Month: May 2015

Daily Post 0110: I’m Alive!

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I haven’t written in a while since I’ve been sick… again… so much lame. I can’t even put into words how tired I am of not being able to do the things I want to do because I spend half the month trying to recover from the plague…

Luckily I was able to have a fantastic day Sunday. It was the first ‘date’ that I’ve gone on in a while. And actually Saturday was a pretty good day, too.

I watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World Saturday night / Sunday morning with DM after his shift. We woke up Sunday morning around 10, had breakfast, then went out to the theater to watch the new Avengers movie, which I thought was pretty good.

We went to a cinema and grill, so while we were watching the movie we got to snack on food, which meant we weren’t hungry afterwards like we were expecting to be. So we ended up going back to DMs apartment.

We had planned to go out for dinner. You know… That whole romantic dinner and a movie combo that has to happen otherwise it’s not a real date…

But we ended up watching some episodes of Archer, then ordered pizza (with a brownie because it’s a date and that’s the perfect excuse to get sugary things that you totally don’t need…) And then watched three episodes of the new season of Game of Thrones because I hadn’t seen any of the episodes.

It pretty much turned into a ‘game day’. That’s what I used to call my lazy days. It was those days off where I would order pizza and play Guild Wars 2 or World of Warcraft for 16 hours straight, or longer. I wouldn’t leave the house. Most of the time I wouldn’t change out of pjs. I would just veg out and game all day. Sometimes I would take a nap. I almost never talked to anyone if it wasn’t through the computer game, and even then I tried to keep that at a minimum.

Sunday was a lot like that. Both DM and I just chilling. We talked about my character a lot, too. We’re changing her up a lot, but I love all of the changes we’re making. I’m connecting with her a lot more. I even started writing some of her backstory. I haven’t written anything fiction in so long. It was nice to do that for a little bit.

Let’ see… So that was Sunday. Good day that I super enjoyed even though I could already tell I was getting sick again.

Monday was awful as far as the whole health thing goes.

I actually woke up at 6:30 and went to aikido at 7am, which wasn’t bad. By the time I had to go into work though I was dying. Like, Frank took one look at me and told me to go home. I was exhausted from just driving into work. It was so hard to focus on anything other than breathing.

I ended up going home and sleeping for four hours before picking up DM from work. The owners are giving him tons of hours, so he should be able to have his motorcycle up and running within a month, maybe two.

I’m pretty sure I went to sleep early, though I honestly don’t remember much more about Monday. Super sick, ‘nuff said.

Tuesday was Taco Tuesday. It was also a day off for me, which worked out really well. I didn’t have to take a sick day to stay home, and all of my labs were covered so I didn’t have to worry about work at all.

I stayed at DM’s place. It was totally empty and silent. I slept, I worked on homework, I worked on my character a little bit more. Tuesday was when I started writing the backstory for her.

I swept because I was bored. DM said that if I kept it up he would start calling me Mom as my pet name. I said that would most likely make things awkward. He agreed and said that I should stop cleaning for him.

He thinks that I am a bit OCD because it is so subconscious for me. I don’t’ know if I agree with him. It bothers me to see things out of place. I’ve never honestly thought of myself as having OCD, and even if I do, it doesn’t change who I am. I’m a bit of a neat freak, and when I’m bored I clean. I feel like it makes me helpful. As long as it’s not taken advantage of I’m cool.

So Tuesday was pretty chill. We had tacos for dinner with DM’s other roommates and one of their girlfriends. We went to the hookah longue afterwards to meet with one of his friends since it was his birthday.

It was actually pretty cool getting to talk to Bobby. He was going to UCF for Digital Media so we were able to talk about lot of things we were both interested in. We ended up playing Flux for a while, too.

I had never played the game before, so it was pretty fun catching on to the mechanics and how to play.

I went to sleep pretty much right when we got home. DM stayed up for a bit but eventually went to sleep. He woke me up from a dream I was having when he got into bed.

In the dream I had my laptop in the kitchen and was trying to type something up real fast. DM was talking to me and I asked for a few seconds to finish what I was doing. He kept talking to me and I got frustrated because I couldn’t focus on what he was trying to tell me and type at the same time. It ended up turning into an argument.

When I woke up I asked him if we were fighting because I couldn’t figure out if it was real or not.

I know I had another dream later, but I don’t really remember it. Just broken pieces of imagery. I remember there was construction, and I was in a bathroom looking into a mirror.

I remember there was other people but I don’t remember why they were there or what they were doing.

DM reassured me that even though eventually we were bound to have an argument about something, we weren’t fighting at the moment and that we were ok.

Today has been a pretty low day. I’ve gotten caught up on all of the email I haven’t been checking. I got work squared away. I got some progress made on a new cross stitch and my Illustrator Friday Challenge.

I’m going to try to go to the gym after work and run. Yeah… I’m feeling better so it’s time to go kill myself… After that I need to run by the store for some fresh dill and a lemon so I can cook the tilapia I bought.

Mother Earth sent me a message a handful of days ago that I need to reply to. I’ve been thinking over it. At first I didn’t reply because my knee jerk reaction was anger. Then I was introspective trying to figure out why I was angry, then I was sick and not replying to anyone…

I have my list though, and I’m chipping through it. I’m actually pretty proud of everything that I’ve gotten done today.

I also finally got the check from my brother. Huzzah! At some point I need to make a list of things I need to do and prioritize them so I know the order I need to start knocking stuff out in.

I got an email from my freelance people today as well. They just sent the check out today, so I should be getting that before too long too.

I feel like thinks will be ok.

Dragon’s Horde 0027: Info Graphic

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The main assignment for this week was to create an info graphic. Below is the artist statement I wrote to accompany the composition.

Artist Statement

Through brainstorming I came to the term ‘safety’, which led to a curiosity about the crime rates of Orlando, my current residence. After looking through crime reports I chose to do an info graphic around some of the more interesting facts I found.

I felt that using a realistic photo for the background would help the facts feel more real and impactful. The darker coloration is used to help with overall readability. The red coloring in the text is used to draw the eye to the important data.

Currently I am using American Typewriter for most of the text to invoke a legal / report type feel to the composition.

Dragon’s Horde 0026: IF Challenge – Wiggle

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This was the final image I created for the Illustrator Friday Challenge. This week’s work was ‘wiggle’. Below is my artist statement.

Artist Statement

After brainstorming I decided to go with the more somber topic of drunk driving for my design. Through word association I came to the terms jell-o, immature, and wiggle room. I worked all of these terms together through my image of a hand reaching for a set of keys sitting on a table populated with jell-o shots.

The foreground and background will be faded to draw attention to the mid-ground of the scene. The jell-o shots will be red as a way to draw more attention to the mid-ground and to push a more warning / danger feeling into the composition.

Daily Post 0109: Changed Plans Can Be Good… Who Knew?

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Friday. It’s actually been a pretty good day so far.

I guess it started with last night. I went home after work rather than sticking around to complete my school assignment. I was hungry and figured if I got home and set up I would have uninterrupted work time.

In a way that was true. Ashley was there being super loud and out in the kitchen cooking, so I had to wait about 30 minutes before I could do anything, which was really frustrating at first. She ended up leaving shortly after that, though. Once she left it was easier for me to unwind and focus on my work.

I ended up getting all of the block out done for the info graphic so I was happy and able to label the day as productive. I got through my entire to-do list for the first time in a while, actually. I tried to nap for a bit but wasn’t able to and eventually went to DM’s hookah lounge where we hung out with his bosses.

They’re both super cool. Last night they actually offered DM more hours at an electronic store they own since he only has part-time hours at the lounge at the moment. The extra money is going to go to getting his motorcycle fixed.

We didn’t get to sleep until super late even though we wanted to wake up around 8ish. We went to Steak and Shake after he got off work since we were both hungry. We played four games of hangman. I won both of my words (hookah and pardoned), while DM got stumped on ‘kitty’ and ‘pathfinder’ (a variant of DnD).

We also had some pretty deep conversation. We talked about his anxiety over starting a new job that he really didn’t feel qualified for. He’s like me in a lot of regards. I listened to what he said, and offered my take on the situation.

He doesn’t like that so many people are helping him. I’m giving him rides to the lounge and now the electronic store when I can. His boss is trying to get him more hours, so DM can have more money for bills, food, and repairs. I know if I were in his position it would be driving me crazy. I would feel like I owed people.

We talked about relationships for a while. Past experiences where we were misunderstood, and why we have certain insecurities.

That continued once we got to his apartment. So I don’t think we got to sleep until around 5ish. I know I didn’t get out of bed until around 9:20 to shower and have coffee. I have no regrets about it though. I love the deep conversation and the closeness.

I ended up forgetting my wallet at the apartment this morning. I swear I need to staple that to myself so I can stop losing it… Arg.

So after DM got to the electronic store I had to run back to the apartment, get my wallet, go back to the store to give him his keys back, then I was able to get into my normal routine, though it didn’t stay all that normal…

I went to my sports bar where I had planned to balance my budget and such, you know, my regular Friday stuff, but three of my co-workers (bosses actually) walked in shortly after I had set up my computer and offered for me to eat with them. It was a pretty interesting lunch, they were telling me about a lot of stuff that I most likely shouldn’t know about. I appreciated the conversation, and I was able to express some of my concerns in an open atmosphere.

Even though my lunch didn’t go how I had expected it I was glad for the company and I think over all it was a good change. I feel more connected with my department heads, which I haven’t seen in a handful of months, and I was able to unload some of the baggage that I’ve been carrying around job wise.

After lunch I stuck around at the sports bar and made a to-do list before heading into work. After I got setup I had about an hour before my lab started so I began plucking away at my list.

One of the big things I want to do is get the oil changed in my car. I need air in the tires, too. I’m getting crap for gas mileage at the moment. So I have an appointment tomorrow at 11am to get that taken care of.

After I made that phone call Bre actually came into the break room so we got to talk and catch up and share our immediate goals. Bre is a huge inspiration to me, so it was awesome to connect with her. We haven’t seen each other in months as well due to our schedules not lining up. She gave me some things to think about for sure.

I went to graduation this afternoon, so that was a bunch of emotions that has me drained on top of being tired for lack of sleep, and my ad hoc socializing.

I’ve already gone through and paid my bills. I’m doing pretty well so far. I’ve paid extra on all of my payments and still have money to put into savings. The check from John should be here soon, which will be another $300. That will get Scarlet a check up from the vet and pay for my taxes.

DM and I have been talking a bit today, working on a home brewed character class for the Pathfinder campaign this Sunday. The only hardcore thing left on my list is to finalize the IF Challenge assignment and post that before midnight tonight.

I’m going to break it up by working for a few hours, then cross stitching for a little while before going back and finishing off the assignment. I don’t think I’m going to spend much more than four hours on it. But then I suppose it depends on how much Photoshop fights me. Sometimes I get into a groove and everything works perfectly the way I want it to. Other times it feels like I can’t do anything right. I’m getting better with the program though, and that makes me happy.

So that’s it really. I’m most likely going to write a weekly recap today since I haven’t done one in forever, and Friday fits into my schedule better. I was planning on writing it during lunch, but that plan changed for the better.

So yeah… instead of Sundays, recaps will be Fridays at Bar Base from now on.

I did message Mother Earth, finally. I said everything that I wanted to say. She said she would replay to me, so now it’s waiting to see if I’ve messed things up more. I don’t have any real anxiety over it though, which is interesting, at least to me. I feel like I have done what I can, so all I can do is see what happens.

I also feel like I’m getting sick… again… This will be the third month in a row. My throat is starting to hurt and my sinuses are draining. Not sleeping enough isn’t going to help me fight off whatever this is, so I plan on sleeping well tonight. We’ll see if the Universe laughs at my plans. It has all day so far, but in an oddly good way. Normally changed plans are like having death and destruction rained down on me. But that’s not how today has gone… I like it.

The rest of the day should be fairly low key, which has me looking forward to it. I have my evening to look forward to with DM, curled up on the couch, talking about our days, maybe watching Archer. Cuddling for sure, and making silly jokes that end in “your face”.

I like that I have something to look forward to after work other than an empty room. I like that there is a hug at the end of my day now. It makes it feel worth it.

Daily Post 0108: A Good Morning

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It doesn’t really feel like I have much to talk (write?) about.

Honestly I don’t really remember the last time that I wrote, so I suppose before I get too far into this I should go back and re-read my last post, so I know what I haven’t written about.

*Brief pause in writing*

Ok. So I wrote on Tuesday. Jeez that feels like forever ago. Which is odd because not a whole lot has happened. At least looking at it logically, nothing has really happened.

I didn’t sleep well the other night. DM and I agreed that it would be good for me to go home. So I did. Ashley was up until like 4 in the morning being extremely loud, talking to a friend (which I could hear pretty much every word of the conversation) and then watching a movie or some sort.

Grouchy doesn’t even begin to touch on my feelings that evening.

I had plans to wake up early and get to the gym, and go into work early to work on school work, and all of these other magically fantastic plans… that I didn’t do because I was so f’ing tired from not being able to sleep.

I know I could / should have said something. But I didn’t feel like it would have gone over well. I haven’t been at the house much, and Ashley and I never really talk, so it would have been one of our few interactions with me being bitchy, because there was no way I would have been able to be nice about it when how tired I was.

I’m also the ‘new’ roommate, so I still feel like the intruder messing with everyone’s groove.

And she’s snippy with Jeremy, who she’s known for years. If he doesn’t get a calm, understanding response I can image I wouldn’t fair much better.

So I ended up listening to music until it was silent enough for me to go to sleep.

I came into work for my labs and started working on my IF Challenge for the week. This week’s word is Wiggle. Through brainstorming I ended up getting to Jell-O-shots and wiggle room, so I’m doing an anti-drinking ad. I’ll post the WIP shortly. I know it’s a totally different direction than what most people are going with, so I’m happy about that.

I ended up going over to DM’s apartment during the break to borrow his hand and some shot glasses for a reference picture for my project. I was spending more time trying to find images that would work for the perspective I want in the image than it was to drive over and take a few pictures myself. I also got to spend about 20 minutes sitting on the couch with him watching an episode of Archer.

It was a nice breakup to the day and actually gave me a recharge that I desperately needed since I slept so poorly.

I spent the entire second lab working on my assignment so I had a pretty good image to post for the pre-pro portion of the assignment. I’ve gotten a few comments from fellow classmates. We’ll see if I get anymore in the next 24 hours.

So I felt pretty good at the end of the day yesterday. Schoolwork started. Huzzah. I’ve been having anxiety over this class since it’s the one that I failed two months ago. I’ve been second-guessing myself and other not cool stuff like that.

Getting the project to such a good spot in such sort time really gave me a boost that I needed.

After work I went back to DM’s apartment for a bit. We got dinner together at Arby’s since there was a coupon for two meals. We ate there which was really nice. A lot of my friends want to go through the drive thru, or pick something up to take back home.

I really enjoy sitting somewhere and sharing a meal with who I’m with. It adds another break up to the everyday routine. DM feels the same way, so it was great getting dinner and talking about how the cashier behind the register was cute.

We ended up discussing plans for the evening. I said that I really wanted to stay over, partly because I like being near him, but also because Ashley would most likely be up crazy late again since her classes this month are online and she doesn’t have a bedtime like Jeremy and I do.

DM was ok with me staying the night, so after dinner I went home to get cloths. While I was at home I swept my room, did dishes, bleached down the counters and stove top, vacuumed my bed (since Scarlet shed four cats worth of fur onto it… ick doesn’t even begin to describe it), then showered.

It felt really good to do some cleaning. I don’t know why cleaning stuff up makes me feel better and more balanced, but it does / did. When I got back to DM’s place we watched some episodes of Archer, talked about work, Mother Earth, other stuff, and in general just relaxed. More restoring and recovering. Lots of cuddles, which was awesome.

I ended up going to sleep before DM, and woke up in the morning before he did to go to the gym.

It was a pretty crappy workout to be honest. I wanted to start with biking, but the spin class wasn’t done yet, and I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ who shows up right at the end. So I decided to run on the treadmill instead, only to find out that one of my compression sleeves for my shins didn’t make it into my gym bag… so I opted to use the elliptical instead, but that wasn’t really getting my heart rate where I wanted it to be…

So after 10 minutes I went to the bike loft since the class was over. About halfway through the workout I wanted to do my phone lost connection with Spotify, so I didn’t have music anymore…

Oh my god, I wanted to punch something in the face so bad.

I reset my phone, got connected back to my music, and finished off the workout. I even ran a lap around the track just to do it. I would have done more but I didn’t want to agitate my shin, and I wanted to get back to the apartment so there would be enough time for breakfast.

I had to stop at the gas station for eggs, but other than that I made it home, cooked breakfast, and had my cup of coffee with DM on the couch before both of us going off to work.

I’ve been picking through my to-do list, and being mildly productive, though I need to get to work on my homework soon. The second lab is much smaller, so it’s a better work environment for me. And since DM doesn’t get off work until 1am I have four hours to myself.

So yeah, the game plan for the rest of the day is to keep chipping away at things. Finish my block out for the info graphic, which is all about crime rates in Orlando, and then, hopefully, finally, getting some work done on my podcast.

I’m feeling a bit better, a bit more energized, than I have in the previous days. I had my full routine this morning, which really helped. Hopefully the rest of the day / evening is just as nice.

Daily Post 0107: Recovery is Lame

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I messaged Mother Earth last night. She had sent me a second message saying that it had been five days since the break up. Five days since she had messaged me.

In those five days I hasn’t responded at all. I kept looking at the message. Every time I got onto Facebook it would be there. Staring at me. Letting me know that, yes, I am a failure. That I have hurt someone.

Overly dramatic brain is overly dramatic…

I hadn’t responded at all. I really didn’t know how to. I wasn’t ready to respond. And so the days kept going by. One after the other. The numbness still inside me, making me feel heavy, detached. Tired.

I had a new message last night. Mother Earth wanted to know if I was still coming to the wedding since I hadn’t responded yet.

It hurt reading it. But I can’t blame her for asking.

I responded by saying that I was worried about what to say. That it felt like anything I said would just make things worse, and that I was sorry for disrespecting her. I said that I would like to still be at the wedding.

She said she would like for me to be there too.

It’s still just information to me. It’s like I’m on the outside looking down at little cells in a dish. Some contained environment, playing out for the observation of someone, something, else. It feels sterile and so outside of the warmth of natural life. And right now I’m ok with the coldness because that makes my inner hurt seem less. It makes it more bearable with all of the other things I have to keep on top of. It makes it someone else’s hurt.

It’s not mine. I’m out here looking down.

I don’t know how I can be her maid of honor. I don’t feel like I deserve it anymore. I don’t see how she could want me to fill that role. The not understanding causes discord, but I don’t know how to phrase my questions or feelings without coming off as emotional and irrational. Rude and insensitive. Hostile maybe.

I can’t figure out the wording, so I stay silent, which I know doesn’t fix anything. If anything silence makes it worse on both ends. I don’t feel like I can be open right now though. I don’t feel ready to talk.

I feel so out of balance right now. I haven’t been working out because of my schedule. I haven’t been cross-stitching. I haven’t been able to get back into my routine since the move. Though to be fair part of that is my own doing for spending a fair amount of my past two weeks with DM.

I have started to squirm my routine into our interactions, though. I bought coffee and creamer so I can have coffee at his place in the morning, and I have cooked breakfast for us a few times. Eggs with cheese, since I don’t have the other things I would mix into them.

It’s not much of a routine, it’s still sort of chaotic and figuring out how we mesh together. But I like it, and it’s as good as I can make it right now.

I made a to-do list the other morning while eating and drinking my coffee on the couch. And it felt good. It felt unrushed and relaxing. It felt restoring. DM was sleeping in the room, so I had the space to myself. He got up shortly before I left so I was able to have a goodbye kiss before going to work. It was really nice and something that made my day warm. There’s a part of me that would be ok with incorporate interactions like that into my routine.

And it sucks that even after I type all of that, even after I remember and feel all of the positivity of those interactions, I still feel burnt out right now.

I have already taken care of most of my school assignments for the week. I have completed the brainstorming and sketching for both projects. That leaves creating the block out and then finalizing the compositions. I’m going to work on the block outs tonight hopefully.

I’m so tired right now, though, even though I slept for most of the morning. But I guess I really didn’t. I went to sleep at 2am, and my alarm went off at 10am. That’s eight hours. I spent another hour and a half in bed, thinking about getting up, but not. Normally when I get burnt out I sleep for 12 or more. So maybe that’s part of it. Maybe I should be giving myself more downtime. More quiet time.

Right now I want to curl back up in bed, under my super comfy, warm blanket, and just stay there. For a day or two, maybe. Not for forever, but for a while. It feels like the most peaceful thing in my mind right now. Alone. Solitude. No sound. Just darkness, and the warm feeling of something soft wrapped around me.

But I know that’s not how it would be. My roommates would make noise. The dogs would bark and click around in the hallway. I would hear their conversations, the movies they would play on their computers. I would hear them in the kitchen.

It wouldn’t be the relaxing time that I need and want. I wouldn’t be alone, and knowing that fact would feel like sandpaper on my skin.

I feel sort of lame that even as I thought about hiding under my covers in darkness, there was another thought of laying on the couch with my head in DM’s lap while he pets my hair as we watch Archer. There’s part of me who would want him under the covers with me, my head in the crook of his arm, breathing in his scent as I quietly talk through the things on my mind.

Damn you, Emotions. Screw you and all of the illogical BS that goes with all of your illogical… illogical-ness…

Total subject change. : D

I found my wallet. I’m actually not sure if I wrote about that. I retraced all of my steps at school and couldn’t find it. And of course Security is closed on Sunday because why would anyone want to find their lost items over the weekend…

I went to them yesterday morning though while Frank was doing the introduction speech for the lab, and they actually had it. Huzzah! One less thing I have to worry about. I was able to get gas for the car because I was super low. That made me feel better. At least I don’t have to worry about not being able to get to work.

I also talked to Clavan about my schedule. He agreed to take two of my days this month, so I don’t have to work the 48 hours. I’m back to a scheduled 40 hours of labs each week. That still leaves me with no time for admin. Frank and I are working things out. I am not going to be able to host the PCC Critiques this month because of my schedule, which I don’t like. But Monica is going to take over for a little while, so we don’t have to stop them out right.

One of my friends agreed to be the guest speaker this month for our AMA, so that’s awesome.

As I mentioned, I got my assignments in a good spot so at the moment, day two of the new month, my schoolwork load is manageable.

I’m writing a post so I can stop feeling like a slacker in that department…

I really wish I felt better about things. I wish I didn’t feel so tired and rundown. It’s like a brick wall ran into me… They really should watch where they’re going.. Jerks….

I know this is just a recovery phase. I’ll get better. It’s just frustrating at the moment.

Musing Moment: 0037: Nerding Out Over Aikido

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So one of my blogging buddies, Seven Years in a Drawer, asked me to write about aikido. Since I love nerding out over it I figured I would make a post about my experience so far. : D


How did it start?

It’s actually a pretty funny story, at least to me. Frank, a coworker and I were talking about working out, biking I think. Something to do with the gym. It came up that I wanted to do something more boxing related, but that I really didn’t want to learn how to hurt people. That wasn’t the point of it, I just felt like I should know how to fight and defend myself. Part of my warrior mentality I guess.

Anyway, he mentioned that he had been looking at a form of martial arts that I might be interested in. Aikido Orlando Dojo. We poked around at the website before we left work. At the time it was 1am. I went home and looked further into the website because I was super curious.

One of the things on the website that caught my attention was, “Harming your opponent harms yourself.”

Since I am exploring more into Buddhism this mentality really jived with me. It’s not about beating your opponent into a bloody pulp, or about being a killer death machine with your elbows (even though I joke about that a lot). Aikido is about being able to react to a hostile situation and defuse a threat.

I noticed there was a class at 7am that morning, so I set my alarm and got there towards the end of the class. I spoke with Sensei Ian for a while, and sort of impressed him with how much research I had already done on aikido and the dojo.

The first session was free, so I said I would think about coming back and trying it out at some point. It wasn’t until I got back to my apartment that I realized I had left my wallet at the dojo. I felt it was the Universe’s way of telling me to go back.

I’ve been a member of the dojo since mid-January.

How does it help me?

There are a lot of ways that aikido helps me.

Community

It gives me something to be part of. The members of the dojo are so accepting. Everyone has been the ‘new’ student, so there’s no judgment on not being able to do rolls, or forgetting what hand is suppose to grab where, or what position your feet are suppose to move to. Everyone is learning and growing, and everyone is willing to help foster that growth.

Confidence

It has helped make me more confident in myself. No, I may not be the thinnest person on the planet. And honestly, I’m never going to be, and I’m ok with that. I can still do pretty awesome stuff. I can still have a strong connection with my body and feel its potential. I can still be strong and capable. I can prove to myself that I can overcome fear.

It’s not that I think I’m a badass and want to go walking down dark allies to be a vigilante, beating up muggers or anything. I don’t know how to really explain this side of the feelings. It makes me feel good to be able to preform the moves.

Energy

And this is where I show my INFJ colors and start talking about energy and connections and stuff that people think I’m crazy for. Zero fucks given. I’m going to talk about it anyway. : D

When I do a move correctly, I can feel the energy pass from my partner into myself, and then back to them. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s very much like dancing. You can feel the connection to your partner. It’s more than just physical touch.

It’s sort of like trying to explain color to a blind person. If you’ve never experienced energy before, then none of this will make sense. There’s nothing to base the words off of. Nothing to relate it to. How are you supposed to know what blue looks like if you’ve never seen color?

Once you experience it though, you’ll never forget it. It’s one of the main things that draws me to aikido and taekwondo.

Health

There’s the added health benefits. Aikido isn’t about strength or speed like a lot of other martial arts. In a lot of ways it’s like yoga. You perform the moves to the level you are comfortable with. It still has you moving around though, and it can be a fantastic workout if you make it one.

I also have amazing instructors to help me. They are super encouraging and that means a lot to me. They want me to do well, and there’s never any pressure to be better. They answer any questions I have, even if it’s not really related to what we’re being shown. They indulge my curiosity, and my introversion. Especially sensei Jan and Beata. They’re amazing.

Tradition

I’m pretty big on tradition, and there’s a lot of that with most martial arts. I am able to clean the shrine and help take care of the dojo, which makes me feel like I’m an actual member. I feel invested in my dojo and the heritage and mentalities it represents. I like what aikido stands for, and so it gives me something to have pride in.

Conclusion

Over all aikido has been a fantastic experience for me. I feel like it is helping to build me into a better person and it will be something I continue with.

Daily Post 0106: Just a Day

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This might be a bit of a downer post, but I’m sort of ok with that.

I just got done figuring out my schedule for the next month. I work six days a week, like I have been for the past year now. Only this time Shading and Lighting isn’t going to be a 4 hour, single lab. It’s going to be two labs, so I’ll be working 8 hours on those days.

Character Rigging 1 is also going to be two labs. Which means on my good weeks I’ll have 40 hours of straight lab time. No administrative hours to do the grading, or tutoring, or the PCC Critiques. Just labs. Anything else I need or want to get done will be ‘over-time’ that I most likely won’t get paid for because I’ve never gotten overtime in the three years I’ve worked at the school.

On the bad weeks, I’ll be working 48 hours, straight labs. Again, no time for anything extra.

That doesn’t include the homework I’m going to have to do for my new class.

That doesn’t count time for the gym or aikido…

Downward spiral of doom.

I’m going to talk to Clavan about it. I’ve gone a month without aikido and I’m not cool with that. I don’t want to do it again.

So that has me down. My job isn’t bad. In fact, most of the time I love it. But it keeps taking and taking, and I really wish that I didn’t get burnt as fast as I do. I wish the good months, the ones where my schedule is perfect and lines up with everything that I want, would stay. I wish my schedule was consistent so I could have a routine. Right now, sitting here, looking at my calendar and brooding over it, I’m tired of having to give up things that are important to me, to a company that feels like it’s sucking the soul out of me.

It’s not my coworkers, it’s not my boss. It’s the mentality of the school as a whole. If they would just hire more people the environment would be so much better, rather than trying to scrap by with below the bare minimum.

That’s why people keep leaving. Which makes things worse for the people who stay, so they end up leaving… another vicious cycle, and it feels like I’m in the middle of it. Blarg.

Other than that things have been going well.

I got my first graphic design freelance. I’m going to be creating the drink menu for the hookah lounge that DM works at. They want to make it more like a café with coffees, teas, boba, and smoothies. I’ve also created a few concepts for the menu for the house blends. It’s been fun. Since they’re super busy tonight I was going to go in tomorrow to show them the concepts I made and try to discuss the designs / layouts with the owners.

They’re both super cool people.

I know other stuff has happened, especially since I haven’t written in a while. But I can’t really think of anything that I want to write about.

I haven’t replied to Mother Earth’s message. I don’t know how to. I still haven’t processed it yet. I know I should. I know it will hurt. And so I’m avoiding it.

I had a good workout at the gym the other day. Finally. I biked, rowed, walked around the track to cool off, and sat in the sauna thinking about nothing.

I did all of my homework, so the Intellectual Property and Law class is done. I made a 95 in it, which I’m cool with. Glad it’s over. I’m scheduled to take Digital Story Telling again. That was the class I failed last month. If next month’s schedule is as crazy as it looks like it’s going to be I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Right now I feel screwed in that department.

DM’s birthday is next month, so I want to try to cross stitch him a gift. Yet more stuff that takes time.

I haven’t done any of my weekend chores in a while. I’m really just sitting here kicking myself by thinking of all the things that I should / ought / need to be doing in my life. All of these things that aren’t going to make me happy or give me a better life, but things I feel compelled to do for some reason.

I’m not being a warrior right now. I know I’m not. I’m still sitting in my cave, hugging my knees, head buried in my arms ignoring the things going on around me. This is one of those moments in time where I’m not ok inside, so the outside doesn’t matter.

I’ll figure it out. Today is not that day though.

Daily Post 0105: Mother Earth

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Mother Earth broke up with me.

It’s the first time someone has left me. I am normally the one to end my relationships. So there’s the newness of that. I’m not sure how to feel to be honest. I feel empty at the moment. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. Numb.

I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

I remember the conversation where she said to, “go sow your wild seeds.”

She said that it was because she found out through my blog. That I didn’t tell her, and that I was disrespectful.

The numbness makes it all information. There are no feelings. I got the Facebook message on my phone last night, and I sat there, in my car in the dark, and disconnected from my emotions.

I was with DM at the time actually. I told him what happened. He knew about Mother Earth. How I was her little earth dragon. How I was going to her wedding. How I was in a relationship with her and how I was her maid of honor.

I feel small. In a giant cave. Alone. Unsure of where to go. I feel lost. I feel like the best thing to do right now is to sit and wait until some brilliant plan comes to my mind that will make me un-lost, which will fix what I have broken.

I don’t think there’s anything I can do though.

How do you repair trust?

I know for me you can’t. I’ll be friends with you. I’ll smile. I may even hang out every so often. But I’ll never forget. I’ll remember the negativity. I’ll remember the past. You can’t erase it.

How ironic that I wrote about this for the writing prompt just a few days ago and here it is. This is how Mother Earth will remember me. These emotions of betrayal and disrespect.

I feel, in my head, that I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe poorly, but not wrong.

In my heart, however, all I can think of is that I have hurt another person that I care about and that relationships are awful and this is why I didn’t reach out for so long after the breakup with RB, because I didn’t want to be hurt again. And now that I have fixed one imbalance, another has come to take its place.

I feel like it’s pointless, that I’m always going to mess up. That it’s not worth it and that giving up is easier. Being a hermit, a recluse, is the only way to survive.

I’m pretty sure I’m thinking that because of depression. I don’t think that is my honest opinion. I think that’s the emotions taking control.

Mother Earth feels like I don’t reach out anymore. She says our communication vanished unless she reaches out, and the knee-jerk reaction I feel is to remember the times where I text or message and I get short replies which make me feel like I’m interrupting. So I reach out less and less. I remember the conversations where I ask how things are and I get “They’re fine,” as a reply even though I know they’re not. I remember the walls that I felt like were keeping me out, and how I didn’t press because I felt like when she was ready to share she would.

I feel like we’re back to communication being the problem again. Always communication messing things up.

Why can’t I just be content to watch and observe? It’s what I’m good at. Why can’t I live vicariously through the happy couples I see walking in the store, having dinner together in a restaurant? Why can’t their happiness be enough for me?

I guess deep down, under all of the earth that I have buried my feelings under, I feel like a failure, and that cold, sinking feeling makes me want to go back to hiding in my room because being alone is less painful than trying to be with others.

Daily Post 0104: The Conversation

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I meant to post this yesterday, but never got around to it because slackers be slackin’. It’s sort of incomplete because I got interrupted while I was writing, but I don’t think it is right to add anything to it. The moment has passed.

So this is where I was last night.

I’m still pretty introspective.

I suppose I should look further into the fear thing.

DM and I agreed that we would take a few days to step back and process our feelings and figure out what each of us wanted. We had spent the night apart, but hung out for a fair amount of the day. We were at the hookah lounge where he works when I had to leave to go to work. We said good-bye and that we would see each other Thursday.

I was chiding myself all night for feeling like Thursday was forever away. It was only a few days. Surely I would be fine. After only a week of knowing him I really shouldn’t be feeling like this.

Damn you feelings. Damn you!

I suppose a lot of it has to do with myself. I know that I need physical and mental contact, and yet I did nothing for so long to have or foster that type of contact. Now that I have it, it feels like I’m starving, dying of dehydration, and DM is offering me water and food.

The thought of even going even a little while without it makes me want to cling to what I have. Like I’m scared I’ll never get it back. That it will all end and I’ll go back to feeling alone.

I recognize this in myself. I can see my mentality, where the emotions are stemming from, and why they’re there. I know it’s not a true mentality and that it is something I need to temper.

So yeah, I went to work, trying to sooth the emotions in me. Knowing why they are there helps actually. But that doesn’t make them go away.

I ended up getting a text from DM shortly before I left work saying that he had processed and wanted to talk if I was ready to.

I had made my pro/con list the night I was at home, and though I know there’s still things to think through, I felt like having the conversation sooner rather than later would be good. I wasn’t looking forward to the anxiety of the coming days.

Would he want to keep going? Would he want to end it? Had I done something incredibly silly to deter him? Is my short hair really a deal breaker? Maybe I really am boring and a lame friend…

Yeah… giving my brain two days alone didn’t sound like a good idea. Lets get this band-aid over with. The sooner we could talk, the sooner I would know and have the information to move on with my life, in which ever direction it went.

So I went back over to his apartment after work. We went to his room and sat on his bed. I was hugging one of his pillows in my lap because holding things or fidgeting with things gives my hands something to do. It gives the nervous energy somewhere to go.

He mentioned how I was closed off. And I said yeah, I was. I was worried that it was over and that made me want to withdrawal.

He wanted me to go first because he wanted to hear what I thought, which made me even more nervous, but luckily he ended up going first.

He explained that he really liked me, and that he wasn’t ready for things to end. He wanted to see where things go. He said his biggest worry was about messing up, or me realizing that he’s a jerk.

I told him that I made a pro/con list. He made a comment about how he didn’t go that far so I had to explain that it wasn’t so much that I went ‘that far’. It’s more that writing things out helps me keep it straight and see it more from a logic standpoint because the emotions can get in the way.

He understood that, and didn’t make me feel weird for it.

I told him that my biggest fear was messing it up to. That most of my relationships move super fast.

He agreed that his did as well, and that’s not something he wanted to have happen with us.

I brought up the fact that nothing that has happened between us has felt forced or rushed. Which leaves the question, what is too fast?

“Ah, that is the question, isn’t it?” He said.

So we agreed that we’re ok. Things are good between us and we like where things are at. So, we’re going to see where things go.

We both talked about how we want another person in our lives, but how it’s not just ‘any person’. He said that he was tired of falling asleep alone, and I said how I was tired of coming home to an empty room.

I’m worried and nervous, yet at the same time happy and content. I’m going to go with it. I’m curious.

I know there’s more to write about. I didn’t even touch on the whole fear thing. But for right now I feel sort of written out.

I’m glad to know that the feelings I have are mutual. I’m glad that even though he isn’t a huge fan of my hair (yeah… I broke down and asked) that he is able to see the me past just my physical appearance.

I feel sort of open and vulnerable at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s because my writing has strayed too close to sensitive topics. Maybe it’s the newness and worry. Maybe it’s that combined with the slight overwhelmed feeling because work was pretty intense today.