Month: September 2015

Daily Post 0193: Stitch Stitch Stitch

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I’m procrastinating, and of course because of that I have this song stuck in my head. Pardon me while I hunt down the person who showed me this song and make them suffer through unspeakable tortures…

The Procrastination Song

Friday was a great day. I didn’t get school work done. Not surprising. I listened to my book and cross-stitched instead after taking care of the work tasks that need to get done. There weren’t many questions, and the students who did need help asked Frank rather than me, so I was left undisturbed.

I came home and watched Zane play Dishonored for a bit. We made plans to get dinner and to go to Walmart to get a new water filter. Since the only thing I drink at home, for the most part, is water it was a trip that needed to be made. We decided it was best to wait until rush hour was over though.

So at six we went to Moe’s. We had an amazing conversation about education. There’s actually a fairly large percentage of people who still believe the sun revolves around the Earth. I said that if schooling is mandatory, and everything that is taught is to a certain caliber, then how, how, could misinformation like that still be so prevalent?

That led to wondering if any of my accepted “truths” are, in fact, just outdated misinformation, and others think just as harshly of me for having those beliefs. That led to talking about the properties of light, and a weird fungus thing that turns ants into zombies, and then jewel wasps… and then back to the education system… it was great. Brain food for the win.

We retrieved the water filter after eating along with Oreos because those had always been on the list… I had wanted to get the Thin Mint coffee creamer while we were there, since Walmart is the only place I can ever find it. But it wasn’t stocked. Which is totally lame. Instead I got a new one. A coconut cream flavor. It smelled interesting.

I can safely say that I have already tried it and I really enjoy it. So I have gotten rid of the hazel nut. I don’t want to suffer through my coffee. It’s supposed to be an enjoyable experience meant to start my day positively. That led to a conversation about how it would be awesome of we were able to sample items before having to spend money to buy them in bulk. I really don’t like trying new things because I don’t know if it will be a good investment or not.

We ended up watching Psycho-Pass for a while then went to sleep. Very nice, low key day, with a completely clear Saturday to look forward to.

Saturday was good, but different than how I thought it would be.

Uke came over with Ethan, Zane’s other brother. It was the first time I’ve met him. Zane and I didn’t find out they would be over until late Friday night, so the quiet day I had been planning wasn’t going to be as queit as I thought, which was fine.

Uke needed Trevor’s help making some display cabinets for his work, and Ethan was in town and tagging along for fun.

Zane hung out with them for a little bit, but eventually we ended up going to the oriental market to do our grocery shopping. We are super under budget again, which is really nice.

Oh! Zane also got his 100% acceptance letter from the job. He is officially hired and starts October 12th. We went out to celebrate, which led to a conversation about how we have nothing left to celebrate so there isn’t a reason to go out to eat at all this coming week. Even though we’ve had the budget for all the times we’ve gone out, I don’t like how often we have been doing it. It’s suppose to be a treat.

So that’s a goal we have this week. To break the habit we’ve been forming and to not eat out until Friday, which we decided would be a date night for us.

We went to Smokey Bones where I ended up having a burger. He teased me for eating my burger with a fork and knife… I guess I’m weird.

Since we were in that plaza I asked Zane if we could stop by a craft store so I could get more fabric for cross stitching. I realized with the new project that I’m working on that I have nothing to stitch on anymore. How could I have let this happen? It’s like not having pencils to draw with… or a notebook to write a to-do list down in… it’s just sacrilege.

I got more needles while I was there because you can never have too many needles. It was originally going to be $16, but I guess there was a promotion going on and the cashier gave it to me even though I didn’t have the coupon, so it was only a $10 excursion. So much win. <3

I spent most of the evening in the room since literally everyone was in the living room yesterday. I listened to my book and cross-stitched. No Psycho-Pass. I helped Zane when he started cooking dinner. Stuffed squid. I also peeled the shrimp we had gotten.

The squid came out alright. Zane had already started thinking about ways to make it better before he even had the first bite. I teased him about it.

“So. I have this crazy idea. Stay with me on it… How about… You just enjoy it?” XD

He smirked at me and said he was walking away. Pretty sure that was another win for me. I was on a role yesterday.

Eventually Zane went to sleep. I wasn’t all that tired so I finished the cross stitch completely before going and cleaning up the kitchen. I deveined the shrimp, I boiled the eggs and made the tuna. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. I went to the couch, but only managed to nap lightly before Zane came out.

He was awake. We talked about why I wasn’t in bed with him. He said he had felt like it was because he was tossing and turning all night and making it hard for me to sleep. Nope. Just insomnia, and I didn’t want to keep him up with my own tossing and turning. XD

He’s currently asleep on the couch. Stealing my spot and stuff… I’ve had breakfast of a tuna sandwich, I’ve had coffee. I’ve been chatting with a person on OkCupid. It’s been an interesting conversation so far, but much like writing this blog, I’m using it to procrastinate, when really I need to get to work. I have to have my assignment done before the game.

Nothing else is really supposed to happen today. Depending on when I get my assignment done I may start the second part of my craft project. I feel like an evil mastermind every time I think of it. Muahahahaha. It will be marvelous once it is done.

So things are still going ok. I feel like my base line is raising back to it’s normal levels. Not fully there yet, but better than what it has been. Alright. I’m going. I’m going.

Daily Post 0192: Some Much Needed Sunlight

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Yesterday wasn’t without it’s darkness, but in the end was nice and today seems to be a journey on a bright, sunlit path.

I don’t even remember why we fought, but Zane and I did. Badly. That hopeless feeling was consuming everything inside me. The sound of the bedroom door closing when he walked away from me felt like what I would imagine a shotgun wound would feel like in my chest.

For a while I stayed on the couch. There wasn’t thought. There wasn’t anything. I remembered how I had written that I would be proud of my actions from now on. How I wouldn’t stay on the couch all day letting depression kill me. And for a while I couldn’t bring myself to get up. All I could to was think that after everything I have gone through in my life so far that this would be it. This would be the end of my story and it would be a shitty ending.

Worst book ever.

I then started thinking about how I was supposed to stop being a jerk to myself, and that my thoughts were pretty jerkish at the moment.

Hey, by the way, you’re failing even more… failingest failure ever to go along with a shitty ending.

Thanks… Not like I wasn’t feeling crappy enough as it was. You know what? Screw you, Brain. I’m going to feel better just to spite you. Just because it will make a sick, twisted part of me happy to see your plans foiled. Forget you and all of the garbage you constantly throw at me right now. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of this situation.

Eventually I got up, wiping the tears away. I went to the sink, because of course there were dishes to do. I could do that. I can wash stuff, make it clean. I can do something productive.

While I was washing Zane came back out. I was so tense. I wanted to hide, I wanted desperately to not hurt. I wanted for everything to be ok. I wanted for there to be a reason for the hurt, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I still don’t.

He started making a hookah bowl, not speaking. It felt like he was ignoring me, which I couldn’t really blame him. Who wants to deal with emotional BS every awaking moment of everyday?

I bit my lip as breathing became harder. He came to the sink to rinse the stem piece off and I stepped to the side so I wouldn’t be in the way. I didn’t think he wanted to touch me, the distance between us felt like worlds. Universes. So close and yet we couldn’t have been further apart.

He walked away, set the stem down, then came back and wrapped his arms around me, sighing. The touch was gentle and yet it felt like I was being crushed by sadness. He’s going to pull away. He’s going to leave. Don’t take comfort. It’s a lie.

He told me to turn around. I knew he would see the new tears, so I didn’t want to. I tried to not do it, but so much of me wanted this hug. Needed to know that we were ok. I put my head against his shoulder, biting my lip harder, trying to hold it together.

“Everything’s ok,” he whispered in my ear.

And all I could do was cling to him. That’s all I want. To wake up and for things to not be bad. For us to not fight over stupid shit. To not feel like a terrible person, a failure, because not matter what there’s always something that I seem to do wrong. Everyday, something.

After a few minutes of closeness I was better. More composed. At least enough to get a paper towel so I wasn’t an absolute mess. Just mostly a mess. Rational thought returning gradually.

I sat in one of the kitchen chairs while he continued going about making the hookah. We talked. The thing I remember the most is asking why there always had to be a problem.

“What’s wrong? What can I do to make things better?”

Every time we see each other, which in my head is always, he asks me those questions. And every time I’m normally fine, but he doesn’t accept that answer. I’m not smiling. There has to be something wrong, and he keeps poking until I become frustrated, and then he feels attacked, and then I feel bad, and I think that was part of the issue yesterday.

It was supposed to be introvert day for me. He said I could have space, yet every time he came into the living room it was, “Are you ok? Is something wrong? Can I do anything?”

You can go burn in a fire? Is that an ok answer on introvert day?

While we were in the kitchen, talking about the blow up he said that there didn’t have to be a problem, but that he wanted there to be something that he could fix. He wanted there to be something he could do to make me happy because it felt like weeks since he had seen me smile. He said it felt like I have been seriously depressed for so long and he just wanted to help.

I can understand that. How not having something to fight can make you feel useless, helpless. If only there was something to slay. Some evil to conquer.

I told him that all that needs to happen to to let time pass. That I’m in the process of healing on my own, and had actually been feeling better before our spat, but that his constant poking at my wounds makes it sort of hard to heal around his fingers.

He laughed at that, saying it was a pretty good way of putting it.

I said how being around him has become stressful. How he doesn’t feel like that friend I can hang out with on a bad day, playing video games and not having to pretend that things are ok. It doesn’t feel like I can be me. I have to keep up the “act” when I come home. I have to be happy, always. It’s stressful and draining. Nothing is wrong. Nothing needs to be fixed. I just need a safe space where I don’t have to pretend and not have the reality of being sad be a bad thing.

It’s not him. It’s the situation. And I know that gets confusing, because he’s part of the situation. But he’s the one cooking dinner and making sure I eat. He’s only asking if I’m ok because he’s concerned and wants to help. He’s frustrated because he feels like he’s to blame, and when he tries to “fix” things it seems to become worse.

We all want something to blame. We want a thing to be responsible. As humans we want, need, something tangible. But sometimes there isn’t a “thing”. Sometimes it’s just life. Sometimes it’s a concept, and neboulous collections of thoughts and events outside of your control.

Sometimes it’s just the path you’re on and the only way to get through it is to keep going, even though it sucks. You can’t turn back, so the only choice is to keep going forward through the vines and thorns, getting scrapped up and bloodied. Yeah, we may be on this path because of our choices, and it’s painful and we’ll have new scars, but at least we’re on it together. We’re making it through together.

We ended up smoking a hookah with a mint water basin and rose shisha. It was a new mix, I think I like the chia tea mix more though.

So after all of that he ended up watching Critical Roll on my laptop in the living room while I finished listening to Dragonflight and kept working on my new cross-stitch. I finished the first book and began Dragonquest actually. Not sure how far I am into the book, but I’m enjoying re-listening to the story.

I ended up being in a fairly stable place when I went into work. There was more news about the changes in the meeting yesterday, and I guess the school is altering the way lectures are  going to be conducted. I don’t know how that is going to affect the lab schedule, but I know Clavan will do his best to not have the lab staff screwed over, so I’ll just wait to see what happens with that. I’ll know in about a week. Hard to believe the month is almost over. That it’s already Friday.

Zane and I watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass when I got home, and afterwards we both went to sleep, together, in the same room, in the same bed. The first time in about a week. I woke up a handful of times, but was able to get back to sleep each time. I woke up around 9, decided that 9am sucked, and went back to sleep until 10:30.

John and Trevor were gone already. I had my coffee in the living room alone eating a handful of strawberries for breakfast while Zane checked his email.

Today is supposed to be a low day. Take care of the storage unit, go to sports bar, go to work, work on homework, come home. The end.

Tomorrow Zane and I are supposed to have a “game day” most likely consisting of watching the rest of Psycho-Pass. No obligations. No people. No social stuff. Just chilling and decompressing because I mentioned how Sundays don’t feel like days off for me anymore. They’re the days for Pathfinder games. They’re a social obligation now, and in a way that sucks. They’re fun, but a stress at the same time. At least when I don’t have any other days to offset the social aspect of work and the game. I need a quiet day and I’ve been neglecting that.

So that’s what tomorrow is supposed to be. I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to going home today.

I have already taken care of the storage unit issue. They actually fixed it for me without my knowing, so when I went into the store it was an amazingly fantastic surprise. The problem took care of itself. The Universe does still love me, and some things can actually get solved easily.

So not only did I have a good morning with good coffee creamer (because I opted not do use the hazel nut today), but the worst thing I had to get done today was actually most likely the easiest thing on my list.

I’m currently at my sports bar, my food staring at me uneaten as I write. I’m almost done with my blog with 2% left on my battery life, because I’m a bawce like that. I have all of the information I need for my assignment so if I can get that into a rough layout I can save formatting for tomorrow or, more likely, Sunday, before the game.

And past that it will be over 24 hours of whatever Zane and I choose to do. I feel relief, I feel better. I have an idea for a project that I want to do for some really special people in my life, and that gives me motivation. I have a purpose right now, something I’m working towards, and that makes me feel good.

I have a new theme song playing over and over in my head since last night. The lines that speak most deeply to me are, “Stand unafraid,” and “How can you expect to win the war if you’re too afraid to fight?”

Soft Skeletons – Anberlin

I’m looking forward to today. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

I’m not afraid to fight. I may still have darkness to travel through, but today I’m going to enjoy the sunshine. It’s not dark all the time, and today is a reminder of that. It’s worth the struggle.

Musing Moment 0058: A Special Thank You

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I wanted to take a moment to write to some really awesome people. People that I’ve never met. People I’ve never spoken to. But people who have made a difference in my life. People I’m grateful for, and I want them to know that.

I want them to know that they matter to me and that their kindness, the time they take out of their days to not only read my posts, but to comment, share their experiences with me, their offers of support and encouragement, it makes a difference.

Ally

You were my first blogging buddy on here. I’m not sure if you knew that. But you were. You were the first person that I connected with after I recreated my blog and I will always be grateful that we were able to build a friendship across all of the distance between us.

I don’t have to meet you in “real life” to know that you’re an amazing person. I can see it in your posts on your blog. I can see it in your comments on my own posts. You’re full of so much kindness and warmth. Keep shinning and being you because the world needs more awesomeness like you. : )

Seven Years

I’m not going to lie. I cried when I read your last comment on my blog. It was pretty adorable looking back at it this morning.

I was in the living room with Zane poking at my computer while I was waiting for my new book to sync on my phone. With a few minutes to kill I switched to my blog to see what was going on since Google told me there was a new comment.

It was your comment saying that you made an origami crane for me. And that it was the most beautiful one in your box so far. I was so touched. Thank you so much. Thank you for all of your advice and support over the past few days that I haven’t replied to.

I love your comments. They aren’t out of line, and I hope you don’t worry about upsetting me when you post them. I cherish them, and I’m sorry I’ve been pretty slack about replying to them in a timely fashion. I’m sorry I haven’t started making the origami cranes myself yet, but I promise, when I do the first one will be for you.

Thank you for thinking of me. For making a crane for me. For being such a fantastic and loving person. Thank you for letting me know that you understand how I feel and that I’m not alone because sometimes that’s the hardest thing to remember in the darkness.

Mama Spike

You inspire me, Mama Spike. I enjoy reading your blog. I enjoy reading how I’m not the only one who geeks out over office origination stuff and efficiency. How my to-do lists aren’t the only ones filled with colored marks because the normal ones are so boring and bland.

I can relate to Life being different than you thought it would be. I always wish the best for you and Spike and the girls. You all deserve happiness.

I’m reminded of the quote, “You may not always get what you want, but normally you get what you need.” It may be different for both of us, but different doesn’t inherently mean bad, does it?

Keep kicking ass and taking names like the badass you are. I’m cheering for you.

Shrew

I love how outspoken your blog is. I love the pictures and memes you post because they make me smile. I love the passion you have and that you continued to blog even though people disagreed with it.

I love how you show it’s ok to not be perfect, how life is about effort and doing your best. I love how you had a breakthrough rather than a breakdown. How you’re putting yourself first and learning and how you are sharing that journey for others to see. Others who may feel trapped, or lost, or alone.

You are a light. You shall not be silenced. And I love that about you. Keep being free.

I know this may be sort of sappy and maybe even a little creepy since I’m just some random Internet stranger. But I wanted you all to know that you have made a difference in my life, and I am grateful for that difference.

Thank you. For everything, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Daily Post 0191: Just Another Day

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It’s later than what I want, but in the scheme of things today isn’t any different from the previous mornings I’ve woken up on. It’s 10:30. I’ve cleaned the kitchen already of last nights dishes. The stove top needs to be scrubbed but at the moment I’m too tired of cleaning up after other people to bring myself to do it. Maybe later.

I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 3 am when I came out to the living room. And even then I think I was awake for about another hour or so. I couldn’t sleep. It was annoying, and I still woke up at 9am.

I didn’t do much yesterday. That seems to be the mantra of my blog. I went to work. I made small talk with a few of the people I saw in the hall, and was proud of myself for being able to maintain myself. I listened to my Spotify list and cross stitched after wasting part of my life on Facebook.

There was a department meeting yesterday, but since Frank and I were running lab, we had to pick only one of us to go. Frank ended up being the sacrificial offering since I went to the meeting last month.

Frank had asked if I wanted to be there, since I used to champion going to the meetings. But this time was different. I said that I honestly didn’t care. They never have information that justifies the lab staff being present. It’s a waste of time, and right now, with how disenchanted I am with the system, I would rather stab my eyes out, or set the conference room on fire in a brilliant display of how useless the room actually is, rather than sit through another pointless, useless meeting where the suggestions and ideas that could help make the environment better get shot down.

Next month the new changes to the curriculum are supposed to hit Shading and Lighting. I wonder how that will go. It’s still about six months to go before it affects my class. I don’t know what will be happening to Seth and David. And I still don’t know how it is actually being incorporated into the second half of the program because no one tells us anything. They just assume that some how we’ll figure it out.

I may be irrationally frustrated with work at the moment… my bad.

I got further with my cross stitch and with Dragonflight, but I wasn’t able to finish either before work was done.

I saw Eileen, the course director for Character Animation, while I was leaving. We chatted for a bit, and it was actually genuine conversation. It made me feel a bit better. We talked about the changes to the program and my Digital Arts and Design degree. She, herself, is interested in taking classes and was glad to have had the chance to talk to me about it since I gave her honest feedback about the workloads.

I cross stitched a bit more when I got home while listening more to my book, and actually got the project finished. I’ll try to have the motivation to scan both of my finished pieces on Friday when I’m near a scanner.

I’ve already picked out and started a new one. I like this one. I think it will be good to work on it. Zane cooked dinner while I hung out in the kitchen chatting with him. We ate dinner then watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass. We ended up having a spat, which might have led to my inability to sleep.

I work at 9pm tonight. I’m hoping I can nap at some point today.

Zane had an email saying the only thing they are waiting on is the background check to clear. That may be later today or tomorrow.

The thought of having to go into work makes me feel defeated before the day even begins. At least I don’t have to work this Saturday. I keep forgetting that. I wish that made a difference, but it doesn’t.

Zane asked what I wanted to do today. I asked if it would be bad if I wanted to be introverted and anti-social. His answer was that wasn’t bad at all. We could totally be introverted and anti-social together.

Yes… but can I do those things alone?

Oh…

I feel like the mood killer right now. A large part of me misses having my own room at the moment. A door that I could close. A small space that was purely my own that no one else was allowed into.

Right now it’s not so bad. I’m in the living room. Zane is still asleep. I think Trevor is as well. John has already left for work, so really it’s just me and that cats, chillin’. My coffee is getting cold in front of me. It’s the hazel nut creamer this morning. I’ve decided that I’ll finish it. I don’t want it to be wasted and no one else drinks coffee here. Because they’re aliens.

Nothing else really to say. I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been completing the challenge since I gave up on it last week. I haven’t been making my origami cranes or caring about what I eat.

Just another day where I wake up and feel accomplished for the fact that I keep going.

Daily Post 0190: I Went to Waffle House

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At the moment I’m feeling ok.

Work was rough. There is a turn in soon. David is back though, so it wasn’t as bad as the previous lab. I don’t know why but it feels like the end of the week already. If only it were.

Rather, if only it were the end of the week and that actually meant something for me because I don’t get weekends off, or any day really, so there really isn’t a point to wanting it to be the end of the week in the first place. /sigh

Coffee this past week has been sort of lame. I got a hazel nut coffee creamer. It tastes kind of like Christmas. I don’t really like it. I don’t know why, but my mouth just doesn’t want it. I got a container of the peppermint mocha one that I like. Normally I don’t begin a new container until the old one is gone, but I’m sort of breaking that rule right now and I’m left wondering if I should dump the hazel nut because I really would rather not finish it. That’s pretty wasteful though, and I would be bothered by that.

I need to make a decision on what to do before too long. I’m already pretty tired with wasting mental energy on it.

Zane made the stir-fry last night. I peeled and deveined the shrimp, and the veggies were already cut up from the other morning. We watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass before I went into work. It’s getting interesting. Not to the point of Ergo Proxy where I have to watch the next episode or I would have died, but good nonetheless.

I wasn’t able to get a lot of stitching done yesterday after Zane woke up. I only have some backstitching left to do, and finishing off two letters at the bottom of the piece. I would like to finish it today, but I’m not making myself any promises.

Luis got an art test yesterday. No, not just an art test. A super awesome, “holy-shit I can’t believe that company is talking to you, that’s amazing!” art test. It doesn’t seem to be that hard of one either. That being said, he’s putting the certification on hold until he’s done with the test, which I can understand. He said if I wanted I could do the test alone instead of waiting for him. I might do that. I really want to take the test this month. That way I can move on to the Professional Certification. Maybe that can be next month.

Zane and I ended up not doing the drug test yesterday. That was frustrating. The test center he needed to go to ended up being a different one than the one he told me, which isn’t bad, but I don’t like not knowing where I’m going. I’m trusting someone else to not get me lost, so that was off to a bad start. It was raining for another thing, and I really didn’t feel like being out in the rain, or driving in it. The center was only open until three and it was two already, so I felt a little rushed. And, to top it off, once we had finally been able to cross across traffic to get out of the apartment complex parking lot Zane realized he had forgotten his paperwork, and at that point if we turned around we wouldn’t be able to make it to the center before it closed….

Meh. Too depressed to care.

We ended up going to a Waffle House to eat. That’s the last of the money for being under budget.

It was the Waffle House that I would go to with Mother Earth. I cried a little when I told Zane about it. How I had parked in the exact same parking spot three months after her and Josh had moved away and broke down. How I had been unable to go inside because I missed them so much.

I still do. I still cried in the parking lot. I still hope they are doing well and that one day Mother Earth and I can repair the relationship I feel I have broken. It feels like shattered, broken pieces of spiky glass inside my chest. I don’t know where to begin with it because all of it hurts.

I don’t think she reads my blog anymore. With how depressing it’s been lately I wouldn’t blame her. I hope married life is going well for her. I hope things are better.

I hope she knows that I still miss her.

So that was a little hard yesterday. I did go inside. An empty worn out shell of a person. But I did it. I wonder if that’s healing.

When I got home from work I ate, watched a few YouTube videos with Zane, cleaned the kitchen, then went to bed. He stayed up for a bit, so when he came into the room I once again woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I ended up on the couch again with Shadow, Zane’s cat, as a cuddle buddy.

I’ve already had breakfast of leftover stir-fry. I’m working on my coffee. I know that sounds like a weird combination. Don’t judge me. >.<;

Zane is off to get the drug test taken care of. I let him take my car, which I’m wondering if that’s worth the stress. I’m internally freaking out that he’ll get into a wreck, that I won’t be able to get to work, that I’ll be left with a $10k loan for a car minus the car. I’m worried that he’ll get hurt when he doesn’t have health insurance. And at the same time I’m worried that he won’t get hurt and I’ll be able to kill him myself…

Blah, so much thought. If only I could go back to sleep and not worry about it.

One of the things he had to do for the job offer was have his credit history checked. That caused him some stress because his credit right now is pretty awful. He was honest about it in the interview, and he didn’t see a reason why they would deny him based solely on credit. But it was nerve wracking for him.

This morning he had an email saying his credit check was fine. So the only hurtle that’s left is the drug test, and since he doesn’t binge nightly on cocaine I think we’re in the clear.

Today is Shading and Lighting. I plan to work on schoolwork again. I need to finish off my reading for the week and begin work on the brochure. Finishing the cross stitch would be nice. Reading more of Dragonflight would be cool, too.

That’s about all I have on my agenda though. Maybe boiling eggs for the tuna. And I’m going to stop there because I know myself. I’ll keep finding little things to keep adding to my list until it’s a mountain that towers above me. I’m up, and I’ll be showered before going to work. That’s a good day in my book.

Daily Post 0189: Monday Blues

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I’ve been awake for a while now. Almost three hours at the time I’m starting this. I’ve had a bottle of water. I eventually ate because my body wouldn’t let me keep cross stitching otherwise. Talk about being a jerk… It’s not like I was doing something or anything…

Sunday was a good day. The game was a lot more fun that it has been in the past few sessions. More role-playing and such. Which sort of bothered me, because I thought it was a good game, while Zane was frustrated with it.

Can we never agree on something? Jeez.

Either way, I ended up going to sleep before the game ended since our character wasn’t involved in what was going on and I was passing out on the couch.

Something of interest to note. John mentioned that he may be moving out to live with his girlfriend. There’s a part of me who’s super excited about that since currently when I go to the fridge I’m baffled as to where I’m going to be able to put any of our food this week. There’s a lot of little things that John does that I find inconsiderate. His cats also like to attack Scarlet when I’m not around. The thought of Chinese food for dinner has crossed my mind more than once, and I refuse to feel bad about that.

I don’t like saying bad things about people, but the longer I’m around John the less I think of him. I feel like, aside from the financial issues between Zane and myself, the rest of the stress I feel in the apartment stems from John. Over half the living room is full of his stuff, which is why I had to get the storage unit to begin with. Over half the cabinets in the kitchen are again, filled with his stuff, most of which isn’t used. The whole reason we have the mini fridge is because he has so much alcohol which was being kept in the main fridge that there wasn’t space for food. And now that there’s space, he’s using almost all of it, so much so that Trevor, Danielle, Zane and I never know if there will be space enough for the groceries we buy.

It’s mildly frustrating. First world problems and all of that…

Still, if he leaves, all of that is solved. So there is a calculating part of me who is hoping in the next few weeks that actually happens. It would free up the master bedroom for either Trevor to take over, or for Zane and I to move into, which is what I’m really hoping for since Danielle doesn’t pay rent, but I do, and Zane will be once he starts getting paychecks.

There’s a handful of points which need to be brought up as far as the apartment goes, such as splitting rent evenly rather than having one person pay utilities and everyone else doing rent. Right now it isn’t set up to be fair. There’s a lot of things still up in the air though, so there’s not much point in bringing anything up now. We’ll see how it plays out. I do have a vision of how I want it to go though.

I was able to get my homework done Sunday, which was fun. I used the assignment as a way to finish fleshing out the elvish race Zane is going to be using for his next campaign. It’s still a few months off since we have Trevor’s game and Uke’s game going on. So many games. >.<;

My instructor is on vacation this week so I’m not sure when I’ll get my grade for the assignment, but I feel I did fairly well, and I think I went more in-depth than what she is normally used to.

Yesterday, Monday, was hard. I had a lot of dreams that I can’t clearly remember. I know one was about moving into the master bedroom and having it be smaller than the room Zane and I are currently in, so there was even less space for our things. There was another one. I know there was, but it’s so fuzzy that all I can remember is that it left me feeling unsettled. All of them did. So I woke up sort of iffy.

I spent most of the morning prepping food for dinner. Cutting up veggies, making oatmeal so there would be breakfast for the next few days, playing Tetris in the fridge…

When I was hungry I went to the bedroom to wake up Zane so we could have breakfast before I had to leave for work. We talked for a bit about the room and the news that John may be leaving.

Zane ended up checking his email. There was a message from the call center recruiter that he’s been talking with. They are increasing his offer so he’ll be making $30k a year. $14 an hour. That’s almost as much as me, and a full dollar more than the initial offer. That was fantastic news.

There were a few things he needed to do online, and a drug test we’re supposed to take him to today. But other than that, things are looking amazing. He mentioned how he couldn’t believe this and I told him that we deserve this. We’ve earned this.

That being said, I had a really rough go of it yesterday.

As the conversation tapered off I started staring into space letting my mind wander, and of course it couldn’t stay on happy topics. I started thinking about how things are looking up, so Zane will most likely become more social, and how since we are in a open, polyamours relationship that he will most likely begin to meet other people. Which led to me thinking about how he’ll find someone better, more emotionally stable since I’m a basket case right now. And it just sort of sucked from there.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another…

Can I please not have self worth issues right now? I would totally be ok with not having to deal with that at the moment…

I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel like I’m slacking off on the gym, eating healthily, and that my constant emotional swings annoy me, let alone the people around me. I don’t feel all that worth-while as a companion. I still feel sick and weak. Under normal conditions the thought of my partner being with someone else doesn’t bother me. But right now the thought brings up worries and feelings of inadequacy. Abandonment.

And that, that one word, hurts more than anything else. More than the thought of Zane never getting a job again. Even just thinking about it makes my chest tight in an irrational, instinctual response.

I hate thinking of myself as “a chick with daddy issues,” but when you boil everything down, I guess that’s what it is. My dad left. He lied. He did a lot of things that I still hold resentment over, which isn’t healthy or fair of me, but there you go.

My dad was human, and he made mistakes and I understand that. But there’s still that little girl inside me who is vulnerable and the thought of someone else leaving me, abandoning me, fills me with this terror that I don’t know how to control. Blind panic. It doesn’t help that some of my past relationships have done things to instigate those feelings.

The morning wasn’t all that bad. I eventually showered and went to work where I was able to get through most of the homework for this week. I only have the final assignment left, and even that I have all of, or at least a majority of, the information I needed to gather, so now I just need to make a travel brochure.

When I came home I ended up going to the bedroom and curling up in bed. Zane hugged me and wanted to know what was wrong, and I said that I just felt really sad. I wanted to be alone, and I think that had more to do with not having any real alone time for a while. I stayed in the room for a few hours cuddled up with Scarlet, but eventually I came out and cuddled with Zane on the couch.

He scooted over so I could lie next to him, his chest against my back while I hugged a pillow. We talked about what I felt. The “abandoned” word was mentioned. We talked about our dynamic. It hurt to talk about it. It hurt a lot to admit to those feelings and thoughts because they made me feel weak.

I hate how I feel like I’m weaker than what I was. I asked Zane if he thought I had changed, if he felt I was a different person than the one he had first talked to, or from when I first moved in.

He said no. He didn’t think I had changed, but that I was reacting to a stressful situation. I don’t feel like this is inherently who I am. I feel like I am in constant battle with the situation, but also with myself.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do about work. I keep thinking about leaving actually, but those are just fantasies about how good it would feel to throw quitting into the school’s face. I’m unhappy there and it’s feeding into the overall whole of everything. Something needs to change in that area, I just haven’t figured out what yet.

I fight with myself about the gym and eating. I know I should eat, but I don’t want to. And when I do eat I know I should eat better food, but I don’t care. I aught to go to the gym, but there are people, I’m tired, the class I want isn’t going on, etc.

Depression isn’t sexy. I don’t feel attractive. I feel like wearing baggy pjs whenever I’m home, and doing a bunch of relative nothing, which is what I do most of the time. I am definitely not the poster child for physical, mental, or spiritual health. If anything I’m the poster child for the recovering introvert, burrito blanket and all.

I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to find another person who would want to go out and do things because sitting at home in silence is boring.

We talked about how it feels like we aren’t dating and how when he mentions dating other people it makes me wish that we would date. How it feels like we’re the old, grouchy married couple and he’s going to go find a mistress who he can have fun with, to which he said I was being silly.

Maybe I am.

We haven’t gone to a movie, or done anything ‘date’ related since Zane lost his job. We get food, sure. But we don’t go out with the intention of ‘this is a date’. We’ve stopped exploring each other. And for a while there wasn’t the intimacy that I wanted, I may even begrudgingly say need.

And I don’t mean intimacy in a purely sexual sense. The cuddling, holding, the connectedness. I need that more than sex. I need affection because that’s one of the main differences between my relationships with my companions and the rest of the world.

I don’t let people hug me. I don’t cuddle or share deep, dark insecurities with everyone. Unless it’s online with my blog… because for some reason putting it online is easier than sitting across from someone and admitting to being flawed.

Seriously, if anyone ever wanted to psychologically destroy me they would only have to read a handful of posts… I’m basically handing the world a loaded gun, putting a neon flashing arrow above my head and begging for a headshot.

Here! Shoot me here!

Anyway, all that aside, I didn’t keep it bottled up yesterday. Zane held me on the couch while I picked my way through the emotions, answer questions when he asked them, and responded to his comments. Being near him helped. A lot. I didn’t really cry, though there were tears. It’s hard to explain.

Strong emotions manifest as water from my eyeballs. Even anger / rage. So for me, it’s not that I was really crying, because I wasn’t sobbing or anything. I could still talk even though sometimes it was hard. Sometimes it was hard to breathe around the pain in my chest because the feelings were so intense. But I was able to handle myself. I was able to communicate. And for me that’s not the same as crying even though there are tears in both situations.

I didn’t fight against the tears. I let them be there and I didn’t give myself shit for it. It felt good to let the emotions go, falling away, running down onto the couch or into the pillow. It didn’t seem as hard to breathe by the time we were done talking.

Bobby came over to help Trevor with something and to play Fluxx. We ended up going to Arby’s for dinner, which I was ok with even though I shouldn’t be because that’s spending money. Since we’re under budget for groceries and because I didn’t feel like cooking I went with it.

It was a nice outing and I’m glad I went.

When we came back to the apartment I went to the room where I cross stitched and began listening to Dragonflight. I’ve read the book before, but for some reason I want to read it again. Or rather listen to it this time. I am really enjoying the person reading the book. He’s very expressive in his voices.

I was able to finish one cross stitch completely, and am almost done with another. I came out of the room for a little bit and watched a few games of Fluxx being played by everyone else, then went back to the room. Eventually Bobby left and everyone else went to sleep. I transferred the book to my phone and came out to the living room where I cross stitched while Zane worked on some of the rules for his campaign.

We ended up doing laundry as well.

I fell asleep before it was done, and woke up alone. When I woke Zane up this morning he mentioned how he had felt like he couldn’t come back to the room because he didn’t want to wake me up. The past few times he has done that I haven’t been able to get back to sleep, and I’m such a light sleeper that there’s no way for him to come into the room without me waking up.

I feel a little bad about that, but it’s not like I can change it. So I don’t know where that leaves me.

Zane is still asleep. I’m not sure when he went to bed so I’m letting him sleep until he wakes up. I’ve been finishing off the cross stitch and listening to my book more. Currently it is raining outside which I’m ok with.

I work to night at 9pm. Not really looking forward to it, but it could be worse.

I think I’m going to take all of December off from work. I have the time for it. I think that will be my reward for this year.

And with that I’m all written out. Time to go back to Pern.

Daily Post 0188: Rainy Sunday

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I’ve been up for a few hours. It’s a lazy Sunday. A rainy Sunday. The Pathfinder game is later tonight, around 6ish, so there’s still hours of downtime to do whatever I want. Which, once again, is nothing. : D

Yesterday was nice. I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be super, ridiculously productive two days in a row. I curled back up in bed with Zane for a little bit. He groggily chatted with me as we tried to piece together our day.

We ended up going grocery shopping together at an oriental market, something we’ve been wanting to do for a few months now.

It was a little tense between us and we both agreed it was because we’re both introverted and were in a new place, and we really didn’t know what we were doing. It wasn’t a bad experience, overall I think it was actually really good. We were just on edge a bit more than normal and I think we were picking that up from each other. Sort of like feeding off of it.

It’s interesting being involved with another INFJ. There are some really awesome things about it, like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own. And then there are some really annoying things about it… like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own…

But it works out, because the same can be said for him. Muahahaha. >:3

Anywho, the market was super awesome in my book, and I’m looking forward to going back there again. I couldn’t read half of the things they had, but their prices are amazing, and they had such a variety of things. We got most of our groceries for the week for $50, including several things that weren’t on the list, like squid for calamari, and a package of fresh spring rolls so I could have them for lunch.

We still had to go to Publix for the cat litter, coffee creamer (which I rate above getting gas for the car as far as level of importance goes), body wash, and a few other things. We ended up spending almost as much at Publix for about half the number of items. That sort of puts things into perspective as far as corporate America screwing around with prices.

We’ve been wanting to make more oriental dishes, though, since both Zane and I enjoy that type of cuisine. So maybe there will be a shift in our routine. We’re supposed to research and find things we want to try making. Sushi is on my list.

This week we’re going to be making a shrimp stir-fry and Zane’s amazing sriracha chicken for dinner meals. I really aught to write the recipe down and add it to my Allrecipes account…

The oatmeal is almost gone, so we’ll still be working through that for breakfast, and since we didn’t make the tuna last week we’ll mostly be doing that for lunches.

Right now we’re doing well on the food budget. The past month I have only used half of the gas budget. And with the news about the job, there’s an end to the strain in sight.

I think I’m starting to accept that things will get better. I think I’ve also come to terms with the fact that just because I might not get to my goal with the card right now doesn’t mean that my life is ending.

I read a pretty awesome article which talked about failure. It resonated with me and it helped me with being able to accept my feelings. They’re not all that unfounded. In fact, they’re pretty normal, which always seems to be the hardest thing for me.

I almost always feel like I’m overreacting, blowing things out of proportion. Other people have issues so much worse than mine, so how can I justify feeling so bad about myself and my efforts.

But this article equated the end of a dream to the end of a relationship. If you are truly invested in someone(thing) and pour time and effort into it, envision your future with it, then it is normal to feel bad if it ends. All of that time, all of that energy, all of those dreams, gone. It hurts. It’s normal for it to hurt. And it’s normal to have a period of time to grieve and adjust. To figure out how you’re going to move forward without that future you saw for yourself.

That may seem a bit extreme to some people, but like I said, it resonated with me, and I think it helped me move past the grief stage of my goal.

My brain: Ok. So we won’t be able to do what we want, when we want, how we want. That sucks. A lot. And it’s ok that it sucks. It’s even ok to be depressed about it for a little while.

It’s not ok to sit here for the rest of forever stewing about it. Eventually I need to move on and find other dreams / goals to put my time into.

So. Since I can’t change the money situation right now, I’m going to stop worrying about it. Zane and I are doing good. I’m keeping track of what Zane wants to pay me back for. We’re supporting each other and we’re making it through this. We were ok. We are ok. And we’ll continue to be ok.

So that’s where I’m at. I feel like part of the burden I had been feeling is been removed. Not all of it, but a lot of it. And not because the situation has changed. I feel like the expectations I have for myself have shifted, which is why only part of the stress is gone.

With the current situation, paying off the card is unreasonable. Taking another job is going to leave me even more tapped out than I currently am, which won’t solve anything. I don’t think with how burnt out I would feel that paying off the card would be worth it at that point. And to be honest I’m not all that jazzed about the job to begin with. I don’t think having something I’m less than thrilled about eat away at more of my precious time would bode well.

When making a pros / cons list, I don’t think the pros out weigh the cons, so I guess I don’t want my goal as bad as I say I do. Or maybe it’s just realistic that I’m human and at some point there is a breaking point, and on a self preservation level I don’t want to break.

Whatever the case may be, I’m changing my focus instead of trying to reach for a goal that I feel is unattainable right now.

Irrational Self: This was your one goal for the year. You have to get it. Your livelihood depends on this.
Rational Self: But I can’t right now. It’s literally not possible.
Irrational Self: Try harder! Otherwise you’re a failure.

That’s not a healthy mentality, especially if to reach that goal I would have to sacrifice things like time for schoolwork, the gym, and sleep. Priorities and goals need to shift as life shifts, and I was resisting shifting mine. Like, hardcore, “you’re being stupid about this” resisting.

Well, no longer I guess. I will change goals. For real this time. The card will get done when it gets done, and right now I can’t make it happen faster. So lets move on to something else.

… Which brings the next question… What do I move on to?

Not surprising, I haven’t made it that far in my revelations this morning. There’s a “one cup of coffee per epiphany” rule I have to abide by.

So maybe that’s what I’ll do today. Figure out what I can start working on to move me forward a different goal.

…

So that was a really long tangent through my brain… my bad.

Back to talking about shopping and oriental markets. : D

When we got back from shopping we put the food away and finished watching Hot Fuzz. I actually really enjoyed the movie and I’m glad Zane “forced” me to watch it. We took a nap afterwards since I had to stay awake all night for work.

I was alone again for the lab last night, and this time there were tons of questions. By the time my shift was over I was ready to not see another person. Afterwards I stayed in the lab room for an hour decompressing in silence before packing up and going home.

Zane had cooked parmesan chicken for dinner. We were supposed to have the calamari with it, but he forgot that we had gotten it. XD

Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to make it for snacky stuff later today.

It was still a good dinner regarless. Mostly because I didn’t have to make any of it. At 1am pretty much any food put in front of me is awesome in my book.

To make it even better, Zane said that he was going to clean the kitchen before going to sleep since it was literally a disaster, something my brain refused to process when I walked through the door.

My brain: You see no evil. There is no evil. Walk past the evil that isn’t there. >.>;

We watched a few more episodes of Psycho-Pass, then I went to bed.

Zane came in a while later. I don’t know when. But he stole the pillows away from me, and the blanket I was cuddling with… Because he’s a jerk… Grr…

He’s not really. He always teases me because when I’m in bed alone I horde all of the pillows, and most of the sheets / blanket. They’re soft and comfy and not being used. I don’t want them to get lonely or anything… I’m just being considerate. You know… taking one for the team and stuff. No pillow deserves to feel lonely.

So I was all bundled up in my “nest” when he came to bed, which meant he had to wake me up to be able to get his pillow away from me. That led to teasing and mostly fake grumpiness on my part, which ended in amazing cuddles with his chest pressed against my back, his arm across my torso, and his tired voice whispering good night in my ear.

All of the warm fuzzy feelings r belong to me. <3

The kitchen was mostly cleaned when I woke up. Some dishes were left since they didn’t fit into the dishwasher, but the dishwasher had been run, so I unloaded it, reloaded it, and wiped down the counters. I’ve had my coffee, I’ve gone through my email, and I’ve sat and enjoyed the rainy, dreary morning in silence while everyone else sleeps.

Today feels like a day for introspection.

… And homework… Arg. Responsibility, why do you torment me so?

Daily Post 0187: End In Sight

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It’s Saturday. The weekend. Most people are out doing things and enjoying their time away from work. I am sitting in front of my computer, counting down the hours until I have to go in for my shift.

I’m sitting here thinking that there’s most likely stuff I should be doing. I’m thinking that I want to not work 6 days a week and how accepting an additional job would not help with that. I’m thinking that constantly covering for a class other than my own sucks.

Meh.

I guess I should tag this with a warning that it’s most likely going to be a whiny post because that’s the mood I woke up in.

But first… Yesterday was great.

I finished my test booklet yesterday. I talked to Luis about how I wanted to take the test soon. He’s going to buy the book and try to work through it as well. Hopefully this coming weekend we can do that.

I wonder if I’ll feel any different for getting the certification. I don’t think I will. I don’t think it will really feel like an accomplishment. Maybe it would have if I had done it right after graduation. But having as much experience as I do, this base level certification feels beneath me. Maybe I’ll feel more accomplished when I test for the Professional Certification.

I talked to my mom while I did laundry yesterday. That helped. I wrote out my to-do list at the Laundromat and began picking away at it. Calling her was one of my tasks. We talked for a while. I explained how Wednesday was really, insanely hard. I explained how Thursday was the interview for Zane. We talked about her trip to see my brother, about the house selling, and how her mail wasn’t be forwarded properly. It was a good conversation.

I had lunch at my sports bar. I actually started editing my podcast while I was there. I got all of the bills paid. I got the money order for Trevor from the bank. I cleaned out my notebook and got that organized again.

I went to work where Frank got a call about his son being sick, so I ran both labs by myself. Since Shading and Lighting isn’t my normal class I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to run it on my own. But I did really well. I was able to answer every question for both labs. And the second one only had two out of five people show up.

I got my podcast finished after three hours of fighting with it. Final Cut Pro has an issue where sometimes you’ll get green frames in your video. There’s a way to fix it, but it involves deleting files and waiting for the project to rerender. It’s not hard. It just takes time. So for most of those three hours I was sitting there waiting. Which was frustrating.

But… I did end up getting it done and posted online.

That was when I moved on to finishing the last chapter and a half of my certification booklet. From there I began work on my new digital painting.

I talked to Tre for a little bit. We were going to try to talk on Skype, but something came up for him and we weren’t able to.

I got a message from Zane about an hour into my first lab saying that he heard back from the call center. He got the job.

It still doesn’t feel real. I think I’m happy. At least, if I were feeling anything I know that’s what I would be feeling. Relief. Hopeful. Proud maybe? Right now I’m still walled up inside myself. Bunkered down and waiting for the fallout. It’s too good to be true.

And I feel like a bad person for that. I should be happy. I should be sharing in this sense of accomplishment. We have an end in sight. A real one.

Right brain: Feel like a winner, a survivor damn it. Feel good or I’ll beat you until you do.

Left brain: *computes* … Logically that won’t work…

Right brain: / screams in frustration and goes on an irrational killer rampage

Either way, I offered to get pizza for dinner and to watch movies with him. So that’s what we sort of did. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the car, then stopped at an ABC store to get a bottle of black cherry rum.

Yep… drinking happened. It was fantastic

We went together to pick up the pizza, came back home, then started watching Hot Fuzz. It’s pretty amusing so far. But after a cup of cherry Pepsi with rum I was ready to call it quits for the night.

Me: Woooo! Lets drink and party!
Two minutes later
Me: Ok. Party’s over. Bed time.

And that’s been about it. I gave Trevor the money order, so that’s done with. I’m saving the storage unit until Monday. I have more information from the mod position. It’s less than what I was hoping for, but more than I currently have. I’m not sure about it still.

I don’t feel “here” at the moment. I’ve read of other INFJs experiencing this. How we feel detached and distant from the world around us. I want to feel here. I want to feel solid and not fuzzy. I don’t think this has anything to do with drinking last night because I had so little, and because I’ve felt like this before without drinking. I feel like this is a facet of my depression.

I feel like that annoying infection is flaring up again. Yesterday was a good day. I got a lot done. So now I’m tired and this sickness is taking advantage of that.

Infection: Hey, since you had an awesome day yesterday it’s my turn now. Feel bad. Feel very, very bad. / wavy fingers

Me: Um… no? How’s no for an answer? Oh… Not good? Well… Sucks to be you, then, because I don’t feel like feeling bad today.

I’m tired. I want to stay home. I want to fast forward through today. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to see my boss. I don’t want to pretend or play nicely with others. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want to watch anything. I don’t want to do anything.

I feel like I don’t want a lot of things. I feel I complain a lot in my current writings.

The cats need litter, so most likely at some point shopping will happen. And in my head it’s this huge task with people, and things, and choices, and noise…

Do not want. >.<;

I haven’t looked at the kitchen, but I’m sure it’s a disaster.

It would be nice if I could envision positive situations rather than misery.

Maybe I’ll sit and cross stitch while listening to my audio book. Maybe that will be my day today.

I have a month and a half left to survive financially, and maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel real yet. He has the job, but things won’t begin to get better until the first paycheck comes in. Benefits start at date of hire, so there’s that.

Getting the mod position could help with that for a bit. I could, in theory, pay off my card. Is that worth the extra stress of an additional 25 hours of my life being taken from me each week?

I need to mediate on that. I need to do a lot of nothing for today though. Yesterday was awesome. Yesterday I kicked ass. You should see all of the scratch marks on my list. Two columns worth on a single page. That’s basically two lists. Yeah… total bad-assery happened yesterday.

I’m allowed to sit and stitch today. I’m allowed to do nothing and not feel bad while doing it.

Maybe I’ll send Zane to the store alone. Or maybe we’ll do it tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll feel up for it later and we’ll go together. Or maybe there’s another maybe that I maybe haven’t figured out yet, maybe.

Ok. I’m done with that word. Promise.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. So now that I’ve figured out everything that I’m not going to be doing… I guess it’s time to go so I can figure out what I am going to be doing, other than blissfully being a slacker.

Daily Post 0186: Full Shift Friday

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I woke up at 9 this morning. Last night was pretty alright. It wasn’t a constant stream of questions, so I was able to get through everything that I wanted to. Since David’s wife had the baby I was alone in lab and worried that with how many questions had been asked in the previous labs, that I would get overwhelmed. But I didn’t.

I played music through the speakers so I didn’t have to keep taking my headphones out and interrupting the flow. I think that helped.

When I came home I had dinner and started watching Pyscho-Pass with Zane. We got through a couple of episodes. It’s interesting, but the main story arch hasn’t picked up yet, so I’m not invested in it at the moment.

The storage unit sucked yesterday. They double billed me. I think I mentioned that. I was told last week that a partial refund couldn’t be made, so they would refund the whole payment and I could go back later and make a regular payment. No muss, no fuss.

I didn’t get my refund until Wednesday of this week. Wednesday morning I also had an email saying my payment was late and that they would be charging my account $15, and that my minimum payment was $270…

Me: Um… No.

So Wednesday I called after work. But the manager was on vacation, and the stand in manager had already left for the day, and they were the only ones who could remove the charge.

Ok. That’s fine. I’ll call back tomorrow.

That was after I had tried calling earlier in the day, and was placed on hold for 10 minutes. I had tried calling before work, thinking it would be an easy fix. If I had stayed on the phone any longer I would have been late for work. So I hung up, and tried again after, which is why the manager wasn’t there.

I accepted that as mostly my fault, though the hold thing was a little aggravating.

I tried calling again yesterday. The gentlemen I spoke to wasn’t able to help me, but said he would speak with the woman in charge of storage, and call me back.

I never got a phone call. So that is still on my to do list to figure out. I’m thinking if the main manager is on vacation that I”ll just wait until Monday to worry about this. My day is full enough as it is without adding an unknown variable to it.

As far as today goes. Frank is celebrating is 10th year anniversary with his wife, so I am taking the late Shading and Lighting lab for him. I will be at work from 1pm to 9pm, which is a normal shift. I shouldn’t have an issue with it. And I honestly don’t think I do.

When I woke up this morning Zane was awake as well. I told him today is bill day.

Me: Hooray! I’m paid!
five minutes later
Me: Hooray! I’m broke! : D

At least the broke part is for a good cause. Car insurance, and car payments are a pretty alright evil in my book. It keeps my butt off the asphalt. That being said, I wouldn’t mind keeping that roughly $400 for something else.

I suppose I should mention that one of my art books sold, so there’s that going for today. $50 less that I have to give Trevor for the electric.

Oh. I also signed an NDA for the mod position. I’m hoping to hear back about it today, but actual conversation about pay and such most likely won’t happen until next week. I’m curious about what the project is. It was mentioned that I would be doing out bound calls and managing email accounts. That actually is very similar to what I did when I worked for The Citadel.

I created all of the student email account, managed the Microsoft Exchange accounts, and handled Help Desk calls.

Person: Hey, so Excel is doing something weird…
Me: Have you tried learning how to use the program?

Anywho, I have to go to the bank. I need to make all of my 15th payments. Yeah… I divide stuff up like the military. Stuff gets paid on the 1st and 15th, regardless of when I get paid.

I really aught to do laundry so I can do kickboxing tomorrow morning. I love Jackie’s class, and I’m sort of bummed that I can’t go to the one she’s running tonight.

I also want to do lunch at my sports bar because it’s Friday. It’s my tradition, my treat that I set aside money for. Instead of getting my nails done, I get hot wings, because I’m classy like that. : D

So I really want to do that. Which means in the next 30 minutes I’m going to leave, which means Zane and I won’t be able to spend any real amount of time together. I guess I’ve been spoiled lately. Today feels like an alright day, though. I think I’ll be ok. I feel like a toddler trying to walk by themselves.

Me: I think I can. I think I can. I think I… / falls on ass.

The upside is that the last lab is super small, and the first lab Frank normally controls. I’ll basically have 8 hours worth of work time. Oh man, and I already have plans for it.

I recorded my responses to the discussion topic last night before leaving work. Go me! So first off I will edit the video and post that online. I will finish off my work book so I can look into taking my certification test next weekend. I am going to look into switching to a purely online degree since I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to on-campus classes next month. I will begin, possibly finish, another digital painting. I also have a new audio book that I want to begin, most likely while I’m painting.

I’m sure I’ll find other things I want to do. I’m a week behind on my challenge. At this point I’m thinking about starting it over. This time with Zane. He had wanted to do it with me, but with both of us fighting depression it was one of the things he opted to forgo.

He’s mentioned on several occasions that he’s sorry about that, and that we’ll do it over again together. Maybe that can be Monday. Maybe a fresh start, a fresh week is what we both need.

Monday we should know if he has the job. I’m most likely going to leave my phone with him that day so he can answer it. I’m keeping those thoughts at arms length. I’m not letting myself envision what it would be like if he got the job. I’m focusing on the here and now.

One day at a time. I can do that.

I’ve gotten caught up on the blogs I follow. My inbox is back down to a manageable number of emails. I work with a zero inbox setup, so anything over 7 seems like a metric crap ton to me. This week it got up into the 20s. x.x

My mom called yesterday. She works over the weekends, though. I’ll be getting off work about the time she will be getting home. Maybe I’ll try calling her.

I also called it quits on the dragon painting I was doing. I never got around to finishing the mouth, or shading some of the other areas. I feel like he could have used more highlights, too. Maybe more definition in his horns, but after two weeks of not being able to really work all that much on him, I don’t have much motivation to continue with it.

I like where I was able to get. I would like to move on to something different so I can keep moving forward and trying new things. I have found the first line art painting I ever did, back when I was a student in 2009. It’s actually not as bad as I thought.

I’m going to redo it. I want to see what the difference would be. I haven’t been painting for four years, but I have been using Photoshop and working with color for a while now. I think it would be interesting to see what improvement, if any, I make. So I’m going to do it.

And that’s about it so far. I need to shower so I can get my day started.

Shower, bank, laundry, food, work.

I feel like I can do that.

Dragon’s Horde 0038: Digital Painting – Mr. Dragon

Image

dragon

Week 3 – Digital Painting
Mr. Dragon

Last week got pretty crazy. This week isn’t looking any better. I found myself getting discouraged because I’m still not finished with these piece two weeks later, even though in total I have only spent roughly three hours on this project.

Instead of fighting myself on it, I think I’m going to call this one done and move on to other things.

Maybe, eventually, I will come back to it. But for now, I’m happy with where I got. I’m happy with the things I learned and the workflow I’m continuing to develop.

Thank you, Mr. Dragon, for being a fun project.