Month: January 2015

Daily Post 0025: Rant Resolved, Worry Ahead

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Yesterday ended up alright.

I did see Jarrett. He replied to my message at 7 saying that he was home if I wanted to stop by to get the money.

No… I really didn’t want to stop by. But I like having money for the bills so I will stop by. Thanks, Responsibility… You’re a jerk…

It actually wasn’t that bad. He invited me in. We talked about our days, which gave me a chance to vent to someone in person, someone who would understand the frustration.

He told me about the issues he’s still having with with roommates, broke laptops, school, and work.

I think we both needed a few minutes of mutual understanding.

I had a cigarette with him, which helped my nerves. I’m not one for smoking, but every once in a while, in social situations, it can help me.

There wasn’t any awkward sexual tension. No animosity. It was actually pretty friendly, which was a relief and one of the positive moments of my day yesterday.

Meeting with the ex, done, and without drama. I’m totally cool with that.

If the rest of my day sucking was the price I had to pay for my meeting with Jarrett to not be a disaster then I’m happy to have paid my dues.

After that I came back to work. Since I had spent my whole break talking, I didn’t get a chance to eat, but with all of the discord I was still feeling I wasn’t really hungry. I know I should have eaten, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I ended up heating up my chili around 9, before the second lab started, and having the yogurt I packed as well. So better late than never.

While I was in my second lab Sabrina asked me to go over my method for painting weights, so we sat down with her file and I went over all of the different tools that I use, the options I set them to and why.

It was a lot of fun getting to dive into things I normally don’t get to cover due to the scoop of our class. And she took notes! I was so happy. My words actually meant something to her.

Desiree came in and we talked about scripting and I got to draw stuff out on the dry erase board which was awesome.

Marc, her boyfriend, was there so we got to talk about modeling stuff. Nicole came in to be part of the conversation. Luis dropped in for a little while before he went home just to say hi.

And really we just talked about totally different random things for most of the lab.

It was fantastic and I really feel it was what I needed. To just hang out and be around people. Relax and have it not be about what I could do for them. It was just conversation.

I ended up hanging out with them outside after the lab, continuing our conversation of randomness. I was at school until about 2am, and it felt good.

I came home, petted Scarlet for a bit, cooked some burger so I could eat again and not be a slacker. I poked around online for a little bit, but didn’t really do much of anything.

After a bit I went to sleep, and slept really well.

I’ve already written for the daily prompt today, which was actually a pretty good one. Yay! My coffee is almost done, and so I’m left looking at my tasks and what needs to get accomplished.

Today I have my yearly review. 3 years.

I’m trying so hard not to let that dig icy fingers into me. It’s going to be fine. Clavan already told me that I’m doing fantastic. I know all of the things I have done this past year. I know I’ve gotten the PROPs award for being in ‘the top 10% of my department’, or something lame like that.

But what if…

And that’s where I start poking my brain with a really sharp stick.

No! We’re not playing that game. No ‘what ifs’. It will be fine. Don’t make me put you in the corner…

Gah. That’s at 4pm. So I have the whole day to fight off my natural instinct to worry.

I need to get to the gym since I haven’t been in two days. I want to get some work done on my next assignment. I need to post the shading assignments that I completed Monday evening still.

There’s a new tutorial series that I wanted to complete this month that I can go ahead and set up the scenes for. Recording them shouldn’t take too much time. Then editing, uploading, and updating my webpage. Poof, done.

There’s a chapter in my programing book I would like to work through before the end of the month. And getting a little bit of stitching in today would be nice since I haven’t gotten to do that in a few days either.

I think today is going to be a smoother day than yesterday. Guess that’s my cue to go be productive.

Prompt Page 0014: Two Right Feet

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“What are the things you need to do within 30 minutes of waking up to ensure your day gets off on the right foot? What happened the last time you didn’t do one of these things?”

How odd that I have my morning routine, but that I never really put much thought into it.

I wake up, pet Scarlet. I relax and allow my muscles to wake up, stretching every so often. I ponder on dreams if I had any. I check my phone for emails and messages. I get up and make my coffee, and then amble / stumble (depending on how much sleep I’ve had) to my computer to reply to said messages and begin my day.

But really those are the external actions that I do. The things that can be seen. The rinse repeat of the day to day that some may think of as mundane.

Truly the first thing I do is wake up. I wake up and realize that I am awake. That today is a new day. That yesterday is in the past, and tomorrow is in a land far off, and that all I have is this one moment.

I have this day to live for as long as the Universe will let me, and that’s it.

I have a moment, before visible actions, where I make a choice.

Today can either be a good day or a bad day.

Sometimes my days are crazy.

Sometimes they packed with meetings and critiques and errands.

Run here, go there, by the way that one thing is now a blazing ball of fire. You might want to take care of that…

I can’t change how events go, how the plans I make (like yesterday… ) sometimes don’t work out.

All I can do is accept that I have been given a day, this single day, and that it’s my choice to embrace it, bumps, pot-holes and all, or not.

It is fully within myself to have a good day or a bad day.

And each morning I have that conversation with myself. Sometimes before I even open my eyes.

I rest, breathing, thinking.

What type of day will I have? What do I have to do? What do I want to do?

I see myself doing those things. I picture what it will be like to complete my actions. I let myself envision feelings of success and accomplishment.

I see myself having a good, productive, energizing day. And then I get up to actually have it. To reach for it. Achieve it.

It’s already there, all I have to do it seize it. Make it mine. Own it.

This month works out really well. I go to sleep naturally; I wake up naturally (no alarms). I’m normally able to get to the gym, which is something that gives me fulfillment. I am able to take time for myself and get the solitude that I need. I have the time and energy for my personal projects and work.

Even a little bit of socialness has snuck it’s way in.

Look at me, being an overachieving introvert and stuff. /pat on back

This month has been working well for me, and I’m taking full advantage of it while I can.

Other months my schedule isn’t as kind, and those morning conversations aren’t as positive. Sometimes those morning conversations with myself is my inner scientist / mother trying to drag my four year old self out of my mental bed.

“But I don’t want to! There’s people, and things, and stuff. I just want to stay here! I don’t want to be an adult and take care of life. All I want is to hide inside my blanket fort and color with glitter crayons! Maybe bake cookies… ”

Sometimes it is really, really hard to care. Sometimes it really does feel like forcing myself.

Not everything is bright, sunny rainbows all the time.

But no matter what, it is my choice to look at it as good or bad. How I handle and react to situations is totally within my control, and I can let it mess with my inner peace or not. That is my choice and mine alone.

And I like to think that, for the most part, I do a pretty good job of finding the positive in my life and living it to the fullest I am able.

Daily Post 0024: Incoming Rant

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Just a fair warning. Today is going rough, and this is a rant about it. Sort of introspective towards the end. Writing really helped me work though most of the feelings, and I will continue to look inward to find the peace I know is there.

I keep having to tell myself that today doesn’t suck. I keep having to put extra effort into remembering the good, positive things that have happened.

But the longer the day goes on the harder and harder it is.

I’m overwhelmed right now. Over stimulated.

I want to be at home. Alone.

I don’t want Joshua or Susan to be at the apartment having tickle fights and reminding me that I don’t have anyone to do things like that with.

I don’t want an involved committed relationship. And really, I’m fine as long as I don’t have constant reminders of my lack of physical touch.

No hugs, no holding hands, no cuddles.

Just Jen. The walking dictionary, with answers to everyone’s questions.

Dictionaries don’t need hugs.

And honestly, for real, not just saying it so people don’t worry about me, I’m cool as long as it’s not flaunted in my face, in my safe space, that I don’t have that level of affection in my life at the moment.

It’s like when you’re hungry. You can ignore it, keep working, doing your thing, as long as there isn’t a four course meal sitting in front of you, reminding you that, oh yeah, you haven’t eaten, but you can’t have anything of the stuff that’s there. It’s not yours.

I wanted today to go the way it was supposed to, the way it was planned. And it hasn’t.

It’s like every move I tried to make the Universe was like, “Lawl, one second.” And then bam. Brick wall in my face.

I was still recovering from my trip, but I had hopes that though I would be low energy today, that it would be good.

I stayed at school last night for a little while. Frank offered to let me leave early. He could tell that I was having a rough time. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want the noise in my ears, the chatter. I didn’t want the energies of other people around me.

I needed solitude.

So when he offered to let me go I told him how grateful I was. How I hardcore owed him.

Instead of going home I went over to our offices. I new it would be empty that late at night, and I figured I could work on some of my art homework as a way to unwind from my trip and still be productive.

There were a bunch of students in the lobby though, and I ended up helping one person with a script they were working on, and chatting with another group for roughly 30 minutes. I couldn’t extract myself out of the conversation any sooner than that.

I finally made it up stairs, and I really enjoyed the silence. I was able to complete all of the shading assignment and got the images scanned. All I have to do is post the images for grading.

It was so nice and relaxing. I had a cup of coffee since there’s a coffee machine upstairs, and it was warm and soothing. The shading gave me something relatively easy to do so I was able to let my mind wonder and not really have to focus on higher-level thinking.

I was starting to feel better. Not that I really felt bad. Just with the trip, it was nice to have some time to just breathe. To not worry about being somewhere on time, or fixing someone’s problem. It was ‘me time’ where all I had to do was exist. Where simply existing was enough.

I went home after my sketching was done.

Joshua and Susan were in the middle of being intimate, which normally wouldn’t bother me. But I had wanted to set up my laptop out in the living area and poke around a bit more on my computer, or cross-stitch. But I couldn’t do that.

So I went to my room instead, and willed myself to sleep so the day would be over.

When I woke up, like I said I knew it would be a ‘low’ day, but I had things I could get done, so it should still have been a good day. And logically I know it’s not a ‘bad’ day, but it’s so hard not to think of it as one.

I woke up super early. I went to sleep around 3 and woke up at 8:30. If I had gotten up I could have gone to a spin class, but I was ok with the thought of going to the gym later, at 3pm.

So I was going to take the morning to myself. Take it slow and easy, sort of a thing.

I enjoyed a breakfast of coffee, part of an apple with honey, and a little bit of cheese. It was going good until Joshua and Susan started having a tickle contest or something.

My inner introvert just wasn’t ready for it. I needed to be alone, and hearing other people wasn’t being alone.

I gathered up my laundry and left the apartment. I needed to do this anyway so, whatever. I’ll leave and let them do their thing, and I’ll go ahead and start my day.

When I got to the laundromat I messaged Jarrett. We were supposed to meet at 11am so he could give me part of the money he owes for the bills. He would only have $100 out of the $160, but that was still a lot better than nothing, and it showed an effort to pay me back.

Well, he replied saying that he had misread my message and thought we were supposed to meet tomorrow. He was already on the bus heading to work.

Awesome…

We could meet up later he offered.

I told him I would be at work from 5pm until 1am, but that I had a break at 7 if we wanted to try to meet then. Or I could stop by after work if he was still awake.

He said he could stop by school most likely, and that he would let me know later if that was an option.

Currently I haven’t heard anything else from him.

I hadn’t been looking forward to seeing him. In fact I was having pretty intense anxiety over it. I didn’t want to be around anyone, much less someone who makes me feel so strongly.

I wasn’t in a good position to see him earlier, and I’m totally not now. I want a rock to hide under.

So that was a bust, and I accepted that change in my day. I went in and got my laundry started.

I had planned to use the time to do the reading for my class. There’s wifi at the laundromat, and a charging station. I hadn’t thought it would be a big deal that my laptop was dead. I could charge it there…

Wrong…

There was another person sitting there using their laptop.

Ok… So no homework…

Laundry would only take 20ish minutes to wash, so I couldn’t really go anywhere…

Alright. I’ll meditate instead. Combat the build up of stress, be proactive.

And I did. I found a song that I could zone out to, and focused on my breathing.

Once the wash was done I switched it to the dryer, which would be 40 minutes. Long enough that I could run to school, which is super close by, and charge my laptop for a bit, maybe get some administrative stuff done for work.

Mild productiveness. That would turn the day around.

I pulled into the parking lot and the first thing I see is Ari’s car.

I was so not even remotely interested in dealing with that.

I felt so trapped.

I couldn’t be at the apartment because of Joshua and Susan. I couldn’t be at the laundromat because Mr. Dude was at the only outlet. I couldn’t be at school because Ari would be in the break room.

I had lunch with Rebecca at 1, so I couldn’t really justify going somewhere else like the McDonalds, just to go out somewhere else in an hour.

Frustrated, I called my mom.

I told her how my day was going. How I was frustrated, and I didn’t really know what to do. I wasn’t looking for a fix, or an answer to my woos. Just someone to let me rant for a minute.

It was like every step I tried to take I was being pushed backwards. I just wanted to get something done. Was that really so much to ask for?

While I was on the phone with my mom I saw a car pull in that looked a lot like Joshua’s. My mom and I stayed on the phone until it parked, and I was so happy to see it was Joshua and Susan.

The apartment would be empty! Huzzah! The day was perfect!

My mom and I hung up and I went back to the laundromat. Mr. Dude wasn’t at the station anymore, so I was able to hook my computer up and got some stuff done. Jovanny and I arranged to check out my desktop Friday evening, so that’s awesome.

I restructured Omnifocus a little, which is something I’ve been wanting to do. I went through my email. Minor things, but things that needed to get done.

Movement forward! Score! My great comeback for the day had started!

With laundry finished I had enough time to go home and actually put it away. The apartment was quiet and perfect.

I even took care of the cat food and water and litter box while I was home, then dashed out to be to lunch on time.

I was actually super happy that I was early. I was going to get our table…

Until I realized that I didn’t have my wallet with me…

For fucks sake, Universe. Could you please pick on someone else? Please, just a little? It’s not like I still have an eight-hour shift to work through or anything…

So I had to message Rebecca and let her know what had happened and that I would be late.

I almost thought about rain checking it. But this was the one thing I had been looking forward to today. So not. Screw you, Universe. This is happening. Even if you’re plotting against me.

So I went back home, again, to get my wallet. And wouldn’t you know it… Joshua and Susan were back home…

I didn’t even sigh. At the point I wasn’t surprised. I got my wallet, then went back to Chili’s. I could feel myself shutting down. Lockdown mode. No feelings. All walls.

I actually had a pretty fantastic lunch. There was good conversation with Rebecca and we both shared our stories of crazy hectic days that weren’t going as planned.

After lunch I went back home. There it was 2:40. If I left at 3:30 for the gym I could still get a good workout in.

Joshua and Susan where still at the apartment when I got home.

No solitude.

I couldn’t even be angry and frustrated any more. I just gave up. Resigned.

Susan was in the living room. I went to my room, put a song on repeat on my phone, and curled up with Scarlet on my bed, desperately ignoring the fact that I wasn’t alone.

That I wouldn’t be for the rest of the day… Or tomorrow… Or the day after… That my schedule currently sucks for the rest of the week and I have no idea how I’m going to survive.

All I could think was how I was going to have to come into work and answer non-stop questions. How the second lab has the one student in it that has literally done nothing to help himself pass this class, no notes, no tutoring, no nothing.

How I’m going to have to see Jarrett.

How I wasn’t ready for this. There was no way I was going to be ready, mentally, for work.

I didn’t go to the gym.

I didn’t want the risk of having seeing Terry, or Erin, or anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to be social. I wanted to be alone. This all consuming thought, this need.

So I stayed alone as long as I could. I showered, dressed, and came into work. I wore flip-flops because my shoes still weren’t dry from the wash.

Some students said hi to me while I was going to my lab. I said hi back but didn’t try to engage like I normally would. I saw Ari… Of all the people to run into…

She’s already messaged me on Facebook, which I’m ignoring.

I went to set up my laptop and realized I left my headphones in my car because I had used them for meditating earlier…

And now I’m sitting here writing. Getting interrupted every so often with questions that I have no idea how I’m answering.

I don’t know where I find these hidden reserves of will power.

I don’t know how I’m not flipping tables right now.

I desperately want to be alone. I would barter a lot for having the rest of the night, a normal work schedule for once, to myself.

I want it so bad I could cry in frustration.

I don’t’ want to fix other people’s problems right now. I want people to be self-sufficient and to find the answers themselves for once. And even as I write that I know that’s really just my inner introvert freaking out, rather than things I actually mean.

I don’t mind answering questions. I don’t mind helping people.

I mind when I’m overwhelmed and it feels like no one cares enough to give me space.

But that isn’t fair of me, because I haven’t told anyone that I need space.

I haven’t told Joshua how I felt pushed out of the apartment this morning.

Ari knows that I’m not interested in her. She hasn’t been overly pushy or clingy. But she’s the last person I want to be around right now. And one of the last people I want to deal with. Every interaction with her is an acrobatic feat of walking on eggshells.

I’m sorry I’m not interested in you. It’s nothing personal. It’s not rejection. It’s not because somehow you are unworthy.

It’s the fact that we’re not compatible and I’m not going to disrespect you or myself by playing pretend. There’s nothing wrong with just being friends. If you would back off enough to not suffocate what’s left of that friendship, that is.

You’re also a co-worker. It’s awkward for me. You make it feel like I can’t be here when you are because it’s an uncomfortable situation for me. I can’t even run into you in the hall, surrounded by other people, without having to hold my breath, praying that you won’t try to hug me, because I don’t want you in my personal space.

And it sucks because I know you don’t mean it in a bad way. But you know how I feel and so every time you make an infraction it feels like disrespect.

It would be really nice to not feel like the bad guy, when I’m the one who’s personal space is constantly invaded, violated.

And then there’s the whole Jarrett thing.

I don’t, hardcore don’t, want to see him. I don’t want to hug him, I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t think I have it in me to deal with an ex right now. Part of me will want the reassurance that I used to feel from him. I know I will. I’ll want to hide in his arms and let him be the strong one.

I’ll want to breathe in his scent and remember that at one point, not so long ago, I thought he would be my forever. I’ll want that happiness that I had. A part of me will want to forget and for a little while just pretend that things are ok between us. That there isn’t this giant canyon of hurt between us.

But he’s not my forever. And there is all of the hurt still associated with him. There are all of those hurtful words, those text messages, the lies.

I couldn’t pretend. No matter how much I want to.

There’s still the stress of not knowing if he’ll be out of the apartment on time. There’s the stress of not knowing if he’s destroyed it. If he’ll be out with enough time for me to go in and clean it up so we can get more of the security deposit back.

I still have to figure out when to get the Internet equipment back from him so I can turn it in.

There are all of these factors, all of these unknowns. And I don’t want to be an adult and deal with it right now. I want these issues to figure themselves out. Or evaporate. Or, hell, I don’t know, be resolved the way I plan for them to be resolved. There’s a novel idea.

Things working out the way they’re supposed to.

I don’t think I was asking for too much today.

And it sucks even more because I know the discord I feel inside is completely my own doing. If I would just let go of what I had planned, these ‘could have beens’ and just accept the reality of the day, then this imbalance, this discord would go away.

Nothing was unjust. Nothing was unfair. It was just different. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Good things have happened. I know they have.

I did all of laundry, and put it away
I cleaned up Omnifocus
I got the first assignment done already for school
I had lunch with Rebecca
I updated my GoDaddy information
My inbox is at zero
I have done all of my chores for today

It’s not a bad day. I know it’s not.

So why is it so hard for me to accept that? Why can I not recognize the good and accept that different doesn’t mean bad?

Daily Post 0023: Achievement Unlocked – Crazy Road Trip of Awesome

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The past 48 hours have been busy, but fantastic.

Sunday I woke up and took most of the morning to myself, relaxing before beginning the day and preparing for my spur of the moment trip.

Seriously, going anywhere without at least two weeks (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but not by much…) of planning is pretty unheard of for me.

I had my coffee and breakfast, and then went to the bike trail where I had a fantastic run.

On the elliptical I’ve been doing roughly 15 minute miles. When I run the trails I’m usually closer to 18 minutes.

Sunday I was at a 17 minute mile. That’s a 1 minute improvement. /flex

Totally proud of that.

My shins were pretty ok afterwards, too, which was even better. A lot of the soreness was muscle based, which I’m ok with.

I can deal with my muscles being sore. It’s a different matter when it feels like my bones are trying to twist in half.

I think I’ll wait until Wednesday to run again so I don’t agitate my shin splints. It’s nice being able to walk without pain.

I know myself though, and it’s going to be so hard to resist the urge to run tomorrow…

Once I was done with my run Sunday, I came back home and started on my weekend chores. I wanted those to be done and out of the way so when I came back from my trip there wouldn’t be anything that needed to be taken care of.

After spending 12 of 24 hours driving I knew I wouldn’t be much use once I finally got home.

The only thing I didn’t get to was vacuuming, which I was ok with. The apartment isn’t bad, and it’s more a habit than a need. If it really bothers me I can do it tomorrow morning.

Joshua helped me get Seth’s tank into my car, which was awesome.

I didn’t get on the road until 3pm, way later than what I wanted, but I left with the peace of mind that the apartment was taken care of, and that I wouldn’t be rushed to do anything Monday evening.

I drove the 6 hours to my cousin’s house, listening to Eldest most of the way there. There’s 23 hours in this audio book… I didn’t even make a dent…

I dropped Seth off with Travis and Mandie.

Travis was in instant love with Seth, so I’m really hoping that they bond. It was nice to know Seth was going to someone who knew snakes. We talked all sorts of facts, and exchanged snake info.

It was good conversation that I haven’t been able to have with anyone else in a while.

Lame non-snake people not wanting to talk about snakes and stuff…

After I left my cousin’s house I called my mom to let her know I would be home in about 30 minutes. Since I was out I offered to pick up dinner for both of us. She said if I ‘happened to find myself at a Checkers that she wouldn’t mind a burger…’

So I got her a Baconzilla and I had a Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I hadn’t really eaten anything on my trip up, so I was super hungry by the time I got home.

We chatted for a little bit, but I was tired from my busy day of chores, running, and driving. So I went to sleep around 11.

That meant I woke up around 8:30.

Mom was already awake. She most likely woke up a zero dark thirty or something crazy early.

We chatted a bit more then decided that it would work better to have breakfast together instead of waiting for lunch. So we went to Cracker Barrel.

Afterwards we went to a gas station close to the on ramp for the interstate and had mocha frappe-fdjalkfjalkjtalkl or whatever they’re called from McDonalds and stood around and talked more.

Any time I have to order a coffee from somewhere I always think of this Dunkin Donuts commercial.

Really, my trip was just a lot of social together-ness time, which was super awesome. I think we both needed a nice positive visit. Something to help ease the loss of Cleo.

We talked about her feelings about making the choice to put her down. The corrosive question of “Did I do the right thing?”

I think it helped to talk to someone, face to face, who knew the whole situation. Who knew Cleo personally and could share in the feelings. I feel like my mom and I have very similar personality types, and I think having understanding from someone else means a lot for her.

I think the trip home was the right choice and I’m glad I did it.

Mom was super awesome and gave me $25 bucks for gas. Since it only took me about $30 to get home, that pretty much covers half of my trip. She also sent me home with food stuffs since she loves couponing and gets amazing deals on different things.

I ended up getting on the interstate at noon, which was when I wanted to leave. But there was road work going on, so I didn’t really start making any progress until around 1…

That first hour sucked hardcore.

But other than that, the trip was pretty good. Light traffic, sunny day, good music. No complaints from me.

Grace and I were supposed to do dinner, but she had to cover for one of her Kendo instructors, so we rain checked for doing wings on Wednesday after my SAL lab at midnight.

Super late for most people, normal hours for my circle, though.

Right now I’m in SAL lab as Frank does another demo. My brain is a bit fried. I’ve uploaded my last week’s assignments to the discussion board. I’ve downloaded the content for this week and have looked at the assignments.

This week we’re moving into color theory and shading. The assignments look like a lot of fun. And I can’t wait to start the color assignment so I can play with my new tablet. <3

It’s going to be amazing. The thought of that tablet is doing things to my brain.

Mmmmm. Art… /mind wanders

Wait, blogging… right… back on track.

I have reading I could do for my assignments, but I don’t know if I have it in me to research / comprehend right now.

I have cross-stitching with me and even that seems like it would be too much for my poor mushy brain. Poor thing… all tuckered out.

Tomorrow is another full day. Jarrett is supposed to have money for me. Only $100 out of the $160, but that’s still a majority of it… if he has it. That’s at 11am.

I need to do laundry. Since the laundry mat I like going to is near Jarrett it won’t be too much of a hassle to work that into the day. Rebecca and I are supposed to have lunch at 1pm. I have lab at 5pm to 1am, so I need to find time for the gym before then, most likely around 3ish. If it starts pushing 4pm I’ll feel rushed and won’t have a very good workout.

I really aught to do strength tomorrow. Unless I wake up super early, I’m not going to be able to catch a class, which is lame.

I’m hoping after some quality sleep that I will feel more up to my coming day. Right now I’m wondering how I will survive it.

Prompt Page 0013: Re-springing Your Step

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“Tell us about the last experience you had that left you feeling fresh, energized, and rejuvenated. What was it that had such a positive effect on you?”

I suppose it would have to be seeing Lester’s post about my new script.

Very few things are as empowering as positive feedback for me.

Constructive criticism is good. It gives me a direction to go. A way to become better than what I currently am. It fuels my drive to improve.

But the positive feedback, the knowing that my work is of quality, useful, and appreciated, does things to my brain that nothing else can do.

It gives me a huge confidence boost, which makes me want to tackle bigger and larger problems. I was able to overcome the hurtles behind me, so I’ll be able to handle the ones ahead of me. All I have to do is try.

Heaps and heaps of motivation. Gaining more followers, having likes on my videos, and receiving emails and comments makes me want to keep pushing and producing.

Seeing that people appreciate the time and effort I put into a free project makes me feel like it is a worthwhile endeavor. Hearing how my scripts help others makes me feel like I’m making positive ripples in my sphere of influence, which makes me want to keep doing positive things.

I’m helping people, which is what I feel my true calling in life is. To do good and make the world better, in whatever small ways I can.

And pride.

Pride in my work.

Pride in myself.

I am proud to say, “Yes, I made those scripts.” “Yes, my scripts are used in studios.” “Yes, I could charge for them, but that’s not why I made them, so I’m not going to.”

I am proud of the reputation I have built, and continue to build every day. I am proud of the direction I am going as a person and an artist.

I’m proud of my decision to come to Florida and pursue a career that I felt in my heart was right. That I stuck with it even when some people who were really close to me told me I wasn’t going to be successful. That it was a bad choice. That I was wasting my time, and that it was an ‘art degree’.

Screw you. It’s a Bachelors of Science.

I don’t care if I had purple hair when I got my degree, and that somehow that makes my degree ‘less’ in your eyes. That’s like saying I can’t teach when I wear flip-flops because my knowledge will leak out of my toes.

I don’t care that you don’t think of it as technical and hard. The truth doesn’t care if you believe in it. It will still be true regardless of what you think.

I’m happy with my choices, and I’m sorry you couldn’t be happy for me. I’m sorry your self-loathing was still eating away at you and that you felt like you had to tear me down so you could pull yourself up.

I’m not going to be sorry that I refused to back down, though. I’m not going to be sorry for not listening to you and for proving you wrong.

And if I am honest, there is a vindictive part of me who enjoys the fact that by being successful I am making those people eat their words. I know that is low, and shallow, but I like knowing that I am proving them wrong, and that they are not able to share in these warm, positive feelings with me. That they chose not to support me, and so now they can only watch from the sidelines.

I am proud that my mom can take pride in having me as her daughter (even if I have character flaws like vindictiveness that I need to work on…).

I feel I bring her honor by being successful and respected within my career field.

I feel strong, competent, and able.

I feel it all comes back to my favorite quote:

I’m going to succeed…
because I’m crazy enough to think I can.

Weekly Saga 0002: And What a Saga It is

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What a crazy week. Ups, downs, rights, lefts. Overall a huge success.

And this weekly saga is one time. Go me!

I wrote a handful for daily prompts this week, though most of them I felt were lame. And there were a few additions to my Dragon’s Horde.

Here are what I feel my key events for the week were:

Completed Rigbox Reborn – Proxy Creation Tool

Create deme
Posted demo to Youtube and Vimeo
Posted script to Creative Crash
Updated website

Mailed Jace’s birthday present
Received an email from Kyle about his new job
Began the on-boarding process with Fredenator
Found a new home for Seth
Cleo passed on

Got a freelance opportunity
Finished reading Eat That Frog
Declined an invitation to work on the Red Robin project
Held PCC Critiques
Went to an Freelance Do’s and Don’ts seminar

Had first official meeting for Project Break Room
Was featured in a Lesterbanks.com post
Completed my yearly review paperwork
Completed the Dragon of Fire cross-stitch
Bought a Wacom tablet of sexiness

Right now I’m about to shower from my run and start the trip home. It’s later than I would have liked to get started, but I’m happy with everything that I have gotten done today, and with this week.

Here’s to next week. Cheers.

Prompt Pages

 An Audience of One          Pens and Pencils

Pleased to Meet You

Dragon’s Horde

 Dragon of Fire          Perspective Exercises

Rigbox Reborn – Layout Tool

Prompt Pages 0012: Pleased To Meet You

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 “Write a post in which the protagonists of two different books or movies meet for the first time. How do they react to each other? Do they get along?”

Stuff like this frustrates me.

It’s like some of the conversations guys I hang out with have every once in a while. And even then, with people I know and respect, I roll my eyes and try to extract myself from the situation quickly so as not to show my aggravation.

“If Superman and Batman fought, who would win?”

Can you find a bigger waste of time and intelligence?

Wait… on second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t want you to think of that as a challenge…

 They’re fictional characters, so you can make whatever story you want. There doesn’t have to be logic or reason. It’s fake.

Superman is an alien so he shouldn’t count to begin with.

I like my books and stories to stay separate, contained in their own worlds, not merging together and bleeding all over each other.

That’s messing with the original idea of the author, which, in my mind, writing is just another form of art.

I’m not going to go up to someone else’s picture and start painting the sky a sunset pink because I don’t like the blue they used.

That’s rude, inconsiderate, and bastardizing the original idea. In a way it’s almost spiting in their face.

“I don’t like your idea so I’m going to change it to what I think it should be. K. Thanks. Bye”

As an artist that’s a giant slap in the face.

Sorry my idea wasn’t good enough for you. Go fuck yourself.

Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m overly sensitive to things like that.

I could also be taking this prompt totally out of context because my brain likes to go off on random, overly deep tangents. But those are my feelings.

You can totally use something for inspiration. After all, we see far because we stand on the shoulders of giants. But at some level there is a line, which shouldn’t be crossed.

And at some level there are better things to do with time and energy.

Leave the work the way it is. Enjoy the masterpiece, the colors, shapes, textures, feelings, and be happy with what it is as a whole. Enjoy the reality of what something is, rather than wishing for what it could be.

Daily Post 0022: Love From Vimeo

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What a day.

I woke up early again. 7:30. There was a spin class at 8:30, but like yesterday, I stayed in bed.

I got up around 8:30, had coffee, caught up on all the WordPress posts I haven’t been able to read, and wrote a few things of my own.

I had a dream last night about my yearly review, and the prompt today was interesting and worthwhile.

I actually did end up getting an email from Clavan.

Remembering my dream I hesitantly opened it. Luckily he was emailing to figure out what day would work best to have my review.

Guess I filled out everything on the form right. Huzzah!

My review is going to be next Wednesday. / cue dread and anxiety

I took a little bit to figure out my game plan for the day then showered so I could get it started.

I ran to the bank first to get money for my food budget and the $100 for the tablet, then went to the store.

Since today was grocery day that meant sushi for lunch. Omnomnomnom : E

I got a sweet tea while I was at Publix instead of my normal Bothhouse drink.

Once I came home I boiled some eggs to go in my tuna and browned turkey that had been in the freezer so I could make chili.

At 3:40ish I packed my lunchbox, gym bag, and computer bag then headed out to the gym. I had a pretty good workout. A light 15 minutes on the elliptical with a cool down around the upstairs track.

It was soooo hard not to run. My legs feel great. No pain at all in my shins and my muscles are ready to go.

I’m going to be pissed if my run tomorrow sucks.

After showering again I came into work.

Clavan came into lab for a little while, and I mentioned my dream to him. He said that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. That it would be fine.

Telling me to not worry is like telling me to not breath, though. I’ll let you know how that goes…

Labs were good today.

Sam came in for a little while so we talked about some family issues she’s having. Sabrina gave me the tablet and I gave her the money for it. I finished the Dragon of Fire cross-stitch, which will be posted shortly.

I found a new awesome song.

Dreamcatcher by Blue Stone

I’ve started a new cross-stitch already. The Dragon of Hope.

I ended up getting a comment on my Vimeo video; the one demoing the script I just posted.

The person said that a lot of the functionality of my tool was already built into Maya, so what was beneficial about using my tool.

That was a fun comment to reply to.

Diplomacy is telling someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

I basically said that honestly there wasn’t anything super special about my tool. That I didn’t like having to jump between the animation and modeling tabs, and that having all of the options I needed in one interface was useful for my workflow.

I almost mentioned that my tool offered more renaming options for objects, as well as automated processes, which aren’t available inside of Maya natively.

I also said that I didn’t need my tools to be shiny or fancy. I needed them to be useful, and if they are useful for me, maybe they could be useful for others, which is why they were online for free.

He seems like a bit of a jerk though. I did a little bit of Internet stalking, reading other comments he has posted on Vimeo, and he just seems abrasive. So I’m not putting any more energy into it.

I had another email, one that I woke up to this morning actually. There was a guy asking if I could create another toolset. One geared towards UVs.

Since I don’t mess with those I told him I would need a screen recording of his workflow, and a list of the options he would be looking for.

He had a few suggestions for other options that I’ll keep in mind for late tools. But I don’t think that email is really going to go anywhere.

I happened to check Lesterbanks.com today.

Lester is super awesome, and is one of the main reasons I have the following I do in the rigging community. When I first posted my scripts (forever ago it seems) he wrote an article about them.

I got so much exposure. I wanted to hide under a rock for the rest of my life and take all of my contend down.

I was so terrified. Like, hard core anxiety.

What if people thought my work was terrible? What if people thought it was stupid and lame? What if I got negative feedback? What if, what if, what if?

It was so amazing though, and I’m so grateful to Lester. I got so much positive feedback, and have made so many connections because of him.

We’ve exchanged emails back and forth over the years, and whenever I make something I feel is worth pushing I let him know about it.

Well, I didn’t think this tool really warranted a post, so I didn’t message Lester. But he was super fantastic and made a new article anyway.

I’ve been getting so many follows and likes on my Vimeo page for it. And I’m sure my downloads are as high as they are because of him.

I sent him an email saying thank you, and that I wanted him to know how much I appreciate his support. I also said that he’s fantastic and I hoped his new year was off to a good start.

Seeing the new follows and likes is a huge motivation. It really makes me want to keep producing.

I enjoy these feelings of accomplishment, and I’m glad I have them back. I feel worthwhile. Like I’m doing something positive.

Tomorrow I get to go running (finally!), and then travel home to see my mom. I can’t wait.

And with that I’m going to go so I can make tomorrow get here faster.

Prompt Page 0011: Pens and Pencils

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“When was the last time you wrote something substantive — a letter, a story, a journal entry, etc. — by hand? Could you ever imagine returning to a pre-keyboard era?.”

The-night-I-lost-control

Anyone who has to switch between
Mac and Windows will know this pain…

A lot of the writing I do is by hand. And I think of all of my writing as substantive.

There is a reason for me putting energy into the action of writing with a pen, pencil, marker, blood-covered quill tip, or a keyboard.

If there weren’t a reason to write, I wouldn’t be doing it.

I write most of my to-do lists by hand, scribbled out in a spiral notebook each morning while I enjoy my coffee. These little lists, these ‘scribbles’, are the foundations for most of my days.

They are my road maps and guides for when things get crazy and overwhelming. They keep me focused and on track. They keep me productive and accountable for my actions and time.

The critiques I do for my students are almost always by hand, which I then type up into a Word document.

Writing into a notebook is easier than having to switch back and forth between programs. As I see an issue or have a thought I jot it down into the notebook. Order doesn’t matter, wording doesn’t matter.

Once I am done with the critique I can then go back and type it up, highlighting key points, organizing the thoughts into a structure that flows from one task to another, gradually walking them through the issues one at a time.

I can break it into sections as well. “These are your joint issues. These are things you want to take a look at for your icons. This section isn’t really important, just ideas you may be interested in.”

Coding demonstrations I normally do by hand, either on the dry erase board or on paper, because it seems to be easier for students to follow. I am also able to draw on top of the code, which would be harder to do on the computer.

The drawing allows me to show how different code elements connect to one another, and how the computer is truly handling the information we give it. It a way it is like connecting the dots.

I have not written a story in a very long time, though when I did write it was normally by hand first. I liked the feeling of the paper under my hand, the pencil or pen moving, etching my thoughts into physical existence.

I don’t really have a reason for not writing, but currently I don’t think it will really be something that I put much energy into.

I have too many other endeavors going on, and I do not feel unfulfilled for not doing it. So if nothing is broke there is nothing to fix.

I could write my posts by hand, but since they are free form and I do very little editing I do not see a point in putting my thoughts on paper first, only to transfer them to the computer.

They are organic and, in my mind, perfect the way they are.

If I were to write on paper first then I would have the ability to edit my thoughts as I typed them over, which would be missing the point of writing.

My writings are a snap shot of my thoughts and emotions at a specific point in time. Going back and rewriting them would alter them, and they would no longer be as pure.

So to answer the prompt’s question, yes.

I could go back to a pre-keyboard era, mostly because I still function perfectly fine on a daily basis without a keyboard.

I dislike touch screens, and I feel there is a level of detachment when using technology verses doing things in an older fashion. I like the physical world, to the point where I actually like engaging with it from time to time.

However, I see the advantages to technology and how it can improve the tasks that I want to do, both work related and personal.

I leverage technology when I need to, rather than using it as a crutch.