Daily Post 139: Jujitsu

Going on day three of posting. Woo. Go me.

I forgot about getting my car battery replaced yesterday. The car has felt weak when I start it. It started getting to the point where I felt like I was playing Russian roulette when I turned the key. Not a fun feeling to have.

I stopped by the auto store and had the battery tested, for free because they’re awesome, and the test came back bad. So crisis averted. Bought a new battery. They put it in for me. I turned the car on and everything was back to normal.

I’m not sure if this situation says anything about my growth in life. In the past, literally anything with the car would have been the main focal point of my day because car issues were always insanely stressful for me. Now, not so much. Maybe I forgot about it because the issue was so easily taken care of. Or maybe with everything else I’ve had to go through the thought of car trouble just can’t get under my skin the way it used to.

I finally finished painting my closet today. The previous tenets were weird and had the closet shelving ridiculously high. It was almost out of my reach just for hanging clothes up, much less actually using the shelf space to store anything. Since I was painting anyway I went ahead and took down all of the shelving, painted, then put the shelving back about six inches lower this time. Poof, usable space. I got my clothes hung back up so my room feels less like a disaster. Also got to use the power tools again so I’m feeling pretty savvy.

Tomorrow I’ll do the baseboards and then I’ll be able to scratch “master bedroom” off of the list. Hooray. I’ll be able to start going through my “in” box which is really the last thing I need to do in regards to my room. Then I can start working on finishing the office, which is baseboards and floor scrubbing. Then bathrooms. Then kitchen. Then I can start making plans for the patio area.

It might be taking a bit longer than I thought it would, but everything is coming along.

I didn’t workout today and I’m mildly bummed about that, but in my defense things changed last minute and they didn’t work the way I thought they would.

Since Big Bad and I wrestle so much I started thinking about looking into jujitsu classes. I found a place that seemed really interesting. They offer Muay Thia along with MMA sparring and grappling classes. They had a video showing the gym and explaining the school. Color me intrigued.

I was super nervous about going, but I wanted to see what it was like. It has a super laid back atmosphere and the instructors I spoke with were extremely nice. I think it lines up more with what I’m looking for now. The boxing place I’m going to is fun, and I’m comfortable there, but I want more interaction and sparring rather than a cardio workout with a punching bag.

Even as I type that I’m cringing because I don’t want to make it seem like my current gym is bad or lacking. It’s not. They’re great people and I enjoy going there. I feel like I’m interested in a slightly different thing now, which isn’t something they offer. This new place may be more what I’m… I don’t know… craving, I guess.

After talking with the Muay Thia instructor for a while I decided to schedule a time to try out a class. I made the appointment for Monday but realized about 30 minutes after I had left that I can’t go Monday. I have to go to South Carolina with my younger brother as his emotional support and witness for filing his divorce paperwork. Much lame…

So I guess I’m going to call the place tomorrow and see if I can switch to the Saturday classes instead. If not then I guess I’ll figure something out. I wouldn’t be able to go until Wednesday at the earliest, but since Wednesdays are SCA combat days I really wouldn’t be able to go until Thursday and I really don’t want to wait a whole week. : /

We’ll see what happens. I’m sure there won’t be an issue going on Saturday.

Tomorrow morning I get to go check out a bike I found on Craig’s List. It looks like it’s in good condition. Honestly, it looks bearly used. The reviews for the model all say it’s a “good starter bike” which is really all I want / need. It’s a hybrid so there’s suspension on the front wheel. Aluminum body, so it shouldn’t be too heavy. I’m going to go check it out and see what I think of it in person. I’m hoping I like it.

If I start going to this new gym it would only be a four-mile bike ride to get there. Not that I’ve looked into that already or anything…

I’ve played a bit of Guild Wars today as well. Got a bunch of mastery points. Saved a bunch of people. Killed a bunch of evil bad guys. Productive day.

I went through all of my tags for my blog and deleted way more than should have ever existed. I’ve been blogging for over two years, though, so I guess it’s understandable. I’ve gone through different phases of tagging posts and have never thought to go back and clean up the back end of things. I don’t think it was really affecting anything, but it made me feel good to do it.

I started feeling a bit lonely this evening. Missing mom. It’s an ache in my chest. Like a bruise. One that you can feel without having to touch it. I can’t help but wish I could see her one more time. Sit across from her one last time. I don’t know, just five minutes where I can smile and laugh with her. I wish I could tell her about the car battery or finishing painting, or any number of the silly, trivial things that go on in my life.

Today was a good day. Even on good days sometimes I still cry.

Letters to Mom 007: A Much Needed Talk

I wrote this last night but was unable to post due to laptops being lame and emotional exhaustion.

At least I’m posting now, right? That whole better late than never thing, mayhaps? ^^;

Hey mom.

I need to write to you right now, and that sort of sucks because the only thing I have to type on is a micro Dell laptop that I guess Jon got when he first got out of basic training. I had mentioned to Jason that I was in the market for a laptop since I had to give mine back to work and he got this thing out for me to play around on. This is the first time I’m poking at it, and I can already tell that I won’t like it, but for right now, it’s the only thing I have to spill the words out on, so I suppose it’s serving its purpose.

I’m in Vegas right now. I’m with Jason, Lio, and Jace. I’ve only been here a few days, and I’ll only be here a few days more. There have already been some really hard moments for me and I need to tell you about them. I’m already crying which is frustrating because it’s hard enough to type on this tiny keyboard without the added complication of not being able to see what I’m typing; in Word Pad no less since this thing apparently doesn’t have the Office suite…

Anyway… Take off from Denver wasn’t so bad. I still had tears and the conflicting feelings of my brain begging you to be alive when I landed, just like the first flight out to Vegas five months ago, and the despair of knowing how futile feeling those emotions are because you’ll never be there. Not this time. Not next time. Not any time I fly. It’s like those emotions are ingrained into the experience of take off. The experience of not being connected to my phone for four hours and not knowing what was happening. Not knowing what I would be walking into when I got off the plane and wishing, bartering, begging with everything that I had for you to hold on long enough for me to say goodbye. To say I love you. Four hours of “Please be alive. Please be there.”

But you won’t be there anymore. And I know that. Yet I still feel everything so intensely when the plane starts down the runway, and it doesn’t matter that I know you won’t be there now. My brain still says those words and I still have to hide my face from the people sitting next to me so they don’t see the tears I can’t stop.

I know the feelings will be there now. I understand what it feels like and I’m better able to cope with them; the thoughts, the feelings. I’m sure I’ll still feel those feelings when I fly to Texas on Saturday. And I’m sure it will still hurt and I’m sure I’ll make it through the trip just like I’ve made it through all of the flights so far. It still sucks though, and I don’t know why but I want to tell you that it sucks. I want you to know that it hurts and that I miss you every time.

It sucks and I make it through it.

I read Jace his first bedtime story. I think that would have made you smile, but that was really hard too. I wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t prepared to walk into his room and to see your picture there on his dresser. I had to hold it together while he rummaged through his bookcase and picked out the story he wanted me to read to him.

Mom I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to be the one reading to him. It should have been you. You should have been there to smile at me and tell me how I am becoming a good aunt and that I’m so good with him. You should have been there to encourage me and to tell me that I’m not fucking things up with my not knowing what to do with a three year old.

We had dinner that night. Lio’s parents came over and that sucked because I was sad from reading the story to Jace and had to keep that sadness from consuming me. Jason, Lio, Jace and I sat at the kitchen table like a family and ate dinner together and I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream because it hurt so much. I knew it would it would hurt. The whole time I was in the kitchen making my plate the only thought I had was how I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to sit down. I didn’t want to do it because that would make things real. But I knew it was something I was going to have to do. To face.

You’ll never sit with us again. Not that night. Not the next night. Not on Thanksgiving. Not ever.

It’s all of these stupid, trivial things that shouldn’t hurt but they do, mom. They hurt so much and I wish you were here so you could hug me because you always made everything feel better. You always made me feel like no matter what, no matter how much things sucked, or how much they hurt, that they would be ok. You always had a way of making me believe that I would be ok. And now that you’re not here I’m having to tell myself those words. I’m having to believe myself and sometimes that seems like the most impossible thing to do. Sometimes it still feels like a lie that I’m trying to make myself believe.

I don’t know how to handle the holidays this year. You won’t be here for Thanksgiving and if a normal family dinner hurt that much I can only imagine what that day will be like. Or my birthday. The first one without you calling me to wish me a happy day. Or Christmas just a few days after that. Not even a week. I guess that week is really going to hit me hard with so much so close together.

The first New Years without you…

Mom, how am I suppose to survive all of that?

Jason and I went out tonight. We went to different stores trying to find sandals for me to replace the ones I’ve had for four years. We went to a craft store because I told Jason about some art books I had seen and he was interested in them. We went to Barns and Noble and spent a while looking at books. I think that would have made you smile. You always loved that the three of us liked to read so much.

We went to dinner where they had paper on the table with crayons and I got to color and draw and I guess that impressed Jason. I don’t think he’s ever seen me draw. Not since going to school. We played a game of tic-tac-toe where neither of us won. We went to the movie theater and watched Star Trek. I think you would have liked the movies. I think you would have actually gone to the theater and watched it with us if you were still here. One of the few movies you might have been interested in.

I think the last time Jason and I had any time alone was seven years ago, when we still lived in South Carolina. I think the concerts he took me to where the only times we ever spent time alone. We were always with Jon, or Lio, or it was all of use together. I don’t mean for that to sound bad, because in my mind it isn’t. It’s just a fact that I realized. It was a really nice night. It was an amazing night where we both laughed and talked about games, and books, and movies, and got to remember just how similar we are even though there’s twelve years between us.

We had to drive past the hospital you stayed at. The one where you died. Part of me wants to go back there. Part of me wants to see the room. I don’t remember the room number even though at the time I thought I would never forget it. I would still be able to walk to it. I remember the elevator ride up. I remember walking down the sterile halls to your room. I remember Jon placing your ring into my hand.

I don’t know what it would do for me. Nothing… Everything… Would it hurt? Would it help? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a sick way for my brain to jab at this wound with a rotting stick. Who knows?

I know I won’t go there this trip. Maybe on another one though. Maybe one day it will happen.

I talked to Lio about the holidays. She wants all of use to come out. She thinks it will be good for Jon and I to be together. She thinks it would let us hash things out in a safe environment. I don’t want to be alone on those days, so I guess I’ll be here even if Jon is. I think Jason would put a stop to things if he started being vicious towards me.

I miss you, mom. I wish you could see the changes Lio has made to the house. You would be impressed with how crafty she is. You always were. I wish you could hear how much Jace is talking. I wish you could hear him count to 10. I wish you could see him dance to Turn It Down for What. You would think it’s the cutest thing in the world even though you would most likely despise the song.

I wish so many things, and it all comes back to wishing you were here.

I know you’re with me. Jace has already asked about the pendent I wear. The little urn I got so you would always be with me. He knows it’s something special. The way he looks at it. The way he reached for it while I was buckling him into the car seat when we went grocery shopping. It’s not the same as his fascination with other things. He loves you mom, and I so wish you could still be a part of his life.

I wish you could still be a part of mine. Physically.

I knew this would be the hardest part of my month of traveling. The days are getting easier the more I’m here. Dinner the second night didn’t hurt as much as the first. Reading the second bedtime story didn’t make me want to break down into tears. I made it through those firsts and survived. I’ll keep surviving my year of firsts.

And I guess that’s as good a point as any to end my one-sided conversation on. I’ll keep surviving, mom. I love you. I miss you. I know you’re still with me. I’m sorry it still hurts and I still cry.

I love you. Forever and for always, and I’ll keep surviving.

Daily Post 104: Why Did No One Tell Me About Yoga Socks?!

Yoga socks! I didn’t even know those were a thing. How have I not known about this? How have I been living my life without them?

I am totally captivated by this concept. And they have yoga gloves, too! I shall never have to worry about face planting onto the floor due to my own sweat ever again. So much win. I seriously cannot begin to express how much I am geeking out over this discovery.

Needless to say I have a set of yoga socks on the way from Amazon, and you can be sure that I’ll write about how much I love, or hate, them once I put them on and try them out.

To be honest I’m not getting them for yoga. I’m actually getting them for work. Since I’ve been biking to work I’m always in my cross-training Vibrams, which don’t get me wrong, they’re awesome. I love them and fully encourage people to try them out.

I don’t like being in those shoes for eight hours after I’ve just gotten done sweating in them by biking to work. I’ve wanted a pair of comfy shoes to switch into, but I don’t want to leave my other pair of Vibrams at work, or cart an extra set of shoes back and forth with me everyday. I want a pair that I can leave at work with my sweater and extra pants.

Enter in yoga socks. I’m going to try bending the rules a bit, because I’m a terrible person like that. Since the “socks” have grip on the bottom I’m hoping they will fulfill the requirements of shoes. My goal is to have something comfy to wear and leave at school that still makes everyone happy because I’m not barefoot or wearing flip-flops / sandals.

Me to HR after being called in for dress code violation: Come on, guys… work with me here. I’ll compromise if you do. It’s not like the knowledge leaks out of my toes if I don’t have the right shoes on… I would also be cool with the option of you buying Zane a car. I’m sure he would be grateful for it, though I’ll most likely still bike to work even if we did have two cars…

The socks are also super cool because the product I got is actually a four pack, so I get color options. I’m not stuck with just black, or gray. I could do purple one day if I wanted. The reviews are super positive, too. I was worried about the socks not fitting. I mean… one size fits most doesn’t mean they’ll fit. I read “one size fits most” as “one size fits everyone except you because that’s how the world works”.

There was one review which mentioned the socks fitting a size 10, so theoretically I should be good. Like I said, totally can’t wait. They should be in halfway through next week.

Yesterday ended up being a pretty fantastic day.

I biked to work a little early so I could have time to cool off before my meeting. I was actually way earlier than I thought I would be and entertained the idea of going to the gym before hand but decided against it. I didn’t want my workout to feel rushed. I would have more time after the meeting than before, so best to save it for later. The meeting might go badly, which would suck and result with me most likely having to go back to the gym to work out all of the new frustration and that would just be lame. I like to think of this as efficient rather than lazy… >.>;

So, gym would come after. I took the extra time to work on homework for a bit, getting lost in my work and almost being late to the meeting…. Leave it to me to be somewhere an hour early and still end up 15 minutes late. >.<;

I wonder if this is an INFJ issue…

Anyway, the meeting was amazing. Marie is such a fantastic person and I’m so glad that I was finally able to meet her face to face. She listened to me explain and stumble through the story. She said that she mostly deals with written plagiarism and wasn’t sure how to judge design plagiarism, especially in relation to someone else’s assignment, but she listened to me explain my feelings and together we were able to find the root of the hurt.

I don’t want to be thought of as dishonorable or dishonest. And I guess I wrote about that in my initial post but I didn’t really consciously see it as the root of my discord. My instructor thinks I cheated, when I don’t think I did. When that’s something I would never personally do. So now he has this low opinion of me and I want to fix that. But I wasn’t sure how. I was too caught up in the emotions to know how to approach him without escalating the situation further and being defensive. And so I was left, stuck, with this cloud hanging over me. I’m a cheater, but I’m not, and I don’t know how to get the other person to see the real me.

Marie thought I was mature in my decision to not reply to my instructor right away and seeking outside help with the situation. That made me feel better about my choice to wait. I was starting to second guess myself on the level of professionalism I was displaying. I’m all about quick replies to emails and messages, but in this instance I knew if I replied before getting a firm grasp on my emotions, before really understanding them, it would go poorly. I needed to wait until I felt in control of myself and in possession of a clearer perspective.

Marie also mentioned how she didn’t feel the tone in my instructor’s email was overly harsh, which was nice to hear. It actually made it easier to accept the comments in his message knowing that I was most likely reading too far into a tone that wasn’t there. Curse emails and their lack of non-verbal cues.

She said she felt the two options were extreme, but that over all the tone was detached and professional. I can relate to that. There have been projects in the past that I have graded, projects that score a 12, or an 8. What can you really do with something that bad other than keeping a detached, logical, professional tone.

Me: This is what’s wrong. If you have any questions let me know.

Marie felt that’s what his message was intending. Plagiarism is such a taboo. Maybe that was the only way he felt he could address the issue.

Instructor: Here are the options available to us. Let me know what you want to do.

I mentioned how I wanted to meet with my instructor in person, but was worried about it. I didn’t know how to ask to meet without it sounding like I was contesting my grade. Marie and I talked further on that topic and at the end she offered to proof the message I wanted to send.

All in all it was really awesome and gave me the solid grounding I needed. It gave me a way to move forward, and having a clear course of action made me feel secure in resolving the issue.

After the meeting I biked to the gym where I ran for half a mile before doing a Nike Training Club workout. It was the Zoom in 10 workout again, focusing on full body movements. No weights, but body weight was enough to have me tired by the end while still looking at seven more miles of biking before calling it a day.

I took a few minutes to cool off before biking back to school. It was my Character Rigging lab today, so only 4 hours.

When I got in David mentioned how I “missed it” on Saturday. A fight almost broke out between two students. I’m sort of glad I wasn’t there, but at the same time I wish I had been. I feel I would have been able to dissipate the situation a bit better. No one was hurt and no fighting actually occurred.

Lab was uneventful but still mildly busy. Lots of really good questions and conversations with a handful of the students. I think I helped clear up a few concepts for one of them. She was super appreciative after our conversation, which took about 30 minutes. When she came back up the handful of times during the lab she was using better terminology and able to walk herself through the issues. It was extremely gratifying to see her confidence go from, “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so lost and behind. I can’t do this. Please help,” to, “I’m not sure what’s wrong, but this is my thought process.”

Those are the moments where I feel like my job is worth it. Seeing someone grow, become more confident in themselves. It’s not about being right. It’s not about being a prodigy. It’s about trying, exploring, improving, learning. It’s about not being intimidated by something new. Everything starts out new. It’s about taking a deep breath and doing your best.

So yeah, lab was great in my opinion. The boost and reminder that I needed to have.

Due to all of the questions / conversations I wasn’t able to make as much progress on my homework as I was hoping. I got most of it done, but still had a few pages to finish for my mood board. I’m having to analyze a magazine spread for the exercise this week. The example pdfs given as reference are only 4 pages at most. I was at 11 pages by the time I was done. I feel like I did a good job with it. But we’ll see.

I biked home. The nights are finally warming up. Summer is here for Florida. The trees have new, bright green leaves. The ground is warm. The air has energy in it. I love it. All of it. I feel it against my skin, moving through me, surrounding and embracing me and I feel like I’m thriving with it right now.

This is my season. My time.

The ride home was warm, fast, with very little wind resistance. As soon as I got inside I basically turned around and headed back out with Zane. We had a few things to pick up from the store which closed in an hour. We went back to school first for me to pick up my backpack and wallet, that way I could finish my homework later in the evening.

I should mention I have already finished the reading and took the quiz. Scored a 100. Go me.

Zane and I went to the store were we got the handful of things we needed. I’m going to be making home made coffee creamer, so I got the heavy cream for that. I thought we needed paper towels. After buying a pack and getting home I realized we still had two rolls in the pantry as I was putting the new ones away… At least we won’t run out for a while?

Zane also picked up the things he needed to make rice crispy treats for the pot luck his work is doing on Friday.

We watched an episode of Boondocks after we got home. He opted to sleep on the couch while I worked in the bedroom. I eventually fell asleep around 2 in the morning.

I vaguely remember waking up when Zane came into the room to get ready for work, but I don’t remember him leaving, which isn’t normal for me. If I’m awake I’m usually up, but I was still so tired this morning. And really I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this fact. I biked roughly 15 miles yesterday, ran for a half mile, and did a 10 minute HIIIT workout. I think I earned the right to sleep for more than 4 hours, but maybe that’s just me.

Today started around 10ish. It might have been closer to 11. I honestly don’t remember. The sun was up. It was bright. I was sore and groggy. I made breakfast and had my coffee before typing out the email to my instructor. I sent the file to Marie to proof read then went about the handful of minor chores I wanted to do.

One of the tasks on my list was “Put coins away”. Mind tricks, yo. I had a baggie of coins that I had brought in from the car sitting on my desk. I was still so tired and fighting the urge to go back to bed, which I knew wasn’t what I really wanted to do, so adding something that minor to my list helped me build momentum.

Me: Look at that sexy black line on my to-do list. Hell yeah. I’m a bawce.

Maybe it’s a little sad, but things like that can help jump start me. Not only did I do something, but I actually acknowledged the fact that I did something, no matter how minor. It makes it easier to keep going. To do bigger, better, more things.

So… I went from being tired and not really do much with my day to researching into jivamukti yoga, which led to my fantastic discovery of yoga socks. I took the trash out which is normally Zane’s job, but I was home not doing much. Might as well do it while I’m up, right?

I made a Google spreadsheet for all of the items Zane and I still want to get for the apartment. That was nice because we had a list written down in a notebook and I got to go through and starch off all of the items we’ve already gotten, or things Trevor left for us to use. I got to add color and structure to the spreadsheet and share it with Zane so we can both add items to it as we think of them. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, and I finally got around to it. Yay good feelz.

I’ve spent time everyday these past few days brushing Scarlet. She’s enjoying the quality time. I’m thinking about taking her to the vet on Friday because she’s still stumbling more than walking. I doubt there is anything the vet can do, but if I take her at least I will know that I did what I could.

Side note… my request to have Friday off was approved. Huzzah. So I can legit go to the vet if I decide to. I can also easily make it to the Women’s Initiative meeting that afternoon without having to be a hot, sweaty mess from biking.

I ended up packing Trevor’s few remaining wine glasses, which were left on the counter. I also cleaned up and packed up the rest of his stuff that was on the kitchen table. I had to make a small box of stuff for Zane to go through, but the kitchen is almost 100% the way I want it to be. I also cleaned up the tables in the living room, another small box for Zane’s and some of Hannah’s stuff, but that let me wipe the tables down.

Overall the apartment is so much better it’s insane. I’m back to enjoying being home. I don’t have anxiety about being there anymore. It’s not a gross, messy environment that I can do nothing about. If I don’t like something I can change it. I can make it better. I can clean it. It’s mine and I’m responsible for it. It’s a reflection of me finally.

It only takes one Clorox wipe to clean the counters. The stove isn’t spattered with foodstuffs from other people. And the few dishes that are in the sink when I get home are from Zane and Hannah eating dinner. Easily rinsed and put away. A small, easily accomplished task that helps me transition from work to home. Not the seemingly impossible task of cleaning up after another couple after they have made their dinner, leaving food to get caked onto the pots for me spend 30 minutes of my night cleaning.

Trevor still has some stuff to get out of the apartment. The weather turned bad Sunday so he wasn’t able to get all the furniture out, and now that it’s the week everyone is working and it’s hard to get things done at the end of the day.

Oh, totally mildly related tangent about time and the end of the day… at 8pm last night the sky still had the last bits of sunset in it. It wasn’t completely pitch black out. But to be honest when you’re in the middle of Orlando there’s so much light pollution that there’s not such think as pitch black. It was nice to see even faint sunlight as I left work, though.

Summer, summer everywhere. Even in the night time sky.

We’re hoping for Trevor’s stuff to be out by the end of this week. Uke is going to be moving his stuff in soon. I’m going to be getting a U-Hual this weekend to get my bookcases and totes out of storage. Nothing really needs to be unpacked. Most of my totes are actually empty and just stacked inside of themselves. My brother’s stuff is in there, but that’s not a big deal. I’m thinking about asking him if we can set up his computer and make a profile for Zane. That would give the computer somewhere to go, and give Zane a computer to use other than his laptop with a bad battery.

Once I was done with all the cleaning I rinsed down before keeping up with a new routine I’ve started.

Some backstory… I’ve used pure, unscented coconut oil as a deodorant for almost a year now, and I can say from experience that it works. Literally, just like baby oil, you can massage the coconut oil into your skin and it works amazing. I haven’t had an issue with any sort of body odor. I don’t have to worry about having to reapply throughout the day, and in fact I seem to sweat less from using it. If you’re a person worried about the affects of chemicals and possible cancer causing things, there’s the bonus of not having to worry about possible aluminum getting into your system from using a manufactured deodorant.

Additional benefits, coconut oil has antibacterial properties, so it can help keep pores clean and fight acne. It also helps skin heal… The list goes on and on for the benefits. These are just a few of the impacts that I’ve seen in myself from the year of using it under my arms.

Totally not pushing my thoughts on anyone. I prefer natural things, and this was a natural thing that I wanted to try. And so far it’s worked amazing for me, so it’s something that I’m going to continue to do.

Lately I’ve started doing a full body rub down with coconut oil, which is the new part. Legs, arms, torso, face. All of me.

Bruises that I’ve had since February, gone. Red marks from places I’ve picked at my skin, significantly reduced. Soreness from working out, rubbed away because I’m actually massaging the acid build up out of my muscles. I have an increased awareness of my body because I’m actually paying attention to it.

Me: That curve wasn’t there before. Those muscles weren’t as defined last month. My waist didn’t cut in that much before. When did that change happen?

My skin is softer. Smoother. Healthier looking.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to write. It’s still new. I’ve only done this three times so far, but it’s already seemed like such a positive thing that I can’t imagine not continuing it. It forces me to take a few minutes to be conscious of myself. To really see myself rather than the quick look in the mirror as I rush to get ready. It’s forcing me to manage my time with more intention. I have to set aside a bit more when I get ready so I can work the oil into my skin. That actually means that I’m less rushed because I give myself buffer time.

I don’t know. In general it makes me more aware. More present. I like it. I like being aware of the changes in myself both physically and spiritually, and while I know that there isn’t anything inherently spiritual about coconut oil, the process of making time for myself is. The intention behind it is to honor myself, and that feeds something inside of my spiritual self and I like the way that makes me feel, so I think I’m going to keep doing it.

Long tangent…

After doing that… I don’t know what to call it since, “rubbing down” just sounds crude, I actually broke out the yoga mat and did yoga in the dinning room / kitchen. The space for the kitchen and dinning room in our apartment is really just one giant room, and with how I have rearranged things there’s a large, open section in the middle now, right in front of the window.

It’s almost the perfect yoga area. It helps that the flooring is wood rather than carpet. I did a 25 minute hatha flow focusing on hips which helped release the tightness in my hamstrings and hip flexors. I wasn’t surprised the downward dogs started off rough for me. My arms were actually shaking in the beginning as my body protested to being used.

Body: What happened that nap you were thinking about? This totally isn’t a nap…

As my muscles warmed up, loosened up, I was able to hold the postures better, stronger, longer. I’m glad I took the time to do the flow. It might be another thing I add into my days. Shower, oil, yoga, bike to work.

The ride to work was super nice. Warm. Bright. I was already limber and ready for the ride so my legs didn’t have such a rough transition from going zero to hero.

I made it to work about an hour early which let me sit alone in the break room checking my work and personal email, eating my tuna and drinking my gatorade and water. I sent my message to my instructor after reading the feedback I got from Marie. The message is below. I think it came out well, and I think I can actually have this meeting without breaking down or being an emotional wreck.

Hello Mr. Instructor,

I am Jennifer Conley, [insert student number here], and currently a student in your Digital Publishing class online via the Faculty Scholarship Program.

I firstly would like to take a moment to apologize. It was never my intention to plagiarize. As a fellow professional I understand the consequences of such actions. My motive for using the Publix brand was to create a new product within an already established theme. After reading the rubric I felt I would lose the points for creativity since the logo was not original. The product for peppermint extract itself does not exist, however, and because of this I felt the design would be original enough to fulfill the assignment.

I do not wish to escalate the situation further and would like to continue participating in your class. I understand and empathize for the position I put you in, and I accept the grade I was given.

I am saddened, and concerned, this assignment may have damaged your opinion of me as a student, co-worker, and fellow professional, and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to meet with you in person to discuss the matter. I am available to meet before 5pm any day until the end of the March term. Please let me know if there is a time which works best for you.

Again, I apologize for creating this situation.

Sincerely,

[insert work signature with bunch of information about the classes I teach]

I haven’t gotten a reply yet, but I’m hopeful that things will go well.

I signed up for some classes being offered during the spring break training and made events for them on my Google calendar. I actually did a bit of that yesterday, too, but that was after I wrote my blog I’m pretty sure.

So yeah. Spring break is in two weeks. Students actually get time off, but faculty doesn’t. Instead we have a bunch of mandatory stuff we have to do, but there’s also a handful instructor run training events I want to go to. One of them is about cycling, for fun and for work. Not sure why I would be interested in that at all… Who would want to bike to work?

There’s another event about E3 (essentials employment experience), which is a behavioral profiling tool. I’ve taken the test twice already. Once for fun. Well… not really “fun”, but my definition for fun is different than most people, so I classify it as fun even though it would most likely fit better into a “initial research and testing” category.

Basically I was a guinea pig, and to me it was fun.

When I was signing my paper work at the start of my second degree the E3 test somehow came up in conversation and I was offered to take the test, which was something new the Factually Development department was trying out. I think we were talking about the MBTI and that lead to E3 since both those tests are related.

I had to recently take the test again as part of the application process for the Woman’s Initiative. I haven’t compared my scores, but I’m pretty sure I have the same profile. Points in different areas may be higher or lower, but I don’t think my over all profile changed. Now I’m interested and will add that to my to-do list for this week.

I find things like the MBTI and E3 and behavioral science super fascinating stuff, so I thought the course being offered during the spring break training would be interesting to take. I’m looking forward to both the cycling and E3 classes. The mandatory training… not so much… but maybe that’s because I’m still disenchanted with the changes being made to the curriculum and the mandatory training is focused on those changes.

Maybe it will have the desired affect and re-motivate me, removing my resistance to the changes being made. Maybe this training will alleviate the feeling that these changes are awful and destroying the program that I was once a student in. A program I used to be a proud graduate of. A program that I am currently an instructor in, but an instructor who no longer feels like this is a worthy cause. An instructor who feels like she’s on a sinking ship that is determined to crash and burn… so maybe it’s a plane instead of a ship… either way, it’s hard to feel like what I do is worth it sometimes. And all of the recent changes in my opinion haven’t been well received by students, and haven’t improved the quality of the program. If anything I feel the quality has been lowered, but that is just my narrow exposure to the changes so far. All of these changes are still new and being tweaked per course.

I’m sure the school, the program, will find its rhythm again, but right now we as faculty, as a program, as a school, are stumbling. The students know it. We know it. Everyone knows that this roll out has sucked. Massive, hardcore, suckage.

On top of that we’re still understaffed, overworked, and unsupported.

But… Even with all of that being said, even with my anger and disappointment in my school at the moment… we now have a full sized fridge in the break room. So maybe all I need to do is keep fighting, pushing, demanding that my co-workers and myself be treated right. Maybe I need to just not give up in order for things to get better. Maybe I shouldn’t just “take it”. Maybe I shouldn’t just go with it and focus on my escape plan.

Yes this is technically a company, but that doesn’t mean we, my co-workers and myself, are cogs that can be used until worn out and then replaced. It doesn’t mean we’re robots. We’re people, and I think certain aspects of the school has forgotten that. I think some of my own co-workers have forgotten that they are more than their job and the BS that goes on here. We need things otherwise we burnout and things feel pointless and we become unhappy. Maybe my last crusade here can be to make the environment healthy again rather than letting the school crush what once was such a wonderful and motivating thing.

I used to love being here, and I think I lost sight of that for a while.There’s no reason I can’t still enjoy it. I just have to find that passion again. And maybe this mandatory training will help with it. Maybe once the change over actually reaches my class I will see the full benefits. I’ll see the positives rather than only the negatives.

It’s still a “wait and see” type of thing. But at the moment I am hopeful. Maybe part of it is being ok with myself again and not being consumed by the depression I was feeling from the chaos of the apartment. I think it helps that Zane and I haven’t had a fight in a while. And the fights we have had have been resolved, leaving us in a better, more solid position than we were before.

All in all, I’m feeling good. I’m moving forward. I have issues that I have plans of action for. It’s summer and warm and that’s feeding into these feelings of energy and movement.

I’ll end this for now so I can get to work on my homework. Good day so far with good energy. I’m hoping to keep it going for a while. It would be nice to have a few good days in a row. Maybe even a few good weeks.

Daily Post 100: I Got a New Cat

I went running on Saturday. The first time in a really long time. At least long to me. What was it… like… two months? The last time was before my race, so at least a month if not a month and a half. I ran an 18:30 mile. For not having run at all for so long I think I did amazing. I maintained my time, and I didn’t have any pain. Well… a bit of soreness, but not the shin splints or tendon tightness that normally makes my runs unfun.

I felt strong through the whole thing. I felt like I had good form. My breathing was fine. And at the end I felt like I could keep going. My pace for two of my intervals was at a 6, and there were a few times that I went over my 1 minute interval time, pushing into two minutes because fuck you Universe. Not that there’s any real reason to aside from still feeling like a badass about my run.

I’ve been worried about running again. The longer I put it off the more I was worried. The more I thought that it was going to be a bad run. I was worried it would be like when I started biking again last week. I felt like I would do poorly and that would make me feel bad and be a demotivator, but by not doing it I was being a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only way to get better is to do it. So I did it.

I woke up Saturday and just sort of knew it was going to happen. I’m not sure if anyone else ever gets those feelings. Out of nowhere there’s just this sudden urge to do something you’ve been avoiding. You’re ready for the fight. You know you’re going to win. You’re going to be an epic badass and nothing is going to stand in your way of whatever it is you’re about to crush.

Most of the time it’s something silly like grading the assignments for work, or doing the dishes, or organizing something. It just so happened to be my run, and I’m glad for it. It wasn’t my best time. It most likely wasn’t my best run as far as strength goes either. I honestly don’t care. I did it. Step one, the hardest part, done. I’ve started again. I’ve faced that fear and now it’s no longer there, holding me back, weighing me down. It’s a good feeling.

Of course since I didn’t stretch or do yoga afterwards my legs are hating on me today, but I’m ok with that. It’s a nice reminder.

Let’s see… what else happened…

Back tracking a bit to Friday, I had an email from Clavan about grading the projects before Monday. I used the time I was in the Shading and Lighting lab to get through all of the ones I had, aside from the three projects which had requested an extension. I’m going to have to finish those off today. But yeah, got all of that taken care of before beginning work on my project assignment for the week.

I got the logo created, along with a lot of the base elements. I got all of the text typed out as well as picking out the color swatches I would be using. All in all I was extremely pleased with everything I got taken care of during the evening.

Last week was also the first week where I biked, every day, to and from work. I almost got Zane to pick me up Friday night, which that is a bit of a story.

So, I wrote about how last much was a giant mess with the Shading and Lighting class. How the class was too big for the room we were assigned and how there was the Hall of Fame event in the middle of the month which interrupted normal class schedule. When classes started meeting again, the room we were in was even more messed up. Desks were missing, and some of them weren’t set up properly so there was no way for students to plug their laptops in if their battery started dying.

Yeah… Hawt mess.

I guess the students wrote a formal complaint about the situation. In the complaint they said Frank was a jerk who never answered their questions, saying to “Read the directions on the online platform” instead, and that all I did was knit.

I’m still sort of angry about it. I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t the whole class who wrote the complaint. I’m almost positive I know the guy who’s organizing everything because he’s the only person who seemed to have an issue with me at all. I also know for a fact that even though I might not know as much as Frank, and even though I might have to ask him for help more often than I should, I did answer a fair amount of questions last month, and the people I did help were extremely grateful for my in-depth explanation of the material, saying it helped to clear up their understanding.

Let’s also touch on the fact that my helping in the Shading and Lighting lab was supposed to be temporary, lasting only until they hired a qualified lab specialist to help out Frank. I’ve never been given time to go over the material myself, or to shadow the class, so all of the information I do have is from my own time. All of the pdfs and changes I have made to the class I have done out of my own motivation. This isn’t my class. I never wanted it to be my class. I’ve actually tried twice to move into other areas that would use my design degree, areas where I am more qualified and interested in working. And both times I have been shot down.

I’m not going to be sorry that I’m not a Shading and Lighting person.

I’m also not going to be sorry that I stitch while I’m in lab. What else am I supposed to do? Sit for 4 to 8 hours doing literally nothing? I can’t work on code or a rig. It would be like being given a research assignment and told to go read all of these complex articles and research all of this supporting facts that you have to go in and cite only to be interrupted every 5 to 15 minutes to explain to someone how to boil eggs.

I know some people are ok with that. I’m not one of those people. I’m one of those people that by the third time I’m interrupted I’m so close to ripping your face off that you can clearly see that I’m in bitch mode and not in the mood for your question and if it’s not a really, really good question you’re going to feel like shit for coming up because you most likely could have figured it out yourself you just didn’t try and that’s the exact tone in which I’ll answer your demeaningly basic question with.

Yeah… I’m not a very fun person to be around when I’m working. Or rather, I’m not a fun person to piss off when I’m working.

So, in the interest of others and my own mental stability, I don’t work on tasks that require a lot of higher level thinking because my brain can’t jump train tracks like that. Instead I stitch which is very low level thinking for me. I can put it down quickly and easily, answer whatever question, nicely, that a person has because I’m not trying to solve my own problems, and then go back to what I was doing because it’s easy to see where I was. I don’t have to navigate back through 2000+ lines of code, trying to remember where I was at in my trouble shooting or what I was doing, only to have to stop just as I find my spot again to answer something completely non-related.

Cross stitching still something artistic and creative. It’s a passion for me that helps me feel fulfilled, and I still do my job while I do it. I don’t understand why there is an issue at all. If I had been sketching, or working on a digital painting I’m sure it wouldn’t have been an issue. But this one guy felt like he had it in for me, and I am willing to put money on it that he organized the whole thing.

Mr. “I’m going to talk through all of Frank’s demo about a different class and how much that work load is killing me then come up afterwards and say that I don’t know how to do any of this stuff and how it’s not sinking in and how I need someone to sit with me one and one to help me understand it better”.

Fuck you, dude. That’s not how this works. You want to talk and show that our time doesn’t matter to you, fine. There are 68 other students who have questions and notes and who actually are trying to learn while you dick around. I’m going to help them and you can watch the podcasts that are there for support. If the material is covered too quickly then go through those at your own pace and come up with an actual question. Something educated and constructive like, “I’ve assigned the material and attached the bump map but for some reason it’s not lining up with my texture anymore.”

Not, “I don’t get any of this. Go over all of the material in lecture again.”

No. Not until you showed me that you tried to help yourself. Not until you show me that you did something, anything. That you retained at least one term, one word, out of all of the time you were in lecture or during the demo.

Rawr.

Yeah. I was not a fan of this guy. He submitted his final assessment assignment two hours early saying that he didn’t remember how to do anything and then left. This assessment is literally open notes, open book, open internet, open Madam Cleo… Open anything aside from talking to your fellow classmate. He could have Googled any issue that he had, and instead he gave up saying that he was pretty sure he could still pass the class if he bombed the assessment and left.

And he’s going to write a complaint that I was a bad lab specialist, in a lab I’m not specialized in? Can we take a second for accountability? Can we take a step back and not look at this as student / teacher where since I am the person in “power” it is automatically my fault if they do poorly? Can we look at this as two adults where we’re each responsible for our own part and if the other person doesn’t hold up their end, then it’s their fault? Can we at a minimum hold people responsible for their own actions and examine all of the facts before we jump to, “You don’t do your job well enough?

So that was the beginning of work on Friday. Finding out that I might have a meeting to discuss this issue since Frank had been called into a meeting about it. I’m not sure if I will be. I don’t have an email about it yet, but if they do call me in, oh man, am I prepared for battle. I’ll go all Samuel L. Jackson on some people.

Right Brain: Say I don’t do my job again. I dare you.

Because of that information I really just wanted to go home. But as the night wore on I became more ok with the thought of my bike ride, especially since it was my last ride of the week. I didn’t want to let life win. I was going to bike, damnit! And I did, and it was a pretty awesome ride.

Hannah, Zane and I went to the sports bar after I got home and had dinner together. It was a karaoke night so we actually thought about picking up Taco Bell and not staying, but I’m glad we did. There were some awful songs, but there were some really good ones, and I think overall we had a good time. We have tentative plans to do karaoke this coming Friday together. I’m terrified, but at the same time I think it could be fun. I’ve never done it before so it will be something I can scratch off my bucket list, not that I think it was ever there.

Saturday was a busy day. I did the gym thing. I washed and vacuumed the car. I picked up my backpack from school since I had left it there to bike home. I picked up coals for the hookah. I got a new cat…

That escalated quickly…

Trevor’s mom has / had a cat she was going to get rid of. Zane told me about it and asked if I wanted to adopt her into the family. I said I would have to meet her first. I don’t want a new cat. I want to make sure Scarlet is happy in her old age. I want her to be comfortable and for her to know she is loved. Adding a new cat into the mix would make things rough.

The cat was brought over, which means she’s still here.

There wasn’t another place for her to go other than a shelter, and at 9 years old, she wasn’t going to get adopted. So really it came down to keep her or send her to her death. I can’t do that. So Hailey is now part of the household.

She’s pretty. I’ll post pictures in a bit. She’s adjusting. She’s taken to me, like I figured she would. It was what I didn’t want to have happen, but it’s only been two days. She misses her home. She hisses at everything even as she mews sadly to be petted. She sits in my lap every once in a while. She’s going in and out of the room more and she’s been eating and drinking. I think she will adjust. I think everyone will.

I went to sleep sort of early, woke up, poked around on the computer for a bit, then went back to sleep.

Sunday was another super busy day. I went to the storage unit to get my kitchen stuff and my vacuum. Zane and I did the grocery shopping. We went to Moe’s for lunch and had a really enjoyable day together. I worked on my homework after we got home and then played in his Pathfinder game with everyone that evening.

There was a really awesome part in the game where we found a cabin in the swamp we’re tracking through. Uke’s character walked up to the door and said he was going to kick it open. Zane said that action wouldn’t work because the doors opened outward. Uke kept pushing it though and finally Zane said fine, to go ahead and roll to see what happened.

Uke rolled a natural 20. XD

So basically, his character walked up to these old, rotting double doors and kicked them in so hard that the wood shattered into splinters, the doors blasting off of the hinges due to Uke’s epic awesomeness. Zane could only sit there and shake his head. Totally worth it. There’s also a running theme with making fun of Trevor’s character’s mom. That was great.

I’m still the creepy little girl who is actually just a floating book with a glamour around myself, dragging a dead bunny around with me, and now a zombie arm so I can run around poking things with the dead hand, or wave at people with it.

Give me a break. I’m the book of the dead. Dead things are sort of my thing…

It’s the first time in over a month that I’ve been part of the game, so that was fun. It was really nice that I got so much done with my project before the game. I didn’t feel guilty about participating in it. I actually had a glass of sake so by the time the game was done I was super ready for bed.

I cleaned up the kitchen and then crashed. I told Zane if I happened to wake up I would go out and do the laundry. I woke up at 5 but was still pretty groggy and didn’t think that would be enough time to get there, get everything done, and get back before Zane needed the car for work.

I have a game plan in motion for laundry though. Along with all of the cooking that needs to happen for today. I’m looking forward to my morning. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be low key, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to get most everything I want done before biking into work.

Daily Post 099: Bright Eyed, Bushy Tailed

It’s 6am and I’ve already cooked and eaten breakfast. Currently working on my cup of coffee with another glass to my left… It’s staring at me… I should be drinking it instead of my coffee so I stay on top of my water intake, but… coffee… and caffeine… and all of the things that are bad for me but so good at the same time…

Yeah… my water will continue to sit there and guilt trip me for a while until I finally break down and finish it off.

Anywho. I would say that I’m up bright and early but I’ve been awake since 3am and there’s nothing bright about three am.

I’m not even frustrated or annoyed that I woke up when I did. I went to sleep around 11, exhausted, slept super, crazy deep, and woke up rested and wide awake even though I didn’t want to be up initially.

When I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep I got up and finished working on my homework. I would have done more with it, but the Internet is acting screwy. Most of the pages I try to go to won’t load. My email and Facefail being just two of the many sites that give me a load error. Google won’t work, but Bing will. It’s annoying. I would have liked to finish creating my PDF, but whatever. I found other things to keep myself entertained with, like writing. : D

Yesterday ended up being a good day. I got to talk to RB for a little bit. That was emotionally charged for me, but in a good way. Healing I think. It felt nice to feel understood and less like I’m an insane, hormonal female who’s super finicky and demanding with high expectations for all life forms on Earth, including piles of rocks… which I am… but feeling human is nice sometimes and that’s what I felt like during our conversation.

I fixed the bike seat finally. This bike issue was totally self-inflicted. Seems like forever ago now… Back before December was it? I can’t honestly recall when, but I know at some point I tried switching the bike seats between Zane’s bike and the one I got from Frank. Didn’t really care for the wider seat, so I switched back to Zane’s, which is narrower.

When I put the seat back on it was tilted up slightly. No biggie. It’s not that bad. Only… after months of riding like that… yeah… it’s that bad. I’ve just been a slacker about fixing it, putting it off because, “I’ll do it before I go into work,” only to realize what time it is and rush through my shower to dash off in order to be on time. Other days I’m just not in the mood to do anything so it goes undone. I guess on the positive side… I’ve never complained about it because I know it was my fault and I wasn’t doing anything about it even though I could have easily fixed it, like I did yesterday.

I took the bike down the stairs with my Allen wrenches, took everything apart, rearranged it the way it should have been, even raised the seat a bit since I’ve been getting less extension in my legs recently, rode it around, and labeled my amazing mechanical feat a success.

The ride to work was so much nicer. The weather has been amazing recently, and een though it’s been a little windy, it’s been nice and warm. Super sunny. It’s still cool at night. Cool enough to need my sweater, but it’s not the freezing, hard to breath because I’m inhaling ice, type of cold. Just a little on the nippy side.

We’ve had the windows open at the apartment all week, airing out the rooms and enjoying the fresh breezes as they blow in.

The new room has a window facing East, so in the morning I wake up to warm sunlight lighting the room. Scarlet has a new spot under the computer desk where the light hits. She naps there, basking, for most of the day. It feels a lot like when I lived at home with my mom. The room is much bigger than the one I had, but the feelings are the same for some reason. I wake up in the morning on my own because my schedule is so late that I don’t need an alarm. In a way that makes everyday have a weekend vibe to it.

The mornings are slow, lazy, unrushed. I wake up and stay in bed watching Scarlet sleep, thinking about how I feel, what I want to do, what I need to do. Lately I’ve been waking up and having to fight off my evil voice and the sadness that goes along with it. I meditate on that for a while, slowly trying to unravel the tangled mess of a knot, but eventually I get up. I don’t stay in bed, moping, and I don’t let the negativity eat away at me. I’ve still been pretty productive this whole week. And I’m super happy that this is the first week in almost two months that I’ve actually biked the whole week to work, there and back. I’m going to hit close to 50 miles again and that makes me happy and proud of myself.

One of the reasons I didn’t write for so long was because I was sucking hard core with the bike. My legs were so sore by the end of my rides and I was on such a low gear. Most of that I think was due to being so sick, added to all of the days that I got rides to and from work. My endurance took a huge hit and I was struggling to get back to where I had been before my race.

It sucked feeling like I was doing poorly. It was hard to keep everything in perspective. Any workout is better than no workout, and all I can do is my best, and that fluctuates from day to day. I’m not always going to break my records. Sometimes I’m going to be tired or sore or just not feeling it. It was so much easier to focus on the fact that I was slower, I was breathing harder than I “should have been”, and that I didn’t want to ride because I “wasn’t doing good enough”.

That was how Monday started. And each day I rode, and each day I’ve gotten better. Last night I finally made it back to my top gear. I didn’t stay on it the whole time, but just making it there made me swell with pride. I didn’t give up, mostly because I didn’t have much of a choice if I still wanted my paycheck, but because I didn’t quit, because I pushed through it, I got better. And here was my proof that I had gotten better. Something that seemed so impossible only four days ago was totally happening, even if it was making my quads burn more than it used to. That’s fine. Let them burn. I’ll have quads of steel before the summer’s up.

I don’t really have much else to say. I came home. Zane and I talked for a bit. Things are still awkward between us, but we were able to sit in the living room together. He slept in the room, I took the couch. Hannah’s couch is actually pretty awesome. Much better than John’s. Zane is going to be heading to work shortly, so I’ll be able to take the bed if I want. Not really sure I will at the moment. I’m awake still so I’ll most likely keep picking away at my to-do list until I feel the urge to nap.

Saturday I hope to get a bunch of chores done. I already have a to-do list roughed out for the weekend. Nothing is set in stone, but I have an idea of what should happen when. I’ve even gone through and meal planned what I want for the coming week.

I recently tried a new recipe that turned out pretty awesome. Chicken Parmesan Soup. It wasn’t all that soupy for me, but I’m sure if more broth was added it would be wetter. I liked it was only 4 cups though, mostly because I like creamy verses soupy.

At some point this month I need to do my taxes. I haven’t done a complete brain dump in a while, going through all the areas of my life and writing out what needs / should / aught to happen or get done, but I’ve got a mini dump for this month. Maybe I’ll go through and do my 30-day challenge thing again. Not this week, but maybe soon, just to make sure I’m on the right track.

I’m on course to get everything on my “this week” list done, which is a nice feeling. I hope I can keep with it. So far I’ve been acing my daily to-do lists. And the tasks for the rest of the month don’t seem all that intimidating when I have it broken down into sections the way I do. Small bite sized pieces.

I think today will be an alright day. A long one maybe if I’m not able to get back to sleep, but a good one. Finishing off the homework will make me feel good, productive. It will also, hopefully, allow me to work on the project assignment during the Shading and Lighting lab today. The more I can get done with that, the easier Saturday and Sunday will be.

Daily Post 098: So… It’s Been a While…

I don’t know if I want to write. But I haven’t in a while so I sort of feel obligated to. There’s also this confusing mess where most of the posts I’ve seen recently talk about viewers and followers and building your blog and blah blah blah, and that’s not what mine is about. But since that’s all I’ve been reading it makes me feel like I’m doing things “wrong”, and so there’s the added pressure of thinking “no one wants to read about my boring, self-inflicted life bs”. But that’s what my blog is for. It’s for me to write, and whine, and cry, and laugh, and ramble, and do whatever the F I want because it’s my blog, for me, my mental health. It’s not for followers and now I feel like I’m going on a tangent and mildly ranting when really I’m not mad at anyone.

/sigh

Hannah is moved in. John is moved out. Trevor and Danielle have been packing. There is so much more space in the apartment now. It’s so much cleaner, and that aspect of it will only get better in the coming weeks.

Hannah is super extroverted, so any time I so much as move I’m guaranteed a conversation. I am worried this is going to wear on me and that I will become resentful and feel trapped any time I’m at home. It doesn’t help that she has a light work / school load so the past days she’s been home the same times I have been. I get very little “alone” time, though right now seems to be ok. She’s in the living room and I’m in my room, typing on my desktop that I have set up.

I was able to clear up a crap ton of space on my solid state drive. 68 gigs actually. I reinstalled MS Office though I need to look at buying a license for that. It’s on the to-do list for next pay check actually. Already written down so it’s official.

The room Zane and I moved into, John’s old room, is pretty much set up the way I want it. I need to hang the cards from my mom, but that’s the last thing for the room. The rest of it is buying things for the bathroom, or curtains. Little things that would make it better, but aren’t really needed.

I’m super tight on money right now. I had to pay an extra 100 for the electricity deposit since we need to change the account over to our names rather than Trevor’s. I have to pay the storage unit for an extra month since we agreed keeping everything where it’s at will make moving easier in the long run. I was super irresponsible and spent about 50 at Home Depot so I could organize the closet better, along with going out to eat a handful of times with Zane. I’ll survive though. I’ve been in much worse situations. I also paid 500 on the credit card. Which is a whole story…

I guess my card was “compromised” so Bank of America wanted to be nice and responsible. They canceled my card to make sure fraudulent activity wouldn’t occur and issued me a new one, which should have arrived in seven to ten business days. No biggie. I didn’t need the card right away. I could make it until the card got here.

Guess what never showed up and almost screwed me over? Yeah. My new credit card. I called on Monday asking if it had been sent out. Was told that it had. Responded with, well I don’t have it and I need it to make a payment and to buy groceries. Could my old card be reactivated so I could use it? No it couldn’t. Was there any way I could get money moved over into my debit account so I could do the things I needed to do? No. There wasn’t. They could issue me a new card which would arrive in seven to ten business days.

Fuck you, Bank of America. I’m so sick of you guys fucking up my financial life. I’m lucky that I’m resourceful and that I have people who are understanding in my life otherwise I would have been screwed. I got the card so I could have it to use when I needed it, not for you to take it away and make my life harder.

Just another reason I want so desperately to pay off the fucking credit card so I can move to a different bank. Nothing but stress and shit service.

Anyway. Last night was actually pretty cool, which sort of twists around another story, so I guess I’ll just start with work since that’s really where it begins and why last night happened in the first place.

I’m working 5pm to 1am this month. I thought it was for both classes, which would have been fine; at least it’s a consistent schedule. Character Rigging ended up only being one lab though, so part of my days are only 5pm to 9pm. Yay for admin hours which get to be used for homework time.

I don’t have to set my alarm to wake up. I get most of the morning to myself, though now that Hannah is here I’m questioning how true that comment is. Overall it’s been alright even if it is sort of crazy hours.

Down side. I can’t use the car. At all. I don’t have time to pick Zane up from work and get to the school on time for labs. He doesn’t get home early enough for me to wait for the car. That means I can’t do any errands during the week because he has the car the whole day. Any “doing” that I need to do has wait until I get home from work.

Because of that I did laundry at 1 in the morning last night, along with shopping at Walmart because we needed a new water filter and cat litter. And part of me is resentful that I had to go out to the store because what was Zane doing for the eight hours I was at work that he couldn’t go pick it up?

Rational side of things. It’s my week to do groceries and I was going out to do laundry anyway so what does it matter? At least it kept me from sitting and being bored for a few hours. If it was such a big deal I could have asked him to do it. It would have been awesome if he was considerate or “adult” enough to realize it needed to be done and to have taken the initiative on his own to do it rather than having me ask like a parent.

“Now, honey. Please clean your room. You know how icky it gets when you leave it messy.”

If I wanted a kid I would get pregnant. Or try, since I’m polycystic and most likely can’t. Blrag. Premise still stands. I don’t want to micro manage someone since I have a hard enough time keeping up with my own shit. A companion should make life easier not harder.

And that’s another hawt mess, which I haven’t forgotten about the store story, but tangents…

Since I’m back to biking everywhere and upping how often I go to the gym since I’m not deathly ill, it’s warming up, and in general I’m feeling better in a few areas of my life, my sex drive is back up, and guess what’s not getting fulfilled. Yeah. The sex part. Not really much else to say about that other than I’m still frustrated and because of how my schedule and Zane’s schedule line up I only see him as he’s leaving for work in the morning or going to sleep at night. Like not even twenty minutes of face time. So the whole lack of sex thing most likely won’t get fixed anytime in the near future, not that it would have gotten fixed anyway because he’s allergic to sex. Not really, but I’m being self-deprecating at the moment and it’s making some sick, twisted part of my brain happy to be mean and think shit like that.

I’m improving myself. Apparently that means I don’t deserve sex anymore. This is the complete opposite result of what I was expecting.

There are other things going on. I don’t think I’m cool with the marriage idea anymore. Would it be nice to have Zane travel with me? Sort of. I don’t think it’s worth the stress or fighting. I think what I truly want is to live alone again. I think what I really crave is my own space. I’m tired of coming home like I have the past three nights and the 10 minutes of time I get to see him before he goes to bed is some confrontational spat where “I’m upset with him so he’s going to leave me alone.”

I’m not upset. I’m not mad. I just got done biking 3.5 miles and I feel like crap because I know you won’t hug me because you think sweat is gross, which means I’m gross. I’m unworthy. That’s what’s going through my brain. And I’ve told you that. All I want is to feel like everything I do means something, earns me something. But it doesn’t. It feels like a vast pit of pointless nothingness. I’m sweaty and gross so you can have the car to get to and from work. It’s my car. I’m the one paying 300 a month for something I don’t even get to use except for joy rides on the weekends, maybe. It depends on if I have work, or if you want to do something, or if it’s raining and the weather is shitty, or if there are other import life things going on like moving people in / out.

Can’t I at least get a hug and a kiss and a “how was your day?” to make it seem like you actually care about my life rather than absently talking about work while you play on your phone and show that I’m not worth your attention.

Maybe I’m way more angsty over all of this than I realized. I’m still hurt. I still ache in my chest because for almost four days now I haven’t had a hug. I’ve slept on the couch because it doesn’t feel right to crawl into bed next to Zane when he’s asleep and things feel not ok between us.

I’ve gone to the apartment office and done all of the tasks he’s asked me to do since he can’t make it there to do the things himself. I’ve cooked all of the meals this week. I did the laundry. I’ve taken care of my homework and stayed on top of my new class, Digital Publishing this month, fun stuff.

I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of hurting and feeling like it’s never enough to get the things that I want out of a relationship. So yeah, I’ll most likely be going into the military alone, to be alone. To move forward with what I want. And maybe this is all just angry, hurt writing and things will get better and I just need to talk to him and not enough time has passed for changes to occur, but I don’t think that’s what it is.

I think this is a pattern that has been there since I moved in. Maybe before I moved in. While parts of the apartment and living situation are better, there are some things that haven’t changed. The reality I had built up and envisioned inside of my head isn’t the reality I live in, and that disconnect, that difference, is where my pain stems from. I know it’s because of me. I know in a way it’s not fair.

Right now, typing on my blank pages, writing my feelings, my thoughts, I don’t care that it’s not fair. I don’t care about letting go and not wanting and being enlightened and taking the higher path. Right now I want to be angry and hurt because until I acknowledge that I feel that way it’s just going to fester and continue to poison me. I feel like I’ve started slipping back into old habits where I put another person before my own happiness and that’s why I feel the way I do.

I shouldn’t need Zane to make me happy. I shouldn’t expect him to do things because he cares about me, and then get upset when it doesn’t happen. I’m happier when I take care of things myself because I feel independent, resourceful, and competent. I don’t owe anyone anything when I do it myself. I’m not let down by myself when I take the initiative rather than waiting or asking. I’m an adult. I can do things myself. Including fixing my life, and just because I fix it doesn’t mean other people have the right to ride along for free. Which that’s pretty harsh, even in my head. But that’s what it feels like.

I’m still owed two thousand dollars for all of the expenses I covered with Zane was unemployed. I’m still paying crazy interest on the credit card while he saves money to go to California to visit Nik who he’ll most likely have sex with because that’s the type of relationship they have. I’m not a priority. I knew that from the beginning. I don’t know why it’s taken almost a year for it to finally sink in. I don’t even know if it really has. Maybe it’s starting to and that’s what all of this is. Maybe I needed to be pushed to a certain point where the INFJ “zero fucks given” shadow traits come out and I just stop caring and move forward with or without the other person.

I’m going in a “this way” direction, and I’m not going to compromise on it. I’m not going to let depression eat away and steal another summer from me. I’m not going to make plans around another person. I’m going to do what I need to do to get to where I want to be because it’s my life and I’m tired of living it for other people.

So back to the story of the shopping trip last night… There are moments where I am shown that the world is still an ok place and that good people, kind people, compassionate people, still exist and that my black and jaded view of the world isn’t the proper view. It’s a focused view, one singling out the negative, blinding me to the positive things around me.

After putting the clothes into the wash I went to Walmart for the water filter and the cat litter. As I walked to the aisle with the filters I noticed that several of them were roped off with ‘caution’ tape. I kept walking to see what was going on. Maybe I would be able to still get to the filter I needed. No luck though. They were waxing the floor. Lame… maybe if I go get the litter first and then come back they’ll be done and I can get the filter.

So that’s what I did. Picked up a box of cat litter and walked back, but no luck. The aisle I needed was still roped off. I looked around, saw an older woman stocking some shelves and walked up to her asking, “Is it possible to get a water filter? The aisle I need to get to is roped off.”

She wasn’t all that helpful, saying nope, no one can go down there, especially if the floor is wet. I was bummed and started to walk away when she said to follow her. So I did. We walked down to the aisle, and, of course, saw the floors were wet.

“Nope. Can’t do down there,” was her frank, pretty callous and uncaring reply.

There was a man with a mop on a different aisle. He saw us and asked if everything was ok.

“I was hoping to get a water filter.” I said.

“Which one?” he asked as he waked to the shelves where they were lined up.

“A Zero Water filter. The black box. One shelf up.” I said as his hands moved over the boxes looking for the one I could clearly see, so close, yet so far away and out of my reach.

He found the box, picked it up, and walked over to me, passing it into my own hands which held the box as if it were the most precious thing I had ever been given.

“Oh my gosh. Thank you so incredibly much. You have no idea. You just made my entire night.” I said with the biggest smile. He seemed so shocked at my gratitude, a genuine smile spreading across his own face. The woman scoffed at my reaction, saying something more about how no one was supposed to walk on the floor and how it was better him than her as she walked away, back to be a grouch as she stalked her shelves.

That one action, as simple and mundane and totally none lifesaving as it was, seriously was the kindest thing anyone could have done for me. He didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to stop his work to make my life easier. He could have been uncaring, unfeeling like the woman. Instead he took a moment out of his life to do something for me, and even thinking about it makes me want to cry a little in a weird “I’m not sad I’m just feeling super intense feelings right now” sort of way that most people don’t understand because only about 1% of the total population thinks the way I do.

I didn’t have to worry about waking up early before Zane left for work to run back to the store for the filter. I didn’t have to wait until the following night to try to go back out again. I was able to scratch something off of my to-do list because one person was kind to me.

All of the warm feels.

Along the same lines… I got a card in the mail from one of my blogging buddies. I love you so much Mama Spike! Thank you for my card! I sent you an email but I’m not sure if that is a primary email address for you or not, so I’m not sure if you received it. I wanted you to know that your card came through fine and that it totally made my morning when I read it. Again, thank you so incredibly much. You’re amazing!

I feel a bit better for writing. I guess it was one of those things that needed to happen even though I didn’t want to do it in the beginning. Lots of other things have happened. Different events that I’m sure were important at the time but I don’t feel like writing about them now, or remembering them in clearer detail. I feel written out and I’m pretty sure I covered the important stuff. I covered my feelings and the events that have been affecting me the most.

I’m pretty content with that at the moment.

Daily Post 097: Movie Night

Yesterday was pretty awesome. As expected the dishes were my greatest accomplishment. Every time I got around to thinking about going to the gym it started raining again. Not the light drizzle of, “oh no, my hair is going to get frizzy” type of rain. More like, “Yep, I live in Florida and oh look. It’s the daily monsoon,” sort of rain.

Not that invested in swimming out to my car to go workout around people I really don’t want to see. Sorry humanity, not sorry.

Zane slept most of the day, which left me to my own devices. No complaints. The alone time was amazing. I played Hoard for a little while, then wrote. I chatted with mom for about an hour. She’s found a condo that she applied for and got, so she’s in the process of unpacking. She’s having some issues with the car so that was in the shop during our call. Lio was going to take her to pick it up later in the day. She’s settling into her new job. She’s working at a retirement home instead of the hospital. She says it’s way different, but she likes it, and with working roughly 48 hours in two weeks she’s pulling in enough money to not have to work more. She’s super ok with that. She also mentioned that it’s a three bedroom condo and that if I wanted to move out to Vegas or something there may or may not be a room for me.

Subtle hint, mom. >.>

I woke Zane up around 4 in the afternoon. He played Uncharted 2 for a bit since he’s already beaten Uncharted. The games came free with the PS4 when we got it, he’s been focusing on other games though. Like Fallout 4. While he did that I poked around on IMDB. I actually made a profile and started adding movies to my “Watch List”. There’s a lot of movies I haven’t seen…

We ended up ordering pizza and watching Into the Woods. It was alright. The only song I really didn’t like was the one with the princes, but I figured I wouldn’t like it as soon as it started. It wasn’t my favorite musical, and it wasn’t my favorite story, but it wasn’t bad. If you’re into that particular type of movie I would recommend it just to be able to say that you’ve seen it and to have it in your arsenal for later comparisons. But the movie alone wasn’t anything super amazing or awesome. It also felt extremely long towards the end.

I went to sleep not long after the movie while Zane stayed up for a bit. Because he slept literally all day he had a hard time sleeping last night. He’s currently at work right now and has already messaged saying that he’s groggy and that it’s shaping up to be a busy day.

I hope it goes smoothly for him. I’m worried that it’s going to be rough because of the break he took. He had just gotten done with 401k training. I’m not sure how well he’s going to recall the information and procedures for his calls. Sending good vibes his way.

Today is a bright, sunny day. Windy, but not cold. Zane mentioned it was supposed to rain so I’m assuming the forecast was for later in the day. I’ve had breakfast and coffee already while sitting outside soaking up some warmth. Currently I’m inside sitting in one of the chairs in the living room surrounded by the disaster that is the apartment. Only a few more days. So close and then I can steam clean the carpets and structure things a bit, returning order to the chaos around me. >.<;

Once I’m done writing this post and most likely a prompt page I plan to bike to school to drop my backpack off then go to the gym for a strength workout before going to work. It’s a Shading and Lighting lab tonight so I’ll be with Frank.

And that’s about it… off I go to get to it.

Daily Post 095: Dragonvale Ramblings

Not a lot to catch up on.

I forgot to put the chicken into the salad containers before I left for work so my salad was pretty lacking in the protein department. It was still good though, mostly because I make a bitchin’ lime sauce.

I got all of the projects graded during the second lab, which was fantastic. They still sucked, but they’re done. Even David stayed after lab a little bit to vent about his set of projects, so at least it’s not just getting a bad draw on my part. Actually… I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. I mean, at least I wasn’t the only one to be frustrated, and while I know that may sound bad, it is nice to know that someone else understands how I feel. At the same time, if the majority of the class had crap projects then what happened to the awesomeness that was there at the beginning of the month? What happened for things to change?

The more I think about it the less I think it has to do with the events on campus. The Hall of Fame schedule specifically had our assignments due before the week of events began. Students had just as much time as previous months to complete their work before anything else would have required their time and attention. So even though the schedule was a little screwy last week, I don’t think it should have had any impact on the projects. And if that’s the case, than what did?

I would like to say that all of the grading is completely, 100% done. Unfortunately I have two more assignments that Clavan gave me last night after I had finished everything else. Mildly lame, but I have a game plan for those later today. Finishing off a majority of the grading meant I didn’t cross stitch like I wanted to, but since today is mostly clear now I’m ok with the way things worked out. I got a lot of other things taken care of while I was at work as well. Productive day, woo. Cleaning out my notebook I think was the best part. I’m almost through my current one, which means I get to pull out a new one in the next week or so. New notebooks always make me feel better. They’re so fresh and so clean, clean.

I am not responsible if that song gets stuck in your head. >.>;

Zane and I are in the middle of a spat, which might be why there doesn’t feel like much to say. I’m thinking about using the car today since he’s off and going to the gym, after which I would go to my sports bar for their lunch special. After eating I could grade the two remaining projects before going to work and stitching until it’s time for lab.

The only reason I’m thinking about not executing that plan of awesome is because I would miss out on seven miles of biking. Though I guess I could bike at the gym along with doing my strength routine…

I also should be a responsible adult and eat the food here rather than going out. Maybe I can save it for Saturday when John is moving all of his stuff out of the apartment. It would be an good excuse to not be around and in the way. Friday is payday, too. Blarg. Where’s a q-tip when you need one? Damn you, Left Brain, and all of your logical bullshit raining on my parade. >.<;

I spent a bit of time restructuring my dragons in Dragonvale last night. I also have a new strategy I think. I’m going to be focusing on getting two of all of the normal dragons first before seriously trying to get all of the rarer dragons.

I’m pretty sure I’m doing well in the game. I just got an Okenite match this morning. That’s the one that’s been giving me the hardest time, but with a 3% chance I suppose it’s understandable. The Amethyst dragon I’m probably going to miss out on, which sucks. I won’t be able to get that one until next February.

I want to get a second Carnival dragon while I still can. It’s also a limited dragon. Another Jet would be pretty awesome too, which is going to be the one I push for after my new Frostfire and Ash dragons are bred.

The idea is that if I have two of each dragon I can have two breeding pairs going for the dragons I’m trying to get, which will increase my odds, also my income since I’ll have more dragons in my park. Getting them to level 11 is fairly easy for me now, which increases their chances of breeding rarer dragons. The chances increase further if you level them to 16, but that’s still sort of hard. It takes roughly 15 million dragon cash to get from level 15 to 16 alone. At the moment that’s roughly a days worth of savings for me. Lame.

Having a handful of pretty epic dragons has been super helpful with getting me to where I’m at. I know I’ve seriously lucked out on a lot of my matches. One that was pretty awesome was getting a Bronze dragon on the day of my Warrior Dash. I know it’s sort of silly but it was like winning a second medal. It was something memorable and gives me warm fuzzy feelings still.

I feel like I made some pretty strategic choices during the Valentines event as well, which has helped me out. My Moonstruck dragons pull in almost as much as my Galaxy dragons, which I have three of. I also got a Sun dragon fairly early in the game, and I have a second one incubating right now, so in another day I’ll be pulling in an additional 250 per minute, which will make it easier to afford to grow more food, which means I can level my dragons easier, which means I can get better dragons, which gives me more cash, rinse, repeat.

I’m sure none of that makes any sense to anyone who doesn’t play the game. It’s what my mind is focusing on right now though. I have about two hours before I can do anything further in the game, so in the mean time I guess I should do things and stuff. Like figuring out if I’m still doing lunch or not. Being out of the apartment would be nice. It’s another amazing day outside. I want to enjoy it.

Daily Post 094: 12 Miles and Homemade Sushi

Going out into public so did no help my agitation from the projects I had to grade yesterday. Drivers were obnoxious, lines were long, and the overall experience was just frustrating.

I went to Jo Ann’s for the thread and mounting board I needed. At least now I’ll be able to finish off my mom’s gift and mail everything out to Vegas like I was supposed to do back at Christmas. I may or may not be the worst person ever since I am still hoarding my family’s Christmas gifts… Or maybe I’m the best Grinch. I guess it’s a matter of perspective.

I’ll be able to keep working on my Spring cross stitch rather than using the excuse of “I’m running out of thread” to justify doing other things… like nothing… nothing is a really important thing sometimes…

I go the loofa I wanted while I was next to Bed Bath and Beyond. While I was walking to the bath section I saw clearance bathmats. Zane and I are going to need new ones once Trevor moves out so I made a mental note and told Zane about it. I might run back out to get them this weekend. Maybe we’ll both make a day of it Sunday.

I drove to Target as well. Got Girl Scout coffee creamer while I was there because that stuff is amazing and addicting. But yeah, people were being annoying and loud, and even though I got everything done that I wanted to do I wasn’t any better for having done it.

When I got home I told Zane that I needed alone time and proceeded to hide in the room for about 30 minutes. I focused on breathing and letting all the stress go, the frustration of the shopping and feelings of inadequacy for the project’s low grades.

I came out of the room after a bit. Ok… So I might have left the room because there was no longer anything I needed to do in Dragonvale, but I did leave the room and that’s the important thing here.

It was an amazingly beautiful day yesterday so I ended up going for a 12 mile bike ride. I went down a different trail which gave me a bit of anxiety at first as I biked along the streets to get to the trail head, but once I was on the trail it was awesome. Long stretches of tree covered, sun speckled path with very few people. Lots of alone time with my thoughts and music. Lots of good music.

When I got to a trail crossing I stopped to rest before turning around and heading back home. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a missed call from my younger brother with a few messages asking me to please be online. We ended up chatting for thirty minutes. He had some frustration of his own to talk about so we got to share with each other and catch up on life. It was a really nice call and gave me the chance to recover before my trek back the way I had just come.

By the time I was done with the ride my quads were pretty content to let me know how not happy they were with me. To top it off Zane and I ended up walking to Publix last night to get the last bit of grocery we needed, so not only did I bike those 12 miles but I walked another two. It was a good walk though and I’m glad Zane and I did it rather than taking the car. It was fun.

We made sushi at home last night which led to watching YouTube videos while we ate on how to make proper sushi rolls. Our original rolls turned out tasty, but Zane wasn’t happy with the way they looked. They weren’t pretty enough.

I went to sleep shortly after eating and slept for most of the night. Even though I had drank three bottles of water I was still fighting off a headache. Zane was up super late, until like 4am. I moved out to the couch a few hours after he came to bed. Just wasn’t able to fall back to sleep for some reason.

I eventually did for a little while, but was still up around 8:30 this morning.

Coffee was had, but instead of making breakfast first thing I decided to finish off the cooking that needed to happen. The chicken which had been marinating for the southwestern salads got cooked, along with bacon for my breakfast sandwiches. I also went ahead and mixed the tuna for post bike ride noms.

Zane tried his hand at sushi again for lunch. The rolls turned out much better this time around, however they were a bit too big since the cucumber needed to be cut smaller, and less rice needed to be used. Still super tasty so I was happy with it.

I’ve been at work for a while now. Got to clean out my notebook and analyze my life. Trying to get back on top of things since I feel like I’m a bit scattered around. Being sick usually does that to me. I’m recovered as far as my health is concerned, now it’s time to recover on the life side of things.

I’ve gotten caught up on emails finally. That was a mountain to sift through. I logged my workouts from Friday and Sunday. I got set up on the Nike Training Club app. I’ve cleaned up my download folder and emptied my computer trashcan. That super needed to happen. >.<;

I’ve figured out my schedule for next month.. 5pm to 1am… At least I won’t have to worry about stupid drivers. Just drunk ones…

Tre is planning to come visit during a weekend next month. Not sure which one yet, but most likely the 12^th or 26^th. That will be so beyond fantastic. I miss talking and hanging out with him so much. I know there’s going to be tears when we hug for the first time in almost a year.

Still need to finish the grading. I’m most likely save that for tomorrow unless the second lab is super quiet. It would be nice to get it done and not have to worry about it.

And that’s it as far as an update goes. Yesterday had it’s frustrations, but it also had some pretty awesome moments, and overall it was a good day.

Daily Post 087: My Warrior Dash and Everything Esle

This was written on Tuesday.

I’ve biked today already. I believe it was Thursday when I got a ride home from Zane due to the rain. Since then the bike as been sitting at school, alone and forgotten, out in the cold. Abandoned.

Ok… it’s probably not as bad as all that, but I didn’t like having the bike gone for so long in a place I couldn’t keep an eye on it. Friday I didn’t want to bike so I could be as fresh for the race as possible. It was also a pretty icky day if I remember right. Icky as in super cold and windy.

Saturday was the race, and then Sunday / Monday I was so sore I was surprised I made it to the living room much less anywhere else. The plans for Seaworld on Sunday didn’t happen, but both Zane and I were ok with that.

I have a lot to write about. I think. Maybe it just feels like a lot inside my head.

Friday was CRI1 lab. I don’t remember much happening. Zane picked me up and we had sushi for dinner. I remember going to sleep sort of, kind of early. I remember asking John to turn his music down because he was packing up more of his stuff and being sort of loud about it.

Good news on that front, he’s actually moving out a week early. Huzzah. That means there will be time to clean up the room before moving all of our stuff into it. I want to steam clean the carpets, bleach out the bathroom, stuff like that. I’ll most likely be getting a Uhaul to move the things from the storage unit over to the apartment. We’re going to have to keep the storage unit for a month longer than I thought we would because Trevor and Danielle aren’t moving out until halfway through March. I’m going to see if Trevor will pay for it, or at least half, since none of my stuff will be in there any longer. Or maybe we can stash all of his boxes in a corner in the living room. There’s going to be the space for it with all of John’s crap gone.

We’ll see how it all plays out and what room is where. It would be really nice to not have to drop another $150 on it.

Saturday was a rough day emotionally. I wrote about it in my previous Musing Moment. It didn’t help that my introvert was still frazzled from not getting any space. The apartment was, in my opinion, trashed, work was being itself, and then on top of it all, all of the anxiety I had been ignoring was suffocating me.

Zane helped talk me through some of it, but I didn’t talk to him about my feelings about Warren and the nearly crippling fear of not being able to complete the race. I’m good about ignoring things like that until I can’t any longer. In fact, I don’t think I would have actually identified what was bothering me if Zane hadn’t made the comment, “You know what all of this is? This is fear. You’re scared of your race.”

Irrational Brain: Fuck you! I am not! /secretly inside of head wonders how he knows

I was scared. That cold, sinking, pit of your stomach scared where you look at some impossible task that you’ve never done before, that you’re underprepared for, that you know everyone is going to do better than you, type of scared. And all the while I had this image of Warren #2 inside my head with the smirk he would always get when he knew he was right. His, “I told you so,” smirk or complete arrogance.

David never got back to me, and I knew this type of event wasn’t something Zane would enjoy. We actually spent a while talking about that as well. Did I want him to go with me?

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him there. It was that I knew it wouldn’t be a good time for him, and so knowing that he wasn’t enjoying it would make me not enjoy it. It would bother me and I would feel bad and that would sort of mess everything up. So no, if given the choice I would rather he stay home and enjoy his day and I would be back whenever I was done doing my thing.

We hugged and cuddled and he let me essentially verbally vomit all over the place, talking about random things as they came into my head. Thoughts that were part of the tangle, but not really admitting to the real knot inside.

When I left the apartment I drove to the gas station to fill up the car, then to school to get a few water bottles from my stash. I saw one of my students in the parking lot. I haven’t seen her since before the holiday break, so we chatted for a bit, exchanging epic car trouble stories since that was part of her holiday adventure.

It was a good conversation and it helped even me out a little. Then I was off, driving to the race location. Past the exit for Universal Studios. Past Seaworld. Past Disney. I was directed to park my car in a muddy field. The thought of my car getting stuck was very real as I saw a Jeep having to get towed out of its own plight. Not cool… but I could worry about that afterwards. At that moment my biggest thing was getting checked in since I only has about 20 minutes before my wave was supposed to start.

I walked about a quarter mile to the entrance. Maybe more. You never think about that, how it’s not just the original distance of the race, there’s all this extra stuff that you have to do before hand. All of this walking around, checking in, getting stuff situated. I bet if you count all of that it’s more than a 5k, but no one ever does.

I got my ID checked and got my wristband. Awesome. I’m allowed to get smashed whenever I want now. The thought of drinking before the run was also very real. Maybe that would make me less of an angry, rage filled mess.

I didn’t though. Instead I went to the St. Jude tent because I knew where that was. The women I spoke with was so amazingly nice. Rebecca. I’ll never forget her. She helped explain what I needed to do when I asked, explaining that I could leave my stuff with her while I went to get my package. So that’s what I did. I got my first ever racing tag. And I will most likely keep it in my “special” box along with the wrist band I still have from when I went rock climbing for the first time. And paintballing. I still have the wristband from the Dash as well. So many things to hold onto at the moment.

I pined the tag to my shirt, then walked over to where people were gathering for the race. I’m pretty sure I as in the 12 o’clock wave rather than the 11:30, but no one was checking for proper times. It seemed like a “run when you want” sort of thing. No real order to it.

I was standing by myself, moving around a little as it got closer to the start time. The woman behind me tapped my shoulder and asked me about my shoes. I was wearing my old ones, the bright blue ones with yellow accents. The first pair of Vibrums I ever ran in. This was their last run. The shoes that started it were going to end it as well. I thought it was fitting.

I explained how I loved the shoes, how they’re the most comfortable brand I’ve ever worn, and answered all of her questions. It was a nice, normal conversation, and another thing that helped ease over the tension. The fear.

There was a guy off to the side, the announcer, on a stage type setup with a microphone. There was techno-dance type music playing with a nice solid beat. There was good energy even though it was cold and overcast with a 100% chance of rain later.

Finally there was the countdown, all of us counting, and then cheering as flames erupted at the starting line and we started to shuffle forward.

It was a lot like the blog post I had read. There were so many people that you couldn’t run at first, and then, when there was space, you could only jog, sort of. I didn’t go through the first puddle, but that was the only one I skipped because I had gone a slightly different route to avoid the mass of people, only to realize the group I was following were going off the official track.

I ran most of the way to the first obstacle. It was harder running on the muddy, uneven ground. It was nothing like the treadmill, and nothing like the track at the gym. The realization of how much different gives me ideas for altering my training habits. But regardless, I was happy that the first mile flew by, literally. I feel like I did really well on it, especially for not running for almost three weeks.

The first obstacle was to swim. Yep. In the middle of winter, get completely drenched then continue on for over half the race in soaking, heavy, wet cloths. The water was so incredibly cold. The shock of it made it hard for me to breathe at first, but I didn’t stop to think about it, or to warm up. I kept going, swimming the short distance to the raft we were supposed to climb over. As I jumped into the water on the other side my bandana came off. I almost lost it in the dark, murky water, but was able to grab it in my hand some how. I warped it around my wrist instead of putting it back on. I figured it would be a wasted effort with how much I was going to be moving around. I walked / ran through the rest of the race, the closer to the finish line, the more walking due to the tightness along my calves. I’m happy that it wasn’t shinsplint pain like I thought it would be. The mud was actually really gentle to run in, just used more to maintain balanced on the uneven ground.

There was only one obstacle that I was scared of, and even then it was only for the second half of it. There was a ramp, a tall one, which we had to use a rope to climb over. Going up was “easy”. I had never done anything like it before, but I got to stand and wait my turn, which let me watch other people. It didn’t seem so bad and my arms didn’t feel shot yet, so I felt like I would be able to do it. And I did.

But then I had to get down the other side, basically sort of like repelling. I wasn’t ok with that. I didn’t like not being able to see where my feet were going and having to lean back and have faith that I wouldn’t lose traction in my feet, or that my hands would slip and I would fall backwards onto the ground. It was basically having blind faith in myself, in my body, and I’m ashamed to say that while I was at the top, I didn’t have it. I couldn’t do it.

I ended up sliding slowly down to the first notch on my stomach instead of walking backwards. I needed something more solid, more stable feeling under my feet first. Once I was on the first notch I leaned back and made it the rest of the way down correctly, the rope solid in my hands, the ramp firmly under my feet.

I was glad I was alone at that point because as I walked away from the obstacle I had a little mini breakdown of terror. I had passed a few other people on different obstacles who were having a hard time with the heights. A woman was crying on one of them as I passed her.

Maybe I should have said something, but I looked with a bit of detachment. I understood her fear, but at the same time I didn’t. It wasn’t until I got to “my” obstacle and I fully understood the fear some people were having to work through. And as I walked away from the ramp I let myself make the scared little noises of fear that I had swallowed and refused to utter while I was around other people.

I wanted to cry, so bad. But instead of focusing on the fear constricting my lungs, slicing through my veins, I focused on the facts.

I had made it over the stupid thing. I even made it down. Without help. I was a motherfuckin’ bad-ass. There wasn’t a reason to cry or feel scared. It was in the past. Just like everything else. I had been scared and I made it through it and there wasn’t anything left to do expect keep moving forward. So I did. And the further away I got from that obstacle the less scared I felt, the less I wanted to fall to my knees and wrap my arms around myself and sob due to all of the emotions inside of me.

There were signs throughout the race for motivation. One of them said, “We wish you had trained, too.” Another was “100% gluten free mud,” The best one for me was “If only your ex could see you now.”

And as I crawled under the barb wire of the last obstacle, muddy, wet, tired, and crossed over the finish line about an hour after I had started, I didn’t think about Warren, or anyone. I had one single, very selfish thought.

I did it.

I did it. Me. My effort. My body. My mind. I was the one who took every step on that track. I was the one who didn’t stop. I was the one who repelled down that ramp and kept going even as people from later waves pasted me, running as if the track was nothing. I had earned this. I had accomplished this. I was awesome and fuck anyone, everyone, who even had so much of a whisper of a thought otherwise.

I did it.

I was given a medal by a young boy, around 11 or so, and congratulated. I smiled as wide as I could as I thanked him. A girl handed me a protein shake as I walked past, another thank you exchanged. And I stood off to the side, alone, wearing my medal, drinking my shake, and allowed myself the time needed to integrate that moment, that fact, into my identity.

I’m Jennifer. I have blue eyes and brown hair. I am a teacher. I am a student. I ran a Warrior Dash on February 6^th, 2016. I didn’t let my ex win. I didn’t like my inner demons win. I set out to do something, and I did it. I am capable of greatness and the only person who ever truly stands in my way is myself.

I walked back to the St. Jude tent, mildly surprised that I was able to, more surprised at how not sore some of my body was. I knew the real test would be Sunday morning though. Rebecca was there and asked me how it went. I beamed and said that I felt I had done fantastic. I sat at one of the benches, taking my shoes and compression sleeves off. I sat for a while, drinking the rest of my shake when Rebecca came over to me.

“You look miserable,” she said.

…. #introvertProblems…

I explained that I was fine. Just soaking it all in. The subject of my race came up and how this was my first one. Ever. First anything race let alone a mud obstacle 5k. She’s the one who took the picture of me in front of the St. Jude sign. I got her contact information because she was telling me about other events that St. Jude is involved in. There’s going to be a 5k in September for the Orlando area that I might set my sights on. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.

I showered once I had finished taking the pictures. Rebecca took one to put on the website. I’m going to keep an eye out for that as well. Just to see.

I had a food voucher for raising the money that I did, so I got to eat as well. When I got back to the tent it was raining. I had left my stuff on the table, which was now being used by other people to eat. I apologized for my stuff being in the way, moved it, and then asked if I could join the table to eat.

One of the guys seems pretty surprised that I asked but said, “Of course,” and gestured in front of him. I sat and listened to the conversation for a while until one of the other guys pulled me into the conversation, asking me what I had gotten from the food stand, which was wings with fries, and my free beer, because I earned that free beer damnit. I guess I should mention that I only drank half of it, because it’s still beer and gross, but still. I partook of the beer-ness. /flex

The conversation was awesome. The two guys I guess are neighbors and have known each other for years. They were older, mid thirties-ish. We talked about the race, and different races they have done. One of the guys had been in the army and asked about my hoodie. I was wearing the one I got from my younger brother’s graduation from bootcamp, so I explained about that and how he was stationed in Germany at the moment.

It was a really awesome conversation with really awesome people. When they got up to leave one of them gave me a fist bump and congratulated me on my first race. I don’t know why, but that completely made the whole day for me. More than the medal, more than the pictures. More than the dinner I had with Zane afterwards. A fist bump from a complete stranger is what made me feel validated.

I stayed a bit longer since it was drizzling a bit still, but eventually I was done with it all and headed back to my car. I didn’t get stuck on the way out. Woohoo!

When I was back in civilization and with phone service I messaged Zane to let him know I was on my way home. I also checked Facebook. I had made a post before leaving the school saying that I was about to run my first Warrior Dash. I had so much support on the post. Almost everyone had liked it, and several people had commented wishing me luck and telling me to let them know how it went. One of my friends even emailed me saying she didn’t have my phone number otherwise she would have sent a text, but that she wanted to make sure I knew she was wishing me good luck.

I posted my St. Jude picture as well, saying that I had crushed it like a bawce. And I keep using that word crushed because of one of my blogging buddies. Ally had read a previous post of mine and left a wonderful comment where she said she knew I “would crush it!”

It was thoroughly crushed. And I’m making sure everyone knows it.

I got home around 5pm after having to drive through crap-tastic traffic and more rain. That’s alright though. I was surprised at how tired I was after leaving the race. It’s going to be something I keep in mind for next time. I almost pulled over to sleep I was so tired, but the desire to get home was stronger.

Zane and I went out for wings after I had showered again.

I had gotten a participation shirt for free with my registration, along with an official Warrior Dash fuzzy Viking helmet. But there was also a merchandise tent. I got a “completer” t-shirt, along with a hoodie. I had asked if I could try the hoodie on before I bought it, but I wasn’t allowed to do that, so instead I asked if I could touch it. Softness test, you know?

It’s amazing. I love that hoodie, so much. I’ve been wearing it sort of non-stop since my second shower after the race. It’s the one I’m wearing in my “warrior feast” picture. There’s the Viking helmet icon on the back of the sweater.

I totally did not need another t-shirt or hoodie, but I don’t care because they’re both awesome.

After eating we came back home. We stayed up for a little bit, but eventually I went to sleep.

I was so sore when I got up on Sunday. Words cannot do justice to the feelings of soreness I felt. I didn’t even know you could be sore I those places. I didn’t even know those places existed.

So I spent most of Sunday morning in bed doing nothing, or, when I actually got up the gumption to move, sitting in the chair in the living room, doing nothing. It was fantastic.

Since the Seaworld plans were off Zane and I decided to do dinner and a movie later in the evening to avoid the Super Bowl party at the apartment. Hannah was having issues with her roommate so she ended up tagging along with us in the evening.

During the day Zane and I watched Kung Fu Panda one and two, so we could see three that night. Normally I’m not one for watching hours of TV but Sunday I had no problem with it.

We went to Moe’s for dinner. It wasn’t awesome, which was mildly disappointing, but overall dinner was ok. The movie was cute and I’m glad I went to see it. There were a few really powerful moments in it, but I think the first movie will always be my favorite.

When we got back to the apartment the game was still going. Zane was getting pissed because it was loud and obnoxious and there were several people there he didn’t like. We ended up going to school and hanging out in the break room, but not before having a spat which made me feel like the night was going to be a complete disaster.

It sucked. We talked though it. I explained how school was a safe space for me, and that I didn’t want that feeling messed up. While we were in the break room we talked about my race and I finally admitted to the feelings about Warren. It was a pretty intense conversation. I’m glad I had it though. Speaking the words helped get them out. We spent most of the time talking.

Around midnight we went back home, hoping by then everyone had sobered up and left. They had. Awesome. The kitchen was a disaster. Zero fucks. Zane and I went to sleep almost instantly. Both of us exhausted.

We didn’t wake up earlier enough to get bagels, but we’re ok with that. Instead we got ready and he dropped me off at work on Monday. I didn’t have to be in until 1pm, but I didn’t have the bike, not that I would have ridden anyway with how sore I still was. But I knew that meant my day was going to be insanely long. I didn’t get enough sleep, plus I was sore, plus I was going to have to be around people way longer than I should be. Plus I didn’t have lunch because we hadn’t done grocery shopping, mostly because there was so much beer in the fridge that there wasn’t space for anything else like food.

Monday was going to be hard no matter what, so I just sort of accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be “at my best” and to do the best I could with that.

I survived. I got a bowl of soup from Crisper’s on my break. I saw Steve for the first time in forever and got to talk to him about the meeting for 3D Blitz and how it’s most likely never going to happen again. He said he was sorry, and I know he means it. I know that he loved 3D Blitz just as much as I did, so I know he genuinely feels sorrow over this.

He thanked me for the two events that we had, and that it had meant a lot to him. The whole event was based around his class. I made it as a way to say thank you to him. His class was the first time I had ever done anything with computer animation. His class literally was my foundation. And I’ve told him that. He’s the foundation for so many people. I hate that this was taken away from us.

I’m glad we were able to talk, even if it was for a short time. He gave me a hug as he thanked me. I wish there was more I could do. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out as I’m daydreaming.

Zane picked me up after work. I had a can of soup with some toast when we got home. I wasn’t up for going out or grocery shopping. He had his leftover nachos from the victory feast. I went to sleep pretty early. He woke me up when he came to bed. Not cool. I was grumpy about it but thought it would be ok. That is until the cats decided that they didn’t want to go to sleep and would rather bat at the door like doochbags.

That led to a bit of snipping from Zane, to which I didn’t even put in effort. I took my pillows and blanket and went to the couch. I know he wanted me to sleep with him, but I wasn’t going to be able to with emotional discord between us and I didn’t have it in me to smooth it over. I needed sleep. Not wanted. Needed. Nothing else was going to be able to happen until that need was taken care of.

This morning has been pretty awesome. Zane’s first words were to apologize for last night not working. He said he had tried everything to get all of us, cats included, to sleep together. There was food and water in the room, so they shouldn’t have wanted to go back out. I explained how my leaving wasn’t personal. At last I think I did. I might make sure later that we’re still good.

I had breakfast of toast and part of my coffee before changing into biking stuff. Zane was already dressed for work. He dropped me off at school, and I biked back home since I don’t have to be to work unto 5pm tonight. And so far that’s been my morning. Along with an hour or so worth of writing.

I’m not as sore today. And I’m going to be biking roughly 10 miles, so I feel like today is going to be an alright day as far as workout goes. I’m going to be working on some homework, and grading 5 projects for Clavan since he never got around to doing that. If he hasn’t already done it this morning. He asked for David or I to do for him when he stopped by in lab last night. I told David I would take care of it, and I plan to. I just don’t know if Clavan would have gotten impatient and done it already. Hopefully not.

But yeah. Trying to take today easy. Stay at home as much a s I can. Not be around people. Do the stuff I want to do. Go to lab. Come home. Grocery shop. Zane is supposed to be doing the meals this week. I only need tuna and water for my lunches. A loaf of bread would be nice for my breakfast sandwiches. But that’s about it. The rest of it is up to him.

I’m going to go for now. After 9 pages of writing I really don’t feel like being in front of the keyboard anymore.

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