Daily Post

Writings and ramblings from my daily life.

Evening Reflection 005: Goodbye Reply

Standard

Daily Summary:
Today has been a day. I woke up early, and by early I mean 6 AM. Since I haven’t been sleeping well it was nice to finally have a full night of sleep. Writing helped settle my thoughts. I puttered around for a little bit before showering and going to H&R Block to file my taxes. While I was getting ready John called and he and I talked for a bit. 

After filing taxes I called Ox. We had already had a small morning chat. He wanted to make sure I was awake and to see how I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling the best. A bit more congested this morning than I had been the previous morning. I no longer had Mucinex and with only $40 in my bank account until Friday, I didn’t want to buy more meds so I resigned my day to be on the more “suffer” side of the spectrum. 

During our second conversation, we decided it would be better for me to stay at the apartment. I miss the cats. I want to cuddle with them. I also don’t want to be around a lot of people right now and that wouldn’t be the situation at the house. So apartment it was. 

I went back to sleep once I got there. I slept until roughly 2 PM. I felt better when I woke up. Not tons better, but less congested.

I wrote my “morning” post. I haven’t been writing them as early as I would like, but better to write late than not at all. At least I’m haphazardly returning to my habit and I wanted to keep that going so I did. 

I’ve spent most of my awake time resting or cross-stitching. 

I did receive a reply to my Goodbye email. That I’ll save for the ramble section. John and Ox both have talked to me about it. They are supportive of me and reassured me I am still loved. After reading the email twice I have moved it into that person’s folder in my inbox. I won’t be replying to it. I am content to let things end as they are. 

That’s been my day. The cold sore that I broke out with is healing which is nice. It’s another indicator of how not ok the relationship was making me feel. It takes a lot of stress for me to break out like I did. This is the second time I’ve broken out since starting this friendship. Hopefully, with leaving the discord my body can stop having stress responses and I can continue finding my way back to myself. 

. 

Random Ramblings:
One of the scary things about being open with people and sharing past hurts with them is they know your insecurities. They know your wounds and how deeply they hurt you. 

Nearly every wound I shared with this person was brought up in the email. She mentioned how my mom would have been proud of me being this person’s care partner; implying she is disappointed in me walking away from the dynamic. She said I use my mom’s death as a crutch to get my way because it’s easier to do that than to move past the unhealthy connection I have with her death. I was told I never considered the other person’s feelings and how that should have been a red flag to her; an indicator that I didn’t care. She said we only ever did the things I wanted to do and how I “talked a good talk” but never followed through with my actions. 

Just… all of these things. And in the back of my head, I can hear my weak and injured self asking, “What if she’s right?”

I am reminded of when Warren #2 and Zane would talk me out of breaking up with them. They would tell me the issues we were having were my fault and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was told if I were an adult I would stay because adults don’t run away from their problems. 

There were so many twisted words in the email I received and all I could think when reading it was how none of those statements were the truth. None of what was written was an accurate representation of what the past three months have been like.

Were I still the insecure 20-something-year-old I had been during those previous relationships, I might have stayed. I might have written back with tears in my eyes apologizing even if I didn’t feel I was wrong. I would have needed the validation of someone else to feel some sort of worth. 

A small part of me cares that this person wants to think that I am a liar and that they are weaving an inaccurate story to their family and friends. But the larger part of myself, the warrior who has fought her way out of previous manipulative relationships is glad that I ended the friendship after three months rather than three years. 

I have lived 33 years without this person in my life. Instead of worrying, I’m going to let it go. Ox was kind enough to let me read the email to him and for me to voice my worries and fears. He was his INTJ/P self and helped me remember the logical, rational events rather than letting me stay lost in the emotions. Even though he couldn’t hold me or pet my hair, he held me with his words and settled me onto solid ground again. 

This person wished me lots of luck with Ox because I “would need it to have a healthy relationship with him”. I’m choosing not to take that luck because I don’t need luck with Ox. The “big words I use to describe normal everyday situations which no one understands”…. Ox understands them. He understands me. He loves me and he’s supportive of me. John understands me and is supportive of me. 

I don’t need luck to have healthy relationships because the ones I have are already healthy. 

Evening Reflection 004: Good vs Bad

Standard

Daily Summary:
Last night was another sleepless night. That made this morning pretty non-existent. I did finally manage to get up. Didn’t do a whole lot before work. Ox came over once his day was done. He hung around for a little bit then left. 

Work was a quiet day. Nothing to report there. 

Really, other than today being super windy I don’t have a lot to type about. Made some more progress on the cross-stitch I have going. I have one active project now instead of three. I like that. Finally finishing things instead of having lots of stuff left incomplete. 

Haven’t made my soup yet. I was waiting until work was done to take care of that, so while my “goal” for today isn’t complete, the day isn’t over so I’m ok with that. 

John suggested I watch Centarworld on Netflix. It’s… interesting. Definitely has its moments. I’m only on episode 3. Hoping as I keep watching it I get more into it. 

I file taxes tomorrow. I’m hoping that helps out financially in the near future. 

I did shower today. With my morning being screwed by trying to get sleep, I waited until my lunch break to get that accomplished. Was totally an adult and did it though. 

With all of the emotional discord that has been going on in my life, I’m ok with today being a quiet, boring day. 

Random Ramblings:
At what point in life do you know if you are a bad person or a good person? 

After several days of not “rambling” let us wrestle with this super heavy topic. 

That’s what kept me up last night. I know I have hurt someone deeply. Someone I do care about. Do they see it that way? Do they think I’m a selfish bitch? Do they hate me? Is this event the defining moment in my life that tips the scales from one side to the other?

Was I a bad person when Warren and I broke up? I know he harbored feelings over it for a really long time. And yet, here he and I stand, still some of the closest friends either of us has in our lives. 

Was it because the hurt we caused each other was when we were “young and stupid”? Does age factor into how good or bad you are overall? Was it because enough time passed between then and now that the “badness” faded, diluted by the steps we took to become better people? 

Is good or bad purely an outside perspective? A label placed upon us? Or is it defined by our own perspective of ourselves? 

I’m reminded of the question, “When a villain looks in the mirror do they see a good guy or a bad guy?”

Surely our own perspective cannot be the only one that matters since our own perspective may not always be clear or unbiased. 

So what then? Where does that leave me? Am I a horrible person? An ok person? A decent person? A good person? 

Am I worthy of a title that implies amnesty from the harm I have caused others throughout my life? I did these things. I caused this hurt. But it’s ok. I’m still a “good” person…

No. No, I’m not. I’m human. I fuck up. I also struggle with and through my own internal battles; battles that I barely seem to win most of the time. I count my days as successful when I shower. When I take my meds. When I am able to not cry. I am so injured, still, from what my life feels like it has been. One life crisis after another after another. Never time to fully process the magnitude before something else needs contending with. Until I couldn’t anymore. 

It’s the main factor for me quitting my previous job. Because I asked for the time to take care of my own emotional and mental health and was told to increase my antidepressant. Told to “fake it until you make it”. 

No. That’s not how I want to live life and so I chose to leave and try to find something supportive instead. 

And I did. Somehow the universe gave me a job where I could start to focus on healing and finding myself again. 

And here is where I fear to type. Because my perspective of the dynamic I ended… What if my perspective is wrong? What if, what if, what if? 

I don’t know. I know I don’t deserve to be yelled at, even if it’s in an email. I know I don’t deserve to have someone curse at me when I have never cursed at that person. I don’t deserve to be held accountable for “vague answers” when after asking multiple times what it is I need to clarify I get “I don’t want to write about it.”

I can’t heal when it feels like no matter what I try to do I fail. I hurt the person if I try to figure out what works. I hurt myself by staying in a dynamic that’s unhealthy. And yet I hurt us both by leaving as well. It sucks. And I’m left wondering how it all fits into the tapestry of the universe. Where is it on the spectrum of good vs bad?

What do my actions say about me? What do our interactions say about them?

And the end of all of the thinking, “I’m human,” was the only thing that seemed to fit. It didn’t hurt like “bad” and it didn’t feel wrong like “good”. 

Much in the way that I don’t think of myself as beautiful. Beautiful is a perspective as is ugly. I exist and how people choose to define the visual representation of that existence is their choice. 

I guess good and bad fall into the same space in my head now. I exist and I have a history, not all of it things I am proud of. Everyone will have an opinion. For most, it won’t matter what the details are. What my side is. What their side is. People will form perspectives and once they are formed there is very little that even truth can do to change it. 

I am human. I exist. Existence is neither good nor bad. It simply is. I think ultimately, trying to fit all of one’s existence into a single box label “good” or “bad” is an injustice to all of the complexity that existence truly is. 

I guess I’m ok with that. I am reminded of the “about me” section I have on a different platform. It warms my heart that through all of the years, this mentality holds true. Even through all of the discord, I am still able to find my way back to my truths. 

“I’ll end with saying that I am myself
and that for an INFJ the
easiest way to sum everything up
is to say, ‘I’m complex `”. 

Past Me Regarding My Life

Morning Musing 004: Friday 02.11.22

Standard

Gratitude:
I am grateful for not having to work until later in the afternoon instead of zero-dark-thirty in the morning that way I can spend hours not being able to sleep and still manage to get a nap in before work. 

#1 Goal:
Making my final meal before the cauliflower goes bad.

#1 Concern
Still my unstable dynamic.

#1 Achievement:
I achieved my goal yesterday. I also have a five-day writing streak according to WordPress. Pretty content with those two things.

Evening Reflection 003: Pre-Burrito

Standard

Daily Summary:
I didn’t get to sleep until after 4am this morning. I called Ox and talked to him as he drove to work; that’s something I haven’t done in weeks with our schedules being opposite now. It was nice; reassuring. I needed to hear his voice after spending hours inside my own head. 

I sent an email ending my unstable dynamic. I mentioned that as my #1 concern right now. I’m not proud to say I did it over email. There’s a lot that I’m feeling in regard to this situation and I still feel this isn’t the safest place to talk about it. That’s ok though. I was able to talk to Ox and my brother. I was able to work through at least some of the emotions enough to have fitful sleep from 5am to roughly 8am. 

John and I talked extensively about his house buying adventure. Currently, if everything goes as planned they will close on the house 03/15. I still need to fill out the application to take over the lease for the house they’re renting. I won’t be able to do that until next Friday. Can’t afford the application fee until then. 

That lead to a long conversation about the mother-in-law. I was also able to share what was going on in my life. 

I rested for a while after my call with him. I was still in bed when Ox surprised me. He came over with Seafood Soup from the Chinese place we really like. It made it feel more ok to get out of bed and face the world. 

As far as sickness goes. I feel fine. I’ll have a productive cough once in a while, but that’s it. The soup helped my sinuses. Nice, warm, and full of memories from previous times we’ve had soup together. 

Ox left shortly before I started work. I had another graded call. Scored a 100. I found out next week we will have individual sessions to review our scorecards. That’s cool. Mine is above average so I feel ok about it. This card is also still within our “probationary” period, so it doesn’t actually count. Nothing else really exciting in the realm of work.

I finished both cross-stitch projects I was working on. So that’s cool. Reached my goal.

I got text messages from a former coworker. We chatted back and forth for a bit. Most likely won’t be able to see each other for a while. We’re trying to figure out something that works for both of us. Life doesn’t make that easy. 

And here I am, at the end of the night, surviving my anxiety.
 

Random Ramblings:
I don’t really want to ramble tonight. I have stuff on my mind. I’m sure there are things I could work through or analyze. I’m not though. I need to be my friend for a while, and right now that means being a blanket burrito without inner judgment. 

Morning Musing 003: Thursday 02.10.22

Standard

Gratitude:
I am grateful for solitude and inner strength.

#1 Goal:
Finish the two cross stitch patterns which are closest to completion.

#1 Concern
I ended my unstable dynamic.

#1 Achievement:
I cleaned the kitchen last night and made another one of my meals. I also showered. It seems so dumb to type those things as achievements. For me, they are. I could have done nothing. I could have let my depression and anxiety eat away at me. Though those things did hinder my ability to sleep, I’m proud that I still accomplished things within my life even if they were small things.

Evening Reflection 002: Losing Space

Standard

Daily Summary:
Today wasn’t bad. Still a little on the tired side, but health-wise I feel so much better it’s crazy. I got a handful of things done before having to clock in for work. John and I are still figuring out what’s going on with the apartment/house.

So a bit of backstory about that… He and his partner have been looking at buying a house. They’ve been jerked back and forth a bit and so they figured they would wait, then they were looking again, then they were seriously going to wait this time…

Now they have made an offer on a house, it has been accepted, and all everyone is waiting on is for the inspection to take place.

So… John and his partner are looking at having me take over the lease for the house they are currently renting once the lease for my apartment is up. The rental house isn’t in an ideal location, but there are some serious perks to having a house rather than a 3rd-floor apartment. All of this hinges on the inspection going well, so we’ll see. I should know within the next 5 weeks what’s going on in that regard. 

That involved a lot of conversations this morning plus a lot of crunching numbers. 

There was a mini-meeting at work to go over a few changes which recently rolled out, plus covering some topics for what’s on the horizon. Other than that work was pretty chill. I finished cleaning the kitchen during my lunch break since yesterday sort of ruined the whole “taking care of it tomorrow” thing I had going on Monday.

I’ve finished up my evening email stuff. I’m almost done with writing, which will be the last of the computer bit. Then it’s a shower and most likely sleep for me. I might cross-stitch a little. I’m getting close to the end of the project I’m working on. It’s hard to stop stitching when it’s so close to being finished. >.<

Random Ramblings:
My random ramble, the topic I want to write about and figure out, I can’t. At least it feels like I can’t. I am back in the situation I used to be in with Sir where I have shared this space with people in my actual life and now I feel like I cannot write freely for fear of it being taken out of context. 

I fear being confronted with things I am not ready to talk about; that’s why I write about them, to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. I fear their anger. I fear their misunderstanding. It’s exhausting to constantly worry that what I say or do is going to be wrong. What I have already typed is most likely too much.

It sucks. It’s disheartening. It feels like I’ve lost a cherished, sacred space.

I know I will grow past this fear. I know I will figure out this aspect of my life but for right now I am saddened. Since I can’t write what I truly want to write about there doesn’t seem to be much point in writing at all. 

Morning Musing 002: Wednesday 02.09.22

Standard

Gratitude:
I’m grateful for medication and the advancement of health science which afforded me the ability to get through the worst of my sick feelings yesterday. 

#1 Goal:
My goal today will still be to survive. I feel better able to do said survival, but I think giving myself a giant task list or some such wouldn’t be kind to myself.

I have already called the dentist. They wanted to move my appointment to a closer date since my crown came in early. I let them know I have been sick and keeping my appointment at the original date would be in everyone’s best interest. 

I have also had several conversations with my brother and Ox in regards to future living arrangements. I have managed my email and am in the process of writing… I have done things already. It wasn’t a lot, but they were important things and I want to call it good for today and so I am. 

Maybe…. MAYBE… I’ll shower during my lunch break. No commitment though.

#1 Concern
There was a blow-up in what I will refer to as my Unstable Dynamic. This is the issue taking up most of my emotional energy, which I don’t have much of due to being so sick yesterday and still in the process of recovering today. 

#1 Achievement:
I took the time to catch up with my evening post yesterday as well as writing today. One step closer to achieving the habit of writing, even while feeling like death. Woo!

Evening Reflection 001: Better Late than Never

Standard

Daily Summary:
Yesterday sucked. I had a sinus headache of doom. From 2pm-4pm I felt like death would feel if death wanted to die. Luckily that turned around. I kicked the thermostat up to 80 in the apartment. I bundled up in my blankets and prayed to the queue gods that I wouldn’t get a phone call. Eventually, I started feeling warm. I started sweating which helped. The nausea I had been fighting against lessened and I was able to drink and eat things. The headache started going away and my sinuses started draining.

I took two Benadryl, NyQuil, melatonin, and Motrin last night. Even with all of that, it wasn’t until I plugged in my heating pad and warmed up my rice bag that the tension in my neck and face relaxed enough for me to be able to sleep.

But holy fuck was sleep amazing. I feel so much better right now than I did yesterday. So yeah… that’s where I was. Sucking it up and getting through life while being sick. Not the best day but god was the sleep worth it. 

Random Ramblings:
I had no random ramblings yesterday. My brain was too busy hating me to let me think.

Morning Musing: 001

Standard

Gratitude:
I am grateful for space heaters that keep my toes warm. 

#1 Goal:
Survive. I slept like crap due to post-nasal drip. My throat is sore. I’m freezing… and I have a billion hours of work ahead of me. At least I’m at home. There are a lot of advantages to my situation now than three months ago. I feel incredibly tired, but overall I’m fine. Just have to get through the day so I can go back to sleep. 

#1 Concern
I don’t know. A few things I guess. That I have covid is one of them. I don’t feel super awful, but I do feel way more shitty than I did yesterday morning. 

The real concern I guess I one of my dynamics. I don’t know if she reads my blog. Well… I know she has read it. I don’t know if she read my last posts and if she did if that is in some way where the emails I received yesterday stemmed from. 

I don’t feel well and I don’t have it in me right now. I’m concerned this is going to blow up into a huge issue again and right now I would rather avoid it than struggle. 

#1 Achievement:
Getting clocked into work on time. Super proud of myself for not taking eto or vto. Nope. Here I am, getting paid while I feel like shit. I’m even writing. Go me.