Month: January 2015

Prompt Page 0017: Embrace the Ick

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“Think of something that truly repulses you. Hold that thought until your skin squirms. Now, write a glowing puff piece about its amazing merits.“

I feel sort of lame for not having much motivation for the prompts recently. There’s just not much coming to mind when I read them.

Maybe that’s a lack of imagination on my part. But regardless of the reason I just haven’t been feeling all that inspired.

The title of this prompt interests me more than the actual prompt itself, and so, as I feel it has become the norm for me, I’m going to go off in a totally different direction than what is intended. : D

When I read the title “Embrace the Ick” I think about life.

All those moments that you don’t want to go through at the time, but feel accomplished for later.

There was an instructor at my gym who always pushed our class really hard. She was fantastic.

She retired about a year ago, but I’ll never, ever forget her.

She always had this saying, “Get comfortable with uncomfortable.”

I would always be so motivated by that simple phrase.

We can’t experience growth or change by remaining where we’re at, safe, comfortable, and complacent.

There has to be a little bit of uncomfortable, a little bit of ‘ick’ in order to propel us into action.

Even with the start of this freelance project I’m about to undergo, or the podcasts I create, stepping into a class I haven’t been to before, posting a new script online, posting a new piece of artwork… Even with things I have done over and over again in past and have been successful at, there’s this moment of fear, anxiousness, breathless excitement.

What will happen?

It is the unknown that causes fear, yet at the same time entices.

Things that we dread, are repulsed by, and pointedly avoid tend to be the things that if we confront makes us stronger. Which gives us a larger sense of accomplishment and purpose.

We overcame something. We were victorious. We DID something.

Screw the rest of the world and what they think. I conquered something I didn’t want to face. I’m a badass.

Without the ‘ick’ we don’t really appreciate the good when we have it.

Embrace all of life, ick and all.

Daily Post 0031: .rtf is not .txt

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Once again I am without Internet, but that doesn’t really bother me. I have nothing that I really need it for aside from posting this entry once I am done, and that can easily wait until the morrow.

Today as been incredibly good to me. I’m once again reminded of how much depression eats away at my motivation, at my energy. And when it is not present, how much I am able to actually accomplish on my own.

I woke up early, which meant I was able to go to the spin class at 9:30. I was able to have breakfast and enjoy my solitude, unrushed. I biked roughly 15 miles again. A good, intense burn, starting the day with fire and drive.

Once I came home I cooked my meals for the week. I vacuumed both my room and the living room.

I worked through chapter 7 of my coding book, which was frustrating.

The chapter was about file I/O (input / output). Basically that’s a fancy way of saying “reading information from files, and writing information into files”. This chapter also covered exceptions (errors).

None of this was new to me, and I expected the exercises at the end to be easy. And for the most part they were. Except for the very beginning.

The exercise is to build a trivia game. You create a file that contains all of the questions and answers, and the program is supposed to read in the information for the user to play the game.

Nothing fancy or hard.

So I wrote out the file for the questions and answers, and then went to test out my code.

The file wasn’t being read correctly though, and I figured it was because my file was a .rtf (rich text file) rather than a .txt (plain text) file. So I copied and pasted the information into a new file and tried the program again.

This time it would only read the last line in the file. It was as if the other 29 lines I had typed didn’t exist.

And I couldn’t figure it out. I spent 15 minutes of my life trying to get this file to read correctly.

Eventually I gave up and rewrote all of the lines into a new .txt file… and of course that worked completely fine…

Fucking computers, ruining my life and stuff…

So once I was able to get the file to read correctly the rest of the exercises were cake.

But that’s one big thing off of my to-do list for the month. It’s not much progress, but it’s something, and I’m happy about it.

I was also able to finish recording the two final podcasts for the Render Settings series that I started for the Shading and Lighting class. I had to re-record the intro podcast since Tony wanted me to add some information to it. But that was super easy.

I always have a bit of anxiety before I start recording. It makes me procrastinate.

What if I say something wrong? What if my information isn’t right? What if I mess up during the demo?

I didn’t let it hold me back though. I sat down in my new space and got through them. Even got them uploaded to my DropBox and sent a link to Tony so he could check them out.

I hope to hear back from him tomorrow.

I got more stitching done on the Dragon of Hope. I don’t know if I will be able to finish it off tonight. It’s already 1:30 in the morning, and I’m starting to get extremely tired. I’ve been up for almost 24 hours now.

I got through half of the grading for this week already, on top of everything else, so I plan to finish that off tomorrow. Hopefully.

I also finished off another two assignments for my class.

So a very full day.

Tomorrow I have laundry. I’m hoping to get my reading for this weeks assignments done tomorrow, which would let me take the final quiz and have that done with. Which would only leave the final assignment, which is due Sunday.

I got a reply back from Ray, saying that the price for the rigs can be increased to $500 per, which is still nice. He wanted me to call someone to discuss the project, but when I called I got her voice mail.

I left a message but she never returned my call. I will try reaching out to her again tomorrow since it’s so late (early?). But that news made me happy. That’s a solid $1000 for both Tre and I. Maybe we’ll split the last rig, along with the pay.

We’ll see when we get there. I know he needs the money more than I do.

So yeah…

Tomorrow I am hoping is another productive / full day. With luck it will be warmer than it was today. I don’t mind cold, but wind chill isn’t fun.

I have work at 5pm but I feel confident that I will still be able to get the things I want to done before then.

Daily Post 0030: Rain Storms

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Today is off to a good start.

I got my sketches for the final assignment done last night while chilling at school in the upstairs break room. The weekends are great at work because no one is there. <3

I already have some really good feedback on my designs, so that’s super positive.

I went to the store to grocery shop this week. I’m $50 under budget, which is fantastic.

I talked to my mom for a bit, so I got to fill her in on the changes in the apartment, and how I now have my own Narnia. : 3

I was crazy tired once I got home. I think all of the arting and the gym really took it out of me. I ended up stitching for a bit after talking with mom. I got to listen to more of Eldest while  I did that, then went to sleep around 11. Which is crazy early for me.

That meant that I was awake at 7 this morning.

I’ve already had most of my breakfast (part of it is still staring at me, wondering why I think typing is more important than eating…).

I have plans to go to the spin class at 9:30 since I’m awake and ready for it.

I’ve already cut up the veggies for this week’s lunches. It’s going to be a pasta dish, without the pasta. So really it’s just a ton of veggies and some meat in a tomato sauce. Still crazy tasty. I’ve been kicking the idea of going to the store and getting mozzarella cheese to go with it. Not sure yet, though.

I didn’t get around to making my podcasts yesterday, or doing the chapter of code in my book. Since I don’t have to go into work until 9pm it would be fantastic if I could get to both of those.

I also need to reply to one final discussion post before the end of the night. That won’t take too long though.

There is a classmate who I have been exchanging emails back and forth with. She seems pretty cool and we’ve already become ‘friends’ on Facefail. Not really much else to say on that. Just that we both share in the experience of people looking ‘skin deep’ at us and making assumptions about us which are totally wrong and off base.

Anywho, not a whole lot else is going on. Almost done with the Dragon of Hope cross stitch, so there will be a new addition to the Dragon’s Horde soon. : D

And I’ve already completed most of my chores for today, so I don’t have those looming over me. Go go productivity.

Oh! One last thing. It rained last night. I actually woke up during the storm and listened to the rain outside, breathing in the cool, clean air since my window was open. Eventually I fell back sleep to the sound of the storm. It was nice. : )

Off to conquer today! /whoosh

Weekly Saga 0003: Surviving Tuesday

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This week has been super positive overall. Minor downs, but in the scheme of things I really think it was positive. That main thing was surviving the hell of a Tuesday that I had.

Main events include:

Driving home to see mom
Began listening to Eldest
Gave Seth to Travis
Survived the Tuesday of Doom
Had lunch with Rebecca

Got $100 from Jarrett
Had yearly review at work (3 years)
Had dinner with Grace
Completed 2 hour Photoshop tutorial
Got new loofa, little scoop, scissors, and wall hooks

Hosted PCC critiques
Got desktop looked at (haven’t tested it yet)
Addressed apartment issue with Susan and Joshua
Rearranged my room
Ran twice (improved both times)

There are no additions to the Dragon’s Horde, at least none that I felt worth posting. Maybe I’ll add my color assignment later.

I’m looking forward to next week. Hopefully the freelance files come in so I can begin work on that with Tre.

Prompt Pages

Re-springing Your Step          Two Right Feet

Fireside Chat          Easy Fix

Daily Post 0029: Weekend Wellness

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There were Internet issues last night, which kept me from posting. And since I couldn’t post I used that as an excuse not to write. Go Slackers!

Yesterday was pretty awesome, though.

I got my morning solitude, huddled all alone in Narnia. I seriously think that’s what I’m going to call my closet from now on. Just because it makes some weird little part of my misunderstood brain smile and do a giddy dance every time I think of it that way.

So yeah, the morning was great. No conversations or random noises to interrupt my coffee partaking or writing.

I went to the gym and did a 15-minute workout on the elliptical followed by another 15 minutes on the row machine.

After that I went to Michael’s to pick up the thread that I needed for my project. While I was there I also got a new pair of embroidery scissors.

$19 bucks.

I know that sounds like a lot. And I can’t argue for set of scissors that are roughly three inches, it’s a bit much when compared to a normal pair of scissors. But for me, I would rather spend a fair amount and have a fantastic pair of scissors for my artwork rather than having ‘eh’ scissors that I’m going to have to replace because they start getting worn down and fraying my thread.

I have been kicking the idea of replaces my old pair for a while now. One of the reasons is because I’ve had them for literally 10 years and they were dull and messing up my threads.

But another reason is because they were a gift from Warren #1’s step mom. So in a way they are a tie to the past. One that I am ready let go of. So I felt it was time for a new pair of scissors.

I love the ones I got. They are stork scissors, and they come with a little leather case so I don’t have to worry about the scissors randomly poking holes into the fabric of my projects, or accidently stabbing myself when I’m cross stitching in bed.

Yay for no injuries!

While I was out I went to Lowe’s to look at shelving.

I decided that I really didn’t want shelves anymore. All I wanted were a couple of hooks to hang my badge for school and my keys on. I was able to arrange everything else in a why that I liked without the shelving.

Well, Lowe’s didn’t have the hooks that I wanted. I couldn’t remember where I got the ones that I’m using for the skillets in the kitchen. It was either Publix or Home Depot I guessed.

So that was a little lame, but it was alright. I hadn’t called it quits yet.

There was a pet store in the plaza I was in, so before I left I ran in there. The litter scoop I have is a cheap, super flimsy, one from Walmart.

You know those moments where you buy something, and you know that eventually you’re going to regret it because it’s not really what you want?

Well, that scoop was like that. I knew that it wasn’t the quality I wanted. That it was lame, and that it would end up bending or breaking.

And the other day it did. The plastic cracked and bent down the center, so it was pretty useless.

Since I was next to a pet store I went ahead and got a new one; one that wouldn’t suck. So the one I have now is a metal, heavy duty, “demolisher of all kitty litter” scoop.

$14.

Again, some people may look at that and be like, “WTF? That’s way too much.”

That’s 14 dollars for peace of mind that I’ll never have to buy another scoop as long as I have this one. It won’t bend or break. It won’t absorb the smells like plastic, and if I ever needed a shovel to dig a grave for a body I have one conveniently disguised as a litter scoop… Not that I have been planning a murder or anything…

So that was a success in my book.

I stopped at Publix to see if the hooks I wanted were from there. No dice, but I did pick up a couple of cards. One for Susan and Joshua. I wanted to get them something to say thank you for being awesome people and for putting up with my craziness.

After that I ran to Home Depot, which is where I was finally successful and found the hooks I wanted.

I know there are the little plastic ones that you can put on the wall with adhesive, but those never work for me. They always, ALWAYS, fall off. Maybe after a week or so, but they have never lasted indefinitely, which is frustrating.

So these hooks are ones that you have to drill a hole into the wall, hammer a plastic bit into the hole, and then screw the hook into the bit.

It might seem like a lot of work, but my stuff will never fall off the wall. And I can take it with me when I move into the room at Monica’s place. Those were only $3 anyway, so it wasn’t bad.

After the successful adventure at Home Depot, I came home.

I filled out the cards and put them on Susan’s laptop so they would find them. I set up the hooks in my wall. I cleaned the litter box with my new scoop, which worked amazing. I set up the new treads for my project using my new scissors. I absolutely love them. They cut the threads so clean. It makes the artist in me melt into a puddle of goo. <3

After that I buckled down and worked on my art homework.

With the apartment issue I didn’t have motivation to do anything art related Friday. And once it was resolved I wanted to rearrange my room instead, since that affects my immediate environment (happiness).

So I accepted that I would have a 10-point hit on my assignment. I worked on it Saturday evening off and on, stitching for a little bit while listening to more of Eldest, and then working on the coloring of the image.

Since I was having issues with the Internet all night I had to go to school to actually submit it online, but I got it done and turned in.

I loved working with the tablet. I’m getting way better at using the hot keys for it. And it makes working so much easier than if I had tried using the mouse. I think it was a great investment and I’m glad that Sabrina let me buy it from her.

Today has also been going amazing, too.

I woke up around 10, which for me feels late. Not sure why I slept so long. I went to sleep around 2 at the latest.

Anyway, I had breakfast in Narnia. Still had issues with the Internet so I packed everything up and went to the gym.

It rained a few days ago so it’s been pretty chilly and windy. Since it was so cool this morning I ran the track at the gym instead of doing the bike trail again. I did super awesome running though.

Sadly my phone doesn’t get very good GPS inside the gym, so I don’t have an accurate read on my distance, but I made it through all of my intervals and did a few sprints as well.

My left shin was a little sore at the beginning and I didn’t think I would do all that well. But by the third interval everything had loosened up and felt great.

I might regret it tomorrow, but right now I’m feeling awesome.

I stretched really well, showered, then came to Friendly Confines for wings and to work though most of my chores for today.

Cleaning out the email account, tying up loose ends from the work week, doing my weekly summary, cleaning out my notebook, mapping out the coming week, making the grocery list… random things.

I still have some homework that I need to finish up. I have discussion posts I need to reply to as a way to show ‘involvement’. I don’t have a problem doing that, but I feel that most of the posts from other students show a lack of effort or thought, so it makes it hard for me to ‘want’ to reply to them.

There’s also some sketching that I have to do. Preliminary ideas for our final project.

Once I am done typing up stuff for WordPress I plan to go to school for a change of environment to do the schoolwork.

After finishing that off I plan to go to the store and then go home.

I want to create the last two podcasts for the SAL class. But really that’s all I have planned for today. I’m hoping to have most everything taken care of by 7pm. 9 at the latest.

Not sure what I’ll do with the rest of my evening. Maybe work through that chapter of code that I wanted to do. It’s one of my monthly goals so I know I would feel good for doing it.

Guess we’ll see.

Daily Post 0028: My Own Little Narnia

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I suppose I should start off with the conclusion of the roommate situation.

I thought about it pretty much all day. I got some really amazing and supportive comments from my previous post. And I got to talk to my mom for a bit to get her input on the situation.

Everyone agreed that the fridge was an issue that I should bring up.

While I was talking with my mom I mentioned how I really thought that moving in with Monica would be the best option.

That would give Joshua and Susan their space to be couple without making me feel awkward, I could go ahead and move while I have the schedule to do it.

In my head it seemed smart. Logical. It was just a plus that it got me away from a situation that I didn’t really want to be in.

My mom suggested a really diplomatic way of bringing it up.

She said I could mention how I felt a little awkward at the apartment now that Susan had moved in, and that if it wouldn’t leave Joshua in a bad spot, if I could move out early.

This could either be answered with yes or no.

Yes, everything is cool and I can move out.

No, well then there are some things that need to change for me to stay.

Long story short, I ended up talking with Joshua last night.

He was super apologetic about making me feel awkward. And he had noticed that I wasn’t at the apartment much anymore, and that I didn’t have a lot of stuff in the fridge.

He asked if I had been staying away from the apartment more because I had been feeling uncomfortable.

I nodded yes, and said that I knew they weren’t doing it on purpose, but I sort of felt like the third wheel now, encroaching on ‘their’ space.

He assured me that’s not how it was, and that I was here first, so this was my home, and he would talk with Susan about the fridge.

So, as of right now, the bottom self, all of it, is mine.

I spent last night rearranging my room a bit, so currently instead of drinking my coffee at the kitchen table, I am sitting in my closet where I now have my desk set up. At least mostly set up. I think I’m going to put a self on the wall so I can have things like my external hard drive in here with me.

A place for my pen jar and such would be nice too without having to sacrifice desk space to it.

So that’s in the works. I might do that today since I have to run to the craft store, and there’s a Lowe’s right next to it.

So the apartment situation I think is ok.

It’s annoying how sometimes the emotional side takes over. It makes it so hard to see things for what they are.

I even told my mom that I was worried about having a conversation with Joshua because I knew that I was still angry. That the emotions were still too strong and I was worried I would say or do something that would be spiteful or rude. Something that I would regret and not mean.

I still struggle with my shadow traits. But at least I know they’re there. I know when I’m slipping into them, and I think reaching out to other people really helped keep them in check.

I was able to approach Joshua, which that in itself is a massive feat for me. I hate, HATE, confrontation, especially when I know the other person doesn’t mean for me to feel the way I do.

On top of that, all of my past experiences with roommate issues have been with exs, so I didn’t really know what to expect with Joshua. Logically I knew that he would be nice about it; that it would be a discussion rather than an argument.

But it’s hard to ignore, what, six years now, of past experiences. In a way it’s like being conditioned and I’m still having to unlearn the negativity of my past.

But I feel yesterday was a huge step forward for me. I addressed the situation, didn’t have an anxiety attack or breakdown before, during, or after the conversation, and we are all taking steps to make the environment better for everyone.

I like my little space in the closet. It feels like my own mini office. I can already see myself doing podcasts and stuff in here, further away from the kitchen so the random times that the microwave gets used, or the facet turned on won’t mess up my recordings.

Like I mentioned in one of my comments yesterday, it’s like my own little Narnia. : 3

I think it will be good.

So no moving out for me. At least not yet.

And this morning there isn’t the urge to flip tables because my solitude is being interrupted by other human life.

Yesterday went pretty well. I made it to the gym where I spent some time on the elliptical and then did upper body strength stuff. Surprisingly my arms don’t feel like they’re about to fall off. They’re actually not all that sore which makes me feel like something’s wrong…

It’s like when you’re doing a math problem. If it seems easy then you’ve fucked up somewhere…

SAL had lab at 1pm instead of at 9pm yesterday, so I had to go in ‘early’ for work. Frank showed me a game on his iPad while we were there. And holy cow is it amazing.

Most likely stupid simple that everyone knows about…

It’s a puzzle game. Like, legit, 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles on the iPad.

Mind == Blown

I spent the whole lab working on a 400 piece puzzle and it was fantastic. I haven’t worked on a puzzle in about a year now. Not since I lived with Clavan. I forgot how much I loved working on them.

It was a little weird using the touch screen. I really enjoy being able to touch the pieces, but it was still super fun. My brain was totally content.

After lab I went outside and saw Tre. We chatted for a bit, and I told him about the roommate situation. He agreed that I had some solid issues and that both Joshua and Susan were the type of people who would want to fix the problem rather than being confrontational about it.

There was an event going on campus, a 48 hour game jam. Basically you get a team of people together and you make a game in 48 hours. They’re super fun and I normally help run them. Not this time though.

While I was talking to Tre, Anthony and his team showed up to register. It was so awesome to see Anthony and to get a hug from him. I asked where Tica was and he said she was at home sleeping.

Since they’re going to be up for 48 hours I agreed that was most likely the smartest move. It would have been nice to see her as well though.

Anthony and I chatted for a bit, but eventually I had to go so I could host the PCC Critiques.

Not as many people showed up this time, but I expected that. There had been a seminar earlier in the day for the students in finals. Most of them probably didn’t want to hang around for the hour in-between the presentation and critiques.

It still went well. At the end I sat with Rhonda and talked to her about her ideas for her demo reel. I showered her mine, which a handful of other students gathered around for. It was a little awkward for me, but I survived.

Rhonda said she felt bad that she never had anything super awesome, fancy to show during critiques like Tre and a few of the other people. Sort of like what Desiree feels.

I asked her if she was interested in any of the ‘advanced’ stuff, and she said no.

So don’t do it, I said. If you’re not going to enjoy it then you’re going to get burnt out and resentful about it.

What do you like?

She said she really liked coding and scripting. And I said we could focus on that instead. If that’s the direction she wants to go, then she’s going to do better with those types of projects. She’ll actually get fulfillment from them, and continue to push and progress, rather than digging her heels in and killing off her passion.

So we’ll see how that goes, but I think she felt better after our talk. At least she has some ideas to think about.

Once critiques were officially over Jovanny took a look at my computer. I had put it in my car earlier in the day.

He messed with some of the connections, and said to take it home and try it out, which I haven’t done yet.

I stewed in my room for a while when I got home about the apartment situation, which is when I called my mom and then reached out to Joshua.

After rearranging my room I went to sleep. Tons of emotions, full day, killer workout… I was beat.

I slept super deep, and though I know I had a few dreams, I don’t remember them. Actually… as I type that I remember a few details, so maybe I’ll write it out.

Anywho, I am totally taking today to be a super chill day. I don’t have to be at work again until Monday. Huzzah!

Frank offered for me to come over and play Cards Against Humanity with him and Natalie. I’m supposed to message a few other co-workers to see if they want to hang out with us as well.

So that should be fun. I’m looking forward to it at least.

And with that I guess I’m off to finish my coffee and to map out my day.

Daily Post 0027: Roommate Angst

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I can see the situation with Susan is going to become an issue.

I can feel myself getting more and more angsty about it.

I am not getting my morning alone time with my cup of coffee without her coming out and cooking breakfast in the kitchen. Moving pots around, things sizzling in skillets. Without her making conversation with me.

I feel this is where introverts get the reputation for hating people.

I don’t hate her. But… gtfo… like, for real.

This is my space. This is my morning routine. And your messing with it, which makes me beyond hostile. I’m not getting the recharge I need. So I don’t ‘hate’ you. I hate the whole world. Thanks for messing it up for everyone.

I cleaned out a spot in the fridge yesterday, half of the bottom most shelf, so I could have a spot for my yogurts and containers of lunches, and when I came home last night the order and structure I had created was totally f’ed all to hell so they could put a pot of rice in my space.

Can I not have half of a self for my food? Last I checked, I’m still paying half of rent… so Susan being here hasn’t benefited me at all… Let me have at least half a shelf so I can eat.

I’m getting angrier and angrier about it with each day. More sensitive to each infraction.

And I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.

What am I supposed to say?

“Hey Joshua. I know Susan is super sweet and everything, and that this is technically your apartment, but she has to go because I’m a super bitchy introvert.”

I feel that’s essentially what it boils down to. That my need for space overrides logic and that I should be able to function, sharing space with someone while they do their thing. I feel I ‘should’ be able to enjoy my coffee even if Susan is cooking breakfast for her and Joshua.

But I can’t. It grates on my nerves that my routine is having to change and that I wasn’t consulted about this change, had no say in it what so ever, and that at the moment I haven’t found a suitable alternative.

I came home from holiday break to find her computer set up in ‘my space’ on the kitchen table… not cool bro.

I feel that makes me a small person. That I can’t let go of this and that I’m letting it eat away at me.

I don’t know what to do yet. But something is going to have to change. This is the one place where I’m supposed to be able to recharge. And I cant with the current situation.

Part of me wants to go ahead and move in with Monica.

Susan graduates at the end of the month, so in my head the situation will only get worse. She won’t have class to go to, so she’ll constantly be around. Same with Joshua. They will always be here.

I don’t know if I could make it through two months of no alone time. It hasn’t even been a full month yet and already I’m grating my teeth each morning.

I don’t think it would be so bad, but it’s every day. Every morning. Every evening. People constantly here, out and about. I leave work where I constantly interact with people, to come home… where I now have to constantly interact with people…

I didn’t want this change.

And I feel like all I am doing is whining. There are so many other problems that I could be having right now. I should be grateful that this is my only one. That this one minor thing is the only woo in my life, and that I should just deal with it. Suck it up. It’s not that bad.

I wish, so desperately wish, I could let it go.

Aside from that yesterday was pretty awesome.

I stitched for a bit before going into work. I got to watch the Photoshop tutorials I wanted to and got started on the color assignment. During break I ran to Jo Anne’s Fabrics to get some thread that I needed for my current project.

I needed two colors, but they only had one. Lame… I plan to go to Michael’s this weekend to see if I can get the last color. While I was out I went to Bath and Body works to get a new loofa for my gym bag since I really like the one I got during the holiday break.

Over all it was a really chill evening.

I did have a staff meeting earlier in the day that I had to go to. I was called out for my 3 year anniversary with the school in front of everyone.

Yay….. said no introvert ever.

It honestly wasn’t that bad, but I did come home afterwards to curl up in bed with Scarlet for about 30 minutes. I needed to recover.

But yeah… aside from this ‘no alone time’ thing eating away at my inner peace things are going fine. And really I know it’s an issue only because I haven’t said anything about it.

If only I could figure out what to say without sounding like an unreasonable jerk.

Prompt Page 0016: Easy Fix

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 “Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.””

“Draw me a picture.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. You’re the artist. Make something up.”

Could you give me a bigger artist block? With all of the stuff I have going on in my head you want me to magically pull something out of it to be a master piece? How am I supposed to choose out of thousands of ideas?

Give some direction at least.

Should there be happy trees in it? Sad trees? No trees? How about a nuclear explosion as an expression of my frustration? Is that cool? Frustration destroying your happy trees? Gah!

This topic is kind of like that.

“Do whatever you want.”

I don’t know what I want. I’m left looking internally at the vast expanse that is my mind. There is so much that it becomes white noise. Nothing is distinct. It is all part of a calm sea. Thousands and thousands of drops of water merging together.

I have so many things going on. So many thoughts, feelings. Opinions, beliefs.

“Just pick something.”

Fine. Make me think at 9 in the morning when I haven’t even finished my coffee yet… Grouchy dragon incoming.

So I’ve been thinking about the situation with Ari a lot. I’ve been looking at a lot of the interactions I have with people.

I’ve been thinking about my students. About Jarrett. Sir. All sorts of people. Specific people in my life. And then the broader scope of people in general.

I feel there is one thing that most people today have in common.

I think a lot of people have self worth issues. And that bothers me.

Finding self-acceptance is not easy. There is no ‘easy fix’ for it.

In my personal experience it’s a lot of hard work. Lots of icky emotions, which have been floating around inside of our heads for years. Thoughts which have been contaminating our way of thinking. It’s a lot of baggage that needs to be shifted through.

Boxes need to be unpacked. Beliefs need to be examined and held up against core values. Sometimes there’s healing involved which always sucks. Being injured is never fun, and the last thing you want to do when you’re hurting is be the one to clean out the wound.

There’s all this work and effort that goes into finding happiness.

And it’s like no one wants to do it. Everyone ‘wants’ to be happy, but only if it’s handed to them. They won’t want to work for it. And it’s frustrating.

I can’t love you for you. You have to love yourself and then I can love you with you.

Ari was awesome in the beginning of our friendship. I felt like I was safe around her. Like I could be myself and open up. I didn’t have to be guarded and I could talk about all of things that bothered me because there would be no judgment.

And she felt the same way. I was the first person she came out to. Even before her parents, before any of her life long childhood friends.

Me. A lowly co-worker whom she had known for maybe 6 months at the time. It was a huge step for her, and she chose me. It meant a lot.

And it was a huge step in a positive direction for her.

But she has so much self-loathing, so much self-deprecation inside of her.

Anymore our conversations are negative. How she doesn’t feel good on the inside. But she isn’t doing much to change. At least in our conversations she doesn’t mention anything. Maybe it’s because she needs to vent and expel the negative, and so the positive is overlooked.

This is all I have to go off of though.

She is unhappy, and isn’t working to change it. I can’t make her happy. But she’s looking for me to fix that unhappiness. She looking to me to fix her.

I can’t do that if you’re constantly tearing yourself down on the inside. It doesn’t matter how much me, or anyone else tries to build you up. It doesn’t matter how many bricks we lay down if you constantly knock them over when we leave.

Several of my students are like that, too.

“My work will never be good enough. I’m so far behind. If I was only half as good as [insert name here].”

It drives me crazy. Batshit insane. Because I know what they are feeling on the inside.

I had those feelings, too. For the longest time I felt worthless. Inadequate. And not just with work. But with my relationships, too. There was always something ‘wrong’ with me, and so I couldn’t accept myself. I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

And then one day I woke up and seriously had a thought. One little thought.

“I’m tired of being unhappy.”

And that’s where it started for me.

I was tired of feeling lame, and that I was never good enough for the people around me. I was tired of my own brain being my enemy. And so I made the effort to change.

That was about 2 years ago.

Two years of being consciously aware of the things I tell myself inside my head. Two years of working through painful memories. Two years of purging negativity out of my life.

A lot of it sucked. A lot of it made me cry. Standing in front of the mirror and telling myself, “You are worthy,” made me break down because the last time I had felt ‘worthy’ was when my parents had been together.

I had felt unworthy for over half my life. My grades were never good enough. I wasn’t the best musician. I wasn’t as good at art as my brother. I wasn’t a good enough daughter. Any number of things, all things, I fell short of in some way.

Changing a mentality that you have had for 15 years isn’t easy. This was the mentality I grew up with. This was all I had ever known.

“You’re bad, and you’ll always be bad. Get used to feeling bad. Bad, bad, bad.”

I didn’t want those words in my head anymore. I didn’t want to think that about myself.

Other people said I was awesome. Amazing. That I was a great person. That I was kind, caring. Warm.

But that’s not what I was telling myself. And so all of those positive things people said, all of those times people tried to build me up didn’t matter because as soon as I was alone I tore myself to pieces.

Changing that habit, that mentality, was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Knowledge is different from wisdom.

We ‘know’ something is right, or wrong. We know scrolling through Facebook while in class isn’t the best move. Taking notes would be way more beneficial.

If we are wise, we apply that information.

The same rule applies with happiness.

We know all of these things. Talking down to ourselves is bad. We shouldn’t try to make everyone happy, only ourselves. We should… we aught…

All of these things that we ‘know’.

But how many people actually apply that knowledge? How many people are wise enough to go through the trials and tribulations to actually obtain happiness?

I haven’t met many people. And that saddens me. Everyone deserves to be happy, and I hate that in most cases it is the person, not the world, not the situations we find ourselves in, but they themselves that refuse to allow themselves to be happy.

There is no easy fix. It’s hard. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you have to break down crumbling into tiny pieces. Sometimes you need to tear down the old, so something new and stronger can be raised.

I wish everyone saw it that way. That yeah, it’s a lot of work, but the reward is so worth it. Being happy in your own skin, with your own mind; being your own friend is worth it.

I learned to love myself, and all was right in the world.

Daily Post 0026: Post Review / Post Run

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Today has been off to a good start, and my evening was rounded out nicely yesterday as well.

I decided that I wanted to run yesterday. My left shin was a little sore, but I felt that I would be alright as long as I took it ‘easy’. Which as a type-a personality is one of the hardest things for me to do.

If I do something it’s going to be all or nothing. This whole ‘easy’ concept is hard for me to understand. Even harder to apply.

So when I run, I tend to push myself too hard, too far, which is why I most likely have shin splints to begin with.

I do that one extra interval that I know is going to make me regret every part of my decision to run. But I can’t help it. I want to push. I want to be better. I want to prove that I can handle it, that the weakness in my body won’t hold me back, and that I’ll over come it. Come hell or high water.

And then I have to hobble back to my car like an invalid…

It’s been a really long time since I hurt to the point of tears.

No joke, there were a few times I called my younger brother after a run and told him to talk, about anything, just so I could have his voice, something else to focus on other than the excruciating pain in my legs.

And while he talked to me about his day I had tears running down my face as it felt like my bones were twisting in half, breaking and shattering, over and over.

At the time I was living with Clavan and Seth, and my room was upstairs. There would be times where I would have to wait hours before I could bear the pain of walking up the stairs to my room.

Yeah… It was rough after some of my runs.

I’ve gotten a lot better, though. Physically I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve built up my endurance and speed. I remember when I first started running and I couldn’t last for even 30 seconds before I was panting, unable to get enough air into my lungs.

I do so much better than Yester-Jen and I’m proud of that.

But I’ve also gotten a lot better mentally.

One of the reasons I do better is because I’ve learned NOT to do that last interval. I’ve learned to listen to my body, and to respect its limitations.

I know the difference between pushing myself and hurting myself.

So yesterday I felt that as long as I didn’t go too far I would be fine.

I went to the bike trail because it was a gorgeous day. No indoor track for me.

The sun was out; the air was warm (because it’s Florida and we don’t understand what winter is). It would be great to get fresh air, and to run off all of the worry and stress I had building up about my review.

I ended up going the opposite direction than I normally go. I wanted a change of scenery. And a bit of a challenge… which totally goes against that whole ‘taking it easy’ thing…

The other half of the trail has a bridge crossing over an extremely busy street. I ran the whole way up. My first Mt. Everest conquered.

It was a fantastic run overall. And though my legs were sore, they weren’t completely trashed. I was still able to walk normally afterwards. No hobbling here.

When I got back to my car I started stretching to cool down, which got interrupted by Clavan calling me.

He wanted to know if we could move my review back to 8pm, an hour before I had to be into work.

I said that worked out fantastic actually, so my day wouldn’t be as chopped up. And I wasn’t even worrying about it anymore.

They could fire me and I wouldn’t have cared. I had an awesome run. Everything else could suck it.

I’m sure those feelings of badassery I get after a really good workout will one day get me into trouble…

Thankfully yesterday was not that day.

Before I went running I stopped by the bank to deposit the money from Jarrett and my mom. I also ran to Publix since Scarlet needed cat food.

While I was there I picked up a summer roll from the sushi bar since I had forgotten to grab one of my protein bars for after my run.

I also stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank (only $11, I love my car so much <3 ), and to get a few bottles of Gatorade.

So even before my run I had already been productive. Which only added to the good vibes afterwards.

After I got off the phone with Clavan I went back to stretching out my muscles and then came back home.

I had started reading the articles required for my class this week. So I kept reading through a bit of those. Then I cross-stitched a little while. My reward for getting through a majority of my assignments.

I showered, ate, then went to school for my review.

It went really well. It started off by talking about Avatar Korra and the last episodes of the season. Then progressed to talking about a few games both of us had played recently.

“Dude, you have to check out the Wolf Among Us. The story is so awesome!”

“Have you seen Don’t Stave? The art style is amazing.”

XD

I love my job so much.

Anyway, he said that he had absolutely no complaints with me, other than I suck at clocking in and out. Which has been an issue since I was hired.

I can’t help it. I don’t find it important, and if they switched me to salary it wouldn’t be an issue.

I get caught up in my day and forget that I haven’t sat at the computer, typed in useless information and pressed button.

Instead I run into students and get engaged with them.

How’s your project going? Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you! What class are you in now? Oh, you’re having an issue? Mmmm, I don’t really do a lot of modeling, but let me get your email address and I’ll get you in touch with some people who can help you out. Sure we can set up a tutoring time. Send me a message and we’ll get our schedules lined up.

Sorry, Lame Corporate Bullshit. Fuck your time clock. It’s not as important as doing my job and helping people out.

I work over 40 hours a week anyway, so if I really did get paid for the time I put into my job, you would be screwed. Just sayin’. That salary option would be for our mutual benefit…

Anyway, only issue is my time card, which we both know I’m not going to put any conscious effort into getting better at.

Clavan liked the projects I had listed for this coming year.

They are going to be:

Complete my freelance project
Continue taking Digital Art and Design courses
Participate in the Faculty Art Show
Create a new demo reel

I’m totally cool with all of those, and am looking forward to achieving them.

So the review went well.

Ken came in towards the end of it. I guess he had just gotten done with lecture. He asked what we were up to.

I said, “My yearly review. Good news, I’m not fired!”

He laughed at that and said since we are so short staffed I could go into a lab, set a computer on fire and roast marshmallows over it and not get fired.

It’s sad that there’s a lot of truth behind that statement.

After my review I jumped over to the SAL lab. Grace showed up at 11pm, so I left Frank to his own devices and went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.

It was awesome getting to chat with Grace. She caught me up on her life at home. Different projects she’s working on. I told her about everything that has gone down in my world. And over all it was a nice two hours.

As we were leaving she said she should be back in the area around March.

After that I came home and went to sleep.

Today started with waking up at 8 since I went to sleep so ‘early’ last night.

I had my coffee and replied to the daily prompt before going to the gym for a spin class. Terry was teaching, so it was really good. I had a fantastic workout and I’m really happy with myself for going.

14.5 miles in 40 minutes.

I’ve caught up on reading all of the blogs I follow, which is nice. I feel bad sometimes for not replying or reading them for days. This week has been pretty cray-cray though. So I think I’m doing alright in the scheme of things.

I have lab at 5pm. So I have some time to myself.

There’s a Photoshop tutorial that’s about two hours that I’m going to watch.

I’ve finished all of my other school homework aside from the line art assignment, which is due tomorrow. So I’ll watch this tutorial, do some basic color block out. Then maybe stitch for a bit.

I got a message back from Ray. He’s waiting to hear back about our price increase for the freelance project. He’ll get in touch with Tre and I as soon as he knows. So that ball is rolling at least. Just in someone else’s court at the moment.

Things are going pretty well, despite the fact that Susan is out in the living area again. I’m looking forward to the rest of the day.

Prompt Page 0015: Fireside Chat

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“What person whom you don’t know very well in real life — it could be a blogger whose writing you enjoy, a friend you just recently made, etc. — would you like to have over for a long chat in which they tell you their life story?”

There’s so many people.

I love hearing people’s stories. The tale of their adventures.

What hardships have they faced? What loves have they lost? Where have they been and where do they want to go?

Who are they?

Listening to people is one of the things that makes me feel connected the most.

They are trusting me. A lot of the time the stories are extremely personal, leaving them vulnerable, and they are showing faith, respect, to me by sharing.

It makes me feel honored. Valued.

Our experiences make us who we are. They define and structure the way we think. They determine what we’re sensitive to, what we fear, what we enjoy.

Everyone is different. Everyone’s mind functions in a slightly different way.

I love listening and learning about those differences.

I love getting to actually ‘know’ a person.

And I feel the way you do that is through sharing. Talking. Conversation.

To truly know someone they have to expose the very core of who they are, what built them up, tore them down, and sculpted them into the wonderful, fantastic person they are today.

I want to hear everyone’s story, and if they talk, I listen, which is why I am so close with so many of my students, co-workers, and friends.

For the sake of this post, a handful of people I would like to talk with more would be:

My Mother Earth
Her fiancé, J
James
Tre
My mom
Frank

I feel there are chapters in those stories that I still haven’t heard, and people I feel I could talk with for hours, days, years, and still not get enough of their stories.