Month: February 2015

Prompt Page 0027: Tourist Trap

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“What’s your dream tourist destination — either a place you’ve been and loved, or a place you’d love to visit? What about it speaks to you?“

I would very much like to tour around Europe, specifically the Gaelic parts of the continent focusing around Germany.

Since traveling hasn’t been in a viable situation for me, nor does it look like it will be for several more years, I don’t have specific destinations planned out. It’s more of a nebulas bucket list item right now.

The main desire for this adventure is due not only to my heritage, but also to my general interests.

I feel once I am able to make this journey that it will speak very deeply to something within my soul. I look forward to the days when I am able to solidify my ideas and turn my thoughts into a reality.

Daily Post 0051: No More Exs

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The past two days have been pretty nuts. I’ve broken this into Thursday’s recap, followed by Friday’s recap. It’s hard to believe everything that’s happened in such a short amount of time. No wonder I passed out as soon as I got home last night…

Thursday’s Break in Routine

That was an SAL day. I woke up and was able to talk to Mother Earth for a little bit. I wrote my post about being in a poly relationship. I ended up going to the gym where I had a light workout followed by a lot of stretching.

I went to school where I worked on freelance for most of the lab. After lab I ended up going over to 4B where Tre had an open lab.

He had messaged me during SAL and asked if everything was alright, since I told him I hadn’t worked on the project the night before.

I told him over Facebook that it would be a pretty involved story and that I would rather talk about it in person. So once I was done with work, I went over to chat with him for a bit about the staff meeting that went down.

I ended up talking with him for a while, and some how we got onto the subject of table tennis and how it had been so much fun to play with Joshua and Susan.

I had aikido to go to, but Tre and I made complete spur of the moment plans with Joshua and Susan to hang out and play some games while having pizza for dinner.

That was going to happen around 9ish, so I left school to go to my class before it got too late.

It was another fundamentals class with the substitute sensei. Jan and Ian should be back next week. I’m looking forward to having them as instructors again.

This class was pretty cool though. I spent the whole time practicing rolls. Forwards and backwards, which I was struggling with last class. I got to try different arm placements and figure out how the rolls feel different while doing different things.

It was nice being able to focus on one thing rather than switching between five or more different things.

Once class ended I ordered the pizza so it would be ready by the time I got to the store. Picked that up, then headed home where I frantically cleaned since we were having company over.

Not like the apartment was trashed or anything. But there were a few dirty dishes that needed to be taken care of, and I wanted to do my daily chores so they were done and out of the way. Stupid, little things that would bother me if Tre came over and they weren’t done.

So at 9:15ish Tre showed up and we had a super awesome time with Joshua and Susan. We ended up playing ERS, too, which is a card game. I totally stomped everyone at that, which made up for me sucking so bad at ping pong.

I didn’t work on homework or freelance, and I was ok with that. Thursday was an awesome break from my normal routine. It was nice to hang out with people my own age doing nothing important.

I wasn’t able to get to sleep until around 2am. Not really sure why. I was tired and had to be awake at 7am, but there you go.

Friday of the Insanely Busy and Social

Friday was CRI1, so I had to be up pretty early. At least early in my world. I got up at 7, which left me pretty tired from the night before. I had breakfast and coffee and got to enjoy the morning though, so the day was off to a good start.

CRI1 lab was pretty quiet, but then I ended up not being there for half of it.

I woke up to an email from Ray. Tre and I had sent off the first file to him to get feedback and to begin the iteration process. He sent back an email with 3 concerns. Two of which were things Tre and I had brought up before we began working on this project.

One of them was a question about facial deformation.

Shoot me now.

I sent a reply back saying that currently the rigs did not have much in the way of facial deformation because Tre and I had never received replies back to our questions.

Well, in the email that I got yesterday morning they want the rigs to have ‘advanced facial deformation’.

That’s nice… I told you in the beginning that these models wouldn’t be able to support that, and that if you wanted them to have ‘advance facial deformation’ that the faces needed to be remodeled…

So, Tre got the email as well. I ended up meeting with him shortly after lab started so we could figure out what we wanted to do. While I was talking with him Clavan came by. So we all talked about the issue and how to approach it.

We’re going to be sending a video, rather than an email so we can clearly show what our issues are, and to let them know that we can provide the remodeling service, but we would like to discuss that service further with them, otherwise we need to know what they want to do, because currently we can’t give them what they want with what we have.

Once that was settled Clavan wanted to talk about the meeting. He had no idea about the meeting before hand, so that made me feel good. It wasn’t like he kept it secret from me or anything. That would have really bothered me if he had, since I would hope after three years he knows how I would handle information like that.

So that ended up being an impromptu meeting.

Got some more information, but really it’s just all speculation. Nothing solid. And we both agree that until there is more information worrying about it is a waste of energy. So I’m going to let it go for now, and as things develop I will make choices from there.

But that took about half of the lab between the two issues.

During the second part of lab I got an email from Sir saying the phone was unlocked. He even forwarded me the email with the instructions that I needed. So I went through he steps of restoring the phone, and once lab was over I went to MetroPCS and switched the number from AT&T to them.

I am 100% free from all exs now.

It is a very liberating feeling. I am my own person with no obligations to my past.

Once I was finished with the phone I went to my sports bar.

I hadn’t originally planned to go there, even though it has sort of become my Friday tradition. I had lunch with me. But I wanted space. All of the ‘meetings’ and the phone thing had really beaten it out of me, and I still had PCC Critiques to go through.

So I went to the sports bar. I have had the same server for the past few weeks, so she was super nice and warm to me when she saw me. We even chatted for a bit and become a bit more personal. I’m not just some random customer, I’m sort of a regular now.

It was nice.

I finished weight painting the character I’ve been working on (finally…) and sent that off to Tre to give it a once over. Once that was done I started reading my homework.

I had gotten a text message from a former student who is working at a studio in the area. He was getting lunch with some other co-workers of mine and was going to see a movie them them afters. He wanted to extend the invitation to me if I wasn’t busy.

I said that I couldn’t go, but that if the movie ended before critiques that I would love seeing him for a little bit, or if he wanted to he was more than welcome to come to the critiques with me.

David graduated with a focus in setup, so we were pretty close while he was going through school.

He said that he would be there, so that was awesome.

I ended up leaving the sports bar around 3 and going back to school. I went upstairs with the plan to continue working on homework until the critiques at 5. That ended up being a bust though.

Marcus ended up seeing me. He works one of the online classes so I don’t get to see him much, but he was in my graduating class, and was a super good friend. We ended up talking until I had to go to critiques.

We touched on the meeting, but we talked a lot about life stuff. On both our sides. I had no idea that he did taekwondo for six years, and is a black belt…

He might be interested in joining the dojo with me. That would be pretty cool because then I would have a partner that I wouldn’t be worried about asking to practice with me for the Friday open mats.

Gears are turning in my head.

Anyway, all of the homework / reading I was hoping to get done didn’t happen. And again I didn’t feel bad about it because I never get to see Marcus.

Critiques went well. David and Clavan were both there, along with a ton of people, so that lasted until about 6:40.

There was the aikido open mat that I had wanted to get to, but I sort of gave up that idea.

I was supposed to meet with Rhonda, but I had very little left in me so we reschedule for 1pm Monday.

Joel, Tre’s roommate, was in the lab and asked me if I had any advice for Photoshop / Illustrator and gradients. We talked about that for a little bit. I told him that I wasn’t a boss or anything with these programs (yet) but from what he was saying I had a few suggestions for him to look into.

He was super grateful for the help and that made me feel good.

By that time it was down to just David and Clavan. Again, spur of the moment we all decided to go out for dinner.

There is a Tex-Mex restaurant that Clavan super likes. He first went to it while he was working at ReelFX in Dallas. Originally there weren’t any in Florida. But they have been opening up here and there, and they just opened one right next to the MCO airport.

So we all went there for dinner. They have pretty good food. I wouldn’t say the ‘best’, but it’s not bad and it’s totally worth the price.

It was a fantastic night. Lots of laughing, catching up, talking about games and movies, and stuff.

I thought that maybe it would fray me even more, being out on the opening Friday night of a new restaurant after having had so much happen not just today, but through this whole week.

But surprisingly it didn’t. I was tired by the end, but that was more from having little sleep, a busy day, and being full of good food.

Overall I felt pretty recharged.

Clavan had driven to the restaurant, so he drove David and I back to school. David and I got to hug which was awesome. We also said that we would hang out more. We used to message all the time on Skype, but he doesn’t seem to be on that at all since he graduated, and that was our main form of communication.

He’s not big on Facebook, and I don’t text much on my phone. So the laps in contact is sort of both our faults. He’s one of the few people that I enjoy spending time with, that I can spend time with without worrying about my job, who’s still in the area. So maybe I’ll try to foster that more.

Once David and I said goodbye I went back upstairs to work on my homework. I had two hours to get two assignments done.

I made it through one, but wasn’t able to do the other, so I will be taking a 10 point deduction on that.

I’m trying to figure out if how I feel about my degree. I don’t think it’s that I don’t care. I think it’s more that I have a higher focus on my self happiness then I do on work / school now.

Before, when I went through the Computer Animation degree I was my work. I HAD to have the best grade. I had to spend hours making everything perfect. It had to be done on time. Even the most BS of assignment received a crazy amount of time. More than it deserved.

I’m not like that anymore though. I weigh things differently now. And while I know that school is important, and that learning will always be a priority for me, I also know that work and school aren’t everything, and most of the time you’re not going to get a second chance when it comes to the ‘life’ side of the equation.

So I made a lot of choices this week that didn’t make school a priority, and I’m going to have to deal with those choices. One of them being that one of my assignments will be a 90 rather than a 100.

I’m ok with that. I’m ok with not having the highest GPA in my class, because I had 3 pretty amazing nights with people who are important to me.

I got to talk with Mother Earth and J on Wednesday, I got to hangout with my roommates and Tre on Thursday, and I got to have a fantastic evening out with two close friends on Friday.

It has definitely been a break from my introverted, borderline hermit way of life, and it’s been really nice.

I feel ready to get back to work with my freelance and studies. I feel recharged and able to focus rather than feeling burnt out and overwhelmed.

I have a lot to do. But I’m a bawce and I know I can get it done.

I’m looking forward to today.

Daily Post 0050: Clear Lines

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Once again a significant post lines up with a significant number. I feel this is right on some weird level in my brain. This was meant to happen now.

It’s 9:30. I woke up a little while ago. My phone died yesterday evening and I never bothered to go to my car to get the charger. I don’t have to be anywhere until 1, so there was no need to set the alarm.

I woke up on my own and stayed in bed for a while. It feels like I haven’t done that in a while. Enjoyed the morning without having to rush somewhere.

Yesterday was a crazy day, and I’m surprised I’m as recovered from it as I seem to be.

I had CRI1 lab which was fine. I got to finish setting up the rig for my character and started weight painting.

I suppose I should explain that a little since I keep tossing jargon into my posts.

Rigging, or character setup, is the process of taking a 3D model and giving it a skeleton so it can move around and be animated. There’s two big parts that go into this process. 1) Creating the rig and actually putting the bone structure into the character. 2) Getting the 3D model to move with the skeleton.

The second part, getting the character to interact with the skeleton is known as weight painting. I tell the 3D model what parts of the character should listen to certain joints and move around. That way the left hand joint doesn’t effect the right thigh.

Trust me, you see some pretty screwy stuff in 3D Land.

Weight painting isn’t hard. In fact once you get used to the tools and have a general workflow down it’s pretty mindlessly easy. It basically turns into 2 to 24 hours (depending on the model) of jamming out to music.

The most annoying part to weight paint, at least for me are the fingers. What’s cool though is as long as the 3D model is symmetrical, you can paint one side of the body and then use a specific tool to mirror, or flip, the weighting to the other side, so you really only have to do half the character as long as you do it well.

So that’s the stage I got to during lab.

At 11 Desiree came in and we brainstormed and talked a bit about an interface she is doing for Marc. We talked about usability and getting the base functionality established, and then areas we could look at pushing the tool further once she reached her first mile stone.

Tre came in during that so we talked about code for a while once Desiree and I were done talking. We talked about the PCC critiques, and our freelance. All sorts of stuff. But I didn’t get a chance to work on the project further due to the conversation.

I was alright with that. I had the rest of the day to work.

After lab I met with Sabrina and we talked about more code and how to recreate GUIs based on a user’s choice. If they click this button, then display these options, else display this other set of options.

She’s trying to make an interactive text adventure game. So we got the base concept of the game working, now she just needs to swap out the placeholder images and text for the things she actually wants to use, and then create the different branches for the game.

We’re going to meet again so we can talk about variables and passing arguments to functions, which will streamline her code immensely. Right now she needs to understand how to call different functions, and see the way the code is interacting with the different sections. So she’s pushing forward, which is great.

After Sabrina left I started talking with Mother Earth. I had some time to kill before my meeting. We ended up getting into a pretty indepth conversation, and I had to leave before it was finished, which sucked.

It sucked even more that my meeting was way not cool. We got dropped with a bomb shell yesterday.

All of the degrees are going to go through a major overhaul, and a lot of our classes are actually going away.

The two classes I teach are going to get cut down to only one. VFX is going away completely, so I can’t imagine what Ari was feeling.

“By the way, your classes aren’t going to be offered any more. Have a nice day.”

We were reassured that no one was being let go. No one was getting fired or anything along those lines. Staff numbers weren’t going to change.

There were a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered though. There’s a lot of information that we don’t have. And this change is supposed to roll out at the end of March.

Thanks for the heads up…

In all honesty, if the change ‘starts’ at the end of March that means there will be four months of general education classes that the students have to work through before they being getting into their core classes, so our staff won’t start seeing them until July-ish.

It still sucks though. I would have rather been told in a small department meeting. This is serious, career altering news. I don’t think it was fair to just drop it on everyone like that. No one knew about it, or was prepared.

And me being all introverted and INFJ-y and stuff didn’t appreciate the shock to my system and then feeling it from everyone else.

Frank had messaged me since he hadn’t been able to attend the meeting. He wanted me to let him know if he missed anything important.

I texted him back saying, “Oh man. You have no idea what you just missed.”

I ended up calling my mom after the meeting to talk to her about it. I told her that I didn’t know how I felt. Not good. But that I thought I was more angry about the delivery then that actual changes to the system.

I’m pretty over it right now. Whatever happens, happens. If I end up not liking the new system then maybe this is the way the Universe is telling me to leave once I finish off my Digital Arts and Design degree.

All we can do is wait and see.

So I ended up coming home after talking with my mom. I needed to get away from the school and people.

I didn’t go to aikido. Sensei Jan and Ian are out of town so it was going to be the substitute guy again. Which I really didn’t want to see him. He’s alright, and I enjoyed the class the other night, but I was having to deal with the whole work meeting, and there was the conversation with Mother Earth and J that I was in the middle of.

I could only handle so many things in one day. Mr. New Dude just didn’t make it on the list.

I had already given up on working more on my freelance. Most likely not the best decision, but that meeting literally torched all of my motivation for everything.

So when I got home I got back online and continued talking with Mother Earth and J.

So this is going to be another sort of defining post where I write for myself and not for the opinion of others.

Mother Earth and J are going to be married. They were an established couple way before me, and I value and respect that. We all do.

But there is a very strong connection between Mother Earth and I, and I feel a very strong level of respect and understanding between J and I, since I am so similar to Mother Earth.

I grew very close to both of them in the short amount of time that we lived together. And what was amazing, at least for me, was how even though there was flirting and warmth, it was very non-sexual.

It made me feel secure and worthy of affection simply for being me.

My introversion was never looked down upon. My crazy schedule was respected. Chores where divided up between everyone. I really enjoyed it despite the issues that Sir and I were having.

Or maybe because I had that example to compare Sir to I realized faster that what he was giving wasn’t healthy, and that he wasn’t really giving anything.

It hurt a lot when they moved to Texas. I knew it wasn’t personal, and I never thought of it that way. It took me several months to actually feel the lose of their company, and maybe that has to do with being introverted. I don’t need a lot of contact, but when I need it I legit need it to be there, and they weren’t.

I remember the night I drove to the Waffle House we used to eat at and broke down in the parking lot because I felt so horribly alone and being there made me feel closer to Mother Earth and J.

I remember how I drove home and Mother Earth sent me a text message and how she called me and let me cry on the phone.

They have been so kind to me, and have shown me nothing but love and acceptance.

When I made my post about catching the flowers at my cousin’s wedding Mother Earth called me to talk again. She said that I might be saying I was fine, and I might even feel fine because I was packing stuff up and keeping myself busy, but she knew under everything that I really wasn’t. That I was bothered and as soon as I got on the road and was alone with my thoughts that they would start eating away at me.

She said that it wasn’t a sad thing, or a mistake that the flowers found their way to me. She said that if anything it was a sign that such a powerful symbol of love and affection found its way to me. That I have so much love in my life that they were drawn to me and that I was meant to have them.

She said that her and J love me so much and that she says everyday how she misses me. How when they think of the future it always involves me. How it’s always with the thought that I’m going to be in Texas eventually.

Which I feel is true. I feel like that is where I will eventually end up because that’s where I will be complete. That’s where Mother Earth and J are, and being here in Orlando is so hard because they are so far away.

I can’t remember the exact words, but the conversation made me rethink the way I viewed my dynamic with Mother Earth and J. And it’s been something I have been thinking about over the past days, and is what resulted in our conversation yesterday evening.

I guess because of the marriage I never thought of myself as truly being ‘involved’ with Mother Earth and J.

I am pansexual, and I believe in polyamourous relationships. In fact my ideal relationship would be with a male and female. But I never thought of my dynamic with Mother Earth and J like that.

It would be too good to be true. They are together, and even though the are open minded like myself, and have both been in polyarmous relationships before, I never allowed myself to entertain that idea.

I didn’t want to mess anything up. I think part of it was fear, too. Relationships hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I was still dealing with Jarrett, and the fallout with Sir. So I kept everything back, at arms length.

I think I ignored a lot of things or pretended they were less than what they were. Like the flirting. I knew that I meant it, and I knew that Mother Earth meant it, but I never let it click in my head that it was deeper than surface level playfulness.

And part of me feels bad about that. Like I was being rude or inconsiderate. That I wasn’t being fair and honest with my feelings. Part of me feels like I was being given a gift and instead of accepting it I was ignoring it and pretending like it didn’t exist.

The conversation with Mother Earth gave me a lot to think about.

What were my true feelings? Why was I not acknowledging them? What did I really want?

I spent all of the drive home thinking and being introspective. And even though life kicked back up and kept me busy, I still thought about the situation a lot. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got up the nerve to talk about what I was feeling.

So that happened yesterday before my meeting. Most likely not the best time to start a super deep emotional conversation, but I was honestly expecting the meeting to last for 20 minutes and to be nothing special; you know… like how all of my other meetings have been since I was hired…

I told Mother Earth about what I was feeling and how I was scared of messing up the dynamic I have with her and J because of my feelings.

It ended up turning into a conversation on Facebook between the three of us, about what we wanted, and what we were all ok with.

So, I suppose crazy long story long, I am in a polyamrous relationship with Mother Earth and J. J and I will continue to be non-sexual because that is what everyone is comfortable with for the time being.

It may alter and change, it may not. But we’re ok with where it is currently, and if it changes there will be lots of talking beforehand.

It felt good to talk about my feelings openly with them. It felt good to have clear lines for certain things. Like, yes, I’m in a relationship. It’s not a kind of sort of maybe nebulous thing in my head. It’s not, “I hope this is ok and that my feelings aren’t out of line.”

There was a lot of nervousness, but I worked through it.

I know some people won’t understand this type of dynamic. And I’m ok with that. This is my first long distance type of interaction, but it’s not like I met Mother Earth and J online and I’ve never seen them in person before.

These are literally my two closest friends who just happened to move away. These aren’t strangers who know nothing about me. They are two of the only people outside of my family who truly understand who I am. Mother Earth especially since we are so much of a reflect of ourselves.

I feel like she is part of my other half. Her and J complete me in a way that nothing else has. Even if it is a non-sexual relationship. Which to me is more important. I am emotionally and spiritually fulfilled with them.

It’s odd. Jarrett made me feel complete, but it was so intense, so much, almost too much. And if I’m honest it was mostly a physical fulfillment. He would cuddle me, touch me, kiss me. It was amazing. I ignored flags I should have been paying attention to because I felt good.

Then, once we moved in together he wasn’t there. I had such a level of euphoria, and then crashed. And as low as I feel admitting this, I think Sir was a rebound. He talked to me and made me feel like I still existed, like I still mattered.

But our core values were so different, and he took my need for space personally. I don’t think even if I had moved in with him that it would have worked out.

The completion I feel form Mother Earth and J is different. It is softer, more subtle but no less real. I don’t have words for it yet. Only feelings which I need to meditate on more.

How is the completion different? Why is that difference important, because even though I might not fully, consciously, understand it, it is a very big difference and it means a lot to me.

So that was my day yesterday. Complete BS from work, life defining moment at home. No aikido, no freelance. I played a few games of table tennis with Joshua and Susan in the middle of all of that. Which I totally owned Joshua. /flex

It was a lot of fun actually. There was a lot of laughter and good natured competition / trash talking. That in conjunction with the conversation with Mother Earth and J helped put everything into perspective.

It’s just work. If I don’t like it I can always change it. I’m not stuck there for the rest of forever. In fact I don’t plan on being there longer than I have to. My plan had always been to leave to be in Texas, so I don’t know why I was so upset about the news.

I have SAL today, and homework that I haven’t touched yet. But I feel pretty good this morning. I’m glad that I’ve written all of this out. That I have clear thoughts in my head for what I am feeling, at least mostly clear.

I have the freelance I also need to finish off today so I can start on the next character.

So I suppose for now I will go so I can finish my coffee and breakfast. Hit the gym before going to work where I can focus on weight painting until aikido at 7. Maybe do my discussion post if I need a break from Maya.

Overall I think it will be an alright day.

Daily Post 0049: Last Thing on the List

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This is the last task on my to-do list for the day. Except for stitching one thread, but to be fair… I’ve already stitched two throughout the day… so I’m not sure how that works / counts.

Today was pretty good. I woke up with my alarm at 7 but didn’t really get moving until about 7:40. I got done with laundry around 9:30, which put me at the gym a little before 10.

I did the elliptical and then a ton of stretching. I actually cut my time down by a solid minute. So I’m at a 14 minute mile, at least when I’m on a machine.

It felt like a good workout, and I still had two hours of aikido to look forward to, so I didn’t feel bad about not doing more. It didn’t help that I didn’t pack my gym bag, so I actually didn’t have my jump rope with me. I was looking forward to that part actually.

I actually put my cloths away when I got home. Super proud of myself for not being a slacker on that. I ate, stitched for a bit, then headed to school.

I worked on my freelance for most of the time. There weren’t many questions in the beginning of lab, and Frank demoed for the last half.

Maya crashed on me at the very end, which sucked.

I’m normally really good about saving my work. I had basically just finished rigging the wings of the character (she’s sort of a cyber angel type character), and I hadn’t saved since I had started on that section of the project. Probably about 30 minutes worth of work… Gone. Poof. Like it never even happened.

So freaking annoying, but at least it’s not hours worth of work. Or something like all of my files corrupting (which has happened to people I know).

So that was a bit of an aggravation, but nothing that I couldn’t survive.

It was raining when I headed to my car, and has been for pretty much the whole day. I came back home and rested a bit. I was starting to get super tired, so I needed some recovery time. I drank a bunch of water and took it easy until around 6:30 when I left for the dojo.

Today was the fundamentals class followed by the advanced class. Sensei Jan is out of town, so we had a ‘substitute’ sensei.

He was alright, but I don’t like him as much as Sensei Jan, Beata, or Ian.

There was a new girl at the dojo today, which was actually pretty cool. I got to help her out, and it was nice being able to show someone how do different moves. It reaffirmed that I am actually picking this stuff up.

So that was cool.

After class I came home and redid the setup for the wings.

Tre and I swapped files around 11 so we could get fresh eyes on our work. I had checked his file out earlier, right when I had gotten to school. There were some minor issues, but overall his work was solid.

He had made all of the changes I had mentioned earlier, just a minor weighting issue in the fingers, but he’s done really well, just like I knew he would. I’m glad that he’s my partner on this project. I don’t have to worry about him. I know he’ll pull through.

If anything, I’m worried that I’m not keeping up with him. I still have to weight paint the character, but because she is so low res I’m fairly confident that I’ll be able to take care of it tomorrow.

Desiree wants to meet to talk about code and interfaces tomorrow at 11, which is during my break, but I’m ok with that. I meet with Sabrina at 1, which is right after lab. Then there is a staff meeting at 3.

Weapons class is at 8, but there’s an Open class at 7 I might go to.

At some point I need to look at my homework for this week. I haven’t done anything with that yet, though I have a 98 in the class so far.

So I’m thinking that during lab I will spend most of my time freelancing, as well as the time between work and aikido. After aikido I can check out my class and make my battle plan for that.

I would rather not save everything for the weekend. That would suck hardcore.

But that’s a problem for tomorrow. Right now I’m going to relax and go to sleep.

Daily Post 0048: Bouncing Back

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Well, my legs are back to being sore and hating me.

I went running Sunday. Pretty sure I didn’t mention that. It wasn’t my best run. In fact my time slipped back a bit, but I haven’t been running in two weeks, and I ran up the bridge, the whole bridge. And any run is a good run, since it’s better than no run.

My shin splints are holding up better than I thought they would. So that’s another plus.

Yesterday I started work on the freelance project. Finally. I didn’t get super far during the CRI1 lab. It doesn’t help that I have to work inside of Maya 2013, which at the time I didn’t have on my laptop, so if I wanted to work on the file I had to be at school.

After the CRI1 lab I ended up going back out to Lane Bryant. After the fiasco of Sunday I almost thought about not doing it. But alas, it was a bit of a necessity.

So I ended up going there and had an awesome associate who helped measure me and find pretty much exactly what I was looking for. I ended up looking around at the clearance stuff while I was there, but didn’t see anything that caught my eye.

There was a sale going on, so I only ended up spending $70, which I actually put on credit card that I have for the store. Not that I couldn’t pay for the purchase outright, but I would be in a better position if I could wait until next paycheck.

Once that was done I went grocery shopping. This week is going to be shrimp ‘tacos’. At least the recipe is supposed to be served as tacos. Really I’m having them more as bowls. I made Spanish rice, and then put the shrimp and toppings over that.

It actually came out super awesome. It’s what I had for dinner last night after aikido. I ended up shredding zucchini (because zucchini goes with everything), and cutting up onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes to go with the shrimp and seasons.

Top it off with a little bit of sour cream and some cheddar cheese, and holy cow. It’s amazing. Or maybe I was just super crazy hungry and dirt would have tasted that good.

Either way, I’m looking forward to having it again tonight.

I also cooked some noodles, and set about two pounds of chicken breast to cook in the slow cooker with some mushrooms, onion, and red pepper. That came out pretty good too, though I’m finding that I might not be a huge fan of the texture that meat picks up when it’s in the slow cooker. It’s more shredded feeling. Which is alright, but something I’ll have to keep in mind. I’m not always in the mood for that.

Though corned beef might be a fantastic idea for next week. With cabbage, carrots, and onions… yes. That’s totally going to happen.

Anyway, while everything was cooking I downloaded Maya 2013 onto my laptop.

I was planning on going back to school after aikido, but I really didn’t want to have to do that if I could help it. I knew I was going to be tired and not want to be around anyone.

I didn’t get a chance to set up the program before I had to leave though. I barely got done with the cooking on time.

I made it to the dojo with 10 minutes to spare. Sensei Mike was already there and had me get warmed up. Alejandro, the boy who is usually at the taekwondo class with me, hadn’t showed up yet, but Sensei said that he is normally late.

So I had to start class on my own. Which wasn’t all that bad. I had to run a bunch of laps around the dojo. I was a little worried that my shins wouldn’t be up for it, but the dojo has a padded floor, so it was actually super gentle on my shins and knees.

I also ran for an extended period of time. I think it was about two minutes. Normally I when I do interval running I run for one minute, then walk, then run again, so on and so on, until my running app tells me to stop.

I was proud that I lasted as long as I did. I didn’t stop until Sensei told me to. So I survived that.

Once Alejandro showed up we started learning how to spar. We would take turns attacking and defending.

I need to work on putting more force and purpose behind my attacks. Same with aikido.

I stayed for the Aikido Open class (the advanced class). It was a One Circle Aikido class, which has a higher focus on balance than technique. I guess it’s a sub-set of aikido. It was still pretty cool. And I didn’t mind all that much being the novice in the class.

Judy was there. She was the first person I was partnered with on the class I went to what seems like forever ago now. It was a Monday morning, and I remember I was have serious issues with the thought of having to attack her. It was my second class ever, I wasn’t all that comfy at the dojo, I didn’t know her… Just all these factors going into being super uncomfortable.

Every part of my being was screaming, “This is wrong! This makes you a bad person!” Even though I knew it didn’t.

She took my hands and looked at me and said, “This is hard for you isn’t it?”

I had to fight the tears. It wasn’t that I was sad, just getting overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to channel the emotions.

I said, “Attacking people is wrong.”

“I felt that way too at first. And then I realized that the other person can’t practice and learn if I don’t attack. So by attacking, I’m helping them.”

That helped me so much during that class, and pretty much every class since then. I think that at least 10 times every time I’m at the dojo. When ever I feel myself pulling back or being hesitant I have to tell myself that I’m hurting my partner by not attacking correctly.

Just another thing to keep in mind along with the hundreds of other things.

When I got home from the dojo I started installing 2013 and got that all taken care of. I also poked around at taekwondo apps on my phone but haven’t found one that I like yet.

I ended up working on the freelance project until about 1am since 2013 installed fine on my laptop. That was nice since I hardcore didn’t want to have to go back out.

Once I wrapped up the project for the night I stitched one thread for the tiger cross stitch. I think that’s going to be a new rule that I have.

I might not have hours to devote to stitching every day, but I should take the time to do at least one thread. Little by little one travels far and all that jazz.

It also gave me a chance to decompress from ‘work’, since that’s what the freelance essentially is. Even if it is pretty cool / fun, and something I enjoy doing.

So that was yesterday. Productive and good.

I’ve been in a bit of a slump recently, but yesterday sort of eased it over. I’m not sure if it’s because I was kept busy all day, or if I’m getting back in balance.

I wonder if it has anything to do with taking my vitamin pill since I was horrible about that while I was at mom’s. There’s so many factors that could play into it that I suppose there’s no real way of knowing.

But for now I seem to be back to myself, at least what I feel like is myself. I have drive, and I’m getting things taken care of.

Right now I’m at the Laundromat. I have plans to go to the gym, but I’m going to be late to the spin class. So I’m thinking that I’ll warm-up on the elliptical then do some core work. Maybe some jump rope to work on agility.

I have SAL today at 1. So after the gym I’m going back home to put the laundry away, eat, then most likely head to school. If I have some time to kill I can work on the freelance project since there are some quick things I can tackle.

My goal is to have this rig done by the end of the day. Tre has already finished his, but he had 12 hours to work yesterday, while I opted to do all of my chores and go to the classes instead.

I don’t regret doing that. I think it was the right choice for me.

Well, that’s about it for now. Looking forward to my day which I already have mapped out. Here’s to hoping that life lets me stick to my plans.

Weekly Saga 0006: Weddings and Valentine’s Day

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Only one day late. Go me.

I don’t really know how to describe this past week. It feels like I didn’t get much done, but the events that happened were pretty big. And right now I am still sort of in a ‘down’ fog, which I think is preventing me from really looking at the past week with an unbiased perspective.

It wasn’t bad. That is a fact that can’t be ignored. It just doesn’t feel like it was all that terribly awesome either.

Main events include:

Watched Mr. Nobody
Attended a Time Management seminar
Met with Rhonda
Had first tattoo consultation
Met with Carol to solidify Project Break Room

Completed Year of the Sheep xStitch
Traveled home
Went through stuff in mom’s shed
Attended Mandie’s wedding
Caught the bouquet

Drove home on Valentine’s Day
Went running on Sunday

Most of the prompts were lame this past week, so no extra writing. I sort of sucked at keeping up with just my daily writing to be honest. Not really sure what’s going on in my head.

Meditation is in order.

Dragon’s Horde Additions

2015 Year of the Sheep

Prompt Page 0026: Clone Wars

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“If you could clone yourself, how would you split up your responsibilities?“

I joke about this fairly often with my students. How if I had a clone I would be able to handle all of the things I want to get done.

Running events for students, critiquing projects, going to the gym and taking the classes I want to, devoting more time to self improvement, relaxing and reading the books I want to, going on trips to places I want to see and explore, cooking meals and doing chores, talking with friends and ‘staying in the loop’, movies to watch, games to play.

All of these actions and things that require time. Which is always the underlying factor.

There is never the time to do everything, and so we much pick and choose. What is important? What should be done, and what should be left on the to do list for another day? A day that may not come.

It is a very sobering thought when viewed that way. What would I be ok with not doing if I were to die tomorrow?

As much as I joke about having a clone, I don’t want one.

I like myself. I like the challenges I have to go through, I like the hurdles I have to jump over, the flaming hoops that test me.

I don’t want to share the glory with another person. I don’t want to share, half, the experiences with someone else.

I want to live all of my life. I want to make the choices about what is important, because not everything is.

Sometimes I don’t know how I get everything done, but in the end it normally works out. And it’s not because I had a clone. It’s because I made choices about what was truly important and what could wait.

I made choices and sacrifices and that gives meaning, significance, to the things that get done.

I gave myself these obligations, so it is up to me to figure out how to take care of business. Not for science to rescue me from myself.

Prompt Page 0025: Wall to Wall

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“What do you display on the walls of your home — photos, posters, artwork, nothing? How do you choose what to display? What mood are you trying to create?“

Because I have had to move so much over the past few years my walls have been bare. And those were the times I was lucky enough to have my own room. Typically I didn’t.

The last time I had something of my own hanging on the wall was when I was living with Sir. I hung the dream catcher my brother had made for me, not realizing that bedbugs would infest it and I would have to throw it away.

I was crushed because it was one of the last things I had as a reminder of my brother, and it had been handmade which made it extremely sentimental for me.

When I first moved into the apartment with Joshua I hung two of my favorite posters, as well as a few pieces of fairy artwork I had gotten from Mother Earth before she moved to Texas.

Sadly I began finding bedbugs in the new apartment, stowaways from when I lived with Sir.

Out of paranoia I took everything off of the walls so they would have less places to hide. I still find small ones every once in a while so I never hung anything back on the walls.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons the apartment feels as temporary as it does.

Not only will I be leaving at the end of March, but there is no reflection of me in the space. No self expression.

When I lived at home I had been allowed to decorate my room how I wanted.

The walls were painted a clam sea foam green and had a band of wallpaper boarder running around the center of the room. A matching soft bluish green with flowing scroll work which I would stare at while I laid on my bed, letting my eyes get lost in following the designs, allowing my mind the freedom to wonder and work through what was in my head.

My room was tiny. No joke. I had enough space for my futon, a small computer desk in the corner of the room, with a mini fridge next to it. No bookcase or anything. I had two Gothic Alchemy posters on my walls; Chemical Wedding and Morgan Theomachia. I would get lost in those pieces of art as well. Always finding new things.

My room was just a little hole in the wall, which I loved. It felt close and secure. Calming. It was a reflection of who I was.

When I moved to Florida my first apartment was huge in comparison. The bedroom alone was over twice the space I was used to. The walk in closet felt like it should have been the bedroom. The kitchen was amazing, with a little dinning area off to the side.

There was so much space that part of me wondered how I didn’t get lost trying to go from one room to another.

As I took more and more classes for my degree program I began to have several art projects that I was proud of. I hung those as a sort of collage in the walls of the dining area.

There were several figure drawings, as well as my first color theory assignments, a few watercolor pieces as well.

My dad and I would often put puzzles together when I was younger, gluing them once they were complete so we could keep them. I kept this hobby as I grew older, and when I moved Florida I framed a few of my favorite puzzles and hung them on the walls, along with the two Gothic Alchemy posters.

I loved being surrounded by my art and by things that had extremely positive memories associated with them, and it is something which I greatly miss.

The walls feel barren, the room mildly unlived in. Most of my stuff has been packed since the beginning of January. I pull my cloths out of a container in the morning because I am trying to sell the chest of drawers on Craig’s List.

Very little in my room will come with in when I move again so there is a level of detachment.

I am in transition once again, and my walls reflect that right now. This is temporary, this is fleeting. While I may live here, in this room, this space, I am not here. I will move on and the walls will be just as bare then as they are now, no evidence that I had been here at all.

Daily Post 0047: Not What I Had Planned…

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Gah.

This morning started off well enough. Fantastic-ish even. But it is slowing proving to be like the Tuesday of a few weeks ago where every time I try to do something I can’t.

I got home around 4:30 yesterday. After unpacking the car and making sure Scarlet was settled in I went to sleep.

I had talked with Mother Earth before getting on the road, which gave me a ton to think about (I’m sure I’ll write about it later, after I’m done ranting and have had some more time to process), so there was a lot of emotional processing during my 6 hour trip, and in general I was tired.

So nap time it was in order.

I woke up around 8ish and poked around a little bit at my stuff, but really didn’t feel like unpacking, or cooking, or doing much of anything, least of all homework.

I ended up having a can of soup. Which it was freezing at my mom’s house. Every night no matter how many blankets I was under my toes were ice cubes. I’m so happy to be back in Florida where I can wear my shorts and sandals, and sleep without fear of dying from hyperthermia.

I can’t wait for summer. <3

Anyway, I stitched for a little bit last night, but overall didn’t do much. Bre got me a tiger cross stitch kit the year before last for Christmas. I started working on it a while ago, but haven’t touched it in months.

I figured I should put some time into it so I can say that I made some progress. I’m about a quarter of the way done. If / when I get it done it will actually be the biggest cross stitch that I’ve finished.

I went to sleep around 11, which meant I was awake at 8.

I felt a little sluggish, and I didn’t have any creamer for coffee, so that was a bit of a deterrent to being lively so early in the morning. But I got all of my cloths unpacked, the grocery stuff I brought back from mom’s got put away. I straightened everything up in my room, so most everything was back to normal before 9.

I made my grocery list and even had a to-do list written down. Being an overachiever, I went ahead and paid the bills as well. I’m doing really good this month even with the trip for my cousin’s wedding.

I need to remember to pay the Brighthouse bill since Jarrett isn’t going to be giving me money. : /

I’ll have to take care of that tomorrow.

So that gets me to where my day started being frustrating.

I had the idea to do breakfast at Perkins where I could sit and work on my daily post, and the weekly saga since it’s once again Sunday.

Well they were so insanely packed that I couldn’t get to the podium to put my name on the list.

Totally not interested in being there…

I wanted to go to Lane Bryant since January for new bras. What with working out so much and losing weight, the ones I have aren’t fitting right anymore. I’m pretty sure this is what would be considered a first world problem…

So I figured I could head out that way and see if there were any other places that seemed like a good place to eat. It was past 10 so I figured most places would be open…

Wrong.

I guess on Sunday nothing, absolutely nothing, opens until 11 or later.

Every place I stopped at was still closed. And I was so hungry I was starting to feel sick. Not cool…

When I got to the Lane Bryant I found out that they weren’t going to be open until 12…. So I couldn’t even do my shopping to kill the time.

WTF? It’s just another day. Why are your hours different? ;-;

So all of that was a bust. Like, I got nothing done, and still hadn’t eaten, or had coffee.

So I drove back towards school. I figured I could get something through a drive through and get to work on my homework. I needed to do something. Accomplish something.

When I turned into the parking lot for work though I realized that today is the Behind the Scenes tour that the school does. Basically the school is shut down and perspective students can come check out the labs and get more information about the degrees they’re interested in.

So basically I’m not supposed to be on campus until the tour is over, which would be around 5pm… It wasn’t even noon…

F my life… Does anything else give me a giant middle finger? Yes? No? Can I get something done yet? Maybe? Please? I’m pretty sure I’ve been on my best behavior… Come on Universe… I even put my cloths away for you…

So currently I am sitting at the Chile’s on campus. I figured I could do the 2 for $20 which would give me dinner, and give me a place where I could do all of my blog stuff… But even that isn’t going to happen. They don’t have wifi…

What place doesn’t have wifi? Seriously. WTF? And when you’re literally on a college campus… Stop screwing with my day.

So right now I am sitting here, food in front of me, untouched, while I rant and get this frustration out of my system.

So yeah… that’s my day so far. And I won’t be able to post this until I get somewhere where there is civilization and Internet…

Wish me luck on wrestling the rest of the day into submission.

Daily Post 0046: I Caught the Flowers and Part of Me Thinks That’s Sad

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I haven’t written in a while, and I really don’t feel bad about that.

I’m still a little overwhelmed from the whole wedding thing so this may come out as mildly detached sounding, and more of a listing of facts and events.

I’m ok with that.

I ended up not going to aikido Wednesday evening. Instead I packed up my car and drove home. I made it to my mom’s around 2 in the morning. She woke up when I came in and we chatted for about an hour before we both went to sleep.

I slept until around 10, mom and I chatted more. John ended up calling so I got a chance to talk with him. Mom had a skills lab she had to teach on Thursday, so she was gone until around 4.

While she was gone I took care of some work stuff on the computer. I also ended up taking a three hour nap.

I went through most of the boxes that I had stored in the shed. That was a project that I wanted to get taken care of. Going through more things, more purging.

I had six boxes of books. All of them I have read, and loved. They moved with me to Florida when I first left home. They made it easier for me to be on my own. When I started moving around a lot though, I sent them back to be stored with some other things in my mom’s shed. It was just too much to keep moving them around.

Well, I’m going to be donating them all. I no longer need to hold on to them. And all they are doing is taking up space. I want someone else to enjoy them as much as I did.

I’m also donating most of my stuffed animals. I got rid of all but one of the puzzles I have put together over the years. It will be going back to Florida with me.

So after going through everything I’m literally keeping three boxes, and those aren’t completely full. And one of them is the three collectors edition boxes of my World of Warcraft games. I’m sort of thinking about getting rid of the boxes and only keeping the art books since that’s the only reason I got them. The boxes are nice though… so I don’t know.

Anyway. That was the biggest thing to get done.

I got more news back from the freelance people. Tre is going to finish reworking the topology. They sent us a video link of what they need the models to do. The animation is terrible and makes me want to stab my eyes out.

That being said, Tre and I can totally kill these projects if that’s all they want the rigs to be able to do.

I helped a student with some code ideas. One of the files I had sent him the other day was corrupted, which is a first for me. I’ve never had Sublime Text mess up when saving a file. It didn’t take all that long to recreate though.

I critiqued a rig for Desiree.

I recorded a few podcasts for another person who wanted more information about clusters, set driven keys, and blendshapes.

I went to the wedding ceremony today for my cousin where she signed the papers with Travis.

After that there was the reception at the bar near their house. I was there for about three hours.

I caught the bouquet.

James didn’t respond to my text or show up, so I have closure for that. I tried. That’s all I could do. There is no more.

I still have homework that I need to do. Lame. But I didn’t drink much tonight so I’ll be fine to do it tomorrow.

I had one drink for myself, and another for my brother since he wasn’t able to be at the ceremony.

I know there are more things, little things, that I’ve done over the past few days, but honestly right now I really don’t care about much of anything.

I don’t know how I feel about catching the bouquet.

I think the Universe has a sense of humor. That maybe it’s picking on me. I also feel this tradition is mildly illogical.

I was talking to my mom Thursday evening while we were out for dinner. We talked about how the situation with Jarrett was finally resolved since I never got a chance to tell her about the conclusion.

From there we got onto the subject of relationships in general.

I told her how right now it feels like I’ll be alone for forever. How my age group doesn’t seem to understand relationships at all. How there is such an emphasis on sex, and that what I want is companionship, honesty, respect. Stability would be nice too.

How it seems so hard to find honorable people, and that I am tired of trying. I’m tired of failing at it.

I didn’t mean for my writing to wander so far into this topic. I don’t want to sound like I’m whining.

I just can’t help but give a sad smile that I caught the bouquet, so I’m supposed to find love next. Be married next. How sad that it wasn’t someone who has a happy, healthy relationship.

Instead it was me. Me, who feels like I’m never meant to find it at all.

There is a Greek myth about the creation of humans. When we were first created we originally had two head, four arms, and four legs. Zeus, fearing our power, split humans into two halves, forcing us to spend our entire lives searching for our other half so we could be complete.

I don’t know where that leaves me.