Daily Post

Writings and ramblings from my daily life.

003: Ok with Ok

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So still not really a daily writing habit, but I’m doing better than I have in… well… months. Years possibly. 

I had my 90-day review today. That went well. I met all of the goals management gave me. Their rating system is a 1-3 scale. 1,  you didn’t meet expectations. 2, you did. 3, you exceeded expectations. 

All of my ratings were twos, which I’m ok with. I at least met expectations. 

My supervisor is pleased with the progress I have made in such a short amount of time. Apparently, my coworkers were able to give feedback and said I fit in well and I ask really good questions. I’m polite and receptive to feedback. I take ownership of the mistakes I make rather than trying to shift the blame to someone or something else. 

I don’t think I’m doing anything amazing or radically crazy by being respectful, showing up to work on time, actually doing the work expected of me, and asking questions when I’m unsure of how to do something. I guess they have a hard time with new hires doing those things, though. 

I have new goals for my 6-month review. I need to complete more projects and develop my communication with my checking drafter. He wants me to build my confidence in defending my work rather than rolling over and just accepting what my checker says. 

There have been a handful of instances where my checker has told me was wrong when I was actually right, or I got docked points for things that are a personal preference rather than something that was actually wrong. 

It’s sort of like if you load the dishwasher and instead of keeping all the spoons, forks, and butter knives separate,  you clump everything together. It’s not that the dishwasher is loaded wrong one way or the other. Everything still gets washed and comes out clean in the end. But if you have “your” way of doing things, it can “feel” wrong when someone does it a different way. That doesn’t mean it’s actually wrong; it’s just different.

I need to get comfortable with asking for an explanation for my score when justification isn’t given. My supervisor said my work deserves to be defended and I’m the person to do that. So… yeah… that’s something he wants me to work on. 

As someone super new, the thought of asking for justification is slightly terrifying. Blarg… a problem for a different day. Something to work on in the future. Yes, the future… as in not right now so chill out, anticipatory anxiety attack. 

Right now I would rather feel a small sliver of pride that I finally got face-to-face feedback and it was positive. 

Yesterday, Thursday, our office drove an hour and a half to the corporate headquarters. The fiscal year ends in April for the company. They were having an “End of Year” lunch and we were required to be there. 

I finally got to meet my trainer in person along with all of the other people who are in my training group. I got to see all of the different buildings that make up our company. Josh and I got to talk about different components in regard to their design. Inset/outset girts, light transmitting panels, underhung cranes, hip/valley roofing… all sorts of stuff I haven’t gotten to yet, but that are on my horizon. 

It was actually super fun and encouraging. I was able to talk shop and participate in the conversation. I’m grasping all the concepts and able to make connections when given new information. 

During the lunch, we were told the company had had its best year to date financially. Everyone was receiving a bonus. Even me. 

Me. A lowly new hire who has contributed basically nothing to their “year of success” was included in their success. I am humbled and honored to be included. I don’t feel like I deserve the bonus. It motivates me to prove that I am worth the investment. I was and am worth hiring and having on their team. I am grateful for the opportunity they gave me with the job offer and I am doing my best to prove to means something to me. They could have said no, and they didn’t, and that matters. 

So, on the topic of proving myself worthy of being hired… my checkset corrections were late keypunch. 

Once I am done detailing a project, it needs to get checked. There’s a set amount of time for my checker to go over my job and get corrections back to me. Then there’s another set amount of time for me to make the corrections so the fabrication documents can be sent to the plant. 

The checkset I am working on was one of my harder projects, so there are more corrections that need to be made. I wasn’t able to get through them until 4:30 today. That wasn’t enough time for my checker to back-check my work; to make sure my corrections were actually done correctly. 

So I couldn’t get the fabrications to the plant by end of business today…

It’s a shitty feeling. At the same time, my rational logical brain y supervisor said it’s to be expected. Harder projects are going to take me longer and they would rather I take extra time to do things correctly than to rush through the work and keep getting it kicked back to me for being wrong. 

I’m trying to come to terms with the emotions I feel. Emotions like letting people down, or “not meeting expectations”. I literally just had a meeting where I was told I am meeting them and it’s ok to take longer than what the schedule says. The schedule can be changed and updated. 

I guess the thing that’s the hardest to contend with is my own expectations for myself. I don’t expect perfection, but when there’s a goal, a deadline, I WANT to meet it. And when I don’t it doesn’t feel good. I let myself down. I didn’t meet MY expectations, and that’s a shitty feeling, even if my personal expectations are mildly unrealistic. 

I’m trying not to let it eat away at me too much. There’s nothing I can do about it over the weekend. All I can do is go in Monday and keep working at it. I’ve kept busy for most of the night as a way to try to get the sandpapery feeling of mild failure out of my skin. 

I’ve meal planned with Ox. I made the shopping list. I cleaned the kitchen. I folded and put the clothes away. We made the bed. We fixed the curtains so they aren’t covering up the window AC unit. I made a little box for the cell phones out of cardboard so they won’t fall off the shelf I bought for them when we charge them at night. I found a file organizer I want to have at work and ordered it. I’ve gone through my weekly to-do lists and prepped the lists for this coming week. 

I’ve done a fair amount since I’ve been home, and yet I still feel the weight of my incomplete project. 

The whole weekend is a really long time to feel that type of weight. I don’t know if writing about it is really helping. Most likely not. I don’t know if sleep will help, or the gym, or if the feelings just need more time… 

Hopefully the emotions and I can come to some sort of understanding or agreement. I’m not a failure and I’m doing well, and harder projects are most likely going to run behind. As I get better, I’ll do better. 

Maybe that can be my mantra. Part of me thinks it sounds like an excuse. At the same time, I can only do my best. 

Arrrrrrg. Fuck you for being frustrating, brain. 

In other news, the check engine light came on in my car. That happened last night on the way home. 

I stopped at an O’rialy’s since they can read the code for free. It’s a very small emissions leak. “Take care of at your own convenience” was the machine’s recommendation. 

Since it wasn’t a “your car is dying” type of code I don’t feel super stressed about it. I can make an appointment that fits my schedule. I don’t have to rush to get the soonest appointment and figure out how to get to and from work without a car because it’s in the shop. 

I plan to call tomorrow to see what’s available and go from there. 

Not super stoked to have a car problem, but I am grateful it seems to be a minor one and that, with the bonus, I can most likely handle the expense. 

It’s so weird, being relatively financially stable. Were it three months ago, I would be nauseous right now thinking about an unexpected expense, especially a car expense. But I’m not. It’s a problem and I’ll figure it out. 

I am grateful for where I am at. Not just physically, as in here at the house, but where I am at in this moment in my life. Sure, I’m feeling a little shitty about work and having minor car issues, but overall, it’s a really good spot to be in. I’m in a supportive environment both at work and at home. I’m able to meet my financial obligations and see my doctor. I’m able to have time to myself at the gym and still have time with Ox as well. 

It’s… nice. It’s not perfect and that too is part of the niceness. 

I guess that’s the mentality I can have with work. Life isn’t perfect, and yet things are still ok. I’m ok with things being ok. 

002: A Slight Ramble About Work and Life

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Why, hello again. 

Twice in one month. Crazy…

Work has been going well so far this week. 

Monday started off sort of shitty. Woke up at 4:30. Thought about not going to the gym but decided that I would feel worse if I didn’t, so up I stayed. Got dressed. Dragged myself out to the car. Drove to the YMCA. Made it inside even. 

I didn’t feel any more with it. I picked out a cycling video from Fitbit and told myself any workout is better than no workout. 

It was a pretty shitty workout…

Not the video or the instructor in it… just… I don’t know. I most likely should have taken Monday as a rest day. Or done yoga which I totally forgot was a class offered Monday mornings. My body wasn’t rested enough from my workouts over the weekend to go hardcore first thing Monday morning and it showed. 

After showering I headed to work where I finished the project I was working on before switching back to one I was already part way through. I guess someone was falling behind on their schedule and this project is due to the shop sooner rather than later. So I was asked to put a pin in my original project so this new one could get done on schedule. 

It wasn’t a super complex project and I was able to wrap it up on time. With that done, I could go back to my pinned project and keep progressing there. I got a fair amount done. Enough that I was able to finish it today. 

Last night was a decent night. Came home less crappy feeling than how the day started. Cooked a basil pesto chicken with grape tomatoes and green beans. It was tasty and there are leftovers so that’s dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow. 

I got a lot of my to-do list done yesterday, so that felt good. Made up for a crap workout. 

Slept decently. Opted not to do the gym today and instead let my body rest. It seems grateful. 

Got a lot done at work again. Got one of my other projects back.

So… There’s a whole process that a project goes through. My job is to “detail” the project. That means the engineer has already figured out what the building needs to be up to code with all of the additions the buyer wants. Things like windows, overhead doors, walk doors, gutters, downspouts… The list goes on and on. 

I don’t have to worry about making sure anything is up to code. My job is to make sure the builders have all the instructions they need to assemble the parts we send them correctly. I count literally every bolt. Every screw. I check every column and rafter to make sure all of the pieces line up with the right clips. Certain things like center blocking (extra support for overhead doors) have to be manually added, so I add them. 

Once I’m done confirming the entire building, a more experienced person checks my work. That will always happen. A building will get detailed by a drafter and then it will be checked, regardless of the drafter’s level of experience. 

So I got my checkset back for a production project I did earlier this month. There was very little that needed to be corrected which is a nice feeling. Usually, my trainer is the one who checks my work. Once she’s done she sends me an email with my “scorecard”. It’s essentially my grade. Scorecards factor into how quickly I’ll move from Apprentice Drafter to Drafter I. 

Well… I didn’t get a scorecard with my feedback. I sent a quick email thanking my checker for his feedback and if he knew if I was supposed to receive a scorecard. Not that I want to get a promotion or anything… but if I did… I would totally be wondering where my scorecard was… 

He replied back pretty quickly saying he would get one to me tomorrow, so I have that to look forward to. With how few corrections needed to be made I’m hoping for a decent score. 

I’ll finish up my corrections on that project tomorrow and then send my documents off to the shop. It’s one step closer to getting shipped out and built. It’s a cool feeling. Some of my other projects have already shipped. In a few months, there will be people standing in something I helped create. Kinda crazy to think I could take a trip somewhere and see a building I played a part in. Stand inside it. Touch a piece of the wall panel and know I calculated that length. I counted those fasteners. I confirmed those flange brace punches. 

Anywho… Once my checkset is done I get to move on to another project. It really is a never-ending cycle. Finish one, move on to the next. But so far I like it. 

This next project is a level 3. Levels go all the way up to 10. I’ve done a few fours already. Those melted my brain a little, but it’s getting better and I like the challenge when I’m given something new. Like slip clip connections or pipe struts or any number of things that are “new” in the three and a half months that I’ve been with the company, wish is pretty much everything. XD

I think I’m up to 19 or 20 projects so far. Some of those are training projects, so the buildings would actually be built. I got confirmation today from my trainer that I’m officially done with training projects, though. From here on out all of my work will be production jobs. 

I guess that’s enough rambling about work. 

Ox and I are doing well. Like… really well… 

It’s weird to type about it. Think about it. He’s been more affectionate recently. More hugs. More kisses. More random butt slaps, which yes, in my world are awesome. 

It makes me wonder how much of the stress and struggle we’ve gone through together was caused by me. I am doing better. I’m less depressed. I’m less stressed. I’m present in my life and in the relationship so maybe that makes it easier for him to be present, too. 

I don’t know. We don’t really talk about emotions anymore. We don’t beta test like we used to. We don’t have a date night or “date outing” where we would get lunch and grocery shop together like when I was going to nursing school. 

There are a lot of things that we don’t do like we used to but life and our schedules have changed since then and we can’t do things exactly like we used to. 

Maybe we should have a check in with each other. Maybe we should try to figure out a day where we can go out together. Maybe a weekly walk, now that winter is over. Something. 

Point being, our relationship doesn’t feel dead or like we’re distant roommates. It feels like we’re a couple and I like that. There’s a warmth there that helps me feel connected to my small bubble of a world. I don’t feel alone when I fall asleep next to him. 

Living with his parents again can be rough sometimes. We were working on the addition. Then his dad fell and was in the hospital for a while. He got discharged to a care facility and finally made it back home. During that period his parents decided they want to move to a different house. One without stairs and more friendly for an elder couple who are beginning to have mobility issues. 

I don’t know what that really means for Ox and me. I’ve been making progress on my debt but I don’t think I would be able to get a loan to buy the house from them by the end of summer which is when they want to move. 

I honestly don’t think moving by the end of summer is doable. Maybe that’s pessimistic of me. In my mind, it’s realistic. There’s still so much stuff his parents have to go through before they can pack. A whole garage worth of tools and such that haven’t been touched in years. They’ve lived here pretty much their whole adult lives. There’s a lot of… clutter? Random crap that isn’t used? It’s not trash exactly, and they’re not hoarders… but… pack rats maybe? I’m not sure if that’s any better… 

I’ve moved so often in my life that I don’t have much. What I do have is needed because packing and unpacking a ton of stuff sucks. They’ve never had to go through that process, of pairing down and contemplating “do you really want to carry that up three flights of stairs to your new home”, so there’s just… a lot of stuff… 

To her credit, Mama Ox hs been doing really well with sifting through things. I’ve been staying quiet about it. When she wants or needs help, I help. I don’t want any comment I say to be taken the wrong way or demotivate her or foster any sort of ill feelings. It’s a big task; one that I personally think is going to take longer than the summer to complete when you include selling this house and finding a new one. 

Anywho… So with the living situation sort of unknown, Ox and I haven’t been doing a lot of work on the addition. There’s talk about once the back room is cleared out turning that into a mini-office / bedroom for me. A dragon den. I really like the idea of doing that. It would be a spot where I could be alone. 

I think that’s still a little ways off and I’m not getting my hopes up about it, but it’s nice to think that maybe here in the near future, I’ll have a project at home to work on again. A room that I can clean up super nice and walls to paint. We’ll see what comes of it. 

Well… I guess that’s enough haphazard catching up for one day. I’m going to start getting ready for bed since tomorrow is supposed to be a gym day. One rest day is enough, body. Back to work with you!

001: First Writing of a New Year / New Job

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Hello, keyboard.

It’s been a while.  

I’m no longer an auto glass technician. I was doing really well at it. Calibrating forward-facing cameras was fun. I enjoyed the people I  worked with. I liked climbing up and down giant semi-trucks… It was physical and active and outside.

I have a chronic health condition, though, and not having health insurance was hard. Having a pay cut with increased rent and gas and all of the crazy inflation that’s been going on… liking my job wasn’t enough.

It was around October that I started scrolling through InDeed again. 

There was a post for a Drafting Apprentice Eexploritory Program. I didn’t know a whole lot about drafting, but I figured if this company was willing to open its doors and show me what they were about, I was willing to give it a shot. 

There was an orientation where they talked about the company and what the program would entail. I showed up for a few Saturday classes. I had a job shadow and an interview. I had a long two weeks after that waiting to hear back. 

And then I did. I was hired. I would start my new job as an apprentice drafter on January 3rd. If I could hold out until then… If I could get through the first month… things would get better. Financially, I wouldn’t be drowning because I would be making decent money again. I could go see my endocrinologist because I would have health insurance. If I could just make it… things might get better. 

So I gave my notice. The lease at the rental ended and I moved back in with Ox and his family. I survived my birthday and Christmas. Another year without Mom. 

I started my new job with the new year. 

I like it. It’s been three months so far. I’ve moved from training projects to actual production projects. There are parts of it that are challenging; sometimes overwhelming, but overall I really do enjoy it. 

There’s a lot of math but it’s not overly complex math. There’s a lot of figuring out how pieces go together. A lot of problem-solving through program limitations. It’s mentally engaging. I get to have headphones on and listen to music all day. And even though each building is different the overall workflow is consistent enough to be comforting. Familiar. A pattern. A routine. 

I’ve made my own custom checklist since there wasn’t an “official” to-do list. No paper I could print where I could scratch off or highlight my way through a project. Nothing solid and tangible to hold onto and keep me grounded when I started feeling overwhelmed with all of the hundreds of steps that go into fabricating a metal building. Nothing to look at and see how much I had already done or where I was in relation to the end goal. 

So I fixed that. 

I’m sure my checklist will continue to evolve and change as I encounter new and more complex projects. That too is fun and comforting. Updating documentation to improve workflow. I love it.

I’m starting to feel comfortable around my coworkers and with the company. I’m starting to breathe easier. The never-ending tension in my back and shoulders has been easing. I’m not as worried I’m going to turn around and be laid off or fired. I can’t say that fear has gone away completely, but it is less than it was on my first day.

Financially I’m making progress on my medical debt and the credit card. At the same time even. An increased paycheck with significantly lowered living expenses has a lot to do with that.

My overall goal at work is to reach Drafting I by August. That’s when the next position review is. If I don’t make it in August then December. Realistically, both of those goals are ambitious. I’ve been told an apprenticeship can last up to two years because the learning curve is so steep. We’ll see what happens, but unofficially official… I’ll get there by December at the latest. 

I got labs drawn in February. That’s when my health insurance kicked in. My T4 levels were a little high. With all of the changes going on in my life at the time my doctor and I decided to wait a little bit and redraw labs in three months before changing my Synthroid dosage. It could be that once things settled down and I adjusted to my new normals my dosage wouldn’t need to be adjusted. So that lab draw will happen sometime in May. 

I’ve started going back to the gym. It works best if I wake up early in the morning to go. Fewer people. Less traffic. I get to work earlier which means I can leave earlier. I’m allowed to take 30-minute lunches instead of a full hour which means I can also leave 30 minutes earlier as long as I’m on track to finish my projects on time. That means I get to leave around 3 or 3:30 in the afternoon. That gives me time to spend with Ox or game or cross stitch or whatever it is that I want to do. It’s not a wake-up, work, come home, do chores, go to sleep, rinse, repeat type routine. I can actually DO stuff and I even have the energy to do it. 

It’s taken a while to get to this point. Nearly three and a half months of small, slow steps to mentally and emotionally recovering from… everything… life… the past nearly five years. 

But here I am. Writing. Going to the gym. Enjoying work. Even, maybe, sort of, starting to enjoy life again. It’s not a hopeless, bleak, never-ending struggle toward a void of nothingness. 

Winter is over. It’s warm and sunny. The grass is turning green. 

It’s a good feeling and yet it still hurts. It’s been seven years since Mom died. So much has happened. 

If I could have a phone call with her… if I could tell her how I’m enjoying my job and how things are starting to finally work out… I know she would be proud of me. I can almost hear the way there would be a smile in her voice. Genuine happiness. I want to hear that so badly. I want her to give me a mom hug. The one where she would squeeze just a touch tighter at the end; like a hug within a hug. 

I can’t have that, though. I can’t have a phone call. I can’t have a celebratory lunch with her. All I can do is keep living, even when it hurts. So I do, and so here I am. Writing again. Listening to music again. Even singing along to it in my car sometimes. 

I can’t promise for writing to be a daily habit like it was so long ago. But I’m going to try a little harder than I have been, keyboard. Thanks for being here and listening to my quasi-good ramble. I’ll type to you later.

Evening Reflection 023: A Day of Doing

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Previously, before unemployment, I was working on finding my identity after cheating on Ox. I was doing writing prompts, which were helping. Ox and I were doing well. We still are. Then the writing prompts started getting into Bible verses and such and I didn’t feel as engaged with them. I was looking for other avenues or prompts to use in my task of picking up my broken pieces.

Then the world fell out from beneath me and I was in instant free-fall mode.

Who was I if I didn’t have a job? What worth did I actually have if a company could throw me away so easily? How was I a partner worth having when I would shortly have no income at all to support myself? What is worthiness anyway? And everyone keeps saying I’m “strong”… What is strength when all I feel is broken and weak all the time? When am I going to stop over-functioning and actually have my cry session breakdown?

With all of these other questions now in the front of my mind, the writing prompts didn’t seem nearly as important.

As with the cheating incident, it took me a while to be able to admit to this new reality; my joblessness. It took me a week to write about it on Facebook. Even longer to return to my blog, my safe space, and legitimately own my reality.

I returned my Nelnet equipment yesterday. That hurt. I cried after it was done. It was the final step, the final action which closed that chapter of my life. One which, at least in regards to my job, I liked, enjoyed, and felt supported in.

Yesterday I also signed the paperwork for my new position.

I am officially an Auto Glass Trainee. I will be cross-trained to help with the office side of things as well. I have met with the president of the company a handful of times now. He’s super down to earth. It’s a tiny operation. There are only 5 people at the location I will be at, with one other store on the south side of town. The other location is actually super close to me and it might be I end up there more often after my training. But for now, I have a 15-minute drive to work.

I will start Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.

I woke up this morning somewhat rested. I don’t remember having bad dreams at least. I am current on my Synthroid. I’m still off of Zoloft. I actually sat down and made a to-do list. I have completed most of it. I have a rough outline for the weekend since Ox and I want to do some things.

It’s finally sunny again. For the past three or four days it’s been rainy and cloudy and coldish. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been cloudy ALL of those days. No momentary breaks with sunshine, just dreariness stretched out for the next foreseeable ever.

Today is different though. I woke up to sunlight and the kittens snuggled next to me. I didn’t really have a solid idea of what I wanted to do but I knew I didn’t want to spend it spiraling or running from depression. So I started doing stuff. I showered. I realized I didn’t have towels in the bathroom because I had washed them the other day. I cringed my way through the house, trying not to get too much water everywhere. I realized I never started the dryer so the towels were still wet…

That. That right there feels like an accurate representation of what my life has been for the past two weeks.

What the fuck, right? How did I “forget” to start the dryer? How do I have NO clean, dry towels?…

So… I dried off with a dish towel because that was the only thing I had that would work…

Fuck it. My standards for life aren’t very high right now. At least I’m showered AND dried. Bonus points for creativity. Suck it, Life.

I cleaned the litter box, filled the cats’ water bowel, picked up all their toys, and vacuumed the bedroom and hallway. I started tackling the kitchen after that. Dry dishes got put away, dirty dishes got washed, counters got wiped down, trash taken out, floors vacuumed since I have a Dyson and it’s amazing and can do everything. No need to sweep.

This is where I sat down to make a list. I was doing stuff. Awesome! It was kind of haphazardly jumping from one thing to another with no real organization. Not as awesome. But! That’s something that can be fixed! Wooo! Fixing things.

The lease for the apartment ends on the 1st. I still wanted to get over there to clean the oven. There was some minor shopping that needed to get done. I could also stop at the library and see if the Auto Glass Technician book my new boss, we’ll call him Glass Dad, told me about.

There were things I could do outside of the house. It would be better to have a game plan for them. So I made a game plan.

Oh… and I did start the dryer when I realized the towels weren’t dry. Just wanted to toss that in here so it’s officially spoken.

I started by going to the apartment. I sprayed the inside with oven cleaner. Since it has to sit for at least 6 hours there wasn’t a whole lot I could do past that. The goal is to go tomorrow morning and wipe everything clean after letting it sit overnight.

From there I went to Walmart, which was a crappier experience than I anticipated. I needed a money order for my final payment to the apartment. That took nearly 20 minutes since people were using the associates in that area to check out. Of course, the one that got finished faster couldn’t do money orders so three other people got to go ahead of me while I waited for the other associate to finish with the customer she was with.

Once I got the money order, I went to the guy section to check out pants. I found a pair I really like. I was worried “work” pants would be bulky and heavy and not have a great range of motion. These are actually pretty awesome. Not too heavy, but not super light either. They flex which is nice. AND THEY HAVE POCKETS! Super stoked to try them out over the weekend while Ox and I work in the addition.

Since the task of “buy pants” was mercifully done, I went to the sporting goods section to get a copy made for the rental key. No one was back there. I found another associate and asked if I could get a copy made. They said they would get someone over to help me. I waited. Another customer came up. I explained the previous situation. We both waited. Another customer showed up. Second customer went to find someone. A call for assistance in sporting goods was heard over the speakers. An associate came over to see what we all needed. Each of us explained what we wanted assistance with. He said he would find someone for us since he wasn’t the associate for the area. Finally got an associate behind the counter and got my key copy made.

I was grateful I only needed a few things from grocery after that.

I had not expected to spend more than 30 minutes in Walmart. I was pushing an hour at that point.

Checked out. Got back to the car. Went to the library. They don’t have the book I want. Lame. Came home and regaled Ox about the trials of the Walmart trip he conveniently didn’t have to be a part of.

We were going to game for a bit. I ended up napping after we had lunch. He’s still asleep and so here I am. Writing.

I got confirmation from the apartment that the pre-moveout inspection has been done. There’s a lot of crap going on with that, but I’m not going to get into it for now. There will be more information later. So later is when I’ll write about it so I can do the whole story all at once.

Once I’m done here, at the keyboard, I’m going to take another look at my to-do list and see what else I want to get accomplished. I’ll most likely terrorize Ox and wake him up. At some point, we’ll go to the house so we can be there in the morning to work on the addition.

And that’s mostly it for the moment. I did not sink into a pit of depression but I can still feel its darkness on the edges of my mind. This is a tentative “okness”. Bills are going to suck this coming month. Jon is being a dick about things. The apartment is an unknown expense and I highly doubt the security deposit will cover all of it. Medical insurance isn’t official yet and I don’t know how much of my Synthroid will be covered.

There are a lot of unknowns left to figure out or work through. This “okness” doesn’t feel 100% real. It’s more like because I’m keeping my head down and my attention on immediate things, I feel ok. This teeny-tiny space, the piece of paper with things written on it, is the only thing I have to worry about right now. I’m not going to look up into the distance to see all the monsters waiting for their turn… Nope. Only the paper matters and the paper says I’m doing good…

It’s that sort of “okness”.

That’s what I have in me for today, so that’s what I’m doing. I know the other things are there. I know they will come up in their own time. I can’t do anything about them right now, though. I have to wait and I’m not good at waiting so I’m doing the things I can do instead.

I’m employed again. I have that going for me. I haven’t had a mantra or anything in my head, but maybe that’s one I can try. “I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things.”

Evening Reflection 022: Some Ducking Bullshit

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It’s been… rough.

That’s the socially acceptable answer I’ve been telling people when they ask how I’m doing.

“This is some bullshit,” is what I actively think while being socially acceptable.

And not just bullshit… no. Like grade A, first-class level buuuuullllllllshit.

I got laid off from my job. That happened on May 10th. That was after receiving an email Friday, May 6th saying that I was approved to be promoted to Advisor II.

Talk about a kick to the balls. I had exceeded expectations every month on my scorecard according to the metrics used. I was in the mentorship program. I had outstanding customer service reviews from the borrowers I helped. I had been promoted to Team Caption for my group. I was actively working on transitioning to Global Training to start utilizing all of the teaching/training skills I have…

But… with the covid forbearance, Nelnet can’t justify the workforce it hired up. I and 27 other people logged in to work on the 10th to a meeting scheduled for 3pm to “Discuss Opportunities”.

It wasn’t a discussion, though. Nope. Just a bunch of confused and relatively optimistic teammates being told effective immediately all 27 of us, including my brother and the mentor who taught me during my own training period, were all fired. No warning… Just… dropped. All of us…

Our dedication. Our care. Our exceeding expectations. Our recent promotions… None of it mattered.

In Nelnet’s defense, they did have another company come in and speak to us about a position we could apply for. It would be cold calling people to try to sell their software… you know… totally the same thing as taking inbound calls for borrowers who wanted help managing their student loans… Oh, and since we would be “such a good fit” for this other company we would have “higher priority” if we applied to join their team.

Not even a gareentee for employment; which, I found out, the other company highered literally NO ONE from this meeting.

I logged out of the meeting and cried as Ox held me.

“I don’t understand,” was the only thing I could say. I said it over and over again as the realization that I was now unemployed refused to make sense inside my head.

I had done everything right. I had played the corporate game and played it well.

But none of that mattered. I didn’t have a backup plan because I had felt safe in that I didn’t need to worry about employment. I was a great employee and teammate. I didn’t have any corrective action on my record. I was involved with the company. I was engaged and active in all the extra stuff…

Didn’t matter.

Once I was done with my “I don’t understand” phase, I shut down hardcore, entered into over-function mode, and packed up my equipment. It was pointless to leave the computers and such setup. I wasn’t going to be able to log into anything anymore. I was going to have to return everything at some point. Might as well pack it up now.

I went from “I don’t understand” to “get shit done” in less than 20 minutes. I threw out all of the notes I had taken during training and from the online courses I had been taking. I disassembled the binder I had been creating to store all of my mentorship papers and scorecards. Fuck it. What’s the point in keeping this crap? I no longer have a job.

I spent all of that night on Indeed applying to literally anything I felt halfway qualified for. Fuck it. If guys can apply to things they don’t have all of the qualifications for, then so can I. And actually… that’s not 100% true. I had all of the required shit and most of the “preferred” shit.

Not required? Cool. Applied.

That’s pretty much how the next week and a half went. Applying and arranging interviews, having interviews, crying while I was alone and working through the feelings of failure from losing my job, and spending my nights sleepless as I applied to more and more things as a way to avoid the potential nightmares I knew where waiting behind my eyelids.

I’ve had to work through feelings of shame, unworthiness, and failure. I’ve had to reexamine my definition of “successfully adulting”. I have had to grapple with the reality that just because I interview well and feel like I have rapport with my interviewers, doesn’t mean I’m entitled to a callback, not even to let me know I didn’t get the position.

All of this has sucked.

While going through all of the job searching BS, my brother landed a job almost making 26 an hour.

I congratulated him when I found out. I am super happy for him. I also asked if that meant he would be able to pay the $300 like we had agreed to when I took over the lease for the house. He said that if I landed a job and no longer needed his financial support, then no, he wasn’t going to pay it.

He was hurt that I would even bring it up.

He’s making $10 more an hour than he was at Nelnet, and he’s going to not pay me like he agreed.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. And at this point, I don’t give a fuck what he does as long as he keeps his shit to himself and leaves me alone. I’m tired of him crying and saying how he “feels unloved”. I’m tired of trying to hug a catus and being worse off for it. He can figure his own shit out, just like I am having to figure mine out; without his help or support because how dare I think he would keep his word to me.

Anywho, I have accepted a job.

It’s not the one society is going to think I should accept. It’s not as a receptionist, which I’m more than qualified to do, and interviewed for, multiple times with offers. It’s nothing medical. It’s not something with the University of Nebraska, which I also interviewed with…

Nope. I accepted a position as an Auto Glass Technician and I, again, don’t give a fuck. The owner was super down to earth with me.

Him: We don’t get a lot of women applying for this job.

Me: I’m sure you don’t.

I want out of corporate. I want away from business casual bullshit and kissing ass and being punished for not doing it. I want out of the game because I’m tired of playing it and having it rigged for me to fail.

Fuck it. I’m going to go learn a trade, go to work, do my job, then go home and spend time with the cats and Ox.

Society: But it’s a step backward. You can do so much more. You’re better than that…

Fuck off and let me live my fucked up life, alright? Just… fuck off, with your judgements and standards and expectations. Live your own fucking perfect life and let me live my own battered and bruised one that’s nothing like what it was supposed to be when I was told to “envision my life” while I was still in fucking high school.

I’m angry. Still. I’m hurt, still. I don’t feel secure in “having a job” because I had one and then out of nowhere, BAM! No income, no preparation for joblessness, btw enjoy paying your rent lowly serf.

Yeah… must be nice being in higher management, not living paycheck to paycheck while the people doing good work get fucked.

Funny part to this whole story… Nelnet actually called me back Monday apologizing and asking me to come back…

Socially Acceptable Me: I have already accepted another position.

Rage-Filled me: No. Fuck you very much.

And if you’ve never heard Fuck You by Lilly Allen, here you go. You’re welcome.

Back to Nelnet asking me to come back… What? I’m going to come back so I can have a panic attack every day for eight hours wondering if THIS is the day I get laid off again?

Fuck that. I don’t buy into your core values anymore. I don’t buy into you “caring” about your employees. I was dropped so fucking fast I didn’t even know how to process it. I’m not going to come back. I CAN’T come back. I don’t trust you. To the point where I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust ANY employer again. At least I know I won’t for a really, really long time.

You TOTALLY fucked up my sense of self-worth.

Why, WHY would anyone go back after how you handled the situation? How could you have had the audacity to call me and think that saying sorry was going to be enough to fix all of the damage and fall out and uncertainty I was left alone to deal with over the past two weeks?

Go fuck yourself.

So yeah… I’m tentatively employed. I’m waiting to sign the papers to make it official. I’m terrified because he was supposed to call today, it’s 4pm and I haven’t heard anything. I fucking hate all of this. I’ve turned down other positions that pay more because he said I was highered and we would get the paperwork squared away.

I want to believe him. I truly do. We talked for an hour and a half in person. That’s not counting the time on the phone we were discussing things. I’ve lifted a windshield with them. I truly do think he is a man of his word who’s busy.

It’s so fucking hard to breath through the fear of being wrong, again. Of having said no to other things, to have fucked up other opportunities because I trusted.

Trust…

You know… this is where trust issues come from. From believing things, people, words, and then finding out you’re wrong and that wrongness fucking with your ability to survive.

“Trust issues” is really “self-preservation”. It depends on what side of the situation you’re on.

I don’t want to trust the Universe right now. But I really don’t have a choice. I’m in this story. I’m in this reality. The only thing I can do is keep breathing and course-correcting as I get new information.

I want to know where I’m going. I want to know where I belong. I want to know HOW everything will be ok. Not just blind faithing the crap out of “Everything WILL be ok.”

No mother-fucker. I want to know HOW. You owe me that much, Universe. And I know you don’t and I know you’re not going to give me answers because that’s not how any of this works. But you’re once again a mother-fucking son of a whore for this shit. I deserve to know HOW you intend for me to be ok. You want me to trust you with all your mystical bullshit of everything working out how it’s supposed to… How does being unemployed fucking help me? How does fucking with my sense of security HELP ME?!

I again, don’t have answers to anything. I’m just holding on, clinging, to something called “faith” and hoping that I don’t drown in the process. Holding my shit together is now a full-time, unpaid job. Fucking thanks for that. I’m my own charity case.

I hate it. I fucking hate it. Once I’m on the other side of this hard, I’ll appreciate the process and see how it helped me grow and all the lessons I learned and all that personal inner growth bullshit.

But right now, in this moment, I fucking hate the process. To my core, in my bones, fucking haaaaate it.

Evening Reflection 021: Work Work

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday feels like it was a waste. I did dishes before work. I didn’t go to the gym. I woke up tired. Didn’t help that I didn’t sleep well and it was cold and rainy and miserable. 

Super didn’t help that I was still feeling the financial pressure of my situation. 

I stayed at the rental not doing a whole lot. 

Logged into work. Didn’t to a whole lot there until later in the day. I have a lot of “On Demand” courses saved in their online training platform. Started working through a few of those. 

Ox came over after work. He gamed for a bit before taking a nap. Had his DnD session here which was mildly frustrating. 

I was still trying to do some of my coursework. I could hear him chatting with the group. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to do. 

Work ended. I tried going to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and started looking at Indeed for part-time jobs I might be able to do on the side to bring in extra money.

Ox and I talked this morning. He’s not ok with the things I mentioned. They would cut into our already limited time. He’s offered to help financially. The thought makes me want to cry. I want to be in a spot in life where I can afford my life. I wish I hadn’t over-extended myself on the promise of someone else holding up their end of the agreement. 

If I do accept Ox’s help, each time he helps the amount will get added to his Excel sheet for what I owe him back. I dislike this. I dislike all of it and I know it’s at least one of the factors feeding into my not ok-ness right now. 

I have counseling tomorrow. I really don’t feel like talking about anything. 

I’m in a mood and I haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet. 


Random Ramblings: Prompt 9-31
Think about the third biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

This is the one role where I feel ok. Like, legit ok and not an “I guess I accept where I’m at in life” type of ok.

I am a worker. A teammate. I excel at work because work is easy. You do what you’re told when you are told to do it and somehow that makes you an amazing employee. It’s sort of sad that doing the bare minimum at your job makes you stand out, let alone going above and beyond. 

My vision for work is to move up the ranks of advisor and then become a trainer. From there I would move into the Training and Development team where I could coach and mentor others. 

That is my goal. It’s not just a vision. It’s what I’m actively working on. That’s what leadership is helping me move towards. 

I was accepted as Team Captain last Friday. 

I want to help others overcome their fears and self-doubt to be amazingly awesome people. It’s what I loved about teaching so much. It’s what I loved about patient education. I love helping people be better, more whole. Maybe that’s my restoration strength shining through. 

By being higher than an entry-level 1 advisor, ideally, I would be making enough to pay off my debt and actually save money for an emergency fund and retirement (lawl, what’s that?). 

Moving up through the ranks and shifting my area of focus to an area more in line with my natural interests feels nice. I don’t want to be a supervisor or a team lead or any sort of management position. I don’t want to be in charge of people. I want to help people. 

That’s where I’ll end up. It’s just a matter of time and effort. For me it’s not a vision; it will be my reality.

I wish the rest of my roles felt this confident and secure. I wish work wasn’t the only thing I felt like I was good at. 

Evening Reflection 020: Isolating vs Connecting

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Daily Summary: 

Last night wasn’t awesome. I read my writing to Ox. I was already emotionally raw before I did. I was feeling vulnerable for sharing my “ideal” which I knew didn’t 100% line up with his or Bunny’s “ideal”. 

I felt shame and guilt over wanting something different. I felt trapped in a future that would have constant interaction with people and no solitude and a disastrous kitchen and all these horrific things that as an introvert I didn’t want. 

I don’t cohabitate with others well. I know I don’t. I’ve had almost 15 years’ worth of roommates to attest to not liking shared living environments and the fallout that goes along with it ending badly. 

Looking back at last night, I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t an awful person for wanting things that were different from other people. I wanted to know that the terrible extroverted future I was seeing for myself was fear and inaccurate. 

Instead, I got, “We don’t know what the future will be like.”

That’s fair. It’s an accurate statement. It left me feeling alienated with a nebulous, “The awfulness you’re picturing could happen,” bouncing around inside my head.

I couldn’t sleep for a really long time. I had a cry session while Ox slept next to me. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night. When Ox woke up to use the restroom he woke me up to give me a hug.

“You’re allowed to come back to the room.”

I don’t know why those words were the words I didn’t know I needed to hear, but it felt like even though I was up in my feels that I had permission to be next to him. Even if my wants were different, things were still ok. 

After that midnight wake up, things were better. I slept deeply after curling up in bed with Ox and the kittens. I didn’t dream about dead bodies and ruined lives. 

Ox and I slept in a little this morning. We were tired from cleaning and working in the addition the day before. We waited until after breakfast to get back to work. We finished putting up the joists in what will become the living area upstairs. We’re saving the insulation work for next weekend when the kids are here. There’s some work that will require the electric stapler which is something the kids might get a kick out of using. They both want to help and to be part of the project. Finding things that are within their ability at the moment is tricky, but this is one of the things they could help with, so we thought it better to call it good for now and wait on the rest of it. 

Ox and I showered after we were doing working. We packed up our things and the kittens and headed back to the rental. I convinced him to swing by a few Pokestops so I could complete one of my tasks in Pokemon Go. Totally not obsessing over the game… >.>;

I paid bills once I got the kittens situated and some other chores done. That sucked. With my brother’s contribution still up in the air, I feel the stress of financial insecurity pressing in around me.

I ended up talking with my dad for a while. The topic came up and I explained how moving with Jon went, about his previous lapse in paying rent, and now the current stress of him backing out of the agreement we had which would leave me screwed.

I’m already looking into things as back. I told my dad I feel like this is the lesson I’m supposed to learn in life; to keep boundaries around finances because no matter who it is, family, partner, friend, they’re going to screw you over. 

It sucks. So much of my life has been trying to figure out life after helping people financially only to be worse off for helping. It’s frustrating to be in this situation because I thought it would be different since Jon is my brother. But here I am, trying to deal with/cope with financial uncertainty because I wanted to help him get a house. 

And yet… he feels unloved and unsupported. 

I was supposed to see him today. He has my ladder which I need to finish painting the detail work in the bathroom. I let him borrow it so he would do work around the house only to be told that it wasn’t tall enough. So I’ve gone without my ladder for over a week now because gas is expensive and it’s too much to bring it back. 

That’s fair. I made plans to go out to his place today. I could load up the last bits of their stuff still lingering around the rental since they still haven’t come to get it. I could get my ladder in the process and knock out social time, too. All of the productiveness in one trip. 

When I messaged him, he didn’t reply. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. 

I’m not driving out of my way without communication. I don’t want to go there for them to not be home because their out shopping for stuff for the garden or something. I don’t have money to waste on gas either, especially when I’m most likely not going to have the support I was depending on when I signed the lease for this house. 

So instead I talked to my dad. It was a good phone call. I think he wasn’t getting the full picture, which isn’t surprising because that’s human nature. We tell the details that are “relevant”. Tell my dad my side of the story changes the situation he was being told. He’s not going to say anything to my brother which I appreciate. I don’t need more drama in that area of my life. I would rather just let Jon do his thing, since that’s what he’s going to do anyway, and figure it out. 

It was a little bit after I got off the phone with my dad that Jon called me. Ox and I were about to run to the store. Jon said he wasn’t going to be going to the birthday party he was originally going to go to. It’s why I had wanted to go to his place earlier in the day. I knew he had plans and was trying to be respectful about them.

That was around 2 in the afternoon. At 5 pm, I really don’t want to drive 30 minutes to hang out with someone I don’t want to see, to drive 30 minutes back to fall into bed so I can get attempt to get a decent amount of sleep before my kickboxing class. 

So I told Jon it wouldn’t work out for me to come this weekend. Could we see about next weekend? 

“I’m too tired to care atm. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Sort of a shitty text to get. I’m not going to waste emotional energy on it. I’m tired of feeling like it’s his world and I’m just a minion in it, obligated to be at his beck and call. 

Fuck that. I will enjoy the rest of my evening. I’ll do my writing. I’ll have dinner with Ox. I’ll spend time with the kittens. I’ll game for a bit and rest before having an awesome class tomorrow. I’ll be mentally ready for work. I’ll get the rest of my chores done. I’ll do all of these things because I didn’t go out of my way to make your life easier like I’ve been doing for so long. 

Instead, I’m going to make my life easier. For once, deal with your own shit and keep your petty comments to yourself. I’m tired of trying to hug a cactus. 

So that’s where I’m at. Intentionally not hugging a cactus and instead, I’m taking a break from gaming to write. It’s a nice evening and I’m not going to let someone else’s real or imagined emotional “not-okness” mess with mine. 

Why does family have to suck sometimes? >.<;


Random Ramblings: Prompt 8-31

Think about the second biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

The irony of this being the next prompt is not lost on me. 

My second biggest role is family member… and on look… one of my family member dynamics is on fire. Fml…

I feel like family is supposed to be the people you turn to when you need help. Not exactly financial help, though mom did that for all of us at one point or another. 

Family is supposed to be there to help you when you fall. Maybe it’s a shitty relationship ending, or work going to shit. Maybe it’s just needing to bitch about something to get it off your chest.

I don’t know. I think about the type of support mom was for me and I feel that’s the type of support family should be for each other. You stay connected. You talk. You visit. You laugh and cry and worry and figure things out. You have connective lunches or cups of morning coffee together. 

I want to be that for my family and I am extremely aware that I am not.

I am out of touch with my cousin. Until today I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. I hardly ever talk to my older brother and sister-in-law. I am not a figure in my nephew’s life. I wish I wasn’t a figure in my younger brother’s life. I haven’t talked to either of my uncles since my mom’s death…

How can I say I’m a family member at all?

All of my effort has been going to my younger brother, to be told he feels unloved and unsupported while he keeps going back on his word…

In my ideal “family fantasy”, I talk to my dad, cousin, and older brother more. I’m most likely a terrible person, but there are very few people I want to talk to in my family past that. I was never close to my uncles, I wasn’t very close to my dad’s family either. 

I want to focus on those three dynamics more and less on my brother. I want those people to know I care for them; that I truly love them. 

I want to visit my older brother. I want to hang out with my cousin like we did growing up. I want them to know I’m still here. 

Maybe this is all screwed up in my head right now because of the discord between me and Jon. 

I want to feel like I still have family even though mom is dead. I want to know I matter to them even if I don’t sacrifice my financial well-being to prove I love them. 

Maybe that’s what I need in this area. To reconnect with people who aren’t as toxic as my younger brother. 

Maybe I messed this section up. Maybe family member isn’t my second biggest role. If it isn’t, I don’t know what would be. I don’t know what else I am other than partner, family member, and worker. 

In my fantasy land, I am connected with my family because they love me for me, and I love them for them. It’s not from a sense of obligation or requirement. 

Much like my previous writing, I don’t know what I want from this one. I don’t know what I’ve found other than unease, vulnerability, and hurt; not just from my inaction within these dynamics but from the actions of my brother. 

These writings are supposed to help me find myself. Right now they are showing me my pain and that sucks. You can’t heal, grow past, or change something until you acknowledge what is actually going on. 

I’ve been isolating myself from the people I should connect with and connecting with the people I should be distancing myself from. 

That sucks. 

I’ll add it to the list of things to work on.