Month: January 2015

Dragon Dreams 0002: Yearly Review

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I don’t remember details of this dream. But I do remember that it was about my yearly review coming up.

Last night while I was in the Shading and Lighting lab I filled out a form needed for the review.

Basically it had me list out my responsibilities for the class, different events participated in during the year to show community involvement, and things that I did to improve as an artist.

I think of it as busy work, to be honest.

Well I finished filling it out and sent it to Clavan so he could fill out his portion.

In my dream I got an email back from Clavan saying that it had been filled out wrong.

I think there were feelings of embarrassment for having made a mistake, anger that something so trivial had to be done in the first place. And worry that my mistake would reflect poorly on me.

That’s all I remember.

Daily Post 0021: Resting on My Laurels

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Today was a good day full of all sorts of wonderful awesomeness.

I woke up early, so I had some time to work on homework. I had to make 3 symmetrical designs using only squares, circles, and triangles. And then three asymmetrical designs.

I got through two of the symmetrical designs before I had to rush to shower and get to school to meet with Ari.

I texted her, letting her know that I got sucked into schoolwork and that I was running a little behind. She said that was fine because she was running a bit late, too.

So we both got to school and touched base with Project Break Room. Then we went up to talk to Donna.

Donna was amazing and super supportive of the changes we suggested. We even went down stairs to look over the break room to see if there were any other changes we could come up with.

She said that this most likely would be stretched out over the year, but that there were some things that we could get implemented relatively soon.

She is going to talk to Pete, our program director, and go over our requests and get the ball rolling on that. There’s a staff meeting in a few weeks. Donna said depending on how Pete feels, it might be brought up during the meeting.

Both Ari and I would be there so any questions that need to be answered should be covered by either her or myself.

But overall, very, very positive meeting. Huzzah!

After the meeting Ari wanted to talk. So we walked around the campus while she told me about her and Sara. I guess they’re getting a divorce. The whole time we were walking she kept bumping into me.

I can understand a handful of times, like once or twice.

But the whole walk I kept feeling like my space was being invaded.

Overall, it was a good talk, and there wasn’t the sexual awkwardness from our other interactions. Most likely because we were at work and in public. I’m cool with that.

After we walked around our building I said that I needed to go. This was the only time frame I had for the gym, so if I slacked off too much I wouldn’t be able to go at all.

I rowed, shaving a minute off my time, biked for a bit, and did the elliptical. So a cardio day I guess.

It was so hard not to run. So incredibly hard. Tomorrow is going to be worse.

But I’m trying to save running for Sunday. A full week for my shins to heal up.

My arms aren’t trying to fall of anymore. I did a bunch of upper body machines the other day, and the soreness is just now going away. I’ll do leg day over upper body any time.

So the gym was awesome and fun.

After that I went back to school. I has about an hour and a half to kill before the seminar that I wanted to go to, and I needed food.

So since today is Friday, treat day, I went to Crispers for lunch. While I was there I balanced my budget and did all of my finance stuff.

The bills for the apartment came in so I messaged Jarrett about that. He’s up to owing $160 on the accounts. He said he should have that by Monday. It would be fantastic if he did.

After everything is said and done, I have enough left over for Sabrina’s tablet. I’m going to give her $100 for it. That’s including extra money for gas for the trip home.

While I was at lunch I got a call from my Mother Earth.

She said that she was reading my post about my phone situation and she had a thought. She has an extra line that she is currently paying for, and not using. And that the phone attached to the line is an iPhone 4.

I think mine is an iPhone 4 S but I honestly don’t know what that means since it was a hand-me-down. All I know is that i-products run OmniFocus and that OmniFocus is the program in which I run my life.

She said I could have the line as long as I was ok with switching numbers. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with Sir any longer, or worry about the bill being paid.

I wasn’t worried about it before, but now that I know that it’s not getting taken care of, like I was told it would be, I have the added worry of wondering if my phone is going to have service cut.

It would be $12 more a month I believe. I never got around to checking further into the phone situation, but I think I would be ok with that. I finished off my symmetrical designs, and then walked over to the seminar.

There was a lot of walking today…

I didn’t really learn anything new at it. But hearing the stories of other people’s freelance experiences was really nice. I also got to talk to one of the presenters. He is an instructor in the Digital Arts and Design degree, the one that I’m taking. But he’s an instructor much further in the program. Towards the end where we work on our branding and portfolio pieces.

We got to talking about the final project and what would be expected, how it’s run. Really good conversation. I explained how I had already graduated the Computer Animation degree, and had branding, and how it would most likely be a revamp.

That lasted right up until I had to go to PCC Critiques, which were once again super fantastic.

I showed off the revised version of my script, which sparked a bunch of questions, so we actually opened up the script file and I showed them how my code was structured.

I talked about how it was online for download and already I was getting more followers on my Vimeo and YouTube due to the script. I also said how Rigging Dojo and Lesterbanks normally make posts about my work.

Which sparked a whole conversation about the first time I found a post about myself, and the feelings I experienced. The first time I found someone ‘stealing’ my work.

Lots of talk and story telling. Plus amazing work from everyone.

Like I said, it was a really good session.

After that my brain was fried.

I hardcore NEEDED alone time.

I still had 3 designs to get through plus the SAL lab.

I desided to come home for a bit for alone time. I knew Joshua and Susan were on campus, so the apartment would be empty. Perfect.

I completed my homework and submitted it. I re-evaluated my list and figured out what I still wanted to try to get done. I had four hours of lab I had to be on campus for. The least I could do is try to be productive during it.

I went through all of my Friday chores and made my grocery list as well.

I also went through my ‘soon’ task list. I was surprised how many things I’ve already completed on it. Go me.

When I got back on campus I emailed Donna my Google Doc list for the changes in the break room. I also emailed all of the co-workers who replied to my original email with ideas.

I wanted them to know that the first official Project Break Room meeting had occurred and that it seemed very positive and that I would keep them posted.

I filled out a form that I needed to do in preparation for my yearly review. I had to list different events that showed community involvement, personal growth, etc.

I’d just like to say… that form is so full it’s not even funny. And that’s just the stuff that I remember to write down. I know there are things that I forgot throughout the months.

I can safely say that I deserve my quarter.

Once that was done I set up my PayPal fully. Fredenator uses PayPal so I wanted that completely done for when they send me the rest of the information.

By 10:40 I was dying of hunger. Like, felt like I was going to be sick if I didn’t eat something.

I asked Frank if it would be alright if I ran to Taco Bell for food real fast. He said that was fine. I asked if he wanted me to bring him back anything. He was super interested in some tacos.

He tried giving me money, but I told him that I got it. It was just two hard shell tacos and a drink. Nothing major. It was the least I could do for him letting me leave lab for a little while.

I got a steak cantina bowl. I haven’t that much food in one sitting in close to three weeks now. And today was the first day in three weeks that I had carbs. I had a sandwich for lunch, and then rice in the cantina bowl.

It was fantastic.

I talked to Mother Earth online for a little bit about her honey moon plans. That’s something else I’m going to have to start thing about and saving for.

I stitched for a little bit, but not much. Frank wanted to talk for I couldn’t really zone out. But he was so awesome for letting me go get food that there was no way I was going to be aggravated or frustrated with him.

Lab ended, I came home and had an apple, and now am about to go pass out.

I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow morning.

Waking up and having coffee. Everything else can figure itself out as I go from there.

Totally looking forward to Sunday and my trip home. I can’t wait to see my mom. And with that I’m off. *poof*

Daily Post 0020: The Start of a Busy Day

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I suppose today is off to a good enough start.

Got to sleep around 3 ish. Woke up at 8:30 rested.

I kicked the idea of going to a spin class around, but opted to stay in bed with Scarlet instead.

I’ve just had breakfast, already took my vitamin, and currently am working on finishing off my coffee.

I have to shower in about 40 minutes to get to work on time for my meeting with Ari.

I’m going to begin work on my Illustrator assignment in the little bit of time that I have right now. Hopefully that will ease things later.

I had a text message from Mandie saying Travis can’t wait to see Seth. So that’s reassuring.

There was also an email from a person on Vimeo extending an invitation to participate in an international contest for Red Robin. The submission date is February 11th though, and with the freelance I’ve just picked up there’s no way I would be able to complete something by that date.

I mean, come on… work, school, freelance, gym, life, sleep…

I really don’t have anything else I can sacrifice time on and still be happy with myself.

Or more importantly… sane… though I’m not sure if I’m really sane right now, so maybe that one is a moot point…

I’m content with the projects I have going on, so I emailed the person back saying thank you for considering me, but unfortunately I can’t participate this time ‘round. Maybe next time.

And so far that is my morning. I’m hoping it flows smoothly from one event to the next, rather than turning into a disaster of jumping from fire to fire.

Daily Post 0019: Living Dangerously

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I’m being a terrible person right now, and it’s online so anyone who bothers to read it will know how awful I am being.

I… Miss Follow All Rules or Else… am eating in the computer lab as I type this up.

Yep. That’s right.

I’m a rebel without a cause.

One of the big ‘rules’ is no food or drink in the computer labs. Mostly so students don’t spill sodas all over the keyboards and stuff like that.

Lab has just ended, but instead of packing up to go home I want to finish the book I’ve been listening to. I’m almost done with the Dragon of Fire cross-stitch, too. Which would be fantastic to finish tonight.

However, I’m crazy hungry at the same time. And I don’t want to talk to anyone.

So instead of stepping out into the hall, I’m hiding inside of a completely empty computer lab enjoying the last of the garlic chicken I made the other day with some broccoli.

It’s fantastic. Amazing food and blessed silence.

No questions. No voices.

Just the hum of computers and the clicking of the keyboard as I type, and my thoughts as the bounce around. I am a little on the tired side, so I’m sure that will reflect in my writing.

I didn’t get much alone time today. Susan was in the living area and the kitchen for most of the morning. Which is something I knew would happen once Joshua said she was unofficially moved in.

She’s quiet, and didn’t really talk to me all that much, but it’s not the same as being alone.

Today was better than yesterday. No crying, which is nice. Still sort of low energy, but I feel that is more due to recovering.

I got most of my perspective homework completed before going into work at 5.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. At 1 I started getting a headache. One of those pains that you know will turn into a migraine if you’re not careful.

I took some Advil and drank a lot of water since I’m pretty sure I was slacking in that department. I napped for a little bit, too, to see if more sleep would help out. I guess it did since I don’t have a headache now.

I got up, showered, and headed to work. It’s a pretty dreary day. Wet, cold, icky. But I’m ok with that.

I finished the last two images I needed to sketch during the first lab. I posted a reminder about critiques tomorrow on Facebook. I replied to work emails. I finished of the discussion board posts that I needed to do for my class as well.

I feel like I did other stuff but I can’t really recall what specifically. Guess it wasn’t all that important.

Tre had a close call with his current project.

One of the files got corrupted, and it went back a few saves. He was sort of freaking out, thinking he had lost close to 11 hours worth of work. With critiques being tomorrow, he wouldn’t have much to show if he couldn’t get his file figured out.

Luckily we were able to get one of his saved files working, so he didn’t lose that much. I told him my process behind file management, so hopefully that helps out his workflow and avoids potential data loss in the future.

Very few things suck more than having to redo work.

Grace and I are going to do dinner Monday evening when I get back from the trip to see mom.

James is leaving town Sunday, so we won’t be able to meet while I’m home. He said he hoped everything was going well for me. I said that I hoped saving the world from nuclear disaster was easier than convincing people that Facebook won’t help them pass their classes.

I have an appointment scheduled with a trainer at my YMCA on Sunday morning to get the machines set right for me. I want to do that before running. And then once the gym is done I can start on my trip home.

Mom doesn’t get off work until 7 and normally isn’t home until around 8 or 8:30, so I’m going to try to get on the road by noon. That way I can get home and maybe do the dishes for her or something.

Or cook dinner since I’ll be there.

Sabrina brought in her extra tablet today for me to look at. It’s a Wacom. Super sexy. I like it.

She said that since it was a gift, and free for her, that she was cool with whatever price I wanted to pay.

I told her that tomorrow (today now) is payday and that once I figured out my budget I would let her know. I’m thinking $100, but I’ll have to see.

It’s a huge upgrade from the one that I let Jarrett borrow, and I doubt he would give me mine back since he wouldn’t be able to afford his own. And really I don’t want to even entertain the idea of that battle.

That doesn’t change the fact that to excel in the programs that I’m using now, that I need a tablet.

So I think this would be a smart move.

I got a message from Sir saying that my phone was denied for the unlock because the bill is behind. He said that should be taken care of this Friday and that he was sorry.

Rage.

So Saturday I’m going to have to apply for the unlock again, and wait another 14-ish days. I’m starting to wonder how much I need an iPhone, and if it would be easier to just get a different phone / number from Metro…

Something else I could look into later.

Tomorrow is going to be all sorts of social (read lame).

I have a pre-meeting with Ari at 10:30, which should just be touching base on Project Break Room. Then the actual meeting with Donna at 11.

There is a seminar that I want to go to about ‘Freelance Dos and Don’ts’ which seemed interesting. That’s at 3.

I have PCC Critiques to host at 5. And SAL lab at 9pm.

Somewhere I have to figure out getting to the gym, and complete the Illustrator assignment before midnight.

Tomorrow just seems like it’s going to be a jagged, broken day. A lot of rush here, rush there, put out that fire. Maybe the universe will prove me wrong, but I feel like it’s going to be a bit hectic.

I can do the gym after the meeting with Donna, and then my Illustrator work after the critique. I think that will work the best.

I’ve been listening to Eat That Frog. It’s the ‘work’ book that I wanted to complete this month. I have ten minutes left in it, so I’m really happy. Very close to scratching off another goal from my to do list.

Sadly, so far I haven’t learned anything new.

To be honest I feel that I’m pretty on top of being productive. I don’t feel that I need help managing my time anymore, or that I’m unproductive and need guidance.

I’m really just listening to this book because it was referenced by another person that I developed all of my productivity habits from. I figured there might be something that I could pick up.

This book is geared more towards business though, and keeps talking about profit, and cost. Things that I honestly don’t care about.

The other people I follow talk about business and work, but they also have a strong emphasis on life and personal productivity, which I like. So while this book isn’t bad… it’s nothing new, and I’ve read other books that engaged me more.

So that’s my goal for the night. Finish the book, and continue working on, possibly completing, my cross-stitch.

After that it’s to home so I can rest before beginning a crazy day.

I’m hoping the meeting goes well. I really want this project to work. I feel that we as lab staff deserve a little attention at the moment, especially as people continue to leave.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Daily Post 0018: Quick Trip Home

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I was supposed to post this last night, but went to bed instead once I got home.

Mmmmm…. Sleep.

Today has been a bit rough.

I woke up at 8:30 and knew that if I didn’t get to the gym at now-thirty, I most likely wouldn’t go.

I had a banana, coffee, and my vitamin, then got dressed to go to the gym for a spin class.

I felt rested from yesterday, but that meant that I had the capacity to deal with the left over emotional items of yesterday.

Mainly the death of Cleo.

Honestly, I don’t really hurt over her death. I knew she was terminally ill. It was a matter of time and I was prepared for it, at least as much as I could be.

It wasn’t a shock. It wasn’t unjust.

It was life.

Really, the main thing that was eating away at me was the knowledge that I couldn’t be there for my mom.

I woke up unbalanced inside. I didn’t think going to the gym would help. In fact, the thought of being around people really bothered me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the discord inside me from bleeding out.

On the flip side, I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with myself if I didn’t go.

Just walking out to my car, being alone for those few minutes, was hard.

Being alone makes it harder to keep the emotions back, or in check. If no one is around I don’t have to keep my walls up so high.

I knew that before I got to the gym that I was going to cry.

And I did… as soon as I got off the main street and into the empty streets of the subdivision I have to drive through to get to the gym I couldn’t keep the tears back. I didn’t try to, either.

If I let everything out, maybe I would feel more balanced. Not really better, but better able to move on with the day.

No dice, though. I felt more in control by the time I got to the gym. I didn’t have to worry about breaking down during the spin class, but I didn’t feel better internally.

I had a fantastic workout, and for a bit I actually felt alright. 15.5 miles in 45 minutes. At least for the rest of the day I could go on knowing that I was a badass.

Erin was teaching today. She remembered me even though I’ve only been to one of her classes, and that was forever ago.

She runs an intense but fun class. She chatted with me for a while, and I didn’t mind it. It was sort of nice to be around her happiness.

When I got home though it was back to feeling icky.

I would cry a little, then stop, then cry again, the stop… So aggravating.

Jeez, Brain. Make up your mind. I can’t do anything when you jump back and forth like this…

I was cooking lunch (which I was totally proud that I ate) when Joshua and Susan came into the kitchen. They were getting ready to leave since Susan had class. They were just getting some food before they headed out.

They asked how I was, not knowing about Cleo’s passing.

I answered with, “You know, I really hate that question,” with a pained smile.

I suck at lying. And actually that in itself is a lie. I can do it, and I can do it well, but I choose not to. I don’t think it’s right, and when it comes to emotions it’s pretty impossible for me to hide stuff from the people I’m close with.

I hate the “How are you,” question when I don’t feel ok. It drives me batshit insane sometimes.

I’m supposed to give a happy answer, but I can’t, so I’m letting them down.

I’m Jen.

I’m supposed to always be strong and able to help everyone else. I’m not allowed to be hurt or down. No one is supposed to see me sad.

And sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me. I haven’t progressed to that stage yet. I’m still working it out internally. And so being asked, “How are you,” makes me feel pressured, guilty sometimes for not being better able to handle the situation. It can make me feel like my emotional space is being invaded.

I’ve gotten pretty hostile with people in the past for that question. More because I told them how it made me feel to be asked that, and they continued to ask me. So for me it was more about being disrespectful and not caring about my emotions.

I knew that’s not how Joshua and Susan meant their question though. I knew they were just trying to be friendly and seeing how my day was going. But my day was pretty crappy, and as much as I wanted to lie and say I was fine, I wasn’t and I couldn’t hide that fact.

I tried smiling, but I’m pretty sure it looked painful. It felt painful. I said that I would be ok, but that today was really rough. I tried making myself busy so I wouldn’t have to look at either of them, but there wasn’t much for me to do while the burger cooked, so I was left feeling awkward. Trying to be strong and not cry, but those stupid tears were running down my face and I couldn’t stop them, or hide them.

Gah! Not cool. Not cool.

Joshua asked if everything was ok.

Why? Out of all the questions you could have asked, why ask the one that shows that you care and that you are concerned for me? Why make me feel safe and like it’s ok to talk and be weak?

He knew Cleo had been sick, and I felt he deserved to know what was bothering me. I’m his roommate. He has to interact with me, through the good and bad, so he had a right to know why I’m not ok.

I told him that my mom had to put Cleo down yesterday. More tears. It was hard to keep my breathing normal, but I was trying. If I can keep my breathing steady the tears are easier to control.

He said he was sorry. That if I needed anything he was there for me.

Susan asked if she could give me a hug.

I sort of laughed and said that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if she did. So she came up and hugged me and said it was ok.

I cried while she hugged me. I told them how it wasn’t even the death that had me sad. I knew Cleo was going to die. I accepted that.

What bothered me, and made me feel so awful was that I felt like I should be there for my mom and I wasn’t. That I felt useless. All of the times my mom has been there for me and helped pull me through the hard times, and I can’t return the favor.

I ended up calming down, and they left, repeating that if I needed anything to let them know.

I ended up cuddling with Scarlet, thinking about how I needed to do my grading and how I had art homework to work on. So many things I really aught to have been doing other than nothing.

While I was kicking myself mentally, John called me.

He wanted to make sure I was ok, because he thought I would be taking the situation pretty hard.

Cruse brothers and their knowing how my brain works and stuff…

So John and I talked for a while. I told him that I was thinking about taking Saturday off so I could drive home and see mom. I wouldn’t be able to stay long, but it would a little something, a little positive, for both of us.

After talking with him through the logistics and whatnot I came up with my game plan.

I’m going to be driving back home Sunday, and then spending Monday morning / afternoon with mom since she has that day off. As long as I leave before 3 I’ll be able to make it back into town in time for my lab.

Even if I’m not back in time, Frank said he was cool with covering the lab on his own, and I could make up the four hours through the rest of the week.

(Current development: I actually just emailed Clavan, and he said that my trip was fine, that if I needed anything to let him know. )

Since I’m going to be going home, I can take Seth with me and give him to Travis before the week is out.

The plan seemed pretty solid in my mind, the only thing would be to see if mom was cool with me coming to visit for a little bit.

So I called and asked.

She said that really she was fine, but that she would never turn down a visit from me.

We talked for a while. And by the end of the conversation she said she was actually really looking forward to seeing me. That it gave her something good to look forward to rather than focusing on the loneliness.

That made me feel really good. That’s what I wanted for her. To have something to help ease the feelings. To have something good.

I think we both need it. Even if it’s just a few hours of quality time. I think it will be worth the trip to make both of us feel better.

Eventually I set up my computer and got all of the grading done.

I haven’t gotten to my homework yet, but I have looked at the assignments, and I feel they will only take me, at most, two hours. And I have concepts for the Illustrator assignment. So that will just be implementation. Another hour to two.

I’m still pretty low energy. But I think things are better than they were this morning. I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be better than today.

Since I’m going to be out of town on Sunday, I reschedule lunch with Rebecca to this coming Tuesday.

I plan to run Sunday before leaving, and take Monday as a rest day, so I won’t have to feel bad about spending all day in the car and then at lab.

I’m still weary feeling, still emotionally heavy, but I am looking forward to my trip. It’s going to be a crazy amount of driving, but I can listen to Eldest while I drive, I can take care of Seth, I can see my mom, and still be back to work without any issues.

I think this is the right thing to do.

Daily Post 0017: Ups and Downs

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I’m tired of today. Which is in a way sad since today, for the most part, was awesome. But all I want is for it to be over. For there to be no more.

No more events, no more choices, no more interactions.

I got laundry done, I got food and a new hide spot for Seth. And at $30, he’s content to sit on the opposite side of the tank, staring at it instead of using it. I swear he’s part cat…

I stopped by Walmart for a new key ring since mine was on its last leg. My keys kept sliding off because the clasp would open randomly… Let me tell you how not cool it is to almost lose your car keys…

I stopped at Publix to get a few heads of broccoli, and then came home to cook a fantastic meal of garlic baked chicken with a side of lemon broccoli.

While I was at Walmart I received a notification that Marcus had tagged me in a post. After looking at the post I realized that it was a freelance opportunity.

I messaged the guy with my bid on the project, and got it. I was able to get Tre in on the project too, so we’ll both be able to get a share. There’s 5 rigs that need to be created. We agreed that we’ll both work 2, and then whoever has the lighter workload can take the last one.

Tre will be creating all of the blendshapes for facial expressions, and I will be doing all of the connections for the face rig. We already have met and talked about workflow, and are starting to figure out times where we can meet up together to work.

We won’t get the files until next week, but we’re both looking forward to the project.

So that was a huge emotional rush.

Excitement and a bit of anxiety from reaching out to Ray about the job. Happiness and gratitude towards Marcus for recommending me for the job. Worry when I had to link Ray to my website.

Would it be good enough? I haven’t updated my stuff in so long…

Relief and pride when he said my work was ‘KILLER!’, and that if I agreed to the work then I would be ‘their girl’, and they would take the post down.

More worry when I found out that Tre had also bid on the project and that I had essentially stolen it from him.

More relief and feelings of badassery when I was able to get Tre back in on the project with me.

Happiness that I would be working with someone that I feel I can depend on and who I feel will have the same standards of quality as myself.

And more happiness that Tre will have an awesome project under his belt before he graduates. Something to beef up his resume with, and awesome contacts in the industry.

Heck, this might even pan out into a job for him if all goes well.

After all of that craziness it was only 2 in the afternoon. I still had the gym and an eight hour shift at work to survive…

I laid down for roughly and hour. I didn’t really sleep, just recouped. I let my brain melt to mush and totally didn’t think about anything important for the whole time I was in bed.

At 3ish I got up, cleaned up the kitchen, packed everything I would need for the night, then headed to the gym.

I was actually pretty proud of myself. No slacking because I was too tired. I even took another step forward.

One of the things that’s really cool about the YMCA that I go to is that it uses a system called FitLinx.

Basically there’s a bunch of strength machines that are hooked up to a computer. You type your number into little display screens at each machine and it tells you what the machine settings should be at, what your weight should be set to, and how many reps you need to do.

It also tracks the range of motion of the machine, so if you don’t do a full rep, the machine won’t count it.

Bastard…

I go to the gym all the time, but I haven’t done the machines in a while… like, over six months.

After a certain amount of time the system deactivates your account and you have to have the people at the front desk reactivate it for you.

Well, I bit the bullet and talked to the person at the front desk today. So my account is reactivated, and I was able to do a few of the machines in the time I had left after doing more work on the elliptical.

It’s getting easier to hold the longer intervals. I wonder how I’ll fair when I go running again this weekend.

My range of motion for a lot of the machines feels off. So the next step will be having one of the trainers go with me to each machine and make sure that my settings are accurate.

I had tried calling my mom earlier to tell her about the freelance, but she hadn’t answered. She texted me before I got into the shower, saying that I could call her back if I wanted. So when I was leaving the gym I rang her back.

That’s were things got really down.

My mom sounded off on the phone. One of those, “I know something is wrong,” moments.

She was at the vet. Could she call me back?

I knew this was going to be bad. Cleo has been really sick recently. I don’t think I wrote all that much about it.

She was supposed to come back to Florida with me so her and Scarlet could be little old ladies together and keep each other company, since my mom and I are at work so often.

My mom wasn’t comfortable with me taking Cleo though. Not when she’s so sick, so she stayed in South Carolina.

I guess she got really bad.

I don’t know the details, but my mom had to put Cleo down today.

I don’t know what else to write about it. I knew it was going to happen. Either that or the Universe would take her on its own. She was sick and she wasn’t going to get better.

It’s still hard to write about though. And I know my mom is taking it hard.

She can fake it all she wants but I know she feels lonely right now and I wish I was there to give her a hug. Or to just be another living being in the house.

Sometimes it’s enough to just know that someone else is there.

But I’m not, and as much as I would have rather driven the six hours to be home with her I had to start my eight hour shift at work.

Clavan wants me to have the grading done by tomorrow. 12 projects shouldn’t take too long but that’s still more than what he originally told me I would be grading.

Grace messaged me and said that she is going to be back in town until the 20th, so we have plans to make plans for Saturday. Go go introverts! XD

I saw Rebecca in the lobby while I was going to my lab. Since I didn’t really have time to chat I told her I would message her on Facebook, which I did. We have plans to hang out Sunday.

And it’s only now that I realize I have no weekend to myself…

I talked to Luis for 3 hours about rigging during the second lab. Which was awesome. We talked about different things he can start looking into before he gets to finals. We talked about freelance. And we even took a look at his branding and came up with some interesting ideas for him to play with.

Through the conversation it came to pass that his roommate will check out my computer for me and help me figure out what’s up with the hard drive, and if it needs to be replaced he will put the new one in for me if I buy it. Score.

I critiqued Desiree’s rig again and sent her a Word doc with all of the changes I would recommend and why.

Donna got back to Ari and I, so I have the first official meeting for Project Break Room Friday. Ari and I are going to try to get together before then just to make sure we have all of our ducks in a row before we go to Donna.

My script got approved on Creative Crash, so it’s open for downloading.

Through my conversation with Luis it also came up that I am in the market for a tablet, since I’m doing so much work in Photoshop and Illustrator, to which one of my students mentioned having an extra one that I could have.

I asked if I could see it, and how much she would want for it. She said we could talk about price later, but that next lab she would bring the tablet with her. It’s a fairly large one, which is what I would want. So we’ll see how that pans out.

I created a post on the rigging forum we use linking to a podcast series I did a while ago. The subject came up during the critiques on Friday about a method I use, and I wanted to make sure the people who were interested had the information.

And then I came home, ate, and thought about going to sleep for a while.

But here I am, being diligent and writing.

There were so many good, positive, fantastic things about today.

And yet right now it all feels hollow.

Cleo was the cat that I picked out. For the longest time she was mine.

She would sleep at the top of my head. She would wake me up on Saturday mornings my sitting on my chest and putting her nose in the corner of my eyes.

Wet cat nose is not fun to wake up to. Just fyi…

And when I would roll over to get her to go away, she would move to sit on my shoulder and put her nose in my ear.

Again, so not cool…

She started drifting more towards my mom in the years leading up to my moving away, and Scarlet and I became closer. Which is why Scarlet is with me and Cleo isn’t. She became my mom’s cat, and the thought of taking her away from my mom didn’t feel right.

I stopped thinking of Cleo as my cat a while ago.

I don’t know what I feel right now. I haven’t cried. I don’t know if I will. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel anything strong really.

I feel tired. So tired of feeling.

Ari made a post on Facebook saying that she felt heartbroken. No details. Just a status update I guess.

And any other day, despite the awkwardness I feel with our friendship, I would message her and make sure she’s ok. I would reach out and try to ease her hurt.

But right now I can’t. I don’t have it in me to care. I saw that status and sighed internally as I closed the window down and didn’t do anything to extend myself further.

I don’t feel happy, or sad. I don’t feel apathetic, either. At least I don’t think I do.

I feel heavy, weary. So much has happened. And though most of it was positive, this one negative seems to out weigh them all.

Cleo is gone. And my mom is alone. Right now that seems so unfair to me. For all of the good I do, all of the things I am able to accomplish, right now I feel useless.

She is hurting and there is nothing I can do to help, and that one fact makes everything some so frail, so vain, so superficial.

It’s funny how things seem so meaningless and fake when held against life, against death.

What is money when held against human suffering, emotional anguish? What good is any of it, when you cannot be there for the people you love?

Daily Post 0016: Seth’s New Home

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It’s only 10am and already so much has happened. At least it feels like a lot has happened, though most of it has been on the emotional, intangible level.

I tried going to sleep at 3am which was an epic fail.

I tossed and turned until about 5:30, which is when I got fed up with my body and brain and took a little bit of Nyquil. That let me sleep until around 9, which is when for whatever reason someone decided it was a good idea to start banging on the side of my apartment with a hammer.

It’s been relatively quiet for the past week, so I had thought the renovations were done… guess not…

I can’t really be aggravated about it. I mean… I totally could… But I had wanted to get up sort of early to get laundry done and other productive stuff. So I guess the hammers were the Universe’s amusing alarm clock for me since I was so diligent about setting my own.

Thanks, Universe. I think…

I haven’t had my normal coffee yet.

When I was at Walmart the other night I picked up a Bothhouse coffee drink, but since I didn’t have my sushi to go with it I had put it in the fridge. So of course yesterday when I got the sushi I forgot about the drink until after I was already at work. So much lame.

But it sort of worked out, because that meant that I could have part of it for breakfast today. So I’ve had about a ¼ of that with a banana and my vitamin. No slacking there.

Currently I am sitting at the laundry mat washing my cloths.

The big development has been with Seth, my red tail boa.

I needed to clean his tank last night, and when I took him out I noticed that he had a little sore on his nose. It’s like he’s rubbed it raw with trying to get out of his cage.

He had kept me up the other night, moving around constantly.

I felt like an awful parent. My baby was hurt and I didn’t know about it.

How could I not know? How long has he had it? What if it gets infected? Is it because he’s hungry? Should I be feeding him more often? Is there something stressful about the cage that is making him want to get out?

I felt so bad last night.

The whole story behind Seth is a bit involved.

I’ve always wanted a snake. Ever since I was allowed to have pets.

My mom was totally against it though, and the rule was I could have a snake as soon as I moved out.

So one of the things I did with Joe before we ‘broke up’ was to go to a reptile convention where I got a ball python. Gretch.

I loved that snake so much. He was the coolest. My little buddy who understood my reptilian brain.

He went with me to Florida because I was officially moved out and I was finally allowed to have my snake with me.

Gretch ended up getting really sick. There’s a virus that is super common and contagious in boas and pythons. Essentially it attacks the nervous system.

Think of it like snake aids. It’s pretty much a death sentence for the snake.

I could feel Gretch getting weaker when I held him. Eventually he wasn’t able to kill his own food.

I remember the last time I gave him a live kill. He was trying so hard to kill the mouse, but he couldn’t, and the mouse was biting him, trying to survive.

I didn’t blame the mouse. I would have fought too.

But I didn’t want Gretch hurt, and he couldn’t kill the mouse on his own. I ended up killing it for him by breaking the mouse’s neck.

I will never forget that feeling, how sick I felt with myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget what it was like to feel those frail bones break… I still cringe and pull away from the sensation that is irrevocably burned into my fingers.

I have never bought a live kill since then. Even when I got Seth I gave him pre-kills so I would never have to go through that ordeal again.

I knew it was a matter of time for Gretch. I loved him everyday, as much as I could.

Then one morning I woke up and he didn’t.

It sucked. It sucked so bad.

It was 8ish in the morning, and I had to be at class at 9. And unlike normal university, if I was late to class my grade would be affected, as part of a ‘professionalism standard’ that the school tried to instill in the students.

I didn’t have any time to mourn. I didn’t have any time to bury him.

I had to go to class and suffer through 8 hours of lecture and then lab, to come home to Gretch, broken and lifeless.

At the time I was dating Warren #2.

He had thought Gretch was the coolest thing ever. He loved bragging to people about how ‘we’ owned a snake, and how ‘we’ fed it mice.

Honestly he just liked the shock factor it gave people. He never handled Gretch, and he never had anything to do with the feeding.

When Gretch died he suggested we get another snake as a way for me to ‘heal’. I really think he just wanted to continue being the ‘cool guy with a snake’, because even after we got Seth, he never really had anything to do with him, and as Seth got bigger Warren was actually pretty intimidated by him.

I honestly didn’t want another snake. I wasn’t ready. Nothing, no one, could replace Gretch.

He had been my baby.

Back then I was weak, though. I never seemed to be able to stand my ground. Because I knew Warren really wanted a snake I agreed to go to another convention to ‘look’.

Of course we came home with another snake.

A baby red tail boa. He was so small. He fit completely in my palm. And he was so gorgeous. I appreciated him, but I didn’t feel the bond that I had felt with Gretch.

Warren and I were trying to think of a name, and I asked, “If you were to have a boy child, what would you name him?”

Warren answered with Seth.

“That’s what we’ll call him then. Since I’m never going to have kids.”

And so that’s how I got Seth.

When Warren and I broke up I asked if he wanted Seth, since the main reason we had gotten him was for Warren.

Warren said, no, he didn’t really want to take care of Seth.

Which left me with a snake that I wasn’t really bonded to. That I had no real attachment for.

Seth and I had sort of an understanding from that point on. I would feed him, care for him, clean his cage and give him fresh water, but I most likely would never be able to love him. Not like Gretch.

Seth wasn’t mine.

When I would show him to people, or talk about him, he was still my baby, but there was, is, a distance between us, and it’s a distance that I don’t think I will ever be able to close.

It’s not Seth’s fault, and I feel bad that I associate him so strongly with Warren. Seth never asked to be adopted by me. I have struggled for about 3 years to find peace between him and I. But I have never been able to.

And now he is hurt, and I feel that it is from my negligence.

I held Seth for a while last night. Thinking, thinking.

I had talked to Mother Earth about my concerns before she moved to Texas, roughly four months ago now.

I confessed that I didn’t feel a connection with Seth, and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to fix that. That there was a part of me who didn’t want to have Seth anymore, but that he was still my responsibility and I couldn’t just give him away.

She had gently said that maybe it would be better to give him to someone who could love him.

The thought of giving Seth to someone had hurt me. I didn’t ‘love’ him, but I was still his caretaker. He had still been a part of my life for so long. We had a mutual understanding. It felt like I would be betraying that understanding. Breaking that trust.

But the thought stayed in my head. Would it be better for Seth to be with someone else?

And then seeing him hurt I knew that the answer was yes. He would be better with someone else. We were not meant for each other.

He is another reminder of Warren, though no fault of his own. But I can’t detach him from the hurt of that relationship, and it’s not fair of me to essentially neglect Seth because of that hurt.

Once I put him back in his tank I went on Facebook and messaged my cousin.

“Out of curiosity, would you want a snake?”

I wasn’t expecting a response at 3am, so I tried going to sleep.

Between my legs and the discord revolving around Seth I wasn’t able to sleep well..

When I woke up I checked my phone and saw I had a reply from my cousin.

She wasn’t really interested in having a snake.

Ok. I sort of expected that.

Did she know anyone else who would be interested?

Depends. Did he come with a cage?

Yeah. Seth would come with everything, for free. He’s perfectly healthy. [insert long story about why I want him to go to a good home].

Actually, Travis, her fiancé, would love having a snake. Seth could be my wedding gift to him, she suggested.

I can’t think of anything more perfect.

I know Seth would be well cared for by Travis. And I would still be able to see him when I visit. He wouldn’t be out of my world completely.

I’m so happy about that right now. I feel like things will work out, for everyone.

My cloths are drying now, so while that’s going on I’m going to run to the pet store to get Seth a rat and a new hide spot. He hasn’t been using his old one. I think it’s a bit too small for him now, which might be why he was trying to get out of the tank.

So food and a new hide spot. Hopefully that helps.

This feels like the right choice. It feels so good to have a resolution to a problem that has been in my subconscious for so long. I had resigned myself to always having Seth, but now that there is a chance that he can have the home he deserves I having a hard time controlling the feelings of relief.

It’s like a weight, a burden I didn’t even know was there has been lifted and with the relief comes the need to decompress. Of course for me that means the urge to cry.

Everything’s fine. Everything will work out. It’s going to be ok. /cue water from eye balls.

Why are you programmed this way brain? Why?

The woes of being a HSP INFJ I suppose.

Daily Post 0015: All Done

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So I went through not one, but two, to-do lists today. Go me, being a bawce and stuff.

I originally woke up at 8 this morning, but I was still super tired. I wasn’t ready to be awake. So I went back to sleep until around 9:30, though I didn’t get out of bed until about 10:30.

I don’t know why, but my morning was super slow. I was so tired. At first I was worried that it would be a low energy day and that I wouldn’t get anything taken care of.

I started of by having my coffee while poking around at WordPress. I cooked eggs and bacon so the meat wouldn’t go bad. I cross stitched for a little bit, too.

Eventually I ironed my nephew’s cross stitch so I could mount it and put it in the mail since that is something I’ve wanted to do since I’ve gotten back from holiday break.

Before I could mail it I needed to run to school to cut the mounting board so it could be framed. One of the art rooms has a matte cutter, which is one of the coolest things ever by the way.

No cardboard shall ever stand against my might. Muahahahaha!

Pardon me while my crazy artist side hijacks the keyboard…

So yeah, death and destruction aside, I was able to easily cut the mounting board to the size that I needed. I got to see Cameron while I was in the art room, too, which was awesome. He was one of the coolest instructors while I was going through the program, and he’s been nothing but kind and supportive of my endeavors as an employee.

It always makes me smile when I get a chance to chat with him, which, since we’re in different departments, isn’t very often.

Once the cross stitch was set I ran to the store to get a birthday card then off to the post office to get it in the mail.

I stopped by Publix before going back home to get dish srubbies and a sushi lunch.

Normally I would have gotten the sushi last night while I was doing grocery shopping, my treat for interacting with people on my day off. But I didn’t go to Publix last night.

Instead, I went to a new Walmart Market that just opened near school. I was curious if it would fit into my routine better, and if I would get a better selection / price.

It has its pros and cons, but I think overall I’m going to stick with Publix. I get a better selection of shakes and protein bars, plus my sushi. The Walmart isn’t as convenient to get to either, so I’ll just keep it in mind for the 2am shopping adventures that I have to do after lab sometimes.

After I came home I partook of the awesomeness that is sushi and reevaluated my day.

There was the spin class at 6 that I could catch, which left me with about three hours to kill. Totally enough time to get my podcast done and at least start the upload process.

So that’s what I did. Giant to-do off my list.

While the videos were in the uploading process I poked around WordPress again before taking off to the gym.

This week is the make or break week.

It’s something that I have noticed in the past. A pattern.

I do really well. And then life starts happening. Work schedule gets crazy, something happens to make me feel down, I slack off… Any number of things.

It’s usually the third week after I start hardcore pushing myself. If I’m going to slip up, this is the week that it’s going to happen.

I’m aware of it. Conscious of my habits.

I don’t want to mess up. And I’m worried I will.

It was dark by the time 5:40 rolled around. On top of that it was raining. And not just rain, but heavy, cold, winter rain.

I almost didn’t go to the gym. But I knew to keep an eye out for ‘thrid week-itus’, and that if I didn’t I would be kicking myself for it later.

Not only would I be too wired to sleep well, but there really wasn’t a reason for to not to go. It was just weather. That wasn’t an excuse in my book. If I didn’t go my brain was going to find the sharpest stick it could and poke at me, relentlessly.

So I changed and actually went to the class.

I’m not sure why spin classes don’t give me anxiety like other ones do. Maybe it’s because there’s no equipment that I have to figure out. What do I need? Where am I supposed to be? Oh, that’s someone’s spot? My bad…

Yoga gives me a bit of anxiety too, but not as much as the strength classes.

With spin I’m totally fine. I go upstairs to the bike loft, I find a free bike, and then I ignore everyone except the instructor. Seriously, I could care less about who is around me.

And maybe that’s really harsh and unkind of me. But when I’m at the gym I’m in total ‘me time’ mode. The only time I don’t have my headphones in is when I’m in a class. Even in the sauna (since it’s a dry sauna) I’ll have my music playing.

The only things that matter while I’m at the gym are me, my body, and my intentions.

The frustration of work, school, life, it just melts away. I might use that frustration to dig deeper, push harder, but the workout itself is an outlet for negativity. It gives those feelings a way to escape.

I’ve wanted to start going to classes more because I push myself harder with an instructor than I do on my own. The only down side is fighting through the anxiety of the first few classes and getting back into the routine.

My brain, again, bastard that it is, nags at me. You haven’t been in so long. People will wonder why you’re bothering to come back. You won’t be as good as the people around you. You won’t know the routines.

Yeah, brain. Thanks… I really don’t need you to make this worse for me…

So small steps. I’ll start with spin since I’m comfortable there. And that’s what I did.

Terry was teaching the class, which was even better. She’s super nice and friendly and always remembers me.

I did 8.5 miles on a higher gear than normal. My quads weren’t happy with me afterwards, but stretching helped and I was able to walk, not hobble, down the stairs and out to my car. Though getting to my car was more like swimming since it was still raining pretty hard when I left.

I came back home, finished off uploading the videos to Vimeo and YouTube, which left me some time to kill before going into work… So back to WordPress I went.

I guess WordPress is now my Facebook… The thing I go to to fill the void.

One of the tags I follow is INFJ since that’s my personality type. I found several new blogs to follow today, which was pretty cool. One of them actually lives in my home state.

I eventually was able to extract myself from the computer screen to shower and pack up for work. Before I left I jotted down another to-do list of things I wanted to get done during the SAL lab.

So once I got on campus I checked out a recipe for baked garlic chicken. I wasn’t sure if I needed anything from the store, so I wanted to double check the ingredients real fast.

I messaged my older brother about the gift for Jace so he can be looking for it in the mail.

I posted the script I made to Creative Crash with a ‘read me’ final containing instructions. Currently the script is waiting approval, which could take up to 48 hours.

I went ahead and updated my website with the new video, so that project is legit done once the files are green lit.

I made a quick post on WordPress (I swear I don’t have an addiction problem… not that the first stage in denial or anything…) with an image of the interface. Since it’s a visual thing that I created I added it to my Dragon’s Horde to go along with my artwork and cross-stitchings.

I updated RunKeeper with my workout. I’m already at 46.7 miles between biking, rowing, running, and the elliptical. I’m feeling good about that.

After all of that was done I checked my work email, which had several things I needed to take care of. From there I went through my personal email.

A former student had sent me an email earlier in the day letting me know that he had just gotten a job, and that today had actually been his first day. He wanted to thank me for all of the help I gave him while going through school, and that he was sure one of the reasons he was able to get the job at all was because of my support.

It’s emails, cards, messages, little notes scribbled in my notebook when left unattended, like that that make me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my life. That make me love my job.

I helped someone feel accomplished. I helped him get to where he wanted to be. And that makes me feel good.

I went through the content from Frederator. I’m still waiting on most of the content for making my YouTube channel awesome, but there were some things that I could go through and do tonight. So I did.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting the rest of the information tomorrow.

After that I got to work on my new assignments for this week.

We had to post our work from last week onto discussion boards so our classmates can critique our work. I went ahead and did that so it’s over and done with.

I didn’t have any sketching stuff with me so I couldn’t do the Perspective assignments, but that’s on the list for tomorrow. And the Composition and Balance assignment was going to be a bit more involved, so I didn’t want to start that when lab was getting ready to end.

So all in all today was pretty awesome.

I still have a few chores I need to do before calling it quits, but the dishes are done, I’ve eaten, and my post for the day is done.

I feel I can rest knowing that everything is taken care of and that it’s the end of another pretty awesome day.

Dragon’s Horde 0012: RigBox Reborn – Layout Tool

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RigBox_Reborn_ProxyCreation_Interface

This is the interface I created / revamped earlier this week. The tool is coded in PyMel, a version of Python which works inside of Maya, a 3D software package.

Currently the script is pending moderation on Creative Crash.

I have recorded the demo of the script in action, which can be seen here.

I still need to update my website with the new video, but overall I’m labeling this project a success.

Onwards to the next endeavor!