I started writing last night but never got around to finishing it. My emotions have settled down between now and then so I don’t feel it’s right to continue adding to this entry.

This is what I ended up with.

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I survived today. I wish I felt better about that.

It was a pretty good day overall but, once again, I am giving Jarrett power over me.

I finished both exercises for my class last night. Even stitched a little.

I woke up and had coffee, made it to school fairly early so I had some time in the morning to write graduation cards for six students.

After I got the cards in order I began work on my main project for this week. We have to find different pictures which convey a feeling or idea: lonely, multi-cultural, hungry, pride, and childish.

It was a really cool project. Once you found an image you liked you had to create a color pallet based off the colors used in the image, and justify why you used them.

At 11 I went to the graduation ceremony. I was in the center of the stage somehow. Normally I’m off to one side. But nope. I was the first person to the left of the podium. It was hard to not shake, I was so nervous.

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been to a graduation. I think two months now. Maybe longer. I don’t remember it being that nerve wracking.

I got to say congratulations to everyone though. So that was rewarding and worth it.

I got to hand out the cards to everyone as well.

I went back to lab afterwards and continued working on my homework. I was super close to my limit though. I needed breathing room. Lab was almost over, so as long as I could hold out for about an hour I would be fine.

Finding pictures I liked for my assignment took the most time. I had to find ‘the perfect picture’. I didn’t want to use just any image. So yeah, most of my time went into Internet searching.

After lab I met with Jarrett and got the Internet equipment. That went surprisingly well. He told me about his new roommate, how he’s extroverted and doesn’t give Jarrett quiet alone time.

I don’t feel bad for him.

I asked if he thought he would be able to pay me the $60 from last months bills and he said he would be able to on the 18^th.

Cool. So I could return the equipment and pay the bill and he would pay me back. At least that was something.

He had to get to class and I had to get away. So we said goodbye, no hugs, and went our separate ways.

I went to my sports bar for lunch since it’s Friday. I finished off my homework and replied to the discussion posts, so the only thing left for the class is a two hour Photoshop tutorial that I need to work through.

I came back to school around 3pm and went into the break room to finish cross stitching the Dragon of Compassion.

I happened to look at my phone then, which is where things got icky.

Jarrett had sent me a handful of texts asking if I had turned off the power.

Since my phone was on DnD mode, it didn’t go off when I got the messages.

He asked for me to reply ASAP.

He actually called me twice which was the only reason I looked at my phone. If you call once, it goes straight to voice mail. Twice, and my phone thinks it’s an emergency and patches your through.

So Jarrett was calling me, and I answered.

He asked if I had turned off the power, and I said yes. He was quiet, then said he didn’t know what he was going to do but that he would figure it out.

I said ok, and we hung up.

About 10 minutes later I got the text message saying, “You realize that I won’t be able to get you that 60 anytime soon”

I didn’t know how to reply. My knee jerk response was, “I highly doubt you’re ever going to pay me back.”

I was mulling over what would be a diplomatic response when I got another message from him saying, “Realistically I won’t be paying you back at all bye”

That single text confirms everything. It solidifies all of the notions in my head. It makes all of my assumptions and pessimistic views correct.

It means that I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic, and that reality really sucks sometimes.

You’re choosing to be an ass. You’re purposefully choosing to screw me over. You’e self centered, childish (maybe I should use a picture of you for my assignment), and irresponsible. You need to get hit in the face with a brick called “Life”, which, hopefully, will either knock sense into you, or put you into a coma so you can stop fucking around with people’s lives and emotions.

I was angry after that. And tired.

I didn’t want to go to critiques. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to be surrounded by a burning ring of destruction because that’s what I felt inside.

Anger and rage and fury. All of it torching everything that it touched. Burning, blazing, and consuming all of the energy that I had left.

I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to take care of anything.

But I did. I went to the critique.

There was really awesome stuff being shown, and there were a fair amount of people there. It lasted until 6:30 so I couldn’t go to yoga, not that I would have really wanted to anyway.

I didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to be around people.

I was done. With the day, with Jarrett. With everything.

Screw everything and the horse it rode in on.

I didn’t want to turn the key in the car once I got there because I didn’t want to do anything. Even driving home seemed like it was just too much.

How hard is it for people to be fair? To be accountable to the obligations that they make?

Why is it that all I can do is sigh and accept the fact that he’s a child, and won’t grow up? Why can I not get some form of retribution, fairness, justice?

And why am I still so low as to need that? To crave it with what feels like every fiber of my being.

I eventually made myself drive home. Luckily Joshua and Susan weren’t in the living area. I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it. Through some magical reserve that appears out of no where. But I’m glad that I didn’t need it. I’m glad they weren’t there.

It was hard enough going into the break room and seeing Ari, and having to give her a hug and make nice talk. I had to assure her that nothing was wrong, that I was just tired, because I don’t feel comfortable talking to her anymore.

I didn’t want to talk to her about Jarrett. I didn’t want to be tangled up with her any longer than necessary.

Maybe it was a bit of a lie. But I said today had been sort of rough, with graduation, and critiques, and running here running there. I was just tired, and really wanted to go home.

She said she understood, and would be leaving shortly herself. She gave me another hug…

Which I don’t know of any hug that requires being pet on the back of the neck…

So I had that hindering my motivation to turn the key in my car. I really just wanted to sit there, defeated, and for a little while I did.

When I came home I curled up in bed, lights out, darkness outside and inside. I stayed like that for a really long time. A few hours at least.

I didn’t know what to do with the anger.

I guess there’s really nothing to do except let it run its course through me. Let it go so it can dissipate.

Maybe this is the end. The true end.

Maybe this is the last time I’ll have to deal with purging poison from my system. At least poison due to him.

I don’t know right now. I’m just so tired of hurting over him, when he does nothing to show that he cares about the pain he causes.

There’s no remorse, no compassion.

I’m sure in his mind I deserve to feel like this.

When we first broke up he said that he would try to earn me back. That he wanted me in his life and he would show me that.

He has done none of that though. He has lashed out at me, been rude, spiteful, demanding, and childish.

He has driven me further and further away, until it is so hard to remember that I cared for him. That there was ever anything positive. All I can see is the horrible viciousness now.

I’m left wondering how I ever thought he was worth the time, the money, the effort.

I know at the time, I felt it with my whole heart. More than anything else. I legitimately feel that I loved him. Not some twisted form of infatuation.

How did it fall so low? How did it die?

I don’t understand, and that lack of understanding is what causes most of my strife right now. If I at least knew why.

Why did he start pulling away? What could I have done differently? What it my fault? Our faults? His fault? Does it matter?

Could it have worked? Was there some magical thing that I could have done to mend us? Is there a universe out there where we survived and we lived happily ever after like I thought we would?

And even though he gave me answers to my questions of ‘why?’, I still ask them because I feel there is more to the answers that what he told me.

Or maybe it’s that his answers are just too small and shallow, the answers too simple so my mind refuses to accept them.

I know you’re deeper than that.