dream

Prompt Page 0054: Futures Past

Standard

“As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?”

I honestly did want to be a ballerina when I grew up. Sort of cliché, but there you go.

I liked the idea of being able to dance. I liked the idea of being pretty. I liked the idea of being light and graceful and floating on air and twirling around on my tippy toes.

The reality of it is I liked the idea of being something my dad wanted me to be. He wanted a ballerina, so I wanted to be a ballerina.

I took lessons for a little while. I don’t remember them very much since it was so long ago, so far back in the past.

I remember my dad used to take me to practice.

There is one that I remember clearly. I’ve mentioned it before, in a previous post during the winter I think. It was towards the end of rehearsal. We were all lined up against the bar on one side of the room. I remember the parents were gathering at the other side, coming in through the door to pick us up, but they had to wait because we weren’t done yet.

When we were done I remember everyone running over to their parents. I remember warm smiles and love and warmth.

But I couldn’t find my parents. I couldn’t see them. So I stayed on the other side of the room, alone. Looking. Observing.

It was one of those moments where you have a puzzle piece fall into place. Like there is a physical, auditable click inside of your head. A key part of your very being has just unlocked and you now see the world through completely different eyes, a completely different perspective.

This is how forever will be.

I don’t remember how old I was. I don’t know why I had that thought, or how I even could have understood what it meant. How could I have any concept of forever, or of acceptance in society? How could I have this sense of calm existence, like I was an outsider, a foreigner, and this is how it was meant to be? That I was different, I would always be different, and that ultimately my role in life was to be an observer.

I am so far form being a ballerina that it’s almost laughable. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. I think like being a warrior instead. : )

Dragon Dreams 0005: To Struggle Or Not To Struggle

Standard

I was standing at the edge. The road before me was black, smooth. An ink line trailing away from me into the distance. It lead somewhere, somewhere away, unknown. I couldn’t see where it went, I just new it lead to somewhere else, where ever that was.

I didn’t want to step onto it. I didn’t want the blackness to touch me. There was an aversion to it that I could feel in my skin. A crawling that made me want to get away, to leave, to be anywhere else, to go anywhere else but forward.

It is much like the feeling when I get shots at the hospital. I see the needle. I see it coming closer and even though I try to comfort myself, even though I know logically I will be ok, physically I cannot stop my body from shrinking away, from pressing back into the chair, my toes curling, my fingers gripping the arms of the chair until my knuckles are white, my nails digging into the material. I want to avoid the danger, the enemy. It shouldn’t touch me, it shouldn’t be near me. Get away. Away. Please don’t do this.

That is what I am feeling as I toe the beginning of this black path.

There is some force, something I cannot see, cannot fight, pushing against my back. A wall of air I cannot stand against. There is no heat, no coldness. There is nothing to suggest anything, but I feel this pressure against me, forcing me to move forward even as I lean back, trying to remain where I am. It isn’t soft, it isn’t hard. It is there, an existence that is neither positive nor negative. True neutral.

My feet move forward and I am on the path. The tension is building inside me. I don’t want this. I don’t want this. Please don’t.

Forward, slowly, ever forward.

The view changes. Before I had been watching myself from the side, as if I were another person, observing myself struggle against this force.

Now I am above, looking down as if a bird. I can see the path and where it leads.

It is a spiral. A long, continuous black stroke spinning tighter and tighter into the center of a circle. The center of an iris which stares back at me. The spiral leads to the pupil, to this well of darkness. The iris is red. A deep, dark red, almost maroon.

I do not feel evil, or hatred from it. I feel nothing. I feel it looking at me and, again, simply existing.

But I know that I do not want to go down this path. And I struggle. I fight, I push, I beg becoming more desperate the more I am forced to give up ground. The more I am forced to move forward down this path.

I woke up, halfway sitting up in bed, disturbing Shadow from his sleep where he was curled against my legs. “No!” spills from my lips as if I am fighting with someone. I have been nice, I have asked please, I have tried, and now I am becoming frantic, the desperation bleeding into my voice.

I’m breathing hard, fast. Like I have been at the gym lifting weights. My body feels sore, as if it has been straining. I do not feel endangered. I do not feel there is an enemy near me. I feel as if I have been fighting, though. I was resisting, but there is no continued pressure. The force is gone. It is as if the round is over, but there was no real victor. More of a truce, a pause.

Zane reaches out to me. His touch is warm. He’s real.

“You’re safe.”

I remember him saying that. I don’t think I ever fully woke up. I remember stumbling through explaining the dream. I remember the spiral. I remember the iris and not wanting to go downwards.

I remember his warmth, and I remember breathing in his scent, his arms crossing over my chest and pressing his chest against my back, telling me to go back to sleep, that I as with him and I was safe.

Despite this dream I slept well last night. I woke up rested for the first time in a while. I got more than three hours of sleep in a single evening. The dream didn’t bother me, which I think is a little surprising. I don’t think it was a ‘bad’ dream or a nightmare.

I couldn’t place why I thought that. You would think having a dream about traveling down a black spiral into darkness would be a bad thing… But I couldn’t align that feeling with my dream. I didn’t think it was ‘bad’.

On a basic level I felt it had to do with school, but I felt there was more to it than that. I felt that the objects in my dream held more significance than what I was giving them, I just didn’t consciously know what that significance was.

Enter spiffy, nifty website; Dream Moods.

I looked up several things which were in, or occurred in my dream and this is what I found.

Path – Clarity / peace of mind
Ink – creativity
Spiral – spinning out of control / creative power
Black – unknown, subconscious, potential

Iris – wisdom / something I need to see
Burgundy – potential power

Being a witness – be more observant / watching life pass you by
Birds eye view – on top of a situation / new perspective
Traveling downward – wrong decision / wrong direction

Afraid – self-doubt / fear of incompetence

I feel like a lot of this lines up with what I originally thought, just with more solid wording.

I feel like my dream represents my worry over school. As my projects become more intense I have a fear that I am not good enough, not creative enough, to come up with good designs and ideas. I feel like I am not original enough to be successful.

I feel like I am going to fail and that makes me scared to try. Like I’ve set myself up for failure.

I think my dream isn’t really a warning about making bad decisions and that I am on a downward spiral to failure. I think it is a warning to show me the big picture.

I am struggling, and fighting out of fear. I’m scared, even though, like with the shot, on a logical level I know it is good for me in the long run.

Left-Brain: Don’t want to die of the plague? Cool, just sit still for 5 seconds… It won’t even hurt. I promise.

Right Brain: Fuck that shit. Get away from me. I would rather die! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

Logic… There is none…

So I think witnessing myself struggle is to show me to be observant. I am struggling, but should I be? Is that really what is in my best interest?

The view changes so I can see the iris and where the path leads. I am shown that there is a bigger picture, there is an ending to the path, and if I travel down the ink spiral I would be following my subconscious, potential, and creative power.

My fear, my self-doubt I feel is what I am scared to confront. I have to look at myself and overcome those fears. The Universe is pushing me forward and I am resisting out of fear. Illogical, irrational fear.

The unknown is scary. The darkness can be intimidating. But black is the color of life, of fertile soil, of warm summer nights.

Am I trying to avoid something which I should be embracing?

I will meditate further on this.

Dragon Dreams 0004: Water Water Everywhere

Standard

I had a dream last night. Or rather this morning. Last night is a bit of a story in itself, which I’ll get to later. But I want to write the dream down. I think it’s important.

It’s another dream where it feels like it really happened.

I was running. I think it was a trail like what I run when I decide to go running outside rather than at the gym. An asphalt strip cutting through trees, with lots of grass and greenery.

It was warm. Sunny.

Along the trail there was another trail, almost like a railroad. That was new, different. They aren’t there on the normal trails, and I don’t remember them being ‘right’ in the dream. They didn’t belong.

A few four wheelers passed me on this abnormal trail. I watched them going by.

As they did a ring fell off my finger and into the grass of this four-wheeler railroad. My high school ring. I could see the ring on the ground, but I couldn’t stop running for some reason. I wasn’t able to pick it up, and I hurt because the ring meant a lot to me. I wanted to get it back.

The ring itself was also odd because it wasn’t my high school ring. Well, it sort of was. It was like male version of it. There was a giant black onyx stone in the center, with silver and black metal work. It had been too big for my finger, which is why it had fallen off.

I ended up getting to my destination. I don’t remember much about this section of my dream, but I remember being unhappy. I wanted my ring back, and I had to wait a while before I could go back to the trail to try to find it.

I remember I had to run up a really steep hill to get to the start of the trail from my ‘home’. While I was running up the hill there were a few people on bikes who again passed me. Their quads were straining to get up the hill and they were laughing to each other about the effort, but they still made it to the top before I did.

I remember that this was the first big hill I had tried running up. I was slow. I kept thinking about other blogs that I read and the tips they give about running up hill. I tried to keep all of that in mind as I struggled to get to the top.

Finally I made it.

There was a large group of other bicyclist. One of them, an older man, nodded to me, and waved me over with a smile as if I were supposed to join them.

I shook my head and looked for the start of the trail. I needed my ring. On the run up the hill I had thought about how fun it would be, being part of the bike group, riding with other people. But when I finally got the chance I didn’t want it.

This small object was more important.

So I went to the trail. I remember there was another person there. Friendly. I don’t remember much more than that. I was flirtatious, sort of like playing hide and seek, but eventually I ran too far ahead of him and he wasn’t there anymore. It was just me and the trail.

There was a river running beside the trail now. I hadn’t remembered it before. The water was really rough, fast, turbulent. I am a good swimmer, but I didn’t think I would be able to swim against the current. I didn’t think anyone would be able to. It looked scary.

The water was dark too. It looked cold. It looked unsettled and as if it were raging against the walls of the cliffs that contained it.

The trail was high up now. It was a long drop down into the water. So much space and distance, but there was nothing protecting the trail from the edge.

Some how I ran off the side. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I don’t remember why. But the trail turned, and I didn’t, and suddenly I was falling. I pushed away from the side of the cliff so I wouldn’t hit the rocks. I was terrified, but I knew I could survive the water better than the rocks and so I tried to get further into the water.

I landed, sinking down, and immediately the water swept me down. Pulled me deeper, immersed me in the dark, icy water. I couldn’t breathe. I tried swimming but no matter what I did I was pushed down the river.

I broke the surface to breath. I could see the other side of the river. I tried to get there, but couldn’t.

There was a house. A castle or mansion. It was huge. Bigger than anything I have ever personally been inside of. It seemed to be floating in the air. I’m not sure if that was because I was drowning or if it really was some sort of magical thing. But in my minds eye it was like heaven.

It was this pristine white utopia with clean air and calm waters, and I was here on earth drowning. Struggling. Fighting to keep my head above water, and I knew eventually I would fail and this vision would leave me. It would be the last thing I saw. A salvation I would never be able to reach. Only able to view from a distance.

The water kept pulling me down the river. Further way from this place. Further from the side of the river. It was pulling me to a giant Maelstrom. The water started to spin, to swirl, taking me with it.

I was scared. I knew this would be the end.

I could see the sun through the dark water that was swallowing me.

And suddenly there was a rope. This very real, tangible cord was beside me, in my hands. It was keeping me anchored in this angry, unstoppable swirl.

I held life in my hands, and slowly I was pulled from the rage, hurt, and anger. It clawed at me. It tried to pull me back in. But the rope pulled me, inch by inch. It moved me forward and my hands gripped it so tightly.

I was pulled to shore, which was solid and real beneath me. My fingers dug into the dirt, getting grit under my fingernails, and all I could think of was it was real. It wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t dead. I was alive and the earth beneath me was real.

I looked up and saw three men in front of me. I don’t remember their faces. I don’t remember what happened afterwards. I suppose for now this is where it ends.

After yesterday I feel like this is exactly what happened to me.

I feel like once again I was drowning in my emotions. I was looking for my past in my present. I feel like I am missing opportunities that are in front of me. Opportunities that I may never get a second chance at.

I feel like I was thrown a lifeline yesterday. I feel like I was pulled from the raging of my mind and that I will be ok.

For the first time in a while I actually believe those words when I say them to myself. I’m not just saying a comforting phrase anymore. It’s the truth.

I will be ok.

Daily Post 0110: I’m Alive!

Standard

I haven’t written in a while since I’ve been sick… again… so much lame. I can’t even put into words how tired I am of not being able to do the things I want to do because I spend half the month trying to recover from the plague…

Luckily I was able to have a fantastic day Sunday. It was the first ‘date’ that I’ve gone on in a while. And actually Saturday was a pretty good day, too.

I watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World Saturday night / Sunday morning with DM after his shift. We woke up Sunday morning around 10, had breakfast, then went out to the theater to watch the new Avengers movie, which I thought was pretty good.

We went to a cinema and grill, so while we were watching the movie we got to snack on food, which meant we weren’t hungry afterwards like we were expecting to be. So we ended up going back to DMs apartment.

We had planned to go out for dinner. You know… That whole romantic dinner and a movie combo that has to happen otherwise it’s not a real date…

But we ended up watching some episodes of Archer, then ordered pizza (with a brownie because it’s a date and that’s the perfect excuse to get sugary things that you totally don’t need…) And then watched three episodes of the new season of Game of Thrones because I hadn’t seen any of the episodes.

It pretty much turned into a ‘game day’. That’s what I used to call my lazy days. It was those days off where I would order pizza and play Guild Wars 2 or World of Warcraft for 16 hours straight, or longer. I wouldn’t leave the house. Most of the time I wouldn’t change out of pjs. I would just veg out and game all day. Sometimes I would take a nap. I almost never talked to anyone if it wasn’t through the computer game, and even then I tried to keep that at a minimum.

Sunday was a lot like that. Both DM and I just chilling. We talked about my character a lot, too. We’re changing her up a lot, but I love all of the changes we’re making. I’m connecting with her a lot more. I even started writing some of her backstory. I haven’t written anything fiction in so long. It was nice to do that for a little bit.

Let’ see… So that was Sunday. Good day that I super enjoyed even though I could already tell I was getting sick again.

Monday was awful as far as the whole health thing goes.

I actually woke up at 6:30 and went to aikido at 7am, which wasn’t bad. By the time I had to go into work though I was dying. Like, Frank took one look at me and told me to go home. I was exhausted from just driving into work. It was so hard to focus on anything other than breathing.

I ended up going home and sleeping for four hours before picking up DM from work. The owners are giving him tons of hours, so he should be able to have his motorcycle up and running within a month, maybe two.

I’m pretty sure I went to sleep early, though I honestly don’t remember much more about Monday. Super sick, ‘nuff said.

Tuesday was Taco Tuesday. It was also a day off for me, which worked out really well. I didn’t have to take a sick day to stay home, and all of my labs were covered so I didn’t have to worry about work at all.

I stayed at DM’s place. It was totally empty and silent. I slept, I worked on homework, I worked on my character a little bit more. Tuesday was when I started writing the backstory for her.

I swept because I was bored. DM said that if I kept it up he would start calling me Mom as my pet name. I said that would most likely make things awkward. He agreed and said that I should stop cleaning for him.

He thinks that I am a bit OCD because it is so subconscious for me. I don’t’ know if I agree with him. It bothers me to see things out of place. I’ve never honestly thought of myself as having OCD, and even if I do, it doesn’t change who I am. I’m a bit of a neat freak, and when I’m bored I clean. I feel like it makes me helpful. As long as it’s not taken advantage of I’m cool.

So Tuesday was pretty chill. We had tacos for dinner with DM’s other roommates and one of their girlfriends. We went to the hookah longue afterwards to meet with one of his friends since it was his birthday.

It was actually pretty cool getting to talk to Bobby. He was going to UCF for Digital Media so we were able to talk about lot of things we were both interested in. We ended up playing Flux for a while, too.

I had never played the game before, so it was pretty fun catching on to the mechanics and how to play.

I went to sleep pretty much right when we got home. DM stayed up for a bit but eventually went to sleep. He woke me up from a dream I was having when he got into bed.

In the dream I had my laptop in the kitchen and was trying to type something up real fast. DM was talking to me and I asked for a few seconds to finish what I was doing. He kept talking to me and I got frustrated because I couldn’t focus on what he was trying to tell me and type at the same time. It ended up turning into an argument.

When I woke up I asked him if we were fighting because I couldn’t figure out if it was real or not.

I know I had another dream later, but I don’t really remember it. Just broken pieces of imagery. I remember there was construction, and I was in a bathroom looking into a mirror.

I remember there was other people but I don’t remember why they were there or what they were doing.

DM reassured me that even though eventually we were bound to have an argument about something, we weren’t fighting at the moment and that we were ok.

Today has been a pretty low day. I’ve gotten caught up on all of the email I haven’t been checking. I got work squared away. I got some progress made on a new cross stitch and my Illustrator Friday Challenge.

I’m going to try to go to the gym after work and run. Yeah… I’m feeling better so it’s time to go kill myself… After that I need to run by the store for some fresh dill and a lemon so I can cook the tilapia I bought.

Mother Earth sent me a message a handful of days ago that I need to reply to. I’ve been thinking over it. At first I didn’t reply because my knee jerk reaction was anger. Then I was introspective trying to figure out why I was angry, then I was sick and not replying to anyone…

I have my list though, and I’m chipping through it. I’m actually pretty proud of everything that I’ve gotten done today.

I also finally got the check from my brother. Huzzah! At some point I need to make a list of things I need to do and prioritize them so I know the order I need to start knocking stuff out in.

I got an email from my freelance people today as well. They just sent the check out today, so I should be getting that before too long too.

I feel like thinks will be ok.

Dragon Dreams 0003: Lost Card

Standard

I think I had two dreams, though they were very similar.

In the first I was going to buy an apartment. I drove and parked at a building, but it wasn’t at a leasing office. Instead I parked in front of the veterinary clinic, the one I used to take Scarlet to when I lived with my mom.

I walked inside. I remember there was a really long corridor with other people. It was like being inside of a hospital. Totally not how the actual clinic is set up. There was a shopping cart. I ended up pushing it down the corridor as if I were going grocery shopping, though I didn’t pick anything up. I’m not sure why I had it at all, why it was even there.

Even in the dream I thought it was weird, but it seemed like something I was supposed to be doing, so I did it.

When I got to the end of the corridor Kari was there, the property manager from La Aloma.

She was so happy to see me. She said she had been waiting for me and that the paper work was ready and just needed to be signed.

I left the shopping cart to the side of the corridor, trying to put it out of the way so it wouldn’t mess with anyone. I followed Kari as she went behind a counter, one like a doctor’s office, where there is a glass window separating you from the person. She got some papers then came back around and started explaining it to me.

I was getting a prorated month, so when I only owed in I $150 the first time I paid. I couldn’t figure out what my normal monthly expense was going to be though, and she never really answered my question about it.

She was being so nice and ‘helpful’ that I didn’t press the issue. I didn’t want her to think I was silly, or slow for not understanding the information.

She gave me the papers and I turned around to go fill them out. There were round tables behind me, like the ones at my YMCA. There was an empty table a little ways away, so I went to it to fill the paper out.

I read over the papers. I remember reading the numbers. I remembered worrying that I wouldn’t have enough money. There was a stack of napkins on the table, and I took one, scribbling ‘Power’ and ‘Internet’ onto them, because I realized I would have to open new accounts for the apartment, and there would most likely be deposits that I would have to pay, in addition to the apartment fee.

Feeling uneasy about the expenses, I took my wallet out. I was going to pay, though I don’t remember for what. The money for the apartment wasn’t due until I moved in which wasn’t happening yet.

Either way, I opened my wallet to get my debit card and it wasn’t there. Everything else was as it should be, but in the slot where my debit card was supposed to be there was nothing.

I couldn’t remember using it anywhere. It was as if it had never existed, like I never owned one.

I remember feelings of panic. What was I going to do? Where was the card? How was I supposed to pay for anything? How was I going to make it for the rest of the day, or buy anything else that I needed to?

I don’t think I really woke up, but there wasn’t any more to that dream.

The one I just had was very similar, though much less detailed.

I was standing somewhere, and again checked my wallet to see my debit card missing. I remembered using it at Publix, so I began retracing my steps mentally, trying to figure out where I could have lost it.

That’s when I woke up.

Dragon Dreams 0002: Yearly Review

Standard

I don’t remember details of this dream. But I do remember that it was about my yearly review coming up.

Last night while I was in the Shading and Lighting lab I filled out a form needed for the review.

Basically it had me list out my responsibilities for the class, different events participated in during the year to show community involvement, and things that I did to improve as an artist.

I think of it as busy work, to be honest.

Well I finished filling it out and sent it to Clavan so he could fill out his portion.

In my dream I got an email back from Clavan saying that it had been filled out wrong.

I think there were feelings of embarrassment for having made a mistake, anger that something so trivial had to be done in the first place. And worry that my mistake would reflect poorly on me.

That’s all I remember.

Dragon Dreams 0001: Whispers and Emmys

Standard

There was another dream that I want to write before the details slip further way.

I was a teacher, though I don’t remember what I as teaching. I was my current age. So, I was young in comparison to what most people would expect.

I remember there was one student, a girl. We were on a break, waiting for class to start back again.

Her and a boy were sitting at the desk in front of the room. Rows of desks stretching out before them. I had come back into the room and instead of walking to them I sat in a desk in the back of the room, putting my head down and resting before the class started again.

The girl leaned over and whispered to a boy next t her, but I could hear her clearly, as if she were talking directly to me.

She said that I seemed so quiet. That I kept to myself and seemed lonely.

The scene changed and I was in the building where all of our offices are. But it was different.

It was a two-story building now. I was with my class, and we were there to help celebrate something. Ken, one of my bosses, helped work on a project that got an Emmy and we where here as a way to congratulate him.

We all sat around tables that are normally used for meetings and we were clapping and smiling. Sincerely happy in his accomplishment.

There was another person there. A woman, who was trying to get to a presentation. She was following a student who was supposed to be her guide. They had been told that this was the presentation they were looking for. But it wasn’t.

The guide called someone, and was told that the correct presentation was being held in the hotel. Which for the record, we don’t have a hotel. They weren’t smiling or congratulating anyone. The woman was irritated.

The two of them rushed off to get to the other location in time.

Which left my class, sitting around, board. The faculty had broken off into small groups and were chatting, not really engaging with the students, which was making us feel out of place.

Off to the side there was a food bar set up. Some of my students got up and went over to look at it. None of the food was free though.

I got up from the table and walked over to them. Curious and wanting to feel like I was part of a group, not the awkward outsider. My co-workers weren’t socializing with me, and neither were the students.

I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere in the room.

One of the students made a comment about how high the prices were. That $10 for hot coco was ridiculous as he stormed off.

But it wasn’t a cup of hot coco that they were selling. It was a jar of the powder mix.

They were selling gift things that you could buy for Christmas. I thought the price was fair for what they were selling. But that was only because I had realized that it wasn’t the cup like everyone expected.

I was hungry. This meeting / celebration had cut into my lunch break. We were already 20 minutes into the break. That was half of my time, gone, and I still hadn’t found something to eat, or eaten it yet. We still had to get back to the classroom, too.

I looked out the window and saw on of the food trucks that are sometimes on campus. It is bright red, so it’s hard to miss.

In real life it serves hibachi. Noodles, rice, veggies, some meats. I’ve only had it twice, but both times it was worth the money.

In the dream though it served hot dogs and I was thinking about getting one with chili and cheese. But I didn’t want to spend the money. I wanted work to provide lunch for me.

I wanted work to get lunch for all of the employees. I thought it was fair for all of the hard work we do everyday. The least they could do was show appreciation by providing one of our meals.

Then I woke up.

Dragon Dreams 0000: Last Night’s Dream

Standard

I had a dream last night, and I haven’t figured out how I feel about it.

In the dream there was a person I was interested in. Not a person I actually know, but a person who was supposed to represent a romantic interest for me. In the dream his name was Conner, which is interesting because in my dreams people don’t normally have names.

I can sort of remember his face. Short blond hair. Relatively built. Muscular without being crazy about it. Tasteful I suppose is a good way to describe it. Natural.

Anyway, somehow through the events in the dream he ended up on top of me. We were wrestling, or something to that effect, something non-sexual. Playful.

I ended up hugging him in that position. My arms wrapping around his neck, my legs tangling with his, my face buried into the crook of his neck so I could breath in his scent. Our bodies as close as possible with clothing being in the way.

And instead of it turning sexual like it normally would in real life, it filled me with a sense of peace, acceptance. Some uncontrollable warmth that emanated from my chest, my heart chakra, and filled my whole being to overflowing.

It spilled out of me and into him, and we both shared in that moment of rightness. That feeling like this is what true acceptance is, what the rest of forever should feel like.

Love.

The dream continued and I’m not sure what led to the next events, but the next scene I remember was of Conner in the ocean. The waves were gentle at first, but began to turn harsh, more violent.

He treaded water at first. Confused by the change in the waves. The more forceful they became the more he struggled to stay above water. Harder and harder he fought. I could see the desperation in his eyes, in his body and he fought with nature, fought against forces no mortal would ever be able to over come. He was going to lose, he was going to drown, but he wasn’t going to go without trying his hardest to survive. To live.

And then suddenly I was myself, standing in the doorway looking at Conner on the bed, his body seizing and convulsing.

I ran to him, not knowing what to do. Just knowing that he was leaving me and that he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave me alone.

I was in the ocean with him. I was reaching out to him. My hands on his face, crying.

“Stay with me! Don’t leave me. Stay with me, please!” I was yelling, screaming. My chest hurt so badly.

His eyes saw me. He heard me for the briefest of moments, I saw the recognition, but it was too late. I was too late. And his face slipped under the water, and everything was peaceful. Calm, and I was alone.

In the dream I woke up.

Connor wasn’t dead. It has been a horrible dream. It had been so terrible, and I didn’t know how to talk to him about it. I didn’t know how to say that I held him as he died in my arms. I didn’t know how to put all of the hurt and anguish into words to tell him what I was feeling.

That I had lost him once, and I didn’t think I would ever be able to go through it again.

The scene shifted and I was in a lunchroom, something like a cafeteria for school. I guess we were in college.

I was standing talking to a girl, someone who was interested in me, but whom I didn’t have true feelings for.

She knew something was wrong, and thought it was something to do with Connor and I. She said I should leave him and be with her.

I was still hurt over the dream even though it had been a few days. I felt cold and alone. I didn’t want to feel the warmth anymore because I knew how much it hurt to lose it. How losing it would break me.

She said I should tell Connor that I never felt anything for him, and I didn’t have a crush on him, and that I wanted to be with her.

When Connor walked up to us, that’s what I did. I didn’t cry, I didn’t explain why. I stated it like facts, cold and detached, not meeting his eyes because I knew I was killing something inside him. And because I was killing something inside myself.

A mercy killing, I told myself as I sunk deeper into my inner ice cave. No feelings, no hurt. Nothing. Coldness, suspension. Stillness. Safety.

I sank behind my ice walls and shut everything out. Curled up as my inner four year old, holding my knees on the rocks, knowing that right now nothing hurts because I’m numb, non-moving. But as soon as I tried to do anything it would be horrible. So I should stay still.

That’s when I woke up for real.

So many conflicting emotions. I don’t even know where to begin with this one.