Daily Post 080: Making a Mess Like Pro

Another day. I woke up tired this morning, sort of headachy, but I’m feeling better and for whatever reason I’m looking forward to the day even though there’s not really anything going on.

I wrote yesterday about halfway through the day. There wasn’t much to say about the morning, and there’s not much to say about the evening either, which means I’m going to write something like five pages because there’s a lot of nothing to report about.

I ended up making the baked ziti. That was a lot of fun actually. Sort of therapeutic. I got to make a mess in the kitchen like a pro instead of doing a super quick and efficient (non-messy) meal. I made homemade marinara sauce which meant there was tomato stuff in a bunch of pots and the blender got used… It got me up and doing stuff. Sort of like baking cookies only probably worse for you with how much cheese was used. I should have used more basil and red pepper flacks, but all in all it wasn’t bad.

Zane came home which resulted in cuddling, talking, and other things.

I’m introspective right now about the difference I feel in myself, my mentality. Maybe I do think of sex and an obligation, an expectation in the relationship. If I didn’t expect it it wouldn’t be a problem. When I’m alone, single, I don’t expect it, and so while physically I still want it, mentally I’m able to handle it better. I don’t have an outlet, at least not in the form of a partner, so the discord of feeling rejected or let down isn’t there to mix with the already not so cool feelings.

But I do have a partner, and so those feelings aren’t supposed to be there, but they are and that’s confusing. It conflicts with what I have felt in the past with my relationships. It goes against the reality of what I expect, and that’s where the problem stems from. I expect him to want it, too. I’m used to my partners having a lower drive than me, but not this much lower. I expect a sort of base line interaction, and that’s not fair of me.

I’m aware of how less “down” I am. I wouldn’t say depressed, but I’m motivated. I feel better. I don’t find myself constantly tripping over the same thoughts. I don’t have the stress from the meeting and the failed bike ride hanging around inside my head.

Looking further into the traits of INFJs, when situations become stressful one of the things we tend to do, and I’m generalizing here so if you’re an INFJ and this isn’t what you do that’s totally ok, is indulge in sensations. Food, music, touch. Anything non-thinking.

We move from Introverted Intuition to Extroverted Sensing. We tend to want to stop the thinking, the processing, the decision making. We want a break from life essentially. Fuck the rules and consequences. We want what we want and we’re going to get it and life can take a back seat and shove off for a while.

Sex is that for me in most regards. I get to lose myself in the sensations, in my partner. The touching, the sharing, the sounds, the warmth and pleasure. It’s very freeing when done “right” because in my head there is a way to do it wrong. It’s not a story with a beginning, middle, and end. Shitty foreplay, mindless sex, orgasm.

Sex is supposed to be an experience, freeform, unplanned. It’s not a routine. It’s an expression.

It’s like any other type of art. One created with another soul.

And I know there are people out there who are reading this like I’m crazy, or thinking I’m one of those “bat-shit insane” chicks that should be avoided. No worries. I don’t go to bars or clubs so unless you’re trying to pick up chicks at the grocery store you’re safe. : D

It’s like when I talk about energy and feelings and vibes from people. It’s cool. I’m used to it at this point.

I haven’t really reached a conclusion to this line of meditation. But I am aware of it. I think I have a better understanding than I did before. I still don’t think I should give myself crap for what I think and feel even though there is still that part of me who feels bad about it. There are people who don’t agree so it’s bad. But it’s not bad, it’s just different, and there are other people who share and understand my mentality.

I need to find balance and understanding within myself because that’s where it matters. Until I find that I think there will be a slight twinge of discord no matter what I do.

Zane and I watched the most recent episode of Arrow last night. It was pretty good. He wanted a break from Pirates of the Caribbean, and I can’t blame him. By the time the one hour episode was over I was so ready to go to sleep. I don’t think I would have made it through a whole movie. I went to the room and slept for a while, but woke up around 1 in the morning.

Zane was still in the living, about to head to bed. I was awake and not likely to go back to sleep any time soon, so we switched places essentially. I stayed on the couch, tossing and turning, staring into the darkness, wishing I was tired enough to not be awake, while Zane went back to the room.

That was pretty much the whole night. Not all that exciting.

I did get to talk to my mom for a bit. She has a job out in Vegas now. Currently she’s at a retirement home, but she has another interview with the hospital. I think she wants that job more. Jace is sick with some sort of cold thing. We talked about my meeting, the bike ride of doom, my Warrior Dash. I got to catch her up on getting the fridge at work. All in all it was a good conversation and I think that is factoring into my better mood as well. It had been going on two weeks since we had talked.

Currently I’m at work. I’ve already eaten, had coffee, taken my vitamin, and showered (hooray!). I don’t have anything work wise that’s all that pressing. Just my lab at 1pm. I have two discussion posts I could work on for school, the final exam for the class as well, and my final project. All with two weeks worth of time to complete. I don’t feel like procrastinating on it, so I’ll most likely finish a majority of that today, or at least try to. Not like I have much else to do other than cross-stitch.

Zane and Hannah are hanging out tomorrow. We’ve talked about it and I’m pretty ok with it now, after all of the talking. It’s her birthday celebration. Originally, when Zane mentioned it the plan was for them to go thrift shopping and then to either sushi or the sports bar for food, once I got home from work we all were supposed to watch a movie or something along those lines. Something quiet and at home since I would most likely not want to go out.

My chest was tight when I heard that, and not because I didn’t want Zane to hang out with her. I actually do.

However… because there’s always something…

The thrift shopping thing had been something mentioned that we all would do together. We all would go looking for stuff for the apartment. And so by having that be their game plan for the day I felt excluded. It’s not like I was choosing to not go with them because I was just being lame and introverted or something. I legitimately can’t go. Work is sort of a thing I can’t worm my way out of. I have to be here, which means I can’t be there.

So that sort of didn’t feel good. It left me with, “What about me?” feelings.

And then the whole lunch thing… I asked Zane if we had “spots”. You know, places that are “ours” and “special”. I have spots with a lot of people. Waffle house will always remind me of Mother Earth and Josh. Moe’s will always be my mom’s spot, no matter who I’m there with. The Thai restaurant I haven’t been to in forever will forever remind me of Jin. Buffalo Wild Wings will be my brother’s domain until the end of time.

There’s memories there that are specifically theirs, and no matter what it will be “their” spot in my world.

Zane and I go most frequently go out to sushi and the sports bar. I think of them, inside my head, as his. The sports bar sort of grudgingly so because originally it was “my” spot, but anywho, I realized this was all inside my head and that he doesn’t intentionally hurt me, so I asked if either of those spots were “special” spots, because if they were I would rather he not take Hannah to them, at least not alone like that.

Since Hannah works at the sushi café we both agreed that it wouldn’t be right to say they can’t go there. Which left the sports bar, which is where I mentioned how it used to be “my” spot and that I sort of missed thinking of it that way.

We came to the agreement that the frozen yogurt place we go to will be “our” spot. With all of that hashed out my brain is more ok with the idea of Hannah going with Zane pretty much anywhere. Not my spot, don’t care. Neither of the spots mentioned are under threat of being taken away because they’re not really claimed, if that makes sense. It does to me so I guess that’s the important thing. There’s no more ickiness surrounding that part of their day. Score.

Back to the thrift shopping thing. And now I’m thinking about Macklemore… Zane said he understood where I was coming from and that thrift shopping hadn’t been his original idea. He said that he would keep it more to “play” shopping rather than “apartment” shopping because he wanted every one to be there for it, too. He said he was sort of surprised when Hannah brought it up the other day as the thing she wanted to do since she had been talking to me about it apartment shopping more than him.

I guess having so much understanding so early in the morning over something that could have blown up into a fight has also boosted my mood. Yay communication and the dispelling of ickiness.

I got the chance to text RB a bit yesterday afternoon. I made a comment jokingly about how sex was the best invention next to food. His reply was he rated sex a bit higher. Yeah… but without food you can’t keep going. Which brings up the question, “What about water?” So I feel I should revise my statement to be, “Sex is the best invention next to sustenance.” Sleep is a side effect from the exhaustion felt afterwards… There. All bases are covered. For some reason the conversation was amusing to me.

I told Zane I was messaging RB. Actually, I said that I was bragging about getting laid, because I’m classy like that and I needed to have girl talk with someone about it I guess. I’m not sure if it’s weird to talk to exs, especially about sex, but for the two that I’m still in touch with it happens. I actually sort of like that we were able to salvage the friendship we had to be able to joke and share about our current relationships. It makes me feel like I can go to people who know me a bit better in certain regards when I need relationship advice.

Me: Am I being crazy?
Them: Yeah… yeah, you are.
Me: Oh… well… shit.

I also talked to Brad for a while last night. I haven’t mentioned him all that much I don’t think. He was one of the few people I actually enjoyed talking to on OkCupid when my profile was active. We’ve talked for almost as long as I’ve known Zane, but since he lives about an hour away we’ve never actually met.

That may change soon-ish? We mentioned it last night, or rather I did. We’ve both admitted to being extremely socially awkward and how even though we have amazing chemistry online, through a screen, we both would feel totally out of our element with meeting in person. How we would both be nervous because social situations are a form of torture in the beginning.

I’m still chewing on the idea, dragon that I am. I like that I’m able to think clearer about it now, today. It’s something I want to explore, but I need to understand and own up to all of the reasons. Being honest with myself, with Zane, with Brad. Everyone knows about everyone. No secrets there. I don’t think I’m ready to delve into that area just yet, though. I don’t know. For some reason thinking about it in the break room doesn’t feel right. Wrong place I guess. I feel that’s more of an “at home” sort of topic to meditate on rather than an “at work” thing.

I need to make it clear in my head because right now it’s still sort of fuzzy. The feelings haven’t been turned into solid statements yet, and until they are nothing is going to happen. Making a physics bible with Zane for our relationship would be a good idea, too. That way we have something to refer back to as far as rules of engagement go.

Maybe that’s something we can do this weekend. We’ve mentioned it in the past, but haven’t ever taken the time to hash it out. With him spending time with Hannah, me possibly meeting Brad, I think it would be the safer option to take the time and do it now, rather than ask for forgiveness for some unknown transgression later.

Arg. Humans. So much complication. >.<;

Daily Post 079: Feeling Eh on a Day Off is Lame

I feel like I’ve been spending a lot of time writing recently, what between the prompt pages I have gone back into writing and my daily posts, and part of me feels bad about that. Don’t I have better things to do with my life than sit at the computer writing about nothing all that terribly important? I also feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of time on Facebook again, and I am not sure where that falls into my “I care” spectrum.

I knew this week would be rough. And looking back at everything from the start of my winter break until know, there really has only been one week that was “normal”. I’m nowhere near the burnout I was back in what was it, November? Whenever I took the week off for mental health. Yeah, I’m nowhere near that.

But I can take a moment to say that this week hasn’t been fun. It’s been helpful to go back and read my post about this past weekend. To remember that I had a lot of really good days in a row.

I got a 100 on my abstract piece. I got a 95 on my last discussion post because I didn’t mention a specific artist or piece of artwork. Part of me is like, “Really?” The other part of me doesn’t care. I’m doing well in my class. 5 points isn’t going to break me. It’s just a mark against the perfectionism I used to strive so hard to attain. I’m not as worried about being perfect now. I was happy with my discussion post at the time. Why should 5 points make me feel like it’s not longer good enough?

I guess right now I’m sort of in an “I don’t care” mood. It’s my day off. I don’t have the bike so even if I wanted to go somewhere I can’t. Part of me feels like I’m stuck at home. Trevor is here because he’s still sick. John was coughing all last night, too, and the only thought I have in that regard is if I get sick and can’t run my race on the 6^th…

I’ll leave that statement open ended because I don’t want to be tied down to only one course of action. I want to keep my options open.

Maybe hot sauce in eyeballs, or some other form of extreme torture. I wouldn’t want to kill them… oh no. Suffering. Much suffering… And of course I don’t mean a single word of any of that, but it makes the terrible side of my INFJ self amused and entertained.

There was a pretty good quote I saw at one point which said, “I may be smiling but inside my head I’ve already killed you nine different ways.” Yeah… most of the time it’s like that.

Blah.

So I was supposed to have my review yesterday. Guess what ended up not happening… Yep. My review. Clavan forgot about it. All of the preparing I did. The papers I printed out. The information I gathered… all of the stressing… yep. Get to continue to do that until Saturday. Whoohoo. : D

I got to start a new cross-stitch yesterday. I’m working on Spring now. I washed the Winter cross-stitch. I need to iron it, and then scan it so I can post pictures, because pics or it didn’t happen. This is going to be one of the ones I actually frame and keep for myself I think. I like it.

But yeah. Started on Spring. I’m using a light, bright green. It’s pretty against the white fabric and makes some weird part of my brain happy to see. Yay color. The blue of Winter was really nice, too. They’re both cool colors in the color spectrum and calming to process. I wonder what Summer is going to be like with the goldish color I plan to use. If only it were summer now and my toes weren’t cold. I’m pretty done with the whole cold thing and that might be another factor into today being a little low.

Lab was quiet yesterday. This month has actually been pretty chill as far as work is concerned. Both classes seem to be pretty solid, and the few questions I do get I’m able to take care of.

Since I had to wait for Zane to pick me up from work yesterday I walked over to Crisper’s where I had their kickin’ crab chowder with a half piece of bread. I cross-stitched for a little while after eating, wanting to stay away from school and people.

Zane came and got me. I drove home since he had battled through traffic to get to me. I showered when I got home, which was another factor into yesterday being “eh”.

I had showered the night before, and since it was cold outside in the morning I thought I would try to stay warm-er and not shower when I woke up like I normally do. That was the worst idea I have ever had. Seriously. Dating Warren #2 was a better idea than how I felt all day yesterday for skipping out on my shower. Two hours into work I felt like the grossest thing on the face of the planet. Never mind that only 12 hours ago I had showered and was perfectly clean. I had walked out of the apartment without showering.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

So the first thing I did upon getting home was bathe in lava, scrubbing my skin until it felt raw. Once that task was completed and I was warm and clean things started feeling better.

Zane made the rice for fish tacos. He said he would clean the kitchen for me since he wanted to do something nice so I left everything alone for the most part. I did put the silverware away since he dislikes that part about the dishes the most. We watched the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, so there’s only the 4^th one left to see.

By then it was 10pm and bedtime. I wasn’t tired though, so Zane went to sleep, saying he was going a catnap and would be awake and midnight, which is when he would do the kitchen. There was also the promise of sexy fun time later.

I knew it wouldn’t happen though, and at 6am, when he came out of the room and woke me up from the couch I didn’t feel the crushing disappointment of having believed or hoped. I guess that sounds really depressing and maybe not fair of me, but it’s more of a “realistic” stance rather than a “self deprecating, woe is me” stance.

Logically, realistically, Zane hasn’t been waking up when he says he’s going to “catnap”. His alarm goes off, awaking me up if I’m sleeping with him, only to set his alarm for later and continuing to sleep, leaving the chores he says is going to do undone. It happens so often, so consistently, that it’s hard to believe him when he says, “I’ll do it later.”

No. You won’t. Because you have never done it later. There’s no anger with that statement. There’s no resentment or disappointment. Just logic. Which I know comes off as cold and distant most of the time, and I’m sorry for that. But logically, realistically, you won’t. because you haven’t. I can only believe in the things I see and experience. This is what you’ve shown me, so this is what I’m going to believe.

I ended up doing the dishes this morning and cleaning the kitchen. It’s going on another week since we had sex.

And maybe that’s part of todays “not caring” mood as well. This estranged, detached feeling where I have the friendship that I want, but there’s still the sexual unfulfillment that I feel shouldn’t be there if my relationship is supposed to be something more than just roommates.

And again I think of how it is an open relationship and how I have the ability to find another person if I wanted to, but would that really fix my issue? The lack of sex is more a lack of intimacy. If I find that intimacy with someone else Zane would no longer be my primary. I don’t think he would anyway. I would be more fulfilled by the other person, I would have a stronger, deeper connection to them. And so I’m left still wondering if I should accept what I have, which is pretty good, and just be happy, or find someone else, which only half of me is ok with because the other half is still brainwashed by society saying if you have more than one partner, especially as a girl, you’re a whore.

Arg.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to push this away for now because soul searching really isn’t something I want to do at the moment.

I don’t know what I want to do with today. Nothing really. Maybe iron my cross-stitch so I can feel like I’ve done something. So I can put it away and not be adding to the clutter on the table, which Trevor still hasn’t cleaned off even though he said two weeks ago he would. I have to give him credit. It’s better than what it was, but still not able to be used as a place for eating because of how much junk is on it, all of which isn’t mine aside from the 8×12 cross-stitch.

Another factor. The apartment still feels cluttered and messy and I can’t clean it.

I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know that longing for the future detracts from the present. But I do think that when the lease renews and everyone moves out and all of this clutter is gone that I will feel better.

I think Zane will be able to switch over to the sleep pattern he wants and so he will be able to actually wake up and do the things he says he’s going to do. We’ve already talked about that this morning, how it’s hard to believe the things he says, and that waiting until everyone moves out might be the better option for his sleep schedule.

He came up behind me this morning while I was washing the dishes and hugged me and said he was sorry for lying. That he hadn’t meant to sleep the whole night like that and that he would make it up to me.

I want my review to be over with. I know I’m going to do fine. I know Clavan still thinks I’m this amazing employee and that I have nothing to worry about, but I want it to be done with. I want to feel warm and wanted by my partner, and right now I don’t which means I would rather cuddle than do anything sexy, because girl logic. I think I’m still emotionally unsettled about the meeting with Head Honcho, too. Not really angry, but bummed.

It’s like there are lots of little things, small things, that on their own are fine and I can handle, but they add up, and together it just makes today seem so blah.

The sun is out today. It’s not cloudy. My toes are still cold because it’s winter, but it’s a nice day. Maybe I’ll sit on the porch, the door open, and cross-stitch with a second cup of coffee while Scarlet suns herself next to me.

I might not have the drive to do much today. Today might be a recovery day from what I knew was going to be a rough week, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad day.

I can listen to more of The White Dragon. Maybe even finish the book today. I’m not sure how much is left. I can make the baked ziti for dinner tonight. I can watch the last movie in the series so I can begin work on the deck of cards for the characters.

I hadn’t planned on making a to-do list today, but maybe that would help me feel more productive. One small task at a time. One bit of momentum rolling into the next to make things seem better. There are a lot of little annoying things tripping me up, but that doesn’t mean I have to fall to the ground and give up. There are a lot of little things that I can catch myself on, too, to keep me standing.

Prompt Page 007: Things and Stuff

Prompt by The Learning Network to combat WordPress.

Today’s Topic:
What could I live without?

What would I be willing to give up to help others? Why?

Not much.

And at first glance that most likely makes me sound like the biggest ass on the face of the planet until I explain that really, the only things I have are my clothes, the bedding that I literally just bought this past weekend, my cat, and the little bit of stuff in my storage unit.

Going on to further explain the storage unit. I moved into this apartment which was already well established. Trevor and Danielle basically own the kitchen with all of the cookware, plates, silverware. John doesn’t help by adding to what I feel is clutter. Pretty containers sitting on the counter taking up vital space, collecting dust. Fancy glasses that he doesn’t want people using for fear of breaking them.

I have my coffee cup, one, single cup that I use daily. I have my set of skillets which I’m so possessive over because they’re literally the only cookware I have kept. I keep them on my shelf in the pantry so no one else will use them. Out of the whole kitchen, I have three skillets and the glassware that I keep my food in for storage. That’s my contribution to the kitchen clutter, aside from food stuff like my sugar packets and coffee and my one shelf which still gets invaded from time to time which I unflinchingly correct.

Right Brain: It’s my one spot. Keep your shit off it.

The only things I really have in my storage unit are book cases, which there wasn’t room for in the apartment with everyone else’s furniture, and now, more recently, my brother’s stuff which I’m holding on to until he gets back from Germany. I have one container in there which has my silverware, the first and only set I ever bought before I moved to college, and a coffee table, white with flacking paint that I got at a Goodwill before moving as well. Some plates, purple, thick, heavy.

I don’t know why but all of those things are important to me. They’re the few things that I have held onto through all of my moves. They are the few items I still have from my mark into adulthood, and out of all the times I have down sized, all the times I have donated stuff away, I feel I am allowed to keep a few things. I have a right to keep my $15 coffee table with flacking paint.

The computer desk and computer chair in my room are actually my brother’s and I don’t feel I have a right to give them away. I’m pretty sure he’ll want them back. The one bookcase I have in the room actually has more stuff of Zane’s than mine on it. I keep my containers of cross stitch threads there, which I would like to see someone try to take those away from me. There would be a dead body on the floor and it wouldn’t be mine… Just sayin’…

The one self that I actually have books on is a hodgepodge of sketchbooks, ones that I have had since high school all the way through my most recent art classes. They show my progression, my phases through anime, tribal, weapons. All sorts of stuff. My metaphysical books, everything from gemstones and herbal almanacs to aura reading, books about Buddhism and chakras. And then the few books I kept from my time as a Computer Animation student. Acting for Animators by Ed Hook, a fantastic read. Stop Staring which is more about 3D facial workflow rather than rigging, but still an amazing resource. I have the second and third edition. I think there’s a fourth that I need to look into getting…

I have donated the six boxes of books that I used to have to the local library at home. All of the novels I read, the series that I loved so much and the ones that helped me survive through high school. I have lovingly run my fingers over their spines for the last time as I parted with those books already. After moving four times, packing and unpacking paper loses it’s appeal pretty fast. They served their purpose and so I felt it was time to move on, to let go of what I was holding on to. So they’re gone.

I would give up my desktop computer, and actually that is something that I’ve been thinking about doing more and more recently. I don’t even have it set up right now. It’s literally sitting on the floor in the bedroom under the desk, the monitors in the closet so I can have more work area. For how much I loved and cherished and was possessive over my desktop, I don’t use it anymore.

The last thing I really did with it was play Witcher III, a free game that I got from Frank, and really I feel it would play better on the PS4 that Zane bought than the PC, so I’ve been thinking about purchasing it for the system.

I would give up my desktop since I’m honestly not using it and that makes me feel pretty shitty because I was so angry with RB when I found out about the viruses on it. I spent so much time cleaning my computer up and feeling wronged over something that is basically a giant paper weight now. It makes me feel remorseful.

I don’t have a billion pairs of shoes. I have my old set of running shoes which I plan to use for my race in February. I have the new ones I’ve been training in. I have the pair I wear to work, and one set of sandals which I’ve had for three years now. No fancy stilettos, no sexy boots. Just practical, functional stuff. If I had to I could live with just the one set I’m training in… Maybe four sets is a little excessive.

I don’t have tons of clothes that I don’t wear. I might get rid of the polos for work. I don’t do the tours for the school anymore so I don’t need them, and since I’m not forced to wear them I don’t.

I need my backpack to carry my stuff to and from work. My work laptop is not my own. The bike is not my own. I’m actually taking Frank’s bike to the shop with me tonight to trade it in since I use Zane’s bike exclusively…

I guess the bookcases in the storage unit… I could get rid of those, too. I got those from the Reuse section at the Uhaul. Someone was throwing them away so I took them. I don’t really need them. I only need one shelf apparently for all of my book stuff, so why would I need three bookcases? I have no real attachment to them. They’re not the handmade bookcases of my grandfather’s which I originally had with me when I moved for school. Those are with my mom, safe and sound.

I try to live a minimalist life style. The things I have are important to me, and I keep them for a reason. That or they serve a specific function. There is very little I would get rid of because there is very little that I have.

I would, and have, gladly given my time and effort for people. I have made financial contributions to charities, good causes, even buying food for homeless people. I donate the unused cans in the pantry to the school’s food pantry for student’s who are going through financial hardships, or to the YMCA food drives.

But, honestly, I don’t have much, so as far as “things” go, I don’t have much to give. I got off the “treadmill of accumulation” a while ago.

Prompt Page 006: Stealing

Prompt by The Learning Network to combat WordPress.

Today’s Topic:
Have I ever taken something
I wasn’t supposed to?

Have I ever taken something I wasn’t supposed to? What did I take? What were the circumstances? Who or what was the victim of my unauthorized taking? Did I feel guilty? Do I think it was immoral? Would I call it “stealing”?

Oh man. All of the questions.

Yes. I have taken things I wasn’t supposed to.

I would take candies from one of the jars at my grandmother’s house. Only the dark chocolate ones though. So it was ok…

When I was younger my cousin had some not good friends. They would shoplift, and though I don’t remember ever actually stealing anything, I was part of the group. I remember how one time my heart was beating so fast, my hands shaking so hard at the thought of taking one of the little keychain rings at the dollar store we were in. I feel, now, that I should have done something to stop them. I knew it was wrong, which is part of the reason there was so much adrenalin in my system. I was scared about getting caught. I didn’t like the thought of doing something wrong, yet I stood and did nothing to prevent it for the sake of being part of the group, for feeling included.

More recently, I had a glass of milk to go with one of the brownies that Zane made. I didn’t ask for permission, and though Trevor is pretty chill about stuff like that, and thinks that things like milk and eggs are communal, along with pasta and veggies… pretty much anything unless it is explicitly stated, to me it was sort of immoral.

I would have wanted someone to ask me to use my milk since I buy organic milk and it’s not cheap. I want my milk to be there when I go to use it. If I want someone to ask me to use my things, I should do the same. Lead by example. But I didn’t because it was 2 in the morning and I wasn’t going to wake Trevor and Danielle up just to have a cup of milk. I did feel guilty about it, and ended up buying the next container as atonement.

I don’t think it really counts as stealing since by exact definition stealing is taking without the intent to return. Since I did return, or at least replace the milk I used, I feel I’m square with the Universe.

I’m not in the habit of taking or using things that are not my own. I don’t think I’ve ever really stolen anything. I’m pretty sure I would remember if I had. Even when things are left from exs I try to return the items because I don’t feel it is right to keep them. They’re not mine. Keeping them would be stealing and I don’t want that hanging over my head, or thrown in my face later in life for whatever reason.

If I want something I’ll get it through my own means. Usually monetary means.

I remember one instance where I did try to steal something on my own. It was at day care. I don’t think I was in school yet. My dad would always play with my hair and put clips and barrettes in it. I was walking by the cubbies we were allowed to put our stuff inside of and I saw a really pretty barrette. It wasn’t mine, but I took it so my dad could use it. I thought he would like it.

I got in trouble for that. When asked why I took it I couldn’t explain why because of how upset I was. Now, as an adult, I can see why it was so frustrating for the care takers and my parents. But I can also remember my mentality at the time and how I didn’t understand. If they wanted the barrette why weren’t they wearing it? I wasn’t going to break it or mess it up. I was going to take care of it and it would have made my dad happy.

Only it didn’t. He was really upset with me. I guess that’s where I learned that if it’s not mine I shouldn’t mess with it. It makes the people I care about upset with me, and I didn’t like those feelings.

I have also been stolen from in the past. In one instance it was by a person I considered my best friend. It was silly. We had gone to the beach. My grandmother had gotten me a new beach towel recently, a really big one with a black and red tribal dragon on it. It was freaking awesome. No lie. I loved that thing, and until this beach trip I had kept it tacked up on my wall because I liked looking at it. The dragon was that super cool.

I had forgotten to bring the towel back home with me after the trip, accidentally leaving it in my friend’s car. When I went back over a few days later I found it on her own wall, and when I asked to have it back she said it was hers. That she had told her mom she had liked mine so much that they went out and got one just like it. She wasn’t sure where mine was. That marked the end of our friendship. It may seem like it ended over a towel, but that wasn’t it for me. You can’t be my friend and steal or lie to me. That’s not how friendship works.

karma

Daily Post 078: Yesterday and the Bike Ride Home

I suppose I should take the time to write while I have it.

My Musing Moment from yesterday painted a pretty good representation of what I felt for most of the day. Angry. Writing helped a bit. Texting with RB helped as well. I had a message from him saying he was sorry I was having a rough day and from there we had a pretty comforting conversation. I had tried to call my mom but hadn’t been able to reach her. I had thought isolating myself away was the best option, but having interaction with someone I care about helped to balance me out.

I did use the left over emotions in my abstract piece this morning, which actually made the assignment pretty easy for me. I’ll be posting that later today as I feel up to it.

But yeah. The meeting wasn’t fun and made it hard to enjoy the rest of the day. Lab was uneventful. I was able to finish my winter cross stitch before it ended, which was a nice surprise. I hadn’t realized I was so close to completing it.

The bike ride home sucked. Mostly because the back tire refused to rotate properly, back peddling caused the chain to go slack, and there was an awful clanking sound that made me think my poor bike was dying…

Let me tell how that was so not what I needed after the meeting I had earlier… Can nothing go right in my day? Please? Just one thing? Can I just get home so I can have a breakdown alone and not on the side of the road?

I ended up texting Zane to let him know there was an issue with the bike, looked up when the bike shop closed (7pm), and then walked the bike the rest of the way home. I was pretty happy I had left my backpack at school. It would have been way worse to have to walk home with that on my back.

When I got home I was so close to breaking down. I was cold, had been all day, I was tired, I was frustrated, I still had all of the BS from the meeting to sort through… I knew good stuff had happened throughout the day. I knew it wasn’t the terrible day. But I couldn’t see or remember any of the good things. I knew that if I took the time to recognize ALL the events of my day rather than focusing on the negative ones that I would see there wasn’t a reason to feel the way I did. There wasn’t a reason to break down and I wasn’t going to let myself sink into the pits of undeserved misery just because I wanted to be selective in my memory.

While I stood in the kitchen I looked at the dry erase board on the fridge and got an idea. I would write down every positive thing that I could remember. Physically write it down rather than type or think it. If I wrote it down it was real. It existed. It happened.

So that’s what I did. I took the blue dry erase marker we use for our grocery list and wrote everything down. The more I wrote the more I could remember. The more I thought of that made my day nice. I meant to take a picture of the board before I left the apartment today, but I ran out of time and in my rush I forgot, so in no real order here are some of the things that happened yesterday.

The heat was on when I got home.
I had tuna already made so I could eat without having to cook.
My mom got a job.
Samantha got a job.
I was able to get home.
It was still light outside when I did get home.
I have money to fix the bike.
I could take the bike to the bike shop.
Carol helped replace the computer monitors in the break room.
I finished my cross stitch.
I got to talk to a friend.
I can fix my problems.
Today wasn’t a bad day.

So yeah. Some pretty awesome stuff happened yesterday.

On my to-do list I had things like, “do nothing,” and ,”eat ice cream.” No joke. I feel like I should take a picture of that just so it’s Internet official.

When Zane got home he took a look at the bike. The wheel was super bent some how. I wanted to take the bike to get it looked at since I think of it as my transportation now. I mean, the car is still my car, but I hardly ever use it anymore, at least when going to and from work. I felt crippled at the thought of not having the bike.

Even though he had just gotten home, and even though we had originally made plans to stay in and do nothing, mostly so I could try to recover from the emotional nonsense going on inside myself, Zane went with me to have the bike looked at instead.

Zane was frustrated for a majority of it. He hadn’t wanted to go. But I’m grateful he did. And in the end I think he was ok with how the night worked out. I’m glad we were able to spend time together instead of me being out at night by myself, trying to hold my world together even though I had already established that it wasn’t as bad as I was feeling.

The wheel was able to be corrected. There was also a broken spoke that needed to be repaired. When I mentioned about the back pedaling issue though that got me an “uh-oh” look from the tech. While the wheel was messed up, there was a bigger issue with the wheel. At the time it made perfect sense, and I still sort of know what the issue is, but I don’t remember all of the fancy, bikey, techy terms that were used to explain it to me.

Basically there is a housing unit that the gear cassette goes on. They think that’s broken, but can’t verify it without taking a bunch of stuff apart. I could replace the whole wheel for $60, or the gear cassette for something like $300… So we left the bike for them to replace the wheel.

It’s actually working out pretty well. They waived about $40 worth of fees and aren’t charging me for the previous work of straitening out the tire and fixing the spoke since I’m getting a new wheel instead. At first I was feeling pretty angsty because I literally just got the bike tuned up before Christmas. Can I not have it run good for a month?

But I guess this is a normal wear and tear thing, and with the tune up package I bought there wasn’t a way to see this particular part. Zane’s bike is pretty old and we leave it outside on the back porch of our apartment, so really I feel like I’ve been pretty lucky with the bike. I put about 200 miles on it in a month. I feel like I’ve been pretty fortunate to not have had the bike seriously mess up on me in such a way that I’ve been injured. I’ve only been minorly inconvenienced, and even with having to leave the bike at the shop last night, I was still able to get to work and enjoy my morning.

It might be annoying. I might be having to spend more money. But it is a good investment. Just like getting the car fixed is a good investment for continuing to be able to earn a paycheck. I’m fortunate that I am in such a better spot right now that I can afford the maintenance fee without cringing or worrying about how to cover something else. It’s annoying. I would have rather not had to spend that money. But I can spend it. I can fix the problem and things are still ok.

Because it was late-ish by the time we had the bike settled Zane and I went to Chick-fil-a for dinner, taking it back home. I was able to use money from the Food Fund, so it wasn’t extra spending, which was nice and made it feel a little more ok. Before eating I ran back out to school on my own. I put gas in the car while I was out. Zane doesn’t get paid until Friday, and I had done a lot of running around which used more gas than he was expecting. It’s only fair that I pay for the gas I used since he’s been keeping the car filled.

I retrieved my backpack then came back home to eat. We watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie while sitting on the couch under Zane’s new blanket. So much warm and softness. It was hard to stay awake towards the end of the movie, but I made it through the whole thing.

We went to sleep afterwards. I woke up around 1am unable to go back to sleep. I took my blanket and pillows, moving out to the living room where I eventually slept the rest of the night.

So that was yesterday. Long, crazy, frustrating, one road block after another type of a day, but I made it through. Suck it, Life.

I woke up this morning. I had breakfast. I’ve refused to let yesterday have any say in how I feel right now. Yesterday is in the past along with those emotions, and today is my present. It’s had its own frustrations, but I am happy to report that I am handling things with more grace.

Here’s to the rest of the day since it’s halfway over. Onward to keeping it relaxed and calm.

Musing Moment 083: Meeting Aftermath

I’m angry right now. So angry. And since this is most likely going to be a bitch-fest I’m going to list it as a musing moment because I don’t want to tarnish my daily post with this rant.

I just had my meeting. Half of the people who were supposed to be there weren’t. So it was already off to a great start. I had spent a fair amount of time last night curled up next to Zane on the couch while he ate his tuna burrito, because that’s a thing, trying to talk through my anxiety and how I felt l was going to be closed-minded in the meeting. How I was focusing on what we can’t do, what won’t work, that I wasn’t actually looking for solutions. I was just set on sulking because my event couldn’t be done my way anymore. “Woe is me and all of my hard work,” sort of mentality.

I spent an hour at work this morning scrolling through Facebook, trying not be to be physically sick because of the emotions whirling around inside me that wouldn’t settle down.

I kept thinking about all of the work I normally have to put into this event because no one else steps up to help me actually run it. How I would have to do all of this in three weeks when normally it takes months to get anything done because of all of the red tape I have to wade through. I kept thinking how I had to buy the pizza last time because it was removed from the budget that I had checkoffed on to be sent for “official” approval. I kept thinking about how the only reason this event was really even being considered was because it would make our department “look good” and like we actually do stuff for the students and that it would be mostly me getting screwed over for the “benefit” of others.

I kept thinking how I do all of this stuff and that none of the people who were supposed to be at that meeting had donated to my Warrior Dash fund. How I have done things over and over again for them and the school and yet when I asked for help on something personal, something non-work related that would make me feel better about myself and make me want to keep doing things for others it was too much for them.

I kept thinking shadow trait thoughts. Not nice, normal, non-angry Jen thoughts.

I kept thinking about how all of those thoughts are selfish of me. How I have no right to feel wronged, and that life changes, and not everything can stay the same, and that I shouldn’t be looking for retribution. How none of the things I have done in the past were done so something would happen in the future. How none of my actions were tit-for-tat.

All of this confliction, and not enough time to write about it before hand, not that I think it would have done anything to help. And so I sat, and tried to breath and let it all dissolve, the anger, hurt, and yeah, betrayal. I’m pretty sure that’s the forerunner right now.

I feel wronged and I’m not ok with it, and that’s where a lot of this is stemming from.

So I get into the meeting, find out that most everyone isn’t going to be there, go through the dance of “How are you? How was your winter break?” When really I just want to get it over with. I want to have a solution. A solution I like. A solution I can’t find on my own. Or at least one I can’t seem to find on my own. I don’t care about your Christmas break. I care about my event.

It ultimately doesn’t matter. It’s not going to happen. We weren’t able to find a way to get it to work. After a few phone calls we realized the event wasn’t what we wanted to do to begin with. Instead of being a self-validating experience this event would be an actual challenge where the students’ work would be set before a group and rated.

They’re students. Some of them only in their first month of school. How is it fair to rate them against a person about to graduate? It’s not. That doesn’t build them up. That makes them feel like a failure, like they’re not good enough, like they’re never going to be good enough. They’re already struggling with those emotions. As artists we all, always, struggle with self-worth.

Is my art good enough? Will people like it? What will people think? Will they understand my message?

There is one equation that all artists understand.

1000 good comments + 1 bad comment = 1 bad comment

End of story.

There is a difference between constructive criticism, “Oh, you really aught to work on proportions a bit more. The spacing between the eyes and the mouth is why the facial structure looks so squashed,” and straight up negativity, “You’re not as good as this person.”

No shit. They haven’t been doing it as long, and while for some people, yeah, they’re prodigies, and that’s great, for a lot of us it’s years and years worth of trying, and not getting it right, and trying again, and time and effort, and sheer determination mustered up by some inner strength that we happen to stumble upon. They don’t need outside forces beating them down. We’re fantastic at beating ourselves up.

Arg.

My event is dead is basically what I got from this meeting. There isn’t a way with the changes to the curriculum to keep it in its original form.

I was asked if I wanted to run a purely modeling focused challenge. No. I don’t. As a technical artist you’re excluding not only me and my interests, my field which is a vital necessity to the pipeline since I’ve never seen a character in a game or movie float around in a t-pose, but all of the other areas involved in Computer Animation. Shading and Lighting, compositing, animation, visual FX. You’re catering to a small group of students and I don’t like that because I’m one of the people who would have felt excluded, and that sucks.

As a student, I wouldn’t have appreciated it and I would have felt sort of backhanded. “Hey I know you like this one particular thing, but tough luck, we’re not going to let you participate because it’s not good enough, important enough, to be part of this event.”

I wouldn’t have liked it then, so I’m not going to allow that to happen now, as an instructor. I’m not going to support something that I feel is wrong.

So that’s where we’re at. The meeting is over. The event isn’t going to happen. I don’t have the stress of worrying about how to figure out how to make it happen in 3 weeks. I don’t have to make the flyers or website. I don’t have all of this added weight of having to “do” stuff.

Instead I have the weight of having to accept the fact, the truth, that 3D Blitz is gone. For real. For good. I may make a different event, something similar, something along the same lines as… but it will NOT be 3D Blitz. It will be something by another name. It will be something unique and wholly its own entity. And that makes me sad.

I don’t agree with the changes that were made. No one on the staff has. But when you’re voluntold what to do there’s not much that can be done. The changes had to be made. There wasn’t a choice. There wasn’t an open discussion. And this is one of the results of those changes.

My event, a cause I fully believed in, is just one of the many casualties caught in the cross fire. And so for right now I’m going to let myself mourn because it’s finally real. I knew, deep down, when I first heard of the changes to the 3DF class that this was going to be the end result. I knew it, but I never really acknowledged it. I kept going. Pushing off the questions of, “When is the next Blitz?” saying I was busy with my classes, or the stress of Zane being unemployed made it too much to think about.

But really all of that was avoidance.

I don’t want to become resentful over this. I don’t want this anger to poison my thoughts and make me think negatively of people, but right now it is so hard.

How? How could you ruin something that was so positive? Something that had so much student support? How could you take that away from me and then expect me to want to create something that goes completely against what my event stood for?

Instead of open and accepting lets make something judging and selective.

No.

No. I won’t. And out of all of the negative thoughts I have in my head I can take a moment to say I appreciated that one of the last statements in the meeting was Head Honcho saying that I had the right to say no. It made me feel understood and so I actually think my anger is less than what it could be at the moment. But that doesn’t make it go away. That doesn’t make me feel less wronged. It just makes me feel like I’m not the only one who isn’t happy. At least I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who wanted this to work and is disappointed that it can’t.

Right now I’m trying to be understanding with myself. I’m trying to give these emotions their time instead of trying to stuff them down or ignoring them. No. They’re there, and they will most likely be there for a little while. At the same time I don’t have to stew in them all day.

I have an abstract piece that I need to make for my History of Visual Communications class. Maybe I can funnel all of this discord into that. Lots of reds and oranges. Lots of fire and chaos as the emotions swirl around, agitated by their own heat, looping back on themselves as my mind trips over the same words again and again.

My event is dead.

Prompt Page 005: Lies

Prompt by The Learning Network to combat WordPress.

Today’s Topic:
How comfortable am I with lying?

How comfortable am I with lying?

I hate, loath, lies. I have so many quotes stored in my head about lying. Things from the Russian proverb, “I would rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie,” to advice from famous people like Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don’ t have to remember anything,” to little inspirational picture quotes from Facebook with powerful words from anonymous authors, “Tell a lie once and all your truths become questionable.”

I do not like lies, and I do my best to be honest, which sometimes needs to be tempered with diplomacy because words can hurt more than any physical, worldly weapon.

However, since there is always a flip side… I competed in impromptu speaking for my FBLA group in high school for a year. I am good and being able to come up with things off the top of my head. If I had to, I could, successfully, lie to people.

I suppose my biggest example of that is, “Yeah, I’m fine.” For a while lying about my emotions was so second nature that it was like breathing for me. I didn’t even realize I was lying half the time.

I was really, really good at it, and it is one of the reasons so few people knew I was suicidal during college. I don’t think anyone, not even my mom, realized the depth at which I was hurting because of how good I got at covering up the truth.

I am proud to say that this is no longer the case. I am happy that I am no longer comfortable with lying, and that though I am sure I could still do it if I wanted to, and still have people believe the things I say, that I choose not to.

I value the people in my life enough to tell them the truth. If I want them to be honest with me, I need to show that I respect them enough to be honest with them.

Are there certain circumstances when I am comfortable telling a lie, and others when I am not?

Going back to the whole “lying about my emotions” thing… I feel that is really the only area that I have seriously lied about in my adult life, because we all know that as kids we lied about the cookie jar… I’m pretty sure that’s not what this prompt is talking about though.

When I was younger, when the divorce first happened, when answering the “Are you ok?” question, I didn’t think of it as lying even though it was. I was just brushing an extremely inconvenient and painful question away so I could get on with my life.

No. I wasn’t fine. Why couldn’t everyone leave me alone? What was I doing to give it away? How could I fix this issue so people would stop worrying about me?

In my head it was ok to lie. I was doing it to spare everyone else. I was doing it to put distance between the world and myself. Distance that I felt I needed. I wasn’t ready to talk about anything that was going on, and every time that question was asked it felt like acid inside my body, making me blindingly aware of just how “not ok” I was.

I have a different mentality now, but as an injured teenage girl I felt justified and that my responses were ok. What I was doing wasn’t wrong. It was what I had to answer to survive my own internal battle. No one else could help me, so I lied, hoping that it was what they wanted to hear, that my answer would satisfy them and I would be left alone to try to figure everything out.

I’m not defending my actions. Well… I guess in a way I am. I think of it more as trying to explain a past wrong. It’s not what I would do now, but I have grown and changed, and while I am still the same person, having the wisdom I do now means that the choices I made then are not the choices I would make today.

At the moment there are no circumstances where I would be ok with lying.

When was the last time I told a lie?

I honestly don’t remember but it was most likely to Zane and most likely about being ok when I really wasn’t. It’s still a knee jerk reaction sometimes, and there are still times where it doesn’t register in my brain that I have actually answered the question.

We’re getting better about it though since I have a sensitivity to the questions, “Are you ok?” and “Are you upset?”.

Instead of asking, “Are you ok?” We’re trying to move to asking, “How do you feel?”

It makes me stop and analyze my internal landscape. What am I feeling? Most of the time it is not upset or sad. A lot of the time it’s a mix of pretty complex emotions and without the time to reflect I am not able to understand my reactions or communicate effectively. My emotions can be so intense, so forceful and sudden, like landslides and volcanoes within myself.

Asking me to be detached from that, to actually look and see what it is that I am experiencing helps me to better communicate. “How do you feel?” requires a more involved answer which takes time and thought rather than the age old, single word answer to the dreaded, “Are you ok?” line.

Does my body language reveal when I am lying?

No. But it can reveal when I am uncomfortable with the truth I am about to say. If it is something I am worried about, something I feel may cause discord between someone and myself, or if I am having trouble finding the words I want to use, my body will express my inner discord.

It can be hard to breath because my chest will get tight, constricting with the desire to hold back and not hurt someone with my words. My muscles will tense sometimes, toes curling as I try to physically pull away because I don’t want to say what so desperately wants to spill from my lips. I want, sometimes need, to say what’s on my mind but my body is fighting that urge, putting so much effort into restraining the words, trying to keep them trapped within myself.

There is conflict. I need to be honest, but I need to not hurt the other person and sometimes I can’t see the way to do both at the same time. That conflict can be physically painful for me.

In those instances the best thing for people to do is to give me time. It’s not that I don’t want to communicate. It’s not that I’m looking for a lie. It’s that I don’t know the words to use to keep going with the conversation. I need time. I need understanding and patience.

How good do I think I am at spotting when someone else is lying? What clues do I use?

Intuition. I don’t know how I know when people are lying, I just do. It’s a feeling. There’s something in the way they speak, a difference in their tone. The way their eyes move. The way they breathe just a little shallower, and then deeper as their body relaxes.

There’s just something about lies that I’m sensitive to. Not saying that I’ve never been lied to, but eventually I always pick up on it, and the longer it takes for me to figure out, the more napalm that’s dropped on that particular bridge.

Instead of lying to me tell me that you don’t want to talk about whatever it is. You’re not ready at the moment. You need more time to figure it out. “We’ll talk later.”

Or tell me that it’s not my business. Or tell me the truth, especially if it involves me directly so I can make smart choices about the situation.

Maybe this is me being a slightly over developed J on the INFJ scale, but I no longer have a tolerance for lies, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that almost all of my emotional pain has stemmed from being lied to, by others as well as myself.

The truth may suck, a lot. But I would rather have a the pain of ripping a band aid off than the agony of having to heal through infection, or in the worst situations amputate part of my soul when we realize the relationship has been infected for so long that it can’t be salvaged.

e280c89ae94fc7266346907d0b483cf0

Prompt Page 004: Everyone’s Talking About It

Prompt by The Learning Network to combat WordPress.

Today’s Topic:
How much do I gossip?

How much time do I spend every day gossiping, or listening to gossip – whether in person or online?

This makes me wonder and question the morality of my blog. Not that I’m going to stop, but, I mean, I am reporting the information and behavior of other peoples lives as they happen to cross over mine… Which technically fulfills that definition….

Hmmm….

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 3.52.09 PM

I really don’t like the idea that I gossip. I don’t like the way the word feels mostly because every time the word gossip is used it’s in conjunction with spreading rumors or lies, which I do my best not to do. I blog to archive my life, and since I don’t live in a bubble, alone, other people are part of my daily story.

I don’t report about their personal life. I may mention someone having a hard time. I may give information that has already been made public, but I don’t divulge secrets, and I don’t lie, all of which I feel go hand in hand with the word gossip.

Maybe I need to expand my vocabulary and find another word…

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 3.58.05 PM

I guess the difference between gossiping and blogging is in the focus. With my blog I am focusing on myself, with gossip the focus is on other people. Ok. I’m more ok with this distinction. And now that I have an understanding of what I do and do not do I can go back to the question.

I don’t gossip. I blog. I spend as little time as possible listening to or reading gossip. I try to read articles from verified sources because I dislike having to dig and fact check information. I want to trust the information I’m receiving. If I can’t trust it I’m not going to waste my time.

Even at work, while in the break room or interacting with co-workers on campus, if someone starts “gossiping” I listen with a grain of salt. I will take in the information, maybe even log it away for later use. But I’m not going to blindly accept that information. If it is interesting or important enough I may do my own research into the matter. I may send an email, inquire as I see the person the “gossip” concerns. But I’m not going to indulge it. I will make small comments, or depending on what the matter is, I may defend the other person saying I doubt that is what happened, or that I would rather hear their side of the story.

That normally brings people up short and kills the conversation. Yeah… nothing like moral high ground to make people feel small for talking behind people’s backs… maybe that’s why I don’t get invited to go out with people for drinks very often… The introvert in me is ok with that. I’m pretty sure I’m not missing much, and I have cross stitching I would rather do anyway than get smash faced and trash talk people.

Do I think gossiping is dangerous?

Yes. 100% yes. I can think of all the times that people talked about me behind my back in middle and high school and the hateful comments they would say. I can remember how that made me feel.

I can remember working at the Citadel and having my co-works think that I was cheating on my boyfriend, but rather than talk to me about what was going on they decided to gossip and speculate amongst themselves. At the time I felt betrayed. If they were my friends why didn’t they talk to me? Why didn’t they ask me to explain what was going on? Why did they think something so terrible of me? What had I done to show that was in my character?

I think of the online bullying that drives youth to commit suicide because of the terrible, awful things people say, the rumors and lies that get spread like wildfire.

It is NEVER ok to tear someone down. It’s NEVER ok to spread lies or rumors. It’s NEVER ok to play with another person’s emotions.

If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else.

Do I think I could refrain from gossip for an entire day?

I think I could do a pretty good job of not letting it affect me. But there’s so much BS online with Facebook and Twitter and all of the social media. Even the news. There’s so much garbage out there that I don’t think I could avoid it entirely even if my life depended on it, short of living alone in the middle of nowhere, and that’s sort of sad to realize.

What are some of the consequences of gossip I have observed in my own life?

Lowered self-esteem. Self hate. Confidence issues. Trust issues. Depression. Anxiety. And that’s just in my own personal life.

I like to think that I have overcome a lot of these things. I like to think that I have grown and healed from my time as a frail, susceptible young girl, and that I did well by simply surviving, much less becoming the confident* (I retain the right to still complain about being insecure / unconfident in future posts) women I am today.

I hate knowing that there are people out there who still struggle with these things. I hate knowing there are other young girls out there who feel out of place, unloved, unvalued, unworthy, simply because the “cool” girl didn’t like the color of someone’s shirt.

I think gossip stems from an internal pain. The person gossiping is jealous, insecure, or unworthy feeling. They need to make themselves feel better by dragging someone else down. They need to make themselves seem important by having information, even if it is false. They need to tarnish someone else so what they have seems good enough.

Some people just like being jerks.

One of the best things I have done for myself is letting go of the need for outside approval. If people want to gossip about me, fine. If people want to blindly believe in misinformation about me rather than asking me directly for clarification or facts, fine.

I’m cool with that. People are allowed to make their own choices and decisions. Just like I am allowed to make my own.

I choose to not worry about it any more. I choose to be ok with myself. I wish I had made this choice when I was younger. I wish I had had the confidence in myself, the inner strength needed to make that choice because I can’t image where I would be now, how different my experiences would have been. I wish I had realized sooner that I was better than the gossip I heard and perpetuated within myself for years.

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Daily Post 077: The Dreaded Laundry

I want to try to get through this post before dashing off to make breakfast and then heading into work mostly because I need closure from last night / this morning and I feel this is the best way to achieve that. Through writing.

Yesterday was pretty fantastic, which makes this morning more than a little frustrating.

Zane was approved to go in to test one of the systems his team uses, which gave him about three hours of overtime. I woke up with him, we had breakfast together. While he was gone I wrote my prompt page. I also took the time to write my daily post, which took a while since there was so much to catch up on for Friday and Saturday.

By the time I was done writing Zane had messaged me saying he was on his way home. We had plans for date day, so I extracted myself from the laptop and showered.

We were having a hard time figuring out where to go for lunch. Zane wanted fries but I didn’t really want anything fried or burger related. I mentioned how Chili’s has a few things that I really enjoy, but that I was under the impression that Zane didn’t like going there.

He corrected me by saying that he didn’t like the Chili’s location near my work, but that he liked their food. Oh. Well… that changes things. We decided to go to one of the malls to look at bedding and while we were in the area we would grab lunch at the Chili’s there.

We ended up doing the 2 for $20 deal. While we waited for our food we worked on my character for his Pathfinder game, filling in the digital sheet and figuring out more of the personality. I’m going to go with chaotic neutral for my alignment. Mauahahahaha. >:3

Lunch was good. Towards the end it was a little annoying because a whole bunch of people came in with kids so it wasn’t the quiet, relaxing atmosphere it had originally been. That’s ok though. We were pretty much done and left shortly after.

From lunch we went over to the mall. We ended up going to JC Penny’s where we picked out a new set of sheets. We went with a plum purple. We also agreed that the sheets are mine. So if anything happens, or whenever Zane goes out to California I get to keep them.

I wanted to get a new comforter while we were there, but I didn’t see any I liked. I haven’t had an actual blanket since I lived with Joshua. I’m pretty sure I threw the one I had out along with most of my bedding due to the bed bugs that followed me from Mother Earth’s apartment. I didn’t want to risk having them follow me to Jeremy’s place, so I got rid of my blanket and never really replaced it. I’ve only been using my giant sheet, or ninjaing the blanket from Zane. I feel like it’s time that I got another one. One for me, since the last one I had I had gotten when I was with Jarrett…

I feel like I should just stop typing about all of this because there are so many names involved. I suppose I should mention this stretched out over the course of about two years… Not sure if that makes it any better. And it sort of sucks that it seems like I really do move every six months or so… I think this is the longest I’ve stayed still in a while. Going on eight months now? Maybe a bit longer?

Anyway. I didn’t see a blanket that I liked, but Zane found one that he super, uber liked, so I got it for him. Only spent $90 once all of the sale / discount stuff was applied. Super happy about that.

By then both Zane and I were sort of done with being out and about. We came back home and watched the remaining episodes of Arrow and The Flash. That was roughly three hours. I was antsy after sitting still for that long. I got a fair amount of progress made on my cross stitch though, so it wasn’t purely sitting.

Zane and I ended up sitting outside, seeing if that would help me out any. The air was cool and there was a breeze. It was nice to sit and talk through the rest of the day and the things that still needed to get done. There was the grocery to do. I wanted to look for a blanket at Walmart. And then there was laundry, which I wasn’t looking forward to. There was also the game in a couple hours that Zane had to be at home for.

I decided to go out and do the grocery shopping first while Zane stayed home. I went to the produce store and was able to get almost everything I needed / wanted. I went to Walmart afterwards and found a blanket that is very similar to the one I had at Joshua’s. Same style, different colors. I’m hoping it’s just as comfy because I actually really did like that blanket.

Before I went back home I ordered Chinese from the mom and pop place that I like. I still had $25 left in the date day fund after lunch, so I was cool with picking up dinner. Once that was retrieved I stopped by the bank to deposit all of the spare money from the different funds I had made for the weekend back into my account.

I think that’s how it will work from now on, since “Date Day” fund and my “Me” fund shouldn’t carry over into the work week, whatever is left over Sunday night will go back into the account and it will be money that doesn’t exist. So far I’m only $5 over what I wanted to spend, and that’s because I got the pizza Saturday night. I feel like I’m doing pretty alright budget wise.

With all of that done I went back home. Everyone was already over for the game, so I took the time to cut up all of the veggies and meat while no one else was in the kitchen. That took a bit of time, but was so worth it. I don’t have to worry about doing it later during the week when I’m tired for work.

I tried to sleep in the room once the kitchen was squared away, but that was a bust, and really where things started going downhill.

I had just started to fall asleep, after about three hours worth of trying, when Zane came into the room. I was instantly in grouch mode, and I told him that I was tired and grouchy, and that I didn’t mean to be.

The laundry still hadn’t gotten done, so we set an alarm to go off, one that I was supposed to wake to. When the alarm went off I was still exhausted, and so was Zane. Two tired grouchy people. Not good.

He asked if I wanted to do the laundry or have him do it, or have him go with me. I felt like him going with me would have been fair. We could have suffered together. We could have gone to pick up the bagels together. Maybe even enjoyed a super early breakfast at the shop. That idea was shot down pretty hard though.

Zane said to forget it. That he would do the laundry when he got home and to just go back to sleep. Of course that meant I was mad and frustrated and couldn’t go back to sleep. John was sleeping on the couch, so I couldn’t go there to sleep… Arg.

I ended up getting up and doing the laundry by myself.

I stopped by a gas station to get a coffee, which actually turned into a really good experience and helped turn the morning around.

The cashier and I chatted for a bit while he stocked the donut cabinet. He recommended that I try the Oreo hot chocolate because everyone raved about how awesome it was. I had planned on just getting a French vanilla cappuccino, you know… tried and true. Nothing adventurous. Just some normal comfort while I sit in a laundry mat alone and sulk and stew about how Zane’s a jerk…

But nope. I tried the hot chocolate and it was amazing, just like the cashier said. I thanked him for making my morning better, which made him smile. It really did help put a nice spin on the morning. If I hadn’t gotten up I wouldn’t have had that interaction, and I feel like it was worth it.

The laundry mat was pretty empty. I did four loads; one of sheets, one for my blanket, one for my clothes, and another for Zane’s clothes. I only had to pay for three driers though. I stitched while I waited. I need to start remembering to bring headphones so I can listen to music. The news was pretty depressing and I eventually tuned it out.

When everything was done drying I folded / arranged the clothes and bedding, carried it out to my car while wishing the other laundry goer a good morning, then headed back home. I carried everything into the apartment but left it in the kitchen chair, going back to bed for a little bit.

Zane got up about 30 minutes later to get the bagels from the shop. I stayed in bed, unable to sleep but too tired to do anything. Scarlet snuggled with me, her head on my shoulder while she purred into my ear. It was relaxing.

Zane came back, napped for a bit longer since he didn’t have to leave the apartment until roughly 7:40, got up and got dressed when the alarm went off, and that was that. I was left alone and able to sleep for a bit more.

When I got up again I loaded the dishwasher so it could run, made the bed, and put the clothes away. Oh, I forgot I stopped by Walmart again on my way home from laundry to pick up lime juice for the fish tacos this week. Not that it really matters, but that did happen. I remembered because the bottle of lime juice was sitting in the laundry basket when I started to put the clothes away.

I’ve actually gotten through all of the to-do list I had created for my “pre-work” time. Everything aside from eating and enjoying my coffee, which I still have about 30 minutes to do before I need to jump in the shower.

Zane and I have talked (texted) about this morning already, and that’s helped ease things over, a lot. I had a message from him saying he was sorry, that he should have gotten up with me and explaining how he felt when I mentioned him going with me to do the laundry.

I explained how I felt. How I didn’t think I was asking for all that much when I had already done the grocery on my own and gotten us dinner. I mentioned the suffering together thing, and the chance of doing breakfast.

The conversation continued on with:

Me: We both put off stuff that we say we’re going to do then get angsty for having to do it later.

I feel like it was a rough morning for both of us because of lack of sleep. I don’t want to mess up our day. We’re both sorry, it’s not how we wanted it to turn out, and now we know for next time how we can handle the situation better.

Zane: Agreed. I’m gonnu shower and nap when I get home. Please join me.

Gladly. More sleep sounds amazing right now.

I really feel like that was the real start to my morning though. Smoothing over the tangles of yesterday.

While we had been sitting on the steps, before my grocery adventure, I had mentioned how I don’t like saving laundry for Sunday. How it’s something I never want to do and I drag my feet about. It either needs to happen first thing Sunday morning, or be saved for a different day. Once we do all of our running around I never want to go back out to do it. Zane empathized with me, so hopefully this type of event doesn’t occur again, but if it does I think we will both handle it better, and in the scheme of things, I think we did pretty good.

Today is going to be rough just because I’m still tired, but maybe my bike ride into work will be the boost I need to really get me up and awake. Who knows? Aside from that I have a feeling that it will be a decent day. Tired, but overall good.

Daily Post 076: Routines, Bunnies, and Cat TV

I had forgotten how writing a prompt post seemed to start my day off “right”. There’s just something about stopping to reflect on an aspect of your life that really opens the mind. It makes me feel accepting about the day to come. So even though I haven’t written a daily post in a couple of days, I still feel pretty good and non-slacker like because I have written, just not the normal complainy stuff that I have been lately. I’m sure everyone is grateful for that. My brain included.

Friday

Friday was pretty good. I mentioned that Zane stayed home due to his hip being out of alignment (he’s doing better), which meant I got to use the car and be all girly and stuff. I enjoyed having a reason to do my hair in matching buns. I liked that I had nice cloths that I fit into and that I had a reason to wear them.

I left the apartment around 11am since there were a few things I wanted to get done during the day. I stopped by the bank to withdrawal the money I want to use for the next two weeks. Instead of use the card I’m going back to using cash. I took $60 for date day, $40 for play money (money specifically for me and only me), and then $120 for grocery since I had already spent a little bit of money for the fish tacos the previous night.

I got to see Connie at the bank. I had withdrawn the money outside at the ATM, but I wanted the little envelops to keep all of the different “funds” separate in my wallet, which meant I had to go inside and stand in line. It was nice to see her, and I liked that I was able to wish her a happy weekend.

From the bank I went to my sports bar for lunch. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to go on a Friday. Even longer since I have gone by myself. I had my server again, and I was completely blown away that she remembered my usual order.

I took the time to clean out my notebook and get things squared away and organized before writing my prompt page. My food came and sat in front of me while I typed away, growing cold. I wolfed it down as I proof read my post, eyeing the time as it crept closer and closer to when I needed to be at work.

When I was done eating I paid with money from my “Me Fund”. I took the loose $1s in change and left them out of the fund instead of putting them back in the envelope. I don’t know why but I don’t like one dollar bills. They make using cash more annoying because you have all of these dollars, a huge stack of them, and you feel like a millionaire until you realize that you actually only have $10 and can’t afford much of anything even though your wallet is bursting. So much lame…

So instead I’m keeping the $1s that I get back in change separate and will be putting them back into my bank account at the end of the week. Maybe into my savings. Not sure yet. But it’s keeping my fund envelopes way easier to manage, so at the moment it seems to be working well for me.

Any quarters I get back I put into my coin purse to use for laundry money. Zane has already given me a $20 for our laundry fund since I’ve paid $40 over the past two months, so we’re good in that department for another month or so.

Anywho, back to Friday.

I left my sports bar, wishing my server a happy and easy Friday. I got in the car, headed to work, proud that I would make it there on time, only to realize as I was at the stoplight to turn into school that I didn’t have my laptop charger, or my cross stitch… F my life.

I called Frank, who didn’t answer, and left him a quick message saying that I had forgotten some stuff at the apartment and that I would be roughly 10 minutes late. He had apparently tried to call me earlier, while I was wrapped up in my writing, to see if I wanted anything from Jersey Mike’s. I was touched by his thoughtfulness, and frustrated with myself that in my preoccupation with having the car I forgotten to make sure I had packed everything properly for work.

I ran back home, got my stuff, and made it to lab in decent time. Not on time, but not horribly late either, and Frank was understanding about the situation. Lab was uneventful and all of the questions were pretty standard. I got to talk about referencing towards the end with a handful of students which was pretty cool. I haven’t been able to drop that knowledge on anyone in a while.

I typed up an email to send to Mr. Boss. That’s what we’ll call him. Or maybe Mr. Head Honcho. Yeah. Head Honcho. I’m going with it.

Anyway. I needed to reply to him about the 3D Blitz event and how I am interested in having the event for Hall of Fame, but how I didn’t think it would work very well with the changes to the programs curriculum. I sent my message to both Zane and Frank to get their feedback on it. After a few changes I sent my email off to Head Honcho and banished all thoughts of it from my mind.

I WILL NOT sit and fret over it. And if my brain doesn’t comply with that order then I’ll break out the q-tips. No mercy.

My brother had left me a voice message on my phone asking for information about the school’s master programs. I spent a bit of time typing up a reply for him along with suggested calls to action for him to look into.

By the time I was done with everything email / reply related, because there were other things I needed to do, lab was over and it was time to leave. I packed up and headed out to the car. Since I had wheels I went to Jo Ann’s for the mounting board I needed and more thread for the winter cross stitch I have been working on. I have gone through literally two skeins of thread on this project. To me that’s insane. It’s so close to being done though and I love the way it is coming along. It’s been very therapeutic to work on it, and I think I’m handling this winter season better than previous ones.

I used the gift card my mom got me for my purchase. I have 30 cents left on it. Seriously? You couldn’t give that back to me in change? I felt that was a little silly, but I’m sure there will be a skein of thread that I need for my next project that I can use it on. I wish the store was closer to my apartment. It’s a bit out of the way. But at the same time, if it was any closer I most likely would never have a paycheck. At least not one that went towards rent or anything responsible.

I stopped by the grocery store on my way home to pick up the non-perishable things Zane and I had come up with for the shopping list. Body wash, dish scrubs, paper towels. Stuff like that. By the time I got home it was about 5:30. I wanted to leave the apartment by 6:30 so I could make it to Burger 21 for dinner with David.

Since I had time to I boiled the eggs for tuna and went ahead and opened all of the cans, mixing in the relish, pepper, and mayonnaise. Zane and I chatted for a bit. I put dishes away and cleaned up the kitchen a little.

Before I knew it it was time for me to leave. So much running around. I was glad that I still had the energy to go back out. I didn’t want to ditch on this social event.

I pulled into a parking spot, turned the car off and sent David a message saying, “I’m here : D” just as I got a message from him asking, “Did I win?”

Guess it was a tie.

It was a fantastic evening. Good food and conversation that lasted until 10:30. We both complained about work. I guess things aren’t going very well in his neck of the woods in that regard. It’s not a money thing, more of a work environment thing. If you don’t like where you’re at or what you’re doing it really doesn’t matter how much they pay out. He’s looking for a change, and even though I don’t want him to leave Florida, I mean, who wants their friends to move away?, I hope he finds something that is fulfilling for him.

He’s still interested in the details about the Warrior Dash, so before we parted ways I promised to send him the details and we could plan from there.

Before I drove off I took a second to send a text message to Zane. I had offered to stop and get him something to eat on my way home if he was hungry by then. I didn’t know when I would be back, so it was sort of a nebulous offer, and if he wanted to take me up on it, that was fine.

Only… when I sent the message I didn’t look to see who I was sending the message to… so David got a message saying, “On my way home. I love you. See you shortly.”

“Haha wrong chat?” was my reply.

“Maybe… Pardon me while I die of embarrassment. Score for it being a relatively pg text message.”

We had a good laugh over that, but yeah, that totally happened.

I did message Zane but never got a response from him. When I got home I found him asleep in bed. We cuddle together for a bit. I wasn’t able to sleep deeply though and woke up around 12:30 when he did. We ended up going to Steak and Shake, his idea. I was still tired and wore out from super my super social and productive day, so I didn’t give my self shit for indulging as I sleepily trudged to the car in my pjs. In fact I gave myself bonus points for staying away for the whole car ride.

We came back to the apartment. We ate in the quiet stillness of the living room. No TV or roommates up and about. I went back to sleep afterwards where I slept deeply, soundly. Zane stayed up for a while longer and eventually fell asleep on the couch.

Saturday

Saturday was a slower day than Friday and I was grateful for it. I woke up to Zane and Trevor talking in the living room, but didn’t get out of bed, because why? It’s warm here. /rolls over

Zane came in not long after I woke up. We snuggled for a bit. Other things may or may not have happened… the big take away from this section of my day is that we actually did, eventually, decide to adult for the day and get out of bed. The struggle was real.

We had breakfast together, a routine that we are getting back into and one that I am appreciative of. I don’t know why but it helps with that whole connectedness thing. We spent the morning in the living room where I wrote my prompt page while he worked on the map for the Pathfinder game later that evening.

It was a bright, sunny day. A warm day. A super nice day. But instead of biking I kept the day unrushed and took the car to work again. It gave me another day to dress nice and I enjoyed it. It made it feel like dressing nice the day before wasn’t for David, because it wasn’t, and I’m glad that I could erase the little bit of nagging in the back of my head that said it was.

I can dress like a girl whenever I want to damnit. It doesn’t have to be only when a guy is involved. >.<;

I had a few emails to reply to. Mr. Head Honcho wants to set up a meeting on Tuesday. A student wants to meet with me to talk about facial rigging and corrective blendshapes, so I replied to that email. I’m trying to set something up on Thursday. Clavan wants to have my yearly review on Wednesday… next week is going to be busy, on top of having an abstract piece due for my class. That’s the only thing though since I’ve already done the discussion post. Small mercies.

There was an email about a new class / program for faculty development that will be starting soon. It’s a Women’s Initiative for work which will help develop leadership skills and such specifically for women faculty. It seemed interesting so I asked Clavan if that could be one of my faculty goals for this coming year. I had a reply email saying he didn’t see why not. We’re going to talk more about it on Wednesday.

I cleaned my downloads folder during lab. I got the shopping list figured out the rest of the way. I think it’s going to be a relatively easy week for groceries, which is always cool. I sent David all of the information for my race so we’ll see if he’s interested in waking up at 7am on a Saturday. I got caught up on all of the messages I had on Facebook and my phone, making sure I wasn’t forgetting to reply to someone.

I took the time to clean up my blog a little bit. I’ve been wanting to restructure the menu on my blog for a while. I’ve wanted to make some static pages as well, that’s the Enlightening Leafs section, but have never gotten around to it. Well, no longer. I took the time to actually do it and I’m glad for it. I think it’s easier to navigate now, and I took out some stuff that I wasn’t really using.

I also got ride of a lot of the categories that I no longer use for posting, so when I’m writing my actual posts it’s not as annoying for me to label them. Yay for things being easier.

After lab was done I came home. Zane and I had lunch together while we figured out how the rest of the night was going to go.

His Pathfinder game was going to start at 6. We agreed that pizza would be an easy option for feeding everyone. I ended up sleeping for about 30 minutes to try to recharge before everyone started showing up.

It was a fun game even though my character didn’t do a whole lot. She’s still sort of an NPC at the moment. At least until this first chapter of the story gets done. Originally I wasn’t supposed to be part of this game at all, but one of the things Zane likes about our relationship is that he’s able to share his hobby of table top games with me. Zane understood why I backed out of Trevor’s game. I wasn’t having fun. But that doesn’t change the fact that he wants me to be involved in a game with him.

I was helping develop the storyline for this game and actually put a lot of time and effort into the character that I’m going to be taking over. So it just sort of worked out. I’m not all that involved right now, but I will be in a week or so.

It was pretty cute. There was one encounter where the party found a couple of evil, demon-ish, flesh eating bunnies. One of the characters, I can’t remember who, shot at one of the bunnies and missed, to which Hannah called out, “Oh man. You missed him by a hair.”

I shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did at that, but oh man, was it perfect.

Hannah ended up missing her target as well, but that was ok because the bunny missed her, so she didn’t take damage. Somehow it came up that the bunny missed her by a much larger margin, so everyone was trying to figure out another rabbit pun to go with it.

I had been in the kitchen at the time getting another slice of pizza. “It missed you by leaps and bounds.” I said as I sat down, a sly smile on my face. I was totally proud of myself for that one. There were more groans and laughs while I just kept on smiling. It was a good night. : )

After we called it quits for the game we watched Kung Fury on Netflix. A short, 30 minute movie Hannah had mentioned. Oh my god. My eyes. I don’t even know what I saw. It was so stupid, so mind meltingly ridiculous that it’s its own type of awesome. XD

I didn’t think I would like it at all but I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the shit that happened. It was pretty awesome and if you have 30 minutes that you won’t mind never being able to get back I encourage you to check it out.

Zane and I went to sleep not long after everyone left. We both slept off and on which was annoying. Surprisingly I’m not tired right now and we both got up at 7:30. He got the chance to work overtime this weekend by going in today to test some new systems. We have plans for date day later, so this will be the third day in a row that I’ll be dressing nice. I think I’ll be all girled out by the time today is over and done with.

Please can I go back to my workout clothes and stuff? No more skirts and nice, dressy things? Pretty please?

It rained pretty hard last night. Like, thunder and lightening hard. So now it’s all cold and windy today. Super sunny, but not anything I want to go out and bike in if I don’t have to. So I’m sitting here, writing, and enjoying my coffee instead as I listen to the gusts outside rattle the window.

Another cute thing that happened yesterday… while Zane and I were in the living room before the game we were watching Scarlet. She has her spot on one of the chairs, and it is very obviously “her spot” by all of the cat fur the seat has accumulated.

She was grooming herself, licking her paw and then running it over her face. She started washing behind her ears and I said, “Oh. Cat TV says it’s going to rain.”

Zane was confused so I explained that one of the superstitious things about cats is that when they wash behind their ears it’s supposed to rain, and how even though I know it’s silly, every time I’ve seen it it’s been true.

Zane sort of laughed and said well since Shadow wasn’t washing behind his ears maybe Scarlet was saying that it would rain, just not here.

I waited a whole hour last night for Zane to wake up so I could tell him that Cat TV had been right. He groaned and jokingly said, “I hate you,” as he rolled over.

Jen – 1, Zane – 0

Like I said, it was a good day. Here’s to having another. : )

	Warrior Freya on Explore Eidos Solace: The AI B…
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Warrior Freya

The Earth Dragon Who Could

Month: January 2016

Daily Post 080: Making a Mess Like Pro

Daily Post 079: Feeling Eh on a Day Off is Lame

Prompt Page 007: Things and Stuff

Today’s Topic:
What could I live without?

What would I be willing to give up to help others? Why?

Prompt Page 006: Stealing

Today’s Topic:
Have I ever taken something
I wasn’t supposed to?

Daily Post 078: Yesterday and the Bike Ride Home

Musing Moment 083: Meeting Aftermath

Prompt Page 005: Lies

Today’s Topic:
How comfortable am I with lying?

How comfortable am I with lying?

Are there certain circumstances when I am comfortable telling a lie, and others when I am not?

When was the last time I told a lie?

Does my body language reveal when I am lying?

How good do I think I am at spotting when someone else is lying? What clues do I use?

Prompt Page 004: Everyone’s Talking About It

Today’s Topic:
How much do I gossip?

How much time do I spend every day gossiping, or listening to gossip – whether in person or online?

Do I think gossiping is dangerous?

Do I think I could refrain from gossip for an entire day?

What are some of the consequences of gossip I have observed in my own life?

Daily Post 077: The Dreaded Laundry

Daily Post 076: Routines, Bunnies, and Cat TV

Friday

Saturday