Daily Post 033: To My Keyboard

Hello, dearest Keyboard.

Yes, you, Keyboard. This is for you.

You who I have typed on through this whole year. You who randomly double spaces every so often which most of the time I can ignore and correct while other times it provokes a level of irritation that can only be matched by lag during an MMO PVP match.

I realized I’ve never acknowledged you nor your contribution to keeping me going through this past year.

Every time I think about writing it’s you I think about sitting in front of. You who allows my fingertips to dance, playing the music in my soul, sometimes smooth and lulling, other times chaotic with the anguish and rage of my grief.

It’s you who had been consistent for me through all of my ups and downs. You who I constantly turn to. You who lets me bleed away my pain onto blank, white digital sheets of paper scrawled with red squiggle lines of doom because the computer loves to tell me that I don’t know how to spell.

I’ve missed you, Keyboard. I’ve missed having someone to talk to.

I miss mom.

I had left a voice message for John the other day. There were four parts to the message, all pertaining to different things. When he called me back he said, “What’s up?”

Me: Did you get a chance to listen to my message?

John: Yeah, I listened to about half of it. I got the gist of what you were saying so I deleted the rest of it.

He deleted the part where I told him I was feeling better from going to the urgent care clinic. He deleted the part where I said I had my first 12-hour shift at work and that I felt like I would be ok with the workload and my new career.

He deleted the part of the message that was about me.

We finished the conversation about his resume. We made plans for the weekend. I didn’t mention anything about the deleted sections. He didn’t ask how I was doing.

When we got off the phone my first thought was, “Mom wouldn’t have deleted my message.”

My next thought was, “John’s not mom.”

I’ve hurt since then, Keyboard.

It’s true. Mom would have listened to any message I sent her no matter how long or unimportant. She would have listened to every word.

I feel unimportant to my brother. I feel like this happens a lot with him. I keep allowing his actions to cut me deeply. I keep thinking that we’ll be able to find mom in each other but we don’t. We can’t. Neither of us is mom, but we both miss her so much it’s almost unconscious on our parts.

Maybe the deletion of my message wouldn’t bother me so much if mom were still alive. I most likely wouldn’t have left him a message at all since I would have been calling mom to begin with.

I don’t know. It’s all “what ifs” and “maybe would have beens”.

This is the life I’m living, and in this life mom is dead and my younger brother is his own person. Maybe one day I’ll understand that wholly. Completely.

I’ve been sick for a while. Two weeks and counting, though I’m pretty much well at this point. I caught whatever my classmates were passing around. Last Sunday it got so bad that I was looking up the symptoms of pneumonia, vowing to myself that if I was still super sick in the morning that I would go to an urgent care clinic.

I was still sick Monday morning, but I was better than I had been the night before, so I didn’t go get looked at. It was only on Wednesday when I was leaving work that I changed my mind. My right ear started hurting as if a nail were trying to drive itself into my skull.

John came down and took me to a clinic to get looked at, which ended up being a good thing. I had ear infections in both ears and pink eye in my left eye. The doctor said most likely what happened was I got an extremely severe sinus infection which ended up spreading to everything else.

The terms “eww” and “gross” come to mind.

It was extremely not cool. I had eye drops for four days, and I’m still taking my 10 days worth of pills for the ear infections. I was given a doctor’s note excusing me from work for two days, which I was luckily able to make up on Saturday. That’s how I was able to get a 12-hour shift in even though I’m still technically in training for another four weeks.

For the most part, I’m better. My sinuses aren’t draining nearly as much. The pressure in my ears is mostly gone. The cough which hurt so bad I was in tears is gone.

I felt well enough, and non-contagious enough, to go to the dojo for personal training today. MG pushed me pretty hard, though not has hard as she said she wanted to. My lungs were burning nearly as much as my legs by the time we were done with the sled work. I know tomorrow will be a yoga day to stretch everything out and get rid of acid build up.

Aside from missing mom and being sick, I’ve had to contend with more emotional ickiness in regards to the apartment. Since I was sick nothing got cleaned, and of course, once I was done being sick Warren got sick, so even if he were the type of person to care about cleanliness it would have been dickish of me to rant and demand that he help out.

It still sucks, though.

In my self-absorbed moments of sadness, I think about how it’s not fair. I was sick and still had to do the dishes. Why does he get to not do them while he’s sick? Shouldn’t it be fair? Equal? Couldn’t I have been cared for, too?

It doesn’t help with the feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness I’m already feeling due to the deleted message.

When will I matter to the people who are supposed to be closest to me?

I have new coworkers, online friends, distant family, and distant friends who all think I’m an amazing person. They think I should be treated well and loved and cared for the way I care for others.

And even the people who hurt me think these things. So why do I hurt? Why am I hurt?

Why do I still not have rent money? Why do I still have to be the only one figuring out how to make financial ends meet? Why do I not warrant the respect to be told that a payment won’t be made at all, not even the partial of the partial I was getting before?

It sucks. And for the last two days, I’ve come home and curled up in bed under my covers and have allowed that pain to be almost all consuming. I’ve tried to understand why, and today I’m no closer than I was yesterday to an answer.

I don’t know why.

Today was different, though. Today I went to my clinic and I worked. I worked hard. I focused on finding my routine and flow and needing less guidance than I have on previous days. I still made mistakes here and there, but I can tell I’m getting better and my trainer constantly praises me for how well I’m doing.

I saved three people today.

Maybe that makes it sound more glorious than it really is, but it’s true. I initiated three dialysis treatments today and terminated them once the treatment was over. That’s three people who can live slightly longer, slightly better because I was there to help them.

It’s a good feeling. It makes it feel worth it. And right now I need something to be worth it.

I can see myself getting wrapped up in work once I’m allowed to work overtime. Maybe that will be good. Maybe that will be my form of self-medication for when I hurt, which might be bad. I already have a preference for being at work rather than home because home is stressful and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Warren has a new job which starts on the 11th, but that doesn’t fix anything right now. And even on the 11th, nothing is going to be fixed. We’ll have to wait two weeks at least for his first paycheck, maybe 4 if his new company holds the first paycheck.

Things are still going to be painful for a while. They’re still going to be hard and there’s nothing to do other than to breath and wait and not lash out in my pain and frustration and claustrophobic confinement of being trapped in an environment I can’t change.

I had a dream last night where I yelled at Warren. He was upset that I was yelling, but nothing else I had done worked. Being nice didn’t do anything so I was yelling because that’s my way of breaking down. That’s when the frustration wins and rational through dies and the only thing that matters is letting out all of the hurt and injustice that I diplomatically tried to convey.

That’s part of why I was so tired this morning. I was fighting all night in my dreams.

Work was good, though. And the dojo was good. I got to see James for a few minutes after my session with MG. He said he hasn’t been able to make it to the dojo much because of a new job, too. We chatted for a bit, but all too soon we both had to leave. I hope to see him more in the future. I miss having him as a sparring partner.

When I came home I decided to clean. Not just clean, but hardcore clean. And so far I have. My room and bathroom have been bleached and vacuumed. My sheets are being washed. The stairs and floors are swept and mopped. The living room is vacuumed. I have a shopping list that I will take care of shortly. All of the trash has been taken out, including the bag that sat by the trash can for three days.

Part of me, the small bit of sadness still in my chest, knows that this, my cleaning, won’t matter. Dog fur will pile up again, the trash will build up from someone other than myself, and I will still have to take care of dishes that are not my own.

The order I have returned to my world will be eroded away day by day, action by action, and the thought of that makes me want to cry. I’ll still come home and not have my solitude because Warren’s waking up earlier in the afternoon.

I don’t know what else to say or write about in that regard. It is pointless. Hopeless. Meaningless. But in this moment, in my small bubble of a room with my music playing as I type to you, I want to take comfort in giving myself the illusion of control.

I can’t fix anything, everything, but I can clean my notebooks. I can put my clothes away. I can sleep in clean sheets. I can bleach the hair dye off of my bathroom counters. And for a few hours, the kitchen can be spotless and the floors free of gross Godzilla bunnies of dog fur.

I still need to go through and pay my bills since that’s another thing I haven’t done.

I’m trying to catch up on life, Keyboard. I’m trying to be an adult and to keep going even though I really don’t want to. I feel alone right now.

I saw Big Bad the other night, but even that isn’t enough to make me ok. We spent three hours together. Three wonderful hours. He held me in his arms and I was able to sleep with my head against his chest for a little bit. But because I had to wake up so early for work we decided it would be best for me to sleep at my own home. We had a cup of tea together before I left. I couldn’t fall back asleep, though.

Having been surrounded by warmth only to return to emptiness added to the feelings I’ve been struggling with. Big Bad has his kids this weekend. I don’t think we’ll get to spend any sort of extended time with each other for a while. My blacksmith and I most likely won’t see each other for a while longer, either.

I’m having a hard time finding a purpose, a reason, to keep doing all of this other than because I promised mom I would. I hate that there’s a part of me who doesn’t want to keep my promise. I want to give up. I want to let everything fall down around me and to say it’s too hard that I quit. I have nothing left to give.

Promises are important to me, though. I want to keep the ones I make and I promised mom I would keep going, so I have to keep going.

I started listening to The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck about a month ago. One of the things mentioned in the book is how blame and responsibility are two different things.

I’m not to blame for Warren not paying rent. I’m not to blame for my brother deleting my message. And I’m not to blame for my mom’s death.

I am responsible for how I choose to act in regards to all of those situations, though.

Right now I would rather not feel. I would rather tackle Life like I did the last few reps of sled work that I did at the dojo today. I don’t want to think. I want to go on auto-pilot and push through this section because this section sucks. It’s hard. It hurts. I want to quit, but I’m not going to because I can’t quit.

I want to survive. I want to make it to the end. I don’t want to give up. I don’t want Life to win and break me because fuck you, Life. You don’t deserve to win. I won’t let you win.

I want to hold on because the end is worth it. When I’m finally able to rest even if my legs and arms and lungs are at the point of failure, it’s worth it. Maybe it’s more worth it because I push to my breaking point and then past it because, fuck you, Breaking Point. You’re not the boss of me.

In the end, the blessed end, the relief is so much more intense, so much sweeter, so much more gratifying, when you’re clinging desperately, reaching into the very core of yourself to make it the last 10 feet.

I just wish the people making this so much harder weren’t people I’m supposed to love and care about. I wish it wasn’t my heart chakra I’m having to close off and ignore. I wish it didn’t feel like bleeding out.

Thank you for being here for me, Keyboard. Thank you for not being upset for all the times I thought about replacing you because of your finicky spacebar tendencies. Thank you for letting write and complain and whine and bitch and cry. Thank you for not judging me or telling me to grow up and to stop being petty. Thank you for helping me figure out my life.

Thank you for being the best replacement for my mom that I didn’t know I had.

I know it’s so stupid. I know you’re just a keyboard, but I want to make you a promise. I want to promise that I’ll finish my chores today because I need to promise someone, something, so I actually do it. I want to make this promise to you because you’ve been here for me. Because you matter.

I promise I’ll be ok. I promise that I’ll make it through this. I promise that I’ll write tomorrow. I promise I won’t think about replacing you because of your ~~annoying~~ spacebar anymore.

Thank you for being here for me.

Daily Post 022: Potentially Productive

Yesterday ended up being better than the past few days.

I had two successful procedures in class. That’s always a boost, and much better than the three missed attempts from the day before that I refused to put energy into feeling bad over. I had enough emotional discord to contend with without making myself feel shitty about missing hard veins.

I went to the dojo again yesterday. I’m starting to do something different with my workout calendar. Instead of pre-arranging my workouts and having them set up as reoccurring events, I’ve decided to delete all of my workouts.

I’m going to be manually adding them instead and only adding the ones I actually attend. That way I have an accurate view of my workout times rather than a bunch of events I didn’t actually attend.

I don’t think that’s going to affect my accountability. If anything I think it will make me more accountable because I want there to be some sort of workout event on each day. It doesn’t have to be the dojo. It could be running, or biking, or yoga, or even just going for a walk. As long as I do something I’ll be happy with my effort. Having the dojo schedule on my calendar made it a bit overwhelming at times and so my brain would skip over the events, or I would be slack because there were “other” events I could make it to, only to get to the end of my day without having gone at all.

I was becoming desensitized to the events since the information was so reoccurring, consistent, and essentially, meaningless. It’s there, every day, every week. It’s not special.

I’m hoping this change helps to make me more aware of my habits and to spur me into action during the days where the sadness is winning. I can’t let it win. If I do I won’t be able to add the event to my calendar and those events are important to me. More important than staying in my room feeling bad. I can feel bad at the dojo and still get something done.

Multi-tasking at its finest.

As I was leaving the dojo yesterday Paul told me I was doing a good job.

Having validation when I had wanted to stay home again was really nice.

It’s weird. It’s not like we’re super close or anything. He’s my instructor. We haven’t had any super deep, soul-bearing conversations. He demonstrates techniques, he watches everyone practice and spar and makes sure we’re getting the moves mostly right. I’ve only “known” him for, what, roughly five months? Maybe only four…

I started attending the dojo mid-November. Just before Thanksgiving. So yeah… not even five months.

Yet his praise means so much to me. Paul, Big Bad, my phlebotomy and nursing instructors… anytime they say something about how I’m doing well or doing a good job, it feels like true, genuine validation. It’s not just pretty words. They mean it, and because they mean it their words mean something deep and solidifying to me.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this dream or not, but I had a dream about mom not too long ago. Or rather, I had a dream and mom was in it.

I was driving and I was getting tired. There was a really long stretch of road ahead of me, sloping down, then going up and I couldn’t see the road over the hill but in my head, I knew it would go on for forever and I just wanted to stop. It was that feeling of overwhelming defeat where there is no end and it’s pointless to keep going and it would be so much easier to just stop and give up.

Mom was in the back seat of the car. I remember I couldn’t look at her because I was driving. I had to keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road, you know… so we didn’t crash and burn in a fantastic blaze of glory. I remember telling her, tears in my voice, that I was tired and asking if we could stop. It was the only thing I wanted. Could we please just stop for a little bit?

I remember her voice. I remember her saying, “We’re almost there.”

I remember her saying that in real life. I remember all the times I was working on projects that I wanted to give up on and she would say it was almost done and to tough it out a little bit longer. She always had a way of saying it, a tone, a voice, that made me hold on for just that little bit of extra time to see something to the end.

I feel like that’s what this is. I keep trying, even when I get to what feels like the end of what I have to give, and things keep happening. Working. Coming together and solidifying into a platform where I can stop and rest and recover.

It’s nice to know I won’t have to worry about getting a paycheck though I may still have to worry about finances. I guess that really depends on if Warren continues to hold up his end of our agreement. But I can at least tell my brothers and friends that I have a job. They don’t have to worry about me as much. It’s a good feeling.

It seems like my problems are narrowing down and I’ll be able to start focusing on things with more laser precision rather than trying to shotgun my attention on everything.

Once my onboarding process is complete and I begin working in April my goal will be paying off the credit card. Currently, my goal is completely phlebotomy and gearing up for work. I want to wrap up tasks and make sure I’m in a good spot.

I know I’m breathing easier. I don’t have the tightness in my chest of, “How am I going to figure this out?”

I don’t know if I figured it out so much as the Universe aligned the way it was supposed to. All I did was apply over and over and over and over until finally, something stuck.

I don’t know if that’s divine intervention.

I would like to think that mom knew it would work out and that she helped me hold on just like she would have if she were still alive.

I do think this is going to be a career that will be fulfilling. It has the patient interaction I wanted. More so than what the hospital would have had. More than what the Central Service Tech position would have had. It seems like there will be opportunities for me here, and I think I can work it out to still make it to the dojo consistently. That is still yet to be seen, but where there’s a will there’s a way.

I’m NOT giving up the dojo. I told Warren the other night, I would sacrifice my food budget before I gave in on my dojo membership, which may be counterproductive because without food I can’t really go to the dojo, but in my head at least I would starve to death mostly happy. Maybe content is a better word. I would starve to death in contentment knowing that I didn’t give up myself.

Today I go and have my drug test done. That’s the last process, that I know of, for onboarding. I’ve filled out all of the other forms and watched the welcome video.

Big Bad and I ended up having impromptu cuddles last night. I happened to message him as I was leaving the dojo. Nothing special. Just saying I hoped he had a good day.

He replied with how his day had been good and how he missed me. I said I missed him too and that cuddles would be amazing because they would have been. I had wanted to see him the day before, but I don’t know if it really would have been a good idea to see him in the middle of a grief wave. Somehow I don’t think it would have been the best idea. Even though I wanted human contact I think having alone time was better for me.

Yesterday was emotionally better, though, and when Big Bad said he would enjoy cuddling as well we made plans to spend the evening together after I had showered because holy crap did NoGi kick my ass. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the technique we learned. It gives me more options for getting out of closed guard, but god does it feel like my arms want to fall off right now…

Anyway, I’m rambling.

I picked up more microfiber shirts this morning since I only owned two. When I first started going to the dojo it was annoying not having enough shirts to get me through the week. More so when I started going to the dojo three and four times a week for multiple classes a day. There was no way to re-wear a shirt, but I needed a shirt to go over my workout top.

Then the holiday season hit and I was out of town more often than not so the lack of shirts wasn’t really an issue.

Now I’m getting back into the swing of it and the lack of shirts is hindering my workouts again…

Well… Fuck that shit.

I deserve my workouts. I want my workouts, and I sure as hell am not going to let something like laundry keep me from having them.

So this morning has already started with my “frog”. The one task that I’ve been avoiding for the past two weeks. A trip to Walmart. When I say I would rather be punched in the face than to go to Walmart it’s not much of an exaggeration.

I sort of tried other options. I looked online but I want to touch the shirts before I buy them. Target sucked and didn’t have what I wanted. Ross didn’t either. So, since Big Bad lives close to the only Walmart near me, I decided to go there before going home this morning.

It actually wasn’t a super horrible trip. Going there at 7 am most likely had a lot to do with that. I got four microfiber shirts, so now I have six in total. That will do fine for me I think. Maybe, eventually, I’ll get two more because odd numbers are weird.

Things have to go in pairs. It’s a rule in my brain. I know it’s weird. I’ve learned to just go with it… It’s easier and less sandpapery that way.

The other day I got three more of the tank tops from Target since I was there doing failed recon for the microfiber shirts. I got a deep army green tank top, which I actually like way more than I thought I would, and a dark purple tank top. I also got a light green color but I’m going to return it. Even when I bought it I had the feeling that I wouldn’t wear it all that much. I would rather return it and get another purple or green. What will most likely happen is I’ll return the light green, get a dark green, then get two more, one purple and one more black, since that whole pair thing has to happen.

Two green, two purple, four black. Seems good in my book.

I know I’ll most likely end up getting new workout tops to go under my scrubs for work. But that’s going to be my “first paycheck” thing. So it’s still a month or so off. For that I’ll go to the sporting goods store and try on a size smaller, just to make sure it fits before ordering online. It helps that I already know what I want and am looking for specifically. That “should” make the process fairly quick and painless.

I need to go to my school today and talk to them about switching my program. That’s another thing I’ve sort of halfway been avoiding. Since I got the job offer I won’t be able to finish the final course of the PCT program, but that should be ok. I’m hoping we can switch my paperwork to be just the EKG and phlebotomy classes. Only one way to find out in that regard.

Blarg… so much talking to people because socializing doesn’t end there…

I need to call Verizon customer support as well. I went to the store yesterday to cancel Zane’s line. While I was there I found out I owe $250 on my phone, which is BS because the whole reason I got my phone was because they were supposed to give me a full $600 on my trade in. So… I’m missing something like $200 in credit towards my account.

Words cannot begin to express the annoyance of having to call, yet again, to figure out why this trade in is F’ed up. I’m looking forward to switching back to MetroPCS. $50 a month for unlimited everything and I’ve never had a shitty experience with them messing something up. Soon… So soon.

Until then, yeah, that’s $250 I want explained to me.

Alright, enough stalling I guess. Time to shower then head out into the world.

I don’t know how the day is going to go. I feel slightly above baseline. Not super crazy positive, but not depressed either. It’s a warm-ish nuetral though I don’t think “warm” is the right word. I’m room-temp. Yeah… room-temp neutral.

I think today will be a productive day. Not necessarily “good” in the normal sense, but I’m ok with productive. Productive is good.

Daily Post 018: Can’t Keep Me Down

I may write twice today.

I’m back at home after my evening with Big Bad.

It was pleasant. After posting my last writing I met with him at the pizza place we normally order from. He had mentioned how last time he had gone to pick up the pizza there had been a harp player. We both agreed how it would be nifty to eat at the restaurant one time to enjoy the live music. So I guess this is as good a time as any to say the pizza place is more of an Italian grill/restaurant rather than a Pizza Hut type of establishment.

I asked for the address of the place since I had never been there. It seemed odd to me, how the GPS on my phone was taking me so far from Big Bad’s house. Whenever he’s gone to pick up our pizza he never seems gone for long, but I figured it might be because we usually get our pizza later in the evening and so traffic isn’t all that bad.

Well… come to find out my GPS took me to the wrong place. I ended up at a seedy looking gas station with no Italian restaurant in sight.

I messaged Big Bad to let him know that I didn’t think the address was right because where I was at seemed more a place for drug deals than pizza. We got it figured out and I turned around to head back the direction I came from. Yep. Totally was in the wrong place.

Eventually I did get to where I was supposed to be.

The harp player was there which was seriously cool. He played a rendition of Hotel California while we were there. We enjoyed our pizza. We talked about our days and our plans for the weekend. When we left we went to Big Bad’s house and watched an episode of Aonflux.

It’s sort of like the Animatrix. It’s a series of little side animations that are independent of the movie. The one we watched had a really interesting animation style. It most likely would have made more sense to me if I had seen the movie, but overall it was nifty and interesting.

We went to sleep afterward, curled up close to each other under his warm, fuzzy blanket since it’s been in the 30s at night. 30s… in Florida. What the fuck?

Big Bad woke me up around 6:40 before he hopped in the shower. I took the alone time to have my coffee and check my phone.

Ripping the band-aid off since there’s no real point is hiding this information…

I didn’t get the patient transporter position.

Not going to lie, that wasn’t the email I wanted to start my day with or, in general, receive.

I didn’t want to tell Big Bad about it. I feel like I’m turning into the girl who cried wolf.

Me: I had a really good interview! Hahaha… just kidding. I didn’t get the job…

I didn’t want to accept that information as my reality. I thought I had interviewed well. I thought this was going to work. I don’t understand how I can keep having “good” interviews and not receive the positions.

Am I misreading my interviewer? Am I doing something at the end that disqualifies me?

I think in this instance it’s that I’m becoming overqualified. This position required “no experience” yet here I am with an EKG certification and pending CNA and phlebotomy certifications, working towards a PCT certification. It’s very obvious that I’m not going to stick around even though I said I wanted to keep patient transporting for six months to a year and that part-time was actually what I wanted.

Not going to lie, it’s frustrating.

I did get a call back from the assisted living facility for a food server position. Essentially it’s waitressing. I’m going to call them back today. I need a job and even though this position isn’t in the hospital, or really something I want to do longer term, it gets me back in the workforce, it’s still customer service, and who knows, maybe I’ll like it and stick around for a while and they’ll help with whatever direction I want to go.

At this point, I don’t feel I can be exceedingly picky. I want/need part time work. The sooner the better since I need to start supporting myself again. Or rather, I need income so I can continue to support myself.

I’m not sure if they’re still interviewing since I got the call on Tuesday. I didn’t want to call back when the patient transporter position looked so promising. Maybe that’s a lesson for me. Pursue everything, regardless of how things appear, because you never know.

All I can do is call back and see, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I have other things I want to get done today. Mostly cleaning house in my inbox along with the actual apartment. Job searching is back on the list now since my prospect fell through. I want to begin cleaning out my side of the storage unit so there’s less to take care of on Tuesday. I’m going to set up the truck rental. I need to make the payment for my EKG class since that’s due today. I want to do the cooking I haven’t done all week so the food I bought doesn’t go bad. I want to move the china hutch as well so the area for Warren’s furniture is clear.

I might also be able to set up the futon at the storage unit and take pictures of it so I can get that posted on Craig’s list sooner rather than later. It would be great if we didn’t have to bring that into the apartment, though since we have to rent a truck anyway it won’t be a huge deal if it does. It’s more a convenience thing of moving less rather than more.

I want to go through the 30-day challenge assignments as well since I feel that will give me a better handle on my goals and the action steps I need to do to reach them. Right now, even though I’ve sort of outlined them, I still feel they’re a bit nebulous. I haven’t written it out on paper yet. I have a career path but how does that fit into my life path, and what are my personal goals versus my career goals?

So, goal identification along with some soul searching I think is on the list for today/this weekend as well. I feel like a lot of my weekend to-do list will be internal. Aligning myself with the things I want and solidly stating my intentions.

I’m not going to let the notice about the job detract from the day of productivity I had planned for myself. All that email means is there’s a different opportunity out there and that I need to modify my list for today a little bit.

It doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’ll never get a job. It was nice to interview with the hospital and to walk through the halls. It gave me a feel for what I would be dealing with once I actually get in.

It’s the first time I had been inside a hospital since mom died. It was a big step, one I didn’t know if I could do.

I can do it. And eventually, I will do it.

So that’s where I’m at this morning. I’m going to let my contact at the hospital know that I’m still searching so he can keep an eye out for me and I’m going to keep working on achieving what I want for myself.

Determination and persistence.

This way didn’t work out, so I’ll find another way.

Daily Post 017: Pizza Vs. Dojo

Not proofread due to impromptu dinner plans. : D

I have decided that I’m taking this week off from the dojo. That mostly comes from the fact that it’s already Thursday and I have yet to go, and even though I could go today I would rather continue getting things, tasks, situated and figured out versus going to the dojo.

It’s not that the dojo is slipping in priority because it isn’t.

It’s more I feel the need to “clean house” so to speak. This week has been crazy, and with starting my cycle on Monday, along with a new class, along with a two-hour interview, along with the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on recently, it feels like the better option would be to take a step back, breathe a bit, assess where I’m at and where I want to go, and then start clean this coming Monday.

I’ve been haphazardly accomplishing my days. I’ve done well through all of them, but the only to-do list I made was on Monday. The rest of the days were filled with class and studying and listening to my body, and now we’re at Thursday and I know things in regards to life and building up and I want a game plan going into the weekend for how I’m going to tackle all of it.

This post is me figuring it out and processing through the whys and hows of things.

Firstly, I’m proud of myself. All this week I have been attending a class I had originally been worried about. I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to hack it. Every time I thought about phlebotomy it was with a nervous, “I don’t know how this is going to turn out,” sort of mentality. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to overcome to my past history of fainting and lightheadedness.

I’m proud that I’ve been able to change my mentality and that I am actively working with my own natural physiology. I have a better understanding of why I have fainted in the past while having procedures done to me, so now, when I’m working with my fellow classmates as their “victim” I am able to stay with it and not lose consciousness. Today I actually didn’t get lightheaded at all while I was having a venipuncture performed on me.

Totally giving myself tons of props for all of the forward progress I have made as a “patient” as well as an aspiring phlebotomist.

I think, from a technician side of things, understanding the steps to the procedures, why things are done the way they’re done, all of the behind the scenes of what happens before and after specimens are taken, helps with keeping me grounded during the procedure.

In my head, I am in a very different headspace. I’m in the left side of my brain. I’m thinking about the equipment I need, the steps I need to perform and the order to perform them in. I’m thinking about the tubes I need for specific tests, the additive in the tube, how many times I will need to invert once the specimen is collected. I thinking about what goes in biohazard and what is normal trash and what is classified as sharps.

It’s all left brain with the underlying knowledge that blood is good. It means I have successfully performed the procedure and that with this success a person is one step closer to the help they need to have. This procedure is an important step.

It’s an extremely invasive procedure, so there’s the knowledge that the person is trusting me to help them. There’s a weight with that, an importance, that helps me to stay steady while I do it. I can’t be squeamish. They need me to do this for them.

I got to use a butterfly needle today on the mannequin arm. That’s a 23 gauge needle. It’s pretty small. It felt a lot like the needles I use when I cross stitch. Maybe that’s sort of sick, thinking about a medical needle in relation to the ones I use for a hobby that so many people say, “my grandmother used to do that.” But for me, it helped me find a level of confidence that I didn’t have prior to that thought.

I handle needles all the time. Why should this one be any different or cause me to doubt myself? If anything I should be more confident because it’s a larger needle than the 26 that I constantly move in and out of 28 and 32 sized fabrics. Those sizes are so much smaller, the precision so much finer. This should be a cake walk in comparison.

Yes, this is a person, but the process of having a needle and an intended destination for it is the same. It made me realize that my fear is what is holding me back. My fear of the equipment. The needle.

Why am I scared of 21 gauge medical needles but not 26 gauge stitching needles?

I’m fearful of hurting someone or doing something wrong.

I remember being worried when I first started stitching when I was younger. Most likely around eight years old. I remember being worried that I wouldn’t do the stitches right. But here I am, 20 years later. I love my needles and I do have “favorites” because I’m weird. It’s like having a favorite pen.

I’m not going to be scared of the 21 gauge needles anymore. I understand them better. They have a place inside of my brain now. They’re not bad, they’re different, and that difference is ok. It has a place.

So, yeah. I think I can do this. I CAN do this, and I will do this. The overwhelming list of abbreviations isn’t as intimidating. I understand Order of Draw now. We’re one week in and already I have so much more confidence in myself in this particular area. I’ve gone through my EKG flashcards again and still remember all of my previous information. Nothing is being overwritten with this new content. It’s a good feeling.

I got this.

So all of that in itself is a good enough reason in my book to take it easy in other areas of my life. This was a huge, massive step that I didn’t know if I would be able to do. It required a lot of physical and mental focus, and I’m ok with that temporarily detracting from other areas. Now that I have the confidence I need to go forward my energy can go back into other areas once again.

I got to talk to my younger brother today. The first big payment of my class is due and I’m still sans job. He is sending me money to cover my classes as well as a month of living expenses.

The original conversation was through text messages on Facebook.

It was tense for me. I didn’t want to have to ask for help. Especially with how I’ve written about buying clothes and my shin guards or the time I went to Taco Bell. There was the voice in my head saying that I haven’t been responsible so I don’t deserve to ask for help.

His message of, “This is the only time I will send money. I can’t keep supporting other people and myself,” didn’t help with those feelings because I know them all too well myself.

One of the reasons I’m in the situation I am is because I have given money to others. I don’t want to be that type of person for anyone. I don’t want to put him in a bad position because I’m not able to meet my own responsibilities. I don’t want to feel like I’m failing at adulting.

We were able to talk on the phone later. That helped a lot.

He’s glad I’m doing so well in my class. He’s happy the interview seemed to go well and we both agree that even if this position doesn’t work out that getting something in the hospital is just a matter of time, especially with how I keep improving my skills. It means there will be more opportunities I can reach for and the biggest hurdle of them all is getting that initial foot in the door.

I mentioned how I was thinking about withdrawing from the PCT program and sticking with just the CNA, phlebotomy, and EKG certifications.

Jon: I’ll stab you if you withdrawal. With love… but I’ll still stab you.

He wants me to do the whole course because it will give me more opportunities. He wants me to do the best I can, and completing the course and achieving the PCT certification is doing my best.

Knowing that he’s fully supportive of that direction makes me more ok with the thought of completing the course. The main reason I was thinking about withdrawing was for financial reasons. It would save roughly $800. He thinks it’s worth the investment and is willing to help me with it. So we’re going to do it. All the way. No half-assing or giving up.

It makes me want to do better than my best because it’s not simply me who’s invested into my certifications now. I need to prove it wasn’t a waste to believe in me, to support me, to help me. I’ll do amazing because I’m worth the love and support people give to me and doing well is one way to prove that.

Warren and I talked. We’re going to close out the storage unit. We have an idea of how to rearrange things in the apartment to get his furniture into it. I’m going to sell the futon. Not having the storage unit will lower both of our monthly expenses by $75.

There are several emails in my inbox for expenses. My website is supposed to be renewed, but I think I’m going to hold off on that for the time being. I’m not pursuing a career in computer animation at the moment so I don’t need a website active for employers to view my work. Maybe in the future I’ll activate it again. I still have my domain name, but, for now, it’s not the direction I plan to go.

My shin guards should be here tomorrow. I’m looking forward to them. It means I’ll most likely be stoked to go to the dojo on Saturday since that’s Muay Thai conditioning and I’ll be able to try them out.

I’ve figured out what I want my reward for phlebotomy certification to be. My herb garden. I still haven’t done that even though I said I would back in February. A lot of that is due to how things panned out. I’m not sorry for how things have worked out so far. I’m content with how my time and energy has been spent. I’m ok with saving my garden so that it has deep and meaningful significance for me rather than simply being something I give myself because I want it.

I did something amazing and I’ll have something that reminds me of that accomplishment every time I go into the kitchen.

And actually, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go to the dojo. Big Bad just messaged me asking if I wanted to have dinner with him. If I were at the dojo I wouldn’t have gotten his message and I would like to spend the evening with him, relaxing, decompressing, and regrouping for the day of “life” productivity I have planned.

I’m glad I was able to process through most of this.

The only thing that I haven’t mentioned is last night. Last night started getting rough. My grief was swelling. It’s been cold the past few days and I think that factored into it. I don’t like being physically cold. It seems to amplify the emotional hurt I feel.

When Warren came downstairs last night I was on the couch. I was reading something and he asked if I was ok. I said not really, that things were emotionally rough at the moment. He gave me a hug and I started to cry. I said I didn’t understand why there was such a difference inside my head between day 365 and day 364, but there was and the closer we get to April 4th, the closer to March 23, the more I hurt.

I think another part of the roughness of Wednesday evening was due to the rawness of Tuesday morning with Big Bad.

I think it was good to talk to Warren last night. That’s one of the reasons we wanted to be roommates. To physically be in each other’s worlds when we have moments like what I had last night. Where I needed a hug and a friend and someone to let me know I wasn’t as alone as I felt.

It was nice that we ended up talking about the storage unit and made plans to close it out on Tuesday. We got to talk about the apartment. We got to make plans and brainstorm and it helped even me out and ground me back in life rather than being lost in my emotions.

He still drives me crazy with his dirty dishes, but it’s such a minor thing compared to the problems I could have. He doesn’t steal from me or go into my room. He doesn’t do drugs or murder hookers in his bath tube. I mean really… dirty dishes in the sink every morning is pretty minor and I know at the moment I’m overly sensitive to things.

I’ll keep breathing and working through the issues I have, but overall I think things are ok. I think I’m going in a good direction and even though I haven’t been to the dojo in almost a week I think this was an ok break to take. I need to make sure life stays on track and with how all over the place and demanding it has been this past week I’m content and proud of how I’ve handled things.

Now I’m off to go have a wonderful dinner and potentially kick some ass in Mortal Kombat.

Daily Post 012: The Weekend And Then Some

The game plan had been to go to the dojo for submission grappling since it’s Monday evening. I think I’m going to skip out on it in favor of writing, though. I know that sounds bad, but it’s pretty understandable when I slip in the added information that I was awake at 4 am this morning and did boxing at 6 am.

Yeah… I’ve already had a pretty intense, “holy shit, my ass is kicked” workout… I don’t really know if I want another one when I still have to wake up and do a bunch of stuff tomorrow in addition to going to class. Maybe that’s me being weak. Or maybe I should listen to my body when it protests about having to climb up the stairs.

I’m going to go with the latter and hope I don’t regret it later.

So, yeah. Things. And stuff.

I started writing yesterday but didn’t really have it in me, so I stopped about two paragraphs in.

I’m pretty sure the last day I wrote was Saturday morning before the dojo. I had a good workout. I enjoy the conditioning classes. I didn’t see Jim there, but I guess he’s been busy with work. At least that’s what Akib said when the subject was brought up. That’s sort of lame. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen him.

We pulled up the mats and swept/mopped the floor under them in preparation for the new ones. That almost makes me think I should go tonight. I haven’t seen the new mats yet… Arg. No. I’m not going to go because I’m still easing back into things. I’ve only had one solid week of working out. I want to do another week of one hour before trying to up it to two.

The instructor for the Muay Thai class posted on my Facebook saying that I did well in the class. It made me smile. There was also a picture of everyone who stayed to help with the mat clean up. It made me smile and feel connected to see that on Facebook, too. It made me feel part of the dojo family.

The day was going really well after the dojo. Came home. Made a grocery list. Switched the laundry. Went to the store. Realized while I was in the checkout line that I had left my wallet in my gym bag at home…

Yeah, that sort of sucked. I had to put everything back since I was in a store a bit further from my apartment than my normal one. I had planned to get an Arby’s sandwich after the shopping which is why I had gone to a different location. I guess that just wasn’t meant to happen.

I drove home to get my wallet which is where things took a nose dive.

Warren was awake and in the kitchen so I decided to get it over with and ask him about rent.

He said he didn’t know if he would be able to pay for March.

I was quiet for an extended period of time because never in any of my imagines did I think he would not be able to pay rent since he had said he would pay February, and didn’t, so that meant he had extra money to for sure pay for March… right?….

Wrong.

When I was finally able to half way process through my thoughts I asked why he didn’t think he would be able to pay.

Finances weren’t working out.

… How are finances not working out?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he wasn’t making enough or what, but he was going to figure it out.

Was there a date when he thought he would have the information?

No.

What the actual fuck?

I didn’t know what to say. How do you not know how things are not working out, and what the fuck? You can’t give me a date when you’re going to look into this information and tell me how I’m not going to be completely screwed over?

I was quiet for another extended period as the shock started bleeding into hurt. I nodded, turned around, and walked back to my car.

My hands were shaking as I drove out of the lot back to the store; the one close to the apartment this time since I didn’t want my sandwich anymore.

I sent a text my younger brother asking if he could talk.

He called shortly after I got into the store. I was standing in front of the ketchup display when I answered.

“Hey. I’m about to break down into tears in the middle of Publix and I know this is going to be an “I told you so” moment but I really, really just need you to listen to me and not say those words.”

So Jon listened to my story. He listened to me say how I felt betrayed. In the fourteen years Warren and I have known each other, in the six months since I’ve let him live here rent free, after the $4000 dollars I’ve spent to help him, and he couldn’t be up front and honest and come to me and let me know that things weren’t working out?

I had to ask, and poke, and pry, and even then I couldn’t get straight answers?

What the fuck?

How is any of that ok? How could he think any of that would ever be ok? After how he knows about my past and all of the times I’ve gotten screwed over by helping people financially and he’s going to treat me like that? He’s just going to assume after I’ve told him money is running low and I can’t cover things on my own anymore, that it’s ok to not tell me that he can’t help?

I started going from feeling hurt and betrayed to angry. Furious.

Basically where the conversation left off was getting information about removing Warren from the lease. If push comes to shove I need him to leave so I can find a roommate who will actually contribute to the apartment. I knew I needed to have another conversation with Warren, but I also knew that night was NOT the night to do it.

Big Bad and I made plans to hang out. The idea was to watch 13 Assassins. I asked if he wanted to drink.

Big Bad: Heck yeah

Awesome. I didn’t have intentions at the time to get super drunk. Just a drink, maybe two, to take off the edge of the emotional pain. I wanted to indulge a bit in being irresponsible because it looked like the future was going to be a shit storm. You know… one last hoorah before going back to the grind of figuring out the cluster fuck that my life looked like it was about to turn into.

Well… Saturday Big Bad and I got pretty… intoxicated. Yeah. We’ll go with that. Intoxicated sounds so much nicer than trashed.

We started by going out to dinner, which was nice. He wouldn’t let me pay even though he paid for our movie outing after the Warrior Dash. He said once I had a job I could celebrate by taking us out. Totally, going to remember he said I could pay and do that.

We went back to his place where we had the bit of Disaronno with Dr. Pepper. I found that mix from Frank when I went to the Cards Against Humanity nights he hosted. He hasn’t done one in a while, but that’s our go-to drink for those events. We call them Double Ds. XD

Anyway, I didn’t have much left, so when it was gone Big Bad asked if I still wanted to drink? I did, which isn’t really normal, but since I was in a “zero fucks given” mindset I didn’t care.

Yes, I wanted to keep drinking. I wanted to have a good night and not worry about being responsible or figuring things out or not having a hangover in the morning.

I most likely could have driven. We didn’t have that much, but Big Bad did instead. He drove my car since he said his truck wasn’t clean. I was fine with it. I trust him, and we made it to the store and back without incident.

I guess me trusting him to drive my car seems less like a massive leap of faith when I mention that he’s let me stay at his house unsupervised while he’s gone to pick up pizza for us. Somehow I think leaving someone alone in your house outranks letting someone with a clean driving record drive your car while you’re in it.

So yeah. We got a bottle of 151 rum and continued to mix it with the Dr. Pepper we had.

The only thing I have to say in regards to that is, “Holy crap.”

Way stronger than what I’m used to. Wicked hung over, but the night was amazing and I regret none of it.

Big Bad had birthday balloons in this kitchen. He asked if I wanted to write messages on one. He said he would write messages on the other one and then we could go outside and let the balloons go together, letting our messages leave.

I said yes.

I wrote a message to Warren #1, my current roommate who isn’t paying rent. I said that I hoped this situation didn’t ruin our friendship but that this was a situation of survival now and that I had come too far to not choose myself. I would take care of myself first before helping others and that included him.

I wrote a message to Warren #2 as well.

I guess I should backtrack a little.

While Big Bad and I were at dinner, sober, we talked about our past relationships. I told him the whole situation with Zane, before mom’s hospitalization, the events during it, and the events after her death. I think he understands my feelings better.

He told me about his ex-wife. I appreciated him opening up and telling me more about their history. I asked if in hindsight he thought the divorce was a good thing even though he was against it at first.

He said yes. There had been more bad times than good, and that he had wanted to stay together for his children, but that now he thought it was better to be separated; not only for himself but for his kids as well.

I’m not sure how, but Warren #2 was mentioned and Big Bad asked about the story for him.

It was hard. I had to stop a few times during my telling of it. But I told him. I told him everything. The fight before hand. The rape. Being suicidal afterward.

I told him that I try really hard to remain friends with my exs because I was with them for a reason. I cared about them. But Zane and Warren #2 are two people that I don’t want to see again. I can’t be “the bigger person”. I still want them to hurt the way that I and others have hurt because of them so they know what it feels like. So they know what they’ve made other people live through. I want them to hurt so they learn and become better people. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to wish pain on others, though, so I still feel like there are issues for me to work through.

Part of working through that was writing my message to Warren #2. In my message, I said that I would not give him the power to rob me of my present. I would not allow myself to live in fear of relationships and love and kindness because of what he did to me. I remember I told Big Bad that when you’re punched in the face by someone who says they love you it makes you question what love is.

I’m not going to let my fear control me. I will acknowledge it and I will relearn how to have healthy interactions. I feel like that’s what Big Bad is helping me do.

He has been nothing but accepting of me and supportive of the things I’m trying to do with my life. Saturday night was another instance where I bared emotional scars to him. Jagged, deep, sensitive scars and instead of thinking me as broken he listened and heard me. He held my hand while I told my story, and when we released our balloons with our messages into the night sky he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him so my back was pressed against his chest.

We drank more. We got bored with the movie and instead went outside in the backyard and started a fire in the firepit. It was the first time I’ve been in his backyard. He has two dogs that he normally keeps outside so it was the first time I got introduced to them.

It felt nice being able to be drunk around someone and for it to be a pleasant, fun, positive experience. I know I’ve had a few drinks while I’m with Sir. I’ve had drinks with Frank and everyone, but Saturday was different. I have a lot of memories of being afraid to drink when I was with Warren #2 because I knew we would end up fighting and I wanted to be sober in case I wanted to leave.

I didn’t have that worry with Big Bad. I knew I was safe and that I could enjoy all of it with him. And this is where I sound crazy as an INFJ and talk about vibes and feeling things, but it’s true. It was fantastic being drunk and all of my mental barriers being down and completely open to the energy around me. I didn’t have to hold back, and I didn’t. He didn’t.

Even though we both had headaches and felt rough Sunday morning it was an amazing night. All of it. The conversation by the fire, the balloons, the sex. I regret nothing. Not even the hangover I had to suffer through.

I can definitely say neither of us wants to drink like that ever again. At least not for the next foreseeable ever, but from our conversations since Sunday morning, I think we both enjoyed it.

Sunday we had coffee together once we finally got out of bed. Which took a while.

When I got home Warren was awake again. I didn’t want to have the conversation yet, but I did let him know that Jason and Jon weren’t going to help me financially. I didn’t ask Jason or Jon if they would. I think if I worded my request right they would, but I don’t want them to because it’s not me who’s not able to hold up my end of the deal. It’s Warren and I don’t want them supporting him. It’s not their responsibility to help me help someone else. So I felt like I needed to let Warren know that. I can’t do March on my own and I’m not going to be getting help from my family.

He said he understood and would figure his side out.

I went to my room after that and continued to feel like crap, not just because I was low energy from drinking, being up late, and in general recovering from the amazing night I had, but there were the nagging guilt and building stress of returning to reality. I curled up in bed with Scarlet and stayed there for most of the morning.

Big Bad was supposed to meet Corey to give him a check for computer parts. Not sure if I mentioned it anywhere but Corey is in the process of building Big Bad a computer. I thought it was going to be a quick meeting just to exchange funds.

It turned into Corey, Chelen, and Big Bad having lunch at my sports bar. I got an invitation asking me to join them, which I did. It was nice. We sat outside in the fresh air and shaded sunlight. A breeze was blowing which felt calming against my skin.

I think going out was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. It got me out of bed and showered. It got me back outside, moving around. It got me to eat a salad of tasty awesomeness and drink some more water.

Big Bad actually asked me back to his place after lunch. I don’t know how either of us could still want or even accomplish sexy time, but the human body is amazingly resilient.

When I left for the second time I came home and ended up going to sleep fairly early. Can’t imagine why…
I woke up at 4 am. It was an “awake” awake. One of those “This is a day where things are going to get done” type of awake. There isn’t the grogginess of having to fight through sleep, the dragging of one’s self out of the warm bed. I was ready to get up. I wanted to get up. I had things to do.

When I went downstairs Warren was awake, watching TV on the couch. He works nights so him being awake so early is normal. I sat on the couch next to him and was quiet for a little bit.

Eventually, I asked, “How you would feel if our situations were reversed?”

I still felt hurt and betrayed. I didn’t want to feel like that, but how else am I supposed to feel? I really wanted to know what his perspective was.

Warren: I know you’re probably tired of helping my sorry ass. I know I would be.

We had a really long, in-depth heart to heart conversation. We brainstormed different ideas, he told me different things he was looking into. He told me why finances weren’t working out. I told him how his choices were affecting me and why I felt the way I did.

I said by him not telling me about his situation that he took away a lot of the choices I could have made had I been given more time.

I think we’re on the same page now. I think we both feel better and less “the world is ending”. I’m going to give it until Monday before pressing more on the topic. I want to see what happens in a week.

I went to boxing this morning. I came home and made breakfast.

Oh. That reminds me. Big Bad and I figured out that the end of February will be when we’ve known each other for six months. It’s odd. It feels longer than that. We had been talking through texts so I sent one saying, “Happy slightly early six months of knowing each other”

He thought it was cute.

While I had been at his house Saturday, before the drinking, he said he had gotten something for me. I have mentioned a few times how the coffee I make at home is from instant powder and how I enjoy the coffee we have together in the mornings. He uses a percolator and actual coffee grounds. It’s different from mine and I like it.

Well while Big Bad had been out shopping for things he got me my own percolator and container of coffee to have at home with me. I absolutely love it. I totally hugged the box in front of him.

I used it for the first time this morning, sending him a picture of the percolator sitting in its new place on my stovetop. It actually looks good there. Most of my appliances are black and stainless steel so the percolator blends with everything. It makes my brain happy to see a gift from someone I care about in my environment. Even better that it fits and looks like it belongs there. And it’s something useful.

Best gift ever.

After eating I got ready for class. I picked out the threads I needed for a new cross stitch project. Its something for Big Bad. I think he’ll like it and I want to do something for him. I’m not sure if he’ll be overjoyed by it or anything, but I think it will mean something to him. If nothing else I think he’ll like it because it’s cute and from Star Wars.

Class was good. We started learning about EKG pathologies. There’s a lot of them. x.x

After class, I went to my sports bar. It’s something I’ve budgeted in for the next weeks. Instead of cooking lunch I go to my sports bar for a water and small salad. I study, make flash cards, research, whatever I need to do.

It keeps me out of the apartment for longer, resulting in more light and gives me a place to work since I don’t have a separate office space at home. I don’t work well in my room.

While I was at my sports bar I got an email from my contact at the hospital. He was forwarding me a job posting he thought I would be interested in. He said if he saw any others that he would send them my way.

I took a look at the posting. It’s for a Central Service Technician – Uncertified. Basically, I would be helping to sterilize surgical equipment and setting up the trays for surgeries. Part of the job would be getting certification within the first year of being hired.

I think I would seriously like that job. Cleaning, organizing, mostly introverted work. I would be working nights, which is a little lame, but they would be on the weekend which is sort of cool. That was one of the things I wanted. A job that left my week mostly open.

With a set schedule like that, I could look at getting a part time job after my classes finish. I’m hoping this pans out. I feel like I would like this position more than the position I interviewed for on Thursday. I think this posting is new enough that it hasn’t been filled yet, and I know my resume looks way, way better than it when I applied for the patient transporter position. I have two addition certifications listed, I have the CNA and EGK certifications in progress… On paper, I look way better for an entry level medical position that what I did two weeks ago. Go me. Hopefully, it works in my favor.

So I eventually came home and applied for that after calling Jon to tell him about the posting and finishing my flash cards. It was hard to sit and finish working on them after getting the email, but that’s part of the deal I have with myself for getting lunch out. I can do it only if I do my work. So work had to be completed first, then I could dash home to create a new cover letter and go through the online application process.

Once that was done I emailed my files directly to my contact at his request. That was around 4 pm. Since I haven’t heard back from him I’m going to assume that my information won’t be passed forward until tomorrow, but I’m hopeful.

It’s awesome knowing that my contact is actively looking to help me and that he wasn’t just saying pretty words in his last email to me. He reached out to me with a posting I didn’t even see even though I had checked the hospital’s page just last night.

Currently Big Bad is waiting for me to finish writing so we can hang out tonight. We’re both tired so hopefully, it’s a quiet night we were both relax and unwind from our busy days. I’m looking forward to it, and the morning where we maybe do strength training. Tomorrow will be a dojo day for sure. Jujitsu so I can finally wear my new gi.

It’s still too clean. I need some blood, sweat, and tears on it. Can’t get my blue belt otherwise. : )

Daily Post 011: First Interview

Saturday. 10am. I woke up at 5 but decided that was a bit unholy so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I kept waking up, staying in the light fog of half-sleep half-aware, and making the choice to stay in bed, snuggling deeper into my blankets while Scarlet stretched all cat-like next to me.

It’s been so long since I’ve done that. Indulged in that. Rolled over and continued to sleep, knowing I’ve done well and that since there’s nothing pressing or urgent, nothing required, I can bask in the feeling of being in bed and secure.

And maybe it hasn’t been as long as I think. Maybe the past two weeks have been so busy and “normal” that it just feels like it’s been an eternity. Going to kickboxing yesterday probably factors into it. My body is still on the low end of the energy spectrum because of the intensity level. Almost 24 hours and I’m still not fully recovered.

I had suspended my membership to Title Boxing to try the dojo. The suspension lasted for three months. On February 20th my contract became active again, which means, yeah, I’ll get hit with the payment, but I also have access to go back to the gym which may in my favor. The gym opens earlier than the dojo, so I can go there, have a morning workout, then go to class. In the evening I can do one class at the dojo and still feel fulfilled. I enjoy morning workouts and I’ve missed being able to have them.

Since there’s not much I can do since my Title Boxing membership is a contract I would rather find ways to make it positive rather than being aggravated about it. I would also rather use it than not since I have to pay regardless of what I do.

I’m going to find out today when my contract ends. I’m fairly certain it’s around June. I’m trying to figure out my finances for the future and my membership is one of the variables I need to solidify.

I suppose I should mention that I’ve had two quizzes for my EKG class, which I’ve aced. I also had my first test this past Friday… jeez… yesterday. Friday was only yesterday…

I got a 95 on the test because I missed one question. It was in regards to the normal frequency value of the T wave on an EKG reading. Missing one out of 20 other numbers I had to remember isn’t too bad. I’m happy with how I did.

I had an interview Thursday. My first interview in five years. Only the fourth one ever in my whole life.

It went well. I was originally applying for a housekeeping position. Through talking to the lady interviewing me and finding out about everything I have done/am currently doing to enter the medical field, she mentioned that a resident caregiver position may be more in line with what I wanted to do.

I said that I had seen the position on their website, but I wasn’t sure if I was qualified enough to apply for it. She loved my resume and all of the answers I gave to the interview questions. She said my purple hair wouldn’t be an issue and that honestly, she hadn’t noticed it. It’s very non-offensive and if it does become an issue then wearing a bandana should be fine. She said she noticed my “pretty blue eyes” more than my hair.

She told me a bit about her journey with the company; how she started as part time answering the phone and is now the training manager for new managers. There were actually several stories of employees starting out in entry positions who are now directors or program managers of their areas. The company is very interested in supporting its employees and promoting from within.

She mentioned her office is located in the of the facilities she would be sending my resume to. There are two locations with part-time caregiver positions available. Both of them are fairly close to my apartment, so I think I would be ok at either, but I would prefer the Oviedo location since I know one person there, even if it’s only because I spent twenty minutes talking to her in an interview.

She asked what I wanted to do for my future, and I was honest and told her that I didn’t really know. I was more looking to “get in” and to see where it took me. We touched a bit on mom’s death and why I am having the change of direction I am. I mentioned I had thought about physical therapy. She said at her location there’s an on-call nurse who helps with physical therapy routines. It could be arranged for me to work closely with this particular nurse to gain exposure to what physical therapy is really like.

After a year of being with the company there’s also tuition assistance, so if I wanted to go to school for something the company would help me grow in that direction.

It’s interesting to think about staying with a company and moving upward. Full Sail didn’t have vertical moment. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had worked there for 10 years. Full Sail doesn’t count teaching as experience. I would have had to leave the school and worked a different job then come back if they even had a position open, or killed myself doing tons of freelance to ever have the “right” experience to become an associate course director or course director. I don’t even know what the qualifications are for a program director, nor do I think that would have been a position I wanted. It’s more business related rather than student/teaching related.

Anyway…

That was my first interview since mom died.

That was my first step towards gainful employment. At least I’m counting it as my first step. I’ve been filling out applications. I’ve been doing “stuff”, but this was an actual interview with another person, and it went well.

At the end I asked if she had any feedback for how I handled the interview and she said I did fantastic and I had nothing to worry about. It was nice to hear her high praise, at the same time I would have liked to have some sort of constructive feedback. There’s always room for improvement, right? I mean, I’m not perfect, so how could I have done better?

I think I could have answered the questions I was asked smoother. I mean, I answered them well, but there were a few times I wanted to stop and make sure I was saying what I wanted to the way I wanted it to be said. I think part of that is being an INFJ. I also think part of that is not being used to having to explain my reasons for things, like, “Why the change in direction?” I think the more I have to answer questions like that, the smoother and more ok with my responses I’ll be.

I know this interview might not pan out. I didn’t get a call yesterday, which I wasn’t really expecting one, but waiting over the weekend is going to drive me insane. If I don’t hear back by 2 pm Friday then I’m going to call both locations and ask if my application has had a chance to be reviewed.

Financially it’s not going to be a lot. At most, $10 an hour. I’m going to push for ten even though I was ballparked with $9.50 as a caregiver.

Mom’s retirement check came in. We have to wait for the court to do red tape nonsense, but that money should be in before too much longer. That will make things easier, but it doesn’t change the fact that I NEED Warren to step up and start contributing to the apartment. It’s not an, “it would be really nice if you would” situation anymore. I won’t be able to pay everything on my own.

I’ve been looking at job postings for EKG techs and there’s not much. I’m finding more for phlebotomy, which I’m not even sure I’ll be able to stomach yet. I think I could work through my fear of stabbing people with needles, but I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable taking a needle myself. I think the class is going to be rough, but I think I can do it. I think it would be easier to get a job in that area than some of the others.

I’ve also seen a lot of postings for PCTs, but I won’t be eligible for those until around May, potentially. Some of them are only CNA with an additional certification. So it’s possible I can get PCT with my CNA and EKG certificates. It’s possible I could be at the hospital as soon as the beginning of April.

I am scheduled to get my fingerprints taken for the background check required for the CNA test. That was $80 I wasn’t expecting. If it helps me get employed then it’s worth it. I’m supposed to have that done Tuesday before therapy since they’re in the same area. Figured I would do it smarter not harder.

Once the Board of Nursing receives my background check they will assign me a test date. Next week I’m going to start staying after class to practice the procedures again.

The first day of EKG class I saw my old instructor for the nursing course I took. It was fantastic to see him again and I totally gave him a hug. We chatted for a bit. I’m pretty sure he would be willing to help me. If he could watch me do a few of the procedures each day so they’re fresh in my mind I would feel more comfortable about my test.

Becoming a CNA would give me more options as well. I’ve seen several postings for CNA positions though not as many as PCT and phlebotomy.

I crunched some numbers in regards to my expenses and it’s going to be tight for a while. I’m not paying rent right now since the apartment is paid in full for the year. That means I need to figure out what I need to do when it becomes October and my living expenses go up by $500.

Currently, even if I was making $16 an hour full time, I would be scrapping by when October hits, and there’s nothing saying I’ll be making that much.

I still need to factor some things, but I think what I need to do is pay off my credit card before then. Right now I put $300 a month towards it. I need to seriously increase that. Getting the last bit of the retirement money will help. Getting paid back a few things that are owed to me will help. Getting a second job after school will most likely be what does the trick.

So I think that’s going to be my mid-term goal.

Short term Goals

Find immediate part-time employment
Complete CNA and EKG certifications
Complete school

Mid-term Goals

Secure full-time job
Secure seconed part-time job
Pay off credit card

Who knows, maybe I’ll like the second job and keep it to pay off my car after the credit card is done. After that there are the federal loans I still have, but with an extra $600 free from not having the credit card or car payment I may be ok with going back down to one job. Or who knows, maybe I’ll keep it and blast through that as well on top of being able to pay for my own place, no roommate needed.

All I know is that $10 an hour isn’t going to cut it, and even if I made higher than that it would still be uncomfortable.

School eats into a chunk of my day, and it’s not something I’m going to sacrifice on. I still want the dojo, so that’s another non-sacrificial part of my day. That means I don’t have a lot of time to give, but I can give a little. So that means, for the moment, I’ll get a little.

A little is better than nothing, and it’s a stepping stone. I don’t know where I want to go, but this is definitely a forward direction. And it’s into the area I think I want to be in. Or at least moving closer in that direction.

There’s a lot of unknown factors that may make this process easier. I’m not sure how much my uncle will want to pay for my portion of mom’s timeshare once the deed is divided. I’m not sure if Warren is going to get a better job and start to pay me back for helping him move or if Sir will be able to return the money I loaned him. My blacksmith was extremely happy with a template I made for him and said he would pass my name around the cosplay community which might pull in some extra revenue. There’s a potential side project where rigging would be needed as well, which a former coworker has reached out to me about.

There are all sorts of things that “could” happen.

Right now I know for sure, 100%, I can count on myself. So, with just myself, I can make this work by getting a job now, and then most likely a second job once my schedule frees up a bit after school.

Ideally, I would have a full-time job over the weekends. Three 12 hour shifts, which would leave my week open for training at the dojo and part time job to pull in a bit more money for my financial goals. Friday and Sunday I don’t go to the dojo, so I wouldn’t feel bad about missing anything. Ideally, this would be my higher paying job as well so I would be pulling in the most for my time.

The part time job I would be ok with making less since all of that income would ideally be going to the credit card. Or whatever debt I am focusing on.

I know right now I’m not in the best position, but I feel like it’s manageable especially with proactive choices now. I need to change my situation by October. I would like to have two jobs by June. One where I make close to $15 an hour, the other either $10 or higher.

So that’s sort of where I’m at. I’m definitely on the left side of my brain right now. Problem-solving. Number crunching. System evaluating. I need to talk to Warren about the storage unit because that’s a cost I think we can remove or at least lower. I’m going to be using part of the retirement check to finish off the phone issue with Zane’s line, which is more expensive up front but will save me money in the end. I may also switch back to Metro since that’s $40 a month versus $70 and I was happy with their service.

I don’t know if I’m really happy right now. I know I’m not unhappy. Maybe content is a good word. I’m content with where I’m at and I’m proud of a lot of the things I’ve been able to do the past two weeks.

I’ve been consistent with the dojo. And I say “consistent” when I’ve only gone twice, so maybe that’s misleading. I went Monday for submission grappling, which completely kicked my ass. After not being at the dojo for almost three weeks, one of which I was sick with a severe cold/mild flu, I felt like being completely tapped out was understandable.

As a result, I went for a light run Tuesday rather than going back to the dojo. Wednesday I did Muay Thai conditioning. Thursday I didn’t do anything since I had class and then my interview. I went to my sports bar afterward to celebrate by having two Angry Orchards while studying for my test the next day. Which, by the way, alcohol and studying totally go hand in hand.

I spent the evening with Big Bad playing Mortal Combat. We finally figured out how to do the super badass fatality x-ray moves. So brutal. So awesome.

It was an awesome night and I’m glad I was able to spend it with him. Since we went to sleep late we skipped our strength training in the morning, but that’s ok. I made up for it by going to Title Boxing for their noon kickboxing class after acing my test.

So yeah, as far as working out, this week has gone well. I’m going to be going to another Muay Thai class at the dojo in about an hour. Afterward, I’m going to be staying at the dojo to pull up the mats. Paul posted in the Facebook group that the dojo is getting new mats. They want to pull the old ones up so when they get the new ones tonight they can go ahead and place them down. I won’t be able to help out tonight since I already have plans, but I want to help in some way, so I’m planning to stay after class and do some of the prep work.

I already have laundry going, and eventually, once I come home and shower I’ll need to go do grocery shopping. This weekend is most likely going to be pretty chill overall. I haven’t celebrated my test yet. Maybe I can convince Big Bad to do pizza with me to celebrate. When I pass my EKG board I plan to get the shin guards I want from Venum. I haven’t figured out what to do for passing phlebotomy if I pass, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I feel like I’m doing better about taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I can tell my metabolism is picking back up. My endurance is coming back now that most of the cobwebs are swept out of my muscles.

Hopefully, things settle down a bit and I can find the energy at the end of my days to start writing again. Or maybe now that I’m not going to be spending my mornings researching I can write while drinking my coffee.

Not sure, but consistency with my writing is my next focus. I miss writing and every night I go to sleep without doing it I feel like I’m dishonoring myself. It’s not a giant icky feeling, but it is a small pinprick, a twinge in my heart chakra, of knowing that I didn’t put myself first. I let something else come between me and my feeling of closure.

I don’t like that, so I’m going to work to fix it.

I guess that’s a good way of summing everything up. I’m working. I’m doing. I’m moving forward. Not just in one area, but in several, and knowing that I have a heading makes a lot of things feel better. I might not get to where I’m going via the path I think I will, but as long as I keep in mind where I want to go, then I’ll get there eventually.

It’s a good feeling. A warm feeling. A solid, stable, confident feeling.

I’m being true to myself. I’m being honest with myself. It makes it feel like I doing things right and that mom would be proud of me.

Daily Post 145: Dealing with Sensitivities and Holy Shit Westworld

Yesterday’s post was a tired, beaten up post. At least that’s how my brain felt. Maybe it would have been better to just go to sleep instead of writing. At the same time, I think it was good to write about unpacking the chinaware. That was a pretty heavy experience and I’m glad I didn’t try to sleep with that weight in my mind.

Part of why I was up so late was because once I had gotten back from seeing Nicole I cooked the green curry so I could have something to eat. It came out really well and I was incredibly satisfied to have something with tons of veggies in it. Warren and I ate together in the living room and while we did he played an episode of Westworld.

Holy crap. After only one episode I’m hooked. We’ve watched two other episodes today. Soooo good. Soooooooo gooooood.

Since I watched an episode last night I basically missed out on an hour of my day. An hour I could have used to do my chores so I could get to sleep sooner. I really shouldn’t have stayed up as late as I did with as active as I had been all day. And I really, really should have had more water because I woke up this morning with a major headache.

Since I knew lack of sleep, lack of water, and a general lack of recovery and self-care was the cause of my headache I resolved to take today for myself. I drank half a bottle of water, took Advil, then went back to sleep. When I woke up again I had more water then showered since that was another major factor. I felt gross for not having showered the night before. I might have slept better if I had, but since I couldn’t go back into the past and do it, I opted for going with the option I could actually do.

Once showered and clean I was feeling way better. Still had a few headache cobwebs, but nothing close to the pain I had when I initially woke up. I went downstairs, had more water, made coffee, and had breakfast. Warren came downstairs shortly after I did.

We had a pretty… important?… conversation last night, though I’m not sure important is really the right word. So far I’m the only one who has spent money for tomorrow. Essentially I’m feeding Warren, Jon, and myself and, in my head at least, I’m the only one who’s going to be doing the cooking. And then the cleaning. So I was sort of miffed when I got a text message last night while with Nicole saying that vanilla ice cream would go great with the apple pie I had bought.

Irrational Brain Response: Then go buy the fucking ice cream yourself since I just dropped $60 on everything so far and I still have to go out and get other things.

Rational Brain Response: Do NOT send that message.

Ok… maybe miffed is downplaying it.

I want tomorrow to be a good day for everyone, including myself. At least as good as it can get with mom not being here and Warren being away from his family for the first time. I know tomorrow is going to suck for all three of us. I want to do what I can to lessen the pain since there’s no way to get rid of it.

I want to not feel used in the process of making it a bearable day, and the message asking for more stuff with no acknowledgment of everything I had already done, or would be doing didn’t sit well with me. In the past, I would have let these feelings fester, but instead of doing that we talked it out when I got home.

Warren understood where I was coming from and offered for part of the Thanksgiving expense to be put towards the money he owes me. That makes me feel better but at the same time, it’s like a broken record inside my head.

“I’ll pay you back.” Everyone always says that, and yet I’m still waiting for it to happen. I’m tired of hearing those words. I’m tired of money. I’m soul weary from it. And it’s not one individual person who is making this a sensitivity. It’s collectively everyone who has ever “borrowed” money from me.

It’s every time those words are said but actions don’t support them. It makes me not want to help anyone financially. It makes me feel like I’m a bitter, jaded person in this area of my life because I don’t believe those words anymore. I don’t want to hear them. Ever.

Do or do not. There is no try.

I have no complaints about the living situation and am really just venting my general frustration. I know Warren and my brother aren’t doing this intentionally and a lot of it is my own hang ups and not letting go of the past. I actually think Jon would pay part of the cost if I asked him to, which I might do tomorrow.

And I know it’s eating away at Warren to be so set back from his breakup with Amber. I know this isn’t the situation he wants to be in, where he’s financially dependent on others. He wants to help and is actually normally the person providing for everyone else.

As far as Warren’s side of the situation, all I can do is wait and I’m not good at that. I feel like I need to step back and breathe and give the situation time. I wish it didn’t feel so hard to do.

Everything yesterday added up to be a long and emotionally trying day. I was glad for it to be over.

The only major thing I did today was finishing up the shopping. Warren went with me. The store was crazy so it was nice to not be alone for it.

Corey is going through his own emotional discord apparently. We were chatting through Facebook messages while I drank my coffee. I had offered last night for him to come over for Thanksgiving, even if it was only to eat food and then ditch, but he declined. He mentioned this morning needing some form of protein to go with the sides he had already bought, and the subject came up of how the store going to be crazy busy.

Long story short, I offered to pick him up a rotisserie chicken from Publix since I was going to be out anyway for the low, low price of buying lunch next time we hang out. He was cool with the arrangement, so once Warren and I were done with the store we stopped by Corey’s apartment to drop off his holiday dinner. As long as he covers it with foil it should heat up fine in the oven to provide a warm Thanksgiving meal.

Since I was still feeling worn out from yesterday I ordered a pizza to have food for lunch / dinner today, got a chili mocha frappuccino from Starbucks because I’m amazing and worth it, then went home and watched two more episodes of Westworld before playing through half of the Heart of Thorns expansion for Guild Wars 2.

Pretty slack day.

Right now I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I’m most likely going to watch more Westworld, and eat too much food, and play Guild Wars, and fight to breathe through the pain that will be there when I stop to let myself think about it.

I wonder how well I’ll be able to play Guild Wars drunk…

On that note, since I’m not overly tired yet, I’m going to log back in and play more.

Daily Post 140: All of the Things and a Giant Middle Finger

Sooo… that writing streak that I had… yeah… didn’t stick with it. : /

Friday I got a bike. Woohoo. Warren drove with me to check it out since he has a truck. I wanted to make sure I would be able to get the bike home if I liked it and I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my little car since I still don’t have a bike rack. It’s on the to get list.

I rode the bike around a little, it seemed to pull a bit to the left, but overall it was a really nice ride. From my previous research, I knew I was getting the bike for a pretty good price, and it is in extremely good condition. So yeah, I am now the proud and completely content owner of my very own bike. : 3

Warren took me to the bike shop to have the guys give it a tune up. They said it wouldn’t be done until Monday most likely, which sort of sucked, but what was I going to do? Not get it tuned up? It needed a bit of work with the tires, and I wanted a starting point for its maintenance history. So I resigned myself to not getting the bike back until Wednesday since I was going to be out of town Monday.

Saturday I drove up to Daytona and had lunch with my brother. I cried on the drive up there. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that driving on I4 is the route I would take when I drove home to see mom…

Either way, I remember being tired because the previous days had been draining socially. Crying didn’t help make me feel energized.

Despite the crying at the beginning of the trip it ended up being a really pleasant visit. Jon and I talked about our plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We hashed out our game plan for Monday since I was going with him to South Carolina as an emotional support and to be his witness in divorce court. We got lunch at Hooters since we had memories of going there for wings with our dad. We ended the day by going to a card shop Jon really likes and played a few games of Magic the Gathering.

While we were headed to the card shop I got a phone call saying the bike was done and that I could pick it up. Hooray! I could totally pick the bike up on Sunday and go for a ride. That would make up for all of the socializing I was forcing myself through.

A really nice, long, solitary bike ride with lots of sun and good music from Spotify. Sign me up!

I left after three games with Jon since I had a card night to go to at Frank’s house. We’ve had it planned since last month, and actually the one last month I didn’t really go to. I went to his house and remade my resume and then went home to keep on trucking through updating my websites and such for the potential job at Corey’s company… Hard to believe that was only last month…

Anyway, yeah… Since I skipped out on the last card night I didn’t feel like it would be right for me to miss this one, regardless of how socially tired I was. Didn’t help that Frank was going to grill a prime rib because of a joke I had made about getting him coal for Christmas. He said to make it charcoal since that grills well. Fast forward through about five minutes worth of Facebook messages and he’s grilling an awesome dinner for me and everyone else. Totally not how I meant the conversation to go, but it made me really look forward to the night. I didn’t want to back out of it, especially when he had changed plans and was doing something special for / because of me.

So, like a diligent, timely, responsible adult, I left Daytona with plenty of time to spare because I wanted to make sure I got to Frank’s on time. Halfway through my trip back to Orlando my front right tire went flat. I was able to pull off to the side of the road without causing any sort of accident, but it still sucked because not only did I have a flat tire on the side of the interstate with no car jack, not that it would have helped me since I have never been shown how to change a tire, but I also found out I don’t have roadside assistance and had to pay $60 to have someone come help me.

It’s another moment where I’m aware of how much my mentality has changed. Just like with the car battery, I didn’t freak out or feel like the world was falling apart. Instead, I sighed, rummaged around for my insurance card which had a roadside assistance number on it and arranged to get help. Falling apart didn’t even enter my mind. Calling other people for help didn’t either. I was going to figure it out, one way or another, and I did.

The guys who came and helped me said my tire blew out in three places. One spot on the outside looked like I had hit something, but I didn’t remember hearing, seeing, or feeling anything odd while I was driving. Just a hissing sound, then “thud thud thud thud” which didn’t sound good at all…

They put the donut tire on my car and said I would be able to make it to Orlando fine, just to make sure I got the tire replaced in the morning before driving too much. Knowing I could make it back home helped keep me from going into a negative, worry-filled headspace.

My mind was already to-do listing it out. I knew the tires needed to be replaced, so I could get that taken care of in the morning before doing all of my pre-trip chores. Maybe I could get the car tuned up too since I was going to be driving for the trip.

I was a little late getting to Frank’s house, but overall it wasn’t too bad. I was beyond grateful for the dinner and drinks and good time which helped me relax even as it drained me of the last little bit of energy that I had. I ended up leaving around 10pm.

Sunday started with a phone call to see about getting the car looked at. With that taken care of, I started painting the baseboards in the office. I also did laundry because having clean clothes is nice.

When Warren woke up he agreed to run around doing errands with me. We took the closet doors for the laundry room down since they prevented us from opening the dryer door all the way. Talk about poor design…

Big Bad and I made plans to meet at a park later in the afternoon so everything worked out pretty well. Warren and I dropped the car off at the shop. That was expensive… but having tires is nice and worth it.

And I mean… if I’m honest, aside from oil changes this is really the first major expense I’ve had to invest into my car. So I really can’t complain all that much. It may have been cheaper to go to the dealership, but the shop wasn’t open on Sunday and I received excellent service from the staff at the Firestone I went to. So yeah, no complaints other than I would have rather not have had to spend that money.

Warren and I stopped by the storage unit to put the closet doors away. After that we went to the bike shop to get my bike. And from there we parted ways. Warren went to the dog park with Bruno and I biked over to meet with Big Bad.

Seeing him was a lot of fun, and I’ll most likely not say more about that particular part of my day.

When we were walking back towards his house it came up that I was going to be biking home and that I was only a smidgen worried about biking so far after having such a long hiatus from biking in general. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me biking such a long distance, which I was only mildly miffed about. The competitive contrarian inside my head wanted to puff up.

Irrational Brain: Screw you! I can totally bike that distance!

Rational Brain: No. Really… You might want to take him up on his offer…

We reached an agreement. He would walk to his house and get his van. I could keep biking and get as far as I could before he caught up with me. After that he would drive me the rest of the way home.

I told him to make sure the van said “free candy” on the side or I wouldn’t get in. XD

I ended up making it all the way to another park a few miles away before he caught up to me. I was pretty pleased with his comment of, “Wow, you bike fast.”

Pardon me while I mentally flex and feel like a badass even though I haven’t biked in literally seven months.

I’ve noticed Big Bad and I spend more time talking. Sharing stories. It’s like when we share coffee in the morning. There’s a comfortableness that I appreciate and value. It also reminds me of how there are a million ways to say “I care”.

Have you eaten?
Call me when you get home.
Put your seat belt on.
I hope you have a good day.

His concern over me biking home made me feel cared for and I appreciated him taking time out of his day to make sure I was safe.

It also meant when I got home that I got a bottle of water then biked down to the bike trail and proceed to do an eight-mile bike ride because I wasn’t going to be cheated out of a bike ride.

I wanted to see what it would be like if I biked to the gym I want to start going to and back. While it’s light outside it’s not bad, but I don’t think I would want to bike the trail at night. We’ll see how that ends up working out, but yeah. Having a bike again is amazing and I love it.

By the time I got back home from my experimental bike adventure the car was ready to be picked up. Jon had driven down to hang out with a friend and messaged me asking if I wanted to do dinner. Warren and I were both hungry, so we all met up at the sports bar for food and more Magic the Gathering while the jocks around us watched football because we’re nerds with no shame. By the time we were done hanging out I was exhausted.

I came home and had wonderful thoughts of continuing to be productive. Thoughts that were banished from my head the moment I laid down on my bed because I pretty much instantly fell asleep.

Monday I woke up and cooked some food so it wouldn’t go bad while I was gone. I also finished packing and doing the chores I should have done the night before. I was about thirty minutes late getting on the road, but all in all, the day was off to a good start.

I cried again on the trip to Jon’s apartment.

I made it to Daytona fine. Jon got in the car with his stuff and we continued on our way. We made it into South Carolina around 9:30pm. After checking into our hotel we went to a little dinner place that we used to go to with mom. We talked for a while. About her. About life. About different things that have happened to us in our relationships, both past and current ones.

We went back to the hotel after eating and slept. Well… he slept. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t sleep well in new places, and I hadn’t had a chance to do a workout so I had too much energy in me.

Tuesday morning came too soon, and yet not soon enough. We both woke up and showered. We got breakfast at a Waffle House. Another place we both have memories of mom at. We went to the place she always took us to get our hair cut. Jon and mom were pretty close to the hairdressers, so Jon wanted to stop by and say hi.

While we were there I got about two inches cut off of my hair. The ends were getting icky.

When we were done at the salon Jon and I went to see a friend of mom’s. Mrs. Terry used to babysit us. I have a lot of fond memories of paper mache and swimming in her pool and sleepovers and warm summer days playing outside. Mrs. Terry was amazing, and she was an extremely close friend of mom’s.

When Jon and I had been in South Carolina for the service we had tried to see Mrs. Terry, but it hadn’t worked out and we had to leave before we could contact her. Since we had time before Jon’s court appointment we decided to try to see her again. This time, if she wasn’t there, we were going to leave a card with our numbers on it asking her to call one of us. We knew she needed to know. Somehow, one of us had to tell her.

We didn’t need the card, though. She was home this time. She hugged me and ushered both of us inside. I was the one to tell her mom died. I explained what happened. We exchanged contact information. Jon and I briefly caught her up on our lives, and she told us what she had been doing. She said she had been thinking of mom and us for months and had never gotten around to reaching out.

I said we had been thinking of her, too.

After we left her house I was quiet, lost in my thoughts.

Me: “You know. It’s comments like that that make me feel like it’s unfair.”

Jon: “Like what?”

Me: ” Mrs. Terry saying, ‘She was younger than me.'”

I don’t try to stop the tears when I’m around Jon. I know he understands. They were rolling down my cheeks as I continued to drive. He squeezed my shoulder and we rode in silence for most of the way.

We went to the courthouse. Jon was nervous. Scott ended up showing up. He’s an ex that Jon dated for a while. Mom and really liked Scott, and I’m super happy Jon has been able to maintain his friendship with him through everything. It was good to see him.

I was sworn in as Jon’s witness, saying he and Nathan have lived seprately, that they haven’t reconsiled, and that if they had I would have known about it. It was the first time I had been to court. It was the first time being sworn in. It was an interesting experience.

Once it was done Jon and I went to an Irish pub for dinner then got back on the road to head home.

The trip wasn’t as bad as when I drove back with Warren, but it was a lot of driving in 48 hours and by the time I dropped Jon off in Daytona I was ready to be done with it. I didn’t get home until 11pm last night.

Warren was awake watching TV. I opened the door, hung up my keys, said goodnight and walked up the stairs. That might have been really shitty of me, but I had nothing left to give. I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep the night before, explained my mom had died and how, gone to court, and drove 7 hours in a single day.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide. I wanted mom to be alive so I could call her and tell her that I had made it home ok.

I didn’t bother doing anything other than crawling into bed. No unpacking. No checking the sink to see if there were dirty dishes. Nothing mattered. Everything could wait. Everything would be fine until the morning.

And it was.

I woke up today around 9am. I woke up tired, but it wasn’t an, “I didn’t sleep enough” type of tired. It was more of an, “I’ve done a crap ton of stuff in a short period of time with not enough downtime” sort of tired.

Warren messaged me around noon to see if I was ok and alive. My reply was “Ded”. His reply of “RIP” was cute. I apologized for my rudeness when I had gotten home the night before. He said he understood and figured I had been done with the world.

I didn’t get about of bed until 1:30pm and the only reason I did that was because my body demanded to be fed because it’s annoying like that.

Bruno sat outside with me while I drank my coffee. It seems to be part of the routine now. I enjoy his presence actually. He’ll sit in front of me and let me pet him. Sometimes he’ll lay down on the walkway in front of me while I lean against the door. He’s a German Shepard / Yellow Lab mix. He reminds me a lot of Diageo, Warren #2’s dog. I’m not much of a dog person, but both Diageo and Bruno are extremely well behaved, and they’re super lovable. The only way they could be cooler was if they were cats.

Warren came out eventually to join the party. Part of me wasn’t ready to talk, another part of me wanted to not be alone. The “not alone” part won out.

I brainstormed my day out loud since Warren was there. I also mentioned that was his “punishment” for intruding on my coffee time since that’s when I normally do all of my planning. If someone’s there I’m more likely to think vocally rather than silently.

I came up with five things I wanted to do today. Only five. I could relax the rest of the day as long as I was a little productive beforehand. One of the things I wanted to do was bike to the post office to check the mail. I was hoping doing something physical would help burn through the tiredness. Maybe it would even start a domino effect as far as productivity went and I would end up getting more done than I had originally thought.

It wasn’t that far of a ride. A little over two miles one way. It would have been a great ride except it wasn’t until I was standing in front of my PO box that I realized I had left the mailbox key in my car… you know… the one I left parked at the apartment…

FML…

So… Since there wasn’t much else I could do I biked back home empty handed. I had noticed before I left the apartment that I was out of Gatorade, so I figured all wasn’t lost. I potentially could go to the store, and while out and about for the store I could swing by the post office and still check the mail.

After doing a few other chores that’s what I did. Warren ended up going with me. I was grateful for his company.

There wasn’t anything super important in the mailbox.

Nothing important. Nothing that required any action on my part, but it was still hard to read. It was a letter from our lawyer in Vegas, the one handling mom’s estate. It was a notice that Jason is going to be appointed the executor and that there is a hearing on December 2nd. I only need to show up if I wish to contest, which I don’t.

It seems silly to me to have any sort of pain with reading something that really might as well have been junk mail. I knew Jason was filing a full probate and that he would be appointed the executor. I knew there was legal stuff that went along with that. One of those things being that it could be, but wouldn’t be, contested by myself or Jon.

Seeing my mom being referred to as deceased… reading those words… knowing that someone is going to say my mom’s name in court and on the record she will be deceased… it’s like the Universe taking a shank and stabbing me in the kidneys. Again.

You would think at some point there wouldn’t be fresh places to stab… I’m guessing Life is taking that as a challenge to prove me wrong.

I told Warren there weren’t bills, but that I had gotten the letter. My voice almost couldn’t form the words as I explained what the letter said. The date was the hardest thing to say. It felt like when I had been hiking with Jason and explaining how some days were fine and other days really sucked. It felt like I was going to choke on the date. It felt like admitting, vocalizing, those words would strangle me.

I told him I would have rather gotten a bill.

He squeezed my shoulder, much the way Jon had done yesterday after leaving Mrs. Terry’s house. Sometimes there aren’t words. Sometimes it just sucks and the only thing you can keep doing is moving forward. So that’s what we did.

We went to Publix to do the shopping. Since we were both hungry we went to Jersey Mike’s first. It was in the same plaza so it wasn’t much of a detour and I’m a firm believer of not shopping while you’re hungry. While we were waiting in line he hugged me, pulling me close, and again, I let the tears do their thing rather than fighting them. I hurt and I wanted a hug and I didn’t care if that made anyone else uncomfortable.

I’ve gotten to the point where anyone who has an issue with my tears can go fuck themselves. I’m not staying in bed being depressed and that’s great and all but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it still sucks or hurts. The tears help me get through the pain and to keep going and I’m not going to be ashamed of them. I’m not going to hide or feel like it’s wrong of me.

My mom died and my friend was giving me a hug and there were tears. There’s nothing wrong with that. Life doesn’t only happen behind the closed doors of homes or when it’s “convenient”. Sometimes it happens in the middle of a parking lot as you read a letter or while you’re waiting to tell the person behind the counter yes, I would like that on white bread.

The conversation over dinner was pretty non-existent. I was appreciative of the silence.

Publix was super crowded. Both Warren and I were ready to be home by the time we made it through checkout.

When I got home I finished up my to-do list, which had grown to 10 items. One was paying bills. That was mildly depressing. Money normally is. Mostly it’s the Verizon bill getting under my skin and how I’m paying $200 a month because I didn’t stick to my guns and let Zane convince me to get a new phone as a “gift” from him that I’m now paying for. It’s frustrating. It’s something I need to look further into, and I will, just not today.

And so that’s where I am so far. My to-do list is done. My blog is written. There’s still more I want to write about, but that was a lot of catching up so I’m pretty written out, and the rest of the stuff on my mind is more philosophical rambling which really is more of a musing moment than a daily post.

I’m glad about how today worked out. I’m glad I was still productive and did things and that one of the things I did was a workout.

On the subject of working out… before we got on the road I used my brother’s restroom. There was a scale, so I decided to step on it just for shiggles. I normally stay away from scales. They’re depressing. I’ve dropped pant sizes in the past so I know I’m “losing” weight, but the number on the scale stays the same, or in one case actually went up. The scale kills my feeling of motivation so I’ve learned to avoid it.

Well… I guess I’ve lost twenty pounds since the last time I weighed myself.

I’ve been feeling better about myself lately. I’ve been feeling more attractive and more confident and while I know the positive influences of Big Bad and my blacksmith are both factors to those feelings, I also know that my body is continuing to change and contributes to the feelings as well.

I haven’t needed the scale or numbers to feel good about myself and my efforts, but knowing that the changes are for real and not just made up feelings inside my head is… I don’t know… nice, I guess? Validating maybe?

I’m not working out for the numbers. I’m working out because I want to be healthier. Because I want to do a fraction of the shit my DnD characters can do. Because I want to kick ass during my race in February. Because I want to enjoy life and live it fully.

I’m not doing this to have an awesome weight loss story, or to fit in with societies standards. I’m doing this for me.

I haven’t meditated on this information, on this “loss”, so I don’t know where it goes in my mental filing system or what I really feel about it.

I know part of the feelings include vulnerability. I’m worried that it’s not enough. I’m worried people will still say hurtful comments. I’m worried that even if I was the “perfect” size that it wouldn’t matter because haters are going to hate. I’m worried that as I continue to lose weight that I’ll become fearful in my future interactions. I’m worried that I’ll wonder if the new people I meet would have befriended me if I were still fifty pounds heavier and that I’ll let that worry tarnish those friendships.

Currently, this information reminds me of the hurtful experiences in high school which caused me to become self-conscious about my weight in the first place. I’m reminded of when Warren #2 said he didn’t think I worked out as hard as I said I did at the gym because if I did I would have lost more weight.

There’s a lot of things to unpack and examine I guess. I haven’t really paid much attention to that aspect of myself, and I suppose that’s understandable. I’ve been so focused on staying afloat in the wake of mom’s death, and then finding a place to live, and then getting everything situated with that and having Warren #1 move in…

Well… I did all of that and still lost weight. Even though there are things for me to work through and even though I feel small and vulnerable admitting to this change in myself, I still want it to be my giant middle finger to Life and all of the bullshit it has thrown at me.

Me: Fuck you, Life. I can take all of that, figure shit out, and still move forward on my goals.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to a productive day where I set up a virtual machine to run Mac OS on my Windows desktop so I can finally have Omnifocus again. I’m looking forward to going through my “in” box and getting back to square one with my life. I’m looking forward to maybe picking out the models I want to rig for my new demo reel. And I’m looking forward to my first Muay Thai and Jujitsu classes.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

So I might be unstuck… I’m not sure yet.

I think I need to give myself a break. I think I need to stop beating myself up over not having a major goal right now. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am not going to be making a career change at the moment, so I think I should stop stressing over not having a career goal.

I think I should actually be giving myself credit for continuing to work on my degree. That’s going to take a lot of my time. I don’t think I should worry about having a job, and doing school, and doing a personal project, and possibly free lance, and making sure to have the laundry done and dinner cooked.

You know, I think I can take away the personal / career project aspect of my life and still make a pretty good argument for being busy and not wasting my time. Especially when right now I haven’t figured out the direction I want to go after this new degree. I’m still tossing the idea of the Army around inside of my head. Enlisted more than officer since that would be roughly a four year contract rather than six or more. But again, until this next year and a half is over, it’s just speculation and day dreaming, and that’s well and good, but it’s going to make me want things to be different and for the time being they’re not going to be different.

I think I would be happier focusing my energy somewhere else rather than worrying about things that aren’t important yet.

Ok, so if I’m scratching work off of the list for goals right now, what does that leave me with?

I want my Warrior Dash to be a goal still.

I realized this last night. I haven’t completed it yet. It’s still important to me, and by not including or counting it as a goal I’m devaluing all of the work I am doing to achieve it.

If it doesn’t count as a goal then why am I working so hard for it? If it’s not an achievement then why do it at all?

It is an achievement to me. It is something that I’m going to be proud of once I cross the finish line. I’m going to post pictures all over Facebook and I’m going to blog about it. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen because it’s going to be a big movement for me.

I don’t care if it’s inevitable, and that the night of Feburary 5^th I know I’m going to sleep like crap because I’m going to be so excited and nervous, because I know I’m not going to back down. It may not be a “crazy impossible” goal anymore, but it’s still a goal, and at the moment, for the next 30 days, it’s my main focus. Really my only focus.

And I think that’s how most of this year is going to go. Instead of having several goals going at once like I normally do, it seems that a lot of my goals are going to be linear.

First will be my race. Training for it, and then actually completing it. Once that is done I will return to my dojo. That following Monday actually is when I plan to return.

By the end of the month I want to complete my Kyu 6 test for aikido and begin working on my belts in ernest. I will try to advance through all of the ranks until by the end of the year I am Dan 1.

Through all of that I will be paying down the credit card. I realized that though I will have the card extremely low by the end of February, due to needing to buy things for the apartment once John and Trevor leave, the amount is going to go back up again. So it most likely won’t be paid off completely until about halfway through the year. Which I’m fine with, but since I’m not going to be focusing on career or income related goals, trying to pay both the card off and my car loan is pretty unrealistic and sort of setting myself up for failure, which is unfair.

So, realistic goal, pay off the credit card, for real this time.

I also want to do a second Warrior Dash some time this year. I believe there is a race in North Carolina in June, which is still fairly close to me, but there are other places like Texas which could have races and would let me, potentially, visit friends I haven’t seen in a while.

I could participate in a color run race, or try biking. Not really to win, but just to do it. Because I think they would be fun. I don’t think I want to have any goals with the Lance Orlando fighting. I think I would rather focus on aikido this year. That and school.

Those will be my main goals and along the way I will reestablish the habits I have let slip. The reading a book each month. I want to continue to cross stitch for pleasure rather than trying to turn it into a profitable hobby. I know my stress level is going to go up starting next week with the return to school and having homework to worry about again.

I’m going to need to care for myself so I don’t get burnt out like I did before.

There’s been good news in regards to the apartment situation, and the past few days have been pretty awesome even though I haven’t really written about any of the events that have happened. I’m sure I will later tonight, but I wanted to type all of this out while I had the time to do it and the thoughts in my head.

I may be “stuck” in Florida for now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have other things that are important to me. And just because I don’t have nine million things I’m trying to get done doesn’t mean I’m a slacker or letting anyone down.

School is going to be intense on its own. I need to give myself more credit than I do for working on my degree. I also need to put more time into my assignments than I normally do.

So school, racing / becoming a better, fitter me, Dan 1 in aikido, and annihilate the credit card debt. Pretty linear like I said. One domino after the other. One class at a time, one rank at a time, one payment at a time I’ll move forward on all of these things. Each month a slow progression to a larger, bigger destination.

I suppose it helps that it is winter. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to regroup. It’s ok to not always be busy or have irons in the fire. It’s ok to sit and not be defined by what project I’m working on.

I think realizing that helped. I am more than my goals, and I think for a little bit I forgot that. Goals are important and they give us direction, but they’re not everything and just like with friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

Maybe this is one of the reasons Winter is hard for me. Maybe I’m not good at sitting still and this is something I should work on. For all that I’m about inner peace and mindfulness maybe I am still missing the big picture. It’s not about being busy. Just like with writing, how it’s ok to not write and how silence is just as important if not more so. Stillness is just as important as action.

Stillness is where we prepare.

Daily Post 060: The Last Day of Survival

Today seems like a blah day. It rained earlier this morning for about an hour or so. It was sunny while I had breakfast so I sat outside eating a full breakfast sandwich. Normally I only do one slice of toast with an egg, some cheese, and a few slices of bacon. Not today though. I did two whole slices of bread, a full egg sandwich, because I’m a rebel without a cause. Maybe I’ve been playing too many chaotic evil character in my Pathfinder games… It’s rubbing off on me.

It was a nice way to start the morning, but as I was looking off into the distance sort of spacing out I realized that it was still super cloudy out and that it looked like more rain. And wouldn’t you know, right now it’s raining outside again. I’m hoping it stops before 4pm which is the latest I can hang around before leaving for work.

I’ve biked in the rain before, but it’s always been after work. I would rather not do it before work. Being stuck in the computer lab while wet would be a nightmare since they’re so cold. I’m sure I would have ice crystals forming on me by the end of the night.

Today is my last day of “Survive the Week”. It’s also payday which leaves me in an interesting spot.

I had an email saying it’s my one year anniversary with Torrid, a clothing store. Ari has been wearing super adorable tops, and apparently that’s where she got them from. I took about an hour to poke around on the site and found some things I like. There’s also a bunch of Christmas savings and blah, blah, blah… Basically all these “reasons” why it would be ok to be irresponsible and spend money that I shouldn’t be spending.

Before I did anything I went onto my banking site to take care of the responsible stuff first. You know… just to see just how irresponsible getting new dress tops would be. I just got done buying all of my workout stuff, but the only “nice” tops I have are the ones from the Salvation Army…

Me: Stop justifying impulse buying. /pokes brain with a qtip.

So this is where things get sort of interesting. I have a paycheck today, and then one on the first of January. This paycheck is supposed to be used to pay all of my “first” bills, only… everything is current until the 1^st. So… aside from car insurance and food I have no bills….

After calculating everything out and making my extra payment on the credit card I have $780 sitting in my account. I could get two tops, get the bike a super duper tune up, and pay Alex back for the furniture he gave me back in February when I lived with Joshua. All of that and I would still have extra money that I could put towards the card.

I admit, I’m no where near where I want to be with it. then again, when I was originally setting up my goals I wasn’t expecting the shopping spree I did for my gym stuff. I wasn’t expecting a $100 vet visit. I wasn’t expecting to have to by a few hundred dollars worth of bike stuff either. Or training sessions at the gym for my race, or the race fee itself. Oh yeah, and certification practice test books and the test fee, plus the gas money to drive to and from Jacksonville in a single day just to take the test. The cost of the hotel and gas money for when I went home this Thanksgiving… I really could go on and on listing out all of the things I have spent money on, and there is a small, tiny part of my brain that cringes while the rest of me stands up, puffing my chest out in defiance because hell yeah I spent that money.

I spent that money. I spent all of that and then some, and it was all on stuff that I absolutely love and cherish, and it’s all stuff that’s going towards making me a better me. It’s all stuff that I wanted to do. I’m not going to feel bad about wanting to run a mud obstacle 5k. Or getting warm clothing so I don’t freeze on my rides home. Or a spiffy cool purple and black bike helmet so I look badass as I dodge the cars that almost hit me.

The bike tune up is the last thing I’ve been kicking around inside of my head, and I was thinking about saving that until the new year. It was going to happen at some point anyway. Shane and I are thinking about doing our bike ride on the 21st or 22nd, so getting the bike tuned up this weekend would be a smart option. The chain has started skipping again on the higher gears, too. I think that has to do with not down shifting when I should have been, but I’m getting a better feel for it. I might have knocked something out of alignment, but if it gets fixed up with the tune up, I don’t think it would be a continued issue now that I’m getting better about my gears.

Something else I thought was interesting. I checked out the points I’ve earned at the bike shop so far. I’ve earned enough to get a free water bottle. But the nifty thing with that is after a certain point you start earning gift cards, which you can use on new bikes. If I saved all of the gift cards I earn from points alone I would get $440. That’s basically the cost of a new bike, and I think that’s how I’ll work it. I’ll keep Zane’s maintained and earn points for it, and then in June, after my second race, use the points to help go towards a new bike. My very own, super awesome, totally fantastic, the first one I’ve ever picked on my own, bike.

I like the way that idea feels inside of my head. It would have felt like I earned it rather than just randomly going out and dropping money. It would make the bike mean so much more to me.

I like the idea of having a handful of tops that I can wear on date night, or to work on the few days that I don’t bike. I guess it’s worth noting that I would get an extra $10 off the tops because it’s my birthday, plus everything is buy-one-get-one 50% off, and if I ship it to the store it’s free shipping. I mean… if I’m going to be irresponsible I should at least do it responsibly, right?

Me: Behave! /pokes at brain again

I like the idea of taking care of a debt that I’ve had listed on my to-do list for a while. I know Alex doesn’t expected to be paid back, but I want to pay him. And what a perfect time to do it. I could send a check or money order with a Christmas card for him and his girlfriend.

I’m going to sit on these ideas for a little bit, but that’s what I have going on inside my brain at the moment.

I also have grading that I need to do. It’s only eight projects, and since they were fairly good on the last turn-in I’m thinking they’re going to go pretty fast for this one as well. That would be fantastic. Not having to spend my whole morning grading.

Zane had taken out the trash and cleaned up the kitchen a bit before going to work, so the apartment wasn’t the disaster I was expecting when I got home. The first thing I did was text him saying thank you because it really did make my day insanely better. Since there hadn’t been much time in the morning I hadn’t even thought that he would have done anything before leaving to work. There’s a part of me that’s ashamed for having that mentality. For instantly thinking that he wouldn’t at least try to do something.

It’s something I plan to meditate on. I know it was unfair mentality of me to have.

I made some pretty significant progress on my commission, and after posting my previous blog I did a pretty good job of being ok. I wouldn’t go as far as to say happy. But I wasn’t depressed and I wasn’t as agitated, either.

I played Chime for a bit when I got home. After loading the dishwasher and running it. I also ate first since between 7am and 5pm I had only consumed 400 cal. Not cool. Zane packed a hookah when he got home. Not a flavor I super liked, but it wasn’t terrible. I showered eventually and ran back out to school with the car to retrieve my backpack. I didn’t feel like riding home with it. Guess that makes me a slacker.

I slept pretty well the whole night. Zane stayed up again. He had to make brownies for his potluck thing at work. I really feel like I’m just rambling at the moment. I don’t have a clear picture of today so far since I haven’t really ironed out my to-to list.

Grading, and I suppose cooking lunch. Zane wants me to cut up the veggies for him so he can cook the Shepard’s pie tonight. Showering might be a good idea… So there are things and stuff to do. It’s before noon so I guess I’m doing good.

It’s the last day. I got this. I can do this. I’m awesome. I’m… going to try my best not to crawl back into bed. It looks so lonely though, and it’s all rainy and stuff… We’ll see what wins out, nap time or productivity.

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