Month: July 2015

Daily Post 0146: Catching Up

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Long catch up post incoming.

I’ve actually started writing this post something like four times now. Things have been up and down and that’s made it hard to feel motivated to write, and when I am motivated, of course I’m no where near my computer to actually be able to do anything.

So I’m just going to run through everything, and if I happen to wonder onto a tangent, my bad.

Friday – New Glasses

The eye appointment was actually pretty awesome. I got there on time; early in fact. The technician I had was super friendly. He talked me through all of the tests, and we were even able to discuss my work a bit since one of his previous partners worked at the school. He was in audio, then video, and then creative writing, but it was still cool to talk to someone about the ins and outs, and some of my woes, and have them understand. Someone other than a co-worker, that is.

The doctor was super nice as well. She and I were able to have a pretty in-depth conversation about how 3D movies work. She was also super complimentary about my eyes and how blue they are. She mentioned a few things about my eyes specifically, like how they were most likely super sensitive to light, which they are.

It was awesome that she didn’t dumb down her answers to my questions, too.

I even had an awesome associate who helped me pick out glasses.

Associate: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “Um… yes…”

I’m that type of customer when it comes to things like this. I don’t know what I want… Glasses? That help me see? Nothing super shiny or flashy? Nothing Lady Gaga would be proud of?

I ended up getting a nice (personal opinion) half rim frame. It’s sort of sporty looking, fits snuggly so I don’t have to worry about them falling off during yoga and running. I also got transition lenses this time so I don’t have to worry about forgetting my clip ons sunglasses anymore.

Overall a super awesome experience.

At the cost of $170. ;-;

More than I wanted to spend. But that’s less than half of what the frames alone would have cost. Plus I got transitions, and polarized [some-sort-of-fancy-term-for-expensive-stuff] for free, and the exam was completely covered. So in the scheme of things roughly $200 was pretty f’ing amazing.

I’m having a hard time aligning myself with the missing money, though. When I look at my account I feel like a failure because I was supposed to have all of this extra money for the tattoos, but I’m down $300, partly for the glasses, and the other for covering Zane’s rent. I’m supposed to have something, and I don’t, so automatically I am irresponsible…

But I’m not though. New glasses are a good thing. I’ve wanted them for two years now. But my money status is different than what I was expecting and I’m having a hard time with that difference for some reason, even though it was an adult and responsible choice.

I think I need to spend more time meditating on this. I think there is something deeper that I’m glossing over.

Anywho, Mission: Eagle Eyes was a success. My prescription went up slightly, but the doctor said it was a normal jump and that there wasn’t any cause for concern.

I ended up going to my sports bar, since it was Friday, but the appointment took longer than I was expecting. Most likely due to me sitting there for 20 minutes being unable to decide between three frames.

I was able to order lunch, reply to a few emails, eat, then head to school. Not really rushed, but not the two hours I normally chillax either. Still left a 50% tip for my server because she was awesome.

I got a chance to talk to Clavan finally. I was trying to cancel the days I requested for vacation since I’m not going to be going anywhere. I thought about taking a trip home, but mom is going to come down and visit me instead. That’s actually pretty nice. I’m a little tired of the only time I see people is when I travel to them. Selfish, I know. But I can’t deny that there is a part of me who’s happy that I get to stay at home this time and not spend 12 hours of my vacation in a car.

So yeah, I was trying to cancel the requested time off so I can save it for the holidays. That wasn’t working the way it should have though, so I emailed Clavan and he came over to the lab. We talked about it and I showed me my employee screen. Yep, something’s wrong with it. He’ll look into it for me.

While he was in the lab we stepped outside into the hall to talk about my request for helping out in the Finals Department rather than the Shading and Lighting class. I guess that move is a no go. With all of the changes being made to the cirrucilum, that class is being phased out. At best I would be there for about 11 months, and then I would be left with nothing.

I asked how the students are doing their branding for their websites and demo reels without the class, but Clavan wasn’t sure. He said he was going to keep looking into it, and that he understood that I want to shift my focus towards something that would be using my new degree.

I guess that means for the moment I’m still in Shading and Lighting. And for the moment it’s not too bad. This month has been going fairly smoothly. No sign of burn out yet. Still stuck playing the waiting game, so instead of focusing on it, I’ll try to put my energy into something useful.

I did get more information about the whole ‘Project Blue Sky’ thing, but it’s still nothing that I can really talk about, since I’m not supposed to technically know about it. Yay for having an awesome boss who trusts me.

Now to type all of those deep, dark secrets out into a blog that I post online. : D

Not really. The information is interesting though. I’m still anxious about it, and the only things I can do are either wait and see what happens, or call it quites and leave. Since I’m aiming to finish my degree, for the moment I’ll stay and see what happens I guess.

Trust me as I am allowed to bitch talk about stuff, I will, I’m sure.

I ended up sketching a bit while I was in lab. That was fun and a great outlet that I haven’t been using. I came home after work and that’s where the down swing started.

Zane was called out of work again. So he was emo, which I fed off of, which he fed off of… I ended up going to bed early because I was tired of feeling disconnected and alone and having no real way of fixing it.

Saturday – Surprise Birthday

I woke up Saturday still feeling lame. I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, took out the trash, lazed around for a while trying to be introspective and figure out why I was being bothered so much.

Eventually Zane woke up. Called out of work again…

We has a serious talk where he said he was basically unemployed at this point. I agreed. I mentioned how it was hard to be supportive because I felt he could be spending his time better, but how I also know it’s easy to criticize someone when you’re on the outside of a situation. He apologized for the night before. He said that yes it’s a bad situation, but he literally did nothing yesterday except stay in bed, and that wasn’t going to fix anything.

He ended up job searching and found several that are promising.

I’m wising him the best of luck. There’s one specifically that would be fantastic if he got it. $13 an hour for a call center job for a health insurance company. I guess it is very similar to a job he had before. Another thing where we’re playing the waiting game.

We ended up cooking lunch together, which was nice. Both of us in the kitchen being playful. We watched a few more episodes of No Game No Life. We talked a bit more afterwards, so there was a lot of bonding, at least in my perspective.

We ended up going out to Moe’s for dinner where there was more talking. Lots of talking on Saturday. It was awesome.

Saturday was also Trevor’s birthday. That was something Zane mentioned earlier in the morning, so I wasn’t at all prepared for a social event later than night. I ended up hiding in the room for most of it. A small group chatting or watching something would have been ok, partying and playing Guitar Hero was a bit too much for me.

I ended up going to sleep on an upswing though, which was nice.

Sunday – Anti-Game Day

Sunday was pretty awesome. I finally, finally, went to a yoga class. My legs are thanking me so much right now it’s not even funny.

It was the first yoga class I have been to at the new gym. The instructor was nice, and the atmosphere was warm and inviting. I like her sense of humor and there were several instances where the class was laughing.

I remembered to bring a towel with me, so I was able to shower and get dressed at the gym. Afterwards I went to school to work on homework.

Originally I had planned to work upstairs in my little spot in the corner, but there was some sort of alarm going off. I think one of the battery packs for a computer died or something. Whatever it was, it was loud, and annoying, and I didn’t know how to fix it, so I went back downstairs to the break room to set up shop.

I got through all of my emails, personal and work related, responded to messages, and finally got to work on my composition. I made really awesome progress, and overall I’m happy with the concept. That is, I’ll be happy with it once I beat the leaf design into submission… The curves aren’t as smooth as I want them to be.

I ate a Luma bar and had a can of Brisk tea while I was at school, but before too long I was hungry and thirsty again. I had already had an extra bottle of water, and there was nothing good in the vending machine. I was also at a good stopping point on the project, so I figured it was time to pack up and head home. Roughly four hours of work time. Not bad, and if I had had more food with me I would have stayed longer.

When I came home I made lunch and watched an episode of No Game No Life, which left one episode in the series. Zane and I chatted for a bit before watching the finale.

How is there not another season for this show?!? My life is incomplete. This may seriously be the first show where I break down and read the manga. There has to be more to the story. They can’t end it like that. They can’t!

I super loved the art style and the storyline. Very, very well done in my opinion. It really is one of the best shows I’ve seen. I highly recommend it if you’re into anima.

Zane and I chatted for a while after the show. He had mentioned wanting to do more Asian style dishes for dinner so while I was at work I checked out Allrecipes.com and found a few that I thought sounded good.

We talked about them. Made our shopping list for the week, then headed out to the grocery store.

On the way home is when I started having my financial breakdown. I’m We’re over budget on food, which really isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things. But between the glasses, the food bill, the rent money, and the $50ish that I’ve spent on myself, I was feeling like a failure.

Zane and I talked through it. He asked what he could do to help. I responded with, just let me be sad for a little bit. I need time to get over it and to shift perspective. Logically I’m fine, we’re fine, there’s no reason for this. It’s a purely emotional response that I need to let have its time. There’s nothing you can do to fix it other than be understanding that this is temporary.

We talked about how he felt bad because he was part of the reason I was stressing out. How if he was making more he would be able to help with groceries, he would have been able to cover his rent, etc.

We talked about my credit card payment and how my plan for killing it with fire is going.

I feel like the best way to describe this past weekend is, “We talked.”

He knows where I am at. That I understand his situation, but I also have negative history, and that he’s following those negative trends that I’m sensitive to. He’s looking for a new job, and stepping up his game.

More waiting game. Blarg.

I felt a lot better after the conversation in the car though. Crazy insane amounts better. Maybe I just needed to have a minor breakdown.

We ended up putting the food away. I made the summer salad that we’ll be having for lunches this week, and I cooked a dinner of garlic chicken, rice, with green beans and tomatoes. It was a really nice meal, which I had in the room alone while Zane, Trevor, and Danielle played Muchkin. Social time was a no go once again for me. It was awesome not to be given a hard time for it.

So I guess it’s a good thing that our Pathfinder game is on hiatus right now. It wouldn’t have been fun for me if I had to sit and roleplay a character when all I wanted to do was hide under a rock.

I ended up going to sleep fairly early since I had to be awake for my doctor’s appointment. I’ll save that for my next post though.

Over all I think the weekend was good. I didn’t get to play Witcher 3 at all. But things were productive. I’ve started pre-making meals, so hopefully the week isn’t as crazy in that department. And there are still open lines of communication between Zane and I.

Today’s the start of a new week. So far it’s off to a good start, but then it’s hard to have a bad morning when you’re enjoying a cup of coffee.

Prompt Page 0055: Memory on the Menu

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“Which good memories are better — the recent and vivid ones, or those that time has covered in a sweet haze?”

Interesting.

I suppose this is another instance where I’m going to be weird and all INFJ like.

Most of the things I remember are hazy to be honest. It’s one of the reasons I write daily, so I can remember most everything that did happen and the order they happened in.

When something is extremely vivid it’s because of the emotions associated with it, and those emotions are so strong and real it’s as if the event is happening all over again. I can remember the texture of the clothing, the smells in the air, the way the sun felt. I can remember the emotions I was picking up from other people.

Remembering things like my graduation is actually sort of hard because not only do I remember the sense of pride and happiness, but I remember the anxiety and fear I felt. I remember the nervousness of giving my graduation speech. It’s mildly frustrating because even just typing about it makes my fingers tremble as if I’m holding the paper in my hands all over again. I can remember being terrified that my cape was going to fall off.

Super embarrassing moments where I wanted to fall of the face of the Earth and die… Yep… like it just happened yesterday. Moments where I received a gift and felt so loved and cared for that I cried… Teary eyed all over again.

For me, those moments exist outside of time. They could have happened yesterday, or back when I as five years old. Yeah, I actually have a few moments from way back then.

So I suppose neither, both, all, none? Memory is a weird thing for me and I don’t know how to explain it better than what I have. I feel my memories, relive them, more than actually remembering them.

Time can wash away a lot of the day to day things for me, but there are certain moments Time will never be able to distort or take away from me.

Daily Post 0145: The Post Office Adventure

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Yesterday was alright. Not fantastic, but a far cry from the disaster of fire and brimstone I had pictured in my head.

I got a late start to the day, mostly due to feeling so out of it. Writing helped. It at least let me know the direction I wanted to go in, even if I wasn’t looking forward to it. I had significantly less anxiety about the thought of having the discussion than I would have in the past, so that was reassuring and a positive mark in my book.

Zane and I headed out of the house around 1ish. We stopped by the leasing office first to inquire about his packaged from EBay again. While we were on the way I told him that I appreciated him going to run errands with me. When he first woke up he had mentioned not going. But he got up instead, and that meant a lot to me and I wanted him to know that.

I also took the moment to say that his sleeping habits were starting to bother me, and that I felt like it was because things are sort of icky with work, and that’s bleeding over into other areas. I said that I felt like the lack of short-term goals was another factor.

He agreed with everything I said. Not that, “I’m agreeing with you so you’ll leave me alone,” agree. But a genuine, “I think this is a problem, too,” type of agree.

We were at the leasing office door by then. He said we would talk about it later. I’m not sure if we actually will. He hasn’t brought it up since, but I have voiced my concerns, and that in itself made me feel better.

The leasing office didn’t have the package and had no new information for us. Lame.

We walked to my car to continue on our adventure. I stopped by the vet to pick up new flea medication for Scarlet. It’s been about a month so she needed another application. I’ve also been finding a little bit of flea dust when I brush her. Not the crazy infestation like before, but a little bit is a little bit too much.

That was a quick, painless stop, and $15 later it was labeled a success.

From there we went to the post office. We stood in line for about 10 minutes before we were able to see someone. We mentioned the issue with the change of address process online. I was handed a paper packet and told to fill it out manually instead. It would take about a week longer than the online process, but this would fix things.

I was confused. I said I didn’t see how filling out the same address on paper would solve anything when their system wasn’t able to recognize the address. The associate danced around my question instead of giving me a direct answer as to why this way would work verses the online method.

I’m really not hard to please. At least I don’t think I am. I want to understand. I want to know ‘how’, and ‘why’ and if you can give me solid information to support or justify the reason for doing something, I’ll normally go along with anything.

I need to have reasons and explanations so I’m invested in the outcome. “Because I said so,” isn’t good enough for me, and that’s what I feel like I as told.

Me: There’s an issue with your system. How is this other method going to fix it?

Woman: Because it will.

That’s like saying a game sucks, and when asked why you say, “because it does.” There’s nothing factual in that statement, so I instantly disregard your opinion since you seem unable to support it.

I was agitated at the post office, but I knew I wasn’t going to get a better answer from the woman, so I let it go. I just wish I had something, some sort of assurance that this would actually fix the issue, rather than someone’s word saying that it will. Right now it feels like I’m just hoping, which I don’t like.

Zane asked about the package and was given a number to call. The same one we have been trying to call for two weeks. The line is always busy, so we figured going to the post office in person would be more effective.

Wrong.

Woman: Call this number.

Zane: But I’ve been calling this number. It’s always busy.

Woman: You have to call between 9am and 10am.

Seriously, you can only get someone to pick up the phone during a one-hour time frame?

Whatever. We’ll try it again tomorrow I suppose. That’s the only information the woman would give us, so it’s the only avenue we currently have.

That pretty much took care of all of the chores I needed to do before work. We came back home and watched an episode of No Game No Life while I had lunch.

I showered and headed into work around 4.

Lab was crazy busy. It took me two hours to reply to one email. I gave up on getting much of anything done due to the volume of questions. They aren’t bad questions, there’s just a lot of them. I think this month is going to be one of those months where I stitch during the first lab, or do something else that takes very little brain power.

If I try actually working on something then it’s going to turn into a train wreck in my head with how much I’m going to have to start and stop a thinking process. I don’t do well with being interrupted, and I know that about myself. So lets avoid unneeded stressful situations like that.

I was able to block out a bit of my first concept after we came back from break, which made me feel good. It’s not a blank canvas anymore, so it’s not as intimidating.

After lab I came home. I was frazzled from work. I was antsy and needed to do stuff to get the energy out of my system. I had hoped to start on dinner right when I got home. But Trevor was cooking. And that meant there were people out and about, and I didn’t want to be around people.

I retreated to the room and cuddled with Scarlet but that didn’t help much. Zane and I talked about going out somewhere, but I didn’t really want to leave, and I didn’t really want to spend money, especially since most of the time I feel like you can have better meals at home for way cheaper. I didn’t want to spend money on something that I ultimately wouldn’t be happy with.

I didn’t want to watch anything because I had just been in front of the computer for so long trouble shooting through things, I really didn’t want to listen to anything because that meant processing.

In general I wanted to curl up under a rock for a while.

Honestly, I had hoped to clean the kitchen and do chores when I got home. That helps me transition from work space to home space, but that couldn’t happen last night, and I didn’t have a backup plan for it since this was the first time it’s happened.

I suppose I could have gone to the gym, but I took yesterday as a rest day, and at 9pm I wasn’t really feeling it. More people, and I was tired. Anything with people was pretty much scratched off of the list as a ‘no-go’.

I didn’t even want to play Witcher 3 because brain power. And screens.

Instead I put in headphones and listened to music literally all night. I slept off and on, but only rolled over when I did happen to surface back to consciousness. At 2am I got up and had some tuna with crackers. I couldn’t finish all of it so I gave the remainder to Zane and went back to sleep.

And now I’m awake. I have my eye appointment shortly that I need to shower for and get to. It’s Friday, which means lunch at my sports bar while wrapping up the week. Today is Shading and Lighting lab, so I will have roughly four hours of work time for my assignments. There’s also spin at 5:30 since I’m not able to get to the morning class.

The kitchen is a disaster because I have to clean up from Trevor using it. Another nail in the coffin of why I didn’t cook last night. I would have had to clean, cook, then clean again. Not interested.

I’ll take care of it today, though. I ‘should’ have more energy for it. At least the cleaning will happen. Cooking needs to occur, otherwise the chicken will go bad, and I’m tired of not having a good meal. I was so pumped up for it last night, and then it fell through. Much lame.

I told Zane situations like last night were one of the reasons I enjoy cooking on a set day, like Sunday. That way all of the cooking and dirty dish making is done, and all you have to do is heat up the food in the microwave. Quick, easy, and still healthy.

I don’t have it in me during most of the week to cook every night.

So I guess I’m still trying to find a balance in that area. But overall things are good. There’s still open communication, and the resentment I felt building inside me isn’t there any more.

I should go shower so I’m not late to my appointment. Leave it to me to wake up 2 hours early and still be 15 minutes late.

Prompt Page 0054: Futures Past

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“As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?”

I honestly did want to be a ballerina when I grew up. Sort of cliché, but there you go.

I liked the idea of being able to dance. I liked the idea of being pretty. I liked the idea of being light and graceful and floating on air and twirling around on my tippy toes.

The reality of it is I liked the idea of being something my dad wanted me to be. He wanted a ballerina, so I wanted to be a ballerina.

I took lessons for a little while. I don’t remember them very much since it was so long ago, so far back in the past.

I remember my dad used to take me to practice.

There is one that I remember clearly. I’ve mentioned it before, in a previous post during the winter I think. It was towards the end of rehearsal. We were all lined up against the bar on one side of the room. I remember the parents were gathering at the other side, coming in through the door to pick us up, but they had to wait because we weren’t done yet.

When we were done I remember everyone running over to their parents. I remember warm smiles and love and warmth.

But I couldn’t find my parents. I couldn’t see them. So I stayed on the other side of the room, alone. Looking. Observing.

It was one of those moments where you have a puzzle piece fall into place. Like there is a physical, auditable click inside of your head. A key part of your very being has just unlocked and you now see the world through completely different eyes, a completely different perspective.

This is how forever will be.

I don’t remember how old I was. I don’t know why I had that thought, or how I even could have understood what it meant. How could I have any concept of forever, or of acceptance in society? How could I have this sense of calm existence, like I was an outsider, a foreigner, and this is how it was meant to be? That I was different, I would always be different, and that ultimately my role in life was to be an observer.

I am so far form being a ballerina that it’s almost laughable. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. I think like being a warrior instead. : )

Daily Post 0144: Icky Conversation Incoming

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I didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t toss and turn. I was actually asleep for most of the night. But it feels like I wasn’t. It feels like I was in a super light sleep that did nothing to relax and restore my muscles and mind.

My body is in zombie mode right now. I’m sore, I ache, I’m tired. I don’t want to do anything. I especially do not want to go run today.

My mind on the other hand is running on a hamster wheel of death reminding me of all the stuff I wanted to get done today. Which requires moving and stuff. Which is lame.

The clash is pretty annoying. I’m hoping that caffeine helps. I feel like chalking today up to being a wash. I’m not even out of my pjs yet and I want to throw in the towel.

Me: Ok, ok. I get it. You win, Universe. I need to take rest days. I got it. I promise to rest… after this 20 minute run… Is that cool? Will that count as a rest day? >.>;

Luckily today is only a four hour day as far as work is concerned since David takes the 9pm to 1am lab. I’m thinking that my main, number 1 goal for today will be ‘survive’. Anything past that is just adding to my level of awesomeness.

It might be part of being tired, but I’m feeling disconnected again. I’m pretty sure I know why, but I’m still working through it.

I guess this blank page is as good a spot as any to do it. I’m just going to throw all of the garbage in my mind onto the keyboard and we’ll see where that gets me as far as a better mental state goes.

Zane got called out of work again.

I figured this would happen. He said he would apply to new places, but I haven’t seen him actually do that since I think it was last Saturday. He is supposed to be helping is brother make a game that we’re supposed to test play Sunday, but he hasn’t been working on that either. He’s been sleeping. If he’s not sleeping he’s watching videos on Youtube and Chrunchyroll.

It bothers me. A lot. Like, insane amounts, more than I’m letting him know, because almost every person I have dated has done this. Unemployed, depressed, staying at home sleeping or playing games.

It’s frustrating to see from the outside because it’s easy to see where time could have been used better, where effort should have been put. It’s hard to be sympathetic because I still have to go to work and take care of stuff, and go to the store, and cook, and clean, and there’s that irrational four to eight year old in side me who wants to stamp her foot and say it’s not fair.

I honestly do think Zane’s behavior is being fueled by depression. And I think that’s why other areas of our dynamic are sort of stagnating. i’m frustrated with him, so I don’t want to cuddle or have contact as much, even though the lack of contact is hard for me and is part of why I feel disconnected. To further add to the situation, he doesn’t feel good internally so he’s not feeling the physical contact thing either.

I don’t know what to do to help get him out of this rut. And if I’m honest, I don’t want to really have a role in fixing the situation. I’ve had to kick myself in the past and push myself to get out of my own downward spiral. It meant more to me to do it myself. I actually don’t do well with people telling me what I ‘should’ be doing to fix my life. If anything that makes me dig my heels in and do everything except that one thing, just for spite.

“I can fix my own life, thanks, so shove off and go live your own instead of vicariously through mine,” sort of mentality. Not really the best mentality to have, and being aware of it makes it easier for me to see when I start doing things like that. Doesn’t mean I like outside commentary, though. I just means I know how to not murder people over it.

I want him to find strength and motivation within himself.

I want him to want something bad enough to actually do it. He has plans for the future, how in two years he’s going to move to California and be with Nic. He’s going to open his own hookah lounge. That doesn’t get him out of bed now though, and that bothers me. There’s nothing short term for him to work towards.

At least nothing that seems to motivate him enough to actually see it through. The game seemed to inspire him for a bit, but I don’t think it’s working any more.

What gets you out of bed when you don’t have a reason to leave it?

It’s frustrating. And conflicting because I understand why he is behaving the way he is, so I feel like my frustration is unfair. I would want someone to be understanding with me if I were in his position. I like to think I would be more proactive in trying to change my situation if I as so unhappy with it, though.

Annoying tangled yarn ball of dooooooom. Arg. >.<;

On a totally unrelated note because I’m tried to looking at negative things, yesterday was actually a pretty good day.

I had my training at 10am, which was surprisingly fun. I met a lady from Faculty Affairs who was awesome. We exchanged contact information and will most likely be trying to meet for tea at some point.

I also used the survey they send out at the end of training classes to voice my concern about the lack of support for the faulty. I mentioned how it would be easier for us to care for and support the students if we felt like we were being cared for and supported ourselves.

We’ll see if that starts any sort of revolution.

After the class I had time to kill before my lab at 1pm so I went over to our break room and proof read my daily post and got caught up on emails / blogs. Frank came in a little before lab started and we got to talk about Witcher 3 for a bit. It was fun to geek out over a game with someone. I haven’t been able to do that in a while.

Lab was uneventful. I got all of my brainstorming done for my first project. Even sketched through some ideas. There ended up being three that I felt were pretty decent concepts. I wasn’t able to pick which one I wanted to go with, so I scanned the concepts and posted them to my Facebook asking which one people liked more. I’m going to give it a few more hours and then pick based on that I guess.

I might just go with two designs. I have the time to flesh both of them out.

The SAL lab opted to take their break at the end of class, which meant I got out of work 40 minutes earlier than I was expecting. I ended up using that time to go to the store to get the chicken and veggies I needed for dinner. Originally I was going to do that after the gym, but this seemed like a better use of time.

Suffered through rush hour traffic, went to the store, came home, put all the food stuffs away. Zane hadn’t been awake for very long, but I was already starting to drag. I was tired and thinking about not going to the gym. We didn’t really talk, he was in the middle of watching something on his computer. I curled up in bed behind him for about 15 minutes, but it wasn’t relaxing.

I felt sort of ignored which was a lame feeling.

Eventually I got tired of myself going back and forth in my head about the gym, so I got up, changed, and went to the spin class.

I’m glad I did. I stayed for 40 minutes again. It was a little easier this time. Another 15 miles on my Runkeeper. /flex

I was pretty dead when I got home. Which, by the way, I walked to the gym and back. So add a half mile or so to my workout. Like a bawce.

I stayed in the living room for a while. I had some water. Eventually John came home and was messing around in the kitchen so I went back to the bed room. Curled up in bed again with a pillow over my head.

Yay emotional discord.

I don’t remember when but at some point I showered. I had leftovers for dinner because I was too tired to actually cook. So we’re going to be having the chicken dinner tonight.

I played Witcher 3 for a little bit. Got some side quests done, died a bunch. Didn’t really progress the story’s main quest line, though. Playing the game really wasn’t making me feel any better so I saved, logged off, and went to sleep, which I guess that didn’t help me either. Laaaame.

I know I should brooch this with Zane. I just don’t know how to do it without sounding like a jerk.

Me: “Hey. Look. I know you’re going through a hard time and everything… but seriously, suck it up and do shit.”

Blah. I don’t know if it’s even my place to say anything. I haven’t figured out the course of action I want to take, and that’s where most of my discord is stemming from. It’s why I’m frustrated and disconnected feeling.

I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter so much about what is ‘right’, as much as what would give me peace of mind. If I say something, at least I know my opinion and thoughts were heard, even if they do not change anything. I tried, and that’s all I can do.

So I guess on top of ‘survive’ I have to add ‘have a not fun conversation’ to the to-do list. Not cool. ;-;

Daily Post 0143: My Apartment Doesn’t Exist

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I wrote last night but I didn’t have it in me at 2:30 to proof read through the billions of typos that I made, so I saved posting for when I was conscious and able.

It feels like today has lasted for forever.

I woke up at 6am for some reason. I had a headache when I went to sleep last night, most likely from being dehydrated. I’m always trying to play catch up with my water intake it seems.

I drank four glasses between coming home from the gym and going to bed. But I guess that wasn’t enough. I drank more when I woke up, along with part of a Gatorade that I had in the fridge.

Zane was still awake. I sat in the living room with him for a little bit while I drank. I told him I wasn’t feeling well. That I had a headache, felt warm, and that I was a little congested.

He was worried that I was getting sick again. I didn’t feel ‘sick’ sick, but I agreed that I needed to be weary. I also agreed to get some orange juice from the store later. Eventually I went back to sleep. I turned my alarm off because getting up at 7:30 didn’t sound appealing anymore.

I woke up on my own around 9:30. I had toast for breakfast with my coffee. I didn’t have a specific time for when I wanted to go to the gym, but I did have a bunch of errands to run before going into work, so I figured if I got my day moving before 1 I would be good.

The daily prompt today sparked something raw for me. It was hard to write. It was hard to face down some of those memories and emotions. I feel better for having written. I feel lighter, cleaner. I didn’t realize I still had some of that weight in side me. I thought I had accepted that part of my past, but I guess there’s still healing to be done.

I’m happy to say that after writing I didn’t shut down. I got up and changed into workout cloths. I packed my gym bag, kissed Zane goodbye, said I would be home in a little bit, and actually went to the gym. I actually moved on with my day rather than being emo and feeling sorry or angry.

I’m beyond proud to report that I increased my run intervals and I completely owned them. It was a great run. I am still on a high from it, so I don’t really know how sleep is going to happen even though I’m ridiculously tired. I stretched really well afterwards, which has kept any sort of muscle soreness at bay. No complaints about that.

Today was the first time that I’ve used the showers at the gym. I didn’t realize that they don’t provide towels like the YMCA, so I had to air dry for a bit. That was lame, but a lesson learned. I have an extra towel that I’ll toss into my gym bag after I post this. Or maybe I’ll just add it to my to-do list for tomorrow… That sounds better actually. / scribbles in notebook

After the gym I walked across the parking lot to the CVS for a can of compressed air. Zane and I used most of Trevor’s when we cleaned my computer, so it is only fair that I replace it. I got a Luma bar while I was there since I hadn’t eaten since the morning and it was already pushing 2pm. After that I had to run to the bank to deposit the money Zane gave me, and to get a money order for Zane’s half of the rent.

My favorite teller was behind the counter, which was fantastic. He asked me if I had a chance to see Jurassic World yet. Sadly I haven’t, so we couldn’t geek out over the movie fully, but he assured me that it was worth seeing.

When I left he said, “Take care, Jen.” I don’t know why, but it made me smile and feel warm. It made me feel like an actual person, not just some random nameless stranger who happens to use his bank.

With the bank endeavor accomplished I stopped by Publix to pick up burger for dinner tonight, along with more mushrooms and the orange juice I had said I would get for myself. I even splurged a little and got two bottles of Gatorade while I was there.

Originally I was going to pick up a change of address form from the post office. It’s literally right behind the bank. But I decided while I was at the bank that I would change my address online instead.

That ended up being a bad move. Once I got home from the store I sat down at the computer for take care of the address change… only USPS says my address doesn’t exist…

I’m pretty sure it does though… since I’m living here and stuff…

So I’m going to go to the post office in person to figure that out. There’s nothing online, at least that I can find, that will help me solve this issue on my own. Much lame. If I had known it would be a hassle like this I would have taken care of it while I was out. Now I have something on my list that I can’t complete for a few days.

I suppose it works out though. Zane needs to go to the post office to figure out what’s going on with his package. So it will be two birds with one stone essentially. I have training tomorrow morning, and then work in the afternoon, so we’ve planned to take care of the post office tasks on Thursday. Still would have been nice to complete it on the first attempt though. It was supposed to be an ‘easy’ task.

Because I had to cancel my previous debt card due to losing my wallet my Spotify and LA Fitness accounts weren’t allowed to draft properly. I went ahead and took care of both of those things while I was at the computer, which pretty much completed my to-do list for the day. At least the ‘pre-work’ to-do list.

I had lunch and watched another episode of No Game No Life with Zane before showering again, packing up my stuff, and heading to school. It was a nice moment of relaxation and recharging before starting my 8 hour shift.

It was the first lab of the month, which meant giving the introduction speech. Luckily there weren’t any super crazy names that I didn’t know how to pronounce.

The first lab is a full lab. There seems to be some pretty awesome people in it, but I wasn’t able to get much of anything done due to the volume of questions. That’s pretty typical, so I was ok with it. I’m also happy to report that I’m not as burnt out as I have been in the previous months. I think the mini-vacation had a lot to do with that, and I’m hoping I can keep this energy going for a while.

When the lab went on break I drove to Moe’s for food. I don’t feel guilty about it. I enjoyed getting out of the building for a bit. I enjoyed having a good meal and some alone time, sitting by myself, rather than rushing from one chore to the next. And with facing down some serious emotions this morning AND still being a bad ass and taking care of my day I felt like treating myself to something that is linked purely to comfort was ok.

Moe’s has a new promotional item; the siracha nacho bowl. It was amazing. I added shredded cheese and queso to it because cheese. Totally amazing, and totally worth it. I highly recommend it. I wasn’t able to finish all of it, so I got a to-go bowl and took the leftovers with me back to school.

Since the second lab only requires one person to run it, David and I worked out the schedule so that I take Tuesdays, and he’ll take Thursdays. That meant I was schedule to work until 1am.

The second lab opted to forgo their break, and leave at 12 instead of 1am, which I am cool with. That gives me an uninterrupted hour at the end of lab where I can either work on school stuff, or tie up loss ends before calling it a day.

With there only being 7 students in the lab I was able to finish off the assignments for this week which leaves only my reply post to the discussion assignment and the water bottle assignment. I sort of like the ‘Word’ assignment so I may post that to my Dragon’s Horde.

Luis came into the lab and hung out for a bit. This is his final month at school. He’s already asked me to be there for his graduation. I plan to be on stage for him. I also have to make sure to get a rubber duck for him. I actually might still have a few. I’ll have to add that to the to-do list as well. / scribbles more

After lab I happened to see Nicole. It seems like forever since her and I have been able to chat. That was roughly a 30 minute conversation of briefly catching up with each other. We’re going to see if we can’t get our schedules to line up so we can get lunch together at some point.

Eventually I was able to make it to my car so I could go home. I texted Zane to let him know I was on my way. When I got home he started cooking dinner for me. Tonight was a communal meal of burgers with mushrooms, onions, and Swiss cheese. I added bacon to mine because bacon.

It was super tasty. There’s still a little bit of cleaning to be done in the kitchen, but that’s the last thing on my list. I’m hoping that I have it in me to actually post this tonight before going out and loading the dishwasher. Normally I wash things by hand, but I don’t have it in me tonight.

I’m not going to have time to do the spin class in the morning due to the class I have to take for work, so spin will have to happen after work at 5:30 again. I’m not sure if I’m going to press myself to stay for the whole hour, or leave at the 40 minute mark again. I suppose it will depend on my energy level.

After the gym I have to run to the store for some veggies to go with dinner, then cook dinner, and that will basically be my day.

It doesn’t sound like much, but I feel like it’s going to be another full, tiring day. But tiring in a good way. In a “productive, I’ve done stuff,” sort of way.

Today was good. Long, crazy, productive, and good. I think the best thing about it is how much freer and stronger I feel. How much more like me I feel. It’s a good feeling.

Prompt Page 0053: Revisionist History

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Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

This is most likely going to be dark, and part of me wants to apologize for that, while the other part wants to remain true to my initial response to this prompt.

Fair warning, this is not for the faint of heart. This will also be sexual in nature.

I’ve written about him a few times. Warren #2. I’ve mentioned how he was emotionally abusive, and in two instances physically abusive. I mentioned how he was the only relationship I was in where I became legitimately suicidal.

I’ve mentioned a lot of things. But there are several things I haven’t mentioned because remembering them still brings back those emotions. I still sometimes get flash backs to those events and it’s as if I’m there all over again and I lose my connection to the here and now.

I feel it on my skin as if it’s happening again. I relive the emotions.

I’ve actually avoided those event. In my mind, in conversation. As if they never happened, or happened to someone else. I have tried to block them out, put up walls around them because I honestly don’t know what to do with those emotions. I don’t know how to bleed that poison out because every time I try I can’t maintain my grip on my present. I haven’t been able to do this alone.

I think I can brooch this subject now, though. I think I feel safe and secure enough with Zane to at least being to peek at these emotions, from my own perspective, and try to let them have their peace.

I have mentioned the event I’m about to revisit, but I have always done so as if I were an outsider looking at someone else’s life. I have never gone back to this event as myself, and if I am honest, I’m scared. I already feel the adrenaline and anxiety of going back to that room. I’m worried I’m not strong enough, that I will never be strong enough, and that some part of me is fundamentally broken because of this event.

I have been sexually involved with every person I have dated. During those times there have been instances where they have wanted sexual interaction and I have not. They did not rape me. I willingly made a choice to please my partner, even though I didn’t get much out of the overall experience. I got cuddles afterwards, we would fall asleep together. Sometime we would go out for food, or watch a movie together. There was some form of closeness, so no, it was not a negative experience for either of us. My own sexual gratification has never been a focus for me. If my partner is happy, then I am happy.

Warren #2 was the same way. Except there was never cuddles afterwards. There was never kisses and hugs. There was never affection and warmth. There was this feeling of coldness afterwards as he left to go play Team Fortress 2 or talk to his friends online.

As our relationship deteriorated, as we fought more, as he lied to me more, as he cheated on me, I wanted him to touch me less and less. I wanted to get away, but financially I couldn’t. I needed a roommate, we were on the lease together. When I would bring up the fact that I wanted to break up he would counter with how I wasn’t trying hard enough, how relationships take work. I was being childish and trying to run away. I needed to grow up.

And I convinced myself that he was right. He was the one being wronged. I convinced myself to stay with him even though the only thing I wanted was to be away. Alone. I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to feel worthless and cold and unloved anymore. I didn’t trust anyone. No one could be trusted. If Warren #2 could say such horrible tings to me, and he supposedly loved me, what would everyone else be like?

There was one night where we were fighting. He was yelling at me. Cursing. Nothing new to be honest. I could feel his energy, hot, angry, like lightening against my skin. Being in the same room with him hurt because there was so much anger. I don’t even remember what he was angry about. He would be fine one minute, then out of no where we would be fighting. I hated it. I never knew what to expect. I never knew when he would swing into a rage. But I could feel it the second before it happened. I could feel the wall of anger hit me before the words left his mouth.

He was in one now. A rage. He never actually listened when he was like that. So I learned to stop talking. Which would make him more angry because he wanted to fight. He wanted someone to yell back at him and I never did. He would try to get a response out of me, and my one act of defiance, the one thing I could do, was not react. I didn’t want to sink to his level. It was my way of proving that I was better and that he would never be able to break me becaue I felt like that was what he was trying to do towards the end.

During this fight we ended up grappling. We ended up on the bed. He was above me. His face was red with anger and from the exertion. It was contorted with effort. It looked vicious and mean, and it’s the face I associate with him now. Not the warm smile with bright eyes. This dark, malicious expression is what I see when I have dreams of him.

I was fighting back, trying to get him to go away. I didn’t want to hurt him. But I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him in my room. It was my safe space. It was one of the things we had agreed on. He wouldn’t come into my room without permission. He wasn’t welcome, why wasn’t he going away? Why wasn’t he keeping his word?

His hand slipped and hit the side of my jaw. Hard. It hurt so much. The shock of it made me stop fighting back. I couldn’t see anything but white. I couldn’t hear anything except ringing. There was nothing else except this pain in my head. I had never experienced anything like it before. I had nothing to compare it to.

He was saying something. He was doing something. But I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t make things make sense. I was crying, silent tears. I could feel them on my face. Wet, running down. One of the tears ran into my ear. I’m not sure why I remember that, or why it matters. It seems so normal, so mundane, in relation to everything else. Even while something terrible was about to happen, even while a nightmare unfolds life was still going, still turning. Stupid annoying things are still happening, so things will be ok. Things will go back to being normal. It’s ok. It’s ok.

I wanted it to stop, for him to leave. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I started being able to focus on the room. On myself. I could understand what was going on. He was taking off my pants, and I knew what was going to happen. I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore. I didn’t tell him to stop. I didn’t say no. Instead I did what he told me to, and cried as quietly as I could because it felt like no matter what I did that it wouldn’t matter. It was easier to close my eyes and to try to escape to somewhere else. It was easier to pretend that it wasn’t happening to me. It was someone else. Some other person. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me.

It didn’t last for very long. At least I don’t think it did. He left afterwards and as he walked out of my room, leaving my door open, I curled into a ball on my bed holding my pillow to my chest so I could bury my face into it and silently scream. I screamed and cried until I couldn’t anymore. Until my chest hurt, my body ached, and I had nothing left inside of me. I felt like a wounded animal. Like I was dying. Alone. In the dark. So horribly cold and alone.

I remember waking up. It was still dark outside. It was still dark in my room. The apartment was silent. He was sleep. It felt safer. Like the darkness, the silence would protect me. I had somehow wrapped myself up in my sheet. My giant, purple, sheet. I stayed in bed for a while longer, listening.

I felt empty. Detached. The events were facts. They happened. They were logic. There was no emotion. The few twinges that I felt I crushed, mercilessly.

I would feel nothing. I felt nothing. There was nothing.

Eventually I got up and showered. In the dark. More tears. But I could only feel them for a second before the water washed them away. They, like the emotions, didn’t exist. There were no tears. There was no hurt. There was simply washing. And then there were chores that needed to get done. And work in the morning.

There was nothing. And for a long time that’s how I functioned. That’s how I as able to cope.

I don’t regret any of the experiences I have had in life. I feel all of them go into making me who I am. But if there is one thing I could change, one thing I would have happen differently, it would be this event.

So many of my insecurities are associated, or compounded from this one event, that I often wonder who I would be if it hadn’t happened. What type of person would I have turned into? Would I be stronger? Would I be less empathetic? Would I cherish the people in my life as much as I do? Would my outlooks, morals, and values be different?

Would I be more trusting in my relationships? Would I love more? Would I love easier?

If I could change it I would have this event not happen, or I would have left him afterwards rather than staying longer, or I would have pressed charges so Ashley wouldn’t have experienced the same situation. I would have stopped her experience from happening.

There are so many ways it could have been different, but because I did nothing, it played out the way it did.

I wonder what would have happened if I had been stronger. And that’s what eats away at me. Every time. Even now. I blame myself for weakness. I blame myself for being scared and doing nothing. I blame myself for staying and justifying what he did.

There is still all of this anger and hurt inside. Self-loathing. Contempt. There is still this broken, scared girl who wants to hide under the purple blanket and pretend that the monsters aren’t real and that they can’t hurt her.

But they are real, they do exist, and they can hurt you. And the most horrible ones are the ones inside your own head. The ones whispering lies to you. Lies that you believe for years. The hardest monster to fight is yourself. The hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself.

And I guess that’s where I am right now as I sit here and try to type through new tears. I’m trying to understand that it wasn’t my fault, and that’s so hard to do. It’s so hard to believe when you have part of your very soul scream that it is your fault. If you hadn’t deserved it in some way it wouldn’t have happened. If you really were a good person it wouldn’t have happened.

But for the first time, even with the screaming in my head, I don’t feel broken. I don’t feel shattered by these facts. I can feel myself still because I haven’t escaped away to some far off distance place in my head. My Ice cave where nothing can hurt me. I’m still here and able to feel. And though I feel sad, and hurt. I don’t feel weak.

For the first time I am able to take that frail, vulnerable part of myself and embrace her and hug her and finally say that it’s ok. For the first time I actually believe those words in regards to this situation. I truly believe that it really is ok. That I’m ok, and that I will be ok.

I don’t regret who I am. I don’t regret my experiences. But I do think it’s human to wonder ‘what if’ some times. And this is one of the few moments in my life where I am left wondering what would have happened if events had been different.

Daily Post 0142: Tired and Content

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Oh man. Busy day was busy.

I’m happy to report that today didn’t suck, and that I actually was able to turn in around from the feelings this morning.

I got a lot of writing done this morning; my daily post, a prompt writing, as well as the weekly recap that I’m terrible about doing. I showered and made it to lunch on time, which was a fantastic and relaxing experience.

At around 2:30 Sabrina and I parted ways. I headed to school to fill out my admin hours by working on school work for my class. I am taking Typography and Page Layout again. I’m glad I’m back in this class. I’m ready to take it on.

I got through all of the class introduction assignments as well as all of the reading and the quiz. I completed the discussion post, so now I just need to reply to posts from other students before the following Monday. I created an event on my calendar to remind me to post replies on Friday, so I won’t lose points for not participating in ‘class discussions’.

I’ve already finished most of one excerise assignment, and the other I should be able to breeze through. I was going to finish both of those today, but since it’s already midnight and I want to go to sleep at 1am I have changed my plans to finishing the excerises tomorrow.

At 5pm I left school and headed home. I wanted to do the spin class at the gym, which started at 5:30. When I got home the first thing I noticed was the dishes were done. /swoon

That was the sexiest sink I’ve ever seen. I went into the room and thanked Zane for doing the dishes and apologized for being bitchy and frustrated earlier. I didn’t have much time before the class, so I changed super fast, kissed him bye and rushed out the door.

I made it to the gym with enough time to stash my keys and wallet in a locker and get to the class. It was super intense, at least from what I’m used to at the YMCA. I think there are a few other factors that go into it, like not being hydrated enough, not eating as clean as I should be, and not having been to the gym in a week. I haven’t biked in at least two weeks, most likely closer to a month.

I’m not ashamed to say that I didn’t say for the whole thing. I stayed for most of it. About 40 minutes out of 60. I did 15 miles in those 40 minutes, and I pushed myself pretty hard. I’m happy with my effort, and as the week goes on I’ll be able to stay for more of the class as I get my endurance back.

I’m proud of myself for going to the class. It’s my first one at the new gym. I didn’t know anyone in the room. I didn’t know the instructor. And I didn’t let that stop me. I still had an awesome workout and I’m looking forward to the other classes I plan to take this week.

When I got back to the apartment from the gym Zane and I talked with Trevor and Danille about communal meals and about dividing up buying some of the grocery stuff. Today was my day to cook dinner, so we were doing Mexican Monday with a Mexican Beef Skillet recipe that I like.

I also talked to my mom for a bit. We weren’t able to chat for a super long time, but we both were able to share a few of our stories. I got to tell her about the wallet adventure. We chatted a bit about John, too. It was a good conversation, but there is still more for us to talk about, so we have tentative plans to talk more tomorrow.

After the mom call I showered so Zane and I could go to the store. We put the laundry in the wash before we headed out. The store was a success, though I will need to go out tomorrow for a few more items.

I got a new body wash while we were out. It’s an Irish Spring wash, but it has mint in it. I’ve used it once before but I have never been able to find it since then. I can’t wait to shower tomorrow. It’s such an interesting feeling. It leaves my skin tingly and cool because of the mint in the soap. I’m totally ok with people thinking I’m weird.

When we got home I switched the wash to the dryer then got started on cooking dinner. The recipe makes a ton of food, so even with feeding all four of us there’s still enough left over for at least two, more like three, meals.

I still need to clean the kitchen and put the cloths away, but for the most part the day is done. And I’m having a hard time holding on to consciousness. I’m beat from the gym and from getting everything done today.

Oh! Stuff I forgot about. I made an eye appointment for Friday, and rescheduled my doctor’s appointment for this coming Monday. More stuff on my list of productivity.

So yeah. That was my day. Zane and I talked so we’re on the same page again. I’m feeling connected to the here and now. tomorrow I work 5pm to 1am, but dinner will be done when I get home, so all I’ll have to do is eat, maybe clean the kitchen, then pass out.

I already have my to-do list made too. The morning is sort of crazy with some errands I want to get done, but the afternoon shouldn’t be too bad, and once I’m at work I’ll be able to knock out the bit of school work I have left.

I’m content with the way today turned out. I’m content with feeling tired and like I did a bunch, because I really did.

I’m going to go finish those last two tasks before sitting and enjoying the last hour or so of my night.

Weekly Saga 0014: The Mini-Vaction

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I figured I would do this while I’m at my computer and able / willing to do it. Last week wasn’t all that bad as far as ‘vacations’ go. I may not have gotten a whole lot done, but the thigns I did do were pretty heavy things. Overall I’m pretty content with it.

Things worth noting:

Began mini-vacation
Started Game of Thrones audio book
Messaged Clavan about moving from SAL to Finals
Got computer up and running
Lost / retrieved wallet again…

Got brows waxed
Phone recommendation for Rebecca
Restructured goals
Began work on tattoo design
4th of July on Saturday

Played Witcher 3 for a total of 24 hours

Prompt Page 0052: Going Obsolete

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“Of all the technologies that have gone extinct in your lifetime, which one do you miss the most?”

Hands down, the ‘dumb’ phone. Or at least the QWERTY keyboard on phones.

All I want is an email notification system. I don’t want Facebook at my finger tips. I don’t want a $400 camera in my pocket. I don’t want a “GPS Please Stalk Me” device.

I hardly even want to be able to call or text with it. Telling the time is sort of nice. I like being able to set alarms. I also like having my music and running apps.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally hooked into the ‘smart’ phone culture, just like everyone else. How will I live without Runkeeper? Or Omnifocus to tell me what I should be doing?

But seriously. I don’t want a Swiss Army phone.

And while I’m ranting about this. Can I please have the tactile QWERTY keyboard back instead of the BS touch screen which can never get my messages right in the first place which is really the main reason I hate smart phones?

If they’re so smart then why can’t they type right? Why is it the biggest pain in the ass to try to search for something online through my phone because I spend over half the time trying to type out what I’m searching for? Or correcting my text message? It would be faster to just call than to fight with the screen. Except oh yeah… I’m introverted and I would rather stab my eyes out than talk to people most of the time.

Maybe not that extreme… but you get the idea.

You would think with technology being the top priority of today that the phones wouldn’t suck so much. You would also think that since everything is on the Internet that access to it would be free. Like how breathing air is.

But it’s not, which is lame. And touch screens still don’t make the cut in my book, so smart phones are lame, too. All because it’s easier for me to type at a keyboard than on my phone.

Bring back the QWERTY keyboard to phones! Down with touch screen!