Month: March 2015

Daily Post 0083: A Day of Therapy

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My hands, feet, forearms, legs, and I’m sure parts of my face, are splattered with paint. While the walls may have won some strategic battles, I assure you, they lost the war.

Today was a really nice day.

I woke up and started the day off with writing and coffee. I went to the bank and got the rent money for Joshua, and gas for my car. I packed most of the stuff in my bathroom up along with the things in my closet and on my bookshelf while I cooked a package of bacon.

I’m going to try seeing how bacon does with being reheated in the mornings. Most of the time I don’t want to wait for the bacon to cook to have it with my eggs. So hopefully reheated bacon isn’t lame, and I can have it with my breakfast through the week.

Sam came over around one so we could put more stuff in her car and head over to the new room. We were able to toss the couch, which is fantastic, along with a bunch of other junk that was left in the room.

Once everything was cleared out I took Sam to lunch as a way to say thank you for the help. We chatted for a bit, catching up with each other. She has a new job, which is great. I knew she had been going to interviews, but that was all I knew. I’m glad things are working out for her.

After lunch I went to Home Depot where I got paint and painting supplies. I went back to the new room and lost myself in music for the next three hours. It was basically my therapy for dealing with the events of this past week.

Tomorrow I will be doing a second coat.

I was originally going to go with a granite color, but seeing the room empty I changed my mind, figuring it would make the room too dark. I instead went with Silhouette as my base color. So currently all of the room is purple.

I plan to cut a band around the center of the room with a light blue color, which will have a white trim cutting the blue into tiles along the wall. In the tiles I’m going to take a sharpie and write all of the quotes and inspirational messages I constantly turn to when I need strength.

It’s not going to be done tomorrow, or next week. It’s most likely going to take a while to get 100% complete. But the main thing will be done tomorrow. The base color. And I’m so incredibly happy with how it looks so far.

Maybe I’ll take a picture of it.

Sometimes a canvas isn’t enough to get all of the emotions out. Sometimes you need a whole room.

Daily Post 0082: Status Update

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I spent a lot of yesterday sleeping.

The people came over to take the dresser, they also helped me get rid of the mattress and box springs, so that’s two huge things taken care of. I figured out what to do with the coach and table that were left in the new room, so moving wise everything seems to be falling into place.

Sam is going to help clear out the room around 1pm today. After that I’m going to clean the walls, then try to get some painting done. I have an idea for colors, but I want to see the room empty before I settle on anything.

That was my main highlight for yesterday. After the furniture pickup I went to my sports bar where I figured out my budget, did a bunch of random computer stuff and had lunch. I messaged Mother Earth and was told she was being discharged and heading home.

That’s another huge weight gone. So much emotional stressing. Arg.

I came back home and slept after that.

The night before I hadn’t been able to sleep, so I stayed up until around 5ish in the morning watching Wolf of Wall Street. I thought it was a good movie. Crazy long, but worth it.

After my nap I went to school for the PCC Critiques. We had three people from cyber land participate, which was awesome. Two of them were students when I went through the program, so it was good to see / hear them again.

After that was Tre’s “We’ll see you later party,” which consistent of buying pizza and cider from a CVS and watching Honest Movie Trailers at his apartment. There were five of us, and we only hung around until around 10. So nothing crazy.

I made a to-do list yesterday but I didn’t do much with it.

I also missed my 30 Day Challenge exercise so I’ll have to do two of those today.

With all of the stuff that was going on with Mother Earth I had emailed my instructor and Clavan to let them know what was going on. I told both of them that if the situation got worse I would most likely be heading to Texas. I also told my instructor that due to the situation, I wouldn’t be completing my assignments, and that I understood that would most likely fail me for this month.

I don’t mind. I don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t have been happy with my grade anyway. And that means that these past two days, and the two left in my weekend, I don’t have to stress over anything. I don’t have any expectations, or requirements from my work, life, or school. Nothing HAS to happen except going to the bank and getting rent money.

I feel sort of free at the moment. I feel like I was in a rough, stormy sea, swimming and trying with all my strength to stay above water, and now it’s calm. I made it through, but I’m so exhausted all I can do it float and let the water take me where it wishes.

Right now I’m ok with just floating. Recovering.

I feel extremely low key. I don’t really want to be around many people. The idea of painting, headphones playing my music, doing a fairly repetitive, mindless task, sounds nice right now. Therapeutic even.

I should be testing for my aikido belt. That’s today. And if I go to the dojo in the next 30 minutes I could do it. But I’m not going to. Not today. I have no one to be there for me. I haven’t practiced my extra technique, and I know at least Sensei Jan, maybe Sensei Beata, would pick up on the fact that I’m still not fully balanced.

So no, not today. Maybe at the end of April.

That’s about it for an update.

Life is still moving forward, and even though I’m stumbling a little, I’m keeping up with it somehow. Go me.

Daily Post 0081: Road to Recovery

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I got to talk to Mother Earth today.

She is still in the hospital. But she’s doing better, and I got to hear her voice.

She said things would be ok. And on a logical level I know that.

I don’t know what I am emotionally. Small steps. I’ll figure it out.

Musing Moments 0023: 30 Day Challenge – Day 14

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Time. There never seems to be enough of it. If only we had a few more hours each day. And extra day in our week. We could get all of the stuff we want done, with grace and ease, and life would be perfect.

At least that’s normally the vision we have inside our heads. More time would solve everything.

The truth is we don’t need more time, we just need to understand our tasks better, and possibly manage the time we do have a bit wiser than what we currently are.

Today we’re supposed to clock all of our activities. Literally, everything. How long to you normally take for breakfast? Getting ready for work? How long is your commute? How long to you spend talking with co-workers? Cooking dinner? Helping kids with homework? How much time do you spend bonding with your significant other (or in my case, cat)?

This helps to make us aware of just where all of those seconds, minutes, and hours actually end up. They don’t evaporate and magically disappear. So where do they go?

Are there some activities that maybe we should invest less time in? What about activates that we aught to put more time into? Any activities that should be dropped completely, or added?

This is another day that requires a healthy dose of honestly. How much time do we really spend on Facebook (or WordPress… not that I’m guilty of that or anything…)?

So that’s part one of today.

Yep, it’s a two part day.

The other half is about getting a little more familiar with our to-do lists; specifically with the tasks we put on them.

We’ve been making our lists for a few days now. We’re sort of comfy with the whole routine. We make it at the same time, same place. We put a bunch of tasks on our lists, and hopefully, we are able to check things off of it throughout our days.

Well, today, we become a little stricter with our lists. Today we’re supposed to look at our list and find our ‘frog’.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day

– Mark Twain

The idea is to find the one task that you DON’T want to do that you actually have to get done today. Like, the house will catch on fire, bad juju will occur, serious consequences if left undone, sort of task.

Normally it’s something that’s a bit more involved than the other tasks, a bigger project, or there’s going to be some resistance to it. Or maybe you just don’t like it. Whatever the case may be, figure out that one task that is sort of looming over you that you absolutely have to get done.

Do that task first. Get it done , out of the way, and off your mind. Start your day with your steep, uphill climb, then the rest of the day is easy downhill from there. At least that’s the theory of it. : )

So the homework for today is to:

Log the time you spend on actives
List your ‘frog’ for the day

Today my frog is completing the grading for the CRI1 class. This task isn’t all that hard, but I have to get this done before 9pm, and I actually want to do most of my other tasks, where I’m sort of dragging my heels on this one.

I guess this is my queue to stop procrastinating with WordPress and to actually go do my job… Lame…

30 Day challenge – Chalene Johnson

Daily Post 0080: A Title Goes Here But I Can’t Think of One

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Mother Earth is in intensive care right now at the hospital.

I don’t know what else to write.

I’m exhausted. My eyes hurt from being tired and from crying.

I wasn’t able to hold it together the whole day. I tried.

I had messaged Mother Earth last night for the dates of the wedding. I wanted to request my time off even though it’s more of a diplomatic thing. I wouldn’t show up to work even if my request were denied.

She had responded a while later saying that she would get me the dates as soon as she got back home. At the moment she was at the hospital.

I texted back, “Hospital?”

A little while later I got a reply. It was Josh. He was using Mother Earth’s phone. She had said she had chest pains, and they were getting worse, so they were at the hospital. They would keep me posted.

I wasn’t very worried at the time, though looking back at it I suppose ‘chest pain’ should have been a huge, “WFT, not good,” flag.

It wasn’t until later this afternoon that I noticed a post on Facebook from Josh saying that Mother Earth was in an ICU and that she could use our thoughts and prayers.

After reading the post I was in instant shut down mode. I focused on everything, literally everything else expect that fact. It wasn’t real. It was just information floating around in my mind that I was going to avoid.

And for a while I was successful.

I got the rest of my podcast recorded. I brushed Scarlet. I did some pointless, irrelevant chores that I can’t remember. I went to the gym and practiced for my kyu 6 test and taekwondo. I talked to my mom about how we were going to get my furniture to Orlando.

All the while this box that I had shoved all of my emotions into was rattling. Building.

After the gym I was went to the craft store to get the thread that I needed, and that’s when it started becoming too much.

I focused on breathing. I focused on the road. I focused on everything that wasn’t inside of my head, and even with that silent tears kept running down my face, and I couldn’t stop them.

Somehow I got in and out of the store. Some how I made it home. But once I was inside, alone, I lost it. I cried. I felt helpless. I felt weak. I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt useless. I felt so horribly alone.

After a little while I opened my laptop. I wanted to message Josh.

Instead I saw that I had a message from Tre. I replied to it since I haven’t talked to him since Friday. It came up that he was at school, and I asked if it would be ok if I came by to see him.

“What type of question is that? COME HERE NOW!!!!” What his response. It made me smile.

I said, “Just to give you fair warning, I might come unglued a little bit.”

When I got to school there were a handful of people around. We watched Tre’s reel, which came out amazing. But eventually he asked what was going on in ‘Jen land’. So I told him.

I said it out loud.

Mother Earth is in intensive care right now.

More tears, but not hysterics. I gave myself points for not losing my shit in front of everyone.

He let me talk through all of the facts I know, which isn’t much. He listened. He kept me grounded while this void opened up under my feet.

We stepped out of the lab for more space, more air. It helped. Moving, being up helped. It made things feel more real. We talked about facts. I said I knew she was at the best place possible, where she will be able to get the help and care she needs.

I said I knew if I was on the outside of it I would have a battle plan and I would be taking action and I would be making sure everyone was taken care of, but that right now my brain can’t process this information.

When faced with the thought of Mother Earth not being here I can’t think any more. I don’t know how to handle that information. I have no place for it in my head. No spot for it to go. This information is wrong, it can’t exist. It doesn’t function in my world.

Mother Earth has to be here. I have to be her maid of honor. I have to cook zucchini fries for her. We have to have pillow talks and laugh about how boys are stupid.

My world can’t function, can’t exist, if she isn’t in it.

That’s what is going through my mind right now. And I know that makes me sound weak. I know that makes me sound dependent. I know that it’s stupid and childish.

Of course I can function with out her. People lose loved ones everyday, and they continue to live. They wake up and keep living their lives. It can be done, so who am I to say I can’t.

But that’s what it feels like. It feels like everything will stop. That time will freeze. That I will never move past that point in time if it happens. There will be no more after that event. It will be as if the TV were turned off in the middle of an episode, and the audience will be left wondering what the true end was.

We’ll never know.

That’s what it feels like. I can’t see life without her in it. In my world she has to be there, and when faced with the reality that she may not, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t fly out to Texas. I can’t be there to hold her hand. I can’t make a deal with her, that if she’s strong for me I’ll be strong for her. I can’t hold Josh and share the burden with him.

I can’t do anything but sit in front of a computer. One that part of me wants to throw against the wall and shatter into pieces because that’s what it feels like is happening to me right now. I want to be destructive. I want to rage at life. I want this to not be happening.

I want to be a weak, scared child, and have my Mother Earth pet my hair and tell me that everything will be ok. And I want to be able to believe that everything will be ok. And maybe if I were on the outside of the situation, away from all of these emotions I would see that everything will in fact be ok.

But I’m not there. I’m in the middle of it and all I can see is darkness, and all I can feel is fear and desperation. I want to do something. Anything. One thing, any thing, that will make all of this ok. Right all of this wrong. And there is nothing I can do. Literally, nothing, except wait.

I feel like the monsters are real. I feel like they’re going to win.

How am I supposed to be an Earth Dragon without my Mother Earth?

Musing Moments 0022: 30 Day Challenge – Day 13

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Relationships are the focus of day 13. This was the day that I dropped off the second time. Not so much because it was hard and I wasn’t ready for it. It was more because I became so introspective that I needed to take a step back and hardcore analyze my life.

Who was I associating myself with? Who were my friends? What state were my relationships in?

The first time I got to this point in the challenge I realized how weak I had let my most important relationships get. My relationship with my mom and brothers, my relationships with my friends from college. The handful of people I still cared about from high school.

I had been so focused and wrapped up in my own internal battles that I had withdrawn from the people I loved, and it took this challenge for me to realize just how far I had pulled way from the world.

I realized what relationships I had in my life that were negative and dragging me further down even though I was doing my best to stand up. I realized how that negativity was eating away at my efforts.

So this can be another really intense day. It’s another day that calls for brutal honesty.

Today’s homework is to look at the relationships in your life and to identify which ones aren’t healthy for you, and which people in your life push you and encourage you to be a better person. What relationships deserve more of your time and energy, and which ones might be better off falling to the wayside?

Unhealthy Relationships

It pains me to list Ari here. I have interacted with her a handful of times this month, passing each other in the halls, and it has been fine. But I feel it is more a ‘calm before the storm’.

Part of me wants to hang out with her, and to be able to go back to the pub and have drinks and a fun time, but I don’t think it would stay that way. I know she still has feelings for me, and I don’t know how to contend with that when I have already stated what I am comfortable with as far as our dynamic is concerned.

I’m not sure what else to do other than to keep my distance, which doesn’t solve the problem. Keeping my distance feels like a band-aid, letting infection fester under the surface. I have already been open and honest, I have already spoken my words. What other remedy is there? What can be done when those words are not respected and honored other than to walk away?

This is something to meditate further on. However, this is the only relationship in my life with any sort of infection.

Inspiring Relationships

My family will always push me and inspire me to be my best. Without their love and support I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. My mom and brothers are always there for me, even when I mess up.

My mom said it best when she said, “If any of you turned into a serial killer, I would be mildly disappointed.” That is unconditional love and acceptance, and I will always be grateful for having my family members in my life.

Mother Earth is another person who makes me strive to be the best I can be. I want to bring her honor, for her to have pride in who I am, and pleased with the person I am becoming.

I want to be an inspiration to her. We’re both striving to better ourselves. If she can do it, so can I. And if I can do it, so can she. We’re each other’s strength.

She is the Mother and I am the Dragon. We are both Earth. Different facets of the same diamond.

Sensei Jan. I’m not sure why I am so drawn to him. And I feel bad that I feel closer to Jan than Beata, because I love them both. But there is something about Jan, much like Mother Earth, were there is an acceptance and understanding. Some connection which I cannot explain in words. It is simply a feeling, and as an INFJ I am very protective of this vulnerable and misunderstood aspect of myself.

I cannot express it, but I will defend it, fiercely, to the very end.

I feel we are both warriors, that he is my mentor. Not just for aikido, but in life. I respect him. I feel he is honorable, and of good character.

There is a level of understanding, unconditional acceptance, like from my mom and Mother Earth, which might be why I’m so comfortable around him. It’s ok if I mess up, if I am not perfect. He will still be there. He will not be upset or get frustrated with me.

He will still clasp my hand as if we are commands in arms at the end of training, before I leave the dojo for the night. He will still smile and bow to me, and I will return the action as a sign of respect and honor. We will still make inside jokes, and tease each other about ‘bringing it’ when we’re about to practice a technique.

He didn’t think I was silly, or immature for my anger about the bank. He understood where I was coming from.

He’s a guy, a male, who accepts me for me, without the worry or expectation of a physically intimate relationship. I feel safe around him, and I feel like he understands that and understands how much it means to me.

He’s helping me to remember that friendship and love are more important than the feeling of bare skin, and that it’s not wrong of me to value those things more than physical intimacy. Just because most of my age group doesn’t seem to hold the same views as myself, doesn’t mean that I am ‘wrong’. It’s ok to be me, weird and quirky, seeing the world through vastly different eyes than those around me.

Often it’s like I am talking to myself when we have conversations. We have the same views, the same principles and morals. It is as if we are of the same cloth, the same clan. He and Beata are part of my inner circle now even though I have not known them for very long, and I want to be a better person for them. I want them to have pride and honor is calling me their friend.

I feel I need to invest more time into these key relationships. Especially with Mother Earth. I do not stay in touch with her as often as I feel I should. I need to make time for the people who are important to me, just as much as I need to make time for my projects and homework.

Everything is a balancing act.

30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson

Prompt Pages 0040: The Day the Earth Tilted on Its Axis

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Occupy Daily Prompt

Write about how your world (or another person’s), or your attitude/perspective of the world/life changed because of a dramatic event or particular experience.

I feel like I have had so many, it’s hard to pick just one. A lot of them I have mentioned or wrote about fully, so there’s also the added weight of finding something I haven’t written about.

There is one event though, one I don’t think I have written about yet.

When I was going through college there was a guy named Derrak. He had super long, curly, grungy hair, wore black t-shirts, and was your classic ‘metal fan’ type of guy.

When I first met him I was mildly terrified, and immediately figured we would never have anything in common, and that I could be polite and nice, but that’s about as far as it would go.

Derrak ended up being a very good friend. He is actually the person who got me interested in Character Rigging because he would sit and show me all sorts of awesome things. Extra stuff that wasn’t being taught in the class.

He was a year ahead of me, and so he graduated before I did. He stayed around for an internship or two, but eventually he left. We stayed in touch through Facebook, but it was always more of a, “We’ll talk later,” situation.

We were both so busy. Always busy and pushing things back until later, until tomorrow.

Derrak ended up fighting against cancer, a battle which he lost.

He was only a few years older than me. My age, young, ambitious, living the dream.

And he died.

There wasn’t a tomorrow… There wasn’t a “We’ll meet up later,”. There was nothing. It was over.

It was a very sobering moment in my life, and I spent a lot of time angry at the world. Derrak was my mentor. How was I supposed to function without him there? What was the point of doing anything if all we do is die in the end? Why was I putting all of this effort and time into trying to be better, why was I beating myself up for ‘not being good enough’ when I was going to die, just like Darrek?

This event happened shortly after I broke up with Warren #2, while I was living in Clavan’s living room. It was before my first 30 Day Challenge.

I spend days in bed trying to figure out why I should do anything.

I eventually found my reason. The one that works for me, and the one I have lived my life by for the past two-ish years.

My purpose is to be happy. My purpose is to live life as fully as I can, to experience as much as I can. It is my life, and as long as I live it the way I feel I should then I am doing it right. It doesn’t have to make someone else happy. That’s why they have their own life, so they can make their own choices.

I actually did a presentation about this very event for my students last year.

It can be viewed here if you are so inclined.

Daily Post 0079: Back to Hating My Shins

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Yesterday was sort of lame.

I didn’t get to sleep until 5am, and still woke up at 7am to do laundry. You know it’s going to be a rough day when you’re too tired to finish your coffee.

I packed up all the laundry and left the apartment. I took vinegar with me because I read online that you can use white vinegar to whiten cloths instead of bleach. So I was going to try that with my gi and hope that I didn’t mess anything up.

I had started writing my Challenge post, but didn’t post it until after I was at the laundry mat. I wanted to get there before everyone else did, which is why I go so early in the morning.

It was a dreary day, which didn’t help to wake me up.

It was a little rough reading my old ‘Self Talk’ assignments. I actually did end up finding one older than the one I posted about. That was was even worse. I listed 20 things I said to myself back then. It was hard to read, to remember those feelings.

But it was inspiring to see my positive affirmations, and to know that even though I struggled with them at first, that they stuck. That they seriously changed my life and that I’m a better, stronger person for having changed my out look.

So that was rewarding.

I didn’t have much drive for anything, so I created a new Pinerest board. I really enjoyed the ‘Strong’ IF Challenge where I drew the women in the yoga pose. It was a lot like figure drawing. So I made a board where pinned a bunch of cool poses that I wanted to draw.

That took me up to the point where laundry was done. My gi isn’t as white as I thought it would be, but I think it is a little whiter… I don’t know. Maybe a little bleach wouldn’t be a bad thing. It’s icky looking from so much sweat. Even a little blood. No tears yet, so it’s not fully broken in.

I came back home. I didn’t put the cloths away. My shin had started bothering me, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. I figured it was just a little sore from running so hard on Sunday.

I ended up messing with my Curves Tool scripts for a while. I got the tool fully updated and integrated with the new additions. I got an outline created for my podcast demo, and even started recording it.

There are 8 parts to record, and I’m about halfway through them.

I ended up running into an issue with one while I was demonstrating it. I spent more of my night trying to figure it out, only to realize that it was an issue with the scene itself and not the script. Talk about frustration. I was trying to fix the wrong thing for two hours, when all I needed to do was delete something. /flips tables

Oh well. Drove that lessen home… Be more aware of the scene you are working in. Got it.

I took a nap for a little while before working on the script. I had planned to run to Jo Ann Fabrics because I need a skein of thread for Tre’s project, but my shin started seriously hurting, so that killed any motivation to leave my room.

It was almost too much to walk out to my car to go to work. It was hard to breathe through the pain. It’s only my left shin, and it’s only along the inside of my shinbone. It feels like a crowbar is bashing against it though. Shattering it. It wasn’t to the point of tears, but it was close, and it sucked.

I wore my compression sleeve all night, which helped a little, but I spent most of my time rolling around the lab in my computer chair rather than walking to avoid putting weight on it.

When lab was over I went to the down stairs break room. I would have had to crawl up the stairs to get to ‘me desk’, which didn’t sound fun or worth it.

I had gotten Chinese food for dinner and had left it in the break room before I went into lab. I finished it off while I tried to fix my script, which is when I realized my silly error. At least I got it figured out before going to sleep.

One I got the script ‘working’ again I packed up and came home where I went to sleep.

I had two dreams last night, which I wrote about. Not sure how I feel about them. I’m going to be checking my wallet shortly to make sure I still actually have my card…

There’s a woman interested in the chest of drawers. Not sure if I wrote about that or not. She’s going to have her husband come by Friday to pick it up. So that’s cool.

Mom and I are trying to figure out how to get my futon and a few other things down to the new apartment during spring break. Originally I was going to fly home and drive a UHual back to Florida on my own, but plane tickets are $300… WTF?

It’s only $211 to fly to Vegas… which is like… three times the distance. Seriously…

So we’re still kicking ideas around. I might take a train home. I would rather not do bus.

I’m feeling alright this morning. Low energy since I’m still recovering from not sleeping much the other night. My leg still hurts, but not as bad. That might be because I haven’t walked on it aside from making my coffee.

I didn’t go to aikido last night, and I don’t know if I’ll be going tonight either. It depends on how my shin feels later. Today is supposed to be a two-mile run which totally isn’t happening.

I hate it when my body hurts. Hurts as in, “is injured.” This isn’t muscle soreness, this isn’t being lazy, or something I need to work through.

This is I pushed too hard and now I’m having to deal with the consequences. And it sucks. It hurts just enough to pull my thoughts away from what I would rather be focusing on. And just enough to make me intimidated about moving. But even staying still hurts, so it’s not like it’s benefiting me to say in bed.

Frustration. Gah.

So I don’t know what I’ll be doing today. I have school work that’s due, so I need to get my block out done before tonight. Brain storming for my other assignment would be good as well since that’s due tomorrow. There’s also grading that Clavan wants done before Thursday evening.

Overall I think I have a handle on things. I just wish I didn’t feel wounded.

Dragon Dreams 0003: Lost Card

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I think I had two dreams, though they were very similar.

In the first I was going to buy an apartment. I drove and parked at a building, but it wasn’t at a leasing office. Instead I parked in front of the veterinary clinic, the one I used to take Scarlet to when I lived with my mom.

I walked inside. I remember there was a really long corridor with other people. It was like being inside of a hospital. Totally not how the actual clinic is set up. There was a shopping cart. I ended up pushing it down the corridor as if I were going grocery shopping, though I didn’t pick anything up. I’m not sure why I had it at all, why it was even there.

Even in the dream I thought it was weird, but it seemed like something I was supposed to be doing, so I did it.

When I got to the end of the corridor Kari was there, the property manager from La Aloma.

She was so happy to see me. She said she had been waiting for me and that the paper work was ready and just needed to be signed.

I left the shopping cart to the side of the corridor, trying to put it out of the way so it wouldn’t mess with anyone. I followed Kari as she went behind a counter, one like a doctor’s office, where there is a glass window separating you from the person. She got some papers then came back around and started explaining it to me.

I was getting a prorated month, so when I only owed in I $150 the first time I paid. I couldn’t figure out what my normal monthly expense was going to be though, and she never really answered my question about it.

She was being so nice and ‘helpful’ that I didn’t press the issue. I didn’t want her to think I was silly, or slow for not understanding the information.

She gave me the papers and I turned around to go fill them out. There were round tables behind me, like the ones at my YMCA. There was an empty table a little ways away, so I went to it to fill the paper out.

I read over the papers. I remember reading the numbers. I remembered worrying that I wouldn’t have enough money. There was a stack of napkins on the table, and I took one, scribbling ‘Power’ and ‘Internet’ onto them, because I realized I would have to open new accounts for the apartment, and there would most likely be deposits that I would have to pay, in addition to the apartment fee.

Feeling uneasy about the expenses, I took my wallet out. I was going to pay, though I don’t remember for what. The money for the apartment wasn’t due until I moved in which wasn’t happening yet.

Either way, I opened my wallet to get my debit card and it wasn’t there. Everything else was as it should be, but in the slot where my debit card was supposed to be there was nothing.

I couldn’t remember using it anywhere. It was as if it had never existed, like I never owned one.

I remember feelings of panic. What was I going to do? Where was the card? How was I supposed to pay for anything? How was I going to make it for the rest of the day, or buy anything else that I needed to?

I don’t think I really woke up, but there wasn’t any more to that dream.

The one I just had was very similar, though much less detailed.

I was standing somewhere, and again checked my wallet to see my debit card missing. I remembered using it at Publix, so I began retracing my steps mentally, trying to figure out where I could have lost it.

That’s when I woke up.

Musing Moments 0021: 30 Day Challenge – Day 12

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This was one of the roughest days for me in the past. Actually, this is where I dropped off the first time I did the challenge. I couldn’t do it. The second time I made it past this day, but there was still a lot of pain involved. And still another rough day in the not so distant future that knocked me out the second time.

Pain? With goal mastery and productivity? What?

Yeah… This isn’t just about goal mastery, and that’s one of the things I didn’t know or understand the first time I went through the challenge. So when I got to this day I was totally blindsided.

Today’s video title is “Be Your Own Coach”, and it focuses on changing our inner voice. Most of the time we put ourselves down. Our work isn’t good enough. We’re not successful. Why do we even bother? We’re never going to be as good as so-and-so.

All of these horrible things we say to ourselves, and we say them so often that we start believing them, and sometimes even forget that we’re saying them at all. We just accept these comments as part of who we are, part of our identity.

I fully believe that for most people,
the most abusive relationship they have
is with themselves.

I know that’s how it was for me.

Today’s assignment is to write down five negative comments you say to yourself. Physically write them down on paper, and acknowledge that your brain says these things to you.

Then, take your pencil, pen, blood coated quill… whatever… and scratch through those lines.

Those phrases aren’t true.
They don’t deserve to be on your paper.
They don’t deserve to exist in this world,
or in your mind.

Then you’re supposed to write the opposite of those phrases. Rewrite them as positive, first-person, present tense affirmations.

So, the first time through, I didn’t make it past this point. I sat at my desk with my blank sheet of paper, and I couldn’t write the words down because it hurt too much to acknowledge how awful I was to myself.

I have the list from the second time I went through the challenge. I saved it to my Google Drive, and I’m actually happy I did. I want to share my original, my first, writing, so I can show how much healthier my relationship with my inner self is.

It is so interesting to go back and reread my words, and to see how even back then I was determined to try to learn how to love myself, and how I already thought of myself as a warrior. I had no idea that part of my mentality reached so far back.

Original Self Talk Comments

Negative:

1. I am a failure
2. I make a lot of mistakes
3. I am stupid
4. I am socially awkward
5. I am unattractive

Positive:

1. I am successful. I am moving forward with where I want to be in life. I am taking each day one at a time, and I am constantly making progress. Rome was not built in a day. Just because I am not at my end goal yet, does not mean I am a failure. Encountering mistakes and setbacks does not make me a failure. It means I have learned. The only way I can fail with anything; a project, a task, a goal, is to give up on it. As long as I keep trying I am successful.

2. I may make bad choices, and I may make mistakes, but I learn from them. These are lessons and the only way they become negative is if I let them. These lessons are meant to make me a more well rounded person. They give me experience to draw on in later situations. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, and they do not make me a bad person.

3. I am extremely smart. I am able to pick up new skills fairly quickly. I am able to be resourceful and to manage myself. I am able to take a larger, seemingly overwhelming goal and break it down into the small steps I need to take to make it achievable. I am brilliant, and highly intelligent.

4. I may be introverted and dislike social situations, but that does not mean I am socially awkward. I give awesome speeches, and I touch a lot of lives. My words are powerful and influence people.

5. I am attractive. I am gorgeous. I am a warrior and it is only a matter of time before my physical body reflects the person I feel I am on the inside. I am strong, determined. I am amazing, and no one should make me feel bad or awkward about myself physically, mentally, or emotionally.

I said a lot of really harsh things to myself in my past. But even I am inspired by the positive statements I wrote. I can see my younger self sitting at the same desk where I broke down and cried and quite the challenge the first time because I realized just how hateful I was towards myself.

I didn’t deserve any of the comments I would say to myself, but that was the only mentality I knew. I hated it, but didn’t know how to change it. And I wasn’t ready to take that step. I was changing so many other things about myself at the time, that this exercise was more than I could handle at the time. And there wasn’t anything wrong with that.

But in this original post, a writing from a little over two years ago, already I can see that spark, that fire. It’s there in the words I wrote, not knowing that I would one day come back and read them over. Already I begin to take myself in hand, giving no quarter to those comments that plagued me for so long, for a majority of my life.

I am inspired by my past self, and it gives me more drive and determination than ever. My younger self has come so far. My younger self has gotten me here, to this day, and I will continue to honor her by continuing on this amazing journey.

So, I am happy to report my comments are not as negative as they once were, but I sometimes still catch myself saying things which are unkind or undermine what I am trying to do, which is lame…

Here are five things I
REFUSE to say to myself any more. 

Negative Comments:

1. It won’t come out right.
2. You shouldn’t have done that.
3. Maybe you really aren’t trying hard enough.
4. You’re a slacker.
5. [Insert situation here] is too much.

Positive Comments:

1. The situation will turn out how it’s supposed to. There is no ‘right’. What is ‘right’ is a vision, a fantasy, inside my head. Just because I might not match it 100% doesn’t mean that the situation didn’t come out ‘right’. It turned out how it was supposed to. “In life we may not always get what we want, but we usually get what we need.”

2. I did do that. And most likely, at the time, I thought it was the right choice. I shouldn’t doubt or second guess myself afterwards. I need to hold true to my convictions. I should continue to stand behind my actions because I always do my best, and I always try to make the honorable, moral choice.

3. I really am trying hard enough. I’m actually most likely trying too hard. I doubt my effort because I know there is always room for improvement. I know in hindsight I will see ways that I could have done something better, or more efficiently. I look back and see opportunities and moves that I missed. That should in no way make me feel like I am not giving it my all at the current moment. I am, I always do, and I will continue to try my best. Which is all I can do. No one, not myself, not the people around me, not even the Universe itself, has the right to ask for anything more than that.

4. I am NOT a slacker. Fuck you, Evil Voice. And the horse you rode in on. I will stomp you into the ground with my daily posts, which show, clearly, that I am not a slacker. Far from it. And the days that I do ‘slack’ I feel are justly earned. I’m allowed to have days off. I’m allowed to sleep in on some days and do nothing other than enjoy existing. I’m allowed to rest and relax, just like everyone else, guilt free. Say slacker one more time. I dare you. I double dare you.

5. [Insert situation here] is just right. It’s a challenge. It’s making me stretch and test myself. It’s not easy, which is why I’m doing it in the first place. There’s a pay off in the end that I feel is worth it. There was a reason for me tackling this endeavor, for wanting to scale this mountain, and when the going gets tough I need to step back and remember what that reason is. Why am I doing it? What was it about this mountain that called to me? It’s not too much. It’s not too little. It’s a mind game. It’s just right.

So ha! Take that, Evil Voice.

You may have changed the things you whisper to me, but I’ll still confront you and I’ll force you to admit that the things you are staying are untrue.

I’m a bawce, and amazing, and you can’t keep me down.

30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson