I was supposed to post this last night, but went to bed instead once I got home.

Mmmmm…. Sleep.

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Today has been a bit rough.

I woke up at 8:30 and knew that if I didn’t get to the gym at now-thirty, I most likely wouldn’t go.

I had a banana, coffee, and my vitamin, then got dressed to go to the gym for a spin class.

I felt rested from yesterday, but that meant that I had the capacity to deal with the left over emotional items of yesterday.

Mainly the death of Cleo.

Honestly, I don’t really hurt over her death. I knew she was terminally ill. It was a matter of time and I was prepared for it, at least as much as I could be.

It wasn’t a shock. It wasn’t unjust.

It was life.

Really, the main thing that was eating away at me was the knowledge that I couldn’t be there for my mom.

I woke up unbalanced inside. I didn’t think going to the gym would help. In fact, the thought of being around people really bothered me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the discord inside me from bleeding out.

On the flip side, I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with myself if I didn’t go.

Just walking out to my car, being alone for those few minutes, was hard.

Being alone makes it harder to keep the emotions back, or in check. If no one is around I don’t have to keep my walls up so high.

I knew that before I got to the gym that I was going to cry.

And I did… as soon as I got off the main street and into the empty streets of the subdivision I have to drive through to get to the gym I couldn’t keep the tears back. I didn’t try to, either.

If I let everything out, maybe I would feel more balanced. Not really better, but better able to move on with the day.

No dice, though. I felt more in control by the time I got to the gym. I didn’t have to worry about breaking down during the spin class, but I didn’t feel better internally.

I had a fantastic workout, and for a bit I actually felt alright. 15.5 miles in 45 minutes. At least for the rest of the day I could go on knowing that I was a badass.

Erin was teaching today. She remembered me even though I’ve only been to one of her classes, and that was forever ago.

She runs an intense but fun class. She chatted with me for a while, and I didn’t mind it. It was sort of nice to be around her happiness.

When I got home though it was back to feeling icky.

I would cry a little, then stop, then cry again, the stop… So aggravating.

Jeez, Brain. Make up your mind. I can’t do anything when you jump back and forth like this…

I was cooking lunch (which I was totally proud that I ate) when Joshua and Susan came into the kitchen. They were getting ready to leave since Susan had class. They were just getting some food before they headed out.

They asked how I was, not knowing about Cleo’s passing.

I answered with, “You know, I really hate that question,” with a pained smile.

I suck at lying. And actually that in itself is a lie. I can do it, and I can do it well, but I choose not to. I don’t think it’s right, and when it comes to emotions it’s pretty impossible for me to hide stuff from the people I’m close with.

I hate the “How are you,” question when I don’t feel ok. It drives me batshit insane sometimes.

I’m supposed to give a happy answer, but I can’t, so I’m letting them down.

I’m Jen.

I’m supposed to always be strong and able to help everyone else. I’m not allowed to be hurt or down. No one is supposed to see me sad.

And sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me. I haven’t progressed to that stage yet. I’m still working it out internally. And so being asked, “How are you,” makes me feel pressured, guilty sometimes for not being better able to handle the situation. It can make me feel like my emotional space is being invaded.

I’ve gotten pretty hostile with people in the past for that question. More because I told them how it made me feel to be asked that, and they continued to ask me. So for me it was more about being disrespectful and not caring about my emotions.

I knew that’s not how Joshua and Susan meant their question though. I knew they were just trying to be friendly and seeing how my day was going. But my day was pretty crappy, and as much as I wanted to lie and say I was fine, I wasn’t and I couldn’t hide that fact.

I tried smiling, but I’m pretty sure it looked painful. It felt painful. I said that I would be ok, but that today was really rough. I tried making myself busy so I wouldn’t have to look at either of them, but there wasn’t much for me to do while the burger cooked, so I was left feeling awkward. Trying to be strong and not cry, but those stupid tears were running down my face and I couldn’t stop them, or hide them.

Gah! Not cool. Not cool.

Joshua asked if everything was ok.

Why? Out of all the questions you could have asked, why ask the one that shows that you care and that you are concerned for me? Why make me feel safe and like it’s ok to talk and be weak?

He knew Cleo had been sick, and I felt he deserved to know what was bothering me. I’m his roommate. He has to interact with me, through the good and bad, so he had a right to know why I’m not ok.

I told him that my mom had to put Cleo down yesterday. More tears. It was hard to keep my breathing normal, but I was trying. If I can keep my breathing steady the tears are easier to control.

He said he was sorry. That if I needed anything he was there for me.

Susan asked if she could give me a hug.

I sort of laughed and said that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if she did. So she came up and hugged me and said it was ok.

I cried while she hugged me. I told them how it wasn’t even the death that had me sad. I knew Cleo was going to die. I accepted that.

What bothered me, and made me feel so awful was that I felt like I should be there for my mom and I wasn’t. That I felt useless. All of the times my mom has been there for me and helped pull me through the hard times, and I can’t return the favor.

I ended up calming down, and they left, repeating that if I needed anything to let them know.

I ended up cuddling with Scarlet, thinking about how I needed to do my grading and how I had art homework to work on. So many things I really aught to have been doing other than nothing.

While I was kicking myself mentally, John called me.

He wanted to make sure I was ok, because he thought I would be taking the situation pretty hard.

Cruse brothers and their knowing how my brain works and stuff…

So John and I talked for a while. I told him that I was thinking about taking Saturday off so I could drive home and see mom. I wouldn’t be able to stay long, but it would a little something, a little positive, for both of us.

After talking with him through the logistics and whatnot I came up with my game plan.

I’m going to be driving back home Sunday, and then spending Monday morning / afternoon with mom since she has that day off. As long as I leave before 3 I’ll be able to make it back into town in time for my lab.

Even if I’m not back in time, Frank said he was cool with covering the lab on his own, and I could make up the four hours through the rest of the week.

(Current development: I actually just emailed Clavan, and he said that my trip was fine, that if I needed anything to let him know. )

Since I’m going to be going home, I can take Seth with me and give him to Travis before the week is out.

The plan seemed pretty solid in my mind, the only thing would be to see if mom was cool with me coming to visit for a little bit.

So I called and asked.

She said that really she was fine, but that she would never turn down a visit from me.

We talked for a while. And by the end of the conversation she said she was actually really looking forward to seeing me. That it gave her something good to look forward to rather than focusing on the loneliness.

That made me feel really good. That’s what I wanted for her. To have something to help ease the feelings. To have something good.

I think we both need it. Even if it’s just a few hours of quality time. I think it will be worth the trip to make both of us feel better.

Eventually I set up my computer and got all of the grading done.

I haven’t gotten to my homework yet, but I have looked at the assignments, and I feel they will only take me, at most, two hours. And I have concepts for the Illustrator assignment. So that will just be implementation. Another hour to two.

I’m still pretty low energy. But I think things are better than they were this morning. I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be better than today.

Since I’m going to be out of town on Sunday, I reschedule lunch with Rebecca to this coming Tuesday.

I plan to run Sunday before leaving, and take Monday as a rest day, so I won’t have to feel bad about spending all day in the car and then at lab.

I’m still weary feeling, still emotionally heavy, but I am looking forward to my trip. It’s going to be a crazy amount of driving, but I can listen to Eldest while I drive, I can take care of Seth, I can see my mom, and still be back to work without any issues.

I think this is the right thing to do.