Daily Post 126: Slackin’

Emotionally I’ve still been sort of all over the place. Tuesday was where it really started tanking downhill but I’ve been slowly recovering to the point where I’m at today. I screamed in my car on the drive home from the dojo Wednesday and I cried again Friday night, but both of those times were healthy cries that I feel I needed to have.

I’ve been struggling with feeling lonely and I feel bad for Ox because he seems to take the brunt of that discord since he’s the closest person to me. Jon called Tuesday before I left for class. When I answered the phone I was pretty much already in tears. He knew instantly that something was up and asked if I was ok. I told him that nothing was really wrong. I was just sad and he said he hoped I felt better.

It sucks when I’m like that. I feel bad for the people around me. There’s really nothing that anyone can do. It’s something I have to get through, breathe through. I still don’t know what to do to make the pain and loneliness go away. There isn’t a “fix” other than time. There’s a part of me who feels like I shouldn’t need another person; I should be able to figure my emotions out on my own and not require outside forces to pull me out of my sadness. Because of that mentality, I don’t reach out for the support that would probably help me get through my downs faster and easier. I don’t like thinking that I “need” someone. Needing means you’re dependent, so what happens when suddenly they’re not there anymore? How do you keep functioning then?

It’s another topic in the long list that I have that I eventually need to meditate on. All I can say is right now I still make it through those times. I might not make it through them with the grace I would like, but I still come out on the other side so that hopefully still counts as a win.

All of that aside, Ox and I are doing well I think. We spent most of yesterday shopping for me again. I got winter socks from Walmart. We went to a few stores looking for snowshoes but were unsuccessful in finding something I wanted to spend money on. I did get a pair of snow pants to go over my work clothes. Ox and I talked about that for a while. Originally we were thinking about getting me a few sets of thermals, but since you wear those under clothing, it would be annoying to put them on, then my scrubs, drive to work, undress then redress so I don’t overheat while I’m working the floor. Getting something that could go over my clothing seemed like a smarter option for the type of work I do. So I got a pair of black snow pants for $40 since they were on sale. I haven’t worn them yet aside from trying them on, but I think I’ll like them and I think they’ll work well of what I’m looking for. Right now they’re folded up and waiting for our next snow day.

I was also able to find a long-sleeved shirt that I like. It has thumb holes!!!! I got two of them since I figured I’ll only be wearing them, maybe, on my days off. Two should suffice. I really like them. I wore one yesterday once we got home from shopping to get a better feel for it. It’s soft and stretchy. The hand part fits snuggly, and with the thumb holes, I don’t feel like my wrists or fingers are being restricted. With having lived in Florida for so long, I don’t like wearing long-sleeved stuff much, and with how often I wear workout gear, I don’t like clothing that doesn’t stretch or move easily with me. It has made finding winter things that I like a little harder than what it most likely is for other people. I have very specific criteria for what I’m looking for. Luckily I’ve been able to find things that match what I want, it’s just taken a bit more time and not settling for “good enough”.

Overall, it was another day of win for the shopping list. Only snowshoes, scrubs, and potentially pants left to go.

We also stopped at a few places to price mark laptops since that is something on my radar. Right now it seems like I would be spending around $500 for something along the lines of what I want. Not bad, but not something I’m going to do right now. During one of our conversations, Jon brought up the fact that he has yet to pay me for the Surface I gave him while we were in Vegas. That would be $200 I could put towards a new laptop.

There are still a few other options I want to look into before settling on something. I would like to investigate more into a Chrome book since Google runs my life. Regardless of what I find, I most likely will hold off until Black Friday / Cyber Monday to see what deals pop up. Not “needing” a laptop means I can wait for a while. There’s also the marketplace thing for my work that might have decent deals.

One of the things we got last week was a gallon of apple cider with a bottle of caramel vodka. It’s an amazing mix. Just throwing that out there though I am very aware of just how many carbs are in 8 fluid ounces of apple cider alone. So worth it.

I didn’t have breakfast containers for yesterday or this morning so I made breakfast bowls with tater tots, onion, pepper, mushroom, salsa, sour cream, cheddar cheese, egg, and steak. It turned out really good. It’s the first time in a while I’ve had anything potato related. I guess it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure, but it’s been an extremely pleasing breakfast both times.

My meals for the week are done since I froze my leftover soup and chili from last week. Both of those recipes make eight servings, so the food shopping for this week was pretty light. The only cooking I have to do today is my roast and that’s pretty much just putting it in the oven and letting it do its thing until I need to cut it up.

I did laundry yesterday since I spilled my Bang a little bit on the bed. Talk about a party foul. : /

I still need to put the clothes away and repack my gym bag. Aside from potential school work, though, my day is pretty chill as far as chores are concerned. Roast, clothes, lunch for Ox, taking care of the cardboard tote… Yep, mostly just minor things.

The cut on my left hand is doing better, but now I have a cut on my right hand which sucks. I can’t win for losing apparently. I don’t even know what I did to get this one. I happened to look down while I was putting groceries away yesterday and noticed it. It sucks how something doesn’t start hurting until you notice it, then it’s the only thing you can think about. Still no signs of infection or anything. Just a little red around the edges from being angry because it has to bend so much. Stupid fingers and their bending… >.<;

Oh… on the subject of food. The chicken taco soup actually turned out really good as leftovers. I’m happy about that because when I first tried it I didn’t know if I would be able to eat it for a week straight. I think the next time I make it I’ll either use a different seasoning since I’m not a huge fan of the chipotle flavor profile or use regular cream cheese instead of the jalapeno flavor. I do think the base recipe is a good one and that with slight modifications it could be added regularly to my rotation.

I went to the dojo both Wednesday and Friday night. I only stayed for one class each time, but they were good classes and I’m glad I was there. I got to do drills with one of the guys on Friday. That was fun. He’s a teenager, most likely around 16 or so. After our first few rounds of drills, we were both more comfortable with each other. We’re both going to have bruises on our shins for a while, but that’s part of it.

I think the more I keep going, the more I’ll get to know everyone, the more comfortable and at home I’ll feel. I enjoyed working with the instructor and I do think I’ll enjoy being his student.

I still need to mess with JeFit but during one of the conversations with Jon the subject of it turning my music off came up. I guess it’s a setting I need to poke around with because his music plays just fine with the app. Good to know. If I feel ambitious today I might take a look at it.

I’ve still been cross stitching. I feel like I’ve been making a decent amount of progress on it. I didn’t take a picture last week, but I will later tonight before going to sleep. I’ve decided that since I haven’t been posting pictures for this project on my blog, I’ll wait until it’s finished to do a post with all of the progress pictures. That way they still get posted, but it’s not a “six here, one or two there” sort of thing. They can all be together.

School is going well. We had our first exam. I got 104% since I got the bonus question. Everyone passed. I didn’t see anyone else with my score though. A lot of 100%s, but it seemed like everyone else missed at least one question.

I still haven’t figured out my scrubs yet. I need to get that taken care of sooner rather than later. I also need to get my background check completed along with obtaining my school ID so I can participate in the clinical portion of the class once it gets to that point. I’m saving both of those tasks for Tuesday because my future self is going to need something to do.

Work has been surprisingly quiet and smooth. We hired a new nurse, though she has several years of dialysis experience so she’s not really new. I met her Wednesday. She’s pretty awesome. Friendly. Knowledgeable. I feel secure as a PCT with her. She’s going to be our float nurse for the next bit and I’m ok with that. I think we’ll work well together once we figure out a flow.

The acid machine got fixed at work, so I mixed a batch of acid Friday. I was having anxiety over it the whole time, waiting for smoke to start billowing up again. It went flawlessly, though. The pH tested within range and I was able to transfer it to the holding tank. I’m not sure if we’re going to use the jugs until their gone or switch over to the batch of acid I made when we open on Monday, but either way, the clinic is taken care of and ready to go. Woo!

I didn’t work overtime this week. It’s the first time in a while. I got permission to start using my PTO to round out my hours on the weeks that I don’t reach 40 from working at my clinic alone. I used five hours this week. Hopefully, that will slow down how quickly I’m earning PTO hours and keep them from capping on me. I would rather not have to cash my hours out since they’re taxed so heavily if you do it that way.

I was supposed to have a work outing yesterday night. There were plans for bowling that Ox and I were voluntold to go to. It got canceled though since I guess most people weren’t able to be there. Totally not heartbroken about it. I liked how my day went without the added stress of having to go be social, too.

Oh, and the FHM meeting was interesting. I’m hoping to be invited to more of them in the future, but even if I’m not, I’m glad I had the experience. It was nice to meet our medical director and to see another side of the clinic.

So yeah… I guess that’s about it. I’m doing alright in a tentative, low energy sort of way. I know I’m sensitive right now and I’m trying to be mindful of that fact. I’m looking forward to working on Monday and going to my class on Tuesday and to the dojo on Wednesday. I’m glad I wrote and I’m glad that the sun is out and shining even if it’s a cold and windy day.

It feels like a decent day.

And with that, I’m off to continue being a slacker. : 3

Daily Post 125: Snowy Nebraska

I went to the dojo on Friday. I worked Saturday. It snowed today. I work tomorrow. I bought a winter jacket that was supposed to be $100 for only $50. Totally feeling like a badass over that still.

I don’t really know where to start or what to write about.

I guess I should mention that I cut my middle finger knuckle on my left hand Friday while I was opening boxes at work. That sort of sucks. You don’t realize how much you use something until it hurts you to put pressure on it. It’s a pretty clean slice and it doesn’t look infected. Just in a crummy spot for healing since fingers bend so much.

I got invited to go to the FHM meeting for my clinic this coming Tuesday. Facility Health Management. It’s basically a meeting with all of the higher ups who evaluate our clinic based on metrics. I’m essentially going to be a fly on the wall. My FA extended the invitation to me since she thought I would be interested in seeing the other side of the clinic. The business side. The only perspective I have is that of being on the floor interacting with our patients. I don’t know what happens with all of the data we record and keep track of. I’ve never met our medical director.

Even though I won’t be paid or in any way compensated for going to the meeting, I want to be there. I want the experience. I want to know the other side, the one my FA has to contend with in addition to working the floor three days a week.

The dojo was a good experience. It’s small. No one showed up to the Hapkido class at 6 this Friday so the instructor and I got to spend an hour working together. He showed me a very broad overview of the style. We even got into weapons. Switchblade and gun. I stayed for the cardio Muay Thai class. It’s more of a conditioning class rather than focusing on techniques, but I still enjoyed it. He helped me a lot with my footwork and I could feel a massive difference in the power of my kicks.

I want to keep going. I could make Wednesday and Friday classes. If I drove into Beatrice on Saturdays I could do the classes on those days as well. Since I ended up working this Saturday I didn’t, but it’s an option. It would be $65 for unlimited everything. $65 a month with no contract. That’s actually a pretty awesome deal.

It felt good to sweat that much again even though I know I’ve worked out harder in the past. I haven’t gone to the gym since Friday’s classes at the dojo. I did find a new app thanks to my brother. JeFit. It’s pretty nifty. Maybe it will help give me more focus when I work on my own.

I tried a new recipe this week. Chicken Taco Soup. It came out alright. Nothing amazing. The roast for my breakfasts should be fine since I didn’t overcook it this time. I’m doing chili again as well. Just sort of that type of weather. Since it’s cold outside I want things that are warm. Coffee included. I found a new coffee creamer. Dark chocolate peppermint. It warms a part of my soul. <3

There’s a part of me who likes the cold weather and that there’s snow on the ground. It feels right. With it being so cold there should be some visible sign and here in Nebraska, there is. It reminds me of when I took my trip up here and had my interview back in January. It reminds me of when I first got “home” that night in February. I guess I’ll always have a special spot in my mind for snow now. So many of my recent changes happened while it was covering everything. While the world was white and sleeping my path changed and so far I have no regrets over seeing where it would lead.

Ox and I just ran up to the gas station to see how the roads were. There are some dry spots so hopefully, it won’t be too awful when I have to drive to work tomorrow morning. I’m still leaving about 15 minutes early and my FA has already messaged me saying to take my time. She would rather I arrive late than to get hurt driving too fast.

The South Lincoln clinic ended up having issues Friday and wasn’t able to run their first shift patients. Their FA called me specifically asking if I would be willing to help them Saturday morning. I told her that I didn’t have anything going on and would be willing to help but that I wasn’t cleared to mix bicarb and that I didn’t know any of their door codes. We got that worked out and it was a fairly smooth day. I didn’t mind going in. I’ve wanted to see their clinic for a while now. I got to meet their RN who was extremely kind and friendly to me. Their patients were also kind and welcoming. They appreciated my willingness to come in so they could have their treatments. It was a good experience and it gave me a few hours of over time.

This is the week where I got paid for my 5 and 4 day work weeks on top of getting the second installment of my retention bonus. It was a nice paycheck, which is greatly appreciated and needed.

Ox and I went with his kids to play mini golf yesterday as a belated birthday celebration for both of them after I got home from work. The weather was nice and it was a quaint, pleasant outing. I ended up winning and there’s a childish, silly part inside me who feels accomplished about that. My dad used to golf. When we lived in South Carolina he would take me behind the fence of our backyard. There was a pretty big field out there and he would let me hit balls with him. I didn’t realize that I still enjoyed the challenge. I didn’t realize how much going out and doing something so mundane and family oriented would please something inside of me. I’m glad I went. I’m glad I was a part of it.

After golfing, Mama Ox picked up the kids. Ox and I went to a Goodwill to try to find me some winter clothing. That was a bust, but I did find a decent pair of white shoes for cheap to wear when I begin the clinical portion of my class. One thing off the “to-buy” list. Woo.

We tried going to a few stores to find a winter jacket. Dick’s Sporting goods wanted $230 for theirs so we noped our way out over to Sear’s. All of their girl coats had fur-lined hoods or gold flashing clasps. I didn’t really like any of them. The guy selection was extremely limited. I didn’t see anything that I liked enough to spend money on.

We were about to call it quits when Ox suggested going over to JC Penny. I could tell my energy was fading pretty fast. He offered to drive us over to the entrance even though it wouldn’t have taken much for us to walk there. I’m glad we went. I found the perfect coat in the Men’s section. It’s a 2XL so it’s big and long. It goes almost down to my knees. It’s nice and roomy on the inside and soft and fluffy and it’s black with no fur lining or gold flashy stuff anywhere. Just a nice, big, black coat. And it has a billion pockets! So much love. And it was a super awesome price. I’m happy with it. I like wearing it.

With one of the most important things off of the list, we headed towards the Walmart near home. We stopped at Slim Chickens for dinner. It’s becoming my go-to choice for when we go out. They have good salads that are in line with the health goals I haven’t been working towards. You can get chicken tenders grilled rather than fried, so if I ever wanted something other than a salad I have options. It’s not as awesome as my sports bar from Orlando, but I like it. I already have a “my spot” at the one we seem to be frequenting. It makes me happy that I am finding spots since that was something I knew I was missing. It’s a place I could see myself going to and studying before going to class. It’s a place I could see myself writing at if I ever happen to get a laptop again.

I felt a bit better after Ox and I ate but it didn’t last very long. While we were at Walmart I started getting a headache. My hamstrings, which had already started the day off sore, were reaching the point of pain. I was pushing too far on too little sleep and my body was informing me, none too gently, that I wasn’t being kind to it. Ox agreed to save most of the clothes shopping for a different day and so we switched our focus to the foodstuff we needed to pick up.

We did get two new pillows for the bed. With him being on his computer and me making my nest of blankets and pillows while I cross stitch, we’ve noticed a shortage in the pillow department, even though Ox says we have too many when we go to sleep at night, which is total blasphemy because you can never have too many pillows.

I really like my new pillow. Like my jacket, it’s nice and soft and fluffy. I think it was a good investment. I got a husband pillow while we were there as well and I’ve enjoyed stitching with it behind my back today. It feels like I have a proper cross stitching nest now. I can sit cross-legged in my corner of the bed with my threads and highlighter and pattern papers and clipboard, all tucked in and covered with the blankets that smell like Ox and me and home.

Since we bought pillows that meant we needed to buy new pillowcases, too. I got a new brush as well since the one I’ve been using has started losing its bristles. I’ve had it for years. I don’t know how many. Five or more. I guess it was time to replace it. I’ve only used the new one once so far so I don’t know if I like it or not. We haven’t grown accustomed to each other I guess. Sort of like when I first got my car. We had to get to know each other, which might make me sound crazy since I’m talking about inanimate objects, but there you go. I bond with everything, hair brushes included.

I ended up spending close to $200 at Walmart with roughly half of that being on “frivolous” things like the pillows. I was sort of kicking myself about that on the drive home. I still need to buy thermals and wool socks and a good pair of snow boots. I shouldn’t have spent $100 on “nothing”.

The more I thought about it the more I felt like I was thinking about it wrong. I’ve wanted more pillows for a few months now. I’ve wanted the husband pillow. I worked a crazy amount of overtime. I’m allowed to buy things with my money. I paid all of my bills before we went out earlier in the day. I have everything covered. So I might end up spending $300 extra this week instead of the original $200 that I had set aside from my winter gear budget. I don’t think spending an extra $100 is all that bad. I’m still going to be putting a huge chunk towards the credit card and paying off my CNA class.

I’m allowed to buy a few things for myself every once in a while. I don’t know why there’s a part of my brain that has such a hard time understanding that. I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify it to myself. I bought those things because I wanted to and they made my day and evening nice.

I did most of my cooking today. The clothes are washed and dried though they most likely won’t get put away until Tuesday; maybe Monday evening if I’m feeling up to it.

Tuesday, after the meeting, I plan to try to do the last bit of winter shopping since I’ll be in town.

I’ve still been stitching. I’m on the last page of the pattern. It’s the page with the most work on it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my progress seems to slow down, but I’m content with the progress I’ve made. There’s still a bit of work I want to get done before going to bed or taking my picture of it for this week. Since I still need to shower as well I guess I’ll go for now.

I feel like this post rambled sort of all over the place, but it was nice to write while my second cup of coffee sits in front of me getting cold. It feels normal. It feels nice. It feels like I don’t hate life and that I’m not as angry that I’m still living and mom isn’t. I know there’s still a lot of emotions for me to figure out and I know that it’s drawing closer to the season and days that hurt the most, but right now, I’m… happy? I don’t know. It feels more than content, though.

I like my stitching nest. I like my jacket. I like my coffee creamer. I look forward to those things. I liked my day of mini golf. I want it to not be wrong to like those things. I want it to not be wrong to want more memories like that and I know the only person struggling with the feeling of wrongness is me. The only one struggling with the feeling of happiness and belonging and home is me. It’s me, inside my head, that rages and screams and cries that it’s wrong. How can I be happy? How can I enjoy things? How can I look forward to things? How can I breathe and not feel anguish?

I still miss you, mom. I will always miss you. I miss you every day, every morning. Every time something happens and I can’t call you and have hour-long conversations about nothing. I’m finally to a point where I can go out and buy pillows and a hairbrush and not worry about skimming from my food budget to do it. I’m going back to school. I’m being invited to facility meetings. I’m doing good, mom. I miss you but I’m doing ok and I really, really hope all of this would make you happy. I really hope deep down that you would be proud of me for all the things I’m doing. I miss you mom, but I didn’t give up and this is where I am. In snowy Nebraska learning how to keep living life. I love you. Forever and for always.

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Daily Post 121: My First Pregnancy Scare

There have been a few developments.

My training was canceled today since my trainer had something come up. Since I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and have to reschedule my training on that day, too, I’m not sure if I’ll actually get to see my trainer this week. At the moment I’m not terribly worried about it since I’ve been getting to the gym on my own. I feel like I’ll still make decent progress for my next weigh in.

Since today was my day off, I have spent part of my morning being an adult and working on tasks which should be on a to-do list but I haven’t taken the time to actually write one out.

The first thing I did was look into my medical records from Florida. I wasn’t sure when my last pap was done. During my appointment two weeks ago my doctor asked me to have my records sent up to them so if a pap needed to be done we could add it to my appointment this Thursday. Well… I didn’t get my records transferred, but I did figure out my patient login information for the clinic where my obgyn was at. I guess I’m due for one. Yay… said no women ever…

I tried calling my doctor to let them know the pap needed to be added to my appointment. I’m sure I could have gotten a bitchier receptionist, but it would have been a struggle to find one. I explained the situation to her, how my doctor had told me to let them know if a pap needed to be added, and that it did so could we do that?

Apparently, no, we can’t since placing an IUD and a pap are two totally separate procedures which can’t be done at the same time. I don’t know why not, but, I thanked the unnecessarily bitchy receptionist for her time and said I would call back at a later date to figure out the pap since I wasn’t sure what my schedule was like for the next few weeks.

I’m hoping when I go in for my appointment on Thursday and explain to my doctor what happened that she’ll be able to work something out. I really don’t want to have to add “go back to the doctor” onto my to-do list. I’m sort of tired of going there and I haven’t even had my second appointment yet.

At least I have that figured out, though, so I can work on getting everything resolved. I plan to print out the medical release form to take in with me on Thursday so they can handle all of that nonsense along with printing out a second copy of my health screening sheet for my work’s insurance. I don’t want to get there to find out they lost the one I had before. I’m NOT going back for a sheet of paper. I’ll boy scout the shit out of this appointment and be prepared for all possible outcomes instead.

Since I got that taken care of as much as I could I moved on to calling the bank to see what’s going on with my car title since I still haven’t heard back from the DMV and it’s been over 15 days since I started that process. Well… according to the amazingly helpful representative I spoke to, the bank hasn’t received anything… Great. You had one job to do, DMV. What the fuck?

The guy was super nice about it and we started that process over the phone. They are going to mail me all of the papers I need. Once I receive the papers I can go to the DMV and get the car inspected and the plates switched over. That’s going to be between 15 and 30 more days. Arg. >.<;

At least I know what I’m waiting on now. I’m planning to go ahead and pay the citation on Friday since that’s payday. My court date was set for the 19th so… yeah… that will be done and over with and all I’ll have to do from that point is wait for the papers. I’ll be as done as I can be for the time being.

I’m picking up part of a shift this Friday at Cap City. That’s after I would have worked a full 12 hours at my own clinic. I’m in the mindset that I need to try to pick up as much extra as I feasibly can to help pay for the CNA class I’m registered for as well as for my future LPN expense. The more I make now, the more I can pay things off or potentially save.

It will be roughly another three or four hours on my check, plus travel time. All of the patients should already be started on their treatments by the time I get to the clinic so it will be a matter of discontinuing treatments, cleaning, and closing the water room, which I’ll be slow with, but I’ve done it in other clinics before so as long as I have the P&P I know I’ll be able to get through it.

I offered to pick up an extra shift on a Thursday at Cap City which would have me out of there between 2 and 3 pm. There are also two Saturdays that I know of where I would be working about the same. 4 am to roughly 3 pm or whenever census hits. If a bunch of patients don’t show up then I might be out earlier. 3 pm at the latest though, so what’s what I plan for.

I get my second installment of the retention bonus this month. That should land next paycheck I believe, or the paycheck after it. That will help. My Concur report for last month’s traveling expenses was approved so that should be deposited into my account within the next few days. Both of those things, the bonus and the report, will help me financially.

I’m trying to reach out to Warren to see about the money he owes me. Even if it were only $100 a month, $25 a week, it would be better than nothing. Any help is help.

I want to make school work for me. It’s possible I could be an RN in as little as two years if I blow through school. I guess I could add that to my to-do list for today… actually applying to the college and shit so I can… I don’t know… maybe actually take the classes I keep talking about…

That might actually be better saved for next week when I have money since right now I have less than $50 in my account and I know they’re going to need “official” transcripts and those are like $15 per… Arg. So lame. I have until mid-October to register so as long as I don’t slack too long I should be alright.

I guess the last thing to write about is the pregnancy scare of last night.

Yep… that totally happened.

So, yesterday was a rough day at work. My back was still sore from whatever I did to it on Saturday. Not as bad, but annoying enough that my patients noticed and commented on it so I had to explain how it hurt and they hoped I felt better. The day itself was hard. We had an RN shadow. A patient almost passed out during that. Another patient broke her ankle a few weeks ago and had a hard time transferring into her chair so my arm was sore from that.

I mean, I know I’ve worked harder days before, but yesterday just sort of sucked. I was mentally and physically done by the time I got home. I crawled into bed and Ox laid down next to me.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m so tired.

Ox: Maybe it’s because you’re pregnant. I mean that would explain why you’ve been so hungry and tired and the mood swings.

I know he meant it as a joke. Logically, I know being hungry has more to do with how much more I’ve been working out. Same goes for the tiredness. But my brain couldn’t process jokes at the time. All I could think of was how I’m getting my birth control replaced because it’s nearing the end of its lifespan and how horribly fucked my life would be if I ended up getting pregnant.

Here I am, about to start classes. I can’t afford to live on my own, much less financially support a child. Everyone in my life would think I was a failure. Ox’s parents would hate me and would think I’m no better than his previous relationships. I would be the white trash chick mooching off of their hard earned income. I’m not even their child and they would be having to help support me because I’m not adult enough to do it on my own. That’s not how grandparenting is supposed to work.

On top of that, what would my brothers think? I would be proving Jon right; that I can’t be trusted to be responsible and make smart choices. My life would be ruined, just when I’m starting to get it figured out, again, after mom’s death, and here I am potentially fucking it all up over something as stupid as unprotected sex.

Oh, and to add salt into this logically improbable wound because it’s not like I’m not going a good enough job on selling the whole “You done fucked up A-Aron” thing… Mom’s dead so it’s not even like I have someone I can call and cry to about it and have her soothe my scrapped knee and tell me things will be alright. No. I’m totally on my own with figuring this shit out. Mom isn’t here to help me or guide me. I have to learn to be a parent alone. Fucking fantastic.

You know what would make this situation better? Crying. Yeah. Crying is totally going to solve everything so I’m going to have a breakdown for the next forever. K. Thx. Bye. : D

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I cried. A lot. And not the typical “I’m stronger than this and I’m going to try to hold it in even though I really just need to have a good cry” type of cry that I do. No “silent tears” and putting in effort to hold my shit together…

Nope. This was a total “100% zero fucks given, I”m going to cry until I’m done crying” type of cry.

I told Ox it was most likely just from being so tired and that all I needed to go was literally to go to sleep but that’s not what happened. We actually went out and got a pregnancy test. It’s the first one I’ve ever used. It was negative. I took a shower afterward. I had Chinese for dinner instead of my burger and didn’t care about carb count or that I shouldn’t have rice at night. I even had ice cream for dessert because fuck yesterday. When Ox noticed I had ice cream I made a quip about how I resisted the urge to add pickles to it since I have a messed up sense of humor.

My birth control, according to my medical records, doesn’t need to be replaced until the end of November, so it’s not like it’s in the last dying days or anything. There’s also the whole “potentially poly-cystic” thing and being infertile that I was told when I was 23, so realistically, the odds were never in my favor for the test to be positive, though a false negative is more likely to happen than a false positive. Either way, the whole situation last night was totally not how I had envisioned my night going. It led to a lot of very blunt and honest conversation between Ox and me.

Everything I was feeling was because I wouldn’t have been able to handle “my problem”. Getting pregnant, to me, in my head, meant that I had to figure out everything. On my own. Alone.

How was I going to afford a kid? How was I going to figure out where to stay? How was I going to figure out work and babysitting or daycare? How was I going to figure out doctor appointments? How was I going to figure out my life? How was I going to be a parent?

Ox: You wouldn’t be alone. It would be us figuring it out.

Me: I don’t understand “us”.

And I guess that’s the biggest thing I’m learning through this situation and all of the countless others that I’ve had since moving here and starting my relationship with Ox. Ox helps pay for groceries. He helps cook breakfast. He helps switch the laundry. He helps put icy-hot patches on my back.

I’m not alone anymore. There is an “us” and I’m starting to understand what that actually means.

Ox: You know, even if you had been pregnant, we still would have been ok.

We both agree that right now wouldn’t be the best time. I’m still going to my appointment on Thursday and having my birth control replaced. I’m still planning to go to school. I’m still planning to make myself more financially stable than what I currently am. We’re still going to work on completing the addition.

There are no plans to start a family or anything along those lines. But I also don’t think it would be the horrible end of the world that I initially felt it would be.

I talked to Jon about it this morning.

Me: So… This is totally a hypothetical question and I want to assure you that I’m not, but… would you think I’m a failure if I got pregnant?

He said no. He said he would be worried about me. He thinks I would make an extremely good parent, but since I already have a hard time staying here with Ox’s parents rent free, that it would be extremely hard for me to stay there rent-free while also having a child.

I told him my fear of people thinking of me as a failure and that his opinion mattered to me and I didn’t want him to think that I had ruined my life if the test had come back positive.

He agreed that now most likely wouldn’t be the best time, but that no, he wouldn’t think of me as a failure and that he would support me and my decisions. He said family sticks together and he would be there for me.

It made me feel better.

That’s about it on my end. The hot mess express has departed. I’ve put the clothes away. I’ve taken care of some pretty important things. I need to shower so I can get to the gym. I need to stop for gas so I can make it to work tomorrow. I’m most likely not going to SCA practice today even though it’s one of the last times I’ll be able to for a while. With all of the excitement of yesterday evening, I’m pretty ok with just chilling at home and playing video games.

It feels like fall already. We’re past the Summer Solstice and I can feel that in the energy. There was a week of rain recently and since then things have been significantly cooler. It reminds me of what fall felt like in South Carolina. It’s sweater weather. Soon people will start making chili and having cups of hot cocoa. It will get darker sooner. It’s a slow time and I sort of want to indulge in that today. I’ve done my adulting. As much as I can. I’m going to go spend the rest of my day enjoying my day off, all unpregnant like and stuff.

Daily Post 120: Nice Feelings

Over a week has passed since I wrote.

The two-year five-month mark has come and gone. I talked to my therapist over the phone that day. It was good to hear her voice. I got to talk to her about my concern with my grief; how this year seems to be harder than the past two years and how the sadness seems to last longer when it wells up. I got to talk about work and how that’s going. I got to tell her about signing up for the CNA classes and my plans to enroll in the LPN program once I’m certified. I got to tell her about how Ox and I are finding balance with the kids while they’re here and how I’m adapting and finding ways to still be ok as an introvert while having significantly less solitude than what I’m used to. I got to tell her about my trip to see my brothers, and how that sparked playing Stuffed Fables here and how well that is going.

I feel like not a lot is going on in my life as I sit here and type this. A lot of it has been routine it feels, which is sort of nice. It feels like, for the most part, things have been stable.

Work has been work. One of our patients brought my FA and I a care package with another card. There’s another bag of the beef jerky I like in it along with a giant bag of Starbursts. The days have been going smoothly. Three different RNs have applied for the open positions at my clinic. My FA said if all of them seem like a good fit she’ll hire all three. It will still be several months for them to get through training, but I feel like we’re on our way to being able to open the clinic back up on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The one tech who applied should be working her way through training at the moment, so maybe in the very near future my clinic will actually have a full team once again and my FA can focus on actually being the FA rather than having to cover our need for RNs, too.

Ox and I are doing well. We’ve had some heavy conversations over the past week. At the time they felt unresolved. We had addressed an issue but no “next action steps” were identified so it felt like a void of badness inside my mind I guess. I knew we weren’t not ok, but at the same time, we weren’t fully ok either. It made it hard to eat after our conversations. It made me want to be alone so I could try to figure things out even though I knew there was nothing I could figure out on my own. It was an “us” problem and only the two of us working and talking together would be able to figure out a solution. I’m not sure if anything has really changed, but we did have some extremely connective moments which have made me feel more safe and secure in our relationship.

Those moments feel like a turning point for me. One of them happened after I got home from work on Friday. For the first time in a while, I actually felt like myself. I had energy to give and things didn’t feel pointless. I WANTED to go to the gym after our time together. That’s after working a 12-hour shift. Nuts, I know. I rowed for 20 minutes AND did weight machines. I even did arms because, fuck it, I’m a badass that’s why.

It’s been… nice, and I know that sounds sort of lame but I do think that’s the right word to use to describe it. I feel whole. I feel real. I feel like I’m no longer waking up and moving through the motions. I feel intention and purpose again. There’s myself and my wellbeing and my goals and I have a partner who cares and supports me and I support him and even if things are hard or rough in some areas we’ll figure it out. That’s the type of feelings our interactions foster within me. Yes, things might not be perfect and we might not have exact “next action steps” but we’ll be ok. When we cuddle in bed and he holds me and whispers into my ear, “It’s ok. WE’RE ok,” I believe him.

Because I feel like the relationship is ok I can focus on external things like the gym or the house or whatever tasks need to get done. It frees up and promotes so much more… something… within me. I don’t feel as injured or alone. I don’t feel defeated. I feel like I can take on a task and complete it and actually feel a sense of accomplishment from doing it.

I feel like me and I’ve missed this feeling. So yes. It’s a comforting, reassuring feeling and so the term nice is the one I feel fits best. It’s soft and calm, yet still strong, like the sun warming your skin during one of the first days of summer.

I went to the gym again yesterday, rowing and doing the machines again. I’m not sure if I’ll go today. I’m pretty much done with all of my food prep. I need to do laundry. I need to replace my contacts. I need to print off the medical release form for my doctor. Ox and I are supposed to take the cardboard out since Nebraska passed a law shortly after I moved here where you can’t throw it away in the trash anymore. You have to take it to be recycled. I like the law, but it means the tote we use for cardboard can get pretty full. Right now it’s a bit overflowing with cereal and cracker boxes and I want to fix that, so it’s on the “to-do” list.

I’ve still been playing Final Fantasy and enjoying my time in the game.

I realized this morning that an expense that’s going to be coming up is having to buy winter clothing. I only own one pair of pants, and those are pretty thin yoga pants. Not the ideal winter wear. I don’t own snow boots and I only have three sweaters; no coats.

Jon and I have talked a few times. He’s starting to meal prep and working on losing weight. I’ve been able to share some of the tips and tricks I’ve learned during my own experience. I’m supposed to send him a few recipes. Hopefully, by writing about it I’ll actually remember to do it. It’s nice to hear him talk about how he tried different things and how this didn’t work, but this did and he wants to try this other thing. He’s figuring out what works for him and that’s amazing. I’m happy for him.

I think that’s about it for right now. Like I said, no a whole lot has happened. Mostly just day to day living. I’m sure if I had written as things happened I would remember more.

Oh. I did go to the SCA meeting at the library this past Wednesday. The barony’s marshal was there and he helped me get the padding cut for my helm and took measurements so I could have one made in the future. With CNA classes being held at night, I most likely won’t be able to go to practice for the next two months or so, but I haven’t given up on being part of the society and I still plan to participate as I can. I know that the padding is just two circles of foam, but much like everything else small and silly, they mean a lot to me. They represent someone’s time and effort. It’s a sign of them trying to help me be a better me and I cherish that.

Well… since that’s about it, I think I’m going to go for now. My leatherworker has some levels to gain and there’s a quest line I need to work through with my black mage. I don’t foresee a lot happening today and I’m ok with that. It’s the weekend and I think I’ve finally started to understand how to enjoy downtime and relax. That, too, is a nice feeling.

Daily Post 119: Future Classes

God. I don’t even know where to begin.

I had a doctor’s appointment today. I spent most of the morning feeling sick and fighting off feelings of nausea. I wanted to have fasting blood work done during my appointment, so I hadn’t eaten since 9 the night before. When you’re used to eating breakfast at 3 am waking up at six and still not being able to eat sucks. I had a headache from not drinking enough water the night before, which is another story I might come back to.

I wanted to print off my paperwork for school so I could take care of that while I was in town for the appointment. That took forever… FOOOORRRRREEEEEVVVVVER. Not even joking. I had two cigarettes, packed everything I needed to which was another five minutes roughly, went to the gas station to fill up the car, came back and still had to wait for the final pages to finish printing before it was done… It was only 19 pages. Not impressed. Not even remotely.

So… since I waited for that I was late to my appointment and labeled as a no-show. The receptionist said I might have to reschedule.

Me: Please, don’t do this to me Universe. Take whatever karma you need to, just please let me be seen today.

The receptionist made a few calls and after a couple of minutes which felt like an eternity, I was told I could be seen. There were a few cancelations and they could work me into the schedule.

My blood pressure was a little elevated. 150/90, but I’ll take it. It’s better than what it used to be and with how icky I was feeling and the normal anxiety of being at a doctor’s office, I’m not overly worried about it.

I got to talk to the doctor about my coughing. Since the antihistamines I’m taking are working to relieve my symptoms, she doesn’t feel doing blood work to find out what I’m specifically allergic to would be worth my money. Since I’m stressing over how to pay for an LPN program, I’m sort of on board with the whole “not spending money” thing. I’ll just get to have fun saying I’m allergic to Nebraska when anyone asks.

I have another appointment on the 13th to get my birth control replaced. In the meantime, I have to reach out to my previous ob-gyn and have them send over my medical records to see if I need a pap done since I don’t remember the last time that happened. If I’m due then they’ll add it into the appointment on the 13th. If not we’ll have a better time frame for when I need to schedule that, which never would be ok in my book.

I also was prescribed a cream to help with a rash that I’ve had for a while. I don’t think I’ve ever written about it. I mean… it’s sort of gross to talk about medical stuff sometimes, but it’s a fact of life. I’ve had this red, annoying area around my neck. I was prescribed a cream for it before, back when I was dating Warren #2, and it went away. It eventually came back though and nothing that I was prescribed afterward really worked. We’ll see if this prescription does anything or not. I didn’t want to drive back into town today when I got the call that I could pick up the cream. I’ll most likely go in after work tomorrow to get it.

Once I was done talking to the doctor I was shown to the lab area where I got my blood work done. Since I have to go back in a few weeks, I’m picking up the paper I needed for my work insurance premiums then rather than having to make a special trip just for that.

Overall, my new doctor was extremely helpful and concerned about my well being. We touched on the topic of my smoking and the sadness I struggle with due to my grief. She said if I ever needed anything to reach out to her and wanted me to know she was there to help me.

After I was completely done with my appointment I made a beeline to Arby’s and had lunch. Zero fucks given. I had a protein shake in the car with me, and a baggie of grapes and neither of those things were working to quell the nauseous feeling of my stomach. The small sip of the shake I had almost didn’t stay down, and the grapes were too sweet for how empty my stomach was.

The thought of an actual sandwich, mentally, felt better. I was hoping it would help with most of the headache issue, too, since by then I had already had two litters of water.

Lunch seemed to work. I started feeling better the more I ate. I made sure to eat slowly, so it took me a while to eat the whole sandwich, but that was ok. I started filling out my paperwork for school while I was eating. Ox also called me while he was on his lunch break so we got to chat for a bit.

When I was done eating I went over to the Southeast Community College campus and signed up for their CNA classes. More on that later. The big takeaway at the moment is that the class I originally wanted to take down in Beatrice is going to be canceled because there are not enough people signed up. So instead I’m going to be doing a different one which will be offered in Lincoln and have me completing the course December 4th. It’s paid for already, thanks to my credit card that I’ll never be able to get rid of, but it’s a step down the road I have finally made a decision to travel down.

Those two things, the doctor’s appointment and class registration, where the main things I wanted to get done, and I did them. With that taken care of, I came back home, took headache meds, ate my breakfast container of roast which I had to forgo earlier, then crawled back into bed to sleep, hoping I would feel more like myself when I woke up.

When I did wake up I was disoriented at first. I thought I had overslept for work, which was confusing because Ox wasn’t next to me and I didn’t think he would leave for work without making sure I was up as well, especially because I would have already been ridiculously late at the point. The more I struggled to understand what the hell was going on, the more I remembered that I had taken a nap and that it was still my day off and it was cloudy outside which is why it didn’t look as late in the day as it was.

I remembered I had felt like crap the whole morning and took a few minutes to figure out my status post-nap. I felt better. Sort of groggy, but the headache seemed to be gone and I didn’t feel sick anymore. Woo!

I had a cheese stick as my snack then got to work in the kitchen. I prepped a lot of the stuff I needed for dinner since I had said the night before I would cook dinner. I made Ox’s lunch for tomorrow. I made sure my water filter was full and that the dishwasher was unloaded and the sink was empty of dirty dishes. It was pretty relaxing to mindlessly do things. Cleaning and prepping food is easy for me at this point and not having to do hardcore problem solving after such a crummy morning was nice.

Ox called when he was on his way home. He agreed to pick up the broccoli I needed for dinner along with some of the groceries I originally was going to add to the weekend shopping list. It felt very homey and domestic. I don’t remember ever having someone able or willing to get groceries for me. Warren #1 was always either broke or didn’t remember when I asked. Zane never had a car so I was the only one able to do the shopping. Warren #2 didn’t shop unless it was with me… I usually went with Mother Earth and Josh when we shopped for the house…

Yeah… I don’t remember a point of time where it was something stable and consistent within the relationship. It’s a foreign feeling, but one I like. I’m not the only one doing things. I have a partner who helps. We help each other.

I cooked stir fry again using crab this time. I liked it, though Papa Ox said he liked the chicken I used last time better. The kitchen is already clean and everything is ready for tomorrow morning, so there’s nothing chore wise left for me to do, and that pretty much brings me to the end of the day today.

Yesterday, Wednesday, ended up being way different than normal. Tuesday evening around 5:30 pm I got a text message from my FA asking if I would cover a shift in South Omaha Wednesday morning. Roughly 4 am to 4 pm.

I didn’t know how to answer at first. I mean… who’s going to cover my shift in Beatrice? Am I going to be able to get a hotel room Tuesday night or do I have to drive up Wednesday morning, meaning I would have to wake up at 2 am? Am I closing the water room?

I got answers to all my questions. Someone from Cap City would cover my clinic and I would go up to Omaha and help them out. No closing the water room. I would most likely leave before 4, but it would depend on census. They would cover a hotel if I got one, it would depend on if any of the hotels had rooms.

I agreed to work the shift. If I couldn’t get a hotel I would wake up early and drive. My main concern was making sure my own clinic wasn’t screwed by me taking the shift.

So yeah… Tuesday night I drove up to Omaha and spent the night in a hotel room by myself where I had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. Even though I liked the solitude, I didn’t like that I wasn’t near Ox on such short notice.

The shift wasn’t bad, though. I got to see one of my favorite RNs and I got to see two of the techs that I really like. I got to meet a lot of new patients while seeing some that I already knew. I got a lot of compliments.

Patient: You did really well. Thank you.

Me: Thank you so much. And you are most welcome. : )

I don’t get a lot of compliments or words of encouragement from the patients at my clinic anymore. I’ve seen them three times a week for the past six months or so now. It’s pretty routine. They feel safe with me. I know their accesses. There is one who always says, “Very good,” once I have him started on his treatment. He’s the one I infiltrated. Still my only infiltration. I still get to spread his blanket out for him every time, and he’s even asked for me specifically when other RNs are working the floor so my FA can do FA stuff.

It’s a warm fuzzy feeling any time I receive praise. And it’s another moment where the Universe makes me pause and realize how far I’ve come in such a short amount of time.

Me: Good morning. I’m Jen. I’m a tech down at the Beatrice clinic but I was told that your clinic needed some extra help today, so I came to hang out with you guys. Is it ok if we go ahead and get your standing blood pressure and temperature?

Everyone was super nice and from the comments I received, everyone was comfortable with me and satisfied with the care I provided.

I got out around 3ish, which put me home around 4. I got to game for a bit before Ox got home, but I was pretty dead and tired. I was running around in circles farming flax for my weaver since that was about all I had in me to give mentally.

When Ox got home we went to the gym. I wasn’t all that jazzed about going. I’m glad we went, though. I rowed for a bit and stretched afterward. When we got home I cooked burger for my dinner and gamed a bit more before going to sleep. It was hard falling asleep next to him which might have contributed to the ickiness of this morning. Two nights of not sleeping well. Lame. : /

While we were in bed I realized I had taken off my mom’s ring at the gym since I didn’t want it to get messed up while I was rowing. I hadn’t put it back on before we left and it wasn’t until we were holding hands in bed that I realized I had forgotten it.

Me: Oh my god. I forgot my ring.

Without even questioning, Ox got up and started getting dressed. He drove us back to the gym where I hurriedly walked inside, resisting the urge to run frantically to where I had been, imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios where I would never get my ring back ever again.

It was right where I had taken it off, sitting next to the seat of the rowing machine, untouched.

Ox didn’t have to go with me. He didn’t, and doesn’t, have to be the amazing and supportive person he is, but he is and the more we’re together the more I appreciate him and am grateful that he’s in my life.

So that was Wednesday leading into Thursday.

Tuesday was pretty awesome and where most of the headway in my life took place.

It started with Ox and I having our morning cigarette together. I had breakfast. I had a fairly slow morning before I got ready to go to the gym at 10 am. I had a decent workout with my trainer. I’m down another pound, which puts me at 15 total since I’ve started working with him. He said once I reach the 20-pound mark I get a free t-shirt. I don’t know why that gives me more motivation than what I’ve had in the past, but it does.

It also makes me realize that I’m close to being close to 60 pounds lighter than when I first started. Five pounds away from that number.

While we were talking, my trainer asked what I had planned for the week. While I had been at home that morning I had started applying for the LPN program only to realize I didn’t know if they wanted me to enroll as an undeclared student since I needed to do the prerequisites for the program first or if there was a special way they wanted me to enroll. I had sent an email to the LPN admissions specialist, but at the time I hadn’t gotten an email back from her.

I told my trainer that since I was in the area I was thinking about going and talking to admissions in person and to get a feel for where the college was located and how the campus was set up. He said he would text his wife and see if she had any free time to meet with me since she’s the chair for the LPN program.

Left Brain: … What…

Right Brain: Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!

I knew his wife worked IN the LPN program… I didn’t know she was IN CHARGE of the LPN program. Pardon me while I have a mild anxiety attack over meeting with the head honcho.

While I was in the middle of stretching out after rowing for about 20 minutes after my workout, trying not to think about this potential impromptu meeting, my trainer came up to me.

Him: I got you an appointment. It’s at 12:30.

Me: Today?

Him: Yep. Today.

Me: *More freaking out internally*

I so did not feel ready for a meeting. None of my questions were written down. What was I going to do? I didn’t want to interrupt her day. I didn’t want to waste her time.

I thanked my trainer multiple times for arranging the appointment. I even had time to kill after I had showered and was done with the gym. I stopped by the Walmart in Beatrice to return some dryer sheets since I had gotten the wrong scent and still made it over to the campus early. I sat and formulated my questions and got an idea for what I wanted to accomplish from the meeting, and with notebook in hand, since I always have a notebook with me, I headed inside for my meeting with the head of the LPN program.

There wasn’t a waiting area. I figured out where the room I needed to be at was and sort of poke my head around the door frame, unsure of what to do. I was super early but the door was open and there wasn’t a receptionist.

Mrs. LPN saw me and welcomed me in warmly. I told her I appreciated her taking time out of her day to meet with me and that I knew I was early. If she needed me to wait until later I could.

Mrs. LPN: No, no. You’re fine. Come on in.

We discussed what I was interested in doing. By then I had gotten a reply from the admissions specialist informing me that courses were changing and that I should check back in with her in September once the transition was figured out. That left me with more questions than answers, and luckily Mrs. LPN knew everything about the transition and gave me all of the information I needed for my next steps.

There’s going to be a full-time program starting in April with a part-time program starting next fall. Regardless of which program I do, I need to be a CNA with a Nebraska license. The prerequisites listed on the website currently are going to be included in the upcoming program, so I don’t have to take them beforehand, though if I do, it would put me ahead of the game. She also said if I know my goal is to eventually go into the RN program, there are other classes I could take which would correlate with that particular path that, again, would put me slightly ahead.

Unlike my brother’s LPN to RN program, there is no waiting period between bridging from LPN to RN. As soon as I obtain my license I could begin taking classes for the RN program.

So my next action step was to register for the CNA classes, which I got accomplished today. Go me. Since the CNA program is listed as continuing education and not an actual degree, I don’t have to be registered with the college to take the courses. No transcripts, to transfer credits… just sign up and pay and your good.

If I go through the process of actually registering before October, I can begin taking official classes in January for the LPN / RN thing I want to do. I’m not sure how to go about the program itself, though. My next hurdle will be figuring out how to financially afford classes. Paying for one or two might be doable. Paying for the whole program is going to be harder, especially if I go down to part-time hours at work and focus on school full time. I’m not sure how I want to go about it yet. I’m not sure how the clinic is going to change in the next few months.

The tech who shadowed is going through training at the moment. Once she’s through in the next couple of months we’ll be able to get a traveling nurse for a contracted length of time, which will allow our clinic to open six days a week again. So, things are going to change, I’m just not sure how, or specifically when, and even if I did, there’s a lot of time between now and when the full-time classes start, so really anything could happen.

While I know this obstacle is on the horizon, I’m going to focus on this first task first. I can’t get into the program at all without completing my CNA. And I guess this is a lesson learned. I’ve already taken a nursing assistant course back when I was in Florida. I never went through and took the test to become certified, though, so I can’t “challenge” the test and prove that I still know what I’m doing because I never proved I knew what I was going to begin with.

Part of not testing was anxiety over taking the test itself. Part of it was struggling with accomplishing things and being “successful” after mom’s death. Part of it was getting the job with DaVita and not needing to become a CNA anymore to increase my employability. My certification in phlebotomy falls into the same boat in that regard.

Looking back at it, it would have saved me $500 to go ahead and get certified. I guess this is a moment where I eat my words. I try to live with a “If you’re going to do something, do it right the first time so you don’t have to redo it later, ” mentality.

Well… here I am, redoing it… because I didn’t fully follow through the first time. I think I did well for where I was at during that point in my life. I’m pretty sure it’s going to make this course easier. I’m not worried about the lecture portions being online. I actually prefer that because it means I don’t have to spend eight hours of my day off in a classroom listening to things I already know. I can go through the work at my own pace and only have to worry about showing up for the clinic portions of the class, which since I know how to do all of the procedures, I might be able to leave class a bit early once I’ve demonstrated I can do them. I’m not sure, but there are options. And being employed in the health field, my instructor might be willing to work with me.

Getting out of class at 9 pm would mean I don’t get home until around 9:30 which means, most likely, not going to bed until 10 or later when I have to be awake at 3 am the following morning. It would only be for two months, but it’s still going to suck if that’s my time frame.

So I have that going on. Officially becoming a CNA so I can start work on LPN.

Work this past Monday was… work. Monday sort of sucked even though it was a smooth day. I was beat up by the time I got home and I don’t really remember much else about it.

The weekend was nice. Ox built the counter for the space to the right of the stove in the kitchen. I got to help draw the lines on the wood so it could be cut. I got to help hold the boards still so he could use the saw. We went to different stores looking at kitchen organization stuff. We got lunch together while we were out.

There wasn’t anything that I 100% liked, though, so at the moment the kitchen is still a bit disorganized. Ideally, we would get rid of the cabinets that are there and get new ones which would allow us to hang the pots and skillets, but that means potentially redoing the drywall, which may lead to having to put in new insulation…

Yeah… It might be a bigger project than any of us realized, but… It seems silly to spend money on a temporary option when all of the work mentioned is going to have to be done down the road. It feels like a waste, not only of time but also of money.

So I’m not sure what’s going to happen in that regard. We have the kids starting tomorrow evening through the holiday. I’ve agreed to play the role of Bookkeeper for Stuffed Fables all weekend if each day we put in two hours of work on the addition. Nothing further has been said about that proposal, but I’m pretty sure it will win out since the kids really enjoyed the game last time they were here.

And with that, I’m pretty sure I’m caught up for the most part. I didn’t mean to go so long in between posts, but that’s how it played out this past week. I’m looking forward to seeing my patients tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it being the weekend, too. And in the not so distant future, towards the end of September, I’ll have classes to look forward to as well.

Daily Post 107: Lazy Rainy Day

I’m trying to eek writing in while Lil’ Ox is in the shower.

The day started around 6 am with breakfast and a Cotton Candy Bang. When the kids woke up we continued playing Stuffed Fables. By 9 am Mama, Papa, and Lil Ox headed out. I showered and got dressed so Ox, Oronry Ox, and I could head into town to run errands.

Of course, we forgot that today is Sunday and nearly everything has screwy hours. The game store we wanted to go back to didn’t open until noon. The place we wanted to eat at didn’t open until 10:30. It was a rainy, dreary type of day and even though it seemed like we were hitting brick walls anytime we tried to do something we eventually made it work.

We went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to look at pot sets. I was worried about buying one because I didn’t want Mama Ox to not like it or be angry or hurt because she wasn’t part of the picking process. There was a really good return policy with the store, though. If you didn’t like the set you have a year to return it as long as you keep your receipt. Well… it’s hard not to take something home with a return policy like that.

We ended up getting a set that happened to be on clearance. We got a roughly $200 set for $70. Can’t really beat that. And if Mama Ox totally was against it we could bring it back. I still had to fight off anxiety for most of the rest of our trip. I’m always worried about changing things or getting something new. It’s her space and her stuff and I’m the outsider messing things up. I didn’t want the new pot set to be another thing I’m doing wrong.

By the time we were done at Bed, Bath, and Beyond it was late enough for use to get lunch. We went to a burger place. At first, I was frustrated. Everything was on Texas Toast or fried or very much a “I shouldn’t be eating this if I’m trying to lose weight.” My options were pretty much five salads. Six if you included the side salad as an option.

It made me wonder if this is what people with food sensitives go through. It sucks feeling like I’m keeping people from having what they want or making things more complicated. It mildly sucks to feel like people won’t take a bullet for you and go to a “healthy” place instead of a fast food place. Not that Ox has ever done that. He’s amazingly supportive for the most part. Except for this morning where he tried to foist off a donut on me. >.>

I’m proud to report that I didn’t eat the donut and that it’s wrapped up and sitting on the counter still.

Anyway… yeah. I didn’t think I was going to enjoy lunch and that I was going to be spending money to make everyone else happy but that I would be getting shafted with a shitty salad. I ended up getting a cranberry and bacon blue salad. It turned out to be better than I had hoped for. I would be ok with going back there and getting that particular salad again. That helped.

By the end of lunch I was getting tired. All of the driving around and all of the social interaction from yesterday and this morning, combined with the worry about the pots and stress I put myself through with trying to figure out what to eat… I really just wanted to be done with figuring things out.

We decided for our final stop to be Walmart. Ox and I picked out blackout curtains for the room. I got another roast since I’m going to run out of my breakfasts before the week is done. I couldn’t find the stevia packets I wanted, but I remembered to get a replacement container of basil and dryer sheets for the house.

Ox and I got to have some alone time together since Ornery Ox went back to the computer room and no one else was home yet.

When Mama Ox got home we explained the deal with the new pots and went through the old pots and pans, getting rid of the ones that were peeling and icky. We still have to figure out how to arrange things in the kitchen, but I think the new pot set will work. I cooked my burgers in one of the skillets tonight. I like the weight and feel of it. It feels good. Balanced. I like how easy it was to clean up. The set had good reviews online and so far, through my single use of one of its skillets, I have to agree with everything I read.

While I was in the kitchen cleaning, Ox put up the curtain rod and curtains. I like them but we won’t know how effective they are until it’s a sunny day and I’m trying to fall asleep at 7.

We finished playing through the first story of Stuffed Fables. The kids really wanted to continue playing into the second story but Ox and I both agreed it would be better to wait until we have them again to start a new game since we wouldn’t have been able to get to the end before bedtime. I’m glad they’re both so captivated by something away from the computer. I feel like we’ve spent a lot of quality time together and though it still takes a bit of energy, I don’t resent it. It’s not like the times I tried to play Minecraft. I enjoyed spending my energy the way I did.

It makes me more ok with the thoughts of future weekends. I think we’re all finally figuring out how to coexist together. I was still able to get what I wanted and needed to done.

I got to write. I got to go to the gym. I even got to do a bit of my own gaming. My goldsmith is level 36 or 37. I did a few of the challenges in my challenge log. I earned more credits so I can get promoted within my grand company soon. I want to spend about 30 more minutes farming mithril since my character’s buff lasts that long, but it depends on how long it takes me to finish writing and doing my last few chores.

Oh. Another thing that happened while we were in Lincoln was stopping by Goodwill to donate the clothes I just replaced. It’s nice to have the bag out of the house and not taking up space.

It’s supposed to rain all of tomorrow so I’m not sure if SCA combat will happen on Tuesday. The ground might be too wet still.

I’m mostly prepped for tomorrow. I still need to make my protein shakes, but Ox’s lunch is already done.

I guess there really isn’t much else to report.

Ox and I have been more sexual since I’ve been back from my trip. I like it. I don’t know what else to say. I like the way it makes me feel physically and emotionally. I guess there really isn’t anything else to say on that topic. I’m aware of the change. I’m grateful for the change. It makes it feel more ok to be me.

I started looking into the LPN program this morning. I have until October to register for classes in January. There are some prerequisites that I’ll need to take before I can start the program. I’m hoping I can still worm my way out of English 101. I’ve already done did that class.

I want to get the application process started, so I’ll add that to the to-do list for Tuesday most likely. Since I don’t have to worry too much about meal prep or chores or errands, I should have most of the day to pluck away at the paperwork.

Yeah… not a terribly eventful day unless you count defeating evil nightmare minions eventful.

Seriously, Stuffed Fables is a super cute game and I encourage anyone remotely interested in DnD type tabletop games to give it a shot.

And I guess with that I’m going to go so I can finish up the last bit of my to-do list so I can go run around in circles beating up rocks.

Daily Post 106: On Track, Maybe

I went to work yesterday after only getting roughly an hour and a half of sleep. It’s just how the night ended up working out. I went to bed after 11:30 and woke up at 2. Going back to sleep seemed pointless since I wouldn’t get a full REM cycle. I stayed in bed resting as much as I could with the cats demanding attention, thoughts of Chinese food for dinner running through my head.

I skipped out on taking a shower which wasn’t as big of a deal as it normally would have been. I had showered before going to bed since I needed to rinse the dye out of my hair.

The drive to work sucked because I was so tired. Once I was at the clinic though, it wasn’t too bad. Moving around and constantly having things to do helps burn the tiredness off or keep it at bay. It sort of shot my plans to go to the gym all to hell though.

I made it through the work day and even got most of my “extra” work tasks done, like making sure my PTO got returned for not taking Friday off like I had originally planned. Overall it was a fairly smooth day. My FA was there to help during turn over so it was smoother than I had anticipated.

By the time the day was done, though, I just wanted to go home. I had my gym bag with me. I knew part of me wanted to go to the gym still, but there was a larger part of me who was starting to get a headache from being up for so long with so little sleep. I was still recovering a bit from the gym the day before and I had an early session scheduled for today.

I’m frustrated that I missed one of my extra days of working out this week. Since I came home and fell asleep almost immediately for an hour and a half I’m hard pressed to be too upset with myself. I woke up to eat dinner. I gamed on Final Fantasy for a short while, then went back to sleep where I, again, fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep until 2:45 this morning.

I woke up to use the restroom, had a small spoon of peanut butter to keep from getting hungry, then went back to sleep. I slept until around 6. I stayed in bed until Ox woke up and asked if I knew what time it was because he was worried I had overslept for my training.

We spent a bit of time together this morning before I got up to have breakfast and change. I went to the gym where I had a decent workout with my trainer. I came home and had a snack which I’m proud of. Skipping snacks is a bad habit I have, but for the days since I’ve been back home I’ve been doing pretty well with my eating. Not perfect, but better. Same with water intake.

Ox and I had made plans to go into town with the kids to look for a tabletop game we could all play together. The store we went to had Zombicide: Green Horde. I’m very interested in getting that at some point, but today we went with Stuffed Fables instead. It’s basically an intro DnD game. You and your group are stuffed animals who much fight the Nightmare Lord, Creepitus, to protect a little girl while she sleeps in her big girl bed for the first time.

It’s actually super cute and so far the kids seem to really enjoy it, especially as we get a better understanding of the rules.

We played for a few hours progressing through the story and killing evil nightmare minions. We stopped since it was time for dinner, after which I… don’t know what happened.

We had BLTs, which were amazing as always. I wrap my tomato and bacon in the lettuce so I don’t have to worry about the carbs from the bread. It’s a meal I can actually eat with the family rather than making my own thing or standing in the kitchen like I sometimes, most of the time, do.

Afterward, I unloaded the dishwasher and began loading it with the new dirty dishes. It’s the second time Mama Ox has come in and mentioned a “pet-peeve” she has with me doing something with the dishes.

I don’t know why it got under my skin so much. I am pretty much the only other person who helps with dishes. It makes me feel like I’m not doing things right or good enough. It most likely didn’t help that it’s the second comment in the three days since I’ve been back. This comes after cornering me during dinner last night about how I haven’t found a new pot set for her.

I was under the impression that she didn’t want one because she wasn’t interested in getting rid of any of the things she has even though the non-stick surfaces are peeling and desperately need to be replaced.

So while I’m standing there, rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding that it’s not my kitchen and that if she wants things done a certain way, I should be accommodating, new dishes are being pilled into the sink I’m trying to empty since not everyone finished eating at the same time.

It was… frustrating. By the time I got done handwashing the things that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher, I was a little sweaty, which was uber gross since I hadn’t showered from the morning’s workout.

When Ox and I stepped outside for a cigarette he asked me what was wrong. I did my best to explain it, but at the time I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to go back to the game. I didn’t want to pretend to be ok because for whatever reason, in that moment, I just wasn’t.

His mom had made a comment while I was in the kitchen about Ox and I wearing matching shirts, and that too, crawled under my skin. It’s not a “his and hers” thing. I wanted to wear one of his shirts because it smelled like him. It just so happened he had two of the same color and he put the second one on.

I’m not losing my identity or trying to be cutesy.

Arg.

Wearing black all the time is wrong, but then so is wearing a shirt of color if someone else is wearing that same color.

It’s like I can’t win. I can’t wear the right clothes OR load the dishwasher right.

Ox and I talked through what I was feeling. At least we tried to as best we could with me not wanting to talk about something I didn’t really understand. I knew all of the comments bothered me, but without having the space to process why they bothered me it was hard to articulate the frustration I felt.

We agreed to hold off on the game so I could shower and write since I never got a chance to do it yesterday and I didn’t like the added thought of pushing off writing to tomorrow. I had already pushed off my writing yesterday since I went to sleep instead. Pushing it off further wouldn’t have helped with the feelings of frustration.

The shower I took a little while ago has done wonders for me. Writing, sitting with my headphones on while music plays and taking a break from being the bookkeeper/rule master has been nice as well. Lil’ Ox is going over to Ox’s brother’s house tomorrow for a bit with Mama and Papa Ox. That will give Ox and I a bit of time to do some more errands together. We’re going to see if Ornery Ox wants to go with us.

When everyone gets back home we will most likely try to get through another few pages of the story in Stuffed Fables before dinner, after which I’ll need to go to bed since Monday is a work day.

I still want to pack and plan to go to the gym after work on Monday. I think for the time being I’m going to hold off on the dojo membership. I want to pay off my car more, and if I’m already having a hard time getting to the gym I have a membership to, then adding another, even larger, expense most likely isn’t going to help or fix anything. I want to become more consistent with my “extra” training first. I want to get SCA combat practice to be a habit. I also want to look at the dojo in Beatrice as well since my trainer keeps mentioning it. Maybe it would be easier, more feasible, to go there after work rather than driving close to an hour into Lincoln.

I don’t know what the dojo in Beatrice offers, but since I’m not roped into anything yet I can still look and see if there’s something else out there that might work better for me.

It would be amazing if I could get the car paid off before the end of the year, but without people paying me back I don’t think I’ll be able to. Kyle is still unemployed, so even though we talk, he hasn’t been able to pay me back for the time he stayed with me in Orlando. I reached out to Warren again since he never replied to my message. He actually replied to me, saying today was busy, but he would try really hard to get in touch with me at some point. Sir said he would be able to start paying me back soon, but I haven’t heard from him in a while. Mother Earth and I haven’t spoken in six months…

I don’t have any other corners I can cut financially. If I get a large tax return this coming tax season I could have the car paid off relatively early in the new year. It just sucks looking at my budget and still bleeding in $200 a month in interest into a credit card that I can’t make progress on.

I haven’t looked into the LPN program yet, but that’s more because of the way today has gone. I’m happy with the things I’ve been able to get done. I’ve updated My Fitness Pal with the changes I’ve made to my recipes. I cleaned up my phone, transferring the pictures from our trip the zoo to Dropbox along with other art pictures and inspirational quotes I’ve saved as I’ve browsed through Facebook posts these past months. I messaged several of my friends to stay in touch with them, though there are still people I need to reach out to. I’ve updated my calendar with my new work schedule along with all of the dates I need to keep track of. I’ve paid bills and I’ve allocated my leftover money to the places I want it to go.

Today has been a pretty nice and productive day. I don’t want the spat of frustration I felt early to cloud today with negativity. I think eeking out the time to write helped. I’ve been worried about my writing falling to the wayside again now that I’m back in Nebraska.

You make time for the things that are important.

I spent a large amount of time today with the kids doing something everyone seemed to enjoy. I feel like that’s a victorying in my “non-parent” parenting belt. I also got most of the things I wanted/needed to take care of scratched off of my to-do list. Oh! Which is another thing…

I’ve totally made to-do lists every day since I’ve been back. That’s another thing that’s become a hit or miss, mostly miss, thing for me. I used to religiously write my to-do list as I drank my cup of coffee in the morning. Since mom’s death, I haven’t really worried too much about my lists. If I make one, fine, if not, it doesn’t really matter.

I already have one mostly mapped out for tomorrow, and since Monday is a pretty set day, I have that one fairly ironed out as well.

It’s a good feeling. I feel like I know how to take care of my life because the things I need to get done are figured out already.

I’m hoping my vacation was the break I needed to get my life back on track. I’m hoping it let me get back in touch with myself.

Three days isn’t a whole lot to go on, but so far I think I’m doing alright.

Daily Post 104: Last Day

Fourth day in a row. It would be nice to think that I could keep this habit when I get home. Writing. Processing. Having time and space to do it. I wasn’t making it a priority while I was in Nebraska though and so I’m worried it will fall to the wayside again when I get back. I can’t deny the fact that I’ve felt better for all of the writing I’ve been able to do while I’m here.

It’s 7:30 am. I’ve been up for a while. Jace is about to leave for school. I’ll be gone before he gets back. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come visit again so it sort of sucks.

We played Geek Out last night. It’s an alright game. I think it would have been more fun to play while having a few drinks, but it wasn’t bad. Zombicide was definitely better.

I wrote out a do-to list for Thursday before I fell asleep. There’s a shopping list too but a lot of the stuff on it I need to check. I don’t know what has been used or gone bad while I’ve been gone.

Ideally, I’ll stay awake when Ox goes to work tomorrow. I’ll do the shopping early, before the gym, and the cooking after. I don’t want to do a weigh in at the gym for two weeks. One week to get back into my routine, and then one week to actually make progress, though I don’t think I’ve done all that horrible eating wise while I’ve been gone.

I might stop in at the clinic on my way home Thursday just to make sure things are set the way I want for Friday morning.

I’ve been thinking about the LPN thing. I might aim for next semester at the earliest, which will let me continue to pick up over time in the meantime, which will let me pay off the car faster. At the moment I’m on track to have it paid off early next year. Sooner would be nicer. It would make funding schooling easier. I still have to factor the dojo membership into my budget, so maybe that’s something else I can add to the to-do list… mess with numbers.

I don’t really have much of anything else to write about. No hiking adventures this visit. No trips to the gun range to see who’s better; Army or Air Force. Just a lot of staying at home and regrouping.

I’m going to miss being here, but I’m also ready to be back home. I want what has become my room. I want my car, my gym, my stores. I want my Ox to hug me and tell me that things are ok and that I’m doing well because hearing his voice matters.

We have the kids this coming weekend. It’s two weeks earlier than we thought we would. All I can think is that I’ll figure it out. I’ve survived all of the times they’ve been over so far. I can keep surviving I hope. The thought of an extended stay is unappealing, especially after being away from home for so long.

I don’t know. But yeah… I’ll figure it out.

For now, I’m going to go shower and pack and format my Surface. This is the last post I’ll be writing on it. This marks another moment of moving on and growing and evolving and changing and for whatever reason, it sucks.

I’ve already said goodbye to Jace while I was writing. I’ll be saying goodbye to my sister in law and my brothers in a few hours. I’m saying goodbye to this object and the moments I shared with it.

I’m going home. I guess it would be easier if it didn’t feel like I was losing everything all over again.

Daily Post 103: Day Three In Vegas

Third day.

We had steaks on the grill for dinner last night with shrimp. We played Zombiecide again with Jon. He finally made it here even though his luggage didn’t. That eventually got figured out but it was one hell of a trip for him to make it here.

He had a nine-hour layover in an airport that wasn’t open 24 hours. They didn’t give him a hotel voucher or any sort of food assistance even though all of the shops at the airport were already closed. He had to hide in a bathroom stall so security wouldn’t escort him off of the premises with nowhere for him to go.

Yeah. It sucked. It’s stories like that that make me not want to fly or go anywhere. And that’s not even touching on the PTSD that I still struggle with during takeoffs. It wasn’t as hard to breathe this time, but there were still the silent tears.

I don’t know what I am today in this moment. Sad, I think. It’s my last full day here. It’s only 11 am but it already feels like I’ve been awake for eternity. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and when I finally did get to sleep I had dreams though I can’t remember much about them.

I remember it was winter outside. There was someone standing in the doorway. A male. I remember having them come inside so the door could be shut and the warmth from the fireplace could stay inside. I remember feeling hesitant about that; about offering hospitality. There was a group of us around the fire, keeping the cold at bay, and now there was this stranger in such close quarters. It didn’t feel wrong, but it felt… awkward. One of those, “I’ve made my choice and now all I can do is see what happens.” Only I woke up so I’ll never know if I made a smart choice or not.

It wasn’t very restful sleep and so maybe that’s part of feeling like I’ve been up for forever.

It’s my last full day here. I leave tomorrow afternoon and get back to Nebraska around 8:30 followed by an hour drive home. Thursday I have training at 10 in the morning. Friday I have a full day of work. Saturday I have training at 9:30 am.

I don’t want to leave. Which is sort of stupid because if I didn’t want to be here then why do I not want to leave? Why does it have to be confusing? Why can’t it be easy?

I miss Ox. I’ll miss my brothers once I’m gone. I’ll miss my nephew and coloring with him and hearing his voice asking me to read him bedtime stories while I struggle with knowing mom’s picture is on his dresser.

It sucks and I wish everything wasn’t a confliction or a contradiction within myself.

I’m sort of tired of not doing anything. I’m sort of tired of not having a car even though there’s nowhere I really want to go. I’m tired of not having my soap and conditioner; my familiar scents. I’m tired of not having a cat to cuddle with. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have a purpose or a goal and the more I thought about this writing the more I wanted to figure something out, something more than what I have since I’ve been here.

It’s the 14th. It’s officially six months since Ox and I started coexisting together. Forever fiancees I think is what we jokingly agreed to not long ago. It’s officially been one month since my Warrior Dash. Five months since I’ve become a CCHT. I don’t know if any of that means anything or has significance.

I want to figure out what it will take to begin classes. I want that figured out by the end of the week. I want to know what paperwork I need to fill out and what the general process will be. I want to know, officially, if I can start classes next semester or if I’ll have to wait until spring. I think that’s something I need to do. I think it’s a realistic goal to set. It’s a goal I feel resistance to, but only because it’s easier to do nothing than something.

I know I’ve wanted to go back to school. I know LPN will give me more options in the immediate future. I know I could get into it faster than the RN program. Hell, I could finish LPN before I could even start RN.

I know LPN could be a stepping stone to other things and that I don’t have to stay as only an LPN if I don’t want to. It gives me options. It opens doorways. I know it can give me a starting point for talking with advisors. I know it’s a step towards something rather than staying where I’m at in life, in my career, in my funk of what feels like purposeless living.

So official “Life/Carrer” goals; research the LPN program in Beatrice. Begin the application process. Set up a meeting with advisors once research has been concluded to a point where a meeting would be productive.

I know the last one is a bit nebulous, but until I do a bit of digging there’s not really a point in meeting with someone, and since I don’t know what information is out there I can’t be sure when I will feel a meeting is appropriate. It’s something I’ll have to have faith with. I’ve done this enough times to know the difference between being ready and not ready. The biggest issue will be not procrastinating on a meeting once I feel I’m prepared.

I want schooling. Schooling would be good for me, on multiple levels. It’s most likely more harmful to myself to not pursue school than to work through the emotional and phycological discomfort of continuing to progress with my life.

I’m not going to worry about the Vascular Access Manager or the Perceptor training at work. If I pick away at it, cool. If I don’t, fine. I work full-time hours. I don’t have to do extra on the side if I don’t want to. If I feel like stopping in at the clinic after the gym, I’ll go for it, but it won’t be, and never was, an obligation. I’ve been proving myself enough by covering all of the different shifts I have been, by holding the clinic together through all of the float nurses who can’t legitimately help on the floor. I don’t need to get another certification or skills checklist added to my teammate file that will only increase my responsibility with no compensation in pay.

It would be better for me to put that energy into schooling. So if I do the extra work stuff, cool. If not, cool. Not an obligation and not something I should let negatively affect my emotional state or sense of self-worth.

That leaves the health area of my life to contend with. Aside from mom’s death and the relationship with Ox in the wake of mom’s death, I think this is the biggest area I’m struggling with.

I don’t have a goal. I don’t have a focus. I’m merely doing and even at that, I don’t think I’m doing much of a good job.

I started the personal training as a way to add structure and routine back into my life after my move. I didn’t have anything making me go to the gym. The meetings with my trainer gave me that. It gave me a level of accountability with what I did at home and what I ate since he tracks my weight much more than any other person has.

In a way it’s good. In another way, it’s annoying.

If you yourself have no goal, then it’s frustrating to feel like you’re letting people down over nothing. I didn’t meet THEIR goal, but I don’t care about their goal. I only care about mine, only I don’t have any, so there’s nothing to care about.

I don’t really know how to fix this because I still don’t have a goal. I don’t want to weigh a certain amount. I don’t want to be a certain size. I think setting my goal to “be more consistent” isn’t solid enough to actually work for me. I also can’t guarantee how work will go so I don’t want to set a quantifiable number for my workouts because what happens on the weeks where shit hits the fan and I can’t make it? Well, then I’m a failure and my goal is fucked.

Not really helping to build me up there, Brain. Thanks.

I want to care more. I like that I have more definition in my body. I like seeing the changes that have already been made. I like the way I feel when I drink enough water or eat enough protein. I like not being tired after work and feeling like I can actually go to the gym for a workout even though I’ve already walked six miles within the confines of the clinic. I like the level of stress relief working out gives me.

So why has it been so hard to actually do it?

If I like all of these things, if there are so many pros to going to the gym and eating right, then why do I skip workouts and cave in and eat donuts when they’re on the counter or skip my snacks? I know those actions are self-destructive and won’t make me feel better, so why do I do them?

To that, I honestly have no answer. But I’m aware that I’m making those choices and so on some level at least I can say I know there’s an issue and that in itself is a big step. Knowing there’s a problem means you’re able to look for a solution.

If only I knew how to solve it.

I guess part of it is feeling like I’m on my own, which, in reality, I am. I’m the only one at home trying to eat clean. I’m the only one trying to get to the gym. I need to accept that if I’m going to do it, then to just do it, and stop caring as much about what goes on around me. Just because Mama Ox buys pop tarts and other stuff doesn’t mean I can or should eat them.

Firstly, it’s not my food. Secondly, it goes against what I’m trying to do. I want to be healthy. That type of food is very obviously not healthy. If it’s so easy to pick up a pop tart, then I need to make it even easier to opt for a healthier option instead. I need to not run low on MY food. I need to have the snacks I want and NEED to combat whatever ease or temptation there is in the house.

I don’t live alone. It’s not fair of me to say “don’t buy those things”. If I lived alone it wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t, so I have to live with it and find a way to work around it. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean it’s setting me up for failure. It means I have to care and be dedicated to myself enough to choose the better option, which lately I haven’t and that’s purely on me. Those are my choices not lining up with my priorities.

So… Quantifiable goal… getting down to 20% body fat in the next… two months. Two extra workouts a week, minimum, in addition to my training sessions. Aside from being sick or bodily harm to me or someone in my circle, there’s no reason good enough to not go to training. Sadness isn’t a good enough reason to not go.

It doesn’t have to be a super crazy workout. It could be yoga. It could be my bike ride. It could be rowing or running. It could be a single class at the dojo or the SCA combat practice. Doesn’t matter, as long as I do something extra, out of the house, away from the computer.

I’ve been writing at the kitchen table, but now everyone is back home from the grocery store and the TV is on and it’s hard to focus on writing, so I guess I’ll end here and let my thoughts and goals simmer for a bit.

Daily Post 102: Day Two in Vegas

Second day in a row. Go me.

I fell asleep pretty early last night. I fell asleep without saying goodnight to anyone, without taking my contacts out, which thankfully I’m far away in Vegas and cannot be represented by Ox for. At least not yet. Hugs and kisses, Ox. : D

I feel a little guilty for that; for falling asleep without saying goodnight, not for the contacts though I should because I know Ox dislikes it when I fall asleep with them in. Saying goodnight is important to me. What if you never wake up in the morning? What if you never get to say your last “I love you”?

There’s not a way to go back to last night and to make myself get up after my phone call with Ox, though. I can’t replace that missing “goodnight” to my brother and sister in law. All I can do is move forward with today and so far it’s been a nice day.

I wasn’t given shit for falling asleep. All of the guilt I have felt has been purely my own. So that has made the morning easier.

Jason and I went out for hibachi last night. It was a decent meal, though I don’t feel it was worth the expense. I’ve had better for cheaper so I feel bad that he spent that much money. But then I have an issue with people spending money on me regardless of how much it is. It was still nice to get out, just the two of us. There wasn’t super deep or heavy conversation. We haven’t talked about mom at all, not that I was expecting or hoping to. We’ve talked a lot of about Jace and how things have gone for the past year and a half. We talked a bit about Lio and her plans for the next little bit. We’ve talked about my move and how work has gone and what I’ve been up to / would like to do in the near-ish future.

It’s been… nice… though I’m not sure if that’s the right word. It hasn’t been negative. It’s made me realize how much has happened to me, for me, in such a short amount of time. It’s made me realize how well I have been doing on my own, which was part of the point of moving away from Orlando. To prove to myself that I could do it. That I could relocate and stand on my own and figure out the problems I was faced with and etch out a spot for myself in the world.

At at the same time, I realize I didn’t do it on my own. Ox helped researching moving companies and prices. He drove with me to Nebraska so I wouldn’t have to make the trip alone. He and his parents have given me a place to stay and have let me have the freedom to make the choices I’ve wanted to in regards to my work, my hobbies, my time, my money. They’ve been supportive and accepting and helped make the move and transition to this new chapter, this new venture, possible.

Talking about my life with my sister in law and brother makes me realize I’m grateful and humbled and that no man is an island.

I read a bedtime story to Jace last night. He asked to me. I was prepared for my mother’s picture on his dresser this time. I read the whole book without having to fit back tears. I tucked him in and gave him a hug and kiss goodnight. We also played the Zombicide tutorial quest. It was fun and I think as we continue to play it more and get used to the game mechanics that we’ll have more fun with it.

Jon is having a hell of a time getting here. His flight out of Daytona was delayed so he wasn’t able to get to Charlette in time to make his connecting flight. He has had to hang out in the airport for nine hours since that would be the earliest flight for him to get to Vegas. It sucks that he wasn’t able to be here last night, at the same time, because he wasn’t supposed to get in until super late we’re really not missing much time as far as hanging out goes. We would have come home and gone to sleep. No games, no family dinner. The situation sucks, especially for him, but it could be a lot worse.

He should be here in a few hours. I’m going to the airport with Jason. Maybe we’ll get lunch after we pick Jon up.

The morning has been quiet so far. It was Jace’s first day of school. I was awake before anyone else. I started the morning with a can of Bang since Lio was kind enough to get some for me while she was at the store, along with eggs so I could make breakfast for myself. I had an egg sandwich, toasting bread to go with it and not really caring about the whole carb thing. It’s early enough in the day that I’m “allowed” to have them. And I’m aware that figuring out my health / food / training thing is something I should spend a bit of time thinking on, but right now I don’t feel like tackling those topics.

Jace work up shortly after I did. I made him breakfast and sat with him while we both ate. We talked for a little bit, as much as you can with a five and a half-year-old. I asked him if he was looking forward to going to school to which he fearlessly answered yes.

My sister in law woke up not long after. I guess today is sort of hard for her. The whole “first day of school” and “growing up so fast” thing. Those are things that I haven’t, and most likely won’t, experience. I don’t have a child of my own. At the moment I don’t think I ever will. Those emotions and experiences aren’t things I have gone through so I can’t really empathize. I don’t know what it’s like. I can suspect and guess at what the emotions would be like, but I don’t know.

Maybe it’s a little detached of me, but it’s interesting to be on the outside, watching. It makes me wonder what it’s like to be a parent, a mother. It makes me wonder what it was like for my mom. It makes me wonder if I would be good at parenthood. It just sucks that shortly after that thought is the thought that mom wouldn’t be here to help me learn to be a mother. It makes it hard to want to actually go through the experience myself. I have a hard enough time figuring out my own schedule and paying my own bills. These past six months are the first months where I’ve felt financially responsible and like I’m actually making progress on my goals. I’m almost 30. If it’s taken me this long to get my life halfway sort of figured out, am I really responsible enough to be entrusted with raising a child to be a decent, respectable member of society instead of a fuck-up?

It’s interesting, having the time and space to ponder through questions like that. It’s comforting being able to sit and write through the different pros and cons and to actually figure out my thoughts rather than pushing them back due to more pressing matters needing attention first.

Do I want kids? I don’t know. Not really. At least I don’t think so. I think there are things I would enjoy about it. I think on some levels I would be good at it. At the same time, I like my freedom. I like not having that burden and stress in addition to what I already contend with. I also recognize that there are experiences and emotions that I can’t identify with because I haven’t gone through those trials personally. There are things that I will never be able to relate because I’ve never experienced them firsthand.

Ox will always have a different perspective than me in certain areas because he is a parent. He has been married. He’s been divorced. Our lives have been different. I wonder if I ever seem petty to him; closed-minded or small in my views because his experiences give him a sense of a bigger picture that I can’t comprehend.

That came up a little during one of our conversations before I left for my vacation. I asked if he ever got tired of me complaining about work. He does construction outside in the heat all day while I stay inside. Is it ever annoying to hear me whine about my day when his can be so much more physically intense than anything I remotely do?

He said no. Our work is different. He deals with things and stuff. I deal with people and lives. They’re different types of hard, neither better or worse than the other.

Maybe I worry too much about silly things, but I don’t know how to worry. I don’t know if has anything to do with being an INFJ, but I don’t know how to not think about how my actions or choices make another person feel or how they might be perceiving me or how something might affect them. It’s draining. It takes energy. All that thought and awareness of others. It’s why I enjoy the quietness of solitude so much. There’s no worry about others. There’s not additional input to process.

There’s just me, and for the most part, I understand myself, so it’s easy.

I know what I want to eat. I know what I want to wear. I know, mostly, the things I want to do and the things I need to do. I know when things need to get done. I know the scents I like. I know where I want things placed and how I want them organized.

There isn’t the balancing act of accounting for others along with myself and finding compromise for everything.

I feel like I’m rambling with no real direction. It’s the first time I feel I’ve been able to pick a single thread of thought and to let it flow to its completion, untangling it from the rat’s nest of a ball that has become my core. Maybe there wasn’t a real point to the thread other than having a better understanding of why I have craved solitude so much recently. Why it’s important to my sense of stress relief.

I feel like something within myself has been organized and finally put away where it belongs. The inside landscape of my mind slightly less cluttered.

It’s a small step I think, but a step that I’m happy I took. There are other threads, longer threads, more tangled and complicated threads, but I took take of this one single one, so I can eventually, with time, take care of the others, too. I can still figure myself out, and that’s reassuring.

I suppose, for now, I should go. It’s about two hours until Jon lands. I’m showered and fed. There’s not much else to do other than wait but I think I’m done with writing. I’m ok with ending here.

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