work

Evening Reflection 009: Girl, Wash Your Face

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Daily Summary: 
I feel like a broken record saying I didn’t sleep well, but alas… here we are. Me, bemoaning my inability to sleep, and you, poor reader, being subjected to the monotony which is my life. 

Since I wasn’t able to sleep, I called Ox as he was driving to work. We chatted for a little bit. He encouraged me to try sleeping again once we got off the phone. I did. Was able to sleep for about seven-ish hours. I didn’t feel rested when I woke up. I felt like crap actually. 

Super congested. Sinus pressure all up in my face… no bueno. 

I took meds. Called Ox to let him know I was awake. He ended up coming over after work with wonderful burritos of love. We had lunch together. I read him a lot of my previous posts on Monday while we were together. I got him caught up on the other posts. I also let him know I had responded to an email from a mutual friend. Not sure about a code name for her yet. 

The point being, Ox and I got some time together before work which helped me feel more connected. Even with being sick and the day being super winding, it was a nice reminder that maybe at some point I won’t wake up feeling like crap. 

Work was alright… I got my first Quality Correction. That means I messed up something and had to go back and fix it. That wouldn’t have been so bad except an hour or so later I got another one… Fuck you, Universe. You’re messing up my goal of getting a 4 on my scorecard. 

I type that, at the same time I’m grateful the mistakes are getting caught and I’m trying not to focus on the negative side of things. These are growing opportunities. I want to learn from these moments of feedback rather than internalize them as the QC department being jerks or letting it eat away at my sense of self-worth like acid. I’m going to mess up and that’s ok as long as I learn from those mess-ups and do better in the future to not make the same mistakes. 

So work wasn’t “bad”, but there were some not cool feelings to work through. 

I started listening to Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I like it so far. It’s a very authentic writing style. The audiobook is read by the author. I think there’s a specialness in that. You hear the words as they are meant to be heard. I can relate to a lot of her stories. I especially like the chapter about “No” so far. I just started the chapter about “sex”. With her amusing writing style, that chapter might end up winning out on my favorites list. 

I’ve responded to a few things on Facebook. I am almost done with my cross-stitch. I might stay up until it’s finished. It’s that close. Maybe another hour or so of work. Since I can keep listening to my book while I work on it, the chances of me going to sleep once I’m done writing like I’m supposed to are in the 0% probability range. 

Random Ramblings:
One of the things I value about Girl Wash Your Face so far is the honesty in the chapter about “Loving him is enough for me”. 

In it, Rachel talks about her first relationship. There was a lot that I related to in relation to Joe; my second boyfriend. She talks about how she didn’t blame her boyfriend for the way he treated her. And maybe that’s not the right way of saying it.

She acknowledged that she allowed herself to be treated that way. That even though his actions made her feel bad, she didn’t speak up or stand up for herself. 

That’s how it was with Joe. There were a lot of times I allowed him to treat me poorly, and I accepted it because that’s what I thought a relationship was. I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I thought if I did more, loved more, gave in more that eventually, he wouldn’t treat me like crap. That he wouldn’t lie to me anymore. That he wouldn’t do all of these things that he hadn’t done in the beginning. 

I acknowledge that I played just as much a role as he did. Was his behavior wrong? Oh, for sure. But my behavior allowed it to continue. I didn’t call him out or hold him accountable for things. It wasn’t until I started finding value in myself that I began to understand I had a choice in how I was treated. I didn’t have to take it. I didn’t deserve it. And it was within my control to walk away. 

It’s one of the reasons I am at peace with ending the dynamic I recently did. 

People treat us how we allow them to treat us. 

In my world, friends who curse at me through emails are called “not my friends”. Even my younger brother, with all of the valid reasons he has for cursing me out and as hot-headed and opinionated as he is, respects me enough to not curse at me. 

I like how Rachel doesn’t paint her first relationship as a “he was such a bad guy” story and instead owns her own role in the situation. It helps me feel more ok with the mentalities I have about my previous “bad” relationships. They weren’t awful people. They had good qualities about them. They also had issues, just like I did. I was an active participant in the dynamic and in the result of that dynamic. 

I own my past self. My insecurities. My mistakes. My hurts. I also own the lessons and insights those situations gave me. They went into making me who I am and why I have the mentalities I do. 

We choose how we let people treat us and sometimes the healthiest, kindest thing is to choose to walk away.

Evening Reflection 008: Maybe Getting Better!

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Daily Summary: 
I didn’t sleep well last night. Surprise. Surprise. 

I kept getting progressively more congested. It wasn’t until midnight that I was able to take more Mucinex. Once I was able to re-up on meds I made it to sleep. With still being symptomatic I rescheduled my dentist appointment for next Friday. Hopefully, by then I’m over whatever this congestion crud is. 

I have more hopes of getting over it sooner rather than later. After going back to sleep this morning, I woke up feeling better. I wrote for last night, which I skipped out on in the hopes of actually sleeping, which failed… I also wrote for this morning. Ox and I chatted a little, as did John and I. 

I got a text message at 11:40 saying my internet would be down until 2pm. I messaged my supervisor an image of the text. Luckily the internet was restored, at least for my apartment, at 12:30, so I was able to log in for work on time. 

As the day progressed I continued to feel better. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Got to wash my new collapsible containers. I have a bunch of little ones for meal prep. For Christmas, Mama Ox got me bigger ones for storage purposes. Instead of freezing meat in plastic bags, I can use the larger containers. I can also use them for freezing the extras for my larger meals like chili and such. After a few trial runs, I felt like they were safe to get more of. I still have Christmas/Birthday money on my Amazon account. Decided to get more of the containers since I liked them. Since they were delivered to the house I wasn’t able to actually get them until yesterday.

Now I have them at the apartment and I can use them to my heart’s content. Organized dragon is happy. <3

I opened up the windows to air out the apartment of my sickness. Also started washing the bedding so I’ll have nice, fresh sheets to sleep in rather than sick yuck sheets. 

I made a tuna cream cheese spread. It turned out pretty good. I think more of the cajun seasoning would help it out, but overall it’s worth keeping the recipe. Also a huge fan of the keto ziti recipe I found. I’ve missed red pasta foods. 

I’ve been able to stitch a fair amount today. Hoping to complete the project I’m working on by the end of the week. 

Ox went to sleep early today so there’s no evening chat, but I’m ok with that. We said goodnight while I was on my lunch break. I still have one more load of laundry I would like to get done. I’m content with the surprising amount of chores I was able to complete. With how I felt when I first woke up I was resigned for today to be another slack day of sickness fighting. 

Random Ramblings:
Not really a whole lot on my mind to ramble about. With how heavy some of my other writings have been, I’m cool with not trying to figure out life for one night. 

Evening Reflection 007: Food Fairy

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday was nice. I had counseling. She supports my decision. I picked up my meds after. That was $80 I didn’t have to spend. Sort of have to have Synthroid though. Ended up using the credit card for the purchase.

I went to the house and spent some time with the cats. That was super adorable. Dagger’s eyes got sooooo big when he saw me taking off my shoes. He proceed to smother me with cat cuddles. I’ve missed both him and Saber so much. 

Ox originally suggested we go somewhere to celebrate our 4-year anniversary / Valentine’s day. True to our relationship we ended up ordering a pizza instead and hanging out at the house until I had to leave for work. He also was kind enough to snag me a few energy drinks since I didn’t have any at the apartment. Oh! And Mucinex! Oh my god, I got more sinus meds from the house and it was amazing. <3

It was an extremely pleasant way to spend the morning.

Work was decent. I had a coaching session to go over my scorecard for last month. I’m sitting at a 3.14, which is pretty awesome for being my first month out of training. It’s already above average and I’m still in the probationary period. John’s score isn’t as high as mine, so there’s some inner tension there.

My supervisor and I came up with some realistic goals for me to achieve. I’m sitting at a 3.4 for the month of February so far. We’ll see where it ends up by the end of the month. The highest possible is a 5. I want to get to a 4.

After work, I tried going directly to sleep which resulted in hours of sleeplessness. Curse you, Sinuses! Once I finally got to sleep I was fine, just took forever to get there. 

Random Ramblings:
This isn’t so much of a ramble as it is a story I don’t want to be lost. I want to cherish this memory and so it will have a spot here, in the pages of my life.

The other week Ox surprised me with soup for lunch. That alone was a positive experience but more ended up happening. Originally, Saturday I was going to the house. I placed my uneaten food in the freezer Friday night so it wouldn’t go bad over the weekend.

Well, going to the house ended up not happening. Instead, I went back to the apartment and took the food out of the freezer, resigned to my fate that I wouldn’t have anything to eat for a little bit.

On the off chance that the Food Fairy had come to the apartment while I was away, I opened the fridge door. And *poof* seafood soup, ready and waiting to be enjoyed. 

Best. Day. Ever. 

I couldn’t help but giggle that there I was, an adult, thinking about the Food Fairy mom always teased me about and my wish for something to eat came true. 

I shared the story with Ox and he got a chuckle out of it too. 

Evening Reflection 003: Pre-Burrito

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Daily Summary:
I didn’t get to sleep until after 4am this morning. I called Ox and talked to him as he drove to work; that’s something I haven’t done in weeks with our schedules being opposite now. It was nice; reassuring. I needed to hear his voice after spending hours inside my own head. 

I sent an email ending my unstable dynamic. I mentioned that as my #1 concern right now. I’m not proud to say I did it over email. There’s a lot that I’m feeling in regard to this situation and I still feel this isn’t the safest place to talk about it. That’s ok though. I was able to talk to Ox and my brother. I was able to work through at least some of the emotions enough to have fitful sleep from 5am to roughly 8am. 

John and I talked extensively about his house buying adventure. Currently, if everything goes as planned they will close on the house 03/15. I still need to fill out the application to take over the lease for the house they’re renting. I won’t be able to do that until next Friday. Can’t afford the application fee until then. 

That lead to a long conversation about the mother-in-law. I was also able to share what was going on in my life. 

I rested for a while after my call with him. I was still in bed when Ox surprised me. He came over with Seafood Soup from the Chinese place we really like. It made it feel more ok to get out of bed and face the world. 

As far as sickness goes. I feel fine. I’ll have a productive cough once in a while, but that’s it. The soup helped my sinuses. Nice, warm, and full of memories from previous times we’ve had soup together. 

Ox left shortly before I started work. I had another graded call. Scored a 100. I found out next week we will have individual sessions to review our scorecards. That’s cool. Mine is above average so I feel ok about it. This card is also still within our “probationary” period, so it doesn’t actually count. Nothing else really exciting in the realm of work.

I finished both cross-stitch projects I was working on. So that’s cool. Reached my goal.

I got text messages from a former coworker. We chatted back and forth for a bit. Most likely won’t be able to see each other for a while. We’re trying to figure out something that works for both of us. Life doesn’t make that easy. 

And here I am, at the end of the night, surviving my anxiety.
 

Random Ramblings:
I don’t really want to ramble tonight. I have stuff on my mind. I’m sure there are things I could work through or analyze. I’m not though. I need to be my friend for a while, and right now that means being a blanket burrito without inner judgment. 

Evening Reflection 002: Losing Space

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Daily Summary:
Today wasn’t bad. Still a little on the tired side, but health-wise I feel so much better it’s crazy. I got a handful of things done before having to clock in for work. John and I are still figuring out what’s going on with the apartment/house.

So a bit of backstory about that… He and his partner have been looking at buying a house. They’ve been jerked back and forth a bit and so they figured they would wait, then they were looking again, then they were seriously going to wait this time…

Now they have made an offer on a house, it has been accepted, and all everyone is waiting on is for the inspection to take place.

So… John and his partner are looking at having me take over the lease for the house they are currently renting once the lease for my apartment is up. The rental house isn’t in an ideal location, but there are some serious perks to having a house rather than a 3rd-floor apartment. All of this hinges on the inspection going well, so we’ll see. I should know within the next 5 weeks what’s going on in that regard. 

That involved a lot of conversations this morning plus a lot of crunching numbers. 

There was a mini-meeting at work to go over a few changes which recently rolled out, plus covering some topics for what’s on the horizon. Other than that work was pretty chill. I finished cleaning the kitchen during my lunch break since yesterday sort of ruined the whole “taking care of it tomorrow” thing I had going on Monday.

I’ve finished up my evening email stuff. I’m almost done with writing, which will be the last of the computer bit. Then it’s a shower and most likely sleep for me. I might cross-stitch a little. I’m getting close to the end of the project I’m working on. It’s hard to stop stitching when it’s so close to being finished. >.<

Random Ramblings:
My random ramble, the topic I want to write about and figure out, I can’t. At least it feels like I can’t. I am back in the situation I used to be in with Sir where I have shared this space with people in my actual life and now I feel like I cannot write freely for fear of it being taken out of context. 

I fear being confronted with things I am not ready to talk about; that’s why I write about them, to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. I fear their anger. I fear their misunderstanding. It’s exhausting to constantly worry that what I say or do is going to be wrong. What I have already typed is most likely too much.

It sucks. It’s disheartening. It feels like I’ve lost a cherished, sacred space.

I know I will grow past this fear. I know I will figure out this aspect of my life but for right now I am saddened. Since I can’t write what I truly want to write about there doesn’t seem to be much point in writing at all. 

Evening Reflection 001: Better Late than Never

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday sucked. I had a sinus headache of doom. From 2pm-4pm I felt like death would feel if death wanted to die. Luckily that turned around. I kicked the thermostat up to 80 in the apartment. I bundled up in my blankets and prayed to the queue gods that I wouldn’t get a phone call. Eventually, I started feeling warm. I started sweating which helped. The nausea I had been fighting against lessened and I was able to drink and eat things. The headache started going away and my sinuses started draining.

I took two Benadryl, NyQuil, melatonin, and Motrin last night. Even with all of that, it wasn’t until I plugged in my heating pad and warmed up my rice bag that the tension in my neck and face relaxed enough for me to be able to sleep.

But holy fuck was sleep amazing. I feel so much better right now than I did yesterday. So yeah… that’s where I was. Sucking it up and getting through life while being sick. Not the best day but god was the sleep worth it. 

Random Ramblings:
I had no random ramblings yesterday. My brain was too busy hating me to let me think.

Daily Post 005: Recap and Unpopular Opinions

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Still rocking the whole “new method” thing for posting. Posts in the evening are my quiet reflection time where I can write about the day and any randomness I might have on my mind. Because of that, I can see these being my longer posts. I also intend to end the day with another gratitude section. I think that will help, both starting and ending my day acknowledging something I’m grateful for. 

Anywho… on to the good stuff. 

Daily Summary:
Today has been nice. The weather was warmer and it was sunny. There wasn’t an awful wind, biting through my skin chilling my bones. I’m still waiting for it to be summer. I’m still waiting to be able to enjoy a summer rather than working constantly or being in nursing school. Maybe this year will be the year.

I got a lot of my meal prep done. Not all of it. Still haven’t swept, mopped, or run the dishwasher. I still have time before going to sleep since I work late shifts now. Maybe I’ll still find the gumption to get all of it completed. Even if not, I’m content with all the things I was able to accomplish in that regard. 

Work was nice. I wasn’t as active in the Jabber chat my team has. Instead, I did a lot of computer training things. Each month they send out an email with “recommended” courses to take. A lot of them revolve around personal development. It’s where I got the idea to change the way I post. If it’s in smaller, seemingly more manageable sections, maybe I’ll be better about returning to my habit of writing and reflection. 

There’s actually been a lot of things recently that I have been incorporating back into my life. Reading is one of them. Nelnet has its own library on Overdrive. While most of the books available there are professional development and such, there are other books which have actually been very interesting reads. Atomic Habits by James Clear was one of them. Also, The Seven Necessary Sins for Women and Girls by Mona Eltahawy. While Atomic Habits gave me behavioral changes and actions which I can incorporate into my life, The Seven Necessary Sins was extremely thought-provoking. I enjoyed both books.

I’m almost done listening to Radical Candor by Kim Scott. While this is aimed more at managers or people with direct reports, it can be applied to anything in life where there is human interaction. Even in relationships, there is a need for feedback and clear communication. I have about an hour left in the book. I’m hoping to finish listening to it once I am done writing as I cross stitch.  

I spent a lot of time on the phone with Warren today. We talked pretty extensively about covid along with borderline personality disorder. He was able to give me some insight on issues I have been struggling with and I in turn was able to listen to some of the stress he has been going through. 

It was a connective conversation and I’m glad we were able to talk.

I finally mailed out a birthday card for my nephew. It’s going to be extremely late, but at least I sent one. John signed it as well. We’re both trying to get better about the little things. 

I saw Ox today. He came over after work. We had lunch together. With my schedule being opposite of his now, we don’t get much time. His covid test was negative this morning. I guess that’s something I should mention since I write so infrequently now…

Ornery Ox was not feeling well last Friday. His rapid covid test was negative, but Monday the results for his PCR test came back positive. So… we all quarantined for the recommended 5 days, all of which we were asymptomatic. So… Thursday or so when Papa Ox took a rapid test which came back positive quarantine started all over again. 

I’m still doing fine. Ox is negative and feeling fine. Mama Ox has been fine. And Papa Ox feels like crap, but is doing better. 

And that’s about it for my day. Pretty chill. Got a decent amount of stuff done over the weekend which carried over into today. It’s a slightly frail feeling, but I’m doing better than I was about not being depressed and I’m going to keep trying to foster that in the days to come. 

Random Ramblings:
And here is where I’m going to ramble a bit about covid. 

I don’t want to get the vaccine. This sort of came to a head the other night in one of my dynamics. Several people have expressed how it would make them feel better if I got it, but the other night was the first night I felt pressured to do so. 

I did a search to figure out the difference between “shots” like the flu shot and vaccinations. There isn’t a difference. The flu shot is a type of vaccine. The term shot refers to it being an injection. Vaccine refers to the type of shot; one that facilitates immunization. The length of immunization doesn’t matter. It could provide immunization for a lifetime or be required yearly, as in the case of the flu. Length of immunization does not differentiate if something is a shot or a vaccine. 

So there’s that. I’m ok with that information and it helps clarify things inside my head.

Since I had to quarantine, I looked up CDC guidelines for quarantine and isolation. The only reference I had to go by was from 2020 and I wanted to know if anything had changed from then to now. 

This is where things get dicey for me. 

If you are fully vaccinated, you don’t have to quarantine, even if you test positive for covid. 

What the ever-loving fuck?

Hear me out, or don’t, that’s ok. This is where I get to ramble and there’s no obligation for you to read what I write/think, nor to like it.

But seriously? What the fuck? Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you’re not spreading germs. It means the effects of those germs, ideally, do not affect you as severely. You still have active, living, germs in your system and you are spreading them, regardless of vaccination status.

This whole situation is infuriating. The CDC has gone from being a respected source of guidance pre-Trump, to being so severely undermined by the government no one listened to them peri-Trump, to doing damage control and trying to gain back some semblance of respectable standing post-Trump.

With how society lost its collective fucking shit over a 2-week lockdown, it feels like the CDC is trying to appease the masses.

CDC: It’s ok that you have a highly contagious virus all up in your respiratory tract. You got the vaccine so it’s totally ok for you to go out unmasked and breathe all over everything so the virus continues to circulate. Especially as it continues to mutate. We definitely want to get those variants spread around!

Not actually said by CDC

For fucks sake. It’s not vaccinated versus unvaccinated. It’s humanity versus the fucking virus but no one sees it that way. It’s all finger-pointing and who’s fault is it. Anyone with covid on their hands touching things, anyone with covid in their system breathing around other people, that’s what’s causing it to spread. No the unvaccinated endangering the vaccinated because they’re the “filthy spreaders”. That’s not how the chain of infection works. 

Infectious shit doesn’t care if you’re vaccinated or not. The only thing the vaccine does is potentially mitigate your symptoms. It doesn’t reduce your level of contagiousness to others. 

This is literally the worst fucking group project in my life. >.<;

The people in my life who I have spoken with about this topic over the past few days continue to respect my choice without making me feel bad. They have concern for me, yes. They have also expressed their love and acceptance of me and that while it would hurt for them to lose me, they will not force me to do something I do not wish to do.

Which leaves me… nowhere. I have no answer on how I am supposed to navigate this situation. I feel like getting the vaccine isn’t the core issue within my dynamic. I feel like it’s something deeper than the vaccine and the covid issue is just a surface-level detail that will be replaced/displaced as time goes on. If I become vaccinated then it will shift to how there are breakthrough cases and I still might die. If I have the sniffles or don’t feel well it will be nearing the end of the world. What happens if I have to go to the actual doctor? 

On a deeper level, I feel like this concern stems from a fear of my death, but I am mortal and I have a higher chance of dying in a car crash than I do from pretty much anything else. I can’t death proof my life and I would rather live what life I am able to without feeling like I sacrificed my autonomy and personal beliefs for an issue that will never be fixable, avoidable. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to have this conversation. This feeling sucks and I wish there was an easy answer; one where everyone felt ok. 

Gratitude:
I’m grateful for my apartment. I’m grateful for the solitude I have had tonight to write and be with myself. I don’t think I’ve really figured anything out in regards to my covid situation, but I do feel better about reflecting on my day and actually writing. We’ll see where all of this goes. 

Daily Post 002: Monday Funday

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It’s Monday. Woo. And here I am at the end of my day actually writing. Double woo!

I shoveled snow with Ox yesterday. We even did some work in the addition. It’s going to be a long process. I’m hoping as we get small things done, momentum will build because there will be visual progress. Here’s to hoping.

It was nice being able to do things with Ox other than computer games or sleeping. It was nice to be up and moving around rather than going crazy because it was yucky outside and I couldn’t go anywhere. 

I put two more puzzles together with Mama Ox and Lil’ Ox. That was fun. Did some prep work for things I wanted to get accomplished Monday (today). I also finished Atomic Habits by James Clear. It was a good book. I still have some chapters to take notes on. My plan is to finish my note-taking throughout the week. 

This morning I woke up, let my car heat up, then stopped at Target before going to the apartment for work. I needed a few things for meal prep. Once at the apartment I set up my new keyboard and mouse.

Going to have an introverted geek moment real quick… My new keyboard is sooooo quiet. Soooooo quiet! It’s amazing. Best keyboard ever!

Training for work was pretty uneventful this morning. I’m ahead of the other people in my group so the trainers let me do my own thing while they focused on others who needed more one-on-one time. I’ve found a lot of different “new hire” activities. I also have done a lot of “Professional Development” computer courses because I have nothing else to do and I don’t want to sit around doing nothing.

The Professional Development stuff is actually pretty cool. A lot of the ones I’ve been doing center around Emotional Intelligence and such. It’s a fun way to spend my downtime.

After lunch, my class was in “ready” status, which means we were in the queue to take calls. I got one… one call… all day… Not really complaining. I still have mild anxiety when I take a call since I’m all new and stuff. At the same time, I know I’m not going to get over my anxiety until I take more calls and prove to myself I can do this job without dying because for whatever reason answering the phone is terrifying. #INFJ_Problems

I found out John has covid. That news sucked but it wasn’t the end of my world like when I found out about Jason and his wife. Maybe because I went through this scare once already I was better able to handle the news. I think it also helps that John’s a 15-minute drive from the apartment.

Because I didn’t go to his New Years Eve party, which caused him to be pissed at me, I wasn’t exposed, so I was able to pick him up Dayquil and Nyquil. I think he’s reconsidering the whole being pissed at me thing…

I was able to leave the meds for him and his partner on the front porch. We were able to wave to each other. I don’t know… seeing him up and moving around made him having covid not as scary. Don’t get me wrong, he looks and sounds miserable, but he isn’t a billion miles away. I do think that helps keep my fear in check. 

After I was done being an amazing sister, supplying loved ones with drugs, I got a bunch of cleaning done at the apartment. I have a bag of stuff for Goodwill again. I finished cooking not too long ago. I haven’t finished my cross stitch like I was hoping to. I didn’t start my new puzzle either. I guess I’m alright with that, though. Today has been a decent day overall. 

I did find out my health insurance is expired… I have to call HR and figure that out tomorrow. I got my new eye insurance card set up. I rescheduled the dentist appointment I had. Originally I made it while I was working at DaVita. Since my schedule is drastically different now, I had to change the time. 

I talked to my cessation coach. Things are going well in that department. I’ve been keeping my cigarettes in the car while I’m at the apartment. If I want to smoke I have to go down three flights of stairs, smoke outside in the cold, then come back up. I can’t get them unless I’m on a break since I can’t be away from the computer that long. That helps cut a lot out because fuck stairs. Oh. And cold, snowy bullshit… yeah, fuck that, too.

I have some thank you cards I need to write. I already pulled the cards out so I can take care of those tomorrow. 

The morning routine I outlined yesterday went fairly well today. Not perfect since I didn’t start out at the apartment, but I was able to get nearly everything done, so that’s a good feeling. Lots of green marks from all of the tasks I accomplished. I’m mostly through the evening stuff, too. More good feelings. 

Since I have about an hour before bedtime, I’m going to go for now. Maybe I’ll be able to sneak in a bit of stitching. At the very least some reading. That would be a nice way to end everything; some quiet personal time.

Daily Post 001: Starting 2022 With an Apology

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First post of 2022. That means Daily Post numbers reset. Woo. At the same time… I only wrote 10 times last year… That’s something to reflect on at a later time.

For right now, let us start off with the most obvious INFJ thing to do… apologizing. XD

I’m sorry, Universe. I don’t really hate you and it was unfair of me to use those words when cursing you out in my previous post. I’m not sorry I called you a mother fucking son of a whore because sometimes you are one. But I am sorry that I lashed out and used inaccurate words to express my feelings of frustration and helplessness. You do not deserve hate; after all, you’re only doing your job even if during the moment it makes you look like an insensitive bastard.

I do love you and I appreciate all of the good things you have given me and allowed me to experience.

Hugs and Kisses – A slightly Less Rage-Filled Dragon

I felt better after writing. I talked to my therapist about it during our session Monday evening. She was proud that I utilized a healthy and effective coping mechanism to release the emotions rather than keeping them bottled up inside or potentially doing something less than healthy. I didn’t write for people to be proud of me. In all honesty, it’s a bit of a struggle not to feel shame when rereading some of my words. At the same time, I know what I felt, and I know I’m not alone in those feelings.

We all, at some point, reach a breaking point. That’s human and I would rather not feel shame for being human; after all, there’s not much I can do about that. I can either accept that sometimes I act with less than perfect grace or spend my life resenting myself for something that can’t be changed. That sounds like a waste of energy, so I would rather acknowledge that it happened, apologize to the offended parties and reflect on how I could have handled the situation differently in hopes of doing so in the future.

Moving on to the other concerning issue of my last post… The kids and all family members are feeling fine. No one has had symptoms of covid. Christmas was enjoyable. Lil’ Ox loved the puzzle I got for her. We put it together Friday evening. For me, it was only 300 pieces, but that’s the biggest puzzle she’s done so far. Everyone was impressed that we were able to complete it in one sitting. It was an enjoyable experience and I’m glad I was able to spend time one-on-one with her.

She wasn’t a huge fan of the makeup palette I got her, but she did like the sparkily snowflake nails. Maybe she’s still too young for makeup, maybe she’ll never like makeup; either is ok. If it’s not something she’s interested in there’s nothing wrong with that. I try to instill in her the knowledge that she’s perfect the way she is. The makeup was simply a gift if she wanted to play around with it; it wasn’t an obligation.

I spent the majority of the week at the apartment. It’s hard being away from the cats. I have grown to love them, which may sound weird, but it was part of the healing process for me. I got them specifically because I was having a hard time trusting and loving after mom’s death. I knew eventually the kittens would teach me how to love again and they have. So now, being away from them is hard. It’s quiet, lonely even, at the apartment by myself. It’s hard being away from Ox as well. Maybe things will change in the near future with my lease ending at the end of May, but for now, during the week I stay at the apartment most nights and try to get as many Cat Cuddles in during the weekend.

Cessation has been going well. I was at around six yesterday. Six when before I was doing 30 or more. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear and listening to The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. Both books have interesting points and insight into human behavior. Both books have given me much to think about and reflect on.

Part of what I’ve struggled with, during the end of my time with DaVita and even into the present with Nelnet, is returning to habits I once had. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up with everything. Shame, guilt, fear, feelings of being a failure… All sorts of stuff. Atomic Habits especially gives me clarity on why some things work and others don’t as far as habits are concerned and where the obstacles I am facing may be stemming from.

I think a lot of it comes down to uncertainty about my identity. Who am I? What do I stand for? What are my beliefs?

That had basically eroded away to nothing by the time I left DaVita, and without my previous job defining me, I had nothing to go off of aside from the feelings of burnout I was left with. Not much of a resource when you’re trying to figure out who you are, what’s important to you, or what you want your purpose in Life to be.

If I tell myself I’m a failure, that’s on me. That’s me allowing myself to assume the identity of a failure, even if I don’t want that identity. Our brain believes what it hears, especially when it comes from our internal voices.

I am not a failure. I am not weak.

I am extremely strong-willed and capable. I am a warrior. I am a fierce dragon. I am loving, compassionate, committed, and determined.

This isn’t a “new year, new me” mentality. It just happens that I began reading these books at the end of 2021 and am writing now in 2022. This was happening not because of the new year. It was happening in spite of it being a new year.

My current goal is to work on my daily habits/routines; especially those regarding the morning and evening. I need that structure back in my life, and while I have haphazardly stumbled and fumbled my way back to some of my pre-DaVita normalcy, there’s still a lot that is found lacking.

I have my sheet created, not only of habits I already do, but the habits I want to return back to, why I want to go back to them, and how/where I can fit them into my currently unstable routine to ensure they get completed.

I’ve unknowing been working on environmental architecture; arranging the apartment in ways that reduce the friction for certain tasks. Since I’m working from home, part of that architecture has been designating specific areas for specific tasks. “This is purely work”, “This is only for sleep”, “This is only for working out”

It would be easier to separate things if I wasn’t keeping my brothers room off-limits. He moved out a while ago to be with his partner, but he still pays half of the rent, so I’ve kept the room for him. Having a whole extra room would be nice and helpful, but for now, I’m doing alright with what I have. Bit by bit I’m arranging things the way I want and that not only feels good but visually having order and structure helps calm my brain. It gives me a sense of security. Everything has a place and is in that place. All is right in the Dragon Den.

So yeah, I’ve unknowingly been doing some of the suggested things in the books. Others I’m now consciously aware of, which means I can consciously leverage those concepts in my life rather than being pleased when unconscious intuition turns out right.

On the subject of consciousness… When I step outside for a cigarette now I have a new habit; one which I am hoping will deter me from the habit because it now has a “negative” reward.

Which… all of that goes into what Atomic Habits is about. We do something because the “reward” at the end is something we want. Turn it into something we don’t want and we no longer want to perform the actions which lead to the “reward”.

So… whenever I have a cigarette I take a red sharpie and I slash a line over my wrist.

I know that may sound extreme, but hear me out on this…

When I was in high school I self-harmed as a way to cope. I didn’t talk about my feelings. I internalized them, and cutting became my method for releasing the emotions. Fast-forward to my first healthy relationship; my partner did not want me to self-harm.

Completely understandable. I didn’t want to self-harm to begin with. I didn’t want to feel worthless, unseen, unloved, and all of the other things I was feeling. I wanted to be able to share my emotions. I wanted to be able to trust people and feel connected and like I had value.

That lead to me promising not only my partner but also other extremely important people in my life (who continue to be important people in my life) that I wouldn’t self-harm. I would reach out and talk about what I was feeling before hurting myself. I learned that hurting myself hurt others and though conversations may be hard and there would more than likely be lots of tears, I felt better after talking with safe people than I did when I hurt myself.

This brings us to the past few days of reading and meditating.

Smoking sucks. For lots of reasons. And if we look at cutting versus smoking, smoking is way way worse than cutting ever was. So each time I step out and have a smoke, I’m effectively self-harming. The only difference is cutting gives you a visual cue that you’ve done something. You have a reminder that “hey, you did this thing that you said you wouldn’t do”.

Smoking doesn’t have that. At least, for me, it didn’t until now.

My red lines are my reminders that I choose to dishonor myself. I choose to light up and inhale poison into my body. It was a choice. No one made me do it. Choices have consequences, even if they are long-term and do not affect my present.

I now have a way to visually see what I am doing to myself. I am hurting myself. I am breaking my promises. And by hurting myself I am hurting those that I care most about.

I know some people may feel that my method is a bit extreme, and I agree. It is extreme. It’s most likely not a method for everyone. It doesn’t have to be for everyone. It needs to be for myself. When I think of how many marks my arms would be covered with had I done this from the beginning, I’m saddened. I have hurt myself so much for so long. It makes me realize that smoking, for me, was a cry for help.

“Help. I can’t do this on my own. Help. I don’t know how to cope with how I feel. Help. I hurt. Help. I’m scared of this social situation. Help. Help.”

Every time I stepped out to smoke at work it was to try to get just a few minutes to hear my own thoughts. Or when mom died; it was how I could get away from people and hurt alone because I didn’t know how to hurt around others. Not at that intensity anyway.

I am sorry for my past self. I am sorry I wasn’t there for her. I’m sorry I didn’t listen more when she said she wanted to quit.

So yeah… That’s what a lot of my weekend has been. Listening to how I can get back to my life and figuring out how to make the negative choices I’m making more apparent and real.

I’ve been cross-stitching a little bit. I’m hoping to finish the pattern I’m working on today. I haven’t colored since earlier in the week, but I’m ok with that. I have my projects with me if I feel the urge to work on them at some point. I would like to finish at least one of the books I’m reading, which I can do while I stitch.

It’s a cold day today. It snowed last night, which lead to a spat with my brother about New Year’s plans. That’s a writing for a different day. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I’m going to have breakfast with the family and be content with a quiet day.

Again, I’m sorry, Universe. I don’t really hate you. I love you, truly, even if you are a mother fucking son of a whore sometimes.