Month: July 2015

Daily Post 0152: New Direction

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Ok. So Friday sucked. Mostly because the first thing that happened when I got home Thursday evening is Zane and I talked about finances. He hasn’t been able to land a new job yet, and he still hasn’t been called in to work at the lounge. They haven’t outright fired him, which I think is pretty lame, but they’re not giving him hours either.

So… Even though I said I wouldn’t do it, I’m paying his share of rent. He said that Trevor was fine with me not paying my share as long as the storage unit was covered. Which would be fine except that not only do I have to cover roughly $400 (two hundred more than my own rent, so it’s already doubled), but I have to cover the unit completely on my own as well. Another $140.

My rent is over double what I had had agreed to when I moved in. I can’t pay down my credit card the way I want. I can’t look into getting a personal trainer. I can’t in good conscious start getting my tattoos…

Pardon me while I go hate life because things aren’t going the way I want them to, how I was told they would go. This wasn’t what I signed up for. I don’t think it’s fair. And yes. I’m going to spend the night and following day being angry about it because it feels like this always, ALWAYS, happens.

So that was Friday.

My break down at the bank was due to having to withdrawal $20 for the laundry card. Another expense that I am having to cover on my own. Another responsibility on top of all of the others. Another weight. More money that I, solely, am bleeding out and not being able to put towards the things that I want.

I know on a logical level that this situation is different from the ones I have been in before. Zane is actively looking for a new job. He helps with chores around the house. We have open communication. He understands and empathizes where I’m coming from and doesn’t fault me for my emotions.

There’s all these things that make it different.

On an emotional level I don’t feel a difference. It feels the same way it has in my past relationships. And that’s not a good feeling. I’m left wondering why it’s so hard for people to take care of themselves. Why is it that I seem to magically be able to hold a job that not only supports me, but them as well? Why can’t it be equal and fair? Why does that seem like so much to ask for?

Why does it seem to be a trade off? I can either have my paycheck be my own, and be completely miserable because I’m alone, or I can have a significant other where it feels like all of my goals and financial priorities get screwed.

We talked about all of that when I got home Friday. It wasn’t a fun conversation, but I felt better for it afterwards, and Zane was fantastic and made comfort food for dinner and let me play my game uninterrupted. It was pretty much me ignoring the world and slowly aligning myself with reality.

Left Brain: Ok, Jen. You’re in this situation, again. Accept it and move forward.

Right Brain: Ok… Let me slaughter this monster first. And then kill that group of bandits. And this pack of rabid dogs… And anything else that moves…

Who said video games aren’t therapeutic?

Saturday I had work. I was recovering from Friday’s emotional discord, which, I’m getting sort of tired of having discord. Because I was recovering I didn’t want to be around people, so I really didn’t want to be at school. I survived, though. It wasn’t a bad day, just a lame day.

Zane made his sriracha chicken for dinner and I made veggies to go with it. Yay kitchen bonding time. Other than that the day was uneventful.

Oh. I went running. Pretty decent, but nothing amazing. No record setting or anything. Just a normal run, which is always better than no run.

Sunday was another low day. I cross-stitched, did laundry, did dishes, in the evening Zane and I meal planned so I have my grocery list for today.

We went to Del Taco for lunch since I had said I wanted us to do something together. We came home and started watching a new anime. I can’t remember the name of it, but we’re only two episodes in and I’m really liking it. It’s supposed to be on the same level as Attack on Titan as for as the feelz go.

Last night sort of sucked. Zane wasn’t able to sleep, so he was up messing around on his laptop for a while, which kept me awake until about 3:30 at which point I went out to the living room and slept on the couch. I came back into the room around 7am and slept until 10ish.

I had wanted to wake up at 8am to go to the gym, but that wasn’t happening with how little sleep I got. Arg. I haven’t figured out how to restructure my day to get the gym in. I was going to go to a spin class, so I could go to the class at 5:30 instead. I haven’t decided yet, but I will shortly.

On a totally unrelated note, something that I have decided to do as of yesterday morning is join the Army. I spent most of yesterday researching.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about it on this blog before. I know I have in the past. I know this is the third time where I’ve kicked the idea around. Before it was more, “I’ll lose the weight and see if I still want to join.”

Now it’s a solid goal. I’m going to join.

I don’t think this has anything to do with Zane, though on a subconscious level it may be. Maybe this is my giving Florida and my job a giant middle finger because I’m tired of feeling trapped here.

I made a list in my head and this is what I came up with:

Help with student loans
Free travel
Lines up with health goals
Help with remaining degrees (psychology / sociology)
Gain additional trade skills
Join as an officer due to degrees
Pads resume

It really has nothing to do with pride for my country, which I know diminishes my actions in some people’s eyes. My reasons not virtuous and selfless. They’re not noble.

No. They’re not noble. They’re realistic. I want to get to certain places in my life, the military can help me get there. I understand how the military works since I was raised in a military family, and I know I do well in structured environments. It would be a mutually beneficial relationship, which would only last a handful of years. I’m not expecting to stay there for the rest of my life.

I wouldn’t be able to get my tattoos for a while longer, but I haven’t started them yet. It’s not like with how things are going right now that I would be able to get them in the while anyway, and maybe that’s just me being jaded.

Either way, I’ve gone 15 years without them. I think I could survive another 4 to 6.

I’m tired of not having something that I’m moving towards. I’m tired of waiting for things to change. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing. Nothing except complaining.

This gives me a direction. This gives me phases to work on. I’ve already started solidifying the road I will be traveling down to get to my goal. All it is now is time and dedication.

I’ve meal planed for the week, though I haven’t gone shopping yet, which sort of sucks. It means I’m a little behind on where I want to be on a Monday morning, but I’ve had a good breakfast, the kitchen is cleaned and the dishes put away. I got to spend an hour or so talking to my younger brother. So far it has been a decent day.

There are still areas that I need to address, but this is that path I am going to be going down because it’s the path I want. It’s a stepping stone that I think will make me better. And it’s a direction that I go do on my own, instead of waiting for other people to fix my problems for me.

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Prompt Page 0057: Finite Ceatures

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“At what age did you realize you were not immortal?
How did you react to that discovery?”

I guess I have always known. There was never a great epiphany about being mortal and having to align myself with the thought of death.

I can remember one time my family took a trip up to Maryland to visit my great grandmother. I suppose she wasn’t doing too well. I was extremely young, five, maybe six, so the details aren’t all that clear.

I can remember visiting her in the hospital. I remember all of the adults around the bed chatting. Making small talk that didn’t matter, and even then I can remember how I thought it was trivial. They weren’t saying what they were really feeling. Everyone was faking, hiding, and even then I could see it. In the tightness around their eyes, how the smiles didn’t reach their eyes at all.

I suppose the reason this visit sticks out to me so clearly is because that was the only time I can remember my great grandmother. I have no other memory of this person other than seeing her in the hospital bed. I have not emotional connection to her. It is purely biological. It was like visiting a stranger for me. I remember being bored.

I remember her trying to eat pudding by sipping on the end of a spoon as if it were a straw and not understanding why she was doing that. That’s not how spoons worked. I remember watching her and observing how she didn’t seem to be fully there. I think that’s when I realized deterioration was part of life.

Five-year-old-brain: This happens. It is natural. Information absorbed and cataloged away for later use. K. Are there coloring books? Can I go outside? What’s for lunch?

A few weeks later my mom sat my brother and I down in the living room and explained that my great grandmother had died. I remember not really feeling much of anything. I knew she was gone. I remember still thinking of her as a stranger, and that even though I ‘should’ feel something deep, I didn’t. I remember thinking maybe it was for the best, a picture of her sipping at the spoon in my mind. All things must end. Deterioration is natural. Her death was inevitable. Why should there be sadness?

As for my own mortality, as I said, I guess I’ve always known or felt it.

There is a part of me who has always believed that I will die at a fairly young age. At least young for today’s standards. I don’t have a number. It’s not like I can see the future. I don’t know how, why, or when.

It’s just a feeling, like so many other things have been in my life. I don’t have a reason for feeling this way. It’s just something that I have always felt. Something that has always been there, like having brown hair, or blue eyes. It’s has always been a part of me, this feeling.

I don’t think I will out live my mom. And while most people will read that and think I’m weird, depressed, morbid, mentally messed up in some way, whaterver, I accept it and move on with my day, giving it no more thought than breathing, unless, that is, there happens to be a prompt that I feel inclined to write about.

For me death is part of the cycle, and I want to experience all of it. Even the end. I try to live life fully every day. I try to make the choices that I want, rather than what I feel will make other people happy. It’s my life. It could end at any moment. I want to be happy in the end. At least as happy as I can make myself.

That’s why my job bothers me at the moment. I spend hours agitated and trapped feeling. Hours that I can’t get back. I don’t like that. That doesn’t line up with my priorities. That’s why I’m trying to fix it.

I’m going to die. Everyone, eventually, will die. That’s a fact. Cold, detached logic. Why waste energy feeling bad or sad over something that cannot change?

Instead I choose to invest that energy into living. Experiencing. Tasting. Touching, Smelling. Doing. Being. Feeling. Influencing my sphere to make the world a better place one small ripple at a time.

Eventually the Earth will be swallowed by the sun and everything we are will be reduced back to the nothingness we originated from. We don’t worry about that though. It’s so far in the future it doesn’t matter.

I hardly know what I will be doing, where I will be going, in the next hour, much less in however many years when I die. It is an unknown, yes, but so is tomorrow. So is a million years from now.

We don’t fear Monday morning. We don’t fear waking up to a new day.

Death, for me, is just another part of a journey. A new day. A new chapter. A new adventure which will be whatever it will be. Worrying about it, fearing it, will not change it or make it not happen. Fear of the future will only detract from my now. And even though my now is a little rough, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I will live life. I will be true to myself. And when I die, whenever that happens to be, I will be happy. That’s enough for me.

Daily Post 0151: Yesterday Sucked

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Yesterday was really hard. To the point that I text Zane shortly before coming home asking if I could have a hug when I got there. And that was after having a minor break down in my car at the bank… ok… a not so minor break down, but we’ll gloss over that part because I’m not weak and I can handle everything and keep my shit together even though it feels like I can’t.

Screw you, Emotions. Get back into the bottle where you belong.

Of course Zane gave me a hug when I got home and asked if everything was alright, which made me feel all safe and cared for so I totally broke down (again…) and cried on his shoulder while I let go of all of the stress and overwhelming pressure of feeling like I had no control because Life isn’t going according to the plan that I laid out for it.

How dare it not follow my master plan for world domination!?!?!

So really, yesterday didn’t suck all that bad. It was my perspective of it. And after a really long talk full of cuddling I felt better, cleaner. And incredibly ready to ignore the world for a while.

So this was my remedy for having a rough day.

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Home made bread for grilled cheese sandwiches, home made cheesy fries, banana chips, some doritos… I even broke down and got Jamaican kola which I haven’t had in like… three years. And of course 16 hours of monster slaying because everything is better with death and destruction.

No regrets. Not a single letter.

I’ll write more later. Just wanted to share that yesterday was hard, I make it through it, and my night did end up getting better.

Daily Post 0150: My Sparrow

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It’s the end of the day and I’m still a little wired. I’m still at work. I’m still thinking about my project because I want to keep working on it.

But it’s getting late. I’m supposed to be at home. I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to sleep so I can wake up again.

I’m supposed to be doing stuff. More stuff. Other stuff. My mind is on a roll and my body wants to follow. Maybe taking an extra day away from the gym was bad. Maybe I should have gone running so I would be tired now.

I’ve already cleaned out my notebook, which is normally a Friday task. I never got around to it last week so there were tons of papers and to-do lists. There was all of the pre production pages from my school assignments, too. All of this extra information, extra stuff, just sitting there, cluttering up my notebook.

No longer. Those pages are gone.

I went through and figured out what things I wasn’t able to get to this week. Surprisingly not a lot is being transferred. I’ve been staying on top of things really well despite all of the abnormal things I’ve had to get taken care of. Eye exams, doctor’s visits, and blood work mainly.

And even while all of this is going on inside of my head I’m being introspective.

I got a notification on WordPress the other day saying that it was my one-year mark. It’s not one year for this blog. That started around September, but I had an old blog. The one I created for RB so he could read my daily writings. That was the start of blogging for me.

It’s a sobering fact to realize that it has been one year since I have known him.

It makes me remember some of the posts I made during that time. How I don’t have them anymore. I remember the one I wrote for Fly by Ludovico Einaudi. I had been listening to the song on repeat for I don’t remember how long, and I ended up writing about what the song triggered for me. It had brought to mind a bird flying, soring and being free only to be caught in a storm and ultimately die. I had written how I felt like the bird, that I was falling and struggling. I wrote how I wanted to hold the sparrow while it died so it wouldn’t have to die alone.

I wish I had that post. Out of all of the months worth of writing I’m not sure why I miss that one the most. Why something so sad is the memento that I want for that time period.

I suppose it fits with my overall character. I like morbid things, the ones that make you cringe and pull back because it touches something personal and deep inside that makes you uncomfortable. It makes you aware of something within yourself that is normally ignored or looked over, but this thing, this trigger, forces you to acknowledge that not everything is happy, warm, and fuzzy.

I guess, as messed up as it might be, the bad things, the icky things, seem more real to me. It’s easy to fake happiness, to smile and pretend. I can easily type that today was great and no one would know the difference. I can smile as I walk down the hall even though I might be shattering on the inside.

But when it is something negative, it’s real. It’s deep. It’s personal and not a facade.

And I guess that’s why I want my sparrow post the most out of all the others. It was another post that was a real glimpse into me. It wasn’t a post about being productive, or what I had for lunch, or what silly thing I got my self into.

It was me bleeding onto my keyboard. Pure, raw, unadulterated emotion.

I still listen to that song sometimes. It’s a good song. And I still can see the sparrow flying, graceful, carefree. And I can still feel its struggle as the rain begins to fall.

I’m not really sure where my brain is going with this. I can’t get that writing back. I can’t get any of it back, and I accepted that when I deleted the old blog.

It makes me wonder if I should do anything to celebrate. I don’t think so. I don’t know what I would do to be honest. I have a hard enough time celebrating my own birthday, let alone the birth of something wholly intangible. I wonder if that makes me cold and heartless. If I love my blog so much shouldn’t I do something?

I guess part of me would think of it too much as celebrating an anniversary that doesn’t exist. I don’t want to celebrate the start of either blog, the old or new. I don’t want to celebrate the act of blogging itself. I really would have been ok to not having received that notification.

I still think about how I couldn’t meet him. I still haven’t made peace with that yet, and maybe that’s another reason I want my post and why I have that song playing right now.

There is another song I have been listening to today. The Winter by Balmorthea. I guess today is a day for instrumental. I don’t know why this one speaks to me yet, but it does. It’s touching something in my heart chakra.

Today has actually been a pretty low-key day. There’s not much to report. I cooked the lentil dinner, which turned out pretty decently. I will make a few changes the next time I make it, but it was good enough to know that I will make it again.

I went to school and was able to send the email to Clavan finally.

I replied to several posts on my class discussion board. I did my initial research into my project concepts and then stayed at work to block out the design. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made today. I went from zero to over halfway done in one day. I think that’s the best I’ve done in a while, especially on a bigger project.

I can tell I’m getting more confidence in myself and my ability to come up with and execute designs. I don’t fear the blank canvas as much. It’s not a barrier, a wall reflecting doubt and insecurity back at me.

I really don’t know where I am right now. it’s a weird mental state. I’m not really detached or disconnected. I feel very connected with myself, but it’s internal. Sort of like I’m inside my shell.

I know the world is out there, but I feel, a lot, on the inside right now, and it’s sort of distracting. It’s calling all of my attention and so the outside world seems fuzzy and distant. It’s unimportant because there is this other sensation that requires my focus.

I don’t know what it is. It’s a lot of things, all mixed together. There’s a bit of sadness, a sense of loss. Remorse. Acceptance. Acknowledgement actually might be a better word.

I am aware of something within myself even if I haven’t been able to identify it yet. There is something that needs attention. Healing, I think. Otherwise I don’t think the notification would have bothered me. I don’t think I would want my post so much if there wasn’t something that would be soothed by having it.

I don’t want to think that the start of something was also the mark of the end, which I think is what I think about my old blog. I deleted it because that was the end for me. I don’t want to celebrate that. It hurts still. It wasn’t a happy thing. I don’t want a trophy icon to mark something that I think is solemn.

I want a moment of silence. A bowed head because that short time of my life meant a lot to me.

If I could print out that post I would, and I would hold the papers to my chest and most likely get teary eyed, but that’s what I feel like doing right now. I want to hold that moment of my life, that poor little sparrow and comfort it while it passes on, like the one in the song. I want it to feel loved and cared for in its last moments. To let it know that even though it fell that it was magnificent for the time that it flew. That it’s flight was worth it. That the pain was wroth it and there is nothing to regret.

I guess this is what I get for being all right brained right now. Nothing but emotion and artistic creativity. Exaggeration and color and dancing through my mind as the music plays over and over, moving me around, spinning, twirling until I’m lost within myself. Immersed in the feelings and memories. The good, the bad, like so much water against my skin.

Drowning. Sinking.

That’s what it reminds me of.

The Winter reminds me of drowning. The quiet stillness that comes at the end as the water holds you, cradles you, as you let go and slip beneath the surface. Maybe that is what I am acknowledging. That I need to let go and let it slip away. Maybe that is why I want the post. So I could have something physical to represent the action.

Maybe I should do something as acknowledgement, not celebrating but accepting.

I will meditate on this.

Dragon’s Horde 0034: Courier New

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Jennifer_Conley-Flyer

Typography and Page Layout
Font Flyer

This was the exercise assignment for week two of Typography and Page Layout. The goal was to research any font we wanted and then display the information we found in an appealing way with minimal graphics.

Courier New is typically the typeface used for the Windows OS ‘Blue Screen of Death’ which is where the inspiration for the display came from.

Created with InDesign.

Daily Post 0149: Surviving Lab Work

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Yesterday. All of the things…

It didn’t start off fun. Waking up hungry, being denied coffee and food, driving through rush hour traffic to something I didn’t want to be awake for. Blarg… Stabbing my eyes out sounded like more fun at the time.

Luckily I knew where I was going thanks to my reconnaissance on Monday. Made it to the office early with the hope that I could get seen right away. I was surprised at how many people were already there. I guess they had the same idea as me.

I used the time I was in the waiting room to read the blogs that had already been posted that morning and to create my to-do list. When I was called back for my tests I was shown to a room with a creepy looking chair. Release the adrenaline, commence freak out!

I mentioned that I would most likely pass out during the procedure. My tech asked if I would prefer to be in a bed. Yes. A million times yes. Anything other than this weird chair where it feels like restraints are going to magically appear to hold me down while you drain the last drop of blood from my veins. Totally not over reacting… Have you not seen a horror movie? That’s totally a realistic possibility for this situation.

So I was switched to a different room. And things got under way.

I’m so proud that I didn’t actually pass out. This is only the third time in my life where I have been able to keep it together. By the time I started feeling the squeamish feeling she was already taking the needle out. Huzzah! I was done, my arm felt like it had gotten hit with a crow bar, and I was free to go get food.

I called my mom just to chat and let her know how things went, but she didn’t answer the phone. I text letting her know I was free for most of the day if she got in the mood to talk and went to Perkins where I had an amazing breakfast.

I got the ‘big country’, at least I think that’s what it’s called. It’s basically breakfast potatoes with ham, bacon, egg, and cheese. So tasty, and I didn’t have to wait very long, or cook it myself, or do dishes afterwards. All around a win in my book. I also got a side of pancakes, too, which isn’t something I normally do.

Perkins is doing a summer promotion for Lemon Maringa. I never thought of lemon margina and blueberry pancakes, but they were amazing. I wasn’t able to eat everything, not much of a surprise there, so I took the left overs home for Zane.

My mom called me before my food was served, which worked out really well. I was able to talk with someone and not be the ‘poor lonely person sitting by themselves in a restaurant.’

I came back home but instead of being all productive and stuff I went back to sleep for a bit. My arm was already bruising, I was tired from the experience, and I didn’t really have a whole lot of time before work to do much of anything anyway. It was one of those weird gaps where I had just enough time to start something, possibly even get into a really good workflow, but not really finish whatever I would be working on… much lame.

I think the nap was needed. I felt better once I woke up and had lunch. Zane was up and about. He actually woke me up since I didn’t set an alarm when I came back home. He wanted to get started on dinner since it was going to need to set first then bake.

I went into work for Shading and Lighting. I sent out all the grades for the projects. Which I guess I should mention that I finished grading those when I got home. I tried emailing Clavan the excel sheet but the server has been acting screwy since the beginning of the month and I wasn’t actually able to sent out messages yesterday. It was pretty frustrating and eventually I just gave up. I’m going to try again today when I go into work at 5.

I got caught up on personal emails, social media, and checked the discussion boards for my class. I wrote for the daily prompt yesterday. I sent the link to my mom so she could read it, too. I actually woke up this morning to an amazing email from her. I’m thinking about posting the reply into the comment for the initial post.

Once all of my ‘online’ tasks were done I got to work on my new assignment. The exercise is pretty nifty.  You choose a font and then research into it; who made it, what is it based on, what are some nifty facts about it. That sort of thing. The idea is to get you thinking about what different emotions and thoughts typefaces bring up. Type has a certain ‘feel’ or personality, and if you use the wrong one it can mess up the message you are trying to send.

I picked Courier New since it’s a font that I actually really like. I’m going to be posting my assignment to my Dragon’s Horde shortly so I won’t talk too much about it, other than to say that I think it came out well. : )

I came home after work. Zane and I chatted for a bit. I got frustrated with InDesign because it wasn’t exporting my file right. Finally got that figured out. Zane and I ran to the store for red wine and a side salad to go with dinner. The wine was used in a sauce. I’m not into drinking wine or champaign to be honest. Guess I’m just not classy enough for it.

Dinner was alright. I think it was called Gotcha Pork Roast. It’s mainly a potato dish. I had leftovers of it for breakfast this morning, and was fine with it. But for a dinner I felt it was missing something. I also wish the sauce has a bit more bite to it; a little more kick. Overall it wasn’t bad though.

Zane and Trevor had a friend over last night. I stayed in the room and went to sleep while they played games. Zane woke me up when he came to bed, which lead to both of us being awake and watching a few Youtube videos.

They were pretty awesome actually.

Boyinaband – Don’t Stay In School

I highly recommend checking out that video, and then his response to the ‘hate comments’ he received. Well worth the watch.

I haven’t really planned what to do today. Zane started the wash, but when I went to switch it everything was still covered in soap. Not cool. : /

It’s the second time that specific washer has given me issues. I switched the cloths into a different machine and ran it again. I need to go put everything in the dryer soon. I’ve also cooked rice for lunch, since I plan to have left over green curry, and dinner. We’re doing a red lentil curry which is supposed to be served over a bed of rice. I’m hoping it turns out well. It’s a new recipe.

I’ve also put the dishes away from the dish rack, though the dish washer still needs to be emptied. I haven’t had a cup of coffee yet. It wouldn’t have gone well with breakfast, so I might indulge in that shortly.

At the moment I really don’t feel like adulting today and I don’t think that’s going to change. : /

Maybe caffeine will fix things.

Prompt Page 0056: Dear Mom

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“Write a letter to your mom.
Tell her something you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t been able to. “

Hey mom,

I know we talk all the time, and I know that I’ve had a lot of amazing conversations with you. I know that I dedicated part of my graduation speech to you, and I know that there have been many times where I’ve taken the moment to thank you, for everything.

I feel, legitimately, that if I were to suddenly fall over and die that you would be one of the few people in my life who I would feel I have said everything to.

You know I love you. You know I admire you. You know you’re my best friend, my confidant. I have written my feelings down in Facebook posts on Mother’s day year after year. Every major accomplishment in my life I attribute to your love and support.

That being said, I realized with this prompt that I have never written for you specifically on my blog. That may seem silly to some people. Wouldn’t the words in person, or spoken in front of hundreds of people be more special, more meaningful?

In a way, yes. But this blog is part of me. And you are such a huge part of who I am. You played the biggest role in my life, in shaping me into who I am, and yet I have never taken the time to write to you, to dedicate a page to you, in something that is so important in my life.

It’s so silly and yet I am left feeling awful because I have not done this sooner. Because I didn’t think to do it on my own.

No longer. This is your page, mom. This is a small fraction of everything I am thankful for. This is the barest glimpse of why you are so awesome to me. Why you really are a super hero in my eyes, and why I am the most fortunate person to have you as my parent.

First off, you put up with me and my craziness. All of the relationships I get myself warped up in… you patiently stand by and let me make my own choices, and looking back on it I can only imagine how hard it was for you to let me grow up and learn the hard way. Thank you for letting me experience those lessons. Because of them I was able to find myself. Because of them I know how to stand on my own, and what I am looking for in a partner, and what I expect from myself.

Along the same lines of putting up with me… Remember the time we were at Red Lobster, and I made the lobster dance around on my plate… and then the arm fell off in the middle of the dance and we couldn’t stop laughing? Or when we would go shopping together and I would teasingly walk on the back of your shoes until you turned around and glared at me with one of those “I love you so much I’m going to kill you,” sort of looks? Or when you would say you understood why some animals eat their young? Or how about when I stand behind you when you’re at the computer and start playing with your hair saying, “This gray hair in mine, and this gray hair in mine…”.

You make me smile, and you let me be playful. You give the best hugs ever. Ever ever. Like, in the rest of forever ever. No one can give a mom hug like you.

You know with one word over the phone, hundreds of miles away if something is wrong or not. It’s sometimes sort of annoying and yet amazingly comforting at the same time. It’s like a sixth sense or something. The ‘mom’ sense. I don’t think I could ever hide anything from you. The only way to do it is to not call, and then you know something’s up because I’m avoiding you. There’s just no way to win. XD

You stayed at home and took care of John and I when we lived with dad. We were always doing something. You would read to us, take us to the pool. Girl scouts, boy scouts, baking cookies, cooking dinner. Teaching me to cross stitch, learning sign language. Letting me practice the drums, taking me to marching band practice at 8am on Saturday mornings. Sitting through ALL of my marching band competitions. Supporting me when I wanted to go to Full Sail University even though it was all artys and stuff.

You carried on after dad left, and I won’t even pretend that I know how hard that was. I’m sorry I was so young and that I couldn’t have been more of a friend and support through such a hard time for you. Thank you so much for not giving up. For holding shit together when I’m sure the only thing you wanted to do was break down and give up.

And maybe this part isn’t fair to dad, but thank you for loving me enough to stay. Thank you for being there, for staying there, and for letting me know that no matter what that you cared. That you would always care, and that I was actually important.

Thank you for paying part of my student loans. I haven’t forgotten that I owe you that money, and I promise I’m on the road to being able to pay you back. Thank you for not telling me that I should get a ‘real job’ like so many other people have. I know you’re not thrilled that I’m still at the school, and I know with how much I’ve been complaining about it recently that it must be hard to not tell me to move on, but it means a lot that you haven’t and I appreciate it.

Thank you for sending me cards in the mail as little reminders that you still think of me. Thank you for the phone calls and voice mails when I’m unable to answer. Thank you for forcing me to stay in touch with you instead of drowning myself in work. Thank you for reminding me about what’s important in life.

Thank you for being you and showing me that you’re never too old to change your mind, to learn something new. You went back to school and set yourself on a totally different career path, and even though you think you’re not the most amazing RN in the world, in my mind you’re perfect. You did what you wanted to do, and that’s amazing. That’s an inspiration to me.

I don’t have to have all the answers right now, even though that’s what society makes it seem like. I can figure it out as I go. I can go down a path and then decide that I want something different. I’m allowed to be dynamic rather than static. I’m allowed to change, and you’re the one who showed me that.

You taught me that I’m allowed to feel. You taught me that my emotions are just as valid as everyone else’s. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand that. I’m sure I could have avoided a lot of un-fun situations if I had listened better.

Thank you for listening when I need to ramble through the confusion I feel sometimes.

Thank you for being human, and for showing me that even with flaws someone can be perfect.

You are amazing, and perfect, and the best person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I am honored to be your daughter. And I wish those words didn’t feel so hallow. They pale in comparison to the emotions I wish I could convey in this writing.

I love you more than I will ever be able to express because of everything you have done and continue to do for me. I love you because of your unconditional acceptance of who I am. Thank you so much, for everything I listed and the millions of things that I didn’t. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. And thank you, thank you, for being my mom.

I love you uber amounts of much. Forever and always.

Jen

Daily Post 0148: Awesome Run and Magic Cards

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Another good day.

It started as always with coffee and breakfast. I took time to write my blog from last night and to actually enjoy the fact that I got through a ton of stuff yesterday. I looked at the daily prompts but was left uninspired.

I went about mapping out my day, and before long was dressed and about to head out the door. As I was leaving I actually got a call from my mom. Total score. I had been meaning to chat with her.

I talked with her all through my adventure to the storage unit, which was uneventful and successful. Huzzah.

I drove to the pet store for cat food, which is where most of our conversation happened. Since I would need to interact with a sales associate I stayed in the car talking with mom until we were both talked out. It was awesome and I’m glad we both had the time to talk.

After hanging up with her I bought a $40 bag of cat food… I’ve never spent that much on cat food at one time. I always get the little five pound bag of Meow Mix. I’m sure it’s not the best food for Scarlet. It’s certainly not the all natural, super amazing cat food that Zane and John feed their cats.

I’m not really complaining about switching Scarlet over to something healthier. I think it’s actually a good thing. And it’s fair that it is my turn to buy the food since Zane bought it the first month, and John got it last month. It’s just a lot, and another thing I need to realign myself with.

I stopped at the gas station on the way home to pick up Gatorade since I was planning on running later in the day. They have a deal that’s 2 for $3. I like the new lemonade flavor they have out at the moment. I hope it’s not a limited time thing where they get you hooked on it and then take it away for the rest of forever… That would suck.

Zane was awake when I got home. We ended up finishing off Jurassic World.

I love that movie. No joke. Two hours of my life for two seconds of a velociraptor riding a t-rex. Best two seconds ever. My life is now complete and I can die fulfilled.

In all seriousness though, despite the plot holes I really enjoyed the movie. It brought back a lot of childhood nostalgia for me. Jurassic Park was the first ‘scary’ movie I was allowed to watch. I can still remember how there was a giant glare on the tv screen due to the sun coming through my grandmother’s living room windows, and how the carpet was itchy, but I wanted to be close to the tv so I could see what the dinosaurs were doing.

At 3 I went to the gym where I had a fantastic run. I had thought with my legs, specifically my hip flexors, being sore that my run was going to suck. But nope. It was amazing. Ran about a 16 minute mile.

I had just enough time after stretching to come home, shower, pack dinner, then head to school.

The first lab was busy with questions, but I was able to eek out enough quiet time to pick a font for my next assignment and to research into it. More on that later. Big thing is that I was able to progress in the school side of things.

The second lab is been pretty chill. I was able to get through half of my grading. I only have 5 more projects to go, but I need to take a break from it for a bit before finishing it off. I can only handle looking at the same thing for so long. It does’t help that the handful of projects that I’ve been grading actually haven’t been all that awesome. As a whole the class is doing well. I guess I just got the bad draw on this batch of grading.

I also had a chance to make a new post on Behance for my Attis assignment. Shameless self-promotion. Like a bawce.

Really that’s about it.

Luis and Nicole are in the lobby with Magic the Gathering cards so I’m going to be playing a match with them before leaving work.

I’m not allowed to eat or drink anything other than water for the blood work tomorrow. I’m trying super hard not to think about that because it will just make me more nervous and anxious.

I’m debating on finishing off the grading or going to sleep when I get home. I guess it really depends on how awake I am. I might save it for the SAL lab tomorrow. I’ll be able to get through 5 projects in roughly an hour; less if they’re super good, or super bad. It’s the halfway ones that take the longest time to grade.

So, yeah. Good day today. Not looking forward to tomorrow. I’m off to go rain death and destruction down with my red deck. >:3

Daily Post 0147: Doctor’s Visit Down, Lab Work Ahoy

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I blew through almost two to-do lists yesterday. I can’t say completely because writing my blog was on the list and that didn’t happen. Neither did posting an image of my final project. But those were the only things that didn’t get done. So don’t mind me while I sit over here feeling like a bawce as I drink my coffee.

I was too tired last night to bask in my victory, so I’m going to do it now.

Yesterday morning started off with the doctor’s visit. I had to get there early to go through all of the new patient stuff. The lady I had was extremely nice. We set up an account with the Florida Hospital so I can get email notifications and set up appointments easier. I also got a ‘goodie’ bag with a bunch of information pamphlets. And free mini hand sanitizer bottle! Sorry while I geek out over that and think that it’s super cute.

I didn’t have to wait very long. Most likely because I was one of the first patients there. I was taken back, had my vitals taken. Yep… not dead. Good to know. After that I was shown to the room where the doctor would see me.

I was super nervous at first because I had asked specifically for a female doctor, and in walks this dude… not cool, bro. But it ended up being pretty interesting.

He said that he was an undergrad and that as part of his training he was going to run through some questions with me that normally my doctor would ask me. I was ok with that, and it actually turned into a pretty nifty conversation. I asked him what had inspired him to go into the medical field and mentioned how my mom is an RN and how John wants to get into the the field as well.

I answered all of the questions and mentioned a few things I had concerns with. He was super supportive on the fact that I’ve lost 40 pounds on my own through diet change and exercise. Take that Mr. Personal Trainer.

I promise I’m not bitter over that still….

I mentioned how there was concern a while ago that I was pre-diabetic due to blood work that was taken. My insulin had been 4 times higher than what it should have been. There was also concern that I was / am polycystic because my testosterone levels were twice as high as normal. But with being on a contraceptive it’s hard to gauge something like that on hormone levels alone. Without tests all of it was just speculation. And all of it could be changed if I became healthier.

So that was the option I took. I would leave everything alone as far as tests went and focus on treating my body better and see where that got me.

I think overall I’m doing well.

I mentioned that I was interested in getting blood work done because there’s a lot of tests that I don’t have information for. I don’t have a baseline. So currently I’m signed up for six tests that will be done tomorrow. Some of them are fasting, so I won’t be allowed to eat anything or drink anything other than water once it hits 9pm tonight. At least the tests are schedule for 9am, so it will be over quickly and for the most part I shouldn’t be too grouchy, or at least not for very long. I know the morning is going to be rough without my coffee, but I was thinking about doing a treat somehow afterwards.

Most likely I will end up passing out. I don’t do blood well. And actually that’s not very true. Zane and I were talking about this last night in the kitchen with Trevor.

I don’t do wounds well. I don’t like blood because it’s supposed to be on the inside. Cuts, even small paper cuts, bother me because the skin isn’t supposed to be like that. And I can imagine what the sensation feels like on my own body. In my head it’s happening to me, and that bothers me, and the more it bothers me the more it becomes an all consuming thought. It’s the only thing I can focus on, and it doesn’t matter how much I breath, how deeply, there comes a point where I can’t recover, a tipping point, and I pass out.

I know that about myself. I know my past experiences, so I’m fully expecting tomorrow to be rough.

I’m going to be stuck sitting in a chair I don’t want to be in, in a place I don’t want to be at, with a piece of metal jabbed into my arm that I don’t want to be there, letting them drain out liquid that I don’t want to give up… I think I would have earned a cookie or something after going through all of that.

Even if tomorrow goes smoothly and I walk out of there unscathed, this is a pretty big deal to me. Anxiety and nervousness all over the place. I would like to do something as a pat on the back.

Of course, it wasn’t until after I had left the hospital, a follow up appointment already scheduled for the 28th, that I realized I had no idea where to go for my lab work. I’ve never had to figure this stuff out before… Don’t mind me while I sit in my car and feel incompetent because I just realized that I should have asked my doctor when or at least where I would be getting the tests done.

I called the hospital’s number after I got home and talked to a gentleman who kindly explained that I needed to find a testing center my insurance covered. I should be able to find that information online.

Awesome. That was all I needed. No longer incompetent feeling. I have a direction to start going off in. Perfect. So I got that squared away. Found a location near by and got an appointment schedule for Wednesday morning. I even ran out to the testing center with my paperwork to make sure that I would be going to the right place, for the right things, and that my appointment wasn’t going to be a waste of time. That’s when I found out some of my tests are fasting blood work.

Look at me being responsible and stuff. /flex

After insuring I had all of my medical ducks in a row I went back home and cut up all of the chicken and veggies for dinner later. I figured after work I wouldn’t have as much energy, so I wanted to take care of as much as I could before hand. We had green curry schedule on the menu. I went ahead and put the dishes away, too, so the kitchen would be in working order.

I would like to take a second and say that all of this went down before 12pm. Yeah, my day was already super crazy productive and I hadn’t even touched work or school yet.

Zane was still in bed when I left for work, so I kissed him goodbye and headed out.

I clocked in, checked email, and did the whole social media routine before focusing on my homework.

I got the design looking better, at least better in my opinion, but it still felt like something was missing. I sent a picture to Zane, who was awake, and he agreed. Something felt ‘off’ but he couldn’t place his finger on it.

I came to the conclusion that it was too flat. It needed more depth, and that some soft gradients might help with that. I went ahead and did all of the reading for this week’s assignments first though. Got a 100 on the quiz, and did my initial post for the discussion board.

I battle planned out the rest of the assignments, so I know what I should be doing when. I also went ahead and posted my catch up blog from the weekend while I had a few minutes to go through and proof read.

That took me up to around 4:30. I packed up, clocked out, and headed home.

Zane had mentioned that he wanted to watch a movie with me tonight when I got home. I instantly got tense. But… I still had the gym, and cooking, and homework… I couldn’t watch a movie…

It was another thing added to my to-do list, and I didn’t know where it would fit in, and I couldn’t say no because it was something that he wanted to do, and this was going to ruin our night because we would end up fighting, and fire and brimstone from the sky…

… I really wish my brain would chill out sometimes…

I replied with how I had hoped to go to the gym when I got home, to which he replied he hadn’t meant watching the movie ‘right’ when I got home, just at some point during the evening.

Instant relief.

Oh. Awesome. I could figure it out, then. Maybe we could watch it while we were eating dinner or something. I could still get everything done. I didn’t have to give up the gym. Deep breath.

So with that figured out, I came home, had a little bit of tuna with crackers, sat down on the couch, which was a mistake. I totally didn’t want to get back up. Being still was so amazingly nice. But I was awesome and did, in fact, get back up and actually go to the gym.

Today was spin class. I stayed for 45 minutes this time. Not a whole lot longer, but a little bit. I eeked in an extra mile during that time, and I did a lot more ‘out of the saddle’ work with the class. Normally standing kills my legs, but I’m pushing myself. I’m using higher gears, too. Look at me rocking an 18. /flex

Go to gym. Check
Kick ass and take name. Check
Walk back home. Check
Pass out on kitchen floor. Oh man, double check

I was so beat when I got home. My legs are still sore, but it’s soooo worth it. It’s a good sore.

I drank a bunch of water, eventually I showered, then got to work on cooking dinner.

The curry came out really good this time. I’m not sure why but last time it tasted bland. I think it might have been the coconut milk. The can I used last time was unsweetened. Either way, dinner was fantastic, and there’s enough for leftovers. Yay.

While we were eating we started watching Jurassic World, which is something that I’ve been wanting to see. How can you go wrong with dinosaurs?

We got to where they close down the park. By then it was 10pm and I still had to finish my assignment which was due at midnight. We paused the movie and I got to work playing with the composition a bit more. Once I was happy with it I saved it and exported all of the files I needed. I wrote up the creative brief as well, put everything into a folder, double checked file naming and types, zipped up the folder, and submitted it online.

School. Done.

It was roughly 11pm by then, and I was falling asleep at the keyboard.

Zane was out in the living room watching a show so I could work uninterrupted in the bedroom. I cuddled with him for a few minutes before heading back to go to sleep. I remember waking up a few times, but that’s all I remember. I don’t remember why, or if I said anything.

I woke up at 9 on my own, cuddling with Scarlet. I feel rested, though sore still. Today is supposed to be a run day. Sort of looking forward to it, though I don’t know if I’m going to do all that well.

I need to go buy cat food since it’s my turn to do that. And I need to swing by the storage unit. I use Stivia sugar packets when I cook instead of normal sugar, which means I have this huge box of like 3000000000 packets.

I didn’t want to keep the giant box of packets at the apartment since there’s really not a place to put it, so instead I have a small stash of packets that I pull from here at the apartment, and I keep the box with everything else in storage. Well, my stash is running low, so I need to get some more from the master box.

Both of those chores should be easy tasks, and that’s really the only errands I need to run. I have work from 5pm until 1am. I plan on doing the grading during the second lab since it’s super quiet then. I also want to start work on my exercise assignment. At a minimum I want to pick a font and start the research for it. That’s what I’ve assigned myself for today. Execution will be tomorrow during the SAL lab, along with brainstorming for the week’s project.

Hoping for a low key day today. A full and productive day, but smooth. Guess I’m off to create my to-do list.