I’m writing at the advice of Mother Earth, not that she specifically said to write. She said to give myself 30 minutes. 30 minutes to rage and cry and cruse and throw all of it at the Universe, because the Universe can take it. At the end of my 30 minutes, I can ask myself if I need 30 more…

So here I am. Sitting in front of my computer in the dark with the only light coming from my computer screen and Beady’s heat lamp. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that Ox has a ball python, but there you go. He does and his heat lamp is on. A faint red glow to clash with the bright white of the computer screen.

I’m frustrated. I’m burnt out. I don’t want to do anything and yet I have all of these things that only I can do and figure out and so spending the morning struggling to find motivation has me more frustrated until I find myself here. It’s 10 am. Ox is almost off work. He’s been outside working in the snow all morning and I have nothing to show for myself.

No. Instead I’m sitting here wanting to cry, wanting to be angry, wanting to throw in the towel and say, “I’ve figured out enough shit, I’m done. Not for forever. But for right now. I’m done until I’m not done anymore and leave me alone until I say it’s ok to tap me back in. Figure it out for yourself for a while.”

Yesterday sucked. Ridiculously sucked. Hardcore sucked. Sucked on a level of suckage that I haven’t had to deal with for a while and I wonder if that’s part of the issue. I’m out of practice with suckage. Things have been going well for the most part, so long, hard, fucked up days full of other people’s shit just aren’t my forte anymore.

I don’t know, but I feel like all of the tar and gunk and shittiness of yesterday is still clinging to me and I can’t get it to go away and it’s messing up my today, my present, the only moment I know for sure I have because we never know what’s going to happen in the future, and instead of doing something with it, about it, I’m continuing to let it spin my wheels.

So, here it is. All the thoughts and things I wanted to tell you yesterday. Yell at you. Scream at you. Rage and cry. This is what I have felt for almost 24 hours now.

I AM NOT THE NURSE!

I AM NOT THE CHARGE NURSE!

I AM NOT THE LEADER OR THE DECISION MAKER. I AM NOT THE FA. I AM NOT THE BOSS. I AM NOT THE ONLY WORKER ON THE FLOOR. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING RUNS SMOOTHLY AND ON TIME.

I AM A PCT. I AM THE LOWEST RUNG ON THE TOTEM POLE.

I AM NOT YOUR COACH OR YOUR MENTOR. I AM NOT YOUR CHEERLEADER.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND HELP ME GET THROUGH TODAY INSTEAD OF SHUTTING DOWN AND CLOSING OFF AND SPIRALING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS!

How hard is it to do that? To do your job? There was no reason for us to run an hour behind. There was no reason for it to take you 30 minutes to initiate one treatment. ONE!

In the time it took you to do that one treatment I taped up four people, cleaned and restrung two maybe three machines. I got two additional patients onto the floor for their treatments.

Why did it feel like I was by myself, alone, trying to take care of everything? Literally, everything. I made sure the labs were spun and packed. I made sure the printer worked and that treatments were generated for the next day. I made sure we had the bare essentials for supplies on the floor because I didn’t have time for a full lunch, let alone restocking everything we needed.

Why couldn’t it have felt like you were a member of my team helping me instead of accepting our fate to drown in despair? Why did I have to swim for both of us while you did nothing except try to let us drown?

Yesterday didn’t have to be the day it was. It didn’t have to suck nearly as bad as it did.

I’m frustrated with you. Not with myself. Maybe with myself… with how much I am letting all this bother me, but mostly I’m frustrated with you and with the Universe which constantly reminds me that though I’m smart and capable and able, that I’m still not good enough to do your job. I’m frustrated that you have a degree in this and I don’t yet that piece of paper doesn’t seem to mean or do much of anything. It doesn’t make you a better worker than me. It doesn’t make you better at strategy or stress management or self-awareness.

I’m angry.

I’m angry that I CAN’T do more. I’m angry that I’m not allowed to do more even though I know, KNOW, I could do it better because I already am.

You need to work on you. Just like I know I need to work on myself. The difference is that I actually am working on myself. Those self-destructive thoughts, those shadow beliefs, I confront them. I know they’re not true even though they’re really good at feeling true. They’re not. They’re lies and I refused to be lied to, even by myself.

Right Brain: Fuck you, Brain. I’m not going to deal with your bullshit.

I work through those thoughts and seek help and I don’t give up when it gets hard. I don’t throw my hands up and leave my teammates to pick up the slack.

And while all of this is going on, I’m having our new RN, the one still in training, shadowing ME. ME. NOT YOU!

I’m the one showing her the machines and how to string them and watching her cannulate and explaining processes and what I do as a tech and all of these things. Not only am I having to run the day, but I’m also having to do that under the scrutiny of someone I’ve never really interacted with before. Does she think I’m a bitch? Am I overbearing? Am I explaining this well enough? Am I throwing her to the wolves by having to constantly run around to keep things going, moving, progressing? Does she feel ignored?

Right now I just want to scream, scream over and over again in frustration because I’m just so done with yesterday and thinking and figuring out and problem-solving. I just want to cry until all of that frustration is out and no longer eating away at me. It’s not a cry of despair. It’s a cry of rage and anger and heat and frustration and wrath. A cry which will burn away everything that was yesterday and leave the ground scorched and bare so something new can come from the soggy mud that was once ash.

It was one day. It’s over, it shouldn’t matter anymore. No one died. We made it to the end of the day. Just let it go. How hard is that to do, Brain? Why can’t you just let all of that negativity go? What good is it doing me right now? What am I not learning from this moment? What more is there to figure out from the experience of yesterday that I haven’t found to make you cling so strongly to those emotions?

Just. Let. It. Go.

We need to shower. We need to start the brisket which means we need to find the recipe again. We need to figure out the shopping list. We need to listen to the rest of our leadership chapter. We need to do the reflection section.

We NEED to do things.

Why won’t you let me do them? What more do you want from me?

I figured out school. I took care of so many things last week. I’ve been delving so far into myself with this stupid leadership thing. I’ve reconnected with several people. I’ve found out one of them is dead.

I’ve handled all of your shit up until this point. What more do you want? What more can I do?

And this is where I’m going to stop my rage, anger, frustration filled rant and focus on all the good shit that happened yesterday. Because, fuck you, Brain. There was good shit and I’m going to make you remember it. Acknowledge it. I’m going to force you to type everything out, word for word, as if they were weapons to slash through all of the anger you want to wrap yourself in as if it were armor.

No. You will face me and you will do what you’re told and I will not let you keep me here in the dark, wasting away one of the few days off I have.

My FA corrected my time card for me because I forgot to clock in Wednesday last week. She’s working with me to come up with really awesome ideas for our Wall of Fame. Mother Earth and I got to talk for a little bit yesterday while I drove home. The roads weren’t complete shit while I was driving. Not awesome, but not nearly as bad as I thought they would be. The patient I thought would be in the hospital wasn’t. The new nurse actually jumped in and helped during change over so I can only imagine how far behind we would have been if she hadn’t. She seems really sharp and caught on to things quickly and I seem to get along with her really well. We were actually able to talk. I have a better read on her as a person and I think she’ll fit in well. Mama Ox cooked dinner last night. It was already done and on the table when I got home. I didn’t even have to take my plate into the kitchen. It was mind-blowingly amazing and kind and even though I know it’s not true, I feel like I didn’t deserve that kindness. I could have at least taken care of the dishes. We sat down as a family and figured out what meals we wanted for the coming week. Everyone got to put something on the list. It was awesome. I loved it. I get to make green curry at some point. I had a cup of hot chocolate with peppermint Smirnoff and I slept the whole night. I slept curled up in Ox’s arms and he stroked my shoulder as he fell asleep. We make jokes about “teeth hugs” since I’m “not allowed” to bite him. Our relationship is going really well and I’m a wife and I’m ok with that.

Yesterday wasn’t all awful, so screw you Brain.

I AM going to go shower. I AM going to listen to my book while I cross stitch and pull the curtains back because even if it is below freezing still, at least there’s sunlight. I don’t need to sit in a dark room with only the glow of the computer screen illuminating my world. My world is better than that. My world is more than that. My world is more than yesterday and I won’t let you take today away from me, so there.

Screw you, Brain. I’m off to be amazing.