“As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?”

I honestly did want to be a ballerina when I grew up. Sort of cliché, but there you go.

I liked the idea of being able to dance. I liked the idea of being pretty. I liked the idea of being light and graceful and floating on air and twirling around on my tippy toes.

The reality of it is I liked the idea of being something my dad wanted me to be. He wanted a ballerina, so I wanted to be a ballerina.

I took lessons for a little while. I don’t remember them very much since it was so long ago, so far back in the past.

I remember my dad used to take me to practice.

There is one that I remember clearly. I’ve mentioned it before, in a previous post during the winter I think. It was towards the end of rehearsal. We were all lined up against the bar on one side of the room. I remember the parents were gathering at the other side, coming in through the door to pick us up, but they had to wait because we weren’t done yet.

When we were done I remember everyone running over to their parents. I remember warm smiles and love and warmth.

But I couldn’t find my parents. I couldn’t see them. So I stayed on the other side of the room, alone. Looking. Observing.

It was one of those moments where you have a puzzle piece fall into place. Like there is a physical, auditable click inside of your head. A key part of your very being has just unlocked and you now see the world through completely different eyes, a completely different perspective.

This is how forever will be.

I don’t remember how old I was. I don’t know why I had that thought, or how I even could have understood what it meant. How could I have any concept of forever, or of acceptance in society? How could I have this sense of calm existence, like I was an outsider, a foreigner, and this is how it was meant to be? That I was different, I would always be different, and that ultimately my role in life was to be an observer.

I am so far form being a ballerina that it’s almost laughable. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. I think like being a warrior instead. : )