running

Daily Post 000: Starting The New Year

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So it’s the new year. Hooray. 2016 died the horrible death it deserved.

That means with my tracking system for daily posts we’re back to the beginning. A new beginning.

I’m happy to report that I’m back to being mostly normal. No more irrational post-travel rage. I think a lot of that has to do with things easing back into normalcy.

Big Bad and I finally got to see each other. It was only for a few hours yesterday. He still isn’t feeling well with whatever respiratory infection is going around. It was an extremely pleasant visit, though.

We played some matches of Soul Calibur. He was actually doing practice rounds with his favorite character when I showed up. How unfair is that? Pretty sure we need to classify that as cheating since I can’t practice. I mean, seriously. That’s an unfair advantage and I’m sticking to my guns on that one. It’s totally not because I have a burning need to kick his ass in a virtual game while yelling, “Take that!” at him or anything…

Even with his unfair advantage I still managed to win my fair share of the matches. I think by the time we called it quits it was 6 to 10.

We cuddled for a while afterward. No jujitsu sparring since his lungs are still infected with the plague. It was nice simply being close to him. It was nice realizing that even after over two weeks of not seeing each other the focus wasn’t sex but rather companionship. We rested together, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me. It was warm and connecting. We talked a little bit about my trip, about his holiday, about his mom’s birthday.

Eventually, as he was petting my hair, we lapsed into our shared silence. I actually fell asleep for a little bit, which was fantastic because I had slept horribly the night before, but that meant  I ended up being late getting to dinner with Nicole. I felt rude rushing out the way I did and I sent text messages to Big Bad as soon as I was able to apologizing.

I’m not sure when he and I will be able to see each other again. Hopefully before the 11th since that’s when I leave to visit my dad.

My blacksmith also wants us to spend time together. Along with everyone else who thinks I died in the last two weeks of not being in Orlando.

There’s a handful of people I legitimately want to see, but I think I’m going to have to limit my social time. As an introvert, I can feel the pressure of “too much social” building up. I need some space and downtime, or at least social interaction with the people who recharge me. My blacksmith is definitely on that list.

There’s a pang in my heart because I would like to see Mother  Earth, Josh, and Sir. I don’t think it will happen, though. One I’m not allowed to reach out to. Another told me to never message her again. And the last… I don’t know. I’ve reached out but nothing is ever set. Holidays have a way of making things crazy. Maybe now that it’s over it will change.

I don’t really have a whole lot to write about as far as my days go. The dojo repones today so I have three hours of ass kicking scheduled. I have therapy at 3 pm, which I think will go well. The holiday season turned out surprising well and I’m glad for it.

I have chores I want to do, so I’ll most likely shower and head out to accomplish those.

I painted the walls in my bathroom New Years eve. At 10 pm I posted a picture on Facebook with the message, “Ugh… this paint is going to take all year to dry.”

Sometimes I amuse myself. XD

I’ve figured out my resolution for this year. That means I have to talk to Tre and prepare him for me not accepting the contract offer. I’m pretty sure he’s been pushing his supervisor to highly consider me, so there’s a small amount of guilt for potentially making him look bad by not following through. Not enough to change my mind or make me alter my decision.

If my goal is to be happy then I shouldn’t do things that go against my priority. Not accepting the job might make things harder in the long run, but I’ll figure it out as I go, the same as I have for the past nine months. I’ll make it work, one way or another.

So I guess that’s where I am with that.

I ran again on Sunday. Added a half mile to my distance. Added a minute to my time. That was sort of lame, but I’m trying to look at the positive of it. Half mile. Woo. Go me.

It’s been amazingly warm this past week and I’m grateful for that as well. Winter is always hard for me. I think I’m doing better this year, all things considered, because of the warmth. I’m still able to get up and do things and bask in the sunlight in shorts and a tank top. I’m still able to feel alive rather than like I’m hibernating.

I redyed my hair, too. The roots had grown so long you couldn’t see the purple anymore when my hair was pulled back, which is always. I’m back to normal now, though. At least as normal as one can be with purple hair. I’ll most likely have to redye it on Friday since the roots didn’t take the color as well as I wanted. That’s normal though for right after having it bleached. I guess there’s something about the process that makes it angry. Finicky hair is finicky.

I got my brows waxed while I was there. Small girly self-indulgence.

I’ve gone through my cloths again, picking out the stuff that’s too big since there’s stuff like that now. I’m getting ride of some other stuff as well, like the sandals I replaced. That’s getting donated today, and a few things are going back into storage so they’re out of the apartment.

I’m working on getting my environment set up the way I want it. Completely. Fully. I’m not burnt out on painting anymore so that’s going to get done. I’m not worried about not being here in a month, so I have no reason to hold back on my efforts.

I’m here. In Orlando. And I’m here to stay. At least for now.

And with that I’m off to actually do my to-do list rather than procrastinating all day like I did yesterday.

 

shameless

Daily Post 147: One Week Later

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Last Monday was a rough day. I didn’t want to go out, but I did. I don’t remember a whole lot from it since it’s so far in the past now. I made myself get up and go to the dojo. It was a rough workout where I still had tears from taking off mom’s necklace. I cried in my car afterwards because a lot of the emotions were close to the surface.

 

I had my list of things I wanted to do but when I got home I opted for resting instead. I was tired from jujitsu and pretty low energy from surviving Thanksgiving, plus I had a dinner date with Nicole, Desiree, and Mark that I needed to be able to live through. I wasn’t all that worried about actually doing “things”. The longer I stayed in bed though the more I thought about how I would really rather at least try to do something.

So I tired. I got up and went back out. Go me. I went to the post office, checked my mail, and closed out my PO box since everything seems to have switched over to my new address.

I took an assessment of my energy levels and decided I was still ok to go to Publix for a few things. I was really close to being tapped out afterward. I thought about just going home and resting until dinner. I had given myself the task of going to Verizon and looking into the phone bill, though. That needed to happen sooner rather than later, so I resolved myself to actually going with the promise that if I wasn’t up for dinner after taking  care of that task I wouldn’t make myself go. I would rain check it. I needed to be a responsible adult, though, and this was  one of the things I had been avoiding for way too long. I was already out, might as well go do it rather than saving the suffering for later.

Well… the phone adventure was amazing. I got one of the nicest receptionists I’ve ever met. Through our interaction, I told her the whole story about Zane and why I wanted him off the plan.

At the moment we’re waiting for him to accept liability of the phone. If he chooses not to do that then we’re going to escalate my case up the chain to see about  having him forcefully removed. But… basically, Zane is being removed from my plan so I no longer have to worry about him or his phone. In the process of doing all of this, I happened to go in on Cyber Monday, which meant super awesome deals that I didn’t really know or care about because I wasn’t interested in a new phone.

Well… they had a promotion where if you turned in certain phones you got full retail value for the turn in. My old phone was on the list, so instead of having to stay with the iPhone 6s Zane “bought” for me and having to keep paying it off. I could pay off $300 of the phone, which still had $600 left to be paid, turn in it for $650 credit to my account, and get an iPhone 7 instead, a phone which I would only have to pay .50 cents for per month for since the turn in credit was so high.

All of that while still lowering my bill from $200 a month to $70

Um… yes.

That.

All of that.

Please.

So I am now the new owner of an iPhone 7. I super love it. Like, legit, this is one of the best phones I’ve ever had. Super, uber happy with how the situation worked out.

Thank you, Universe. I love you, too.

The phone ended up taking longer than I thought it would, but I felt fantastic for having taken care of it, and for the situation turning out in such a positive way. I went to dinner afterward, which I wasn’t too late for. We met at a sushi bar then went to a pool hall where we played a few games of darts and had some drinks since we were celebrating Nicole’s birthday.

I won one match. Mark won the other. Nicole and I stuck around for a little while after Mark and Desiree left. I came home and went to sleep almost instantly because I was tired. The day turned out so much better than I had thought it would. I’m glad for it.

 
I don’t remember much about Tuesday and Wednesday… I know I went to the dojo those days, but I can’t remember much else. I want to say something important happened Tuesday, but since I can’t remember it, it must not have been all that important after all.

If I do remember later I might make a separate post but for now there are four other days I do remember that need to be processed through.

Thursday I didn’t go to the dojo. I didn’t wake up early enough for the 6am class, and I had plans to see Big Bad in the evening, so I pretty much had to resign myself to not getting that in for the day. Sad face.

I had therapy at 4pm which was the first time I had seen Andra in about a month. It was good to talk to her again. I told her about doing the writing homework and how I had asked mom for advice. I talked about unpacking her china. I talked  about losing the 20 pounds and doing jujitsu. It was a good session and I’m glad I went. I told her I was scared of my birthday. Those feelings aren’t resolved yet.

I have another session scheduled for before I leave to go to Vegas. Which that’s surprisingly soon. It’s already the 5th. 15 days until my birthday.

After therapy, I went to David’s Bridal so I could finally look into figuring out my bride’s maid dress. They had the size I wanted to try on, which is what the whole issue had been when I was in Texas. They had something too big, and too small, and I wasn’t about to drop $200 on a dress that I hadn’t tried on.

So they had the size I wanted to try. Cool. Tried it on… It’s too big now since I’ve lost 20 pounds… I mean. That’s super cool, and super annoying at the same time.

I tried the size that had originally been too small and it fit. Sort of loosely actually, so I asked what would happen if I kept losing weight and the dress didn’t fit when it came in. They said they could alter the size up to three sizes, so at least there’s that.

I got to gush about my dojo with the woman who was assisting me. She wrote down the website for the dojo and everything while we were talking and said she was super excited about checking it out. I’m hoping I see her there tonight since I said Monday would be the best time for her to come.

So, yeah… that was a huge thing off my to-do list. Got the dress ordered and everything, so now I’m just waiting for it to come in. I even sent Allison a picture of me outside the store so she knew I had actually, legit, gone and taken care of it.

I had just enough time to run home, eat, shower, change, and dash back out to Big Bad’s place.

My night with  him was… different. Nice. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain because it’s about soft, squishy, emotional stuff.

I was running late. We  have a running joke we’re he talks about “punishing” me.  I egg it on because it’s cute. So he made a joke about how I was going to get  spanked because I was running late. This was after all of the  emotional stress from Thanksgiving, my therapy session, the dress adventure and rush hour traffic home… I really just wanted a hug and five minutes of hiding, maybe some overwhelmed tears while I let go of all of the stress that is really self-inflicted.

I replied back to his message  asking if we could  cuddle for a few minutes when I got to him since I hadn’t had a chance to really regroup yet.

He said yes. So when I got there we went back to his room and cuddled. We were quiet for a while. I like that about us. How we can just be together and that’s enough. There doesn’t  have to be words all the time.

Eventually, we did start talking. I don’t remember how, or about what, but we ended up on topics like Jon’s email to  me where he said  he thought I was a failure. I talked about how there’s been a lot more than just mom’s death for me to work through the past eight months. I even talk about  Zane a little.

It was the first  time I’ve really opened up.  I always worry about bringing other people down or talking about things they don’t want to hear about. I don’t want people to feel bad just because a lot of my recent stories are sort of shitty or sad stories. It felt… right… to talk.  My head was on his chest, his arm was wrapped around me. It felt safe.

I feel like we’re  closer for it. We both agreed we wanted to see each other over the weekend and made tentative plans to do so.

 

Friday was a low energy day. Mostly from lack of sleep. I didn’t do a lot Friday and I’m ok with that.

 
Saturday I went for a run at a new YMCA. The one I normally go to is going to be closed for a year so they can remodel / rebuild it. That’s cool and all, but it seriously throws off what I want to do.

Well… there’s another YMCA about six miles from me. I can take the bike trail to get to it. With all of the stuff I’m doing at the dojo the only thing I really want to use the Y for are the treadmills so I can pace myself when I run.

So queue up Saturday where I go to this new YMCA and find out my membership has been canceled…

Excuse me…? What?…

Yeah… so we’re getting that figured out. I was supposed to go back Sunday but was too sore to do it. I’ll get to that in a second. The receptionist still let me work out, and it was a pretty decent run. I was happy with how it felt like a warm up rather than, “oh god I’m dying.”

My plan is to keep doing my intense workouts during the week and use Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to recover by doing light running and such.

I finished putting my blog printouts into page protectors. So far I have everything up until August. Not sure if I mentioned that… maybe that’s what the important Tuesday event was that I forgot about. I printed out my “Book of Survival.” Every post I’ve made since March 23rd has been printed out and put into page protectors which are now in binders. It’s my year of survival. I’ve wanted to do this since I got back from my walkabout. I’m glad I finally did it.

It took a few days to get all of the papers into the protectors. I wrote way more than I thought I did. Some of my posts were 13 pages long, too…

Big Bad and I had talked earlier in the morning and agreed to meet up before I  went to a social function in the evening, so after the gym I went home, showered, the headed back to his place for a few hours. That was a lot of fun with more talking in the beginning. We played some Soul Caliber matches and I actually ended up winning most of the games. Muahahahaha!

We ended up making plans for me to come back over once my social event was done. I hadn’t expected him to want to spend more time with me, so the fluttery, girly feeling of being asked to come back was pleasant.

I went to  my monthly  cards night with Frank and his group. It was super fun. We ordered pizza. Frank had just built a fire pit in his backyard, so we had a fire and s’mores after eating. I guess there was a new expansion for Cards Against Humanity, so all of our stuff was new.

It was a good time and I’m so incredibly glad I went.

When I was done I went back to Big Bad’s and stayed the night. We wrestled a lot so I’m covered in bruises. I got to finally show him the things I’ve learned in jujitsu so far. It didn’t help me much… he still won. It started to get frustrating because he kept choking me out with my own arm…

I mean, seriously? How do you even do that?

He showed me a few photo albums he had found of when he was in the army. I guess he had been digging around trying to find his Chrismas lights when he stumbled upon them. I opened up a lot more about mom. One of the things I remember saying was that I still hurt, a lot, and that I still give myself shit for crying so I try not to do it. I said that’s why I liked boxing so much, and now going to the dojo, because after I leave I sit in my car and cry because it pulls the emotions to the surface and forces me to deal with them. It leaves me feeling clean and more stable.

It was a really good night and I actually slept well. It was nice to be held.

Sunday was a slow day. I was sore from wrestling with Big Bad. A good sore, but needing some recovery time didn’t leave me with much energy for all of the chores I had wanted to do. We spent a fair part of the morning talking. I shared more of my own stories like the PTSD I feel while flying. I told him a bit about Jason since I had been  talking about Jon mostly. It was nice.

By the time I left it was time for me to meet Nicole for lunch. That was fun and we spent about three hours together. There was a really positive development in her life and I’m happy for her.

I took a three-hour nap when I got home. No regrets. When I got up I vacuumed, cleaned my room, and started laundry. I even started cooking but wasn’t able to finish it because the broccoli I had bought had gone bad already. Glad I noticed before cook or eating it, but it was still lame to not be able to get that particular chore done.

Warren took the trash out for me with me asking. Hooray. We ended up going out so Warren could get some dinner. I went along for the ride to try to get a coffee drink from Starbucks, but they had closed fifteen minutes before we got there because they’re bastards.

Warren was kind enough to drive down to a Dairy Queen so I could get a small blizzard. I needed chocolate in my life last night.

When we came home we watched the last episode of Westworld. Pretty happy with the way it ended. It was a nice conclusion to everything. I switched the wash then went to sleep.

So now we’re here. I haven’t made hardcore plans for the coming week, but my goal is to make serious progress on my rig projects. I need to not be a slacker in that regard or I’ll miss this potential opportunity.

Daily Post 143: Sunday, Monday, and Belly Dancing

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Sunday I woke up early. 7am.

I got up, determined to finally, seriously, go for a run. I had breakfast, drank my coffee, got dressed, then realized as soon as I stepped out my door that it was 50 degrees outside and that I live in Orlando  and in no way was it ok for it to be that cold. That’s not taking  into account the added wind chill… Cold. So cold. And did I mention the, “not ok” part?

I’m happy to report I didn’t back down from the challenge, though. I put on long sleeves, drove to one of the bike trails and ran, reminding myself that it’s not going to be any warmer in February when I run my race so I might as well suck it up now and get used to it.

It wasn’t my best run by any stretch of the imagination. But any run is better than no run, and I was actually surprised my time was as good as it was. I could tell my hamstrings were tight and my quads were still angry from the jujitsu class but there wasn’t any hint of shin splint pain. And I’m pretty confident that the tightness in my hamstrings won’t be as bad the more I run and stretch them back out. My later intervals, once I was finally able to get warm, were actually really nice so I do think it’s more just working the rust out of some spots.

Once my run was done I came back home and started tackling the weekend chores. I got a bunch done, but mainly I was waiting for Warren to get up so we could do the grocery shopping.

We had lunch at a Chinese buffet. We had tried going there the morning we picked my bike up but they weren’t open at 10am. Since our first attempt had been a bust we decided to give it another shot, which was successful.

It was an alright experience but I’ve noticed that I don’t eat much at places like that anymore. Just not a whole lot I’m interested in and I usually feel like I can make better-tasting things at home.The conversation was light and pleasant, and we weren’t too far away from the oriental market I wanted to go to, so overall it wasn’t bad.

We ended up going to three different stores: the oriental market, a fresh produce store, and then Publix. By the time we were done and back home I was running on fumes. It was nice to be in the kitchen on my own prepping the food and decompressing from being out and about so much. I needed the recharge since  I was supposed to meet Nicole for dinner.

It was fantastic to see her again. We had so much to catch up on since we haven’t seen each other in roughly three weeks. We parted ways around 9pm with plans to hang out again the following Monday since that’s when she will be celebrating her birthday.

I guess I really need to add birthday and Christmas present shopping to my list. I haven’t even begun to think about Christmas. I really don’t want to right now because I’m sure that will be all sorts of emotional hardship to work through so I’m going to keep typing away about everything else instead because procrastination is a thing. : D

I went to sleep pretty much right when I got home from dinner.

I woke up this morning at 7am again. I allowed myself to have a slow, lazy morning. I cooked eggs with spinach, mushroom, and onion mixed into them instead of doing the egg half sandwich I’ve been doing. I got a container of peach mango salsa at the store yesterday and it actually went amazingly well with everything.

I boiled eggs to mix into the tuna I planned to make later. I finished doing the laundry. I cleaned up the few dishes that were dirty… Not really a whole lot else happened until around 11:30am, which is when I got ready for my jujitsu class.

After how busy I felt things had been the previous day, and with how busy they were going to continue to be throughout the day, I didn’t feel bad about having a slack morning. It was actually really nice having my coffee in the empty living room listening to silence.

Jujitsu was fun. I met another instructor today. I learned the entry point for the back hook. I learned another choke, too. This class wasn’t as intense as the first one. Another thing I was ok with since I’m still sore. Pretty sure I already mentioned the soreness, but I also feel I need to mention it again because holy crap I haven’t been this sore since my first aikido class.

Totally non-related segway into a completely different topic…

Something that’s been itching in the back of my mind is belly dancing. I guess I didn’t get my ass kicked enough at the dojo today or maybe I need to be reminded on what the word “recovery” really means, since “doing an Internet search to find out when I can do more physically demanding things” seems to mean “recovery” to my brain.

Anyway, ever since I’ve moved to Orlando I’ve had to drive past a belly dancing studio on my way to the campus. I always thought it would be interesting to check it out. You know. See what it’s all about. Maybe have some fun with it.

While I was going to school I felt like I never had the time to go.  Then I was employed and with a constantly fluxing schedule I never got around to it, or other things had my attention, or I didn’t have  the financial means.

Now, I have both the time and the means to look into it, so I’m looking into it.

I looked up the times for beginner classes and decided I was going to go try it out. Now. Tonight. Today. Now or never sort of thing.

With that set in my mind, I went and had dinner with my brother. I got to meet his friend / boyfriend. I’m not really 100% sure what their relationship status is but he seems like a really nice person. We had great conversation while we ate and then played an extremely interesting Commander game for Magic the Gathering. Jon’s partner won the match, but I did pretty well and was happy that it was a fairly competitive match for all three of us rather than it feeling one-sided.

After dinner I went home, changed, then went to the belly dance class.

It was amazingly fun. There was only one other student there tonight. I guess with it being the holiday week most people are out of town. The dojo has been pretty empty as well. I don’t mind, though. It’s allowing me to figure out myself in the environments without the added pressure of a billion people who already know what they’re doing.

Going to the belly dancing class means I missed out on Muay Thai tonight, but I’m thinking I sort of like this arrangement. The beginner belly dance classes are Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. So I can alternate Muay Thai and belly dancing in the evenings which will give me enough of a difference that I won’t get bored with anything. At least, in theory, it seems like it will work.

In theory, I’m also apparently Wonder Woman and need no rest days… So… yeah… As nice as all of this seems like it will be inside of my head I’m not 100% sure if it will be within my range at the moment. I might end up doubling up jujitsu and muay thai and doing the belly dancing on its own as a recovery day. Not sure yet. I have options, though, so I’ll adjust as I need to.

I was supposed to see Big Bad tonight but we decided to rain check it instead. While I do want to see him I’m sort of glad we both agreed on canceling our plans. It was already sort of late so we wouldn’t have gotten much time together since he has to wake up for work. I want to go to a jujitsu class at 6am, which means I’m looking at being up around 5am because coffee…

Since it’s the holiday week he has a lot of social obligations, but we’re going to try to meet over the weekend at the park again.

I’ve made the  most of the  extra time I gained tonight. I been able to work through all of my daily chores, install Maya 2015 on my computer once again, and battle plan out  my day for tomorrow so I know what I want to get done and how to do it efficiently.

I’m also getting a chance to write my blog which is always nice and lets me have closure to my day.

I might write a prompt post depending on how involved it is. I also want to brush Scarlet a bit before tossing in the towel for today. But overall, I’m happy and content. Tomorrow is going to be busy. It’s also going to start early.

I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 126: Surprisingly Good

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Today turned into a surprisingly good day.

 

I was supposed to meet with my younger brother, an event I was actually having hardcore anxiety over. Those plans ended up falling through…

 

Canceled plans = introvert’s wet dream

 

I didn’t go to class yesterday due to the day being a “hard” day. I still have them. It’s still under the four-month mark. I’m allowed to have them, “hard” days, and I know no one has told me otherwise. I’m more typing that as affirmation for myself.

 

But yeah, yesterday was really hard and lame, and when I actually got around to taking a shower at 4pm in the afternoon that simple action alone hurt so much that I ended up crying through most of it. I didn’t eat until close to 7pm because going out into the world to find food seemed overwhelming. The thought I kept having was all of it was pointless.  Mom isn’t here anymore so why do it? Why shower? Why eat? She won’t be here for her birthday. How can I do anything when I don’t know how I’m going to make it past Thursday?

 

I did shower though, even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while. I did go out and spent time with Randy and Em, which helped. I hepled to paint a little which gave my brain something to do. I got to spend some time with Scarlet and got cat cuddles into my day. I talked to Mother Earth and Josh which  continued to help, and by the end of the night the overwhelming depression I was feeling had eased over and morphed back into the sad acceptance I have learned to breathe through. I wasn’t “happy” but I knew I could keep going. I’m still loved and supported and mom is still with me, just in a different way.

 

Even though I missed class yesterday I was able to catch back up easily today. Today’s class started touching on procedures I did while helping to care for mom in the hospital. It was different enough that I didn’t fully flash back to those situations, but similar enough that I had to confront some of the emotions. Inside my head I kept saying, “You aren’t mom. You are Maria. You are my classmate. You ARE NOT mom.”

 

Saying those words while I did the procedures helped me keep the emotions in check.

 

I got a lot figured out with the phone plan and the apartment. I don’t want to say anything further on the topics, but I’m hoping for everything to be resolved by the weekend.

 

I got to have conversations with some really amazing people in my life, all of who said they were proud of me and happy with the way things were turning out. Jason, Mother Earth, Warren #1, Chrys, Em, Sir.

 

I got to tell Jason about Jon’s email to me. I found out more information about mom’s estate and what’s going on with that. Everything should be finalized within the next two months.

 

I went to the gym and ran, which I haven’t done since getting back from Vegas last Monday. I did pretty well, though I had to cut it short since I got to the gym  pretty late. I got some upper body work in. Overall it was a light workout, but I’m happy with it. I could have just stayed in my room and not gone at all.

 

I got to make plans for tomorrow. The 28th. Mom’s birthday. I had imagined tomorrow would be hard. And I’m sure in some ways it will be still, but there are enough things to make it positive that I think I’ll be ok.

 

In class we’re going to be covering how to dress a patient and how to change an occupied bed. Both of those things were things I did with mom. Both of those things are important actions for me. To be honest, they are the procedures I’ve been worried about, fearing, the most. I know those actions are going to be hard for me to perform. It’s going to be the first time doing them since being at the hospital. It actually means a lot that I’ll be demonstrating those skills on mom’s birthday. Maybe it will be cathartic for me. That’s what I’m hoping for at least.

 

I want to do those things as a way to honor mom. As a way to show her that I’m still moving forward. That I’m trying to come to terms with her loss. That I’m still trying to help people. That I’m not letting my sadness control me and limit the things I’m able to do. I think that would make her happy. I think that’s the best birthday present I could give her.

 

I’m not going to stay at home tomorrow. I’m not going to skip class. I’m going to go. I’m going to confront whatever emotions I feel. My classmates and instructor know about my situation and I know they will be supportive and help me through it. And I know even if I cry during my turn that no one is going to judge me. They’ll let me cry, or walk away, or do whatever I need to do, and when I’m ready they’ll let me try again. They’ll let me try until I get through it, and that means a lot to me.

 

After class I have plans with Em. We’re going to go spend the day at the cold springs, something we’ve talked about doing for at least a month now. It’s her day off so we have no time limit. We’re going to stop and do lunch on the way there. We’ll most likely catch Pokemon while we walk the trails around the springs. We’ll be out in nature instead of inside. I won’t be alone in my room with only my thoughts to tear me to pieces. I’ll be around someone who will listen to me if I need to talk. Hug me if I cry. And laugh with me after the sadness passes.

 

I had thought today would be awful. I had thought tomorrow would be one of the hardest days for me to get through since mom died. I think the Universe, Mom, is helping me, and I’m grateful for it. I had thought I was going to get taken under by a giant wave of total bat-shit insane nonsense that is my life. But a lot of things are working out. A lot of things are starting to make sense. I’m starting to see the dots and how to connect them so things work out in a way that benefits me and those I care about.

 

Yesterday my grief was loneliness, confusion, hurt, and an almost unbearable feeling of weight.

 

Today my grief is gratefulness, sadness, relief, acceptance, and determination.

 

I’m a warrior. I will win. It will be hard. It will be worth it.

 

I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow, mom. I’ll make you proud. I’ll get through it. I’ll wake up and shower and go to kickboxing and have breakfast and go to class. And afterward, after I fight what will be one of the hardest battles emotionally that I’ve had to fight since losing you, I’m going to go enjoy the day like how you would want me to, by doing something that will make me happy.

 

I love you, mom. Thank you for looking out for me.

 

Daily Post 119: A Truce for Now

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Today has started. I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Not productive. Not energetic. I’m awake and I feel like that should count towards something.

 

After writing last night I slept roughly 12 hours. I woke up a handful of times but wasn’t conscious for very long. It was night. It was dark. There was no reason to be awake even though I had gone to sleep so early. I allowed myself to slip back into sleep. I didn’t give myself crap for sleeping. I embraced it, willed it, and enjoyed the thought of not worrying about anything. Whatever there was could wait. Would wait. This was what I wanted to do.

 

And now I’m awake. Not really early, but before noon. Extra points for that one maybe?

 

There’s not much to do today and so I’m left sort of trying to figure out what I want to do with myself.

 

I’ve done the dishes already. The plastic-ware really. Since I’m in the extended stay I got plastic containers to keep food in along with plastic silverware. I enjoy doing dishes by hand, so I’m not put off by not having a dishwasher. It’s been a little hard to care over the past week, though. The plastic-ware sat in the sink since I don’t remember when. Most likely about a week.

 

Each time I passed by the sink I would think I should clean them. And I wouldn’t. Why should I? There was this layer of apathy over everything. The clothes haven’t been put away yet. An empty water bottle has sat on my nightstand for days.

 

I don’t think anything has really changed inside of the landscape of my mind. I am still batting around the thought of, “It is not my place to feel ashamed.”

 

I feel like a cat and the thought is a little plastic ball with a bell inside. The thought keeps my attention as I pass it back and forth between my paws, my attention laser focused but not really sure what to do.

 

I got out of bed. I did what I needed to do in Dragonvale, a game I started a month or so before mom’s hospitalization. I’ve kept playing it, maybe not as hardcore as I did in the beginning, but it’s been something my brain can poke at. A distraction at times. So yeah, I cleared out all of my coins, grew new food, and hatched all of my eggs. I got another Jet dragon. It would be nice to get a fourth so I have even numbers still. Three is just so weird. All odd numbers are weird… except five. Five is ok in my book.

 

I charged my laptop since it had died during the night. I washed the dishes so I could have a clean cup for my coffee. I’m currently sipping at it as I type. At the moment I am boiling eggs so I can make tuna.

 

I’m happy with what I’ve been able to do so far today, but it’s still before noon and I know I really aught to do more with my time. With myself.

 

I guess this is as good a place as any to figure it out. I feel low energy today. So what are low energy things I can do?

 

I want to do yoga at the gym today. I want to do one of the routines that I don’t currently have on my phone so I’ll need to transfer it. I want to do a morning routine, a wake up routine. Something soft and gentle. I think I would like to go running after that. Last time I ran I shaved a minute off my run time. It’s the first time that I’ve “improved” since before mom died. I’ve been so sporadic with going to the gym and what I actually do while I’m there that I was surprised I had only slipped back to my 20 minute pace. The best I’ve ever done was 14 minutes I think. Maybe only 15, but still, the point is I know I can do better. I have done better.

 

There’s a part of me that wants to disregard my 19 minute pace. But I’m not going to. Yeah. I have done better in the past. But you know what, I’m not in the past. I’m here, and here I was doing 20 minute miles and last time I did a 19. I’m not going to turn a blind eye to improvement, even if it is small. We all start somewhere and sometimes we have to start over. It was the first “good” run I felt like I’ve done since mom died. It was good to feel sore and like I pushed myself. It was good to see that effort reflected in my time.

 

So yeah… some gentle yoga to warm up, then a run. Maybe I’ll sit in the sauna as a reward before showering and getting lunch at my sports bar. I want to put the clothes away finally. I need to call the bank I had my old car loan through. I need the address to send the promissory note.

 

I also told Sir and Em I would come over tonight / today. Maybe that could be around dinner time. Maybe I could con them into watching last weeks Game of Thrones episode since I still haven’t seen it. It will be nice to cuddle with Scarlet since I haven’t spent much time with her. I miss my cat cuddles.

 

I feel like I’m sitting today. Not standing, not running, not fighting, not falling to the ground, bloodied and beaten.

 

I feel clean, washed and bandaged. I feel tired, but not heavy. More of a soul weary type of tired. I feel as if I’m under a tree, the sun filtering down through the leaves, warm against my skin. I feel like I’m recovering, observing. I don’t want to move much. I don’t want to do much. I want to sit and enjoy what I can from where I’m at. I’m content to not be out in the field running, playing. I’m content to sit quietly on my own and ponder over things. I’m content with getting lost in my head as I gaze out over the things around me and being left relatively alone, undisturbed. No obligations. No requirements. Just peace.

 

I don’t know. Maybe that’s where I’m at. Content. Though, even as I type that I know the  word doesn’t feel right inside of my head. There’s a happiness to that word which I don’t feel. Maybe accord is better. A truce inside of my head. There’s no war. No fighting. There’s stillness.

 

I’m sure the confliction will return. I know there are still hard days in my future. But today… today it is sunny outside. Today is another day of summer. Today I might not do much, but I will do and right now that’s enough for me. I will enjoy my day of accord and continue to take things one day at a time.

Daily Post 118: Finding Myself

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I’m at work early because I’m supposed to do grading but I have the urge to write so I’m going to do that first.

 

It’s nice to feel like this. To have the urge to actually type things out and to process through things. It’s nice to not feel a pain inside my chest at the thought of figuring things out. I think a lot of that has to do with my therapy session yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with recent events and how I’m starting to find things to look forward to. It’s not just a day to day existence anymore.

 

I may not have life goals yet. I haven’t gotten that far in my recovery, but I find myself genuinely smiling at the thought of the future. Things seem to be going well, and even though mom isn’t here to enjoy the forward progress with me, I know that she would be happy for me. She would smile with me and be glad.

 

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be signed off the lease for the apartment. That will be the last massive, ginormous step I have to take as far as the personal side of my life goes. It’s the last step that really requires other people. Past that it will be making sure Zane’s cool with me switching the phone plan over into his name so I can ditch Verizon for MetroPCS again.

 

I’m nervous about it. I don’t think he’s going to be a jerk tomorrow. I think he’s going to be overly sweet and try to get me to hang out. He’s going to try for the “friends” thing, and while I normally do try to maintain a friendship with my exs, this is one instance where I would rather move on. I’m not going to want to hang out. I’m not going to want to chitchat and let him know what’s been going on in my life. I didn’t invite him to my super awesome laser tag going away party for a reason. I want to finalize what I need to and be done with it.

 

I booked a room at an extended stay for the next 28 days. I check in at 3pm today. There’s a mini kitchen and a full sized fridge. I haven’t been there but the pictures look nice. There’s a bed. I seriously cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to having a bed to sleep on. I’m hoping the window lets in a nice amount of light. I’m thinking about taking my computer out of storage and setting it up in the room, space permitting. I’ve already chatted with a few friends. They’re going to let me borrow some of their extra kitchen stuff so I don’t have to go out and buy much of anything. That will be nice. I plan to return it before I leave for Vegas.

 

I want to make stuffed tomatoes for dinner tomorrow. With everything going on today I doubt I’ll be up for cooking or doing much by the time I’m actually able to spend any amount of time at the room.

 

I want to go to the gym after checking in. I need to run by Best Buy first though. The other day I bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones. With all of the kickboxing things I’ve been doing, having wired headphones gets annoying. The wire gets flung into my face or fucks with the motion of my punches. It’s distracting and throws off my groove. So I thought I would give Bluetooth a try.

 

The ones I have are alright… They stay on fine… But they feel sort of weird, and they’re not noise canceling so the sound is different. More airy. And that in itself is distracting. My brain keeps focusing on how it “doesn’t sound right,” even though it’s fine.

 

$100 is a lot to spend to only be “aright” with something. I want to see if any of the other styles / brands work better for me. So yeah, if I get to the gym today Best Buy will most likely happen first.

 

I need to go grocery shopping since I don’t have any coffee creamer. I used the last of it this morning. I’m looking forward to having my morning routine back. Cooking eggs and sitting with my coffee at the table pondering over my day and how to map things out so I’m most efficient. It’s going to be the weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll go to the storage unit and pull out things like my water filter, the computer, maybe go through my clothes again and pull out a few of my nicer tops since V and I want to meet again.

 

I think my date, because that’s what I’m going to call it, went really well the other night. I enjoyed myself. I laughed. I cried. I felt nervous. I felt acceptance. I was asked about the last time I had sex and was able to tell someone that story and begin letting go of those emotions.

 

I explained how I had felt really alone one of the mornings I had to take Zane to work. How we had cuddled in bed for a little bit. Things turned sexual and it was fine until the end.

 

I don’t know what it’s like for other people, but sometimes, when it’s over, I feel empty. Like… my partner has taken something from me, some energy, but hasn’t replaced it with anything else. Nothing has been given back. There wasn’t an exchange or a connection. It leaves me feeling cold, and… well… empty. Something is missing. I don’t feel connected and blissful, and warm, even if I am able to orgasm. There’s something about the interaction that is unfulfilling on an extremely deep and emotional level and it usually leaves me feeling alienated and alone.

 

That’s what it was like after Zane and I had sex the last time. The loneliness I had already been feeling intensified and it took a lot to hold it together. He knew that I wasn’t ok and asked what was wrong. I answered saying that it had felt good, but that I didn’t feel connected to him, I felt used, and I didn’t understand why and that I was sorry for feeling the way I did. Maybe it was just my grief messing up the experiences.

 

His reply was that he had been horny and “basically just needed a cumrag.” He said he knew I had wanted attention and that he took advantage of that.

 

I had been willing to try for friendship even with all of the shit that went down while mom was in the hospital and after her death. I was willing to let go of the betrayal of having another girl in what was supposed to be “our” bed, and accepting the fact that the sheets most likely weren’t washed when we tried cuddling the Saturday night that I got back to Orlando.

 

I was willing to let go of a lot of things because he “wanted to be friends”.

 

My friends don’t treat me like that. That wasn’t friendship. Taking advantage of my need for human interaction and closeness isn’t loving or caring. It’s manipulative. It’s fucked up, and I’m done with it. Point blank, end of story, I’m done.

 

I got to tell V about that experience and how it had made me feel. He didn’t say much about it. He let me cry. He hugged me while I did. He didn’t try to make it better because it’s not like anyone can go back and undo the past.

 

I’m still moving to Vegas. I’m still going to focus on myself. None of my plans have changed, but I’m grateful to V for making me feel like a human. For making me feel like I’m worth respect.

 

So there’s that. It was good to work through those emotions. It makes me feel like Zane doesn’t have power over me. The only way he can make me feel bad is if I let him. He isn’t going to change and I’m tired of being hurt. So it’s done. And as soon as the lease is taken care of I know I’ll feel that much freer from him, with the final cut being the phone plan.

 

Therapy was a lot of about my younger brother. He’s trying to come to Full Sail. Since I’m an alumnus and a staff member (for the moment at least) I can nominate him for a scholarship worth up to $40k. I’m looking into that. Currently waiting on an email from his admissions representative so we can see what needs to happen since Jon is currently over in Germany.

 

I feel stronger today than I have in a while. Still sort of tired and low energy. But strong. Stable. Solid.

 

In therapy the conversation turned to how I am doing so much better than when I first started my sessions. I said that it feels like I’m finding myself again, and for some reason that statement hurt and I started crying. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down my face and I didn’t know why. The statement hurt, but finding myself should be a good thing, right? So why was I crying?

 

I said that moving forward moves me further away from mom’s physical form. To me, the more “ok” I am, the further away from the moment of her death I become. The knee-jerk jump in my thoughts is, the further away I am from that moment, the further away I am from her.

 

I know that’s not true. The further away from that moment I become, the closer to her spiritual presence I become. Our relationship isn’t over, it’s just different. But there is some part of me, some section of my brain that cries out in anguish whenever I think about moving forward. I think about every new accomplishment I want to achieve. Belt testing for taekwondo. Becoming a CNA. Running another Warrior Dash.

 

I think of all of these things and what it would be like to accomplish them and part of me screams in pain because those thoughts are almost instantly followed with the thought of “Mom won’t be there.”

 

That thought feels like having something punched through my chest. It’s not a cut. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s a gaping hole of agony and normally the only thing I can do is vocalize that pain. I scream as loud as I can in my car. I cry. I grip the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt because there’s nothing for me to tear apart or punch or thrash. I scream over and over and over until the pain is finally bearable and my voice is so raw I can’t talk. I scream until it’s finally something I can simply cry over, and then I cry and whimper and sound like a beaten animal because that’s what I feel like. And then… eventually… I’m quiet and exhausted and spent and there’s a stillness inside me. A peace. An acceptance. And normally I go home and sleep. I have nothing left in me to give to anything else after those moments.

 

My mom won’t be there, physically, for any of the achievements in my life. She won’t be there to wrap her arms around me. She won’t be there to do the “I told you so” dance when I do fantastic. She won’t be there to wink at me, or smile, or for her eyes to dance and glitter with happiness for me.

 

Mom will never physically be here ever again.

 

But she’s not gone and I have so many instances to prove that. The one that comes to mind the strongest is the night I slept curled around her urn. I know she was there. I know she was holding me, and even now I can feel her presence behind me like a slight weight on my shoulders.

 

I know that my knee jerk thought of “Mom isn’t here,” isn’t the thought I truly believe. It’s a reactive thought. And for me, it’s an unhealthy thought.

 

So yeah… that’s where I’m at today. I’m finding myself again. In the landscape of my mind I’ve started for find pieces of myself and I’ve started to put them back where they belong. I’m looking at things and questioning if I want to keep them or not. Change them, maybe?

 

What do I want?

 

I still don’t know, but I’m figuring it out and that gives me some sort of resolve I guess. I’ve started doing it, so I know it can be done. It makes me feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m on my feet again, and knowing that I’m making progress, that my journey isn’t over, makes me feel secure in myself.

 

I’ll make it through this and I’m finally starting to believe those words.

Daily Post 117: Rough Day

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This is going to be a whiny post.
You have been warned.

 

I don’t want to be here. And by here I mean at work. I have grading I need to do. I don’t want to do it. I have water I should be drinking, so it’s sitting next to me feeling neglected.

 

I had the thought on the way to work that when I get back to Vegas I’ll be able to level through my taekwondo belt tests fairly quickly because I’ve been practicing on my own. And that was quickly followed by the thought that mom would be proud of me for being passionate about something. Which in turn was quickly followed by the thought that mom won’t be here to see me pass my tests, or to tell me that I had nothing to worry about when I have my freak out before the tests.

 

Last night was rough. Yesterday was rough.

 

By all accounts yesterday should have been an awesome day.

 

I woke up. I went to the bank and got things situated so I could pay off my credit card completely. I got a check to pay Clavan back. I went to work. I went to the gym where I had a pretty awesome workout. I went grocery shopping when I got home and even went out and picked up Chinese food before going back home to watch more Sword Art Online.

 

But yesterday felt hollow. All of those awesome things I did were just things. And even though I smiled and had happy moments there was this sadness blanketing everything. Damping everything. And as the night wore on it got worse.

 

It’s still here today. This sadness.

 

I played Witcher III for a bit, and that helped, but the reprieve didn’t last long. Trying to go back to sleep didn’t help.

 

The comment of, “It will be better when you wake up,” was an unintended knife in my chest because my thought, the response I bit back because it was unfair, was that it wouldn’t be ok. Mom will still be dead when I wake up.

 

And she was. She wasn’t magically back, and things are still hollow feeling and I’m still sad and alone, and I wish I knew why some days were like this. I wish there was some trigger that I knew about so I could avoid it.

 

But there isn’t.

 

It’s just another day.

 

It’s another day where I have obligations. I have to go to work. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself and shower and interact with people and every interaction depletes an energy bar that can only be felt. I can feel it draining, draining, draining until it takes all of my effort to simply remain silent. This hurt and anger and pain isn’t anyone’s fault, but that doesn’t make it less real, and it doesn’t take away the need to unleash it somehow. And the lower my tolerance gets the more it takes to not unleash it on those around me.

 

Today was another scream day. It helped a little. Maybe more than I think since I’m able to sit here and type this without crying. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to write without doing that. Maybe part of that has to do with how I feel detached from my emotions right now and how I’m not writing to mom. I’m just writing because writing keeps me busy. Too bad I have another 3 and a half hours to consume with pointless, trivial nonsense before I’m left figuring out what to do with the rest of my day.

 

I want silence. Emptiness. Peace. I want to cry and scream until I’m exhausted and to fall asleep without having to take Nyquil to do it.

 

I’ve been pushing too hard at the gym and I know it. My body reminds me everytime I try to do something.

 

Body: Hey, you used those muscles. A lot. And I’m angry at you for that.

 

Thanks, Body. But I don’t know what else to do. I stopped smoking, which is good. I didn’t like doing it. So now I workout instead for the endorphins.

 

Emotional Brain: Feeling bad? Do an awesome workout. See? You feel better. *a few hours later…* Starting for feel bad again? Go for a mile run. You still have enough in you to do that.

 

But that rush, those endorphines… they never last. I start to feel bad again. It might be hours later. It might not be until the next day… but those feelings always come back. There’s no way to escape them. I can only push them back for so long before they overwhelm me, like today on the way to work. How the sadness refused to be pushed aside anymore. How I screamed over and over again as I cried because there was nothing else I could do. There was no way else to let it out.

 

And so now I’m tired, and I wish I could say I’m empty, but I’m not. I know there’s more there. It’s just not the overflow that it was. I feel like I’m limping along today.

 

I don’t want to be here, but I am. I don’t want to feel anything, but I am.

 

I wish I knew what to do other than survive. I wish surviving felt like it was enough, or that it meant something, but right now, today, in this hour, it doesn’t. It feels pointless and in my apathy I’m not sorry for feeling that way. In my virtual page where I’m allowed to spill everything out so I can try to make sense of it all, I’m not sorry for writing that sometimes it feels pointless, because in the wake of mom’s death a lot of things are pointless.

 

The only thing that I want is to hear my mom’s voice again, and I can’t have that. So the only thing I can do is keep breathing through today, through the pain.

 

I wish it didn’t feel like an impossible never end task.

 

I’m sorry today is hard, mom. I’m sorry yesterday was hard, too. I love you. I miss you. I promise I’ll still test for taekwondo even though you won’t physically be there. I promise I’ll wake up tomorrow. I promise to get the grading done today, and I promise that I’ll eat dinner at some point.

 

I know it’s just another day, and I’m sorry I’m having such a hard time with it. Please help me get through it.

Daily Post 115: Still Around

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I’m supposed to be grading. Well… not really supposed to be. It’s something that needs to get done and I’ve been putting it off, and I had told myself I would do it now, but oh look… I’m writing instead.

 

I haven’t been writing a lot. I haven’t really wanted to. Thinking back on my days, a lot of them have been pretty good. Some of them have had their bad moments, sure, but overall I think things are going. “Going well” might be a bit too much positive for me right now, but they’re going.

 

So why this aversion to writing?

 

I don’t know, but even as I sit here in lab and type this out I can feel discomfort in my chest of doing this action. A sadness, an ache, that I can’t place or really identify yet. This might be a short post because of it.

 

I went running last night. The area I’m staying in isn’t the best, but I didn’t care. I ran anyway. I’m not a dainty little blond who looks like an easy target, not that dainty little blonds look like easy targets… No offense meant to anyone who fits that description…

 

If someone tried to jump me my mentality is, “I don’t have to win, but you’re sure as hell going down with me.” I like to think I project that vibe, and I needed to run last night. Legit need, not want. And I’m glad that I did. It’s the first time that I’ve run off of the treadmill in a while so of course I didn’t pace myself well, but I’m happy with my time and I’m happy that I did it. It was the first time in almost a week that I had done anything really physical since I’m pretty sure sitting on the beach doesn’t count.

 

I went to the gym again today where I ran, on the treadmill this time, and did a core workout from Zen Labs. I had a salad afterwards. Nothing special or fancy. Trying to stick to eating well even though I know I’m not eating or drinking often enough. The more I workout the more that issue will fix itself. So again, glad that I made it to the gym.

 

I know I’m not doing as well as I could, and right now I don’t care. I’m doing. And that’s more than I want to on some days. A couple days ago was the first time I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. The type of “I don’t want to move” that stems from depression. I wasn’t sore from working out. I wasn’t tired from not sleeping. I was just sad. And it sucked. And I didn’t want to move.

 

But I did.

 

I’m still going to therapy, and that’s helping.

 

I’m still dealing with Zane and that’s not helping.

 

I don’t feel like there’s really a lot to write about…

 

I’ve started playing Magic Duel on the Xbox. I can see myself getting lost in the game. I feel like I should be asking myself all sorts of super deep questions like “what is my mission statement?” or “what do I want out of life now?” but I’m not. I’m going day to day for the most part. I get tired easily. After a few errands, even ones as simple as checking my PO box, I get exhausted. Which is weird because I’m normally pumped after the gym…

 

You would think the gym would take the most out of me, but it’s one of the few things that makes me feel actually alive. I sweat, I breath, I try, I push, I strain, and in the end I feel better, more real.

 

I guess all of the little things I do through the day feel so pointless because they don’t really do much for me. Why is it so important to check the mail? Why do I have to call people back, or reply to emails? Why do I have to put in time and effort for all of these “things”?

 

I feel like a lot of things are superficial and pointless right now and that makes them draining rather than restoring. The text message conversations with Zane are emotionally draining and leave me with depressing thoughts of “what did I do that was so wrong” which I know are misplaced thoughts. I did nothing wrong and the only thing I can do is accept how the situation unfolded and move forward in a direction that is healthy for me.

 

And I guess that’s how I should look at it. Even if I do get tired, even if I do have bad days, or bad hours, I keep moving a little bit each day. Some days I move forward more than others. I don’t have a destination right now. I honestly think my biggest focus is not falling back down because I feel like the situation with Zane isn’t over yet. I feel like there’s a lot still lingering under a false, fake surface of calm.

 

I’m going to explore getting out of the phone plan with him, and until I’m off the lease for the apartment there’s always going to be that tether. I don’t think I’ll feel completely ok, completely safe emotionally, financially, until all ties are gone. So, in that regard, there are two left.

 

I don’t feel like writing more, so I guess I’ll end it here. I’m doing alright. I’m still around. Still sort of emo but hanging in there.

 

Have an awesome day and take a moment to smile at someone. I know those small, random moments of kindness have helped me make it through the day on more than one occasion.

Daily Post 114: The Daily Post Which Became A Musing Moment

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I’ve been sitting at my computer for a while now. I was finishing an online puzzle that I started during lab today. Lab went alright. It was the first lab of the new term so nothing fancy happened. Not a lot of questions.

 

I told myself that I was only going to organize a few of the puzzle pieces when I sat down to write my blog, so of course thirty minutes later the puzzle is done. It wasn’t very hard. Only a 300 piece one since that’s the biggest size the site I frequent can create.

 

Today has been hard. I got a lot done. I went to school and printed stuff out and researched a few things before going to lab. After lab I went to the storage unit to get an envelope and stamps. I went to the post office to mail something to Jason and to get change of address forms for Sir, Em, and myself. I went to Jo Ann Fabrics to get a custom frame and matt for a project I completed for Clavan forever ago. I filed my taxes and bought cat food since those places were in the same plaza.

 

$160 to be told I owe $38. I almost wish I hadn’t filed. Oh well.

 

I got a summer roll tray from Publix with a sweet tea so I could eat before going to the gym. I got my brows waxed because I’ve been wanting to do something for myself. Something totally unneeded and sort of splurgey. Girly indulging.

 

I went to the gym where I ran and lifted weights. Surprisingly I was able to up the weight I’m lifting on some of the machines. I would have thought it would have been a harder workout, but it was pretty alright. I’m especially happy with my running.

 

I went back home where I was locked out of the apartment in the rain for about 30 minutes. That sort of sucked, but it was my own fault. I didn’t realize I was supposed to take a key with me when I left for work.

 

I had a brief text message conversation with my dad earlier in the day. I wrote a pretty long email to Chrys updating her on life since it’s been a while since I’ve talked to her. Zane messaged me a little as well. He ended up telling me that I need to learn to relax, which isn’t the best thing to say when I’m frustrated. I stopped replying. Maybe that’s childish, but I couldn’t think of anything nice to say so I said nothing.

 

I keep thinking about him. About him and Sara. About how they had unprotected sex and how he didn’t tell me. I keep wondering why I didn’t deserve to be told. I keep wondering what I did that was so wrong, so horrible, that I stopped deserving respect.

 

I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel unworthy. I feel like the people who keep hurting me in my life are my significant others.

 

I hurt today, in general, and maybe that’s why it’s easy to get sucked into these thoughts.

 

I talked to mom tonight. While Sir was on break he replied to my messages about being stuck outside. He told me to come get his key, so I did. It was raining and dark and I was cold and sad feeling already, but I drove to him. He gave me a quick hug before leaving since his break was almost over by the time I got there.

 

I didn’t make it very far, only to the entrance of his work’s parking lot, before I had to put the car in park and cry. Not the quiet crying either. Full on sobbing because I hurt so bad.

 

I told mom how I was sorry that I keep wanting to call her. How I know I can’t, but I find myself with little random pockets of time where I would normally chat with her, keeping her updated on my life. And I can’t anymore. It’s like I don’t have a reason to have a phone any longer. I can’t talk to her so what’s the point.

 

And I know that’s stupid because I had just gotten done using my phone’s GPS to find Sir’s work, but it feels pointless.

 

I told her how much I miss her and that I know she doesn’t want me to be sad. I told her about my day and how I knew she would be happy that I was getting away from Zane since he’s not being a nice person.

 

I talked and cried and I feel silly for crying again as I type this. Today wasn’t bad. It was a little stressful what with going back to work, but it wasn’t bad so I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t know why I feel alone, but I do, and it sucks, and the situation with Zane doesn’t help with the lonely feeling.

 

He wants to be friends and every time I think about that I think about the whole Sara situation. I think about how last Saturday night he said the apartment was my home and how I would always have a place there. I think about how one of the first things I said when I was in the room, while he was hugging me, was how the room didn’t feel like me any more. It felt different and like I didn’t belong.

 

He had already slept with her. I had already been lied to. I guess I just didn’t realize to what extent.

 

He says that he wasn’t replacing me, but it’s hard to feel that way. He started seeing her immediately after I got to Vegas. Maybe that was bad timing. Maybe it is me being sensitive to things, but when you call and say that you feel abandoned and then talk about how you have a movie date with someone new it’s hard to feel valued or that I did anything more than fill a void. I’m no longer there so someone new must be found.

 

It makes me feel cheap. Used.

 

And then to say that I think you are getting more sex than you actually are… That you’ve only had sex three times. That’s three times in three weeks. That’s more than we were having. I feel I have a right to be hurt by that when our main issue was the fact that we couldn’t cuddle much less have sex.

 

We broke up because you said I had made it obvious that I couldn’t have a relationship without sex, and how having sex would be hard to do while I was in Vegas taking care of my mom.

 

I feel like I did prove I could have a relationship without sex, because that’s the relationship we’ve had for almost six months.

 

I don’t understand what I did wrong. You said I didn’t discuss moving to Vegas with you. But you never let me. When I called to talk to you about it the first words out of your mouth weren’t, “Hi,” or “How are you?” or “How is your mom?”

 

Your first words were, “You’re breaking up with me.”

 

I felt defeated before I had even said a word. It made me feel like things were hopeless. And I guess they were. You said you didn’t want to fight to be with me any more.

 

I guess this is me processing through our relationship. I guess now that my survival needs for shelter and food have been secured I can begin moving on to emotional and psychological needs.

 

I want to understand why. I want to understand what I did wrong. And I want better answers than, “because you’re a jerk,” and, “nothing.” I want logic and reasoning and something that I can wrap my brain around and I’m not going to get that tonight.

 

Today wasn’t a bad day. I refuse to use that word. I refuse to allow my brain to think of any day where I get so much accomplished and conquer so many mental obstacles as a bad day.

 

But right now I won’t back down on the fact that it was hard, that it’s still hard. I’m still sad and lonely and all of those other not fun, hurt feelings, and a lot of it has to do with you, which sucks because you don’t deserve the right to make me feel that way.

 

If you can’t take away my sadness, I shouldn’t let you take away my happiness, but does it really count when I wasn’t happy to begin with? Before I started thinking of you and what I could have done differently?

 

And even as I type that I know there was nothing I could have done differently. Mom asked me to be there. The only answer I could have given was yes. This could play out a million times, over and over again, and each time I would unquestionably, unwaveringly say yes. Without a second thought. Without remorse. Without hesitation.

 

My mom needed me, wanted me. There was nothing to discuss. There was only figuring out how to make us continue to work through these changes in my life.

 

I guess we weren’t worth that though. I wasn’t worth that. And the small, injured girl inside of myself who listened to daddy say that he was leaving because he didn’t love mom anymore is still inside of my chest and I don’t know how to make her understand that none of this is her fault. I don’t know how to make her understand that she is worth it. She’s worth respect and love and unconditional acceptance where she isn’t thought of as gross for biking to work and being sweaty from the effort.

 

I don’t know how to make her feel loved right now in the wake of what feels like betrayal.

 

I’m sorry Self. You are so much more amazing than you know. You are worthy of everything you want. You’re worthy of honesty and trust and love and acceptance. You’re worthy of respect.

 

Don’t forget that. You ARE worthy.

 

You’re strong. You’ll make it through this. All of this. All of these obstacles and hardships. Today was a hard day, but you survived. And even if tomorrow is a hard morning, and hard day, and hard night, you’ll keep surviving and one day, not very far away, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much. It might just be a little bit better, but it will be an improvement, and you’ll keep improving, and slowly you’ll learn how to be you through all of these changes. Maybe sometimes you’ll cry, or be angry, or feel hurt again, but each time you do it will be a step in the healing process.

 

I love you little earth dragon, all of you, and things will be ok because I’m not going to stop loving you.

Daily Post 111: Coping

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Mornings are the hardest part of the day it seems. I think that’s because in the morning nothing has started yet. I’m not busy yet. The to-do list hasn’t begun to roll. I’m alone with my thoughts.

 

Everything is heavy in the morning.

 

The past few days I haven’t had any pots or pans for cooking so there’s not breakfast / morning routine. We got rid of all of mom’s things because we thought I would be going back to Orlando. During my trip to LA that changed, though. I’m staying in mom’s apartment, which I’m actually ok with.

 

Today I went out and got a new ceramic pot set since Zane will be keeping the one I just got. I got a knife set finally. I got new dishes from Walmart along with a set of cups. I got a welcome mat for the front door. While I was having dinner at my brother’s house Lio offered to let me have some lamps she was going to get rid of, along with a three-tiered plant holder since she remembered me mentioning wanting to have an herb garden.

 

I’ve rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen three times now, trying to find the flow of things. I bought coat hangers so I’m not living out of my gym bag anymore. Not that I really have much with me. It will be nice to have all of my workout stuff again.

 

I found a dojo that I’m most likely going to be joining. Well… technically it is a dojang, but yeah… it’s a school for taekwondo. I looked for an aikido dojo, but all of the ones I found online were about an hour’s drive from me. Taekwondo isn’t my first choice, but it is an extremely close second.

 

I think this dojang will be what I’m looking for. The grandmaster was extremely nice. I like the fact she’s a girl, and maybe that’s sexist of me, but right now it is appreciated.

 

It’s still hard sometimes, and I know that I haven’t fully allowed myself to grieve. We still don’t have mom back. We haven’t spread her ashes yet. There’s still so many people to talk to, and things to coordinate, and places to go, and stuff to pack, and all of these “things” that need to get done. I haven’t had much time to myself even though I’m in the apartment “alone” most of the time. So much communicating. Sometimes I don’t have it in me and I just let the phone go to voice mail. Whatever it is will still be there later after I’m not burnt out on saying the same things over and over.

 

“Yes, it was sudden for all of us… Thank you for your condolences… No, there’s nothing we need at the moment…”

 

I feel like a broken record sometimes. Most of the time. A side-effect is that I’m sort of numb to the information now. It’s just words. Facts. Logic. They don’t hurt me like they did a week ago. They don’t claw into my chest, dragging out my heart in sliced ribbons. Overly dramatic, but pretty accurate on the pain scale.

 

One of my friends who has also lost his mom said that one positive side, nothing will ever hurt me the way this does, so everything else pretty much just rolls off like water.

 

Jon and I hashed a bit of stuff out. Zane and I did, too. That was most of this morning. Fighting and apologizing. On both sides. It takes two after all. I’m still not going back to live in Orlando. I might be able to get extended leave with work for up to 12 weeks. I’m waiting on the HR person to call me back since we’re playing phone tag.

 

I guess I’m just writing to write at this point. It feels good to sit down and list positive things that have happened. It’s been one week. I’ve gone to the gym three times. I ran a little over a mile today. It’s the first time I’ve run in over a month I’m sure. It burned, but I make it through all of my intervals. Go me.

 

I’m alive. I’m coping. I’m “learning to me” as Mama Spike would say. And I think right now that’s what I need the most. Tomorrow is tentatively a soul search day. I have to figure out who I am now. I’m no longer a teacher. I’m no longer a daughter even though I still have my dad. I only feel mildly guilty for saying he doesn’t count since he hasn’t been a part of my life for so long. I’m no longer a student, at least not as far as earning a second degree goes. I’m not longer a lover to someone since the relationship with Zane is over.

 

My life has changed so much. So who am I now? Who do I want to be?

 

Totally not up for that much brain power right now. Maybe tomorrow. But… for now, it’s shower time and then bed time. There weren’t dreams about spiders last night. Hopefully tonight is another dreamless night.