Mother Earth broke up with me.

It’s the first time someone has left me. I am normally the one to end my relationships. So there’s the newness of that. I’m not sure how to feel to be honest. I feel empty at the moment. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. Numb.

I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

I remember the conversation where she said to, “go sow your wild seeds.”

She said that it was because she found out through my blog. That I didn’t tell her, and that I was disrespectful.

The numbness makes it all information. There are no feelings. I got the Facebook message on my phone last night, and I sat there, in my car in the dark, and disconnected from my emotions.

I was with DM at the time actually. I told him what happened. He knew about Mother Earth. How I was her little earth dragon. How I was going to her wedding. How I was in a relationship with her and how I was her maid of honor.

I feel small. In a giant cave. Alone. Unsure of where to go. I feel lost. I feel like the best thing to do right now is to sit and wait until some brilliant plan comes to my mind that will make me un-lost, which will fix what I have broken.

I don’t think there’s anything I can do though.

How do you repair trust?

I know for me you can’t. I’ll be friends with you. I’ll smile. I may even hang out every so often. But I’ll never forget. I’ll remember the negativity. I’ll remember the past. You can’t erase it.

How ironic that I wrote about this for the writing prompt just a few days ago and here it is. This is how Mother Earth will remember me. These emotions of betrayal and disrespect.

I feel, in my head, that I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe poorly, but not wrong.

In my heart, however, all I can think of is that I have hurt another person that I care about and that relationships are awful and this is why I didn’t reach out for so long after the breakup with RB, because I didn’t want to be hurt again. And now that I have fixed one imbalance, another has come to take its place.

I feel like it’s pointless, that I’m always going to mess up. That it’s not worth it and that giving up is easier. Being a hermit, a recluse, is the only way to survive.

I’m pretty sure I’m thinking that because of depression. I don’t think that is my honest opinion. I think that’s the emotions taking control.

Mother Earth feels like I don’t reach out anymore. She says our communication vanished unless she reaches out, and the knee-jerk reaction I feel is to remember the times where I text or message and I get short replies which make me feel like I’m interrupting. So I reach out less and less. I remember the conversations where I ask how things are and I get “They’re fine,” as a reply even though I know they’re not. I remember the walls that I felt like were keeping me out, and how I didn’t press because I felt like when she was ready to share she would.

I feel like we’re back to communication being the problem again. Always communication messing things up.

Why can’t I just be content to watch and observe? It’s what I’m good at. Why can’t I live vicariously through the happy couples I see walking in the store, having dinner together in a restaurant? Why can’t their happiness be enough for me?

I guess deep down, under all of the earth that I have buried my feelings under, I feel like a failure, and that cold, sinking feeling makes me want to go back to hiding in my room because being alone is less painful than trying to be with others.