angry

Daily Post 093: Project Rage

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ARG!!!!

Bashing my fists against the keyboard wouldn’t be satisfying enough of a release to get rid of all of this frustration. The projects I have just gotten done grading suck. And not even sort of suck. Like hardcore suck. Like, weren’t worth the effort it took to open the files, suck. But I had to sit and go through all of the systems for these rigs and detail why points were deducted on projects that are already getting hit with a -10 to the over all grade because they were submitted late.

 

You couldn’t even take the time to hide the joints? It’s seriously the easiest thing you could have done. Not even exaggerating or joking. Select the joint group and hit shift+h, done. And you lost points for that? After you asked for an extension to put more time into the project?

 

The only thing you put more time into was wasting my life. All of these projects so far. Ever single one of them, total waste of time. I don’t get it. And some of the files have issues which I know I told the student to correct before submission.

 

/flips shit

 

I don’t know if it’s because of the Hall of Fame event that went on, but it’s beyond frustrating and right now I just need to pour all of that out so it’s not inside my skin anymore.

 

This month was doing so well. Maybe I haven’t gotten to the good projects yet. Maybe David is going to get all of the awesome ones. That’s happened before. But the handful of dudes who seemed to be doing so well didn’t even submit a file. What the actual F guys? What have you been doing for the past two weeks?

 

I’m going to have a heart to heart with the class tomorrow because collectively this is the worst batch of files I have had to grade in a really long time. I want to know if it was a failing on our part. Was the information not conveyed clearly enough? Were David and I not active enough during lab, though I don’t know how that could have been possible with how often I didn’t get to do anything other than answer questions. Was there something more we could have done? Or was it a failing on their part? Bad time management, improper task prioritizing? Flat out being a slacker?

 

I want to know.

 

In happier news, yesterday was a pretty solid day. Laundry got done, and put away eventually before I went into work. Zane called me shortly after I finished writing my blog and changed plans up a little bit. He wanted me to come home rather than doing any of the shopping. He wanted us to go out for food and to do the shopping together. I was ok with that change, so once the clothes were dry and folded I headed home.

 

We went to the oriental market first since Perkins was ridiculously busy and our sports bar wasn’t open yet.

 

We went to a new market and I absolutely love it. We’ll most likely be going there from now on rather than to the other two places we’ve gone to in the past. We got most of the veg stuff we needed along with chop sticks and a bamboo mat to make the rolls tonight.

 

After the oriental market we went to the fish market. They had a café there, so we got lunch before doing our shopping. Zane was underwhelmed with his fish and chips, but I enjoyed my fish tacos. I don’t think we will eat there again but we did get the tuna we wanted for the sushi, along with a package of stuffed mushrooms because they looked super awesome and I have enjoyed them in the past.

 

We never got around to going to Publix, but we have plans for that today.

 

We stopped by the produce store before heading home to pick up the last bit of veg we needed along with chicken. We’re doing southwestern salads for lunches and sriracha chicken sandwiches for dinners later in the week.

 

I prepped most of the food when I got home which took a bit of time. I got about two hours of chillaxin’ in before having to shower and go to work.

 

We were in an even smaller classroom than normal due to having to be moved temporarily. This whole Hell of Lame event is beyond annoying… Very glad for it to be over with. The change made lab mildly frustrating just because it was so many people in a small space. Even whispers seemed loud.

 

By the time lab was done I was ready to go home.

 

I saw Christian while I was returning the key. That was a pretty cool conversation since he had a rigging issue he wanted help on. Yay for questions that I know the answers to.

 

I also saw Nicole while I was getting ready to leave work. I had washed the sweater that I keep at work, along with a long sleeve shirt that I’ve been leaving there to wear after my bike rides on cold days. I’m not thinking I’m going to need to stash it there for much longer. I can feel the Earth warming up. It’s a good feeling.

 

Anywho, I had to run to my car to get the clothing first, and while I was walking back into the school I saw Nicole. That was a great conversation. It was so good to see her again.

 

Uke was at the apartment when I got home, but I knew he was going to be there to hang out with the guys. Zane had gotten me dinner while they were out earlier so I didn’t have to worry about making anything for myself which was fantastic.

 

I poked at my phone for a bit, playing with my dragons, but I went to sleep pretty early last night and stayed asleep for most of it. I remember waking up once when Zane brought Shadow in to use the litter pan. Can’t wait for this week to go by so we can start leaving the door open and not having to worry about John’s cats marking our stuff up any longer.

 

I woke up again when Zane came to sleep around 1 in the morning. I got up for water, but didn’t have much of a problem falling back asleep.

 

And here we are at today.

 

I woke up around 8:30 this morning, had a cup of water before my cup of coffee because I’m a diligent athlete… at least I’m trying to be because migrates from dehydration suck.

 

I played with my dragons a bit more before making breakfast. That’s getting a little frustrating because I’m trying to get some pretty rare dragons that are only available for a limited time, but I’m not getting the ones I want. Guess I need to level up my pimp hand a bit.

 

After eating I showered and packed up after bothering Zane for a bit. I had seen the email from Clavan last night about the grading and wanted to get a jump start on that today, if not finish it off completely.

 

Well… after going through the files I have I need a break before I destroy something. I only have six more to do, but I’ll most likely break it up into sections. I’ll do three more later tonight, and save the last three for tomorrow. Unless they’re super awesome projects then I’ll do them all at once. I don’t see that being the case though.

 

So, as for the rest of my day. I plan to go to Jo Ann’s since I need mounting board and more thread. I can also get my loofa from Bed Bath and Beyond. Then a quick stop at Target to get the last bit of my “room warming” stuff for this weekend.

 

After Target it’s back home to see how Zane wants to do the rest of the day. Publix won’t be a big trip. Mostly small stuff that we couldn’t get at any of the places we were at yesterday like Febreeze and plastic baggies for lunches.

 

Alright. I’m written out and the need to punch faces is gone so I think it’s safe to venture out into the world. Wish me luck.

 

Daily Post 0174: Leading By Example

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It’s 10:30. I’m sitting at the kitchen table since I cleared off a space on it. Zane is in the room sleeping. He was up late and isn’t ready to wake up yet.

Yesterday was another day that started well enough and then ended badly. For both of us.

There was an off-handed comment, I’m sure it was meant to be self-depreicating and a ‘joke’, But it wasn’t funny to me. And I don’t know what to do with the swarm of anger and sadness inside me.

I scanned my artwork yesterday before leaving school. I got to see Mike, a co-worker who was moved to a different department. I got to see Sean as well and split a cookie with him since there was leftover food in the breakroom from some meeting that had happened.

I went home and was able to go to kickboxing. It was a good workout, but the sound system kept messing up so it was a little frustrating. I came home and had time to spend with Zane before showering and going to dinner.

I had a wonderful evening with Nicole, Marc, and Desiree. I might be seeing Nicole on Thursday before she leaves town at 3 in the morning on Friday. She’s nervous but excited about her move. I’m hoping everything works out for her. She deserves it.

I came back home afterwards, and that when things got a little icky.

The sink was full of dishes, and none of them were mine. I had cleaned the kitchen before I left for work, and it had been empty before going out to dinner. Zane was in the room watching anime. He had drawn a little bit earlier in the day while I was at work, and I actually like how his sketch turned out, but he had said job stuff would happen and it didn’t seem like anything had.

And this was after I had a conversation with my mom where I said I felt like the situation was different. How I reassured her that even though the situation was rough and sort of sucky, that I felt like leaving would be the wrong thing. I felt like I was eating my words.

Zane asked what was wrong, I mentioned the kitchen, which he said he would take care of. I asked about job applications. He hadn’t done anything. He would tomorrow.

I said ok.

He asked if I was alright. I was quiet for a little while, then I said that I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. That I didn’t want to be angry, but part of me was. I asked what he would feel if he was in my situation.

His answer was angry. I nodded. Scarlet was in the room, sitting in front of me as I sat in my computer chair, contemplating my situation. I ended up curling up on the floor with her so we could cuddle. It was comforting to feel her purring next to me.

Zane actually ended up filling out a few applications while I was spending time with Scarlet. There was silence which I was thankful for.

One of the applications he is in the process of filling out is for a post office position. It pays 15 an hour, but I guess the application is beyond annoying since it is a government job. He ended up getting frustrated because he has to call a number to get some information, so he didn’t finish the application last night.

Instead he stopped. He would finish it when he woke up since the place he needed to call wouldn’t be open at midnight. We watched an episode of Aldnoah. Three more left. We’re supposed to finish it today, but I don’t think we will. I don’t think I’m up for it. At least not right now.

When the episode was over we started talking. He’s upset and frustrated. He doesn’t want to get a part time job because it won’t be enough money. I had mentioned applying at the grocery stores or other businesses close to the apartment. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to work in fast food. He doesn’t want to have to go through that for the fourth time in his life.

I can understand that. But I can also see how it’s not fair to me. He doesn’t feel like he deserves this hardship in his life, but I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t think it’s right that I sell valuable items to cover someone else’s life because they don’t feel like they should have to work a part time minimum wage job while I go to work and not only deal with my stress but the added stress of figuring out how to support someone else.

If he had been working part time minimum wage for the past two months he would have his bike fixed already. He would be able to apply to more jobs because travel wouldn’t be an issue.

I told him that if he worked at all, that the money could go towards the bike. That I would keep covering as much as I could of his expenses so he could get it fixed since that’s one of the main issues.

He said ok. That he would apply to more places.

I don’t know how it came about, but he ended up saying that a solution would be going outside and stepping into traffic but at midnight there wasn’t traffic. How then he wouldn’t be a burden to those around him.

I was furious. I was hurt. I still am.

I left the living room. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have anything except blind emotion. Righteous fury blended seamlessly with ice cold depression.

I went into the room and had an angry cry where I felt like my actions aren’t enough. My effort and caring aren’t enough. My support isn’t enough.

I can’t be his will to live. I can’t be his will to change. He has to want that for himself. He has to want to be in a different place in life rather than sitting and wallowing in icky, murky water.

Just like me. We both have to want to change, and to actually do things to alter the situation.

I feel like I am. I feel like I’m working on myself, and putting in more effort into maintaining emotional stability. I feel like I’m doing better with the gym and that plays a huge role into it. I feel like I’m trying.

I can’t be the change for him. I can only be an example.

I wish this didn’t hurt.

Daily Post 0158: Eight Pages of My Life Later…

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Was supposed to be posted last night, but wasn’t. 

I’m sitting at a blank screen and there’s all this stuff that I need to transfer from my brain to the page, but there’s so much stuff that I don’t feel like doing it. This picture pretty much sums it up…

stuff

Let’s begin with a list so I can make sure I hit all my marks. Yay road maps.

The day with Mom
Zane and school
Doctor’s appointment tomorrow
School work for this week
Sammie’s wedding and her message

Today – Monday – Mom Day

Ok. So we’re starting with recapping today.

Today for the most part has been awesome. I went to sleep around 4 in the morning, which sort of sucked because Zane and I had wanted to go to Full Sail so he could talk to a person in admissions, which is a whole story in itself that I may or may not get to. It depends on how much I feel like writing.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to wake up at 8 in the morning when I didn’t get to sleep until so late. So that plan got scratched. Instead I slept until around 10. Got up, had a message from my mom saying she was on the road. I had breakfast and coffee.

While Zane and I were at the store yesterday we decided to try a new type of jelly for pb&js. We went with apple, and it’s not bad. I don’t think it is a favorite for me, but I’m totally cool with having it on toast for a little while. There was also a mint jelly.

How did I not know this stuff existed?

Mint is one of my flavors.

So I didn’t need to get it, but I totally got it so I could try it. So one of my pieces of toast this morning was apple while the other was mint. I don’t think I used enough of the mint flavor, out of fear that I might not like it. But the flavor was super subtle so I didn’t really taste it all that much, so I still don’t really know if I like it or not.

I’ll be trying it again tomorrow. But I thought it was super cool that something like that is even a thing.

After breakfast I started getting caught up on messages. Really it was just the text messages on my phone that I had been purposely not looking at over the weekend. My friend in South Carolina had wanted to know if I was still planning on driving up over the weekend.

No. I wasn’t. I guess that was pretty apparent though since it’s Monday now.

I still have 13 emails to get through, and I haven’t done anything with work since Friday. And I’m not going to until I go back to work on Wednesday, so I hope there’s no fires in that inbox. Not caring at the moment if there are. That will most likely change tomorrow when I begin to feel irresponsible for taking time off of work on such short notice.

Anyway, I got a call from my mom asking where we were going to meet. I gave her directions to the storage unit, got showered, then headed out to meet her. I got there way before her, so I took the time to reorganize Trevor’s stuff, which freed up way more space in the unit. I’m pretty sure he would have failed at Tetris.

I helped mom unload the car. There was a lot less stuff than what I had been expecting. We got everything squared away in about an hour. I’ll be messaging my brother to talk about helping to pay for the cost of the unit now that his stuff is also in it. That should help negate some of the cost I’m having to cover for Zane’s rent. $50 at most, but something is still better than nothing.

Mom and I went to lunch after the unit was taken care of. We spent a lot of time talking while we ate. Of course we went to Moe’s since that’s our place. She actually tried the new nacho bowl and really enjoyed it, so that was cool. I was worried it would be too spicy for her liking.

Eventually we got tired of sitting so we went and got her checked into a hotel. We talked for a while longer, but eventually I said that I needed to come back home for a bit. I needed to submit my homework, which I have already done, and check out my new assignments for the week, which I have also done.

I want to go running as well, and shower, since I’m pretty gross from moving so much stuff around in the storage unit. I also had to put a cooler worth of food stuffs away in the fridge.

Since my mom will be closing on the house Friday she wanted to empty out her fridge, which meant I got a bunch of free food. No complaints.

That’s been the day so far. I have to go to the gym still, then shower. I’ll be spending the night with my mom at the hotel so we can have more time together. We’ll most likely get dinner somewhere. I bought lunch out of habit, so I think she will want to buy dinner.

It’s been great getting to spend time with her. It’s hard thinking that in a few months she’s going to be 3000 miles away. Literally. She won’t be the 6 hour car ride that I enjoy now. It’s going to be so much harder to see her, and while I know this time is coming, it’s still not fully real in my head. It’s going to be one of those things where I wake up and realize that she’s far away and that even though I want to see her I can’t. I won’t be able to make a weekend trip back home.

I’ll leave that alone for right now though since I have so many other things I’m already trying to deal will. Main point is I got to spend the day with my mom, and once I finish taking care of business I’ll get to go back and spend more time with her before she leaves tomorrow.

Zane and School

Friday while Zane and I were at Moe’s (I sometimes do actually go to other places to eat… just not often. No regrets), the subject of school somehow came up and I mentioned why he didn’t just go back.

He made a mention of how he wouldn’t be able to have a job and take classes, and I countered with how Full Sail allowed students to take out loans for living expenses because the curriculum was so intense.

He had never thought of that as a possibility. So that lead to a bunch of talking about the school and the degree programs and what was and wasn’t possible. When we came home he started researching into the school and the programs which lead to more questions, some of which I could answer, some I couldn’t. Long story long, we agreed that the best thing to do would be to talk to someone in admissions and most likely financial aid.

So that was supposed to happen this morning, but with the lack of sleep we both got, and with my mom coming into town we have decided that tomorrow afternoon would be better for both of us.

I have my doctor’s appointment at 2pm, so around 3 we will be going to see what options are available for Zane as far as school is concerned.

He made mention last night how his solution for his debt issues was to get into more debt. On a technical level I cannot argue against that. I feel that school is an investment though. He wouldn’t enjoy working at a fast food place, and he wouldn’t be moving forward on anything that he wants or views as important. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been pushing him all that hard on getting a job in that area.

If I wouldn’t do it then I have no right to ask someone else to. I would fight and struggle so hard to find anything outside of fast food because I don’t want to be in that type of work environment.

With school, theoretically, he would be able to take out the loans to cover his rent and food expenses, while still working on something that he wants to do, and something that would be viable after he graduated. Something he could take to California with him, which is where he wants to be since that’s where Nic is.

In my mind it is a good direction to go, even if it does mean that there is debt involved. I do not regret my choice to go to school. It was expensive beyond all reason, but I loved my experience. I love the people I met, and I love where it has taken me so far.

I’m hoping that it is a positive direction for Zane as well, and I’m hoping that it works out.

The thing that stresses me about it is that he will most likely need a co-signer.

I would most likely end up being that co-signer, which sort of sucks. I would become tied to him financially for a really long time. And while I do think school is a good thing, and I fully support it, if he defaults on his loans and I’m a co-signer, I am responsible and can be taken down because of his inability to pay.

We would talk more about it before any signing happened. But that is a very real possibility and I don’t know how I feel about it. I didn’t mind making the suggestion. I don’t want the responsibility of making this option work. I don’t want the pressure of my signature, and potentially screwing over the rest of my life, to be the one thing that keeps this from working.

It is also possible that he could not get the amount of money he would need to cover both the degree cost and two years worth of living expenses. In which case I don’t think I would want to sign at all.

I would becoming financially obligated to something for the next foreseeable forever, with no benefit in the short-term, which is one of the things this direction is supposed to help with.

In my head it’s either a) get a job to fix the bike so you can get a better job and not depend on me for rides, essentially a stepping stone to being able to pay me back, or b) go to school and factor in the money owed to people into the living expenses so you can pay everyone back what you have borrowed and move forward in life being self-sufficient.

He already owes me roughly $700. He told me to keep track of it, which is on the to-do list, making an excel sheet of the expenses I want to be reimbursed for. Blah, more to-dos >.< Do not want.

But yeah… If the school plan doesn’t cover living expense, then I’m not going to be on board with it at all because it’s not fixing the issue of him not being able to cover his share, and the only reason I’m covering it is because I’m expecting to be paid back, not because I’m a noble and caring person.

I mean… maybe… a little… It’s not like I would be ok with him being kicked out of the apartment or living on the street, but I’m not ok with having the agreement we had broken either. I’m not ok with how things are now, which really the only reason I’m a hawt stressed depressed mess at the moment.

So there’s all of this stuff that still up in the air about the school situation, and none of it can be figured out without talking to people at the school. So for now, that subject is tabled for me.

And by tabled I mean I’m going to let it stew in my brain and bother me all night.

Honestly though, until tomorrow there’s really no use in putting more energy into it other than to acknowledge that it may or may not work. If it does, amazing, if not, then it’s back to “find a job” and I’m not going to be as ok with him being as picky about not applying to certain places. I’m not ok with spending an extra $500 every month on something other than my own financial goals.

Tomorrows Doctor’s Appointment

On top of having to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow, which always sucks, and taking Zane to talk to an admissions representative tomorrow, which who knows how long that will take, I have to meet with my doctor to talk about my lab results, and have a pap… yay, said no one ever. : /

At least both of those things will be taken care of. The pap I won’t have to do for another year. Very minor silver lining…

I’m sort of worried about the blood work, which I really shouldn’t be because worrying about it isn’t going to change anything.

I’m fully expecting to be told that I’m still insulin resistant, and that my testosterone is too high. I don’t know what else to expect. Hopefully they don’t come back and say, “By the way you’re dying.”

I’m not looking forward to the appointment. But then I never look forward to a doctor’s visit. I don’t want to worry about this, but I know on at least a subconscious level I’m going to. I can feel a tightness in my chest over it, and there’s not much I can do about it. It’s anxiety and fear of the unknown, and really the only thing I can think to do is to acknowledge that it’s there and try to breathe through it.

Last week of TPL

This is the fourth week of Typography and Page Layout. I never did these assignments for the class. I didn’t do anything for the last week last month when I decided to intentionally fail the class.

I have looked at the basic description for the assignments. One of them will be creating the cover for an imaginary magazine. I’ll most likely do something Dungeons and Dragons related just because I think that will be fun. The nerd in me will be proud.

There’s reading and a quiz I need to take, and several assignments which are still locked. I don’t know what they are, but I think they are critique based discussions. We’ll see tomorrow I guess, which is when the assignments become available.

I’m worried about this week. Everything is due on Friday, but I’m not going to be working on anything further today since I’ll be with mom, and I’m not sure how up for anything I will be tomorrow, which leaves only three days to complete everything. Arg.

I’ll figure it out, but that’s an added stress. I don’t know the ‘how’ other than sheer force of will, which always pulls me through, but it would be nice to have a more solid road map, which I won’t have until I sit down Wednesday and figure it out.

At least Wednesday is Shading and Lighting, which means I’ll have the time I need to get everything together.

Theoretically I will complete the reading and quiz, along with at least the first exercise. I don’t know what the discussion posts are, so I can only assume that since all five of those activities have to be completed by Friday along with everything else that they aren’t too insane.

Here’s to hoping…

Wedding Wishes

And here we are, at the last thing on my to-do list, at least as far as writing goes, and it’s the one thing that I don’t know what to say about. I have facts right now. And that’s it. I don’t have emotions. I feel empty and hollow, and sort of lost. I don’t know what to do, other than give up.

This past weekend was Sammie and Josh’s wedding. The wedding I was supposed to be the maid of honor for. The wedding where I was going to wear my purple dress and redye my hair for the first time since I shaved my head. The wedding where I was going to go out to Texas and see both of my friends for the first time in almost a year.

The wedding that I didn’t go to. The wedding that I messed up because I started being with Zane.

I understood her reasons for breaking up with me. I accepted them, and I didn’t blame Sammie. At the same time I didn’t feel like it was right to be her maid of honor anymore. I didn’t feel honorable and that I deserved that role.

So I didn’t go. I stepped down. I stayed home. I put the money I would have used for the trip towards my Care Credit card. I moved forward one day at a time, not really looking at this area because it hurt, and I didn’t know what to do with it, and because I didn’t think there was a way to fix it.

I had broken trust. I couldn’t go back into the past and change my actions.

This past weekend while Sammie was getting married I was fighting depression, and mostly losing. I ignored as many people as I could. I refused to look at my phone because I knew there would be messages there. I refused to check Gmail because it would tell me there were blogs that had new posts and I really should read them. I avoided Facebook because I didn’t want to read about other people’s lives and what they were having for breakfast, and who’s son did something cute.

I didn’t want people, anywhere, in my life. I didn’t want more stress, and obligations, and having to assure people that I was ok because I wasn’t and I wasn’t going to lie about it, but I didn’t want to talk about it either.

There’s nothing that can instantly fix my situation. It’s stressful. It’s literally my biggest fear being realized.  And in my head, it’s unfair to me.

That’s right. I said it. Ok… typed it. But that’s a step forward for me.

This situation, while it isn’t intentional, is unfair. And that’s why I have a problem with it. And there’s really not much that I personally can do to change it, so really I’m just left stewing in my own mind, which seems all to eager to swing everything to the “everything is falling apart, your life is a disaster, you’re bad and you should feel bad,” spectrum.

Me: Thanks brain… couldn’t we have slowly eased into that? Like maybe have a, “Hmmm, this sort of sucks,” level? Could we add that in instead of it being sunshine and rainbows or holy-heart failure batman? I would appreciate it if you could work on that for me…

So yeah. Fighting massive depression.

I had every intention of messaging both Sammie and Josh the next time that I seriously sat at the computer catching up on life. That was what I decided to do this morning while I was sitting on the couch holding my cup of coffee.

I couldn’t stay in my closed off state for much longer. I needed to reach out and maintain contact, so I was going to. But I had to get through most of today first. My mom was going to be here and I didn’t feel like I had the time to put social tasks first.

While my mom and I were having lunch I received messages on Facebook from Sammie saying that my silence wasn’t cool, mature, or an act of someone who cares.

So I’m left looking at those messages, feeling like this is another battle where I have to defend myself and my actions, another stint of depression ready to kick everything out from under me because what I was doing wasn’t the right thing.

It’s another social situation, obligation, where I’ve messed up before I’ve even tried.

I look at this situation in my head, this corner, and all I can to is stare. I don’t know where to begin to clean it. I don’t even know if I want to. If everyone already thinks that it’s ruined, messed up, that I’m a failure, then why should I even try. Why not leave it as a disaster?

I want to hide from it to be honest. I want to keep my silence since I’m already viewed as immature. I can feel myself getting more emotional over the situation. Maybe my initial reaction of feeling nothing was my defense mechanism kicking it. Shut down. Block it out. It’s just information.

But I guess under the surface, deep down where I’ve shoved all of this, I’m angry.

I’m angry, and I don’t want to respond while I’m angry, so it’s going to be more radio silence which will be taken as being immature and disrespectful, which will drive us further apart.

It’s another situation that I don’t feel is fair. I feel like I wasn’t even given a chance. I feel like my life and my own battles aren’t being considered in the equation of “Did I do the right thing?”.

I did, and was doing, what I felt like I was able to do. And it feels like that it wasn’t good enough. I don’t know if that’s logical and rational thought. Most likely not, but that’s how I feel, right now, writing about the event only a handful of hours after it happened.

I feel like it’s unfair. I’m angry about it. And instead of messaging, I’m going to go run so I can try to figure it out, because that’s the only thing I know to do to help with the anger and hurt.

Daily Post 0112: Trading One for the Other

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I feel like that’s what I keep doing. I fix one imbalance only to have it be replaced with another.

I’ve had a lot of imbalance recently which has kept me from writing. I’ve felt unmotivated to do it. I haven’t wanted to look at why I felt bad. I didn’t want to lance my wounds because I knew it would hurt even though I knew in the long run it would be for the best.

I’ve just been sort of ignoring it, which I totally recognize in myself. It’s what I do. I keep going for as long as I can with this emotional injury until it gets to the point where I can’t ignore it. Usually there’s a breakdown involved. Some giant reaction that leaves me drained and spent for days, sometimes weeks. Lots of solitude is needed to recover. I normally hibernate alone, avoiding people because they don’t understand the emotions or their intensity.

They ask what’s wrong, when really what I need is for them to carry on as normal. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want attention drawn to it. I want life to move forward, not to dwell on the fact that I’m not ok.

No. I’m not ok. But life keeps moving. The world still spins. Traffic still sucks at 5pm. The day isn’t going to stop simply because I feel bad. So don’t stop or change either. If I need to talk about it I will. Otherwise just keep going.

Stealing a line from a blog I follow here. Sorry if I bleed on you a little bit. How rude of me to have this hole in my chest that I’m clutching and trying to not make a mess everywhere with my emotions. But it’s a gaping wound, so really I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m going to bleed, and it’s going to be a little messy, and if you don’t want to deal with getting bled on that’s fine. I understand and respect that some people aren’t good at helping others through their pain. I understand it makes others uncomfortable and sometimes people don’t want to deal with it. I get it. Really, I do. Don’t make me feel worse for hurting just because you don’t want to empathize.

I guess that was a tangent. Right now I’m a mix of anger which is external, and hurt which is internal. I keep flipping between the two.

 The Story So Far

I wrote about how Mother Earth broke up with me. I understand why. I don’t blame her for doing it. It hurt through. I felt, and still feel, dirty. As if I were dropped to the ground.

I still feel like I’m sitting in my cave, hugging my knees.

I don’t feel it is right of me to still be a maid of honor. I don’t feel honorable. I don’t feel like I should be in that position when I’m covered in dirt. I feel like things are unresolved between Mother Earth and I and that makes me withdrawal into myself. It makes me want to hide away because that’s easier than confronting the emotions.

She text me asking if I was still planning on coming to the wedding, if I still wanted to be her maid of honor.

I had been thinking about this very thing for days. Since she broke up with me.

How was I supposed to do it? How could it ever be right with the way the situation turned?

I thought about it, and tried to see it from different sides.

I replied back saying that I felt like there was still discord between us. That I was worried if I went to Texas that things would be awkward, and that I was uncomfortable with the idea of being her maid of honor now, and I didn’t know how to change those feelings.

She replied saying that she would not force me to do something that I did not want to do, and to let her know if I wished to step down from being her maid of honor.

I replied back saying I did wish to step down.

She thanked me for letting her know, and said for me to have a good day.

I feel tangled. I feel awful. I feel relieved. I feel like I’m a terrible person and that I ruined Mother Earth’s wedding. I feel worse because I feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s hard to be with. Maybe it’s my fault my relationships get messed up. It’s my fault they fail.

I’m angry at the Universe because it feels like it never leaves me alone. For once can I not hurt those I care about?

I hurt because a loved one hurts.

I hurt because I want things to be different. I hurt because I know I’m picking myself.

This is how things are. I am in control of my own actions and feelings. I am here, in this moment. I acknowledge my emotions. I respect them, and understand where they came from and why there are here.

I will not look at the past. I will not fret or worry about the future. I will focus here, now, because that is all I have.

Time is neither positive or negative. It simply is. It exists. I choose to exist with it. I have today, and only today. I used to think that every morning when I woke up. Every morning I would remind myself how I only had today, and that every action should reflect that. But I haven’t said that to myself in a while now. I’ve been going day-to-day hoping tomorrow will be better, when I don’t have tomorrow.

Tomorrow isn’t promised to me any more than it’s promised to anyone else.

I have the here and now, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to let it go. I want to live fully in this moment, in every moment, because it is the only moment I have.

I’m proud that I went to the gym today. After the messages with Mother Earth I stayed in bed. I was tired. My body ached. Scarlet was cuddled against me. There were all of these reasons to not move. It would have been so much easier to not go. To just let time slide over me until I had to get up for work.

But I didn’t do that. I got up. I packed my gym bag. I went to the gym, and I had a pretty shitty workout, but at least I had one. I showered and did all of the things to get ready for work that I didn’t want to do.

I went and had lunch even though I didn’t want to eat.

And I made it to work on time even though I thought about calling out.

I’ve checked my email. I’ve replied to messages. I’m on top of all of my school work. Look at me adulting and shit.

I’m doing well today. I’m moving forward one hard, bloody, agonizing step at a time. And at the moment that’s where the story ends. The heroine stumbling along, wounded but not defeated. Another battle of life survived with new scars to tell the tale.

 Next Month

When I got into work Clavan told me he was able to get the schedule changed. CRI1 will be held in a powered lecture hall, just like the Shading and Lighting class is during some months. This means that there will be only one lab group instead of three.

So Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I will be working 5am until 9am. That’s super early in the morning, but it’s one lab. I can go to the gym afterwards, and I can go to aikido at 7pm. I will also have time for admin hours so I can have more time for homework.

Shading and lighting will be Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays 9am to 1pm. Again I will still be able to do the gym and aikido.

I’ll be able to pay off over half of my Care Credit credit card. I should be able to have that paid off by July. I should be able to get new running shoes. I should be able to take my 6 kyu test for aikido. I should be able to go back to taekwondo. I should be able to finish reading Brsinger. I should be able to do a few cross stitchings.

Next month should be a good month.

I’m hoping with every fiber of my body that it is. I’m hoping it stays the way it seems to be inside of my head. I’m hoping that I have survived March, April, and May, and that June will be the calm. The recharge. The solitude. The focus.

I’m hoping I don’t get sick again. I’m hoping I actually finish that podcast that I started I don’t even remember how long ago.

I’m hoping. I have this light at the end of this really long dark tunnel and I want so badly for it to be sunlight. I want it so badly to be warmth and summer. I want it to be the forest surrounding my cave and that when I step outside things will be ok. Things will be better as long as I keep crawling and stumbling. As long as I keep moving to that light things will be ok.

That’s what I’m hoping for the most right now.

I’m hoping things will be ok.

Musing Moment 0036: The Destructive Volcano has Arrived

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Disclaimer: This is written very specifically for one person. 

I’ve been thinking and tiptoeing around my feelings these past few days. I’ve consciously not written about them. One, because I wasn’t really ready to, and two, because I know you read my blog.

I’m not going to tiptoe anymore. As you said, “Be unbridled.”

This is my corner. I’m not going to apologize for what I feel. You read this at your own risk, which is why I don’t mind that you read it. If you don’t want to know my honest thoughts then don’t read them. I’m not going to talk about this post on Skype with you. I’m not going to respond text messages about this, or answer phone calls.

This is my journal. It would be no different if it were a book on a coffee table. You know what is written here is personal. You know you may not like it. It’s your choice to read further. I’m not writing it to start a fight or argument. I’m not writing it to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad.

I understand you are going through an extremely hard moment in your life. I’m not trying to make that worse. However, I’m not going to let that take away my right to express how I feel about the events going on in my life.

This post is extremely personal, and not up for discussion later. It is a cathartic writing meant only to rid myself of the discord which is eating away at me like acid. I know you won’t like this writing. I know some of it may offend you, anger you, sadden you. It’s not going to be pleasant, but neither is carrying around these emotions inside me and feeling like the one place I have created where I can express them is being taken away.

It’s not. I’m putting another stake down in cyber land. I knew when I started this blog that not everyone would like it. I made a promise to myself to be honest in my writing, no matter how it reflected on me. It’s the good and bad. It’s me.

Pure, unadulterated, unbridled me.

Sometimes anger and frustration is part of it.

Who I Have Been With

We talked about this. How when you brought it up during our phone conversation last week that it hadn’t felt good. And in the Skype conversation we talked about how it made me feel like you thought I was dishonorable.

Those feelings are still there. Feelings don’t just evaporate because someone says, “I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it.”

If you throw a plate on the ground and tell it, “I’m sorry,” it’s still going to be on the ground, broken. Words don’t fix anything.

It made me feel misunderstood, like you don’t know me at all. All of the times I write about being lonely and feeling isolated, alienated… How, with all the times I have written about wanting affection and a hug, can you think I’ve been free with my body?

Yes, I’m going to feel bad that you have that opinion of me. And no, those feelings aren’t going to just go away. I feel it’s unfair that you brought it up. It is ok for you to have been with however many people. We both know it’s happened.

But my one time in seven months is too much.

That is an unfair standard.

I understand that you still have feelings for me, and I understand the feelings of possessiveness and protection, because I was jealous when you said Luna was coming over. She wasn’t me, so I didn’t like it.

I get where you’re coming from.

There were so many other ways you could have asked that question rather than making me feel like a streetwalker. So many other words you could have used. There were so many ways to not cheapen and degrade my one experience that I thought was genuine enough to allow myself to have since being with you.

I’m hurt and angry over that because no matter how many times you say sorry, part of you believed I was low, and sorry doesn’t fix that you thought poorly of my character.

Propositioning Me

I also understand that I am pansexual, and that inquiring if I am still interested in women in and of itself is not insulting.

It felt wrong in the context of the situation.

Mentioning how it would be a favor if I would consider being with a person you have known less then a month when I am trying to be emotionally supportive makes me feel cheap. There’s an added level of abrasiveness to it when I said it would depend on how I got along with the person, and if it went anywhere, that I would want it to stay between her and I, and you counter with how you would want to be there for any sort of play.

It wouldn’t be play for me. I’m not interested in play. I’m interested in a deep, one-on-one connection with someone. I’m not the Discovery Channel, which is what I feel like right now. I’m not something to watch for amusement.

I didn’t talk to you to hook up with someone, or to arrange anything of the sort, and when I gave an inch I seriously feel like you took a mile.

Ok, so someone wants to experience a female partner for the first time. I could entertain the idea under these conditions. These are my limits.

But those conditions weren’t good enough. Those limits were too much.

A situation like that would have nothing to do with compassion and empathy for what you’re going through. I’m mostly angry about it because your statement came after I had clearly stated what I was ok with. For me, it was blatant disregard for my feelings and limits.

Possibly All In My Head

I know this section may be wrong of me. I’m still going to write about it because it’s part of the discord. I don’t want an explanation. I don’t care about what is right, or true. I’m writing to get the feelings out, and once I’m done writing they will be gone. Contacting me in away way regarding this situation, or trying to explain what ‘really’ happened is NOT ok.

I understand you had plans with Luna before we had spoken, so it didn’t bother me that you kept your plans with her. I wanted to be in her place, and part of me was jealous and I’m not going to deny that.

I was under the impression that the plans for Em staying the night were tentative, or at least not solid. You said she ‘may’ stay. Because we had been talking so much I thought if plans were so tentative, and you wanted to see me as much as you had said, that you would have arranged for your evening to be free.

I had made it clear that I would be tired after working and being awake for so long, that I wouldn’t have the energy to meet a new person, and that I would like to meet Em somewhere public first. Getting tea or lunch. Something neutral, none threatening. Not a bedroom I’ve never been in at 1am.

But she stayed the night, and I felt worthless.

I felt like it wasn’t me that you wanted company from. As long as it was ‘someone’ then it’s fine. Anyone will do.

I’m not going to be just someone. I’m not going to be an option you can randomly call to fill a void. And that’s what I felt like.

Again. Maybe it was word choice and those plans were solid before I entered the picture. Maybe this part of the situation is all fictitious inside of my head, but I wasn’t ok with it. It was not how I wanted my night to end.

I guess this part of the situation is girlish and silly of me. I felt like you seriously wanted my company again. And not just in a sexual way. I felt like the companionship we used to have was there, and that you wanted it too, and that you would want it enough to respect my need to not have another person involved. I thought you wanted to reconnect. Just us.

But your actions said otherwise and a lot of the emotions I felt last night were directed at myself. I was angry at myself. At my own expectations, which weren’t fair to you.

You are your own person, and you are allowed to make whatever choices you want. I am in control of how I react to those choices. I am responsible for my own emotions, and so I recognize that what I felt and still feel, are entirely my own doing.

I am not angry that Em stayed. I am not angry at her or you for having time together. I am angry at myself for being ridged and unbending, and for expecting. It is not fair of me to expect. That takes away your freedom. And I apologize for that.

Broke Pieces Shatter Further

I admit that when I woke up this morning I still had the broken pieces of yesterday at the forefront of my mind. I was hurt that I was waking up alone. That I wasn’t important or special enough. I was thinking negative thoughts.

I know I was being emo. I know I was brooding and being childish, and I even wrote that yesterday. That I knew I was doing this to myself, but I couldn’t stop or change how I felt.

I woke up to a single word from you on my phone.

You: “Cross?”

Um… Yes… You know I am. If the title “Angst and Frustration” didn’t tip you off I don’t know what would have.

It actually took a long time for me to type my one word reply because of the wasp’s nest inside of me. I wanted to reach out to you. I wanted to feel like I still mattered, and that I wasn’t just a body. I was a person with feelings. I was a friend, and the situation was just something I was blowing out of proportion. I wanted reassurance that what I felt was wrong.

Me: “Morning”
You: “Try again”

Fuck you. How’s that for try again, because that’s what it feels like you just typed to me.

I understand that I was your submissive. I understand that I still think of you as Sir, and that I will most likely always use that title when I refer to you in a conversation because using your actual name feels wrong. You are Sir, forever and always. Just like I’m Freya. It’s how we identify each other.

I understand we have history.

Telling me to try again so I type, “Morning, Sir” is specifically an act of dominance / submission.

I am NOT your submissive.

That message was a conscious, knowing, effort on your part to establish or invoke feelings of those roles again.

I am a friend reaching out to you to be supportive. Telling me to try again when I send you a greeting was like getting slapped in the face. I was still angry and hurt, and the second interaction I have with any living being is to be told that what I said wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t said the right way.

It was said perfectly fine. There was nothing wrong with saying “Morning”. Nothing needed to be tried again.

I don’t think that comment was fair. At all. I feel it was very uncalled for and inappropriate. I didn’t offer to reestablish our dynamic. I felt like I treated you with respect through all of our interactions online and on the phone.

I don’t think you did the same for me, and that makes me angry, hurt, and frustrated.

This post is the result of me trying turn the other cheek and not say anything. This discord is the price I pay for my silence, and I’m sorry for not communicating better. I know part, if not all, of this is my own doing since, again, I am solely responsible for how I react to the events in my life.

I feel there was not a mutual level of respect, and so while I may be an overreacting, raging, destructive catastrophe right now, I feel that I am justified.

Fire is erupting, pushing through the earth that tried so hard to bury all of the conflict and discord. I am a volcano, lava destroying everything in its path. Hot. Volatile. A force which cannot be stopped nor stifled.

Tomorrow I will wake up. And it will be a good day. The eruption over, the lava spilt, the earth scorched and bear, and new growth will begin. The first brave stalks of grass taking hold. Green and life returning.

Tonight, however, I will continue to rage. To spew and fume and eject all of this negativity from me so that it can no longer hold sway over me.

My Call To Action

I hope, like me, you heal. I hope you stop self-medicating and that you confront the issues that you are hiding from.

You were unhappy when we were together. I was just a band-aid for it. You disliked your job. You disliked where you were at in life, and I don’t think that’s changed.

I hope you find yourself because I honestly think that is what you lost. And no one can help you find that except you.

Daily Post 0096: Round Two – Fight

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I’m angry still. And most likely will be for a few days.

On the upside I slept last night. I ended up staying in bed for about an hour, trying to sleep and failing because my shin hurt so much. I got up around 3am and took Nyquil with Advil. I also ate since I knew I would be hungry from being awake for so long, and I can’t sleep when I’m hungry because I’m lame.

So I finally got to sleep and slept until 11. Later than what I wanted to, but at least I as awake before I had to be to work.

I had my coffee, showered, dressed, and packed everything up. I had enough time to go to my sports bar for lunch which was nice. I at least got to keep most of my routine in check. I made my to-do list and listened to music. I even started taking care of my tasks while I was there.

I got to school later than what I wanted. But I wasn’t late, so that was fine. I like being early so I can be setup and ready to go. I was willing to sacrifice that today to be able to have my lunch time.

Lab went well. While I was on break I ran over to the Dollar General store near work. I wanted to see if the had a 1 quart pitcher since that will fit better in my mini fridge then the gallon pitcher I have right now.

No dice though. Guess I’ll have to go to Walmart for it. Or maybe Target would have one. Worth a look-see.

Critiques went well, however we’re still running into an issue where after 10 people the hangout gets full, and no one else is allowed to join. We’re going to try using a different system next time. I think it will work though. Lots of really awesome feedback again.

Next Friday Clavan wants to do a coding session afterwards, which I think will be a great addition. Each Friday can have a different focus. One Friday can be code, the another Friday can be the guest speaker AMA. Just have to figure out what to do with the other two Fridays of the month…

But yeah, that went well.

I got all of my schoolwork done. The case study was once again interesting.

I was able to figure out an issue with Shannon’s rig that was stumping everyone, so that made me feel good.

It’s too late for the dojo or the gym. I’m supposed to run with a friend tomorrow, though we won’t really be running together. We’re app buddies through Nike now, so we agreed we would both run tomorrow, which means I can’t run tonight, so I don’t really have an outlet for the frustration.

I don’t think running tonight would be a good idea anyway with how sore my shin still is. Even running on the treadmill tomorrow might be pushing it. But at this point I honestly don’t care. I’m going to do it regardless because screw you body.

Maybe that is mildly self destructive of me. And it’s only now that I remember that I have the dojo class at 10am tomorrow so I’ll be waking up at 8 and unable to go running in the morning. I have lunch with Rhonda so I can’t do it midafternoon. Sam is getting the computer desks, so I can’t do it in the evening, and then I have lab at 9pm…

FML… I feel like I just got one-shot by the world again.

Daily Post 0080: A Title Goes Here But I Can’t Think of One

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Mother Earth is in intensive care right now at the hospital.

I don’t know what else to write.

I’m exhausted. My eyes hurt from being tired and from crying.

I wasn’t able to hold it together the whole day. I tried.

I had messaged Mother Earth last night for the dates of the wedding. I wanted to request my time off even though it’s more of a diplomatic thing. I wouldn’t show up to work even if my request were denied.

She had responded a while later saying that she would get me the dates as soon as she got back home. At the moment she was at the hospital.

I texted back, “Hospital?”

A little while later I got a reply. It was Josh. He was using Mother Earth’s phone. She had said she had chest pains, and they were getting worse, so they were at the hospital. They would keep me posted.

I wasn’t very worried at the time, though looking back at it I suppose ‘chest pain’ should have been a huge, “WFT, not good,” flag.

It wasn’t until later this afternoon that I noticed a post on Facebook from Josh saying that Mother Earth was in an ICU and that she could use our thoughts and prayers.

After reading the post I was in instant shut down mode. I focused on everything, literally everything else expect that fact. It wasn’t real. It was just information floating around in my mind that I was going to avoid.

And for a while I was successful.

I got the rest of my podcast recorded. I brushed Scarlet. I did some pointless, irrelevant chores that I can’t remember. I went to the gym and practiced for my kyu 6 test and taekwondo. I talked to my mom about how we were going to get my furniture to Orlando.

All the while this box that I had shoved all of my emotions into was rattling. Building.

After the gym I was went to the craft store to get the thread that I needed, and that’s when it started becoming too much.

I focused on breathing. I focused on the road. I focused on everything that wasn’t inside of my head, and even with that silent tears kept running down my face, and I couldn’t stop them.

Somehow I got in and out of the store. Some how I made it home. But once I was inside, alone, I lost it. I cried. I felt helpless. I felt weak. I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt useless. I felt so horribly alone.

After a little while I opened my laptop. I wanted to message Josh.

Instead I saw that I had a message from Tre. I replied to it since I haven’t talked to him since Friday. It came up that he was at school, and I asked if it would be ok if I came by to see him.

“What type of question is that? COME HERE NOW!!!!” What his response. It made me smile.

I said, “Just to give you fair warning, I might come unglued a little bit.”

When I got to school there were a handful of people around. We watched Tre’s reel, which came out amazing. But eventually he asked what was going on in ‘Jen land’. So I told him.

I said it out loud.

Mother Earth is in intensive care right now.

More tears, but not hysterics. I gave myself points for not losing my shit in front of everyone.

He let me talk through all of the facts I know, which isn’t much. He listened. He kept me grounded while this void opened up under my feet.

We stepped out of the lab for more space, more air. It helped. Moving, being up helped. It made things feel more real. We talked about facts. I said I knew she was at the best place possible, where she will be able to get the help and care she needs.

I said I knew if I was on the outside of it I would have a battle plan and I would be taking action and I would be making sure everyone was taken care of, but that right now my brain can’t process this information.

When faced with the thought of Mother Earth not being here I can’t think any more. I don’t know how to handle that information. I have no place for it in my head. No spot for it to go. This information is wrong, it can’t exist. It doesn’t function in my world.

Mother Earth has to be here. I have to be her maid of honor. I have to cook zucchini fries for her. We have to have pillow talks and laugh about how boys are stupid.

My world can’t function, can’t exist, if she isn’t in it.

That’s what is going through my mind right now. And I know that makes me sound weak. I know that makes me sound dependent. I know that it’s stupid and childish.

Of course I can function with out her. People lose loved ones everyday, and they continue to live. They wake up and keep living their lives. It can be done, so who am I to say I can’t.

But that’s what it feels like. It feels like everything will stop. That time will freeze. That I will never move past that point in time if it happens. There will be no more after that event. It will be as if the TV were turned off in the middle of an episode, and the audience will be left wondering what the true end was.

We’ll never know.

That’s what it feels like. I can’t see life without her in it. In my world she has to be there, and when faced with the reality that she may not, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t fly out to Texas. I can’t be there to hold her hand. I can’t make a deal with her, that if she’s strong for me I’ll be strong for her. I can’t hold Josh and share the burden with him.

I can’t do anything but sit in front of a computer. One that part of me wants to throw against the wall and shatter into pieces because that’s what it feels like is happening to me right now. I want to be destructive. I want to rage at life. I want this to not be happening.

I want to be a weak, scared child, and have my Mother Earth pet my hair and tell me that everything will be ok. And I want to be able to believe that everything will be ok. And maybe if I were on the outside of the situation, away from all of these emotions I would see that everything will in fact be ok.

But I’m not there. I’m in the middle of it and all I can see is darkness, and all I can feel is fear and desperation. I want to do something. Anything. One thing, any thing, that will make all of this ok. Right all of this wrong. And there is nothing I can do. Literally, nothing, except wait.

I feel like the monsters are real. I feel like they’re going to win.

How am I supposed to be an Earth Dragon without my Mother Earth?

Musing Moments 0015: On the Subject of Bad Customer Service…

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Dear Bank of America,

I am not normally one to give bad reviews or to slander a company’s service. I understand that we are all human, that mistakes are made, people have bad days, and the ball can get dropped unintentionally.

However, I am tired of the poor customer service I receive from you, and I feel after the experience I had this morning that I have to speak out and voice my dissatisfaction publicly, rather than through surveys which seem to do nothing to alter things.

I am sad to say that I will NOT be recommending your company to ANYONE. I do not feel like a “valued customer” right now because the simple question of “When should I worry that there is an issue with my transaction?” Was ignored. Repeatedly. And when I mentioned that the solution that was suggested had already been tried, I was given the same “solution”.

I understand that your online system may in fact just be a computer program going through a complied list of responses. The very least you could do is add an option saying, “I am unable to answer your question.” Instead, it is set up to be frustrating. Infuriating, even.

I am disappointed in you as a company. I have had other issues in the past, and this is the one that finally does it in for me. I will be leaving your service as soon as I am able to. I do not want to continue banking with a company that is unable to answer a question as simple, as important, as “When should I be concerned that there is an issue?” I do not want to stay with a company who does not appear to value my service or concerns.

Your extremely disappointed, frustrated, and unvalued customer,

Jennifer Conley

customerService

Daily Post 0041: The Real End

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I started writing last night but never got around to finishing it. My emotions have settled down between now and then so I don’t feel it’s right to continue adding to this entry.

This is what I ended up with.

I survived today. I wish I felt better about that.

It was a pretty good day overall but, once again, I am giving Jarrett power over me.

I finished both exercises for my class last night. Even stitched a little.

I woke up and had coffee, made it to school fairly early so I had some time in the morning to write graduation cards for six students.

After I got the cards in order I began work on my main project for this week. We have to find different pictures which convey a feeling or idea: lonely, multi-cultural, hungry, pride, and childish.

It was a really cool project. Once you found an image you liked you had to create a color pallet based off the colors used in the image, and justify why you used them.

At 11 I went to the graduation ceremony. I was in the center of the stage somehow. Normally I’m off to one side. But nope. I was the first person to the left of the podium. It was hard to not shake, I was so nervous.

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been to a graduation. I think two months now. Maybe longer. I don’t remember it being that nerve wracking.

I got to say congratulations to everyone though. So that was rewarding and worth it.

I got to hand out the cards to everyone as well.

I went back to lab afterwards and continued working on my homework. I was super close to my limit though. I needed breathing room. Lab was almost over, so as long as I could hold out for about an hour I would be fine.

Finding pictures I liked for my assignment took the most time. I had to find ‘the perfect picture’. I didn’t want to use just any image. So yeah, most of my time went into Internet searching.

After lab I met with Jarrett and got the Internet equipment. That went surprisingly well. He told me about his new roommate, how he’s extroverted and doesn’t give Jarrett quiet alone time.

I don’t feel bad for him.

I asked if he thought he would be able to pay me the $60 from last months bills and he said he would be able to on the 18th.

Cool. So I could return the equipment and pay the bill and he would pay me back. At least that was something.

He had to get to class and I had to get away. So we said goodbye, no hugs, and went our separate ways.

I went to my sports bar for lunch since it’s Friday. I finished off my homework and replied to the discussion posts, so the only thing left for the class is a two hour Photoshop tutorial that I need to work through.

I came back to school around 3pm and went into the break room to finish cross stitching the Dragon of Compassion.

I happened to look at my phone then, which is where things got icky.

Jarrett had sent me a handful of texts asking if I had turned off the power.

Since my phone was on DnD mode, it didn’t go off when I got the messages.

He asked for me to reply ASAP.

He actually called me twice which was the only reason I looked at my phone. If you call once, it goes straight to voice mail. Twice, and my phone thinks it’s an emergency and patches your through.

So Jarrett was calling me, and I answered.

He asked if I had turned off the power, and I said yes. He was quiet, then said he didn’t know what he was going to do but that he would figure it out.

I said ok, and we hung up.

About 10 minutes later I got the text message saying, “You realize that I won’t be able to get you that 60 anytime soon”

I didn’t know how to reply. My knee jerk response was, “I highly doubt you’re ever going to pay me back.”

I was mulling over what would be a diplomatic response when I got another message from him saying, “Realistically I won’t be paying you back at all bye”

That single text confirms everything. It solidifies all of the notions in my head. It makes all of my assumptions and pessimistic views correct.

It means that I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic, and that reality really sucks sometimes.

You’re choosing to be an ass. You’re purposefully choosing to screw me over. You’e self centered, childish (maybe I should use a picture of you for my assignment), and irresponsible. You need to get hit in the face with a brick called “Life”, which, hopefully, will either knock sense into you, or put you into a coma so you can stop fucking around with people’s lives and emotions.

I was angry after that. And tired.

I didn’t want to go to critiques. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to be surrounded by a burning ring of destruction because that’s what I felt inside.

Anger and rage and fury. All of it torching everything that it touched. Burning, blazing, and consuming all of the energy that I had left.

I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to take care of anything.

But I did. I went to the critique.

There was really awesome stuff being shown, and there were a fair amount of people there. It lasted until 6:30 so I couldn’t go to yoga, not that I would have really wanted to anyway.

I didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to be around people.

I was done. With the day, with Jarrett. With everything.

Screw everything and the horse it rode in on.

I didn’t want to turn the key in the car once I got there because I didn’t want to do anything. Even driving home seemed like it was just too much.

How hard is it for people to be fair? To be accountable to the obligations that they make?

Why is it that all I can do is sigh and accept the fact that he’s a child, and won’t grow up? Why can I not get some form of retribution, fairness, justice?

And why am I still so low as to need that? To crave it with what feels like every fiber of my being.

I eventually made myself drive home. Luckily Joshua and Susan weren’t in the living area. I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it. Through some magical reserve that appears out of no where. But I’m glad that I didn’t need it. I’m glad they weren’t there.

It was hard enough going into the break room and seeing Ari, and having to give her a hug and make nice talk. I had to assure her that nothing was wrong, that I was just tired, because I don’t feel comfortable talking to her anymore.

I didn’t want to talk to her about Jarrett. I didn’t want to be tangled up with her any longer than necessary.

Maybe it was a bit of a lie. But I said today had been sort of rough, with graduation, and critiques, and running here running there. I was just tired, and really wanted to go home.

She said she understood, and would be leaving shortly herself. She gave me another hug…

Which I don’t know of any hug that requires being pet on the back of the neck…

So I had that hindering my motivation to turn the key in my car. I really just wanted to sit there, defeated, and for a little while I did.

When I came home I curled up in bed, lights out, darkness outside and inside. I stayed like that for a really long time. A few hours at least.

I didn’t know what to do with the anger.

I guess there’s really nothing to do except let it run its course through me. Let it go so it can dissipate.

Maybe this is the end. The true end.

Maybe this is the last time I’ll have to deal with purging poison from my system. At least poison due to him.

I don’t know right now. I’m just so tired of hurting over him, when he does nothing to show that he cares about the pain he causes.

There’s no remorse, no compassion.

I’m sure in his mind I deserve to feel like this.

When we first broke up he said that he would try to earn me back. That he wanted me in his life and he would show me that.

He has done none of that though. He has lashed out at me, been rude, spiteful, demanding, and childish.

He has driven me further and further away, until it is so hard to remember that I cared for him. That there was ever anything positive. All I can see is the horrible viciousness now.

I’m left wondering how I ever thought he was worth the time, the money, the effort.

I know at the time, I felt it with my whole heart. More than anything else. I legitimately feel that I loved him. Not some twisted form of infatuation.

How did it fall so low? How did it die?

I don’t understand, and that lack of understanding is what causes most of my strife right now. If I at least knew why.

Why did he start pulling away? What could I have done differently? What it my fault? Our faults? His fault? Does it matter?

Could it have worked? Was there some magical thing that I could have done to mend us? Is there a universe out there where we survived and we lived happily ever after like I thought we would?

And even though he gave me answers to my questions of ‘why?’, I still ask them because I feel there is more to the answers that what he told me.

Or maybe it’s that his answers are just too small and shallow, the answers too simple so my mind refuses to accept them.

I know you’re deeper than that.