I had a dream last night. Or rather this morning. Last night is a bit of a story in itself, which I’ll get to later. But I want to write the dream down. I think it’s important.

It’s another dream where it feels like it really happened.

I was running. I think it was a trail like what I run when I decide to go running outside rather than at the gym. An asphalt strip cutting through trees, with lots of grass and greenery.

It was warm. Sunny.

Along the trail there was another trail, almost like a railroad. That was new, different. They aren’t there on the normal trails, and I don’t remember them being ‘right’ in the dream. They didn’t belong.

A few four wheelers passed me on this abnormal trail. I watched them going by.

As they did a ring fell off my finger and into the grass of this four-wheeler railroad. My high school ring. I could see the ring on the ground, but I couldn’t stop running for some reason. I wasn’t able to pick it up, and I hurt because the ring meant a lot to me. I wanted to get it back.

The ring itself was also odd because it wasn’t my high school ring. Well, it sort of was. It was like male version of it. There was a giant black onyx stone in the center, with silver and black metal work. It had been too big for my finger, which is why it had fallen off.

I ended up getting to my destination. I don’t remember much about this section of my dream, but I remember being unhappy. I wanted my ring back, and I had to wait a while before I could go back to the trail to try to find it.

I remember I had to run up a really steep hill to get to the start of the trail from my ‘home’. While I was running up the hill there were a few people on bikes who again passed me. Their quads were straining to get up the hill and they were laughing to each other about the effort, but they still made it to the top before I did.

I remember that this was the first big hill I had tried running up. I was slow. I kept thinking about other blogs that I read and the tips they give about running up hill. I tried to keep all of that in mind as I struggled to get to the top.

Finally I made it.

There was a large group of other bicyclist. One of them, an older man, nodded to me, and waved me over with a smile as if I were supposed to join them.

I shook my head and looked for the start of the trail. I needed my ring. On the run up the hill I had thought about how fun it would be, being part of the bike group, riding with other people. But when I finally got the chance I didn’t want it.

This small object was more important.

So I went to the trail. I remember there was another person there. Friendly. I don’t remember much more than that. I was flirtatious, sort of like playing hide and seek, but eventually I ran too far ahead of him and he wasn’t there anymore. It was just me and the trail.

There was a river running beside the trail now. I hadn’t remembered it before. The water was really rough, fast, turbulent. I am a good swimmer, but I didn’t think I would be able to swim against the current. I didn’t think anyone would be able to. It looked scary.

The water was dark too. It looked cold. It looked unsettled and as if it were raging against the walls of the cliffs that contained it.

The trail was high up now. It was a long drop down into the water. So much space and distance, but there was nothing protecting the trail from the edge.

Some how I ran off the side. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I don’t remember why. But the trail turned, and I didn’t, and suddenly I was falling. I pushed away from the side of the cliff so I wouldn’t hit the rocks. I was terrified, but I knew I could survive the water better than the rocks and so I tried to get further into the water.

I landed, sinking down, and immediately the water swept me down. Pulled me deeper, immersed me in the dark, icy water. I couldn’t breathe. I tried swimming but no matter what I did I was pushed down the river.

I broke the surface to breath. I could see the other side of the river. I tried to get there, but couldn’t.

There was a house. A castle or mansion. It was huge. Bigger than anything I have ever personally been inside of. It seemed to be floating in the air. I’m not sure if that was because I was drowning or if it really was some sort of magical thing. But in my minds eye it was like heaven.

It was this pristine white utopia with clean air and calm waters, and I was here on earth drowning. Struggling. Fighting to keep my head above water, and I knew eventually I would fail and this vision would leave me. It would be the last thing I saw. A salvation I would never be able to reach. Only able to view from a distance.

The water kept pulling me down the river. Further way from this place. Further from the side of the river. It was pulling me to a giant Maelstrom. The water started to spin, to swirl, taking me with it.

I was scared. I knew this would be the end.

I could see the sun through the dark water that was swallowing me.

And suddenly there was a rope. This very real, tangible cord was beside me, in my hands. It was keeping me anchored in this angry, unstoppable swirl.

I held life in my hands, and slowly I was pulled from the rage, hurt, and anger. It clawed at me. It tried to pull me back in. But the rope pulled me, inch by inch. It moved me forward and my hands gripped it so tightly.

I was pulled to shore, which was solid and real beneath me. My fingers dug into the dirt, getting grit under my fingernails, and all I could think of was it was real. It wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t dead. I was alive and the earth beneath me was real.

I looked up and saw three men in front of me. I don’t remember their faces. I don’t remember what happened afterwards. I suppose for now this is where it ends.

After yesterday I feel like this is exactly what happened to me.

I feel like once again I was drowning in my emotions. I was looking for my past in my present. I feel like I am missing opportunities that are in front of me. Opportunities that I may never get a second chance at.

I feel like I was thrown a lifeline yesterday. I feel like I was pulled from the raging of my mind and that I will be ok.

For the first time in a while I actually believe those words when I say them to myself. I’m not just saying a comforting phrase anymore. It’s the truth.

I will be ok.