Today has been… a day. This might end up being a longer, more rambling post than what I have been writing recently.

Ox came over last night. We slept together. I slept well. My day started the way I have grown to enjoy. Breakfast, meds, shower, getting ready for work, time with Ox. It was nice.

Work went smoothly for first shift. Change over was pretty good, too. One of my patients, who normally arrives early, wasn’t there. When we tried calling her cell phone, she didn’t answer. My RN called the hospitals she could have been admitted to.

I’m not going to see her again. I can’t go into details, but Friday afternoon, as she walked out of the clinic thanking me, will be the last memory I have of her.

She was one of my first patients here in Nebraska. I’ve known her for two years. I’ve met her grandson. And I’ll never see her again.

It’s one of the shitty things about my job. I meet amazing people, and yet we’re all mortal and there will always be a day where we die. There won’t be any more, “How was your weekend?” or, “Did you finish the dream catcher you were working on?” No more, “I’ll see you next time.” No more conversations or stories or jokes.

It sucks and I ache over it. At the same time, I knew how much pain she was in. I knew at least some of the other complications going on. I hope she isn’t suffering anymore. I hope there’s no more pain. I hope she enjoyed the life she had even though there were things about it that weren’t fun to go through or experience.

That’s how my workday ended. Knowing that I would soon be seeing a new patient because a life had ended.

I called Ox on my drive home. I explained what was going on. I drove to the house to have a cigarette with him. We talked for a bit. I didn’t stay. The plan before any of this information had come about was for me to go to the apartment because he was scheduled to raid with his guild on WoW.

I’m ok with it. Even now. I think having solitude is good at the moment. It’s allowing me to write. It allowed me to talk to Jon for almost two hours, which is the main thing I want to write about. It was not a conversation I expected to have.

We did talk about my workday for a bit. He can empathize with my feelings and that part of our conversation did help me feel more at peace internally.

A vast majority of our conversation was about his situation regarding school and staying in Orlando.

I think he might actually entertain the idea of moving here to Nebraska. At one point during our conversation, I said, “I want you to know that through all of these suggestions and what-ifs, that what I’m asking of you is to let me love you. Let me help you be successful. Like me be part of your success.”

Jon: But I should be able to do it on my own.

Me: No. You shouldn’t. Humans are social creatures. We survive, we succeed, because we are part of a group. Successful people are successful because they have a support system and they use it. They don’t abuse it, but they reach out for help when they would benefit from it and accept help when it is offered.

I hope he thinks over our conversation. I hope he realizes that moving here wouldn’t be a failure. It wouldn’t be giving up. It wouldn’t be running away.

Gah… I don’t know. There’s a lot to think about on my end, too, not just his. I do know that I love my brother and I want to help him get to where he wants to be in life. Maybe he’ll let me.

I guess it wasn’t as long of a post as I thought it would be.

I’m sad in one area, and yet hopeful in another. It’s a weird feeling, but I guess that’s life.

Tomorrow I have class. Ox may come over tonight if raiding doesn’t go super late. It would be nice to wake up next to him. If not, then I’ll see him after class so we can go grocery shopping. I have already received my state refund so financially I’m in a better spot than I originally thought I would be.

I need to pick up my meds tomorrow. I would like to go to the gym tomorrow, too. Just a little bit of biking to try to get back to where I was pre-surgery. I think biking would help me figure out some of my emotions; let think through some things.

For now, I’m going to go color and then call it a night. It’s been a day and I’m ok with that.