Hey mom,
I know we talk all the time, and I know that I’ve had a lot of amazing conversations with you. I know that I dedicated part of my graduation speech to you, and I know that there have been many times where I’ve taken the moment to thank you, for everything.
I feel, legitimately, that if I were to suddenly fall over and die that you would be one of the few people in my life who I would feel I have said everything to.
You know I love you. You know I admire you. You know you’re my best friend, my confidant. I have written my feelings down in Facebook posts on Mother’s day year after year. Every major accomplishment in my life I attribute to your love and support.
That being said, I realized with this prompt that I have never written for you specifically on my blog. That may seem silly to some people. Wouldn’t the words in person, or spoken in front of hundreds of people be more special, more meaningful?
In a way, yes. But this blog is part of me. And you are such a huge part of who I am. You played the biggest role in my life, in shaping me into who I am, and yet I have never taken the time to write to you, to dedicate a page to you, in something that is so important in my life.
It’s so silly and yet I am left feeling awful because I have not done this sooner. Because I didn’t think to do it on my own.
No longer. This is your page, mom. This is a small fraction of everything I am thankful for. This is the barest glimpse of why you are so awesome to me. Why you really are a super hero in my eyes, and why I am the most fortunate person to have you as my parent.
First off, you put up with me and my craziness. All of the relationships I get myself warped up in… you patiently stand by and let me make my own choices, and looking back on it I can only imagine how hard it was for you to let me grow up and learn the hard way. Thank you for letting me experience those lessons. Because of them I was able to find myself. Because of them I know how to stand on my own, and what I am looking for in a partner, and what I expect from myself.
Along the same lines of putting up with me… Remember the time we were at Red Lobster, and I made the lobster dance around on my plate… and then the arm fell off in the middle of the dance and we couldn’t stop laughing? Or when we would go shopping together and I would teasingly walk on the back of your shoes until you turned around and glared at me with one of those “I love you so much I’m going to kill you,” sort of looks? Or when you would say you understood why some animals eat their young? Or how about when I stand behind you when you’re at the computer and start playing with your hair saying, “This gray hair in mine, and this gray hair in mine…”.
You make me smile, and you let me be playful. You give the best hugs ever. Ever ever. Like, in the rest of forever ever. No one can give a mom hug like you.
You know with one word over the phone, hundreds of miles away if something is wrong or not. It’s sometimes sort of annoying and yet amazingly comforting at the same time. It’s like a sixth sense or something. The ‘mom’ sense. I don’t think I could ever hide anything from you. The only way to do it is to not call, and then you know something’s up because I’m avoiding you. There’s just no way to win. XD
You stayed at home and took care of John and I when we lived with dad. We were always doing something. You would read to us, take us to the pool. Girl scouts, boy scouts, baking cookies, cooking dinner. Teaching me to cross stitch, learning sign language. Letting me practice the drums, taking me to marching band practice at 8am on Saturday mornings. Sitting through ALL of my marching band competitions. Supporting me when I wanted to go to Full Sail University even though it was all artys and stuff.
You carried on after dad left, and I won’t even pretend that I know how hard that was. I’m sorry I was so young and that I couldn’t have been more of a friend and support through such a hard time for you. Thank you so much for not giving up. For holding shit together when I’m sure the only thing you wanted to do was break down and give up.
And maybe this part isn’t fair to dad, but thank you for loving me enough to stay. Thank you for being there, for staying there, and for letting me know that no matter what that you cared. That you would always care, and that I was actually important.
Thank you for paying part of my student loans. I haven’t forgotten that I owe you that money, and I promise I’m on the road to being able to pay you back. Thank you for not telling me that I should get a ‘real job’ like so many other people have. I know you’re not thrilled that I’m still at the school, and I know with how much I’ve been complaining about it recently that it must be hard to not tell me to move on, but it means a lot that you haven’t and I appreciate it.
Thank you for sending me cards in the mail as little reminders that you still think of me. Thank you for the phone calls and voice mails when I’m unable to answer. Thank you for forcing me to stay in touch with you instead of drowning myself in work. Thank you for reminding me about what’s important in life.
Thank you for being you and showing me that you’re never too old to change your mind, to learn something new. You went back to school and set yourself on a totally different career path, and even though you think you’re not the most amazing RN in the world, in my mind you’re perfect. You did what you wanted to do, and that’s amazing. That’s an inspiration to me.
I don’t have to have all the answers right now, even though that’s what society makes it seem like. I can figure it out as I go. I can go down a path and then decide that I want something different. I’m allowed to be dynamic rather than static. I’m allowed to change, and you’re the one who showed me that.
You taught me that I’m allowed to feel. You taught me that my emotions are just as valid as everyone else’s. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand that. I’m sure I could have avoided a lot of un-fun situations if I had listened better.
Thank you for listening when I need to ramble through the confusion I feel sometimes.
Thank you for being human, and for showing me that even with flaws someone can be perfect.
You are amazing, and perfect, and the best person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I am honored to be your daughter. And I wish those words didn’t feel so hallow. They pale in comparison to the emotions I wish I could convey in this writing.
I love you more than I will ever be able to express because of everything you have done and continue to do for me. I love you because of your unconditional acceptance of who I am. Thank you so much, for everything I listed and the millions of things that I didn’t. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. And thank you, thank you, for being my mom.
I love you uber amounts of much. Forever and always.
Jen
I sent my mom a link to this post and this was the amazing reply I received the next morning.
___________________________________________
So I read your blog and I only have one question. Who is this person you are writing about and can I meet them??? They really sound pretty awesome. Can’t be me….I mean I am never that cool. : )
It was too amazing to read. There is something about having it down on “paper”. I have read it about 100 times…each time wondering if I really did all that. Because it really wasn’t as great as you might think. We did have some hard times, but we all got thru them. And I think it is more “one step at a time”.
I will tell you that the three of you are the reason I am who I am. I got thru the divorce because I had to make things as right as I could for you all. You gave me reasons to go on. I loved and still love you all more than you can ever imagine. So staying with you, being there….all the laughing and crying we did (and yes I remember the lobster and your walking on my shoes, your rearranging the gum at the checkout counter and the amazingly happy look you give me when I come visit)….well that was small in comparison to what you all gave me back. Being able to sit in the bleachers and see you perform at band concerts and competitions….seeing you grow into the young woman you have become….well that is just so amazing I can’t put it into words.
You are a pretty amazing person….and I pat myself on the back all the time about it : ). Because in some small way I am a part of that. You make me proud all the time. And yes it is hard to let you make mistakes. But that is how you figure out who you are going to be…..a pretty wonderful grown up! (who can get her car out of storage without her mom’s help!)
I can tell you none of it was work. Even when I thought it was. Looking back raising you was the best part of my life. Did I get aggravated with you at times?? Oh yeah! But then you would do something wonderful and I would claim you again. : )
The best I can tell you is “motherhood” is something really special. And until you go thru it you don’t understand it. That isn’t a slam to you….you are not ready. But when you are – look back on what I am telling you now. None of it is a bother or too much trouble and never did I think “gosh I wish I could leave and be alone”. I never once considered being without you all. You all are the best part of my life and me….something wonderful I had to privilege to be a part of.
I tell the young girls at my work….you will have the smartest, most beautiful, most amazing child ever. And they say – how do you know that? And I tell them….”well, I did it three times!!”.
Thank you for the most amazing blog ever. Although you have set the bar pretty high for me. Not sure I can live up to all that. : )
Love you huge bunches….see you in 2 weeks!!