So I’m almost caught up on writing, and this is where I’m going to be able to write much more in-depth about what has been doing on during my weeks. Why? Because I have pages in my notebook covered in green highlighter marks from all of the stuff I’ve been able to accomplish. Go me. : D

I left off with having a good day at work last Monday and hoping that’s how my days would continue to go as my incision healed more.

Tuesday was a school day. Before I made it to school I did a bunch of chores around the apartment. I went to Walmart to buy a handheld vacuum because sweeping up cat litter on hardwood floors sucks. I went and got gas for the car. I stopped at Starbucks for a breakfast sandwich since I had time to do that. I still made it to school early enough to cross-stitch a bit.

That’s something I’ve been doing recently. I’ve been carrying my projects with me so I have something to do in the odd bits of time that I find myself waiting around. Coloring mandalas is another thing I’ve been doing. I keep my book, color pencils, and sharpener in the same bag as my cross-stitch project and I tote it around with me like a slightly crazy lady. I’m ok with it.

School was good. I got to talk to my instructor about what happened the previous Thursday. That whole being told class was canceled only to be marked absent because class was, in fact, not canceled…

Before class had a chance to start, the woman who had told me to go home came in and explained she had gotten the room wrong. I got her contact information and gave it to my instructor. I was given credit for the day I missed along with all of the handouts I missed from the library. Overall I didn’t miss much. Just the tour. No real class content to worry about. I didn’t withdraw from the class. My instructor was super understanding and laughed with me when I said I had figured the start of the semester would be rough due to the surgery. I hadn’t expected it to be THIS rough. XD

So everything is as it should be in the realm of school.

I made an appointment to get my taxes done. That was scheduled for Wednesday evening.

I called Jon about halfway through the day almost in tears. I told him that nothing was wrong. Honestly. Everything was going well and that’s what bothered me. I hadn’t felt this ok, this productive, this able to do things, in so long that I didn’t know how to feel about feeling the way I felt.

It felt like how I used to be pre-mom-death. Where I could think about going out and running errands and actually do those things and feel good about it and not be exhausted from it. We talked about my wariness over this new “old” feeling.

That evening, Ox and I met a couple at the Hi-Way Diner. The wife had posted about wanting to start a D&D group. Ox replied and chatted with her a bit and so there we were Tuesday evening, meeting to see what could work and if we all even got along well enough to want to play a campaign together.

It was a really nice evening and I’m glad we met with them. The game plan is to start playing next Wednesday afternoon. I’m looking forward to it. Ox and I still need to make our characters but that’s one of the things on tonight’s to-do list. :3

Eventually, the day came to a close. By the end of it I had a page full of completed tasks with a page already made for the next day.

Wednesday morning started on the low side emotionally speaking, but after I got up and started moving around things turned around. I completed my meal prep. I packed clothes for the gym since I had a Wellness Assessment schedule at the YMCA after my counseling session. After some more chores, I headed into town.

We talked pretty extensively about my feelings regarding my new productivity during counseling. We also talked about Mama Ox and my relationship with her for a while. Though I care about Mama Ox deeply, I know I keep her at arm’s length emotionally. I don’t want to be super close to her. I don’t want her to be my confidant. I don’t want her to replace mom and there are certain “mom things” that I’m not ok with her doing or being for me. My counselor thinks it’s good that I have that level of awareness about myself and my emotions.

After counseling, I went to the gym. I most likely pushed way too hard. I did step-ups for three minutes. By the end of the first minute, I was winded. By the end of the second minute, my chest was getting tight around my incision. By the end of three minutes, I realized that intense cardio was most likely a bad idea and that I should have stopped sooner.

I did 25 pushups. Again, most likely not my smartest idea of the day. The last 10 weren’t pretty. And when I mean they weren’t pretty, I mean they were probably the saddest pushups you’ve ever seen ever.

The crunches didn’t bother me as much. Maybe there were endorphins involved at that point. Who knows?

The trainer’s advice was to basically take things slow and low. If I lift weights don’t do anything heavy. If I do cardio, don’t push too much. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but we talked about some things that I could do and how I could slowly eek the intensity up as I felt comfortable with it. The assessment gave me a baseline for my numbers. It also let me know where I was endurance wise which is sad. My endurance is Level: Sad at the moment.

I ended up mailing the cross-stitch I made for Allison’s daughter to her. I donated stuff to Goodwill. I stopped at Walmart again. This time for windshield washer fluid. I made it to my tax appointment. Ox drove us since I don’t like getting into the parking lot. I’m getting close to 2k back this year. That sounds like a lot until you take away the $700 I owe Allison for covering my surgery deposit. I also have to use $250 to renew my CCHT license for work. That will be reimbursed but I still have to pay for it upfront. I also wanted to get the car looked at and tuned up while I have the finances to do it.

So yeah… A lot of my money is already spoken for. That’s Life I guess. I should have known better than to think I could actually pay my car off with my tax return. : /

Thursday. Another school day. The morning started with my morning routine. Breakfast. Meds. Coffee. Random chores. School prep. I stopped at Walmart for conditioner… I’m starting to see a trend in my writing…

School went well. I went to GNC and Office Max after school to kill some time before meeting Ox for lunch. We’ve been going to the Hi-Way Diner a lot. I’m enjoying the food. There’s just something about their Steak Philly omelet that warms a part of my soul.

We ended up going home after after eating. More chores. Cross-stitching, then sleep for work the next day.

Friday. A workday. The morning started off well. I paid bills when I went on my morning break. I worked with my FA that day so it was a pretty smooth day. I completed all of my assigned computer training. That was the big “work” accomplishment for the day.

After work I went to Walmart…. again… but this time it was for my rent check and that was it. I couldn’t get that until I got paid so yeah… that’s my defense and I’m sticking to it. I don’t need Walmart intervention. YOU need Walmart intervention. >.>

After making sure I could pay rent and not get evicted, I came back to the apartment. Ox had the kids but he came over for a little bit. He helped me clip Saber’s nails and replaced one of the light bulbs in the kitchen for me. Yay for having life hostages who do things for you.

I read the second chapter for my Sociology class. I finished coloring a mandala page I had started a few days back. It was fun. I enjoyed spending the time working on it and I like how it came out for the most part. I would do things a little differently if I could, but since I can’t, I’m ok with it. I’ll make better choices on the ones I do in the future.

It was weird having energy after working all day. I got a lot done after work, including going out into public and interacting with people. That was pretty unheard of pre-surgery.

Saturday was another good day. Work went well. I got to cannulate a new fistula and it was perfect. So good. And yes I know that sounds weird, but when you’re in the dialysis field or any sort of profession where you have to put a needle in someone’s vein you can’t help but swoon a little when you get an amazing stick. It totally made my day to have such a clean and perfect stick on a new fistula that is maturing exactly as it should be. Sooooo good.

After work, I came home and did more chores. I took my chapter 2 test and got a 100 on it. I figured out what classes at the gym I could make before school and counseling. I meal planned for the coming week and made a grocery list. I replied to messages. I cross-stitched. All sorts of stuff got done with the knowledge that Sunday was a day off. Not only a day off but also forecast to be 60 degrees and sunny.

Sunday. Omg. All of the green marks on my page. Morning routine. Check. Breakfast at the house with the family. Check. Run errands. Check. Write and post. Check. Work on school stuff. Cross-stitch. Meal prep. Finish coloring a section on my new mandala. Call in a refill for my Zoloft. Go to the gym and workout. Color a little with Lil’ Ox. Have dinner with the family.

All checks.

I even tried a new recipe from the cookbook my older brother and sister-in-law got me for Christmas. Keto Ninja Foodi Cookbook. It has a lot of interesting ideas. I made a creamy chicken pasta with it. I think it turned out well even though I didn’t have enough heavy cream for it and used too much chicken broth. I’m going to try making it again, correctly this time, and see if it turns out even better.

So yeah… Sunday was pretty amazing. I got so much done. I enjoyed the sunlight so much. I wore shorts and flip-flops. I biked for 20 minutes while I was at the gym. I didn’t break any speed records and the highest gear I made it to was 5. I normally start at 10. So much sad still, but hey, I did it. I went there. I did something. Fuck yeah. Take that, Cancer. Fuck you, you fucking son of a bitch. I’m a badass.

And so with that, I’m caught up to today. I’ll save that for another writing, though.

I’ve been so much more productive this past week. I’ve felt better. More me. More with it. More like the me I kept looking for but was never able to find. I don’t know where this change is stemming from.

Is it because I no longer have a lump of cancer in my throat? Is it the Zoloft? Is it the high-ish dosage of Synthroid I’m on? Is it the week off of work that I had? Is it all the self-care stuff I’ve been doing?

I know it’s not a change in my perspective. I haven’t had a revelation. No puzzle piece has clicked into place. So all of these feelings and energy and productivity are coming from something else. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I could say it’s me, but I feel like if it’s from the medication then it’s not truly me. It’s like I’m faking it; cheating it.

On the flip side, it’s really nice to not be tired and sad all the time. It’s nice to not feel like crying at the thought of having to go out to the store; to not be overwhelmed by it because it’s such an impossibly large task.

I’m still cautious of this feeling, but I’m allowing myself to ride the tide of ok-ness for as long as it lasts. I want my days to continue to be full of green marks from all the things I was able to do. I like these feelings. I like feeling like me.