Month: December 2015

Daily Post 058: The Rest of the Day

Standard

Not much to report, even though I made it through two to-do lists yesterday. A lot of it was running around, and I was completely spent by the time I got home. Maybe it’s because not much has happened today, and I plan on keeping it that way.

 

Yesterday started with taking Zane to work. Then there was the vet visit which checked out fine. Scarlet’s eye is doing much, much better. I came home and wrote while I had the chance to.

 

I made my to-do list and went about tackling it. I started out by going to the bank and depositing the money Zane gave me for the phone bill. I had already paid it with the credit card, so Friday when I get paid I’m going to be transferring that amount along with my “extra payment” to the card. It helps keep everything straight inside of my head when I do it like that. Certain things happen on certain days. Money stuff always happens on paydays.

 

After the bank I went to the gas station to put air in the tires since they were low and affecting the gas mileage. I cleaned out the car while I was there even though to be honest it wasn’t that bad. I hoped across the street where I got thank you cards for Carol and Donna to have my coworkers sign, a card for Donna from me, and Christmas cards for my mom, John, and Lio. I really ought to go back and get one for Jason, too.

 

I went to Sports Authority once the cards were taken care of. Since I spent so much on the tops and the arm band I had earned enough points this year to get $20 off any purchase. Since I’m biking so much at night I wanted to get a new jacket, something bright that would stand out more then the darkish green one I have.

 

I ended up finding one I really like. It’s a light blue, warm, and has the little slots in the wrists for your thumb to go through. I’m going to keep my other jacket because it’s a bit thinner. But I’m looking forward to biking home in my new one tonight. I’m hopping it’s cool enough to use it. That’s an odd thing for me to wish for, I know. It won’t happen often I’m sure.

 

Between the $20 credit that I had and the sales going on I got the jacket half off, so I was feeling pretty thrifty when I left the store.

 

I had been messaging Zane a bit and offered to stop at Bath and Body Works for him since he needed to get a gift for his Secret Santa thing at work and I was super close to the store. He said sure. Something tropical scented would work, and under $20. I could do that. I can girl at least that much.

 

Apparently I can’t though because the store that used to be inside of the mall closed. So much lame.

 

Since I couldn’t take care of that I went back towards school to put the cat carrier back in the storage unit. I took my gi with me too, the outfit I wear for aikido and taekwondo. It has been sitting on my closet shelf for all of these months. I still plan on going back into the new year, but having the space in the closet to fold my pants is nice. It keeps all of my stuff in one area rather than having to do some intricate dance around the room to get to everything I need. I would rather think of it as an efficiency thing rather than laziness.

 

I took a handful of shirts to storage too. My polos with the school’s logo on them, and an Army shirt that I got when my brother graduated boot camp. I don’t wear those often. And by often I mean ever. But I don’t want to get rid of them either. So to storage they went.

 

After storage I ran back to CVS to get a bow to put on the fridge at work. I had meant to get it when I had gotten the cards but forgot. I found the perfect one though. A big golden bow that would contrast nicely with the black and silver of the fridge.

 

By then it was time for me to get to work. I was starving. I hadn’t had anything to eat since 7am and it was almost 1pm. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but I’ve been eating every two hours for the past how ever many months. I was feeling sick and already having a headache form.

 

Traffic was awful though since classes were starting. And all of the fast food places around the school had massive lines. So I ended up not getting food on the way to work. Instead I parked in front of my building and went into the break room to put the bow on the fridge and set the cards out.

 

Ari and Bre where in the break room with a few people and asked what I was up to, so I explained my plan with the cards. Bre said that I deserved to get a card too since it was my idea. I brushed it off. I really don’t want anything other than for my co-workers to not hate work. I think the fridge will help with that. At least now we can have food. There’s even a freeze so I could bring some of those healthy frozen lunches and stash them at work. I could actually have warm food instead of a prepackaged tuna lunch every once in a while. Oh man. So much excite.

 

Anyway, I was already running on fumes from not sleeping well, still recovering from social weekend, and being out and about so much before work, and not eating. Let’s not forget that part.

 

Lab was super draining more because I had two people eat up close to an hour of my time each. Not that either of them were bad, I wasn’t prepared to give that much energy though.

 

After I was able to worm my way out of the conversations I asked Frank if I could get food. He was awesome and let me go. I offered to get him something while I was out, but he declined and side he would get something when I got back, which I was cool with.

 

I went to Wendy’s and got a chicken sandwich with a side of chili. Not the best food ever but I’m hoping the chili was a smidgen better than fries on the health scale.

 

I ate in the break room, enjoying my silence before going back and finishing up the lab. I figured out the Verizon box while I was there, so all that needs is to be taped up and shipped out. I signed the cards I had bought, and went online to purchase a cat calendar for my mom.

 

It’s sort of a tradition for us. My mom used to buy my grandmother a 365 day cat calendar for Christmas every year. After my grandmother passed away I started buying it for my mom. She always loved it when my grandmother saved cute cat pictures to show her from the calendar, and I wanted her to still be able to have something like that. So now I get it for her and we share silly cat pictures.

 

Since I have the cross stitch I need to mail my older brother I figured I would mail everything together in one box. Letters, gifts, and all. Down side… I don’t know what to get for my sister in law. We’re not very close, and we’re nothing alike. So I sent an email to my mom asking for her advice.

 

Yesterday was the day my mom flew to Vegas. So she no longer lives in South Carolina. She’s with my brother and sister in law and hours, days, away from me. It hasn’t sunk in yet, or if it has it’s merely information. I don’t feel much towards it at the moment. Knowing my luck it will hit on my birthday or something like that. Lame.

 

Regardless, I wasn’t expecting a reply from her yesterday since I figured she would be tired from traveling. I got a short note at the end of the day saying she would reply more later. It was good to know she made it to Vegas in one piece. I can worry a little less about her now that she’s around family.

 

By then lab was done. I got into the car and headed to Zane’s work to pick him up. When I had told him about the Bath and Body Works store being closed we made plans to go to the one near his work as a way to avoid some of the rush hour traffic.

 

We both were beat up from our days. We decided to do dinner while we were out. I got Chinese, he got ice cream… because that’s dinner… Regardless, it was nice to sit down outside and spend time together. He told me about some of the calls he took, venting about the frustrating ones. I listened.

 

When we were done we walked to the store and found something for this co-worker, stood in line for about 10 minutes, which felt like forever, then walked back to the car. There was a bunch of Christmasy stuff going on in the parking lot, including a children’s choir. I suppose I should mention the area we went to is an outdoors type mall thing. Tons of stores, tons of people, tons of traffic and crazy drivers who don’t know how to drive… Both Zane and I were glad that I was the one driving. He would have gotten hardcore pissed otherwise.

 

We went to Best Buy to see how many points we had accumulated for purchasing the PS4. Zane wants to get a second controller and a game for both of us to play. They had a crap selection for games, and the controller is $40. We’ve earned something like $20 with our points. We decided that we would check for games online at some point, but agreed that we didn’t want / need anything at the moment so we left to go home.

 

Zane went to sleep pretty much right when we got in. I wasn’t all that tired yet, but Zane was sleeping in the room and Trevor and Danielle were in the kitchen cooking, so I didn’t really have anywhere to go where I could be alone. I wanted to cross stitch, preferably in silence, and that wasn’t going to happen at the apartment.

 

I packed up and headed back out to school where I camped out in the break room. It was great. I’ve gotten pretty far on Bilbo. I was hoping to finish him off last night, but got too tired to make it that far.

 

I checked my email before leaving work and saw that I had the reply from my mom, but also a reply message from one of my blogging buddies who I hadn’t heard from in a few months. It was so fantastic to know she was doing ok. At least ok enough to write an email. I’ll be able to mail her cross stitch gift to her just in time for my birthday, which makes me super happy. I really can’t think of another gift I would rather have. Making someone else happy would make me way happier than receiving a material gift.

 

So that was awesome.

 

Eventually I went to sleep on the couch. I woke up at some point and went back to the room where Zane and I cuddled. He woke up for work saying how awesome it was to have slept for 12 hours. I made some unintelligible sound, rolled over, and proceeded to sleep my own 12 hour sleep. Which, yes, it was amazing. A long, uninterrupted sleep was exactly what I needed.

 

I didn’t make it to the gym yesterday. Or bike. And I really don’t care. With everything else I was able to get done, I’m happy.

 

Today is actually a bright and sunny day. I sat outside drinking my coffee (at one in the afternoon, but we’ll gloss over that fact) soaking in the warm sunlight. It has just the barest touch of summer warmth to it. It did wonders for me. I don’t feel crazy hyped up, but I feel warmer, more with it than I have the past few days.

 

I still feel a little tired, but it’s an awake tired if that makes any sense. Like, it’s a low key, low energy day, but there’s a positive vibe to it and I know it’s going to be a good day. A lazy recovery type of day.

 

I want to bike to school around 3 so I can get some sunlight in me on the way to work. Since it’s so warm at the moment I doubt I will wear my jacket, but I’m going to pack it incase I need it tonight.

 

I don’t plan on doing much of anything today other than going to my lab where I’ll work more on the cross stitch. I don’t really have a goal with it right now other than maybe finishing Bilbo and the first B in the title. I don’t want goals today though to be honest.

 

My main goal for this whole week is to just survive it. At the end of this week I’ll have three weeks of vacation. Three weeks of soul searching and figuring out all of these emotions that I keep having to put on the back burner. Three weeks of mostly being alone during the day and having the apartment to myself.

 

That’s my light at the end of the tunnel. It’s so close. Less than three days. I can do this. I can make it.

 

So with that I guess I should go so I can shower and get to work. I’m looking forward to my ride. There doesn’t seem to be much wind so I’m hoping it’s a fast ride.

Daily Post 057: The Vet Visit

Standard

Scarlet has already been to the vet. She’s doing fine. There’s no sign of a scratch or cat attack to her eye so most likely she just rubbed against something or got something icky in it.

 

It actually looked a lot better this morning, but still sort of weepy and swollen and I didn’t want to play games with it.

 

The vet said she looks amazing for her age and was super complementary about how pretty she is.

 

I mentioned how she seems to be waddling, and how she gets grumpy sometimes when I pet her hip region. Also how she doesn’t seem to be jumping as much. Apparently that’s normal in older cats. They can develop arthritis, but Scarlet seems to be doing fine.

 

She’s gained a bit of weight actually, and losing weight is usually the #1 sign of an issue. She’s up-to-date on all her shots still, so really things are going good. I was given some eye drops to give her twice a day for 5 days, but that was it.

 

It was so cute. Scarlet doesn’t like being outside of the home, and always tries to hide when we’re in the vet office. She does amazingly well. Doesn’t make a huge fuss, or hiss, or try to run away. Just snuggles super close to me.

 

I had my Army hoodie on this morning since it was a little chilly outside, so while we were waiting on the vet I unzipped it, wrapped Scarlet up against my chest, and zipped the hoodie back up so only her head was poking out. We sat like that, huddled together, on the bench in the room while we waited for the vet to come in.

 

I’m glad it’s over and done. I’m glad that Scarlet is doing well. She’s my baby.

 

I suppose from her perspective it’s a shitty Christmas present.

Me: Merry Christmas! Here is a crate that I am going to stuff you inside of and then drive you to a foreign environment where they are going to poke and prod you and drop weird stuff into your eye ball. I promise this is all because I love you and has nothing to do with me wanting to torment you.

 

We only hurt the ones we love, right?

 

Right now she’s curled up on the bed in my fortress of sheets and pillows. Too cute.

 

Yesterday was an alright day. Today is an alright day do, just tired still for whatever reason.

 

I got more work done on the cross stitch. Not as much as I wanted, but more than nothing. Zane cooked dinner. Lemon dill quail with black rice. It was tasty. We watched another episode of Beautiful Bones which is a new anime we started. I actually really like it. Not as much as Ergo Proxy or Attack on Titan. But it’s really good and I love the main character. I can relate to her.

 

Since I have the car I have a list of things I want to do before having to go into work. I guess I should get on that before I run out of time.

 

Oh! Something amazing happened at work yesterday!

 

We got a full sized fridge for the break room! Finally! Only like, 10 months after I asked for it. : D

 

So much happy.

 

One of my errands is to pick up cards for Donna and Carol since I know they had a huge part in constantly requesting the funds for it. I also want to get a bow to put on the fridge so everyone knows that it’s a gift for us. I plan on leaving the cards in the break room for a few days so everyone can have a chance to sign them. I’m going to get a personal card from just me, too. Donna and Carol both do so much for me and my crazy ideas. I want them both to know that I appreciate their time and effort. I couldn’t get half the stuff I wanted done if it wasn’t for them, and I know that.

 

Alright. Enough gushing. I have a cup of coffee to finish and shit to do. Need to make the most of the car while I have it.

 

I suppose it’s worth noting that I still plan on biking to work. And if I can’t due to time constraints then I will be biking to the gym after picking Zane up from work. Because biking.

 

I’m already at something like 90 miles for December. I need to make it to 200. >.<

 

Musing Moment 0076: The Starlight Blogger Award

Standard

award

 

An award given to celebrate creative bloggers who have truly inspired others through their beautiful and original content, imagery, art, abilities, and wonderful personalities.

 

What an amazing thing to wake up to this morning. Thank you so much Ally for your nomination and continued support. It helped brighten my day since the sun seems set on not being helpful in that regard. : )

 

The Rules:

Thank the person who nominated you.
Answer the posted questions.
Nominate six amazing blogs.

 

My Answers:

What is one social issue that you’re really interested in or passionate about?

Hmm… Just one is hard. There are so many things that I care about. Music and the arts in schools. The level of education of people in general and the dated concept that you have to have a college degree to be “smart” or a “productive member of society”. The LGBT movement. Acceptance, anti-Photoshoped ads, and minimalist lifestyles. Psychology and sociology in general and how understanding different personality types can help foster better communication.

 

You know… things… and stuff…

 

If you could have one wish granted, what would you wish for?

This might not be the warm fuzzy response that people want or expect, but right now, if I could literally have any wish, just one impossible, hopeless dream granted, it would for my mom to be ok.

 

What is one thing you really appreciate in other people?

Understanding. Empathy. Open-mindedness. Patience. Uniqueness. Conviction. Determination. Hope. Kindness. Sadness. Happiness. Authenticity. Wisdom. Honesty. Human error. Flaws. Vulnerability. Fear. Pain and sorrow.

 

I appreciate the stories and experiences people have had that shape them into who they are. I appreciate when someone takes the time to share those stores with me, when they give me a chance to connect with them on a deeper level. I appreciate when someone gives me their time, a part of their life that they’ll never be able to get back.

 

My Nominees:

The Shaming of the Shrew
Backstage Stitches
Storyshucker
Runner With a Blog
INFJoe
D is for Doodle

 

My Questions:

What is the wisest thing you have heard someone say?
What, for you personally, makes life meaningful?
Who do you look up to and why?

 

There’s no obligation to accepting this award. I think they’re fun and I like passing them along to others when I receive them. Hopefully you guys like playing along, too. : )

Daily Post 056: Another Weekend Recap

Standard

I feel a little out of sorts. Slow. Cluttered. Unorganized and not caring that mentally I’m sitting at a desk stacked with papers, each one a chore, an item I should add to my to-do list. One which I haven’t made.

 

I’m sure if I did I would feel more organized. I would have a battle plan. An idea of what ought to happen and when. I haven’t made a list since last Tuesday. Almost a full week.

 

I didn’t do a weekly saga last week. I doubt I’ll do one this week. Just not feeling like giving myself the extra hassle right now, especially since I still haven’t updated the file like I want to.

 

I haven’t updated Runkeeper for a while either. So I know I’m short at least 20 miles. Not including any of the running that I did.

 

I really don’t know what I want right now. I’m tired because the weekend was so social. I’m tired because it’s winter. I’m tired because I feel like I have a lot to do, and I don’t feel like adulting right now. I’m tired because I’m whining and that takes mental effort that I could be applying to something actually productive instead of writing run on sentences of doom that really don’t do much of anything to make me feel better, but are kind of fun once you get them going because you wonder how long you can make it go. Apparently that long, though I’m sure I could have made it longer if I had really tried.

 

I actually didn’t need to bike to school Friday. It was admin hours. So basically I hyped myself up, saying how if I was awesome and how if I biked to work for lab and biked all the way back home how I would take it easy over the weekend. No gym, no biking, no running. Just lots of rest.

 

So I biked to work like a badass, went to the lab room… and there’s already a class in it… Um… So I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be here… let me look at the schedule….

 

Nope. I could have totally stayed home and not biked at all. FML XD

 

I felt a lot better after the ride though. It was a nice day outside and the ride helped warm me up.

 

Since I was at work I figured I would actually… I don’t know… do work or something lame like that… so I set up shop in the break room and updated Marcus’ commission like I wanted. I actually got that completely finished, sent it off to him and a few other people because I was feeling proud of myself, and got his approval. He loves it.

 

He actually was on campus so we chatted for a bit, then I went upstairs to print out the file before heading home. Of course there were a few changes I wanted to make… and just let me tweak that one thing real fast… and oh look… my computer’s battery just died and I didn’t save any of my work…

 

So… yeah… that happened. I restarted my computer to see how much work I had lost. All of the lettering, but since I knew how I wanted to do it re-creating it wasn’t going to take as long. It was just finding the motivation to redo work I had just done… which wasn’t going to happen that night.

 

I biked back home instead.

 

Zane and I have come to an agreement. We’re not allowed to fight about stuff in the past. We can use previous events to establish patterns for why a current action or situation bothers us. But if something isn’t brought up in a timely manner, then it’s not fair to bring it up during a fight weeks later. We’re both guilty of that. So it’s a good rule for both of us.

 

Things have been going better for the past three-ish days.

 

Saturday I had lunch with Luis. Then Hannah came over for movie night. We ended up watching the Dark Crystal and then the new Muppets show. It’s cute. Not amazing. But cute.

 

I worked on stitching Marcus’ commission during the whole evening. I am so happy to be working on it for real. I guess it’s worth mentioning that I redid all of the work I had lost.

 

Oh. Saturday I also went to the storage unit to drop some stuff off and to go through all of the frames I have. Since I was part of the art show last year I have a bunch of frames that I got from Ika. I though that I had one that would fit Marcus’ cross stitch, so he wouldn’t have to worry about finding one, and I did. Huzzah.

 

I also went to Michael’s for some thread that I needed. I got a larger cross stitch frame while I was there. It’s not a frame like one you hang on the wall. I’m actually not sure if it’s really called a frame, but it’s what I use to keep the fabric taut while I’m working with it. I have a small frame which has been fine for the little projects I’ve been doing. The one for Marcus is almost two feet long though, so I wanted something that would give me more area to work with, rather than having to reposition my working area constantly.

 

Since I was right next to an Office Max I also got ink for the printer and new pens for Zane since his other ones went through the wash and didn’t survive.

 

So that was nice.

 

Zane and I had some pretty deep conversation after Hannah left. I asked what made our relationship special. Like, things that only “we” did. It was a pretty sad list to be honest.

 

We fight. And jokingly insult each other with things like, “Your face.” Yep. Totally a warm and fuzzy relationship.

 

I’m supposed to remember the good times we’ve had, and think about why they were good. What I liked about them. Things that we used to do that we don’t do anymore. We’re supposed to talk about that in a few days to see how we can get back to our “good days”.

 

We’re actively working on us and that makes me feel good.

 

Sunday was another busy day. Zane and I went to Moe’s for lunch. Their grill was broken so I had to have chicken on my nachos instead of steak. It wasn’t awful, but it was different. I’m not sure I’ll willingly get chicken again.

 

We went to Target next. Zane got boxers and socks. I got new panties, finally. They actually had packs of normal, black, microfiber panties. And there is a part of me who is mildly ashamed for equating that to the Holy Grail inside of my head, but there you go. I’m insanely easy to please when it comes to somethings. Just make it ridiculously hard to find what I want and I’ll be eternally grateful. XD

 

I hadn’t realized how much weight I had lost until I put the new ones on. I hadn’t realized how loose my old ones were, and how nice it is to have ones that fit well. Warm fuzzy feels.

 

We looked at free weights while at Target. I might get a set of 10 pounds to have at home. We also found a stone cutting board that Zane really liked. I might get that for him later.

 

I have two boxes I need to pick up from the office. I know at least one is from my mom. The other one might be the box from Verizon to trade in my phone. The new tags for my car came in so I need to put that sticker on my car tonight. I need to make Clavan’s frame.

 

There’s a bunch of stuff that I “need” to do, and right now a nap sounds amazing. Blah. It’s another cold, cloudy day, where I want to crawl back into bed because at least there it’s warm.

 

My friend messaged me about how she may become a surrogate mother. That lead to a long email about my opinion of the situation and how I would support her which ever decision she goes with.

 

I think my brother is going through some stuff. I talked to my mom Friday and she said that because he’s failed his PT test so much that the Army is getting ready to process him out. I’m not sure if it’s for real or just a scare tacit, but I’m going to reach out to him shortly and see how he’s doing.

 

I ought to cook lunch, or breakfast really since I haven’t had that yet. I did have coffee… and might go for another cup since I have no motivation to leave the computer.

 

I did run the dishwasher earlier, so I could put the dishes away if I were feeling frisky. The laundry is still sitting in the laundry basket, so I should do something about that, too…. Lame…

 

Though that does remind me about something super cute that made me smile like a school girl.

 

When Zane and I got back home from the errands yesterday it was raining, so we left the laundry in the car for a bit. Later that night we were talking about the chores that needed to happen before the game started, and getting the laundry was mentioned.

 

Me: Go out with me. (clearly referring to the laundry in the context of the conversation)

Zane: We’re already going out.

 

Gah. There are some times where he can be amazingly romantic and make me melt. That was one of those times.

 

One project I have mostly finished is the character sheet for Uke’s game. I turned the pdf into a form with Adobe Acrobat Pro. It was way easier than I thought it would be, and there are very minor changes that I want to make. Mostly in regards to the font size, though I am also going to change the check boxes from using check to being filled in squares. I think that will look nicer and clearer due to the size on the form. The tiny checks are hard to see. I’m super pleased with the way it has turned out though.

 

Something is up with Scarlet’s eye, so making a vet appointment for tomorrow is also on the list of things to do. I’ve already mentioned to Zane that I may be taking him to work. I may have to miss the lab with Frank depending on what times they have.

 

She’s not opening her left eye all the way and it’s sort of weepy. It’s not like the infection she had about four years ago where it was swollen and red and clearly something was wrong. But I don’t like it and I want her to get looked at.

 

I’m sure there are other things…

 

Alright… I’m going. I’m going… To the kitchen for more coffee.

Daily Post 055: Resolution

Standard

So I really don’t know where to start.

 

It’s Friday. The last time I wrote was Wednesday, about halfway through the day. It feels like ages ago. Yesterday was nothing but a ball of rage where I started writing on two different occasions only to stop halfway through due to new developments that made me want to set my computer on fire.

 

Yesterday was actually only the second, maybe third time, where I’ve written but not posted. I view all of my writing as important and worth keeping / posting. It’s glimpses into my brain. Glimpses that I need so I can better understand myself.

 

There’s part of me that regrets deleting those writings, yet at the same time I think that it was better that they existed and then were spent, much like the emotions which sparked the writings to begin with.

 

I feel like yesterday was very much a “shadow” day. My shadow traits, the things that come out under stress and pressure, especially during fighting. The things that make you look around and wonder who could have possibly done those things, said those things? The actions that seem so out of character that it couldn’t possibly be us.

 

But it is. It’s our shadow. It’s our repression and all of the negative things we try to shove away because they’re not “good”. It’s why there’s the schism in our brains with the good angle on one shoulder and the evil devil on the other.

 

I haven’t spent as much time as I should on integrating my shadow into my self. That’s why it still seizes me sometimes. Takes over. It’s part of me though. It’s not another person. It’s not a different personality.

 

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to accept. Why a lot of people turn a blind eye to it. It’s not the good stuff. It’s the icky stuff. Selfishness, jealousy, anger, dejection. We don’t like admitting that we feel those things. We’re not supposed to want vengeance. We’re not supposed to wish ill on others, or crave what they have. We’re not supposed to put ourselves first.

 

We’re often told at a very young age that these feelings are bad, and so we try to disassociated them from ourselves. But they’re still there. They’re still part of who we are, and I feel the more we acknowledge that, the better off we are. The more whole we are.

 

So since last year I’ve been making small efforts to do that. I acknowledge when I’m sad way more often than I used to. I accept the fact that I hurt. That I am angry. That I feel wronged and that I want justice. Retribution. That I am something other than ok, because it’s ok to not be ok.

 

By acknowledging those emotions they have less power. They can’t be sneaky ninjas that come in and highjack my brain and make me do stupid shit that I regret later. I’m able to better understand where some of my compulsions come from.

 

Brain: Ah, this need is stemming from fear. This one is stemming from jealousy.

 

By understanding the root cause I can make calmer, less compulsive decisions.

 

And I say (type) all of this out after an insanely rough day emotionally. One where Zane and I fought and I offered to move out. Neither of us want that. Not only on a companionship level, but on a logical “Where would you go, how would either of us be able to pay rent” level.

 

We adult great together. Both of us are realistic and left brained when it comes to matters of life. It’s the romantic side of things that is screwing everything up, and last night, while in the grips of anxiety over the fighting and anger, while the “I’m never able to do anything right” mentality was in full swing, offering to move out was the quickest, easiest solution to making it all stop.

 

Anxiety: Just give up. Stop trying. Leave. That’s how to make it stop. Just remove yourself from the situation and go back to be alone.

 

But that’s not what I want, no matter how much that annoying, deceiving voice whispers to me. I know that’s not what I want. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to live with people I don’t know. I don’t want to move my stuff again. I don’t want to find a new routine.

 

I want to stay here. I want to stay with Zane. I want to keep biking to work. I want to stay near my dojo so in the new year I can begin going again.

 

I don’t want the core of my world to change. I just want this relentless fighting to stop.

 

And I know the fighting stems from both of us hurting. We’re wounded and so we lash out at each other because we hurt. It’s like any other animal after a fight. Someone may be trying to help, but instinct says to attack. To bite and claw and snarl dripping fangs. To protect yourself while your vulnerable.

 

Every little thing sets us off. His word choice. My tone. The smallest infraction is an enormous mountain of disrespect and unthoughtfulness. And maybe that has to do with our personality types.

 

Maybe we’re projecting on each other. I’m internally angry so I’m seeing anger everywhere. At least when it comes to Zane. The moments of happiness, laughter, closeness, those don’t exist. I can’t see them, remember them, when I begin to see red and anger everywhere. I can’t remember what it felt like for him to hug me when all I can feel is the pain of when he walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him after a fight.

 

We talked last night. A heated, passionate talk, but I don’t really think it was fighting. And maybe I should clarify. There was fighting in the beginning. He said to go away if I didn’t want to be there, and so I left, going to the bathroom because that’s the only place in the apartment where I can shut a door, putting distance between myself and the world. There was self-harm involved. And I own up to that fact and my part in the argument. I apologize for nothing because I’m not going to apologize for doing my best and coping even if it isn’t the way some people would want me to, or view as “right”.

 

Afterwards, when we were back in the room, him on the bed, me with my back against the bedroom door, we talked. We let everything out. In the end he held me while I cried. He said to cry until it was gone, and I gave a small laugh while saying that wasn’t going to happen.

 

I think there’s still a lot of built up stuff in regards to my mom. It still hurts when I think about it. I won’t be able to get vacation time to see her before she leaves for Vegas. I won’t see her for my birthday or Christmas, and every day I still wake up and wonder if this is going to be her last. I still hurt over not being able to save her from her own body.

 

I think some of it has to do with the apartment as well. With the lease coming up and the changes that are going to happen. Hannah may be moving in. It would be temporary. She graduates in six months and though she doesn’t know what she will be doing afterwards, it is very likely she will try to move elsewhere. Uke may also move in still. It would be great if he did. If both of them did. Rent between four people would be so much better than rent between three.

 

The down side is that I would not have my own room. Something I was desperately looking forward to. And I think there was a lot of anxiety there. Actually. I know there was a lot of anxiety there. I know that has been one of the things making me cringe every time Zane and I fight. I keep thinking about how I will be locked into a lease for another year where I come home and have no space of my own. No door I am able to shut to have the silence and space that I need. I will constantly be coming home to more stress and discord. I won’t have anywhere to go. No safe space.

 

I mentioned this, finally, last night to Zane as we were cuddling, my back to his chest, his arms around me. I asked if I could have the master bedroom’s closet as my room. I know that may sound weird, but I like the idea. I don’t want or need a lot of space, and the room I had when I lived with my mom was half the size of the room I’m in right now. It literally was just as big as the closet. It could be my little hide away. My book nook, my craft room, full of pillows and my stitching stuff where I can go to listen to my audio books, as far away from the living room and other people as I can get. My space, and mine alone.

 

Zane is ok with the idea. And since one of the bookcases I have is actually a closet storage thing, we could set it up in the master bedroom, attaching the bar to the wall so he still has a place to hang his shirts, and put his pants and stuff. We could get the drawer attachments incase he doesn’t want to leave his boxers and socks on an exposed shelf, though I don’t think he would really care.

 

Knowing that I will still have a “spot” makes it seem more ok. It makes me feel less trapped.

 

We cuddled for a bit longer before getting up. I was hungry and thirsty. Zane wanted to get in some Fallout time. I also needed to finish working on my commission. After eating I got my computer and worked in the living room, sitting in front of the couch, close to Zane so I could lean back every once in a while and touch him.

 

Marcus wants Smaug to be a little bit bigger, which is fine. I’ve also thought of an idea last night for incorporating the title into the design. I totally can’t wait to work on it more today. I think it’s going to turn out amazing.

 

I also got two amazing messages this morning. One from a friend that I went to school with. His company is looking for a setup artist to create some rigs they are going to need in the new year. I could potentially be making an extra $2500 for this project. I have already updated my resume and sent him my information, so we’ll see what his supervisors say. But that’s pretty awesome to even be considered for the work. It would also be another 5 months worth of experience I can list on my resume.

 

Clavan sent David and me a text message saying he was going to place a work order requesting Wacom tablets for us. Yay new technology stuff!

 

And a bit of news I don’t think I ever wrote about, Shrew received the cross stitch I made for her. So that was fantastic knowing that her gift made it to her safe and sound.

 

Training with Terri went well yesterday. Intense, but well. I’m completely dead today and hoping that I’m able to get the last 7ish miles of my week done. I’ve already made the decision to not go to the gym. I need a day of recovery.

 

I got to make Star Wars snowflakes at work yesterday with Bre and Ari during an impromptu arts-and-crafts time. The only way it could have gotten better was if there were milk and cookies involved.

 

Bre and Alex may be joining me in the Warrior Dash.

 

I’m still losing weight, running better, lifting more, and in general being a healthier better me.

 

There’s a lot of positive stuff going on. There really is. And I’m glad I’m taking the time this morning to remember all of it.

 

There was one thing that was said last night by Zane that is really sticking with me at the moment. Like a song on repeat only there’s no music… just words. Maybe that’s better because if it was sung to something like “Do you want to build a snowman?” I think would be in jail for murder by now.

 

Anyway, he said that we don’t need to learn to communicate better. We need to learn to communicate with each other. We both communicate great in all sorts of situations. But lately we’re having meltdowns between each other, and that’s where we need to focus on improving.

 

It changed my perspective from “I’m bad and all of the effort I’ve been putting in isn’t good enough” to, “I’m not bad. But there’s always room for improvement. “

 

I like that mentality more, so that’s the one I’m going to stick with.

 

And with that I guess I really should stop sitting here with cold toes and go shower. Or sit outside since it’s actually sunny today.

Daily Post 054: Wednesday So Far

Standard

I wish today wasn’t hard. But it is, and I’m dealing with it.

 

I don’t feel like going back over yesterday. Maybe I will later, but right now I’m angry and I need to write that out of my system before moving forward. I need these feelings to have some sort of closure before I go to work where I’ll have to interact with people. I need to not set someone’s world on fire just because I have unresolved feelings in my own.

 

Zane and I still aren’t on the same page so there’s the ickiness with that. I had lunch with Ari, which actually went really well but had it’s own batch of anxiety and worry to add to the day. At least it was the first thing I did… Alright… waking up and showering were the first things… but I didn’t eat or have coffee before having to dash out the door, so in my book, it was the first thing because nothing actually happens before caffeine has been applied to my system.

 

She wants to hang out and do dinner still. Alone. So far I’ve been able to keep things in a daylight, public setting.

 

The interaction actually had no sexual vibes or comments at all. It was like we were just friends. She’s going through a rough time herself and is doing some soul searching. She said that she realized she was looking towards other people for happiness rather than looking within herself. I’m so happy that she found that on her own. I’m happy that she is working on her. She mentioned how she’s not looking for a committed relationship because she knows she needs to get right with herself first. It was all extremely encouraging to hear.

 

I’m hoping these revelations will not only help her find a better sense of self, but also ease over the tension that has been between us the past few years.

 

I confided in Zane earlier about my insecurity when it comes to our sexual relationship. His response was for me to stop worrying about nonsense, so at the moment I’m swinging between feeling hurt, which sucks, and being angry because my feelings are being disregarded.

 

Since feeling hurt sucks I’m finding myself being angry, which I really don’t want to be, but it’s better than sad.

 

I thought about not going to the gym. It was windy. It was super over cast. It was cold.

 

Sad Me: Why does it have to be winter and cold? Why does it have to look like it’s going to rain? Why do I have to go to work when all I want to do is go home and cry and feel sorry for myself?

 

Realistic Me: Just fucking man up and bike to the gym. You know it will make you feel better.

 

Angry Me: Fine. Fuck you, Brain. I’ll bike to the gym. I’ll bike. And then I’ll run. And then I’ll lift weights. And then I’ll do something else. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll go until I’m so tired that I have to crawl back to work. And it will serve you right for not letting me sit here and sulk. You’ll think twice about making me do this next time. Mark my words, Brain. You’ll regret this! /mentally shakes fist as she diligently gets on said bike…

Threats lose a bit of their intimidation factor when you’re compliant with the opposing party…

 

So I went to the gym. It was a decent ride that started the flow of endorphins. I still felt like I had a ton of weigh on my shoulders. I was still sad and angry. I ran for .9 miles. I am still doing two minute intervals. I’m doing more of them though, double what I was, and at a faster pace. Towards the end I had to walk a bit more, but I felt like it was good progress.

 

I did 4 rounds on the leg machines. The first set was the hardest. As I made it through my rounds the weight felt lighter and lighter… Pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I didn’t feel burnt out like I wanted, so I went back to the treadmill and ran for another .75 mile, and most of this was running. A solid four minutes and quarter mile. I thought that was really good. Especially for me. Doubly especially after doing everything else I had already done.

 

Yeah. I’m a badass. Fuck emotional discord. I eat emotional discord for breakfast.

 

Currently I’m back at work. I still have 3.5 miles to bike at the end of the night, but I’m looking forward to it. I want to do it. I want to go run more. I’m hyped up on endorphins and not caring at the moment about much of anything else.

 

Zane’s a Thinker, and I’m a Feeler. INTJ vs. INFJ. When I want emotional closeness I get facts and logic, and that’s just who he is. I accept that. I also accept that I don’t have to feel bad, so I’m not going to.

 

I know I need to spend a lot more time, more than an angry workout session, thinking about where I want this to go, but right now I’m not going to let a person that I’ve known for six months make me feel bad and unloved.

 

Why is it that relationships with significant others can undermine so much? Why do they feel more important than the relationships with family members, or friends of 15 years? Why is it so easy to forget that love and support when told “Stop worrying about nonsense.”

 

Well you know what? I’m not going to let myself forget that. I’m not going to let myself feel like today is a waste because I didn’t get a warm fuzzy response when I wanted one.

 

Right now I’m going to focus on how awesome I did at the gym. I’m going to focus on the fact that I might actually be able to run my first solid mile by the end of the month. I’m going to focus on the fact that the squats I did didn’t tear my legs up and that I was still able to bike back to school without a crazy amount of muscle pain. I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m about to begin work on my first commissioned cross stitch pattern. I’m going to focus on the fact that I have 4 years of industry experience regardless of what is accepted by the verification form. I’ve had scripts online for download since 2011. Screw the school if that doesn’t count to them. It counts to me. It counts to the hundreds of people who have downloaded my stuff. It counts to the people who have commented about how they love them, and how their studio uses my work, and how it’s made a huge difference for them.

 

I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m an amazing person and that I don’t need someone else to validate my awesomeness. Not my trainer, not my supervisor, not the school, not even Zane.

 

The only person who can say I’m not awesome is myself, and you know what? I’m not going to say it. Because I’m not going to lie to myself. I am awesome, and screw these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt and hurt and dejection.

 

I haven’t made my to-do list yet today. And honestly I might have another cup of coffee. Not because I need to be any more wired, but because the warmth would in all actually help sooth me. Holding the cup in my hands, breathing in the scent, finding a corner to sit in alone, or maybe outside at one of the tables listening to music.

 

I know right now I’ve swung from anger to something else. I feel like I’m ready for battle. I feel like I’m in an aggressive mindset. Not really hostile, but I wouldn’t think twice about cutting someone down if they tried to belittle me at the moment, no matter how illogical my response. There’s part of me right now how wants to fight, and a large part of me wishes I was still a member of the dojo and that I had taekwondo as an outlet. I wish I had someone I could spare with because that’s what I want right now.

 

I don’t want to lash out at Zane. I want to make that extremely clear. But I feel the urge to let all of this energy out through a physical outlet. I want someone else, someone level headed and calm and on the outside to let me thrash, rage, and be irrational and angry so it will go away, spent and wasted and gone.

 

I’m not really angry about anything specific. I’m just angry. In general. At the situation. At how we communicate differently and that makes things hard sometimes. Most of the time. Im frustrated with my own emotions and how there never seems to be a way to predict them, control them. How I wish there were nice little boxes to fit everything inside of, but that’s not how life works.

 

Maybe what I really need to do is make some spatter art. I could use some art right now… Yeah… I’m going to go art it up.

487705_379527378821356_1348109036_n copy 2

Dragon’s Horde 0048: Genius At Work

Standard

Genius_At_Work

Title: Genius At Work
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: December 8th, 2015

 

This is the Christmas gift I stitched for my older brother. I was going through the cross stitch patterns I have, trying to find something I wanted to work on when I found a Loony Toons book. As I flipped through the pages, looking at all the characters I saw this one.

 

My brother has always had a thing for Wile E. Coyote, and for some reason this pattern called out to me. I remember one time while I was at girl scout camp I made a bead lizard during one of the arts and crafts classes and put it on a key chain ring and gave it to him. He still has it on his key ring to this day. It makes me feel loved and cared for. Something so small to me at the time has come to be such an important and sentimental object for both of us.

I don’t know. Seeing the pattern made me want to do something for him. Something to show I love him. I enjoyed working on this piece, and I’m looking forward to creating the frame and sending it on its way.

Daily Post 053: Monday and #infjIssues

Standard

I’m back at school, which may seem odd. Why would I want to go back to work? But I’m alone in the break room. It’s quiet. Peaceful. I like that I’m here for the moment. I like that I have time and space to write. So that’s what I’m going to do. Not like I didn’t do enough of that this morning…

 

This morning started sort of rough, and I think at least half of that roughness had to do with the interaction between Zane and I. And all of this information is mostly likely going to be TMI, but it’s stuff I need to work through, and this blog is how I do that, so I’m not going to apologize for writing. I apologize if the content offends, but not for creating it.

Rated R for sexual content.

 

So most of yesterday I was low energy, I think mostly from being social, though working out so much might have factored into it slightly. There was a need to feel closeness with Zane. We cuddled for a little bit. I slept with my head in his lap while he played Fallout. We went out and had lunch together. To be completely fair to Zane he was doing awesome with the physical contact, which can sometimes be an issue for us.

 

He teased me a few times during the day. Nothing overly crazy. Nibbling here and there, a little bit of energy play. Things that I was fine with and that didn’t build the tension too high. It felt mostly playful with a tinge of sexuality.

 

There was one instance before I went back to sleep the final time where we were alone in the kitchen and it got a bit steamy. It wasn’t playful anymore. I wanted it to go somewhere, lead to things, and in the past we have had issues with the energy getting to that point and it not having a resolution. It just ends.

 

Those situations leave me feeling very disconnected from Zane, or any partner really. It’s alienating feeling to have a connection with someone, to truly feel them, and then for it to suddenly be gone. Sometimes it feels like the earth is suddenly not there and that I’m falling. Sinking. Most of the time there is a cold sensation as well, like ice in my veins. Other times it feels as if part of me is being ripped away. It’s physically painful, and it makes me not want to reach out or be close to anyone because my brain associates contact with pain. I feel alone afterwards, and drained, as if my energy has been taken but not replaced. If it happens often enough it can lead to depression.

 

So Zane and I have had issues in the past with this. Being connected and then having all contact stop. No hug, no kiss on the forehead. Just crazy intensity and then nothing.

 

I was worried that’s what last night was going to be. He held me afterwards though, and whispered in my ear, “When I come to bed.” It was a promise. He keeps his promises, but there was a part of me that ran through all of the past experiences. He was going to be tired, he was going to forget, he wasn’t going to be in the mood later, he was going to fall asleep on the couch. Any number of things.

 

I nodded trying to control my breathing because the pain was threatening to start. I could feel it wanting to well up inside of my chest. Rejection is part of it. Loneliness. Coldness. Isolation.

 

He made me look him in the eyes as he said it again, “When I come to bed.” He wanted me to see that he meant it. He wanted me to believe him. To trust him. That helped. Being close to him afterwards helped, too. I wasn’t free falling on my own. He was still there helping me come back down from the sensations.

 

When he came to bed we did have sex. And this is where I feel like an awful companion. A complicated, finicky, “more hassle than I’m worth” type of person.

 

Physically it was amazing. It has been a while for us, so there was that. I still want imitate interaction more often than he does, so that adds to the experience on my side of things. There was the build from earlier, too. But that’s all it was. It was only physical and I don’t know how to explain it more than that, and I hate that.

 

Most of the time, for me, there’s this deep connection, like with the teasing. I can feel the other person in a spiritual sense, not just physically. It’s a connection that’s deeper than the skin, and that connection, that closeness is what I crave. That’s what makes me feel alive and real. Loved. Valued. Energized, motivated, refreshed.

 

It wasn’t there last night. It felt so shallow, so on the surface. Like treading water when I wanted to dive down into the dark depths and lose myself in the abyss. And while physically it felt good, emotionally and spiritually it was so much less than what I wanted, what I thought was going to happen. What I thought should have happened.

 

I knew Zane was enjoying it. And that made it enjoyable for me. But then it was over, and I knew that my chance for that connection was over too. That I wouldn’t get it that night, or most likely the next day with the difference in our sex drives. I thought about how he was going to go to sleep now and that even cuddling wasn’t an option because he would fall asleep. It sucked. It hurt, so much.

 

And as an INFJ all of this makes sense to me. I’m myself, so of course I know how I feel. But I don’t know what it’s like for others. I don’t think wanting a deep connection is something that in inherently “girly” or “weak” or “romantic”. I think it has a lot to do with being a Feeler in the MBTI range. I know of guys who are the same way, as well as other girls. But there are still times, like last night where I feel like if only I was “normal”. If only I could just enjoy something without having to have this deep, weird, spiritual / energy BS that most people look at me like I’m crazy for when I talk about it, then maybe my life would be easier. Less stressful. At least I would have been able to enjoy the experience, which would have been great since it was actually great.

 

Zane picked up on the fact that I wasn’t ok. Which made him not ok. But we talked about it, and I mentioned how the experience had felt shallow and surface level. How I had been able to feel him, but not connect with him.

 

I was actually really surprised when he said that he understood, and that he felt like it was his fault.

 

Me: Wait, wait, wait. I don’t think you understand… This is where you get frustrated with me and we fight and I feel worse and we spiral downward for a while until we have an uber fight and there’s lots of crying and stress involved… You don’t agree with me. And you certainly don’t take the blame… Jeez. Don’t you know your part yet?

 

He said that because he was so tired he was focusing more on the act itself rather than on me or the pleasure. Hearing that helped actually. It made me feel less crazy.

 

He had been so set on keeping his promise to me and not further agitating a growing insecurity. Looking back at it now I’m grateful for what he did. He tried and did his best to make me happy and I appreciate that. I appreciate that we talked and that I am able to understand his side of the situation, because that makes it easier to understand where my emotions stemmed from.

 

Even though the conversation afterwards helped, it didn’t take away the icky feelings and so I ended up staying on the couch for a few hours. Because of the disconnection it didn’t feel right sleeping next to him. When Zane woke up for work I went back to the room with Scarlet and slept until 10:30 which is when I woke up to several messages him from. We talked further. I was happy that I didn’t wake up depressed from the experience, and I think our open communication before I left the room had a lot to do with that. I could so easily have swung into a negative headspace. But instead I was pretty neutral and even though I wasn’t super in line with the Universe this morning, I wasn’t against it either.

 

I eventually did get up and clean out the fridge before having breakfast and sitting down to write, which also helped. The sun came out of a bit. I thought about going back to sleep, but instead started prepping the food for cooking. And one task at a time I got things done and built up my momentum for the day.

 

Cut the veggies for the curry. Boil the rice… ok… write down that we need veggie broth from the store since we’re out and can’t boil the rice… Onward to making the salads. Cook the bacon for the breakfast sandwiches. Wash the dishes.

 

I actually got a lot done in the kitchen, which made me feel good. I didn’t make it to the gym because of that, but I’m alright with how the rest of the day turned out.

 

With all of the cooking done for the time being I went ahead and had one of the southwestern salads. I think if I had gotten thicker sliced chicken it would have been better, but overall I really enjoyed it. I showered after eating, packed up my stuff, then headed out to work.

 

The ride was amazing. My legs weren’t sore at all, and I can tell I bike stronger than when I first started almost two months ago. Zane actually made a comment while we were going to sushi Sunday about how he might take his bike back so he could bike to work. That would be 20 miles for him everyday…

 

I would have to almost double how much I bike. ;-;

 

So much sad face.

 

He said it wasn’t a competition… and I know it’s not. But it totally is and if he starts biking I’m going to have to figure out how to get in more miles because I can’t let him win… *evil master mind begins scheming*

 

I mentioned how if he took his bike back I would go and get a better bike. Not that his is bad. It’s actually pretty awesome. But that whole competition thing that totally isn’t going on… Yeah… He can’t have a better bike than me either. >.<;

 

I’m not sure if he’s actually serious about doing that. But it has been mentioned.

 

Lab went well today. I finished filling out my Employment Verification form. Donna didn’t know if my scripts and podcasts could count as experience, but to list them anyway. So I did. I hope they count.

 

I also asked where I should list my certification since the form was only interested in employment history. I hope she gets back to me about that tomorrow.

 

I emailed Clavan about using a new model for the class. I went through the rest of my email, and then cross stitched for the rest of lab inbetween answering questions. Super low key and relaxing.

 

The start of the ride home was hard. It was cold outside and none of me was warmed up even though I literally jumped around to try to warm myself up. It took about a mile before I started really enjoying the ride. But I did end up liking it, which is nice.

 

As soon as I got home I pretty much headed right back out, with the car this time. I wanted to get to the store before it closed. I wasn’t sure where Zane had put the car keys so he was up for a few seconds to help me find them, but I told him to go back to sleep before I left the room. Trevor and Danielle came into the apartment just as I was getting ready to leave.

 

They had a handful of grocery bags with them, so I figured they were about to take over the kitchen. Not cool. In fact, extremely lame. I wouldn’t be able to cook. I wouldn’t want to be in the dinning room or living room because I wouldn’t want to be around the noise, and I couldn’t really go to my room and do anything because Zane was asleep. So much lame.

 

I figured I would go to the store first, since nothing I was getting was a refrigerated / frozen item. Then I could go back to school. I needed to drop off the case of water and the lunch stuff I had bought anyway. While I was there I could write my blog and cross stitch, and so that’s where I’m currently at.

 

At school, soaking up some solitude, finishing off my productivity before going home to cook dinner, shower, and cuddle up to Zane.

 

He’s trying to switch his sleep schedule around which is why he is sleeping right now, but one of the messages he sent earlier said that he wanted me to enjoy my night, to take some time to myself, and when I was ready to come to sleep that we would have silent, undistracted, quality cuddles without the tv or a video game. Cuddles where our attention was on each other.

 

I don’t mind cuddles during a movie or a show, but there’s something different about being together without anything else going on. And it doesn’t seem like that happens very often for us. I know for Zane it can be frustrating. He doesn’t like sitting still. So I know he is doing this to help me. He wants me to feel connected and ok. I know that this is him making an effort and it means so much to me.

 

I know that gifts are a big thing for him, so while I was at the store I picked him up some breakfast Danishes. He didn’t ask for them, but I don’t think he has anything for breakfasts this week. I’m hoping that he likes the surprise when he wakes up.

 

Today has been a pretty good day. Even with me being all complicated and INFJ-y and stuff. And even though it isn’t over I’m pretty sure that it will stay a good day.

 

 

Daily Post 052: The Weekend

Standard

This morning is dreary, cloudy. My toes are a little chilled, but not as bad as they could be. At the moment the day matches how I feel, or maybe it’s I who matches the day.

 

Low. Slow. Going back to sleep might be nice but I really don’t have interest in doing that. I don’t feel like I have much interest at all at the moment, and maybe that’s because I’m still working on my cup of coffee. Why does caffeine take so long to kick in sometimes? ;-;

 

It just sucks. I feel like it would be easier to want to do things if there was some sunshine. Something to help me get going. But there’s not so it’s taking a while for my motivation to start up.

 

This is where I’m at currently…

57771451

 

Saturday was a super busy day. I woke up, had something quick to eat, then loaded the car up with everything I needed for the day. It took two trips on my own to get everything out there. I went to the laundry mat I normally go to, but they were doing work on the parking lot, repaving it. Even though the businesses were still open I decided to go to a different place instead. Tripping over wires and lots of people I didn’t know didn’t seem the best way to start the day.

 

I ended up going to the laundry mat that John goes to instead. I didn’t know it was open 24 hours. That’s kind of cool. The machines are also cheaper than the ones at our apartment now that they’ve raised the rates. I may be going there to do laundry from now on. Especially since some of the machines here still don’t switch to cold water, and I’m not about to risk messing up all of the workout stuff that I just dropped a billion dollars on.

 

Which, I’ve come to a peaceful resolution in regards to having spent all of the money that I have recently.

 

First off, it’s out of my system. I have no urge at all to spend on anything else because I really don’t want anything else. I’m back to being content with what I have, and happy that the things I do have are practical, functional things rather than stuff that’s going to collect dust.

 

Second, I think of all of it as gear, battle armor. I need this to help me train for my race and to get ready for the military, if I actually do finally decide to go that route. I’m not going to let myself feel bad for buying quality armor to help me win the battles I want to fight. I’m not going to feel bad for replacing stuff I should have replaced years ago. I am content with my investment. Should I have used the card? I don’t know. There are different schools of thought for that.

 

My school of thought; it’s helping me move forward on goals I want to achieve. It’s keeping me motivated and feeling good. It helps me feel like it’s worth going to work because there’s a pay off for me, not just my debt. I’m able to have thing I want, not just things I need. I’m not going to allow myself to feel bad about investing in myself and the things I care about. I’m worth it. End of story.

 

I didn’t sacrifice any of my other financial obligations. I still paid all of my bills on time. Even over paid on the card still. The only thing I sacrificed was how quickly I am going to reach the goal for paying the card off. I’m not going to be able to get it done by the end of the year like I wanted anyway, so waiting an extra month or so to be done with it isn’t going to kill me. It’s a choice I made and I’m ok with that choice.

 

Thirdly. December is my birth month. Plus there’s Christmas though Christmas isn’t a big deal for me. I’m not going to be buying anything for myself because I don’t want anything else. All of this stuff, the new pants, the new running shoes, the bike helmet and light… All of the money I’ve recently spent on myself, that was my birthday and Christmas and all of rewards for the certification and everything else that I needed to give myself a pat on the back for.

 

The only other things I might get are new panties. And those are more of a necessity rather than a reward. Maybe… maybe, new headphones. I doubt it though.

 

Anywho… Yeah. I’m ok with the money thing. I love all of my things. The compression pants worked amazing on the cold night I biked home. I love the Lucy tops and the over shirts I got. The new bandanas are great and I’ve gotten compliments about them. I gush over my new running shoes anytime someone mentions them. The thicker sole works great for biking and running. The new armband does fantastic at the gym. Everything has worked out exactly as I wanted it to, and I don’t feel like I have wasted a single penny on any of the purchases.

 

It was a lot. But I’m worth it, and February, when I do amazing in my race, will prove that none of this was a waste.

 

Going back to the recap of my Saturday… I worked on the character sheets while the clothes washed and dried. The laundry mat didn’t seem to have wi-fi so I couldn’t send images to Zane, but I was content with my work and sat for about 10 minutes before the clothes finished drying listening to music.

 

After the laundry was done I went to the gym. They are doing a food drive so I was able to donate all of the nonsense form the pantry that no one is using. Huzzah!

 

I ran, did a round on the machines, and wrapped up with yoga. I showered there, changing into fresh clothes, then headed out to my car.

 

I messaged Nicole before going anywhere to make sure we were still good for lunch. She said yes, but that she might be a bit late. That was fine. I told her if I was early I would cross stitch while waiting for her.

 

With those plans confirmed I drove over to Dick’s Sporting Goods to see about exchanging two of the gray compression pants for black ones. The cashier I had was super nice. She offered for me to see if there were any pants in my size to exchange at the store, otherwise she would refund me the cost. The store only had one set, but I figured I could reorder the second one online when I got home. She refunded me my purchase to a gift card, so I’ll be using that to pay once I actually do it.

 

With that as done as it could be I went to school where I set up my laptop. I messaged Zane the images of the character sheet so he could approve them. I logged my workouts. I got caught up on my personal email and wrote a lengthy response to a blog I found. By then it was time to meet up with Nicole.

 

We had a fantastic lunch where we chatted for about an hour and a half. I had a southwestern chicken mex bowl thing… it was amazing. So much so that I looked up a recipe for southwestern salads, which is one of the meals I’ll be doing this week.

 

Once Nicole and I parted ways I went back to school. I finished working on the commission for Marcus and sent him over images for approval. He loved it and gave me the green light to move on to phase two, which is making the actual pattern and figuring out the colors. We’ve already talked about the base color pallet so I feel like this part of the process will move fairly quickly once I actually begin work on it. That’s the main goal for today.

 

I was going to donate my old clothes to Salvation Army, and mentioned to Zane I was going to do that before heading home since I was pretty much done for the day. He mentioned going to Goodwill would be the better option since Salvation Army donates to anti-LBTG groups.

 

I don’t mind donating my clothes else where, Goodwill is super out of the way though, so I didn’t want to drive all the way out there unless there was another thing on my to-do list I could cross off while taking care of the clothes. Since there wasn’t the clothes are still sitting in the trunk of my car. At some point I will take care of them. Most likely won’t be this week though. I might put them in the re-use section of the storage unit since I want to go there this weekend for a few things.

 

Zane loved the character sheet. Ok, maybe love is a bit too strong of a word, but he liked it. Pretty sure I forgot to mention that.

 

Hannah came over Saturday evening. I ended up taking a nap when I got home since I was tired from being up so early and out and about for so long. When she came over we went out to the sports bar so we all could eat, then came back to the apartment and watched Spirited Away.

 

We chatted a bit about her possibly moving in once John and Trevor move out. It would lower the rent she is currently paying, she would be in a cat friendly environment, closer to school, and wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of finding a new roommate for six months since she graduates soon.

 

I’m not sure if she will move in, but I would be ok with it if she did. Saturday night helped us mesh a bit more. I think she looks at Zane and I as mentors for adulting… that’s a scary thought…

 

So that was Saturday. Social. Productive. Good.

 

One of the things I saw on Saturday as a post on Facebook from a few friends about a stage fighting group. Like, renaissance sword fighting. Sort of like larping, but not.

 

It looked so cool and fun. And I saw that the group had a meeting scheduled for Sunday. I messaged one of my friends who was listed as “going” to the event to make sure she would actually be there. She said she would, so spur of the moment I made plans to go.

 

That meant Sunday I had to wake up pretty early to get all of the chores done. Zane and I meal planned a bit when I woke up. He was sort of grouchy though, so as soon as we were done I left him alone to sleep. I showered, dressed, then headed out to the produce store since the Internet said they opened at 8.

 

Wrong.

 

On Sunday they open at 9, Google. Thanks for messing up my morning.

 

It actually wasn’t that bad. Instead of starting at the produce store I went across the street to Publix to do the other portion of the grocery shopping. It was pretty expensive compared to what Zane and I have been spending on grocery.

 

I needed to stock some stuff for my stash at school, so that meant a case of water, tuna lunches, shakes, and protein bars. I needed a new bottle of multi-vitamins, along with all of the stuff to make my homemade almond bars. Those have been an amazing snack to have when I get back to work from the gym, so I want to keep a supply of them handy.

 

I was actually pretty happy it was my turn to get groceries since a lot of the stuff was specifically for me. With that done I had enough time to come home and put the food away and sit for a bit. I hate it when you get weird pockets of time like that. Too much time to do nothing, but not enough time to do much of anything… So frustrating.

 

I used it to have coffee, since I was out of creamer when I woke up, and poked around online for a bit.

 

Eventually it was time to get going to make it to the stage fighting meeting on time. I was worried about getting lost, but I found the park easy enough. Now that I’ve been there it’s super easy to find. I got there before my friend did which made me a little added to my nervousness. I didn’t know anyone else. But there weren’t a ton of people at this meet, and all of them were super nice.

 

I had to fill out paper work saying I wouldn’t sue anyone if I died. Yay legal stuff. We did some stretching which my body was totally ok with. They had planned to record during this meet and since some people were missing that meant there wasn’t really anyone to pair off with me and start my training. But that didn’t phase me. I enjoyed being able to sit and watch. I actually helped my friend and another girl write out a new fight.

 

It was so cool. They were using staves, which is a lot like the jo in akido. As they were going through moves and figuring out what they wanted to do I was able to make suggestions and there were two places where they were stuck, not sure where to go from where they were at and I was able to help give them ideas based on what I would have done if I were in their situation.

 

So much fun! I can’t wait to actually be part of it and writing out my own fight sequences. I guess the group does performances at different events. Next weekend they are doing auditions for an event that is coming up, so I most likely won’t be able to start training then either, but I still plan to go and watch for a few hours. Another slow introduction day sort of a thing.

 

My hands physically ached to hold one of the staves and I could feel my body mentally going through Fey’s motions as she was “fighting” with Marissa.

 

One huge plus is that this is free. No membership fee, no sort of charge at all. The provide the props too. The most I would have to buy are a pair of gardening gloves.

 

It’s outside in a gorgeous park, and it’s physical, moving, interacting. I could feel the energy between Marissa and Fey as they were practicing their routine. I can’t wait. I feel like it’s going to be a lot of fun. And since they meet on Saturday / Sunday I ought to be able to go to most of the meetings, even when I start going back to aikido in the new year.

 

They also do “garb day” which is where you dress up in your renaissance gear, if you have it. It’s not required for the practices, but I’m pretty sure some sort of costume is needed for the performances. I’m not sure if those are provide or if you are expected to have your own, but at the moment I don’t care. It just seems super fun and I’m not worried about preforming, just participating at the moment.

 

 

Fey was totally decked out in her gear. Makeup and all. She was a Christmas elf, with red pants, white fur covering her boots, a long sleeve green top with a leather vest over it. She had a staff as her main weapon but also a few daggers. She had white contacts in, with super dark red hair. She looked fantastic.

 

Zane is interested in going with me, but I’m glad he didn’t go this first time. I think it wouldn’t have been a good introduction for him. While I liked sitting and observing, being on the outside and slowly taking everything in, I know he would have gotten bored with not having anything to do. He would have wanted to jump straight in and do things. So he’s not going to be going with me to the second meeting either, the one with the auditions, but he is interested in going with me when the actual training begins.

 

The meetings are scheduled 10am to 2pm, but I only stayed until 12. It felt like a good time to leave. I was already getting hungry at that point. Zane and I chatted when I got home, even cuddling for a bit. I was tired. So much social…

 

We went out for sushi since we hadn’t had a date where it was just us. It was very low key which I liked. Hannah was supposed to work, but I guess her hours got cut so she wasn’t there. I feel like I should mention that going out for sushi was my idea and not Zane’s.

 

When we came back to the apartment I laid on the couch with Zane as he played Fallout. I slept for a bit before moving to the room where I slept longer. I woke up around 5pm which is when I went back out to finish the grocery shopping.

 

We need a few more things, like lunch bags, which I didn’t realize until I got home and wanted to divide up the meat. I may try to go to the Publix for it today before going to the gym. Get a few extra miles into my day. But I’m not sure yet. Still sort of low key.

 

I spend half as much at the produce store as I did at Publix. I’m right at where I wanted to be for the food budget though. So while it’s more than what we have been spending, it’s still within the range we set, so we’re good.

 

I didn’t do much with the food other than put it away. I went back to the room with Scarlet and slept more. Last night was Trevor’s Pathfinder game, which I’ve actually backed out of. I’ll keep playing in Uke’s game, but there was no way I could have make it through last night’s game with how burned out on social time I was. I’m still sort of feeling that burnout today which might be another reason being motivated is hard.

 

I woke up again and came out of the room for water. At that point everyone was ready for food. We ordered pizza, which I paid for with the card and everyone chipped in a bit of money towards the total. It was more than I wanted to spend, but at least there was help in covering the cost, and I didn’t have to worry about the kitchen being a mess or full of dirty dishes later.

 

Zane stayed up pretty late. At the moment we’re not really fighting, but we’re a bit disconnected, another factor into the lack of energy I’m sure. But we’ve been talking since I woke up and things are going better.

 

I feel better for having written even though it wasn’t about anything of any real importance. I don’t think today is going to be all that crazy productive. It’s already noon. I’ll most likely head out around 2 or 3 so I can get to the gym. I’m going to stick with two minute intervals for running today, but I’m going to increase how many of them I do, so I’ll be getting more time and distance in. I think that’s a good compromise. Next week I can increase the interval duration.

 

Anyway. I’m sort of bored with writing. The sun has finally come out. I think I’m going to go outside and finish my coffee in the sunlight and hope that whatever part of me that’s a dragon wakes up enough to actually do stuff today.

 

 

Daily Post 051: Moving Forward

Standard

The morning started off pretty chill.

 

I paid bills. I paid for new car tags. I updated the card on my Vimeo account so that charge can go through. I made sure I had money for the training sessions. At the moment I’m going to stick with one set. I could afford two if I really wanted to buy the second one, but that would make things sort of tight financially, and I would rather not worry about it if I don’t have to.

 

I finally got the text message from Verizon about trading in my old phone for credit on the phone bill. Actually I got it a few days ago. But we’ll go with “finally got it” because that’s more dramatic sounding.

 

It was actually a giant pain in the ass to get that off of my do to list. I first had to set up an online account, which took way longer than it should because every time I tried to complete something the system wouldn’t remember that I had filled something out, so I had to set the thing up three different times.

 

After that I had to go through the process of determining how much my phone was worth for the trade in. That required me to get information off of the old phone, which meant I had to wait for it to charge because it died because I wasn’t using it.

 

Of course after the phone was charged and I had the numbers I needed from it I had taken too long and the Verizon system had kicked me out so I had to re-enter all of the previous information again before I could get back to the part I was already on.

 

I had to reset the old phone too, but that wasn’t super hard or annoying. At last not when compared to everything else I had already gone through.

 

In the end it is guesstimated that the phone is worth $300. Verizon is mailing me a special box to return the phone in. I guess I also get a tax break for doing this. Woo? Not sure how that works yet, but I was able to print a tax form… so yeah. I’ll hand that over to Pitts when I get my taxes done in the new year.

 

After that giant ordeal I worked on the character sheet a bit more, making some of the changes Zane and I discussed the previous night and focusing heavily on spacing and positioning. I super like how it’s looking so far. Only a few more sections to tweak and then we’re good to go for the next game.

 

I ate and had more water before packing up and showering. I stopped at the gas station on the way to work like I wanted for the Gatorade. I haven’t had a headache all day so maybe it really was dehydration all this week.

 

I dropped my backpack off at school then headed to the gym where I ran, did a round on the weight machines, and wrapped up with 20 minutes of yoga. And I biked the 6 miles home. I’ve earned doing a whole bunch of nothing tomorrow.

 

Work was nice. I sat outside finishing off the first bottle of Gatorade that I had bought while eating a homemade almond protein bar. It has dark chocolate and coconut in it. It’s like an Almond Joy candy bar only healthier. : 3

 

I filled out most of the Empolyee Verification form. It’s only concerned with employment history so there isn’t a place to list my certification. I emailed Donna and asked if there was a way to count the scripts I’ve had online for download and the podcasts I create for my own YouTube channel as experience. Since it was so late in the day on a Friday I didn’t get a response from her. Most likely because she had already left, but that’s fine. I filled out everything else.

 

That actually made me feel really good because I had thought about procrastinating on it instead. Getting most of it over with helped me to feel good and like I wasn’t shrinking way from issues I didn’t want to deal with.

 

I worked on Marcus’ commission. I only redrew Bilbo to see if he liked the direction I was going with the pose. Marcus was happy with it, so tomorrow I’m going to resketch the image so it’s on one paper, rather than two. That sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn’t. I plan to use one of the light boxes in the art room to trace the two sections onto one page. We artist are tricky bastards like that.

 

I also made more progress on my brother’s xStitch. So all around it was a super productive day without being too crazy.

 

At the end I got to actually meet up with Marcus since he was on campus. We chatted for a bit and may even do lunch at some point. We mentioned it, but didn’t set a date or anything, so it might just be a nebulous, “eventually we’ll do this” sort of thing. I’m ok with it either way.

 

On my way out I actually saw Nicole as she was coming into the school. That was another thirty minutes of chatting. I didn’t mind, but I did excuse myself from the conversation as more people joined in, saying that I needed to bike home before it got too much later. Which I did.

 

I called Zane to let him know I was going to be running late and not to worry about me. The ride home was actually pretty nice. It started drizzling a little bit about a mile into the ride, but stopped almost as soon as it started. It was pretty windy too, but it didn’t slow me down all that much, and the compression pants that I bought did wonders for keeping me warm. I left my jacket on too, so by the time I got home I was pretty warm, almost toasty.

 

I finished off the second bottle of Gatorade while sitting in the living room with Zane. He’s still playing Fallout. I showered, ate, and sat a bit more before getting bored with watching the game. Not my type of story to be honest.

 

I came back to the room, figured out all the stuff I want to get done tomorrow, and then did a bunch of Googling to figure out when all of the places open so I can be efficient with my time. So the to-do list is all figured out. I’m going to try waking up at 7, which shouldn’t be too hard if I get to sleep in the next hour or so.

 

And here I am at the last item on my to-do list, writing my blog and feeling awesome for completing everything that I wanted to.

 

I’m making progress on several projects that are important to me, and that forward momentum is making me feel good. Exausted… but good. And with that I’m going to label today as done and curl up in bed with Scarlet while Zane stays up crazy late playing his game.

 

All of the bed are belong to me. >:3