frustration

004: Weekends Suck

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Today feels like I wash. I wish it didn’t. I wish it felt like a super productive and worthwhile day. Wishing isn’t doing a whole lot to change anything, though. It’s a lot like sending “thoughts and prayers”. They don’t do a whole lot to change the situation. 

This has been a theme for a while… weekends being harder than what it feels like they should be.

Yesterday was good; productive… I woke up, went to the gym, showered, and did the grocery shopping. I prepped what food I could for the coming meals. I cooked dinner for everyone. I cleaned the kitchen…

Today doesn’t have the same “do stuff” energy and it’s frustrating not knowing why. 

I woke up and took my meds. Eventually, everyone else woke up, too. I made breakfast with Ox and that’s been the extent of my accomplishments. I’ve wasted an hour or so on Facebook scrolling in the hopes of seeing cute cat pictures or videos. 

I’ve finally put the chicken in the oven so I can make my lunch containers for the week. I doubt I’ll get to the gym. I have notes I would like to type for work but instead, I’m writing this. I don’t know if writing can really be considered a “good” thing when it’s most likely being used as a form of procrastination. 

Days like today are annoying. It’s cold outside again. Everyone else in the house is pretty much doing nothing and there’s not a way to get away from it; to be alone to find my own quiet thread of… something… motivation… discipline… It feels like I’m surrounded by this otherness and since I can’t physically get away from it, I’m left trying to escape it inside my head; survive it until it goes away on its own. 

Part of me, a small part, wants to cry over the trapped feeling. The rest of me is apathetic. It’s used to this feeling and knows it’s pointless to try to fight it or change it. There isn’t a way to change it so just accept that today is going to suck and nothing is going to get accomplished…

Why do I have to have an obsession with accomplishment and productivity anyway? 

What do I have on my list that’s so pressing that it has to be done today? Other than changes to one of my work checklists, there’s really nothing that needs to get done. 

Maybe that’s part of the problem? I don’t actually have anything that requires me to do something. I don’t have a project to work on at home. 

I don’t think that’s it. At least, it doesn’t feel like “Ah, yes. That’s the answer!” inside my head. 

It feels like introversion burnout. It feels like “I want to be alone and I can’t so I’m going to be miserable instead,” which sucks. 

I’ve been thinking about going back to therapy. I don’t think that would really help in this situation. Therapy can’t make me want less alone time, nor can it give me more of it. Therapy can’t give me my own room, nor convince anyone in the house that having my own room would be a good thing. 

Conversations can help those things happen, and therapy can help those conversations happen or go well… but that’s not what I need. I know the skills and tools. I don’t need to learn them. 

I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how or where to start to find out. 

I’ve been reading my writings to Ox again, but I don’t feel like reading this one. I don’t feel like posting it. 

Why? What is it that I’m worried about sharing? There’s nothing in my writing that I haven’t said before. Nothing Ox doesn’t know about. Maybe it’s because I’ll be repeating the same stuff over again. It’s the same problem that I’ve had for what… five… six years now? 

Me: I don’t get alone time. I don’t have a safe space for my special introversion-ness. *world’s smallest violin plays in the background*

You know… I could just not bitch about what I don’t have and be grateful for the things I do… like a place to live and food and clean clothes, and reliable transportation… How about hot water and electricity? Those are nice, too… 

But, no. Instead, I’m sitting here feeling trapped and confined and sorry for myself. Which is dumb, because feeling sorry for myself isn’t making me feel better or in any way changing my situation. It’s just wasted energy. 

As shitty as this writing is, I’m going to end it here. The chicken is done so I need to finish making my lunches. I need to shower still, and there are notes to type. 

It feels like I’m waiting for the day to end so tomorrow can start because maybe tomorrow will be better. It also feels like whatever sad emotion I was feeling is turning to anger, which has more potential to accomplish stuff than depression.

So you know what? Fuck you, Sunday. You’re my target now, and I won’t let you win.

Daily Post 207: The Missing Writing

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I thought I had written a post talking about my D&D adventure, but I guess I haven’t. Or it got lost somewhere. Or I dreamed that I did it. Or hallucinated. Who knows?

It does mean that I have a lot to catch up on. Much lame. : /

I went over to the apartments after lunch with Ox. The kitchen is amazing. I toured two layouts and one is better than the other as far as space goes. They have a 24-hour gym which is nice. And a car care center. That would be nice, too. The location is pretty good as far as grocery shopping and such. It would add a bit of travel time for me in regards to getting to work, but not all that much. Maybe 15ish minutes. It is further form Ox, but the drive isn’t bad. 10 minutes or so.

I took a bunch of pictures to send to Jon. I got a paper application along with a few other papers and then went back to the apartment. I hung out there for a bit before Ox came over so we could go to D&D.

This last session was super fun. We ended up being commissioned by the town council to go take over the smugglers’ ship since we were so successful at stopping the land side of the operation.

My character, being my chaotic character and all, asked if we could keep the ship once we took it over. You know… finders keepers and all. The council reluctantly agreed. When I asked if we could keep any of the shiny things we found they replied by asking weren’t we supposed to be stopping the smuggling, not taking part in it.

Me: Well, you’re already missing these goods. You’re asking us to prevent future losses. Not to recover the things you already lost.

Dark: She’s not wrong.

God, I love this character.

Since I’m a cleric of trickery, I don’t do a lot in regards to healing. I’m more about convincing people to do things. Well… as the group was discussing options about how to get on board the ship my character offered up a plan.

Me: Guys! Guys! I have this spell and it’s really cool. I could disguise myself as a smuggler and talk to the guys on the ship and be their friend. Then, once we’re on, we can kill everyone. Do captains have hats? Are their cooler than my hat? If it is, can I keep it?

Suryc: I hate to say this… but she actually has a good plan.

And thus, the party was now dependant on a chaotic neutral trickery cleric with the flaw of speaking her mind without thinking to get them to where they needed to go. XD

It was really good. We got onto the ship fine. The smugglers believed all the stuff I was telling them because I’m such a charismatic person. Things were going well until the rogue of our party got caught. That led to a lot of combat where my character died four or five times.

A few of the smugglers surrendered to our party once we killed the captain. My character didn’t care. She was pissed. I began flinging doors open looking for anything of interest to me. I found some lizardfolk, but they spoke a different language so I didn’t care. I told the party we should kill them. That was after the boar I had summoned charged through the door, breaking it down.

I ended up finding the galley of the ship. Frustrated, my character took one of the frying pans from the room and walked up to a surrendered smuggler. I pointed the pan at the tied up human.

Me: You! Where are the shiny things?!

Smuggler: What do you mean? There are tons of shiny things around.

Me: I don’t mean firey shiny things. I mean shiny shiny things. Magical shiny things would be even better.

Smuggler: You’re holding a shiny thing right now.

Me: I’m about to beat you with a shiny thing if you don’t show me where the real shiny things are.

Smuggler: Ok. Ok. I’ll show you where they are.

Me: Good.

The smuggler ended up taking me to a door on the other side of the ship. I had him go through it first, opening the door from the side just in case there were more bad guys. The inside of the room was nicely furnished with a writing desk, a bed, a couch, and other things that would normally have been of interest to my character.

After surveying the room, I pointed the frying pan to the smuggler again.

Me: Get! Out!

He backed away from me, clearly not understanding what my issue was. Once he was out of the room, I slammed the door and proceeded to curl up on the couch all cat-like and sulked. And that’s how the session ended. XD

It was so much fun.

So that was the end of Wednesday. Ox and I came home after that and went to bed.

Thursday was a school day. Not much to report there. After class, I went to the gym. I talked to Jon a bit and we agreed to apply for the apartment, so that was added to my to-do list. Fill that out and go submit it so we didn’t have to worry about the application fee. Just a $100 admin fee.

I had a pretty good workout then proceeded to gather all the information I needed for the application. I dashed back into town to turn it in. We found out later that evening that the application was approved and we’re set to move into the apartment on April 10th.

So now there’s a bunch of extra stuff on my to-do list… It never ends…

I didn’t do much for the rest of Thursday.

Ox and I had sexy time. I know I gloss over those interactions; no crazy details or anything. Last time was a little different, though. I feel like there are different levels of connection. Sometimes it’s more about physical gratification and sort of the shallower side of things. Other times it’s more about a mental or emotional connection and it touches something closer to the core of who we are as individuals. Other times it’s about healing or stress relief or any number of things. Sex isn’t a cookie-cutter where the same reasons or results apply to every situation.

Ox and I have been toeing more into the BDSM side of things recently. There wasn’t a lot of physical things that I feel would be classified as “kinky” this past Thursday, but there was a deeper level of mental play. I haven’t cried in a while, even with everything that’s been going on. I guess part of that is due to everything happening so fast, so consecutively, that I haven’t really had a chance to process through one event before another thing is demanding my attention. I’m constantly going without reflecting or addressing the issues associated with an event.

Thursday, Ox pushed me mentally to the point where I cried, and while I know for most normal people that sounds awful, for me it was perfect and exactly what I didn’t know I wanted or needed.

He held me while I cried over Dagger having surgery, over my coworker being catty, over the elation for not having cancer, over the stress with my brother moving, over my social experiment and the joy and anxiety that went with it. Over everything.

He held me and told me I was safe and that things were ok and I could finally let go of everything I didn’t know I was holding onto.

As the tears subsided I felt better, stronger, cleaner, calmer.

I stayed at the house for a bit, wanting to be physically close to Ox for a while longer. Eventually, I did come back to the apartment. I went to sleep early. Ox came over once his raid was done and we fell asleep together.

Friday was an alright day at work. My brother and I ended up fighting that evening on the phone. He misread one of my text messages which is where things really deteriorated. It’s been going slightly downhill for a few days, though.

With having our timetable moved up from May to April, it’s looking like I won’t be able to go out there to help him pack. Our older brother is going to be flying out to Daytona with our nephew to help pack instead. After packing, all three of them are going to make the drive from Daytona to Nebraska.

I think this option works better. I don’t have to miss work or school. I don’t have to pay for a plane ticket that I can’t truly afford. I get to see both my brothers and my nephew. Jon is traveling with someone who would be better assistance if one of the vehicles breaks down.

I feel like there are a lot of pros to the new situation, but Jon feels like I’m abandoning him; leaving him to travel halfway across the country by himself. I promised him x, y, and z, and now I’m doing none of it.

We talked through our feelings. It wasn’t easy. At one point he said we have to get used to having hard conversations and not breaking down into tears. I agreed. I took a few deep breaths. I told him that it was frustrating for him to say he understood circumstances were outside my control and it wasn’t my fault.

Me: If you understand that, then don’t direct your frustration AT me. Directed it at the Universe or whatever, but not AT me. I feel attacked and like the effort I’m putting into this means nothing to you.

We resolved our feelings by the end of the conversation. I asked if we were ok. He said yes and that he still loved me and that we would figure it out. I know a lot of the future conversations are going to revolve around finances for a bit, and that’s a subject I’m not good at talking about.

I hate money. I hate people owing me money. I hate owing people money. I hate the stress of not knowing if I have enough money. I hate not having clear, concrete numbers. Mentally it will be rough until he gets up here and we have a few months to see how things settle out. At least I was able to get to a point where I felt like there was closure in the conversation. I was able to go to sleep after having it.

I woke up tired for work Saturday. The day itself was smooth, but there had been more conversations and I was frustrated when I went on my break.

Move-in for the apartment is April 10th. My brothers are planning to be in Lincoln on the 16th of April. When I told my FA I wanted the 17th and 18th off, typically days I would work, I was asked to see if I could switch days with our other tech. I reached out to Other Tech, but she’s planning a vacation or something and won’t know until Tuesday if she can switch with me.

I was frustrated. The only time I have asked off in the past year was for surgery. This is going to be the only chance I have to be there to help with the move in. The only chance I’ll have to see my older brother and nephew while they’re in town. I want my days off. I feel I’ve done too much for our team and our patients to be told, “No. You can’t have two days.”

I called Ox and told him the situation and how I felt unsupported. How I was frustrated and felt like I was being told “No”. I hadn’t gotten back in touch with my FA over Other Tech’s response. Ox’s advice was to let her know and if push came to shove, to put in for PTO. Basically, draw my line in the sand. I WON’T be there on these days. Figure it out.

Still feeling frustrated, but slightly better, I let my FA know what Other Tech had said. We won’t know until Tuesday if she can switch days with me. My FA replied, saying to keep her posted and if nothing else, we’ll reach out to the region to find coverage.

That made me feel better. I felt more supported. Essentially, I have the days, it’s just waiting to see if I need to put in PTO for it or if I’ll be able to get my hours by switching days. And looking back on it, a lot of the frustration I felt was internal because of shit my brain was saying, not based on facts or reality. I think a lot of it had to do with being tired and not taking enough time for self-care.

Being frustrated didn’t help with my tiredness level, but I did feel better after my FA’s reply. I was able to finish out the day sans yucky feelings. I went to the house after work. Ox has his kids so we ordered pizza for dinner. I ate at the house with the family. We even took care of the cardboard that was on the front porch since we have to recycle that. Overall, it was a nice evening.

I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and realized I had left my sweater with my cigarettes at the house. Ox brought them to me. We had a cigarette together and then I went back to sleep.

I’m done with roller coasters. I need some quiet, normal, non-eventful days. ;-;

Musing Moment 142: Better Than Good

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I still don’t have a date for my surgery. By the time I got a chance to call Friday afternoon the office was already closed for the day because of course, it makes sense to close at 11:30 on Fridays…

Blarg.

Work has been going well. It’s been helping to keep me grounded, if just barely. It helps to keep things feeling “normal”. I still go to work. Days are still mildly crazy. I still see all of my patients. I still have cancer and I still save lives.

Ox and I tried having a date night last night. I wanted to go out. I wanted to get wings without having to drive halfway across town to a location that was nowhere near any of the other things we had been hoping to do; grocery shopping and such.

We found a place online that seemed promising. The service sucked. My food was not up to my standards of wing-ness. Though, to be fair to them… I have pretty high standards. Overall I wasn’t impressed and felt like it was a waste of the money we spent. We had to wait so long for the food and then the bill that by the time we left I was too tired to want to do the shopping. We went home instead. I slept at the house rather than going back to the apartment to be with the kittens.

It was nice, sleeping next to Ox. I so rarely get to do that now. I didn’t spend the night alone, trapped in my own darkness. I woke up next to someone I care about.

Despite feeling like the money spent on date night was a waste, it was nice to be out. It was nice to try to have a date night even though I have cancer. It was nice to feel normal and not defined by something no one can see. No one around us knew. I could pretend to be a normal person. I cling to the things that make me feel normal right now; that let me pretend that all of this isn’t going on. I can pretend that I’m not waiting for a call about surgery. I can pretend that I’m scared.

I’m just a normal person with a normal life and things will be ok. I don’t think pretending all of this isn’t going on is healthy, but I also don’t know how to confront or contend with all of the emotions going on so I don’t know what to do.

I know a lot of it is still a rat’s nest inside of my head. I’m not defined by my organs or lack of them. I’m not defined by sickness or lack of it. I’m not defined by my resolve or when it wavers. Strength isn’t defined by a lack of tears or the absence of fear.

I know all of these things and yet I can’t fight the evil voice which isn’t so little anymore. It has strength and power which gives it size. It’s not little whisperings which I can tell to go fuck themselves.

“Good girls don’t get cancer.”

That’s one of the things it says to me, stated like a fact, full of confidence and conviction. It doesn’t have to yell those words at me. You don’t have to yell when you know you’re right. That’s the type of voice it uses right now. It knows it’s right and that I can’t do anything to change it.

I don’t know how to fight Evil Voice right now because there’s a part of me who agrees with it. Trust me, I know it’s fucked up to have that type of mentality. I didn’t ask for cancer. I didn’t actively do anything to get it. But saying, “It’s not my fault,” isn’t enough to fight Evil Voice. I can’t say, “Good girls get cancer,” because that’s untrue. “Good girls fight cancer” doesn’t work because I don’t feel like having surgery is really fighting… I don’t know what to say to fight back as so I’m left feeling like I’m losing another part of myself that I didn’t know was such a part of my identity.

The whole “good girl” thing comes from the bdsm aspect of my life which may or may not be appropriate to write about, but fuck it, this is my writing and this is where my brain is at. When Ox called me a good girl during sex the other day I completely lost it. I was furious at him for calling me a good girl. Furious to the point of tears and breaking down in anguish because I’m no longer what I was; what I should be. I’m not a good girl anymore. How could he say that to me when I’m not deserving of that phrase.

Good girls don’t get cancer.

All of this sucks.

Who am I? Who do I want to be? What defines me?

Where do you start with questions like that?

I guess, first and foremost I’m a sister. To my brothers and my half-sisters. I’m there for them. I’m still a daughter to my mother and father. I am a partner to Ox. I don’t feel like I’m a very good partner at the moment. I feel like I take a lot of energy from him. I cry a lot. I talk about stupid things like zombie apocalypses and last wills and how I feel unworthy. He says he doesn’t mind but if I’m tired of myself then I don’t understand how other people wouldn’t be tired of me, too.

He says I’m still “His good girl,” which helps, though I don’t know why. Maybe because it takes away my perspective. His view of good and my view of good can be different. My having cancer doesn’t change his view so his view of “good” is still valid and allowed while my view of “good” needs to be more definitively defined so as to combat Evil Voice.

When I talked to my instructor she said as caregivers, most of the time it’s easier for us to give care than to receive it. I feel like there’s a lot of truth in that statement. I don’t want to be a burden to people around me. I can’t be the happy and optimistic me I normally am and I know that bothers people. They want to help. They want to do something, but there’s nothing for them to really do other than let me try to swim through the tidal wave of feelings when they come.

Most of the time I’m so tired of feeling that I feel nothing and there’s a part of me wondering if that’s the cancer fucking with my thyroid or if that’s legitimately how I feel. And there’s still yet another part of me who wonders if it even matters where the emotions come from or why they’re there. The end result is the same regardless of the source. Maybe it’s the fact that it is winter. Or the holidays. Or that it’s a day that ends in “y”. Who knows.

There is this pervasive feeling of… something. I’m tired of figuring stuff out. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m tired of defending my self-worth against myself because I’m the only one saying that I failed.

I’m a failure. I’m a fuck up. I’m too much. I’m too little.

No, I’m not, damnit. Fuck you, Brain.

You know what? Yeah. That’s exactly it. That phrase right there is the thing I didn’t know I needed to say. Fuck you, Brain. Fuck you and all your thoughts and emotions. Just… fuck you.

Angry. I guess that’s what a lot of it is at the moment. Anger and frustration and helplessness because none of this is in my control. Fuck you, Universe and all your trials and “adventures”. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of your games. I’m tired of proving myself.

I’m angry that now I finally have the insight to want to talk to mom about things she went through that I can’t. Fuck you. Fuck you for putting me in this position after taking her away from me.

Fuck you for making me think that I am going to owe this doctor my life and be in his debt. Fuck you for the mentalities you fostered in me. Fuck you for making me an INFJ who’s constantly aware and considerate and understanding of others but completely unable to provide or apply the same understanding to myself.

I’m always in a different category simply because I’m me and I’m sick of it. Fuck you. I’m no different. Ok? I’m the same. I’m a fucking human, too, just like every other person on this fucking planet. I’m a human even if I don’t have my thyroid. I’m a human even if I have cancer. I’m a fucking human, too, and I’m allowed to be angry and frustrated and tired and not ok.

I’m allowed those things. I’m allowed to feel those things.

You can’t take that away from me, Universe. I’m still human. No matter what you do to me, no matter what you take away from me, I will always be human. I will always be my mother’s daughter. I will always be my brothers’ sister.

I think that’s a step in the right direction. I feel better for having found it at least. I’m human. Cancer can’t fucking change that.

Yeah. That’s right. Fuck you, Kevin. You can’t change me; the real me. The human me was human before you and will still be human after you, you son of a bitch. Fuck you for fucking with my life. I won’t let you make me think that I’m less than awesome. I won’t let you tap me out. I won’t let you win because you don’t deserve to win.

So what if I’m not a good girl anymore. Maybe you’re right, Evil Voice. Maybe I’m not a good girl anymore. Maybe I’m an awesome girl now. You want to play this fucking game? Fine. I’ll destroy you, Evil Voice. I’ll crush you with every fiber of my being. I’ve fought too hard to get to where I am for you to hurt me like you used to.

I don’t need to be “good” anymore, Evil Voice. I’m better than simply “good”. So go ahead. Keep your stupid word, you selfish bastard. I’m graduating, up-grading, transforming, evolving.

Thank you for pushing me to this point, Evil Voice. Thank you for making me realize I’m better than good.

Daily Post 172: A Day of Self-Care

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It’s 8:12 as I sit to write this. I have to be up at 2:30. I’m ok with cutting into my sleep, though. It’s the first time in a while where my ability to write overlaps with my will to write. I want to take advantage of it while I can.

I finally have internet at the apartment. Woo! That means I have the ability to write and post in the same sitting. I can pay bills online while staying in my pjs. I can look up new recipes while I sip at my cup of coffee. I can listen to music on my phone without cutting into my data.

It’s stupid, but it makes me happy to have it again. It’s another silly, small thing that makes me feel like an independent adult who has their shit mildly together on the outside because the inside is a lot like this…

In regards to the internet, there was a promotional offer for the first three months free with this particular internet provider. There was also a referral program I could take advantage of since it’s the same internet company Ox’s parents use. All in all, it ended up working out well for me to hold off for so long with getting it set up. It’s nice to finally have it again, though.

Work is still pretty nebulous and I don’t like that. I finally worked with my FA again yesterday. She was gone on PTO for about a week. We didn’t get a chance to talk about anything overly important yesterday; at least not the important things I was hoping to have answers to or clarification on. So I’m left working through feelings of frustration.

I’m still mildly frustrated over the PCT Advisory Committee meeting, too, but I’m coming to terms with those feelings. And since I don’t have a whole lot of time to write, right now most likely isn’t the best time to get into it.

I’ve decided for the time being to keep my head down and simply work through my schedule. That’s all that’s really required of me. I’m still doing five days a week anyway. There’s not a whole lot else I can do or give.

Ox and I had lunch today after he got off work. I’ve listened to a fair amount of the new leadership book for my class on August 5th. I bought the plane tickets and reserved a car for August 18th to the 22nd so I can visit Orlando before the LPN program starts on August 27th. I bought and assembled a new computer desk which I’m currently typing at. I like it. I think it will serve me well once school starts and once I get things put away/organized better. I ordered a gaming chair from Amazon that should be here in a few more days. Got some new cross-stitching thread ordered, too, since I didn’t have all of the colors I needed to complete the project I started. Hard to believe there are still colors I don’t have…

I did finish a small project last night, which is why I started the new one. I’ve switched my focus from larger projects to smaller ones at the moment. Since I don’t allow myself much time to stitch doing smaller patterns lets me still feel a sense of accomplishment or at least progress.

I’ve also been playing Witcher 3 for the past week. Ox set up my tv, the one I bought over a year ago and never had a place to put… He also set up my PlayStation for me while I was washing dishes at the apartment. I restarted my game… again… I’m so tired of killing this freaking griffin. >.<;

Thankfully I’m past the griffin part. I’m enjoying the game and playing and escaping from reality for a few hours at a time. I’m looking forward to sticking with it and getting to new parts that I haven’t already played. It’s also been nice to have my own little entertainment area. I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had my own living room since I first moved down to Florida, what… eight years ago? Maybe nine?

The first apartment I ever had, I lived alone. After that I always had roommates and so the living room was a communal area. Realizing that fact made things feel more… real. More me. More mine and safe and like I have actually achieved something with my life so far. Maybe I’ve been making more progress than I’ve allowed myself to fully acknowledge.

Overall, today has been a low key day and I’m ok with that. I did a fair amount of self-care today. All of my chores were caught up so I could take the time to do the things I wanted to do and it was an extremely nice change of pace.

The next two days I work at the Cap City clinic, but I’m C1 which means I’ll be leaving at 1 pm at the latest. Theoretically… The Universe always loves to fuck with shit when you say it in absolutes like that.

The past two times I’ve opened the clinic things have gone smoothly. I am starting to get a feel for the workflow at that clinic and mixing bicarb doesn’t intimidate me like it used to. I’m not necessarily looking forward to my days at this clinic, but I’m not dreading them either. I know what the tasks are that I need to do as a C1. It’s a confident feeling. Stable. Self-assured. I know what I need to do and I have more faith in my ability to do it well and efficiently since I’ve had to cover so many shifts at this clinic recently.

Anywho… not a whole lot else at the moment. I know I need to write some deep, soul-searchy posts in the near future, but I don’t feel like digging that deep tonight, so it’s off to bed for me.

Daily Post 154: Writing Through the Frustration

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I’m writing at the advice of Mother Earth, not that she specifically said to write. She said to give myself 30 minutes. 30 minutes to rage and cry and cruse and throw all of it at the Universe, because the Universe can take it. At the end of my 30 minutes, I can ask myself if I need 30 more…

So here I am. Sitting in front of my computer in the dark with the only light coming from my computer screen and Beady’s heat lamp. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that Ox has a ball python, but there you go. He does and his heat lamp is on. A faint red glow to clash with the bright white of the computer screen.

I’m frustrated. I’m burnt out. I don’t want to do anything and yet I have all of these things that only I can do and figure out and so spending the morning struggling to find motivation has me more frustrated until I find myself here. It’s 10 am. Ox is almost off work. He’s been outside working in the snow all morning and I have nothing to show for myself.

No. Instead I’m sitting here wanting to cry, wanting to be angry, wanting to throw in the towel and say, “I’ve figured out enough shit, I’m done. Not for forever. But for right now. I’m done until I’m not done anymore and leave me alone until I say it’s ok to tap me back in. Figure it out for yourself for a while.”

Yesterday sucked. Ridiculously sucked. Hardcore sucked. Sucked on a level of suckage that I haven’t had to deal with for a while and I wonder if that’s part of the issue. I’m out of practice with suckage. Things have been going well for the most part, so long, hard, fucked up days full of other people’s shit just aren’t my forte anymore.

I don’t know, but I feel like all of the tar and gunk and shittiness of yesterday is still clinging to me and I can’t get it to go away and it’s messing up my today, my present, the only moment I know for sure I have because we never know what’s going to happen in the future, and instead of doing something with it, about it, I’m continuing to let it spin my wheels.

So, here it is. All the thoughts and things I wanted to tell you yesterday. Yell at you. Scream at you. Rage and cry. This is what I have felt for almost 24 hours now.

I AM NOT THE NURSE!

I AM NOT THE CHARGE NURSE!

I AM NOT THE LEADER OR THE DECISION MAKER. I AM NOT THE FA. I AM NOT THE BOSS. I AM NOT THE ONLY WORKER ON THE FLOOR. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING RUNS SMOOTHLY AND ON TIME.

I AM A PCT. I AM THE LOWEST RUNG ON THE TOTEM POLE.

I AM NOT YOUR COACH OR YOUR MENTOR. I AM NOT YOUR CHEERLEADER.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND HELP ME GET THROUGH TODAY INSTEAD OF SHUTTING DOWN AND CLOSING OFF AND SPIRALING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS!

How hard is it to do that? To do your job? There was no reason for us to run an hour behind. There was no reason for it to take you 30 minutes to initiate one treatment. ONE!

In the time it took you to do that one treatment I taped up four people, cleaned and restrung two maybe three machines. I got two additional patients onto the floor for their treatments.

Why did it feel like I was by myself, alone, trying to take care of everything? Literally, everything. I made sure the labs were spun and packed. I made sure the printer worked and that treatments were generated for the next day. I made sure we had the bare essentials for supplies on the floor because I didn’t have time for a full lunch, let alone restocking everything we needed.

Why couldn’t it have felt like you were a member of my team helping me instead of accepting our fate to drown in despair? Why did I have to swim for both of us while you did nothing except try to let us drown?

Yesterday didn’t have to be the day it was. It didn’t have to suck nearly as bad as it did.

I’m frustrated with you. Not with myself. Maybe with myself… with how much I am letting all this bother me, but mostly I’m frustrated with you and with the Universe which constantly reminds me that though I’m smart and capable and able, that I’m still not good enough to do your job. I’m frustrated that you have a degree in this and I don’t yet that piece of paper doesn’t seem to mean or do much of anything. It doesn’t make you a better worker than me. It doesn’t make you better at strategy or stress management or self-awareness.

I’m angry.

I’m angry that I CAN’T do more. I’m angry that I’m not allowed to do more even though I know, KNOW, I could do it better because I already am.

You need to work on you. Just like I know I need to work on myself. The difference is that I actually am working on myself. Those self-destructive thoughts, those shadow beliefs, I confront them. I know they’re not true even though they’re really good at feeling true. They’re not. They’re lies and I refused to be lied to, even by myself.

Right Brain: Fuck you, Brain. I’m not going to deal with your bullshit.

I work through those thoughts and seek help and I don’t give up when it gets hard. I don’t throw my hands up and leave my teammates to pick up the slack.

And while all of this is going on, I’m having our new RN, the one still in training, shadowing ME. ME. NOT YOU!

I’m the one showing her the machines and how to string them and watching her cannulate and explaining processes and what I do as a tech and all of these things. Not only am I having to run the day, but I’m also having to do that under the scrutiny of someone I’ve never really interacted with before. Does she think I’m a bitch? Am I overbearing? Am I explaining this well enough? Am I throwing her to the wolves by having to constantly run around to keep things going, moving, progressing? Does she feel ignored?

Right now I just want to scream, scream over and over again in frustration because I’m just so done with yesterday and thinking and figuring out and problem-solving. I just want to cry until all of that frustration is out and no longer eating away at me. It’s not a cry of despair. It’s a cry of rage and anger and heat and frustration and wrath. A cry which will burn away everything that was yesterday and leave the ground scorched and bare so something new can come from the soggy mud that was once ash.

It was one day. It’s over, it shouldn’t matter anymore. No one died. We made it to the end of the day. Just let it go. How hard is that to do, Brain? Why can’t you just let all of that negativity go? What good is it doing me right now? What am I not learning from this moment? What more is there to figure out from the experience of yesterday that I haven’t found to make you cling so strongly to those emotions?

Just. Let. It. Go.

We need to shower. We need to start the brisket which means we need to find the recipe again. We need to figure out the shopping list. We need to listen to the rest of our leadership chapter. We need to do the reflection section.

We NEED to do things.

Why won’t you let me do them? What more do you want from me?

I figured out school. I took care of so many things last week. I’ve been delving so far into myself with this stupid leadership thing. I’ve reconnected with several people. I’ve found out one of them is dead.

I’ve handled all of your shit up until this point. What more do you want? What more can I do?

And this is where I’m going to stop my rage, anger, frustration filled rant and focus on all the good shit that happened yesterday. Because, fuck you, Brain. There was good shit and I’m going to make you remember it. Acknowledge it. I’m going to force you to type everything out, word for word, as if they were weapons to slash through all of the anger you want to wrap yourself in as if it were armor.

No. You will face me and you will do what you’re told and I will not let you keep me here in the dark, wasting away one of the few days off I have.

My FA corrected my time card for me because I forgot to clock in Wednesday last week. She’s working with me to come up with really awesome ideas for our Wall of Fame. Mother Earth and I got to talk for a little bit yesterday while I drove home. The roads weren’t complete shit while I was driving. Not awesome, but not nearly as bad as I thought they would be. The patient I thought would be in the hospital wasn’t. The new nurse actually jumped in and helped during change over so I can only imagine how far behind we would have been if she hadn’t. She seems really sharp and caught on to things quickly and I seem to get along with her really well. We were actually able to talk. I have a better read on her as a person and I think she’ll fit in well. Mama Ox cooked dinner last night. It was already done and on the table when I got home. I didn’t even have to take my plate into the kitchen. It was mind-blowingly amazing and kind and even though I know it’s not true, I feel like I didn’t deserve that kindness. I could have at least taken care of the dishes. We sat down as a family and figured out what meals we wanted for the coming week. Everyone got to put something on the list. It was awesome. I loved it. I get to make green curry at some point. I had a cup of hot chocolate with peppermint Smirnoff and I slept the whole night. I slept curled up in Ox’s arms and he stroked my shoulder as he fell asleep. We make jokes about “teeth hugs” since I’m “not allowed” to bite him. Our relationship is going really well and I’m a wife and I’m ok with that.

Yesterday wasn’t all awful, so screw you Brain.

I AM going to go shower. I AM going to listen to my book while I cross stitch and pull the curtains back because even if it is below freezing still, at least there’s sunlight. I don’t need to sit in a dark room with only the glow of the computer screen illuminating my world. My world is better than that. My world is more than that. My world is more than yesterday and I won’t let you take today away from me, so there.

Screw you, Brain. I’m off to be amazing.

Daily Post 139: Just a Ramble

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I’m a giant ball of “I don’t know what”. It’s annoying and frustrating and I feel like my mood matches the weather.

It’s been cold. There’s still snow on the ground and though the roads are decent, there’s more snow in the forecast. It’s been cloudy and icky and I miss the sun. I miss the warmth of summer. I miss mom and my old home and my brothers and my things that are still in storage and I know part of my issue is homesickness.

I’m still, in general, sick from my head cold and that isn’t helping anything. I have spurts of “with-it-ness” followed by intense episodes of tiredness. I spent most of yesterday sleeping. I have had small bouts of productivity but I don’t feel like I’ve been productive at all.

I feel mostly like my inner self is a five-year-old at the moment having a tantrum.

Left Brain: Why don’t we cross stitch? Maybe that will help us feel better.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!


Left Brain: Ok… why don’t we try writing? That could help sort out our emotions.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!


Left Brain: Alright… Well, we’ve been sick so why don’t we try relaxing and doing nothing.


Right Brain: I don’t want to!

This is where I swear if I could throat punch myself I would. I don’t even want to deal with me so I have no idea how Ox hasn’t thrown up his hands yet and told me to go figure myself out. You know… way from him… in traffic or something. Instead, he’s beyond understanding and patient. I don’t get it.

I keep being asked to cover shifts at different clinics, but since I don’t even want to work the days I’m scheduled to, I highly doubt I’ll be picking up anything extra. At least, so far, I’ve done amazingly well at dodging those bullets.

Fuck your overtime.

I made it through phase three of the interview process for my leadership class. The phone interview portion was Monday. I felt like it went well. I’ll know before February if I’m accepted or not. So I suppose at some point next week. More waiting… woo… said no part of my brain ever.

The tech who has been training is doing alright. She called out on Friday due to being sick. That leaves three days before she’s scheduled to be on her own.

That meant Friday it was just me and our float RN since my FA has been gone all week on vacation. The clinic hasn’t burned down to a pile of ashes. Yay!

Surprisingly, Friday was an amazingly smooth day. I think our RN has improved a lot since she first started covering shifts at our clinic. Still not the strongest worker, but nowhere near as rough as when she first started. Her and I high fived each other at the end of the day. It was nice. We survived and it wasn’t a brutal, hellish day from hell.

I still don’t feel like going back to work at the moment though and I feel that has more to do with burn out and this cloudy, lack of sun, sickness depression thing more than anything. It’s been the first week in a while where I actually have two days off in a row. Too bad I’ve done pretty much jack shit with them. : /

I’m taking the car in Wednesday evening to have it worked on Thursday morning, so that means I won’t be doing to the dojo Wednesday night. That means I most likely won’t go the rest of the week either because what’s the point? And that’s a question that keeps bouncing around my head.

What’s the point? In anything?

I don’t know if this is seasonal depression or what, but whatever it is, it sucks. It doesn’t feel like me but I know on some level, it is. This is my reaction to my thoughts and situation, and right now it feels like I’m sitting in a hole letting myself wallow instead of trying to get myself out. It’s a yucky, icy, snowy mush type of a hole and there really doesn’t seem like a point in getting out of it when the rest of the ground above is just as miserable and crappy as it is inside. At least inside the hole I get to sit down while I’m pouting.

It feels like I’m having to wait and I’m not good at that. I’m having to wait for my body to finish fighting off being sick. I’m having to wait for winter to finish doing its thing before the sun comes back and warms stuff up. I’m having to wait and wait and wait and wait and fuck this shit I’m going to flip tables instead because RRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRRR. >.<

I went to the gym last weekend. I was sore for a few days after but that’s to be expected. I’ve lost stamina; also to be expected. I didn’t lose any height on my box jumps which was nice. I can tell my muscles are stiff from disuse and that it will take a week or so to get back to the flexibility I was at. Overall it was a good benchmark for where I’m at. It wasn’t a good workout, but it wasn’t an awful one either. It was. It happened. There weren’t really strong feelings one way or the other.

There’s nothing stopping me from going today other than my intense desire to not go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. I’m thinking it’s more something I need to push through rather than listen to but I don’t know. What music would I listen to? How long would I stay? What would I do? What if I cry because I miss mom and everything feels pointless? I need to stop at the gas station for gas and veggies for my lunches so there’s that motivating/demotivating factor to it as well. I need to go out anyway so it would be good to go to the gym. But that means people and doing stuff and that sounds pretty sucky. But it would mean my days at work suck less because I wouldn’t have to worry about gas during the week or lunches while I’m there. My future self would thank me for it. My present self is glaring daggers at me…

I don’t like feeling like this but I don’t have a clear indication of what would help to get over it or ease the sandpaper feeling inside my skin. Nothing I think of sparks feelings of contentment or resolve or anything other than frustration and “nope”.

So… since none of it matters and I’m sort of screwed either way, I guess I’m going to go shower and go to the gym. I’ll listen to something either upbeat or angry and I’ll row for 20 minutes. Once I’m done I’ll stop at the gas station and then come home where I have permission to do whatever the hell I want, including nothing.

I’ll most likely end up cross stitching and finishing my meal prep. I’m letting the venison steaks marinate at the moment since I still need the broccoli to go with it, but I did mix up the potatoes already. Yes. I’m eating carbs this week. This is me not caring. : D

I’ve already gone through my emails since I had a stack of those. I’ve paid bills. I’ve unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. My computer desk is pretty clear. I’ve finished cleaning Jon’s cross stitch so I can get that ironed and mounted. I’m still working on scrubbing the pencil lines out of the cross stitch I did for Ox. I don’t remember having to scrub my stitching when I lived in Orlando. It’s annoying that soaking them in Oxiclean isn’t getting the pencil out the same way it used to. Oh well. Just another thing added to the list of differences I suppose.

One upside to the whole “Oxiclean no longer works” thing… It gave me a reason to go out to the craft store. I bought a chalk pencil. I’m giving it a shot with the new project I’m working on. It’s another silhouette; this time of a mermaid. I’m using a pretty blue which I had to get more thread for, too, so the craft store was going to happen regardless. I’m also out of fabric, but sadly the store was out of the count size and brand I like so I guess that means at some point I have to go back… oh, shucky darn…

I’m almost done with the mermaid’s hair. From there I’m moving on to working on her head and arms. I’ll try to be better about taking progress pictures. I’ll also, at some point, remember to post the pictures of the fairy I stitched, and Jon’s since it’s done.

I feel a little better. Maybe showering and going to the gym will help keep that going.

Daily Post 106: On Track, Maybe

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I went to work yesterday after only getting roughly an hour and a half of sleep. It’s just how the night ended up working out. I went to bed after 11:30 and woke up at 2. Going back to sleep seemed pointless since I wouldn’t get a full REM cycle. I stayed in bed resting as much as I could with the cats demanding attention, thoughts of Chinese food for dinner running through my head.

I skipped out on taking a shower which wasn’t as big of a deal as it normally would have been. I had showered before going to bed since I needed to rinse the dye out of my hair.

The drive to work sucked because I was so tired. Once I was at the clinic though, it wasn’t too bad. Moving around and constantly having things to do helps burn the tiredness off or keep it at bay. It sort of shot my plans to go to the gym all to hell though.

I made it through the work day and even got most of my “extra” work tasks done, like making sure my PTO got returned for not taking Friday off like I had originally planned. Overall it was a fairly smooth day. My FA was there to help during turn over so it was smoother than I had anticipated.

By the time the day was done, though, I just wanted to go home. I had my gym bag with me. I knew part of me wanted to go to the gym still, but there was a larger part of me who was starting to get a headache from being up for so long with so little sleep. I was still recovering a bit from the gym the day before and I had an early session scheduled for today.

I’m frustrated that I missed one of my extra days of working out this week. Since I came home and fell asleep almost immediately for an hour and a half I’m hard pressed to be too upset with myself. I woke up to eat dinner. I gamed on Final Fantasy for a short while, then went back to sleep where I, again, fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep until 2:45 this morning.

I woke up to use the restroom, had a small spoon of peanut butter to keep from getting hungry, then went back to sleep. I slept until around 6. I stayed in bed until Ox woke up and asked if I knew what time it was because he was worried I had overslept for my training.

We spent a bit of time together this morning before I got up to have breakfast and change. I went to the gym where I had a decent workout with my trainer. I came home and had a snack which I’m proud of. Skipping snacks is a bad habit I have, but for the days since I’ve been back home I’ve been doing pretty well with my eating. Not perfect, but better. Same with water intake.

Ox and I had made plans to go into town with the kids to look for a tabletop game we could all play together. The store we went to had Zombicide: Green Horde. I’m very interested in getting that at some point, but today we went with Stuffed Fables instead. It’s basically an intro DnD game. You and your group are stuffed animals who much fight the Nightmare Lord, Creepitus, to protect a little girl while she sleeps in her big girl bed for the first time.

It’s actually super cute and so far the kids seem to really enjoy it, especially as we get a better understanding of the rules.

We played for a few hours progressing through the story and killing evil nightmare minions. We stopped since it was time for dinner, after which I… don’t know what happened.

We had BLTs, which were amazing as always. I wrap my tomato and bacon in the lettuce so I don’t have to worry about the carbs from the bread. It’s a meal I can actually eat with the family rather than making my own thing or standing in the kitchen like I sometimes, most of the time, do.

Afterward, I unloaded the dishwasher and began loading it with the new dirty dishes. It’s the second time Mama Ox has come in and mentioned a “pet-peeve” she has with me doing something with the dishes.

I don’t know why it got under my skin so much. I am pretty much the only other person who helps with dishes. It makes me feel like I’m not doing things right or good enough. It most likely didn’t help that it’s the second comment in the three days since I’ve been back. This comes after cornering me during dinner last night about how I haven’t found a new pot set for her.

I was under the impression that she didn’t want one because she wasn’t interested in getting rid of any of the things she has even though the non-stick surfaces are peeling and desperately need to be replaced.

So while I’m standing there, rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding that it’s not my kitchen and that if she wants things done a certain way, I should be accommodating, new dishes are being pilled into the sink I’m trying to empty since not everyone finished eating at the same time.

It was… frustrating. By the time I got done handwashing the things that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher, I was a little sweaty, which was uber gross since I hadn’t showered from the morning’s workout.

When Ox and I stepped outside for a cigarette he asked me what was wrong. I did my best to explain it, but at the time I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to go back to the game. I didn’t want to pretend to be ok because for whatever reason, in that moment, I just wasn’t.

His mom had made a comment while I was in the kitchen about Ox and I wearing matching shirts, and that too, crawled under my skin. It’s not a “his and hers” thing. I wanted to wear one of his shirts because it smelled like him. It just so happened he had two of the same color and he put the second one on.

I’m not losing my identity or trying to be cutesy.

Arg.

Wearing black all the time is wrong, but then so is wearing a shirt of color if someone else is wearing that same color.

It’s like I can’t win. I can’t wear the right clothes OR load the dishwasher right.

Ox and I talked through what I was feeling. At least we tried to as best we could with me not wanting to talk about something I didn’t really understand. I knew all of the comments bothered me, but without having the space to process why they bothered me it was hard to articulate the frustration I felt.

We agreed to hold off on the game so I could shower and write since I never got a chance to do it yesterday and I didn’t like the added thought of pushing off writing to tomorrow. I had already pushed off my writing yesterday since I went to sleep instead. Pushing it off further wouldn’t have helped with the feelings of frustration.

The shower I took a little while ago has done wonders for me. Writing, sitting with my headphones on while music plays and taking a break from being the bookkeeper/rule master has been nice as well. Lil’ Ox is going over to Ox’s brother’s house tomorrow for a bit with Mama and Papa Ox. That will give Ox and I a bit of time to do some more errands together. We’re going to see if Ornery Ox wants to go with us.

When everyone gets back home we will most likely try to get through another few pages of the story in Stuffed Fables before dinner, after which I’ll need to go to bed since Monday is a work day.

I still want to pack and plan to go to the gym after work on Monday. I think for the time being I’m going to hold off on the dojo membership. I want to pay off my car more, and if I’m already having a hard time getting to the gym I have a membership to, then adding another, even larger, expense most likely isn’t going to help or fix anything. I want to become more consistent with my “extra” training first. I want to get SCA combat practice to be a habit. I also want to look at the dojo in Beatrice as well since my trainer keeps mentioning it. Maybe it would be easier, more feasible, to go there after work rather than driving close to an hour into Lincoln.

I don’t know what the dojo in Beatrice offers, but since I’m not roped into anything yet I can still look and see if there’s something else out there that might work better for me.

It would be amazing if I could get the car paid off before the end of the year, but without people paying me back I don’t think I’ll be able to. Kyle is still unemployed, so even though we talk, he hasn’t been able to pay me back for the time he stayed with me in Orlando. I reached out to Warren again since he never replied to my message. He actually replied to me, saying today was busy, but he would try really hard to get in touch with me at some point. Sir said he would be able to start paying me back soon, but I haven’t heard from him in a while. Mother Earth and I haven’t spoken in six months…

I don’t have any other corners I can cut financially. If I get a large tax return this coming tax season I could have the car paid off relatively early in the new year. It just sucks looking at my budget and still bleeding in $200 a month in interest into a credit card that I can’t make progress on.

I haven’t looked into the LPN program yet, but that’s more because of the way today has gone. I’m happy with the things I’ve been able to get done. I’ve updated My Fitness Pal with the changes I’ve made to my recipes. I cleaned up my phone, transferring the pictures from our trip the zoo to Dropbox along with other art pictures and inspirational quotes I’ve saved as I’ve browsed through Facebook posts these past months. I messaged several of my friends to stay in touch with them, though there are still people I need to reach out to. I’ve updated my calendar with my new work schedule along with all of the dates I need to keep track of. I’ve paid bills and I’ve allocated my leftover money to the places I want it to go.

Today has been a pretty nice and productive day. I don’t want the spat of frustration I felt early to cloud today with negativity. I think eeking out the time to write helped. I’ve been worried about my writing falling to the wayside again now that I’m back in Nebraska.

You make time for the things that are important.

I spent a large amount of time today with the kids doing something everyone seemed to enjoy. I feel like that’s a victorying in my “non-parent” parenting belt. I also got most of the things I wanted/needed to take care of scratched off of my to-do list. Oh! Which is another thing…

I’ve totally made to-do lists every day since I’ve been back. That’s another thing that’s become a hit or miss, mostly miss, thing for me. I used to religiously write my to-do list as I drank my cup of coffee in the morning. Since mom’s death, I haven’t really worried too much about my lists. If I make one, fine, if not, it doesn’t really matter.

I already have one mostly mapped out for tomorrow, and since Monday is a pretty set day, I have that one fairly ironed out as well.

It’s a good feeling. I feel like I know how to take care of my life because the things I need to get done are figured out already.

I’m hoping my vacation was the break I needed to get my life back on track. I’m hoping it let me get back in touch with myself.

Three days isn’t a whole lot to go on, but so far I think I’m doing alright.