes, 4 miles, top gear at 9.
I stopped at the gas station to pick up some sour cream and cheddar cheese. Part of my meals this coming week will be leftover chili that I had in the freeze. Can’t have chili without cheese and sour cream. I also picked up a couple of packs of cigarettes. I was going to buy a carten, but they didn’t have any in stock.
While I was headed to the gas station from the gym I called Jon since he had tried to reach me during my class. He’s been contacted by my company and has scheduled a phone interview for Monday at 3 pm. I’m totally stoked. Things are going amazingly well in regards to my evil master plan. At the end of our conversation, Jon said he was going to reach out to the college again to get more information about his credits and what he needed to do to see if they will transfer. I haven’t heard back from him but I imagine he’ll either call later tonight or I’ll talk to him in the next few days.
I’ve been productive since being back at the apartment. Finished washing and putting the dishes away. Finished with meal prepping. Bleached the bathroom since everything was purple from dying my hair yesterday. I finished reading chapter four and took the online test. Got a 100. I went ahead and did the reference assignment that’s due next Tuesday so I don’t have school stuff looming over me. I did pay Allison back. I feel good for having that taken care of.
I also filled out the application to renew my CCHT license. That doesn’t have to be done until May, but I want to do it sooner rather than later. There’s a part that my FA has to fill out. I should be able to see her tomorrow. Hopefully, that’s the case so I can get this mailed out tomorrow evening.
That’s about it at the moment. I’m about to head over to the house to enjoy the rest of my evening cross-stitching next to Ox. We’re both wanting to make it an early night tonight. I’m looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed my three days off. I’m ready to see my patients. : 3
I woke up on the tired side today. With how productive and full of interaction yesterday was, I’m not really giving myself shit for taking it slow so far.
Yesterday was school, grocery shopping, the gym, and in between all of those things multiple conversations about my brother moving here to Nebraska. A lot of mental work went into figuring out solutions, ironing out priorities, and game planning for the future. Add to that two rounds of sexy time. Not just one, but two after pushing pretty hard at the gym… No wonder I woke up the way I did.
Ox and I talked about our recent bout of sex. I’m totally not complaining. It is different than what I have grown accustomed to over the two years we’ve been in a relationship though. It leaves a part of my self feeling vulnerable. Here is this thing I’ve been desperately wanting, being willing given out of nowhere.
My Brain: This is amazing and exactly what I want. I don’t trust it. >.>
Of course, Brain. Ruin a good thing why don’t you. >.<
My vulnerability led to open discussion and a clearer understanding of our relationship and where we’re at. Which, we’re in a good place if you were wondering.
After waking up this morning, I slowly slugged through the tasks I had. Feed the kittens. Eat breakfast before taking meds. Clean the litter box. Take out the trash. Get the chicken marinating. Run over to the house with laundry and get that started. Log my workout from yesterday.
Not a whole lot of exciting stuff but all things I was able to put a green mark through on my sheet of paper for the day. Go me.
I went into town for counseling. We spent most of our hour together talking about all of the developments with Jon and how yesterday went. We talked about the bill for my surgery and how it won’t be until after my session next week that I find out more about my cancer status. We talked about how D&D went and how the gym is going. Lots of stuff.
There’s been a lot of good, stable things recently. I feel like the past few weeks have been a tentative calm after all of the chaos pre and post-surgery. I believe there will still be some bumps in the future in regards to the iodine treatment. There’s a tension within me. This feeling that things aren’t over and that the calm and peace I feel now won’t last for much longer.
I do think I’m doing better. I do think I’m focusing more on my self and making sure I’m on stable ground for this next phase, and I think that’s what a lot of these past weeks have been. Finding my footing so I can keep going forward to the next hard thing. So while I don’t have a whole lot to talk about in regards to problem-solving my life in counseling, I don’t think I’m at a point where I want to stop going or reduce the number of times we meet in a month. I think I still need to utilize this resource for the time being.
After counseling, I called Ox. We agreed I would go to the apartment and keep plucking away at things, so I did. At the moment, nearly all of my meal prep is done. Just waiting for the chicken taco soup to finish up in the Ninja so I can shred the chicken and divide everything up into containers. I want to finally sweep the bedroom and maybe mop it. I’ve already put dye in my hair so at some point I need to rinse it out.
All of the stuff is packed for D&D tonight, so there’s not much to do in that regard. Just make sure I take the bag out the door with me, which is the true test. XD
Aside from some other minor things, putting the dishes away, switching the wash, typing up the remaining notes, there’s not a whole lot left to today. I’m ok with that. It’s been a quiet day so far. A slow quiet day after a lot of busy excitement.
I’ll keep you posted on how D&D goes. : 3
Oh, man. Talk about a productive day of evil, mastermind planing.
It started with waking up. Ox wasn’t with me, but I had been prepared for the potential of him not coming over. It was a slow morning. A pre-school morning.
I plucked around on the computer for a bit. I renewed my domain name for my CG website. I haven’t done anything with it since I resigned from Full Sail but I don’t want to let it go either. It was $35 for another two years. Not bad as far as expenses go and with my state refund I wasn’t cutting into the grocery bill.
I also went onto Amazon. I love using green and orange highlighters. I use them for the flashcards I make for school. I use them to mark my progress on cross stitch patterns. Most recently I’ve started using them to mark what I have accomplished on my to-do lists rather than scratching through them with my pen or pencil. Seeing color on the page makes something in my brain happy.
Well… the shitty thing about having a specific color highlighter you want to use is if you run out and need to buy more you typically have to buy a whole pack with a bunch of other colors that are going to collect dust for forever. A quick search on Amazon revealed that I can buy packs of an individual color, other than yellow.
Best. Day. Ever.
I also looked into the whole Amazon Prime thing for students since I’m a student and all. I can use it for six months free. Guess what’s an Amazon Prime item?
Yep. That’s right. My spiffy highlighters of awesomeness. So in two days, I’ll have two 12 packs of happiness tucked away with the rest of my office/computer supplies.
While I was on the site I also ordered a bottle of the leave-in conditioner I like using for my hair. The places here in Nebraska never have it in stock. Is ordering online really destroying “in-store” retail when they never have what I’m looking for?
I decided to splurge a little bit more by buying a box of Pop Corners. I didn’t even know those were a thing until I got a care package in the mail from one of my friends. It was a box full of goodies, mostly high protein stuff for recovery after surgery, but the Pop Corners were a treat. The Sweet Kettle Corn flavor has crack cocaine in it. That’s the only explanation for why they’re so ridiculously good. Since I had gone through the supply from my friend I decided to feed my addiction by seeing what Amazon had to offer.
There was a 28 count box for $15.
Me: Bought!
That item wasn’t a Prime item, but I was ok with waiting.
I did dishes and spent some time with the kittens. By then I didn’t have time to go to the gym before class, which I was ok with. I could go afterward and be fine with my day.
I showered and got ready to leave. I stopped at Walgreens to pick up the refill for my Synthroid. While I was there I ended up talking to my boss on the phone. We talked about how the patient schedule would be changing. It’s nice to know what I’ll be walking into on Friday and Saturday. It was also nice being able to talk to her. Recently I’ve only been able to see her briefly on Fridays.
Class was interesting. We continued the discussion from last Thursday; is it possible for humans to pursue peace or is violence ingrained into our DNA? Is our behavior nature or a product of our culture? Very interesting discussion.
I left class feeling good. Ox was still at work when I called him. We agreed to meet at Hi-Way Diner for lunch. I got a cup of coffee while I waited for him and began typing up my notes. He arrived, petting my head to pull me out of the bubble of solitude I had created for myself with my headphones and music.
Ox: Did I scare you?
Me: No. I don’t think there are many people who would randomly come up and start petting me.
We ordered our food and ate as we talked about the new virus that was discovered in Brazil. More interesting stuff. I didn’t know viruses could replicate, transcribe, or translate DNA. Science is pretty cool.
After eating Ox went to make his car payment while I went to pick up more wet cat food. I haven’t had to buy as much since I’ve been splitting a can between the kittens rather than giving them each a whole can. I still had a few cans left, but it wouldn’t have lasted until next Tuesday so I figured I would get more while I was in the area.
Ox and I met back up at GNC for the energy drinks we like. Sadly they didn’t have any of the Sour Apple Reign for Ox. We got two cases of Bang instead. I carried both of them out to the car. It’s the first time since surgery I’ve carried two at once. The last time I had gone I had to make two trips to the car since I could only lift one case at a time. It sucked.
Not this time though. : D
Ox called me a brat while I did it. I mean… I can understand his viewpoint. Here he is, a macho guy carrying nothing walking next to a chick who’s lugging around two cases worth of energy drinks. This was a victory moment for me though, damnit. I can finally lift normal shit that I took for granted pre-surgery. Let me have my moment!
From GNC we went to Costco. We got gas for the cars. Inside we picked up St. Louis ribs since Papa Ox has been mentioning that he would enjoy having those for dinner one night. I picked up two roasts for future meal prep. We got two containers of cottage cheese; one for the house and one for me.
Ox convinced me to get a bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels. The deal was he had to take the rest of the candy from my care packages. I can’t have all of that chocolate sitting around the apartment. Dark chocolate covered pretzels are a weakness for me. Sooo good. >.<;
While we were walking to check out I noticed a box… a box of Pop Corners. The same box, in fact, that I had just spent $15 dollars on… for only $6.
I couldn’t get my phone out fast enough. XD
Me: Cancel order! Cancel order! Cancel order!
Amazon: Your message has been sent to the seller. Please note that your order may not be canceled.
Me: Fuck my life.
Ox: Well, at least we know for next time.
I put the box of Pop Corners in the cart, hoping that my order would, in fact, be canceled. If not… well… at least I hadn’t paid more than I did.
We checked out. As we were standing next to the cars I got an email notification saying the order was canceled. Woooooo! Even better best day ever!
Ox and I talked for a while, which needs a bit of backstory… as I was leaving the diner, I had gotten a few messages from Jon.
Jon: I called SCC. I spoke to the LPN Director.
Then nothing. Silence. No continuation of his story. No explanation. Just suspense.
My Brain: What the did you talk to her about? What did you ask her? I need details.
I called him and basically said those exact things. That he wasn’t allowed to leave me in suspense like that and to spit it out.
Jon: I thought you were grocery shopping and would talk to me later.
Me: Yeah. That was before you messaged me. I need details so spill it.
Jon: Well, you were right…
So, basically, he called the college I’m going to and talked to the LPN Director. You know… the director I met due to my training at the gym with her husband. The person I spoke with in regards to my cancer diagnosis and seeing what my options with school were. Yeah… that director…
My brother explained who he was and she said she remembered me. Warm fuzzy feelings. : 3
My brother also explained his situation and how he was thinking about moving to Nebraska and wanted to know more about the program and the chances of his credits transferring.
He told me that he had called a handful of schools. Some out in Vegas near Jason. Some in other locations he was thinking about. So far Nebraska seems like the best option for him. I don’t know all of the details from his conversation with the director, but Jon likes the information he got in regards to the college and how the school handles the nursing programs.
That led to a fairly long conversation ending with Jon saying he was going to talk to a few other people and get their perspectives and that we would talk more later. I told him I was proud of him. Not because he was thinking about moving to Nebraska specifically, but because he did research and got more information. He saw that he really does have other options and that some of those options are actually viable.
By making phone calls he showed himself that he’s not stuck in a hopeless situation. It takes effort and courage to call a stranger and spill your soul, admitting that your life currently sucks, and to ask if there’s anything they can do to help.
My Brain: Don’t mind me. I’ll just be over here, being a super proud older sister. >.> /high fives self
So yeah, after shopping at Costco, Ox and I talked pretty extensively about how he felt about the potential for Jon moving here to Nebraska. I wanted to hear his perspective.
Ox’s biggest concern would be if Jon and I ended up moving to Beatrice, which is about a 40-minute drive from the house. Ox and I wouldn’t be able to see each other as much. I would be much closer to school and work. I would be extremely close to my dojo as well. IN some ways it would make the 8 months of school easier. On the other hand, I don’t like the idea of being 40-ish minutes away from dinner or a cigarette or a hug.
Ox had a few other concerns. Never seeing me because I’m spending all my time with my brother. Jon not wanting him over at our residence because he hates Ox on principle… things like that.
They are all valid points. I like to think that I wouldn’t let my love for my brother compromise my relationship with Ox.
Ox and I also talked about potential employment for Jon. He’s a CNA and while he currently works at a hospital in Daytona, he wouldn’t be able to work at a hospital here in Lincoln. The hospitals here have phased out CNAs and LPNs. Jon doesn’t want to work in a long-term care facility…
Ox: Has he thought about working for your company?
That led to another conversation with Jon.
Me: Have you ever thought about being a dialysis technician?
Jon: I mean… I’ve never done it but I’m willing to give it a shot. The clinics here said they couldn’t hire me because of my school schedule.
Me: The clinics here are super understanding when it comes to school. And the company has paid training. They’ll teach you everything you need to know.
So… yeah… that led to another really long conversation. At the end of that one, I told Jon that I would call my boss and talk to her and see what information I could get for him.
I called my boss… again… XD
I explained the situation and how my brother was considering moving here to Nebraska. I explained his work history and how he wasn’t very interested in going back into long-term care. Were there needs in any of our sister clinics?
There are. There are three open positions. With his years of experience as a CNA my FA’s “gut feeling” is that he would be able to get more than base pay. It’s not guaranteed and she didn’t give me a number, but with how much more exposure he has, I would be surprised if he was offered base pay.
Even if he is offered that, it’s more than what he’s currently making.
So long story, long… he’s going to apply and he’s thinking about coming out to see Nebraska during his spring break in school, which would be around March 9th to the 13th.
I want this to work. I want this to work so freaking bad. Jon is going to do a bit more research on his end, but I think he’s finally seeing how much better this situation could legitimately be.
So that was the majority of my afternoon. I went to the gym and biked for 38 minutes. I made it to gear 14. I most likely pushed a bit too much. I went to Walmart afterward and could tell my neck wasn’t happy with me. It didn’t really hurt, but I could tell there were “not happy with you” feelings there.
I got the last bit of groceries needed for my meal prep. I also stocked up on chicken thighs and no-tatoes while I had the money to do so. After that, I went to the apartment and put all of my things away.
I went to the house. One of the pieces of mail was my Cigna paperwork regarding my surgery. I’ve been waiting for this piece of mail to come. I’ve been dreading it; knowing it would appear one day to tell me how financially fucked I am.
My surgery cost $29,942.62. My insurance covered 82% of it. I owe $4,945.88.
Out of nearly $30,000 I only have to pay roughly $5,000.
I guess I really can’t bitch a whole lot. That’s still a lot of money, but the hospital is willing to work with me. I can make payments and not be completely fucked. And compared to what it could have been, that’s really not a lot. I think that’s more than fair. I think 82% makes having insurance worth it. So, not exactly the best of news, but much better than what I was expecting.
We decided to cook the ribs we had bought earlier for dinner. I put them in the InstaPot, showing Mama Ox how easy it was to cook them. Ox and I had mindblowing sexy time while dinner cooked itself. Maybe that’s kind of trashy of me, but if it is, I’m ok with it. I mean… not only did I kickass in school, I also did all my errands, went to the gym, and got my brother to admit that I was right. Fuck yeah, I’m a sexy, productive, bad-ass bitch. Who wouldn’t want this? /flex
We ate dinner and it was super tasty, and that was about it for the night. Papa Ox mentioned that Venus was visible tonight and sure enough you can see it in the west. That’s pretty cool.
Ox got roped into running dungeons on WoW so I decided to come over to the apartment to write and be with the kittens. I might cross-stitch for a bit. Maybe color. Not sure yet. Still sort of in awe of how everything has gone down today.
Maybe this is the Universe apologizing for giving me cancer.
Universe: Hey. I know things have been sort of shitty, so here’s some good stuff to make up for it.
God. I hope this all works out. I really, truly do.
Today has been… a day. This might end up being a longer, more rambling post than what I have been writing recently.
Ox came over last night. We slept together. I slept well. My day started the way I have grown to enjoy. Breakfast, meds, shower, getting ready for work, time with Ox. It was nice.
Work went smoothly for first shift. Change over was pretty good, too. One of my patients, who normally arrives early, wasn’t there. When we tried calling her cell phone, she didn’t answer. My RN called the hospitals she could have been admitted to.
I’m not going to see her again. I can’t go into details, but Friday afternoon, as she walked out of the clinic thanking me, will be the last memory I have of her.
She was one of my first patients here in Nebraska. I’ve known her for two years. I’ve met her grandson. And I’ll never see her again.
It’s one of the shitty things about my job. I meet amazing people, and yet we’re all mortal and there will always be a day where we die. There won’t be any more, “How was your weekend?” or, “Did you finish the dream catcher you were working on?” No more, “I’ll see you next time.” No more conversations or stories or jokes.
It sucks and I ache over it. At the same time, I knew how much pain she was in. I knew at least some of the other complications going on. I hope she isn’t suffering anymore. I hope there’s no more pain. I hope she enjoyed the life she had even though there were things about it that weren’t fun to go through or experience.
That’s how my workday ended. Knowing that I would soon be seeing a new patient because a life had ended.
I called Ox on my drive home. I explained what was going on. I drove to the house to have a cigarette with him. We talked for a bit. I didn’t stay. The plan before any of this information had come about was for me to go to the apartment because he was scheduled to raid with his guild on WoW.
I’m ok with it. Even now. I think having solitude is good at the moment. It’s allowing me to write. It allowed me to talk to Jon for almost two hours, which is the main thing I want to write about. It was not a conversation I expected to have.
We did talk about my workday for a bit. He can empathize with my feelings and that part of our conversation did help me feel more at peace internally.
A vast majority of our conversation was about his situation regarding school and staying in Orlando.
I think he might actually entertain the idea of moving here to Nebraska. At one point during our conversation, I said, “I want you to know that through all of these suggestions and what-ifs, that what I’m asking of you is to let me love you. Let me help you be successful. Like me be part of your success.”
Jon: But I should be able to do it on my own.
Me: No. You shouldn’t. Humans are social creatures. We survive, we succeed, because we are part of a group. Successful people are successful because they have a support system and they use it. They don’t abuse it, but they reach out for help when they would benefit from it and accept help when it is offered.
I hope he thinks over our conversation. I hope he realizes that moving here wouldn’t be a failure. It wouldn’t be giving up. It wouldn’t be running away.
Gah… I don’t know. There’s a lot to think about on my end, too, not just his. I do know that I love my brother and I want to help him get to where he wants to be in life. Maybe he’ll let me.
I guess it wasn’t as long of a post as I thought it would be.
I’m sad in one area, and yet hopeful in another. It’s a weird feeling, but I guess that’s life.
Tomorrow I have class. Ox may come over tonight if raiding doesn’t go super late. It would be nice to wake up next to him. If not, then I’ll see him after class so we can go grocery shopping. I have already received my state refund so financially I’m in a better spot than I originally thought I would be.
I need to pick up my meds tomorrow. I would like to go to the gym tomorrow, too. Just a little bit of biking to try to get back to where I was pre-surgery. I think biking would help me figure out some of my emotions; let think through some things.
For now, I’m going to go color and then call it a night. It’s been a day and I’m ok with that.
A quick writing before bed.
Today has been a fairly slow and quiet day. I woke up this morning mostly because the kittens refused to let me sleep longer. I fed them their ration of wet cat food, something they always look forward to. I ate breakfast and took my Zoloft. I had a cup of coffee while I had a cigarette and enjoyed the sunlight from the balcony attached to my apartment.
I colored for about 15 minutes before starting in on school work. I printed most of my references for my culture report. A few of them I can’t access unless I’m on campus. I’ll have to figure out something for those. There’s also a PDF version of a 95-page book. Very uninterested in printing the entire thing… But yeah. I was able to print six other sources so I can flip through and highlight the information I plan to use.
I completed the citation assignment that is due Tuesday. I also completed the case study assignment that’s due Thursday. That only leaves reading chapter four’s material, taking the test, and preparing for the essay quiz on Thursday. Feeling pretty good with the school side of things.
I went to the house for breakfast. I had planned to go to the gym after cross-stitching for a bit. That didn’t happen. Sexy time was had instead followed by a nap. I realized as I was dozing why I like sleeping on my side with the weighted blanket covering my shoulder. It feels like Ox’s arm is draped over me when I sleep like that.
For most of the morning, I was emotionally raw. It’s almost the two-year mark for Ox and me. It’s getting closer to April which will be the four-year mark of mom’s death. I don’t know… I can feel the depth of love I have for Ox clearer than I’ve let myself for a while. That love tugs at the edges of my wound; the one I have from losing mom. I don’t want to love him less, but I’m very aware of how painful love is, or at least can be.
Me: I don’t want you to leave.
Ox: I know. I can’t promise to always be here, though.
Me: I know.
I told him that I needed him to know that’s what I wanted; for him to not leave.
We spent the vast majority of the day in the bedroom, him gaming and me cross-stitching next to him. It’s been nice. We ran to the gas station and back to the apartment so I could get a seasoning packet. Mama Ox agreed to let me try cooking steaks in the InstaPot she got. I was told by a patient that the steaks turn out super tender that way and I wanted to give it a shot.
I don’t think mine turned out that well. To me, they seemed overcooked, but then I normally eat my steaks rare so maybe I’m not a good reference point. I do think it’s worth another try. They weren’t awful but they weren’t amazing either.
Ox and I have been watching a new series on Netflix. Cagaster of an Insect Cage. It’s interesting. I don’t think there are many more episodes left.
I chatted with my cusion for a while. We got caught up on each other’s lives and how the start of 2020 hasn’t been what we were hoping for. I also talked to Jon for a little bit. He mostly wanted to complain about some of his classmates, but it was still good to hear his voice. We agreed to talk later in the week.
Not a whole lot has happened aside from that. I did dishes, filled the containers with dry cat food, cleaned the litter box, packed my lunch box for work tomorrow… That was an issue Saturday while I was running late. In my rush to get out the door, I forgot to pack water into my lunch box. Luckily I had a handful of water bottles in my car because I was a slacker and didn’t clean it out. Sometimes procrastinating pays off.
Oh. Another thing I don’t think I mentioned… I had to refill my Synthroid prescription. I called it in Thursday I believe. I received an automated message Friday afternoon saying there was an issue they were trying to resolve with my insurance company. If they needed more information from me they would call.
I didn’t have it in me to care. If they called me I would figure it out then. Until then there wasn’t an issue for me to worry about.
I got a call Saturday afternoon saying the issue was resolved and there would be no copay for my prescription. It was ready to be picked up at my convenience.
I’m way more ok with my prescription knowing that I’m not having to pay $40 a month for it. In the grand scheme of things, $40 a month isn’t bad for meds. It’s not awesome either. $40 every two or three months seems way more doable, though. So yeah, I’ll be picking my refill up on Tuesday while I’m in town for class.
And with that, I think I’m done for the day. Here’s to a good night’s sleep with alarms that go off when they’re supposed to.
Sooooo…. I didn’t color or cross-stitch last night… >.>;
After writing, Ox came over to the apartment. He took me to the gas station, driving my car since I needed gas but was begrudging to go back out into the world after working all day. He got me a few groceries I needed while we were there along with a pack of cigarettes. While I have been cutting back-ish, I’m not willing to go to work without emergency rations just yet.
When we got back to the apartment we clipped the kittens’ claws then cuddled. Cuddles led to amazing sexy time. With how ok I’ve felt today I think I needed the interaction more than I realized.
I slept deeply after Ox left. I woke up to my 2 am alarm to take my Synthroid. I have another alarm set for 2:30 am, which is when I typically get up for work. For the past two or three Saturdays, however, that particular alarm hasn’t gone off correctly. So waking up at 3:40 when I should already be showered and on the road was not a fun way to start the day.
I rushed through feeding the kittens and shoved a protein bar at my face while I tried to pack up my lunch box and backpack. I wasn’t able to shower. Trust me, I know. All of the eww. >.<;
I called the RN I was scheduled to work with and let her know not to freak out since I’m normally at work before her. I told her my ETA and she said not to sweat it; that we would be fine.
In regards to my lame alarm not wanted to go off… I plan to delete it and recreate it, since it goes off fine on Mondays and Fridays. I also plan to make another two alarms for “work days”. One for 2:45 and another at 3. Those will be fail safes because yeah… being late to work sucks. : /
Blessedly, I made it to work only a little late. We got the clinic set up on time. I dashed into one of the restrooms and used some of the wet wipes I keep in my backpack to “shower” as best I could, put deodorant on, and made sure my bandanna covered the disaster that was my hair. There was nothing I could do to salvage it. Sex hair and bed head? I would have broken my brush if I had tried.
Surprisingly, the day was pretty awesome. No complaints. I got to color off and on. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made on the mandala. I love it even more now that I’m getting into the shading and giving the image dimension.
I showed my previous mandala to one of my patients since the color pencils she gave me in my post-surgery care package were the pencils I used. She was pretty impressed and asked how I was able to add such detail with so few colors. It was cool to be able to talk art and nerd out with someone who was genuinely interested. I want to give her the mandala I’m currently working on as a thank you gift.
Anywho. Once the workday was done I clocked out and drove home. I chatted with Ox for a bit. I’m going to be going to the house after writing. And showering… Yes. Showering WILL happen.
I’m going to be taking burger patties over with me. That will end up being dinner. I finished coloring a few sections on my mandala when I first got to the apartment. I wanted to finish the section I had been working on at work.
I want to take care of the dishes before going to the house but for the most part tonight is about relaxing and enjoying the night cross-stitching next to Ox while he games.
Tomorrow will be mostly a school day; working on a few assignments and maybe starting the rough draft of my report. It’s been a good two days at work. I’m not worried about going back Monday and I’m looking forward to tomorrow.
And just because I can’t keep it to myself, here’s the more recent picture of what I’ve been working on. My brain has a happy. : 3
So this is going to be a bit of a rant. Not even remotely sorry about it. At least not yet.
I was grouchy yesterday. Most likely from not getting a lot of sleep. The conversations with Ox I mentioned in my post yesterday were short and snippy and I knew I was being borderline bitchy with no way to buy a “bitchy” filter.
My day did not improve in regards to the bitch factor after writing my daily post. Oh no… It got much worse.
How you ask? Why, let me tell you.
Fuck Google Docs. That’s how. Fuck those fucking files and the cloud they’re saved to.
I had thought to finish messing with my recipe pages during what should have been the relaxing, restorative hours of time I had to do something productive and worthwhile with my time.
Worst idea ever.
I created a recipe template a while back through Google Excel. For the most part it’s been awesome. I can color code everthing. I can add images. Most of the pages are perfect. No complaints.
There were three pages I had created from my template which wouldn’t print properly for some reason. This printing issue was a while ago; before the cancer thing. I hadn’t cared about the pages enough to put energy into fixing them. Last night I thought to finally conqure this task. I would finish catching up on creating recipe pages for the new things I’ve made which the family likes, and I would fix the three pages that were being weird.
I would get to finally put my recipe notebook away. I could even clean my my Google Drive once I was done. Heck. I could even make a backup of it on my external hard drive; something I haven’t done since Orlando.
I could do all the things. It would be great!
Universe: Hold my beer.
I couldn’t figure out why those three pages wouldn’t print the same way all of my other recipes had. The cell widths were the same. The margins were set the same. The page layout was the same. The printing options were the same…
Fine. Fuck you, Google. I’ll remake the page.
So I did. I took one of the pages that printed properly and duplicated it. I deleted all of the text and added the stuff I wanted. I changed the colors so it matched the section it would eventually go it. The page was perfect. Went to print…
Won’t print right.
What the fuck…? Why? I didn’t do anything to change the display other than the text and colors.
Fine. I’ll try making a new template. Made a new one. Blank template is correct. Add text to template. Check template in print preview. Won’t print right.
Me: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
It’s just like when I was trying to print the stupid D&D sheets and they kept getting cut off even though the option is set to “fit to page”. I just want things to print correctly. In a first-world country, I don’t think I’m asking for anything super fucking crazy by wanting my document to look the way it’s supposed to look. /rage
I’m still frustrated over it, just not as frustrated as I was when Ox called me while I was in the middle of trying not to break my laptop in half.
He graciously listened to me rant. Most likely because he didn’t have a choice once he opened the flood gates by continuously asking me “What’s wrong?”
Oh. I’ll tell you what’s wrong. And you’ll listen because you wouldn’t leave it alone. Enjoy being seared by my scathing rage.
Poor Ox. >.<;
We stayed on the phone for a while. Towards the end of the conversation, I had most of the angst out of my system. At last out enough to go back into the apartment and not destroy something.
Our conversation ended with talking about figurines for our D&D campaign. Jon had shown me a site, forever ago, where you could get custom figures made. I told Ox I would poke around and see if I could find it again and do some research into prices.
Hero Forge is the name of the site. I spend the next while playing around with making a figurine for my Tabaxi character. I liked it so much I saved it to the shopping cart so I can get it with my tax refund. If I get it created in steel it would cost $35. Not bad for a durable custom piece. The plastic options would be even cheaper.
Ox came over to the apartment since he was out getting his taxes done. It was nice getting another hug after settling down from the disaster with Google. I tried going to bed around 7. It took a while but eventually, I did fall asleep.
I woke up this morning mildly tired. Ox and I met for our morning cigarette. I drove to work. It was a smooth day. The nurse I’m working with is pregnant with identical twins. I can tell she’s getting further along. She’s not as fast, which is totally fine. It’s not like she’s sitting around playing Candy Crush on her phone while I’m sweating bullets. It does mean that I’m having to pull a bit more of the weight during the day.
Once change over was done I was pretty wiped and still had five hours to go. Takeoffs were pretty spaced out, which helped the end of the day go smoothly.
During the down times, I worked on my mandala. I got all of the base coloring done after I got home. Now I get to go back in and work on the shading and making it look all spiffy and awesome. I’ve been taking progress pictures as I get to my stopping points. I like seeing the progression. Once it’s done I’ll post the pictures here.
I still need to post all of the cross stitchings I’ve finished since the diagnosis along with the previous mandala I completed. At some point, I’ll do that; most likely not tonight.
There’s not a lot left on my to-do list for this evening. Writing was the biggest thing that I wasn’t even sure if I would actually do, but here we are. Go me. Totally proud for not letting today win and mustering up the energy to actually keep going with things.
I’ve washed the dishes that were in the sink. I might sweep up in the bedroom since I didn’t get around to that during my days off. Ox is going to come over in a bit so we can clip Dagger’s claws. Other than figuring out food there’s not much else to do. My biggest choice now is figuring out if I want to work on my cross-stitch or keep coloring…
I can say with the utmost certainty whatever I choose will not be working on my freaking Google Docs of doom. They can burn in hell for a while.
D&D was fun. I enjoyed being able to roleplay my character. We’re playing The Ghosts of SaltMarsh campaign, which I know a little bit about. Jon played through it with one of his groups. It will be interesting to see how our experience ends up different than his.
We gamed at the house of the husband and wife that Ox and I met the week before. The beginning was slow. We were waiting for other people to show up. The husband and wife have a daughter who ended up creating a character to play with us. She’s only 14-ish, so being around a bunch of adults she doesn’t know was a little awkward for her. I think she’ll come out of her shell more as we continue playing and she learns not only the mechanics of the game but the character she wants to be.
Once everyone was there we went around the table and introduced our characters. We figured out where we would be on the map and then began the game. We eventually all met up and after some discussion, agreed to check out the haunted house outside of town. A dead body was found washed up on the shore and it’s believed the house is somehow involved.
There were several times where the other players were having a hard time breathing because they were laughing so hard at what my character was doing or saying. God, it was so fun.
We didn’t get pizza. That was a little rough. Ox and I had stopped for snacks, but we didn’t really eat much in regards to dinner. Better mistakes next time.
As we were leaving I thanked the DM and his wife for such a good time. We’re scheduled to meet next Wednesday to continue our campaign. I’m thinking about offering to cook something for the group to eat. Not sure what, but I think it would be a nice gesture. They’re providing the space for us to play. I feel like it’s right for everyone else to provide food and drink.
Anywho, after gaming, Ox and I headed home. I called Jon back and talked to him during the ride. He had called earlier in the day while I was writing and I had said I would call him back, but then got distracted and then D&D was going on so I couldn’t talk on the phone… so yeah, I chatted with him for a bit. Ox drove to the house to get the stuff he needed for work the next day. We went to the apartment. He instantly fell asleep. I stayed up until 12:30-ish trying to fall asleep but not being very successful.
Today started decently enough. I woke up at six and stayed in bed, desperately trying to go back to sleep. At 7am I gave up since the kittens obviously did not care how tired I was or was not. I fed them and took my meds. I put the D&D stuff away so it wasn’t on the kitchen table anymore. Most of the hour I had to kill I spent reading Chapter 3 in my sociology book.
Around 8, I showered, got dressed, packed up, then headed to school. I was early so I continued reading. As class began I realized I didn’t have a pen, but was thankfully able to borrow one from a classmate.
We turned in our reference lists at the beginning. While the instructor went through them, the class listened to a presentation. It was a case study presented on NPR called New Baboon. It was pretty interesting. I took three pages worth of notes. After the presentation, we divided up into groups to answer some questions. We had just started discussing our answers as a class when we hit the 10:50 mark and class ended. We’re going to pick up the discussion on Tuesday.
All of my sources were approved, so that’s nice. I would like to start plucking away at the paper on Sunday. I had to run to catch up with the classmate who had loaned me her pen. She had forgotten about it. It made me feel good to remember to give it back.
I drove home after talking to Ox on the phone for a bit. I finished reading chapter 3 once I was at the apartment. I took the test associated with it. Got a 93. I’m ok with that. I typed up my notes from class and got them in my binder. I read the handout of another case study our instructor wants us to analyze.
At that point, I gave up trying to do more with school. The kittens were doing everything in the power to drive me crazy. Jumping on the stove. Stepping on my keyboard. Terrorizing the shower curtain…
I took a break, stepping outside to call Ox again while having a cigarette. I felt a little better after being outside. It’s sunny today. Not overly warm, but a nicer day than the previous two.
I ended up crawling under my blanket and napping for a bit with the kittens who thankfully settled down with me.
And that’s where I’m at so far today. I woke up. I called in the refill for my Synthroid since I have eight pills left. That will be ready for pick up tomorrow but I’ll most likely wait until Sunday to get it. I hope there’s not a copay for this one as well. That would be amazing. I’m not holding my breath though. I think it will be roughly another $40.
My to-do list has a few other tasks I would like to maybe do, but I’m still on the tired side of the energy spectrum and I haven’t done much in the way of coloring or cross-stitching since Saturday I believe. D&D sort of took over for a bit with character creation.
I don’t know… I’ll figure out the rest of my day, but for now, I do know that I’m done with school and I don’t have work obligations until tomorrow morning. The rest of the day is mine to do whatever I want.