Daily Summary: 
I feel like a broken record saying I didn’t sleep well, but alas… here we are. Me, bemoaning my inability to sleep, and you, poor reader, being subjected to the monotony which is my life. 

Since I wasn’t able to sleep, I called Ox as he was driving to work. We chatted for a little bit. He encouraged me to try sleeping again once we got off the phone. I did. Was able to sleep for about seven-ish hours. I didn’t feel rested when I woke up. I felt like crap actually. 

Super congested. Sinus pressure all up in my face… no bueno. 

I took meds. Called Ox to let him know I was awake. He ended up coming over after work with wonderful burritos of love. We had lunch together. I read him a lot of my previous posts on Monday while we were together. I got him caught up on the other posts. I also let him know I had responded to an email from a mutual friend. Not sure about a code name for her yet. 

The point being, Ox and I got some time together before work which helped me feel more connected. Even with being sick and the day being super winding, it was a nice reminder that maybe at some point I won’t wake up feeling like crap. 

Work was alright… I got my first Quality Correction. That means I messed up something and had to go back and fix it. That wouldn’t have been so bad except an hour or so later I got another one… Fuck you, Universe. You’re messing up my goal of getting a 4 on my scorecard. 

I type that, at the same time I’m grateful the mistakes are getting caught and I’m trying not to focus on the negative side of things. These are growing opportunities. I want to learn from these moments of feedback rather than internalize them as the QC department being jerks or letting it eat away at my sense of self-worth like acid. I’m going to mess up and that’s ok as long as I learn from those mess-ups and do better in the future to not make the same mistakes. 

So work wasn’t “bad”, but there were some not cool feelings to work through. 

I started listening to Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I like it so far. It’s a very authentic writing style. The audiobook is read by the author. I think there’s a specialness in that. You hear the words as they are meant to be heard. I can relate to a lot of her stories. I especially like the chapter about “No” so far. I just started the chapter about “sex”. With her amusing writing style, that chapter might end up winning out on my favorites list. 

I’ve responded to a few things on Facebook. I am almost done with my cross-stitch. I might stay up until it’s finished. It’s that close. Maybe another hour or so of work. Since I can keep listening to my book while I work on it, the chances of me going to sleep once I’m done writing like I’m supposed to are in the 0% probability range. 

Random Ramblings:
One of the things I value about Girl Wash Your Face so far is the honesty in the chapter about “Loving him is enough for me”. 

In it, Rachel talks about her first relationship. There was a lot that I related to in relation to Joe; my second boyfriend. She talks about how she didn’t blame her boyfriend for the way he treated her. And maybe that’s not the right way of saying it.

She acknowledged that she allowed herself to be treated that way. That even though his actions made her feel bad, she didn’t speak up or stand up for herself. 

That’s how it was with Joe. There were a lot of times I allowed him to treat me poorly, and I accepted it because that’s what I thought a relationship was. I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I thought if I did more, loved more, gave in more that eventually, he wouldn’t treat me like crap. That he wouldn’t lie to me anymore. That he wouldn’t do all of these things that he hadn’t done in the beginning. 

I acknowledge that I played just as much a role as he did. Was his behavior wrong? Oh, for sure. But my behavior allowed it to continue. I didn’t call him out or hold him accountable for things. It wasn’t until I started finding value in myself that I began to understand I had a choice in how I was treated. I didn’t have to take it. I didn’t deserve it. And it was within my control to walk away. 

It’s one of the reasons I am at peace with ending the dynamic I recently did. 

People treat us how we allow them to treat us. 

In my world, friends who curse at me through emails are called “not my friends”. Even my younger brother, with all of the valid reasons he has for cursing me out and as hot-headed and opinionated as he is, respects me enough to not curse at me. 

I like how Rachel doesn’t paint her first relationship as a “he was such a bad guy” story and instead owns her own role in the situation. It helps me feel more ok with the mentalities I have about my previous “bad” relationships. They weren’t awful people. They had good qualities about them. They also had issues, just like I did. I was an active participant in the dynamic and in the result of that dynamic. 

I own my past self. My insecurities. My mistakes. My hurts. I also own the lessons and insights those situations gave me. They went into making me who I am and why I have the mentalities I do. 

We choose how we let people treat us and sometimes the healthiest, kindest thing is to choose to walk away.