I didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t toss and turn. I was actually asleep for most of the night. But it feels like I wasn’t. It feels like I was in a super light sleep that did nothing to relax and restore my muscles and mind.

My body is in zombie mode right now. I’m sore, I ache, I’m tired. I don’t want to do anything. I especially do not want to go run today.

My mind on the other hand is running on a hamster wheel of death reminding me of all the stuff I wanted to get done today. Which requires moving and stuff. Which is lame.

The clash is pretty annoying. I’m hoping that caffeine helps. I feel like chalking today up to being a wash. I’m not even out of my pjs yet and I want to throw in the towel.

Me: Ok, ok. I get it. You win, Universe. I need to take rest days. I got it. I promise to rest… after this 20 minute run… Is that cool? Will that count as a rest day? >.>;

Luckily today is only a four hour day as far as work is concerned since David takes the 9pm to 1am lab. I’m thinking that my main, number 1 goal for today will be ‘survive’. Anything past that is just adding to my level of awesomeness.

It might be part of being tired, but I’m feeling disconnected again. I’m pretty sure I know why, but I’m still working through it.

I guess this blank page is as good a spot as any to do it. I’m just going to throw all of the garbage in my mind onto the keyboard and we’ll see where that gets me as far as a better mental state goes.

Zane got called out of work again.

I figured this would happen. He said he would apply to new places, but I haven’t seen him actually do that since I think it was last Saturday. He is supposed to be helping is brother make a game that we’re supposed to test play Sunday, but he hasn’t been working on that either. He’s been sleeping. If he’s not sleeping he’s watching videos on Youtube and Chrunchyroll.

It bothers me. A lot. Like, insane amounts, more than I’m letting him know, because almost every person I have dated has done this. Unemployed, depressed, staying at home sleeping or playing games.

It’s frustrating to see from the outside because it’s easy to see where time could have been used better, where effort should have been put. It’s hard to be sympathetic because I still have to go to work and take care of stuff, and go to the store, and cook, and clean, and there’s that irrational four to eight year old in side me who wants to stamp her foot and say it’s not fair.

I honestly do think Zane’s behavior is being fueled by depression. And I think that’s why other areas of our dynamic are sort of stagnating. i’m frustrated with him, so I don’t want to cuddle or have contact as much, even though the lack of contact is hard for me and is part of why I feel disconnected. To further add to the situation, he doesn’t feel good internally so he’s not feeling the physical contact thing either.

I don’t know what to do to help get him out of this rut. And if I’m honest, I don’t want to really have a role in fixing the situation. I’ve had to kick myself in the past and push myself to get out of my own downward spiral. It meant more to me to do it myself. I actually don’t do well with people telling me what I ‘should’ be doing to fix my life. If anything that makes me dig my heels in and do everything except that one thing, just for spite.

“I can fix my own life, thanks, so shove off and go live your own instead of vicariously through mine,” sort of mentality. Not really the best mentality to have, and being aware of it makes it easier for me to see when I start doing things like that. Doesn’t mean I like outside commentary, though. I just means I know how to not murder people over it.

I want him to find strength and motivation within himself.

I want him to want something bad enough to actually do it. He has plans for the future, how in two years he’s going to move to California and be with Nic. He’s going to open his own hookah lounge. That doesn’t get him out of bed now though, and that bothers me. There’s nothing short term for him to work towards.

At least nothing that seems to motivate him enough to actually see it through. The game seemed to inspire him for a bit, but I don’t think it’s working any more.

What gets you out of bed when you don’t have a reason to leave it?

It’s frustrating. And conflicting because I understand why he is behaving the way he is, so I feel like my frustration is unfair. I would want someone to be understanding with me if I were in his position. I like to think I would be more proactive in trying to change my situation if I as so unhappy with it, though.

Annoying tangled yarn ball of dooooooom. Arg. >.<;

On a totally unrelated note because I’m tried to looking at negative things, yesterday was actually a pretty good day.

I had my training at 10am, which was surprisingly fun. I met a lady from Faculty Affairs who was awesome. We exchanged contact information and will most likely be trying to meet for tea at some point.

I also used the survey they send out at the end of training classes to voice my concern about the lack of support for the faulty. I mentioned how it would be easier for us to care for and support the students if we felt like we were being cared for and supported ourselves.

We’ll see if that starts any sort of revolution.

After the class I had time to kill before my lab at 1pm so I went over to our break room and proof read my daily post and got caught up on emails / blogs. Frank came in a little before lab started and we got to talk about Witcher 3 for a bit. It was fun to geek out over a game with someone. I haven’t been able to do that in a while.

Lab was uneventful. I got all of my brainstorming done for my first project. Even sketched through some ideas. There ended up being three that I felt were pretty decent concepts. I wasn’t able to pick which one I wanted to go with, so I scanned the concepts and posted them to my Facebook asking which one people liked more. I’m going to give it a few more hours and then pick based on that I guess.

I might just go with two designs. I have the time to flesh both of them out.

The SAL lab opted to take their break at the end of class, which meant I got out of work 40 minutes earlier than I was expecting. I ended up using that time to go to the store to get the chicken and veggies I needed for dinner. Originally I was going to do that after the gym, but this seemed like a better use of time.

Suffered through rush hour traffic, went to the store, came home, put all the food stuffs away. Zane hadn’t been awake for very long, but I was already starting to drag. I was tired and thinking about not going to the gym. We didn’t really talk, he was in the middle of watching something on his computer. I curled up in bed behind him for about 15 minutes, but it wasn’t relaxing.

I felt sort of ignored which was a lame feeling.

Eventually I got tired of myself going back and forth in my head about the gym, so I got up, changed, and went to the spin class.

I’m glad I did. I stayed for 40 minutes again. It was a little easier this time. Another 15 miles on my Runkeeper. /flex

I was pretty dead when I got home. Which, by the way, I walked to the gym and back. So add a half mile or so to my workout. Like a bawce.

I stayed in the living room for a while. I had some water. Eventually John came home and was messing around in the kitchen so I went back to the bed room. Curled up in bed again with a pillow over my head.

Yay emotional discord.

I don’t remember when but at some point I showered. I had leftovers for dinner because I was too tired to actually cook. So we’re going to be having the chicken dinner tonight.

I played Witcher 3 for a little bit. Got some side quests done, died a bunch. Didn’t really progress the story’s main quest line, though. Playing the game really wasn’t making me feel any better so I saved, logged off, and went to sleep, which I guess that didn’t help me either. Laaaame.

I know I should brooch this with Zane. I just don’t know how to do it without sounding like a jerk.

Me: “Hey. Look. I know you’re going through a hard time and everything… but seriously, suck it up and do shit.”

Blah. I don’t know if it’s even my place to say anything. I haven’t figured out the course of action I want to take, and that’s where most of my discord is stemming from. It’s why I’m frustrated and disconnected feeling.

I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter so much about what is ‘right’, as much as what would give me peace of mind. If I say something, at least I know my opinion and thoughts were heard, even if they do not change anything. I tried, and that’s all I can do.

So I guess on top of ‘survive’ I have to add ‘have a not fun conversation’ to the to-do list. Not cool. ;-;