Month: July 2015

Musing Moment 0045: The Helping Hand Blogger Award

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I guess today is the day for awards.

Thank you so much Ally for nominating me for The Helping Hand Blogger Award, an award given to bloggers who share insightful comments with other bloggers.

I’m so glad the novels I tend to write for comments are seen as insightful, inspiring, and helpful. : 3

I wasn’t able to find any rules associated with this award, so I’m just going to name drop a few of the people who have helped give me perspective and sent me support through their own comments. Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my posts. Your messages have helped me more than you know.

By the way… you would totally be on this list Ally if you hadn’t been the one to nominate me. Again, thank you so much. You’re fantastic. : )

Nominations for The Helping Hand Blogger Award

Shrewed Up
Samantha
Luna
Mama Spike
Seven Years in a Drawer

Musing Moment 0044: The Dragon’s Loyalty Award

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I cannot thank Shrew enough for nominating me for the Dragon’s Loyalty award. Shrew is an amazing person and I highly recommend reading her blog, which ranges from topics like mental health and parenting, to mindfulness and surviving life.

If nothing else, at least check this post out. I promise it is completely worth it.

Thank you so much, Shrew!

What is it?

Ok what is the Dragon’s Loyalty Award? Like so many other awards on WordPress, I have no idea they exist until I see them on a blog I follow, or happen to be nominated for one myself.

The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is an award given to loyal followers, commenters, or fans of your blog. The recipient can be a fellow blogger or a blog-free person who comments regularly. Don’t worry… we’ll corrupt you soon enough, oh blog free reader. >:3

The Rules

As with most other awards I have received there are rules to follow.

1. Put the logo on your post
2. Thank the blogger who nominated you
3. Share 5 facts about yourself
4. Nominate 5-10 bloggers

I have done two of four so far, so lets continue with the check list. : D

Five Facts

1. I’m scared of blenders because they make loud noises, but vacuums are ok because they actually do something useful.

2. I have a profile on Allrecipies.com and actually have had people comment that they like my recipes. If you’ve never had them you should totally try the zucchini fries, or the zucchini brownies. No joke, the brownies are amazing.

3. I routinely look at artwork for inspiration and save the images to Pinterest and my Dropbox folder, which I use as my screen saver. Clicking the Dropbox link will allow you to download my art folder. I also have folders for funny stuff and inspiration.

4. My favorite card game is cribbage, but I don’t have anyone to play with because everyone hates math. ;-;

5. I actually do like puns and play on word type jokes… Like that one about the boomerang. Do you remember it? No? Don’t worry. It will come back to you.

Interested in more facts about me? Feel free to click through these previous blog posts.

Liebster Award    Versatile Blog Award

Inspiring Blog Award

Nominations

I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone to follows me, puts up with reading my daily whining writing, and for the support and love that you all have shown me. You’re all amazing and I wish I could nominate all of you.

The following five bloggers are who I pass the Dragon’s Loyalty Award to. Keep spreading the love through the blogging sphere. And thank you so much for being my blogging buddies. : D

Ally
Seven Years in a Drawer
Mama Spike
Luna
Samantha

Daily Post 160: Aaarrrggg…

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I have to drink the rest of my bottle of water before I can go to sleep, but I soooo just want to crawl into bed and die for a little bit. Today was another day of kickboxing. Another super fantastic workout. I really am enjoying going to the class.

That happened way later in the day though.

After finishing up with my blog I made a to-do list and started mercilessly hacking away at it.

I messaged my brother about the storage unit since his stuff is being stored in there now. He said he would help pay for it; $100 a month, but he wouldn’t be able to do that for a little bit. I guess he had some unexpected expenses come up… haven’t we all…

I told him that was fine, and that I could cover the cost of the unit, and that since the amount was due at the beginning of the month I would just pester him next time I had to make a payment.

So that is semi-taken-care-of.

I talked to Nasse for a little bit. I explained why I hadn’t messaged him over the weekend and that a trip home right now isn’t financially possible. He mentioned that the picture he wanted me to draw is no longer needed. I guess the situation changed and it wouldn’t be an appropriate gift now. I’m sort of glad I procrastinated on that. Other than that he’s doing well.

I got the fax number for my previous clinic so my medical records can be requested.

By then it was about time for me to shower and head to work. I ate a quick lunch which Zane woke up during. We talked for a little bit. I broke down and asked him to do the eggs while I was gone. He said he would, and that he had meant to do that before going to sleep.

Once I was showered I headed to work where I completed all of the reading for my class and took the quiz. Another 100, woo. No one has replied to the discussion board yet, which is fine. I took a look at the final assignment for the month and began working on it. My fictional magazine is going to be called WOC (Weapon of Choice) with a d20 next to the title, because I’m a nerd like that. : D

After work I went to Walgreens to pick up the creams I needed, then headed home.

Zane was awake and the eggs were boiled. Massive points were earned.

We talked a bit more about school, and about my level of comfort with co-signing. He offered to ask his brother to co-sign for him and I said I would like it if he tried to find other people so it wasn’t solely riding on me.

He did ask, but his brother said he wouldn’t be able to at the moment. If things changed for him he would let Zane know. I do feel better that Zane tried. There’s nothing else to do other than to go to the meeting tomorrow and get more information. If only it was tomorrow already and I had the answers to make decisions with…

Zane and I cleaned the room since I had some time to kill before going to the gym. It wasn’t super messy, but there were little piles here and there, and they were bothering me. I put the cloths away and loaded the dishwasher.

Eventually I had to get changed and walk to the gym. The class was amazing and I can already tell I’ll be feeling it tomorrow.

After the class I came home and started cooking dinner. We did garlic chicken with green beans and tomatoes with wild rice. Such a fantastic dinner, though to be honest I was so hungry by then that dirt might have tasted good. I blew through one bottle of water, but still want to get through another one before calling it a night.

The kitchen is clean, the leftovers are put away, my workout is logged on Runkeeper, and I’m showered and ready for bed. I might try to cross stitch for a little bit, something I haven’t been doing. I think that will help me fully unwind from the day since I’m still a little wired.

I feel like today was productive and that I got a lot of stuff taken care of.

I have grading I need to start, but I’ll save that for tomorrow. I’m happy with today, and I’ll leave it as is.

Daily Post 0159: Another Day, Another Doctor’s Adventure

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Last Little Bit of Monday

It took me a while to write everything in my last post. I didn’t get to the gym until roughly 8pm. At my old gym, the YMCA, I most likely wouldn’t have been able to work out. They closed at 9, and with travel time I don’t think I would have made it there with enough time to have much of a workout.

LA Fitness closes at 11pm during the week, though. So I still had tons of time to do whatever I wanted. And with it being in walking distances I had the space along the way to collect myself a bit before having to be around people.

I ran Monday night. At the 12:30 mark I was at .8 miles. I felt that was pretty awesome. I ended the mile mark at 16:30 though. I had to walk more towards the end. I think if I had been able to do one more run interval I would have been ok. That along with walking faster during my walk intervals.

It was pretty great though. I didn’t have shin pain. Instead it was tightness along the outside of my calf, so I think it’s tendon strength. Runners World had a pretty good article that I just read. Definitely working through shin splints, but remembering back to when I first started running, they are so much better than what they were. Yay improvement.

I ended up stopping my run because I wasn’t sweating as much as I felt I should be. I’m always behind on my water intake. I sort of figured I was dehydrated because my lips have been chapped. That might have factored into my last interval not being as great as I wanted.

Regardless, I was happy with my run. I came back home, packed up my gym bag with clean cloths, and headed back to the hotel my mom was staying at. We ended up getting burgers from Checkers for dinner and going to sleep after watching the end of a CSI episode.

I laid in bed for a while but eventually rolled over and picked up my phone. I messaged Sammie saying that I wasn’t at my computer so it would be a relatively short message, but that I was happy for her and Josh and I would reply more indepth when I got the chance. Most likely Tuesday night.

I got a reply back saying that she didn’t know what to say to that, but thank you for my kind words.

And that was the conclusion of my Monday.

Tuesday Troubles

I woke up at 5am on Tuesday after going to sleep around midnight. I stayed in bed until 6, which is when mom woke up. We both went out and had breakfast in the lobby. Eggs, biskets, and sausage gravy for me with juice on the side. Mom had a bagel with some cream cheese.

We hung out for a little bit. Mom showered. She ended up getting on the road around 8 though. We weren’t really doing anything, I should have been working on school work, and she wanted to get home before it got too late, so it seemed like the right choice for both of us.

We hugged goodbye and she followed me for a ways until she needed to keep going to get to the interstate.

It was super early when I got home. Zane hadn’t gone to sleep until really early in the morning, so I let him sleep. I got to work checking my email and blogs. I responded to messages, and started figuring out my life basically. I proof read and posted my blog.

I asked Zane if he wanted to go to the school early since we had so much time, but we decided to keep to our 3pm plan.

He woke up shortly before I had to go to my appointment. That started as a disaster.

I got to the doctor’s office at 1:30 only to find out that my appointment had been for 1:15. Fml….

They were able to work it out so that I could still be seen, it would be by a different doctor. Still female. So there was that going for me.

I could have sworn that my time had been changed because I added the pap to the appointment, but I guess not? I even brought up the notification email the hospital sent me and it said 1:15pm, so I don’t know where I got 1:45 from.

So I got checked in, paid my $30 co-pay, and was left to freak out inside of my head by myself as I waited to be called back. I nervously started texting people to keep my brain occupied.

When it was finally my turn I walked through the door of death into the serial white hallways of doom… Ok, it wasn’t that bad. But they did notice that my blood pressure was elevated when they were taking my vitals.

Well yeah… duh… I have every murder horror ever made playing through my head right now. I’m just going to chill here all calm and collected while you suck out my soul…

After being shown to my room my technician asked me a few questions, did a few things, then retook my blood pressure, which was actually normal for once. She was actually super nice and make me feel way more comfortable, so I guess that helped.

I had to wait about 10 minutes for the doctor to show up, during which time a friend that I was texting and I came to the conclusion that my doctor was actually a mass murderer and that I was actually staring in some weird lesbian dominatrix snuff porno… yeah… That’s what the world gets for leaving me alone to my own devices.

It was a pretty humorous conversation though and I’m glad that he let me be annoying and spam him with text messages. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. Maybe hide in a corner because nothing bad ever happens in corners. Or ask to go home because deep down inside I’m really a five year old when it comes to medical stuff. It feels like it would be easier if I had an adultier adult with me.

Anywho, when my mass murdering doctor came it I was greeted by a super cute, sweet woman who was half my height and size. One of those people who you look at and think about how adorable they are because she’s so small. Back to the drawing board on my mass murder idea… damnit. And I had that story all fleshed out, too… : /

We talked about my pap. I guess with the changes to health care I don’t have to have one every year. It’s every three years now. Unless any of the tests come back as abnormal, which none of mine ever have. So instead of having to get one done, I am going to get them the information for the clinic I was going to so they can request my records. Huzzah! Dodged a bullet with that one.

Which meant we were moving on to talking about my blood work.

Insulin levels – Normal
Testosterone level – Normal
Good Cholesterol – A little low
Bad Cholesterol – A little high
Other stuff with weird names – Normal

Really there was only one test that she was concerned with, and the first thing she said was it could have been due to dehydration. I told her I was normally playing catch up with water, and during the time the blood work had been fasting, so I hadn’t had anything to drink for 12 hours.

She said that she wanted to get that test redone, just to be safe. So I currently have to make another appointment to give blood. Arg. But it’s good to know that I have been able to correct the imbalances that were there on my own, and that by continuing with good diet and exercise that I can improve my health even more. It’s a good feeling to know I did it on my own rather than using medication as a crutch.

I did it literally with blood, sweat, and tears. There’s something about that that makes me feel strong and makes me stand just a little bit taller.

That was the epic adventure for yesterday. I have to pick up a couple creams from Walgreens at some point today, but I have a fairly clean bill of health now, with the numbers to prove it.

I came back home after the appointment. Zane had called the school to see if we could schedule an appointment, which we could, just not for today… lame. Since I work at 1pm today we didn’t want to schedule the appointment for Wednesday, which left Thursday as our earliest option.

Zane filled out his FSAFA, so from the government he can get roughly $15k. That’s a lot better than nothing, but it leaves a lot to be taken out in personal loans which is where I become the co-signer. Not even going to broach that right now. We’ll wait until tomorrow.

There is a $40 application fee, which I would have to cover for him. We’re going to see if we can get information from financial aid for before having to pay for that. I would rather not apply only to be told that financially it wouldn’t work.

I ended up buckling down on my own and doing school work. The discussion assignments were actually pretty easy. We were broken up into groups and had to critique everyone else’s book cover assignment, which I still haven’t posted… eventually… one day… I will get around to posting my assignments on my blog. Today most likely isn’t that day…

We only had to critique three people, but since there were only 5 people in my group, including myself, I critiqued all four projects. I also did the first exercise assignment which involved taking everyday objects and creating a word out of them.

That was fun because I took some of the shisha we had and molded it into the word MINT. It was messy and hands on and I had a blast doing it. When Zane came out and asked me what I was doing I proudly got to say, “Art!” being all cryptic and what not. It was great.

After taking pictures of my masterpiece and cleaning up, I finished the assignment by typing up a few paragraphs about the piece and my process. Once the assignment was submitted I was pretty beat.

I had tried taking a nap before my doctor’s appointment but ended up waking up right at the beginning of a REM cycle so I was more exhausted than what I had started out at. Then with the stress of the visit, and then more brain power for school stuff… I was just dead.

I ended up curling up under the covers trying to rest. Zane left the room to play Fallout 3 on the tv, which left the room dark and quiet, so I ended up falling asleep. I think Zane tried to wake me up around 10, asking if I wanted to sleep more, which I did.

I woke up around midnight hungry and thirsty.

Zane had cooked dinner while I was working on homework earlier. We had the last pieces of steak with potatoes. It was fantastic. There was way more potatoes leftover though. So at midnight I had a small bowl of them with water.

I sat and watched a blurry tv screen after I was done eating for about 10 minutes, since I didn’t have my glasses, then went back to sleep, and stayed asleep until 9 this morning.

Zane came to bed around 7. He said he was sorry because he felt like he was going to sleep through most of the day, to which I said “Most likely.”

I’m not sure if that was a cruel thing to say, but it’s the truth. I dislike how there is a part of me who has given up on caring. I’ve told him that this bothers me, and he still does it, so when he says sorry, I don’t really feel anything. “Not sorry enough to not do it,” is what floats through my mind.

He did do laundry while I was sleep. And I’m trying to hold onto that fact even though he said he would do three other things and didn’t. The main thing I’m focusing on is that he played a video game for 11 hours. In 11 hours you couldn’t boil the eggs for tuna like you promised you would?

Can I not be petty and just boil the eggs myself without harboring resentment? >.<

They’re eggs. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

Counter argument. It’s 11 hours and not placing responsibility as a priority. I wouldn’t be miffed if I hadn’t been told it would be done. Along with the kitchen floors and bathroom cleaned. But I was, so I was expecting something, and reality is different from what I as expecting, so I need to align myself with that.

Blah. I still need to make my to-do list for today, so I’m going to go do that and keep myself busy rather than focusing on this. I’m off and away to take over the day.

Daily Post 0158: Eight Pages of My Life Later…

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Was supposed to be posted last night, but wasn’t. 

I’m sitting at a blank screen and there’s all this stuff that I need to transfer from my brain to the page, but there’s so much stuff that I don’t feel like doing it. This picture pretty much sums it up…

stuff

Let’s begin with a list so I can make sure I hit all my marks. Yay road maps.

The day with Mom
Zane and school
Doctor’s appointment tomorrow
School work for this week
Sammie’s wedding and her message

Today – Monday – Mom Day

Ok. So we’re starting with recapping today.

Today for the most part has been awesome. I went to sleep around 4 in the morning, which sort of sucked because Zane and I had wanted to go to Full Sail so he could talk to a person in admissions, which is a whole story in itself that I may or may not get to. It depends on how much I feel like writing.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to wake up at 8 in the morning when I didn’t get to sleep until so late. So that plan got scratched. Instead I slept until around 10. Got up, had a message from my mom saying she was on the road. I had breakfast and coffee.

While Zane and I were at the store yesterday we decided to try a new type of jelly for pb&js. We went with apple, and it’s not bad. I don’t think it is a favorite for me, but I’m totally cool with having it on toast for a little while. There was also a mint jelly.

How did I not know this stuff existed?

Mint is one of my flavors.

So I didn’t need to get it, but I totally got it so I could try it. So one of my pieces of toast this morning was apple while the other was mint. I don’t think I used enough of the mint flavor, out of fear that I might not like it. But the flavor was super subtle so I didn’t really taste it all that much, so I still don’t really know if I like it or not.

I’ll be trying it again tomorrow. But I thought it was super cool that something like that is even a thing.

After breakfast I started getting caught up on messages. Really it was just the text messages on my phone that I had been purposely not looking at over the weekend. My friend in South Carolina had wanted to know if I was still planning on driving up over the weekend.

No. I wasn’t. I guess that was pretty apparent though since it’s Monday now.

I still have 13 emails to get through, and I haven’t done anything with work since Friday. And I’m not going to until I go back to work on Wednesday, so I hope there’s no fires in that inbox. Not caring at the moment if there are. That will most likely change tomorrow when I begin to feel irresponsible for taking time off of work on such short notice.

Anyway, I got a call from my mom asking where we were going to meet. I gave her directions to the storage unit, got showered, then headed out to meet her. I got there way before her, so I took the time to reorganize Trevor’s stuff, which freed up way more space in the unit. I’m pretty sure he would have failed at Tetris.

I helped mom unload the car. There was a lot less stuff than what I had been expecting. We got everything squared away in about an hour. I’ll be messaging my brother to talk about helping to pay for the cost of the unit now that his stuff is also in it. That should help negate some of the cost I’m having to cover for Zane’s rent. $50 at most, but something is still better than nothing.

Mom and I went to lunch after the unit was taken care of. We spent a lot of time talking while we ate. Of course we went to Moe’s since that’s our place. She actually tried the new nacho bowl and really enjoyed it, so that was cool. I was worried it would be too spicy for her liking.

Eventually we got tired of sitting so we went and got her checked into a hotel. We talked for a while longer, but eventually I said that I needed to come back home for a bit. I needed to submit my homework, which I have already done, and check out my new assignments for the week, which I have also done.

I want to go running as well, and shower, since I’m pretty gross from moving so much stuff around in the storage unit. I also had to put a cooler worth of food stuffs away in the fridge.

Since my mom will be closing on the house Friday she wanted to empty out her fridge, which meant I got a bunch of free food. No complaints.

That’s been the day so far. I have to go to the gym still, then shower. I’ll be spending the night with my mom at the hotel so we can have more time together. We’ll most likely get dinner somewhere. I bought lunch out of habit, so I think she will want to buy dinner.

It’s been great getting to spend time with her. It’s hard thinking that in a few months she’s going to be 3000 miles away. Literally. She won’t be the 6 hour car ride that I enjoy now. It’s going to be so much harder to see her, and while I know this time is coming, it’s still not fully real in my head. It’s going to be one of those things where I wake up and realize that she’s far away and that even though I want to see her I can’t. I won’t be able to make a weekend trip back home.

I’ll leave that alone for right now though since I have so many other things I’m already trying to deal will. Main point is I got to spend the day with my mom, and once I finish taking care of business I’ll get to go back and spend more time with her before she leaves tomorrow.

Zane and School

Friday while Zane and I were at Moe’s (I sometimes do actually go to other places to eat… just not often. No regrets), the subject of school somehow came up and I mentioned why he didn’t just go back.

He made a mention of how he wouldn’t be able to have a job and take classes, and I countered with how Full Sail allowed students to take out loans for living expenses because the curriculum was so intense.

He had never thought of that as a possibility. So that lead to a bunch of talking about the school and the degree programs and what was and wasn’t possible. When we came home he started researching into the school and the programs which lead to more questions, some of which I could answer, some I couldn’t. Long story long, we agreed that the best thing to do would be to talk to someone in admissions and most likely financial aid.

So that was supposed to happen this morning, but with the lack of sleep we both got, and with my mom coming into town we have decided that tomorrow afternoon would be better for both of us.

I have my doctor’s appointment at 2pm, so around 3 we will be going to see what options are available for Zane as far as school is concerned.

He made mention last night how his solution for his debt issues was to get into more debt. On a technical level I cannot argue against that. I feel that school is an investment though. He wouldn’t enjoy working at a fast food place, and he wouldn’t be moving forward on anything that he wants or views as important. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been pushing him all that hard on getting a job in that area.

If I wouldn’t do it then I have no right to ask someone else to. I would fight and struggle so hard to find anything outside of fast food because I don’t want to be in that type of work environment.

With school, theoretically, he would be able to take out the loans to cover his rent and food expenses, while still working on something that he wants to do, and something that would be viable after he graduated. Something he could take to California with him, which is where he wants to be since that’s where Nic is.

In my mind it is a good direction to go, even if it does mean that there is debt involved. I do not regret my choice to go to school. It was expensive beyond all reason, but I loved my experience. I love the people I met, and I love where it has taken me so far.

I’m hoping that it is a positive direction for Zane as well, and I’m hoping that it works out.

The thing that stresses me about it is that he will most likely need a co-signer.

I would most likely end up being that co-signer, which sort of sucks. I would become tied to him financially for a really long time. And while I do think school is a good thing, and I fully support it, if he defaults on his loans and I’m a co-signer, I am responsible and can be taken down because of his inability to pay.

We would talk more about it before any signing happened. But that is a very real possibility and I don’t know how I feel about it. I didn’t mind making the suggestion. I don’t want the responsibility of making this option work. I don’t want the pressure of my signature, and potentially screwing over the rest of my life, to be the one thing that keeps this from working.

It is also possible that he could not get the amount of money he would need to cover both the degree cost and two years worth of living expenses. In which case I don’t think I would want to sign at all.

I would becoming financially obligated to something for the next foreseeable forever, with no benefit in the short-term, which is one of the things this direction is supposed to help with.

In my head it’s either a) get a job to fix the bike so you can get a better job and not depend on me for rides, essentially a stepping stone to being able to pay me back, or b) go to school and factor in the money owed to people into the living expenses so you can pay everyone back what you have borrowed and move forward in life being self-sufficient.

He already owes me roughly $700. He told me to keep track of it, which is on the to-do list, making an excel sheet of the expenses I want to be reimbursed for. Blah, more to-dos >.< Do not want.

But yeah… If the school plan doesn’t cover living expense, then I’m not going to be on board with it at all because it’s not fixing the issue of him not being able to cover his share, and the only reason I’m covering it is because I’m expecting to be paid back, not because I’m a noble and caring person.

I mean… maybe… a little… It’s not like I would be ok with him being kicked out of the apartment or living on the street, but I’m not ok with having the agreement we had broken either. I’m not ok with how things are now, which really the only reason I’m a hawt stressed depressed mess at the moment.

So there’s all of this stuff that still up in the air about the school situation, and none of it can be figured out without talking to people at the school. So for now, that subject is tabled for me.

And by tabled I mean I’m going to let it stew in my brain and bother me all night.

Honestly though, until tomorrow there’s really no use in putting more energy into it other than to acknowledge that it may or may not work. If it does, amazing, if not, then it’s back to “find a job” and I’m not going to be as ok with him being as picky about not applying to certain places. I’m not ok with spending an extra $500 every month on something other than my own financial goals.

Tomorrows Doctor’s Appointment

On top of having to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow, which always sucks, and taking Zane to talk to an admissions representative tomorrow, which who knows how long that will take, I have to meet with my doctor to talk about my lab results, and have a pap… yay, said no one ever. : /

At least both of those things will be taken care of. The pap I won’t have to do for another year. Very minor silver lining…

I’m sort of worried about the blood work, which I really shouldn’t be because worrying about it isn’t going to change anything.

I’m fully expecting to be told that I’m still insulin resistant, and that my testosterone is too high. I don’t know what else to expect. Hopefully they don’t come back and say, “By the way you’re dying.”

I’m not looking forward to the appointment. But then I never look forward to a doctor’s visit. I don’t want to worry about this, but I know on at least a subconscious level I’m going to. I can feel a tightness in my chest over it, and there’s not much I can do about it. It’s anxiety and fear of the unknown, and really the only thing I can think to do is to acknowledge that it’s there and try to breathe through it.

Last week of TPL

This is the fourth week of Typography and Page Layout. I never did these assignments for the class. I didn’t do anything for the last week last month when I decided to intentionally fail the class.

I have looked at the basic description for the assignments. One of them will be creating the cover for an imaginary magazine. I’ll most likely do something Dungeons and Dragons related just because I think that will be fun. The nerd in me will be proud.

There’s reading and a quiz I need to take, and several assignments which are still locked. I don’t know what they are, but I think they are critique based discussions. We’ll see tomorrow I guess, which is when the assignments become available.

I’m worried about this week. Everything is due on Friday, but I’m not going to be working on anything further today since I’ll be with mom, and I’m not sure how up for anything I will be tomorrow, which leaves only three days to complete everything. Arg.

I’ll figure it out, but that’s an added stress. I don’t know the ‘how’ other than sheer force of will, which always pulls me through, but it would be nice to have a more solid road map, which I won’t have until I sit down Wednesday and figure it out.

At least Wednesday is Shading and Lighting, which means I’ll have the time I need to get everything together.

Theoretically I will complete the reading and quiz, along with at least the first exercise. I don’t know what the discussion posts are, so I can only assume that since all five of those activities have to be completed by Friday along with everything else that they aren’t too insane.

Here’s to hoping…

Wedding Wishes

And here we are, at the last thing on my to-do list, at least as far as writing goes, and it’s the one thing that I don’t know what to say about. I have facts right now. And that’s it. I don’t have emotions. I feel empty and hollow, and sort of lost. I don’t know what to do, other than give up.

This past weekend was Sammie and Josh’s wedding. The wedding I was supposed to be the maid of honor for. The wedding where I was going to wear my purple dress and redye my hair for the first time since I shaved my head. The wedding where I was going to go out to Texas and see both of my friends for the first time in almost a year.

The wedding that I didn’t go to. The wedding that I messed up because I started being with Zane.

I understood her reasons for breaking up with me. I accepted them, and I didn’t blame Sammie. At the same time I didn’t feel like it was right to be her maid of honor anymore. I didn’t feel honorable and that I deserved that role.

So I didn’t go. I stepped down. I stayed home. I put the money I would have used for the trip towards my Care Credit card. I moved forward one day at a time, not really looking at this area because it hurt, and I didn’t know what to do with it, and because I didn’t think there was a way to fix it.

I had broken trust. I couldn’t go back into the past and change my actions.

This past weekend while Sammie was getting married I was fighting depression, and mostly losing. I ignored as many people as I could. I refused to look at my phone because I knew there would be messages there. I refused to check Gmail because it would tell me there were blogs that had new posts and I really should read them. I avoided Facebook because I didn’t want to read about other people’s lives and what they were having for breakfast, and who’s son did something cute.

I didn’t want people, anywhere, in my life. I didn’t want more stress, and obligations, and having to assure people that I was ok because I wasn’t and I wasn’t going to lie about it, but I didn’t want to talk about it either.

There’s nothing that can instantly fix my situation. It’s stressful. It’s literally my biggest fear being realized.  And in my head, it’s unfair to me.

That’s right. I said it. Ok… typed it. But that’s a step forward for me.

This situation, while it isn’t intentional, is unfair. And that’s why I have a problem with it. And there’s really not much that I personally can do to change it, so really I’m just left stewing in my own mind, which seems all to eager to swing everything to the “everything is falling apart, your life is a disaster, you’re bad and you should feel bad,” spectrum.

Me: Thanks brain… couldn’t we have slowly eased into that? Like maybe have a, “Hmmm, this sort of sucks,” level? Could we add that in instead of it being sunshine and rainbows or holy-heart failure batman? I would appreciate it if you could work on that for me…

So yeah. Fighting massive depression.

I had every intention of messaging both Sammie and Josh the next time that I seriously sat at the computer catching up on life. That was what I decided to do this morning while I was sitting on the couch holding my cup of coffee.

I couldn’t stay in my closed off state for much longer. I needed to reach out and maintain contact, so I was going to. But I had to get through most of today first. My mom was going to be here and I didn’t feel like I had the time to put social tasks first.

While my mom and I were having lunch I received messages on Facebook from Sammie saying that my silence wasn’t cool, mature, or an act of someone who cares.

So I’m left looking at those messages, feeling like this is another battle where I have to defend myself and my actions, another stint of depression ready to kick everything out from under me because what I was doing wasn’t the right thing.

It’s another social situation, obligation, where I’ve messed up before I’ve even tried.

I look at this situation in my head, this corner, and all I can to is stare. I don’t know where to begin to clean it. I don’t even know if I want to. If everyone already thinks that it’s ruined, messed up, that I’m a failure, then why should I even try. Why not leave it as a disaster?

I want to hide from it to be honest. I want to keep my silence since I’m already viewed as immature. I can feel myself getting more emotional over the situation. Maybe my initial reaction of feeling nothing was my defense mechanism kicking it. Shut down. Block it out. It’s just information.

But I guess under the surface, deep down where I’ve shoved all of this, I’m angry.

I’m angry, and I don’t want to respond while I’m angry, so it’s going to be more radio silence which will be taken as being immature and disrespectful, which will drive us further apart.

It’s another situation that I don’t feel is fair. I feel like I wasn’t even given a chance. I feel like my life and my own battles aren’t being considered in the equation of “Did I do the right thing?”.

I did, and was doing, what I felt like I was able to do. And it feels like that it wasn’t good enough. I don’t know if that’s logical and rational thought. Most likely not, but that’s how I feel, right now, writing about the event only a handful of hours after it happened.

I feel like it’s unfair. I’m angry about it. And instead of messaging, I’m going to go run so I can try to figure it out, because that’s the only thing I know to do to help with the anger and hurt.

Daily Post 0157: Partial Weekend Recap

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I’ve been fighting with the Evil Voice. You know… That one that’s always trying to whisper lies to you. The one that makes you think everything is horrible even though it’s not.

That’s been most of may days. Whenever I’m alone, left to myself, which I normally love, I find myself doubting. Worrying. Ripping myself apart from the inside.


Friday

I woke up Friday to a message saying my new glasses were in. Huzzah. I showered and went to pick those up before going to my sports bar. After looking at the receipt I have a new respect for my insurance. Everything totaled to just under $700, but with my insurance I paid $170. No more complaining about the cost of glasses. Scouts honor.

I had a bit of an adjustment period with them, but I think they’re fantastic and I love the transition lenses. I went out a bit on the extroverted limb and took a picture of me wearing them when I got to work and put it on Facebook. I figured I haven’t put a new picture of myself up for about a year, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

I went to the sports bar for lunch. This week is an ‘off’ week, so there weren’t bills to pay. Instead I read through the blogs I follow and replied to work messages. Really it was just some down / alone time.

It was actually sort of awkward for me because when I went to pay my card was declined.

I was actually waiting for the day this would happen. When I lost my wallet, what seems like forever ago now, I had to get a new debit card. I one I was given that day was a temporary card. I was told that my new card would come in the mail in roughly 10 business days.

Well… I never got it, and the temp card only lasts for 30 days before it expires and stops working. Of course I didn’t have enough time to go to the bank to get the situation figured out before work, so I asked my server if it was ok if I came back around 5pm, which is when I would be able to take care of the situation.

She was extremely understanding. I asked how my tip would get back to her, and she said that she would actually still be working at 5pm, so it would work out fine.

After arranging all of that I went to work, right before Florida’s daily torrential down pour. I got through all of the brain storming for the new project and got almost all of it blocked out.

I’m redesigning the book cover for Lord of the Flies, which is actually one of my favorite books. Since it is due tomorrow I will post the final composition, along with the ticket stub assignment which I haven’t gotten around to yet. Guess there will be lots of posting once I actually get around to doing it.

I was able to go to the bank and let them know that my temp card was being declined but that I had yet to receive my new card. They issued another temp card to me and when we verified the address the card was being mailed to we found that my new address had been entered into the system wrong, which is why it hadn’t been delivered.

So the card is hopefully taken care of. I actually received an email not too long ago saying the new one had been mailed and should be arriving soon.

I withdrew $20 from the ATM outside of the bank just to make sure the new temp card was working, which it was, so I went back to the sports bar to pay my bill. I had to wait a little bit for my server to be able to cash me out. They’re busier in the evenings, but eventually my bill was taken care of and I was able to go home.

I didn’t go to the gym even though I thought super hard about going to the kickboxing class again. In the end I felt that if I went my shins would have started acting up which I didn’t want.

Honestly, when I woke up Friday I didn’t feel ok. That was when the Evil Voice started making itself known. While I was out doing errands and keeping myself occupied at work I was mostly fine. I could ignore it. But when I got home I wasn’t fine, and I didn’t know why I wasn’t. It’s like I walked through the door straight into a wall of depression.

I went to the room. Zane was at his computer so I curled up in bed behind him facing the wall. After a few minutes he curled up beside me, wrapping his arm around my stomach and asked if I was ok.

Screw whoever invented that question.

I had already been fighting tears, so of course that fight became harder, and the whole time I’m fighting to keep them back I’m also kicking myself inside my head because I “shouldn’t” be feeling like this.

I told him about the new glasses, about how I got super far on my project, the bank adventure, and how today had really in the scheme of things been going well, but that I was sad and I didn’t know why, and that made me frustrated, and how I felt like crying for no reason, and that I was sorry that I felt like things were falling apart even though I knew they weren’t.

He made me roll over and put my head on his chest and we talked for a while. Voicing the negativity went a long way to dispelling it. We also went to Moe’s for dinner, which I was fine with since it had been my idea.

When we came home I played Witcher 3 until I was tired enough to sleep.

Oh. I also arranged it so that I have Monday and Tuesday free from work so I can spend it with my mom.

Saturday Recovery

Saturday was good. I don’t have a to-do list from it, so events are more hazy than other days, but yeah…

Zane cooked potatoes, steak, and eggs for breakfast. It’s the first time I’ve had steak in a while, and it was fantastic. Super rare. <3

We spent most of the time brainstorming the character sheets for the game he and his brother are about to run. When we were done with the brainstorming phase we went and got frozen yogurt then came back home to brainstorm the layouts for the different pages.

Those two things actually took most of the day. When we were both mentally burnt out on creativity I went back to Witcher 3. I accidentally ended up working through one of the main quest lines that I had been saving. That’s what I get for running around talking to people.

It was a pretty crazy story arc, and I’m actually glad I did it. The arc opened up a bunch of secondary quests afterwards, which I also worked through. And that secondary story arc was seriously messed up, like so many of the other side stories. I really love this game.

Zane stayed up later than me. I ended up waking up early. I don’t remember when because I didn’t look at the clock. It was still dark out. I still wanted to be asleep, but I was extremely warm. I ended up going out to the couch to cuddle with Scarlet since she’s taken to sleeping out there instead of in the room with me.

I was hoping the living room would be cooler, which it was. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up again it was bright outside. I crawled back into bed with Zane, sort of guilty feeling because I didn’t sleep the whole night with him. I slept for a bit more, but woke up after another REM cycle.

I cooked breakfast and had my coffee, but the whole time I was thinking about how today was most likely going to be a bad day. We had to meal plan, which meant grocery shopping. We had to get cat litter, and Zane had tested the water from the water filter yesterday evening and found that the filter needed to be replaced. I was pretty sure that was going to be $30.

I was thinking about how the shopping trips recently has been horrible experiences. I was thinking about how It was going to be another $150. I was thinking about a lot of things.

Zane came out while I was sitting on the couch, fighting with the Evil Voice.

He sat down on the couch with me. I set my cup down and put my head in his lap and told him about the Evil Voice while he pet my hair. I know that makes it sound like I’m crazy, and part of me is ok with that. Being crazy is just a side affect of being awesome.

Really the Evil Voice is just my worry, my fear, my doubt personified.

Anyway, I told Zane about my worry over the trip, the expense, and the potential negativity.

We ended up meal planning and figuring things out to keep our budget down this week. It helps that we have a fair amount of stuff leftover. Once we had meal planned and our shopping list made I showered and we went out.

It was actually a really pleasant trip, and our cashiers were super nice. We had to go to Walmart for the water filter, but that meant that I bought my coffee creamer from there as well, so I was able to get the Girl Scout Thin Mint flavor.

We came home, put the food away, and had lunch while watching another episode of Aldnoah Zero. After that I got to work setting up the character sheet for the game. I was still working on it when Uke came over.

It’s still really rough, and there are changes that need to be made to it, but we were able to get most of our stats figured out and get our characters’ backstories figured out tonight.

I’m going to be playing an elf, but elves in this game are different from standard pretty, magical elves. I’ll most likely more about that later. I’m pretty tired as it is, what with it being 3am and all.

After the character creation stuff I was feeling warm again. Zane got an ice pack for me, and that helped. I’m wondering if it’s a hydration issue. He and I talked about my character’s story more after Uke left. He eventually said that I needed to get my homework done, which I knew I did. It was nice to get my character’s story to an more solidified state.

I put in a few more hours on my project, and I’m pretty happy with it. There are minor things I wish I had done differently with the background image of the book cover. But I love the concept that I came up with, and I think overall the execution of it went well.

I talked to my mom. She’s at a hotel about three hours out. She’s going to message me tomorrow to let me know when she gets in the car to drive the last bit of the way to me.

Tomorrow is a full day. And there are still things about the weekend that I haven’t written about. Tons of events went on. For now I’ll stop writing though. I’m hungry again, so I need to eat, and I still need to drink a bottle of water which isn’t going to get done if I’m sitting here typing.

So I’ll end here and finish this recap tomorrow… or later today… logistics…

Daily Post 0156: Running on Fumes

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I ran another 15 minute mile today. I’m happy with that. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to break the 14 minute mark like I want. I have eight days to try. We’ll see how much my legs hate me.

This morning was super sluggish. Zane didn’t come to bed until six-ish. I got up around 10 I think. I honestly don’t remember the time. I had breakfast. I did my blog stuff, replied to a few emails.

I was tired and sore from kickboxing like I knew I would be. Convincing myself that going to the gym was what I really, truly wanted to do was hard. Eventually I did get dressed and out the door.

Had a pretty fantastic run. I took my yoga mat with me and ended up stretching really well in one of the racket ball rooms. I think that will be part of my routine now. I’ve been stretching upstairs near the area where I run, but I liked being able to shut the door and stare at a wall while pretending that no one was behind me. It was just me and the music.

When I came home I barely had enough time to shower and rush out the door to get to the bank before they closed. As it was I ended up forgetting my phone on the coffee table. I didn’t have enough time after the bank to go get it, so it ended up dying a horrible death due to neglect.

Work was fairly chill. I had a lot of interesting issues to troubleshoot through today, so that was actually fun. I got most of the work I wanted to get done on my assignment. The concept changed a few more times, but I like how it turned out for the most part. I’ll post it at some point; most likely tomorrow since I’m about to pass out at the keyboard.

After work I came home and cooked dinner. Catfish, rice, and veggies. The kitchen is already cleaned, and the leftovers are put away. I put in about another hour worth of work on my assignment before submitting it. I also replied to a few comments I had on the discussion post I made on Monday.

Oh. I also got to talk to my mom this morning. She’s going to be coming down on Monday and most likely staying until Tuesday afternoon. I can’t wait to see her.

Zane did laundry, so I need to put that away. It’s on my to-do list, but I really would rather save that for tomorrow. Which I really aught to make my to-do list for tomorrow, but at the same time I really don’t want to at the moment.

Tomorrow is Friday, which means sports bar day. I’m happy to say that I haven’t eaten out at all this week. It’s a good feeling. It makes tomorrow feel like the treat it’s suppose to be.

I feel like I’m more tired than I really should be. I didn’t do all that much today. At least it doesn’t feel like it.

I’m behind on drinking water. I have to have one more bottle before calling it a night. So maybe the cloths will get put away, just so I stay busy, since I’m not allowed to sit still and enjoy my night or anything.

Overall today was a good day.

Daily Post 0155: Kickboxing Kicked My…

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I went to the kickboxing class at the gym today. I’m still warm from it, hours later, three 28 fl oz bottles of water and a shower later. I’m still revved up so I know I will either a) not be sleeping tonight or b) taking NyQuil to knock myself out.

I’m not sure if this is something normal for working out, but it seems normal for me. I always go through this phase when I up my intensity. An object in motion wants to stay in motion. It’s physics. My body, my very cells, want to get going, keep moving, even though my brain is mush.

I woke up early again. 5:30. Wake. Wide awake. Not going back to sleep for a while awake. I was hungry and thirsty, too. Much lame. I ended up having an apple with peanut butter and poking around online for a bit. Since I was awake so early I looked to see what classes were at the gym. There was yoga at 8. I had already missed the spin class starting at 5:45.

I felt good about the yoga class, but I knew with my luck I would get to like 7:30 and suddenly get exhausted and go back to sleep. I wasn’t too far off. I only made it to 7. I did set my alarm for 8 just on the off chance that I could wake up again to go. But when the alarm went off I decided very quickly that sleep was more important. So off the alarm went.

I slept until 11 at which point I rolled over. Zane had his arm across his eyes, his palm upward with his fingers slightly curled. I stared at him for a while. He had gone to sleep with me last night. It was the first time in a while that we’ve actually gone to sleep together. Normally he stays up doing his own thing since at the moment he doesn’t really have a reason to have a bed time.

He stayed up the whole day on only three hours of sleep so he would be able to go to sleep with me last night. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having him against my back. It was nice to not feel alone.

It felt nice to wake up and roll over and see him sleeping, to hear his breathing. I put my fingers against his, holding his hand as he slept, and just thought over the situation we’re both in.

He ended up waking up. I said good morning, which lead him asking what time it was. He asked if I had gotten up last night. When I had come back to bed he had made some joke about how dare I go to the restroom, and I mentioned how I had been up for almost two hours. He had said something to the effect of ‘oh,’ and gone back to sleep almost instantly. It was pretty cute.

I guess he wasn’t sure if that had actually happened or not. Yes it did happen. I explained how I had thought about going to the gym, but came back to bed instead. We both got up eventually and had breakfast. He had a yogurt with granola. I had scrambled eggs with salsa and cheese.

We watched an episode of our new anime, Aldnoah Zero. By then it was 12:20 and I had to shower to go to school. Lab was uneventful. I got caught up on all of my emails and messaging. I researched more for my ticket stub assignment. I have a solid concept now, and I have the text and dimensions blocked out for the InDesign file.

Tomorrow I’ll be creating the graphics I need and picking the fonts I want to use. I would like to be finished with the assignment before coming home so I can begin work on the final project for the week.

Anyway, I made fairly good progress on the design before the end of lab. When it was over I went to the bank, intending to get a money order for half of the rent that is owed. I thought the branch I go to stayed open until 5pm, but I guess that’s only on Fridays. They closed at 4 today, so I wasn’t able to get the order like I wanted. Much lame…

I came home instead. The kickboxing class was at 7pm, so I had a little bit of time to kill before the gym. Zane and I chatted for a while, which was nice. He told me about jobs he’s been applying to. I talked about school and how my project was late. He asked why and I mentioned because of how rough Monday had been between us. He agreed that it had gone pretty bad. We both apologized for the parts we played in the downward spiral.

I ended up going to the bed room to rest for an hour. Not really sleep, just to be alone and in silence for a little while. Scarlet came with me, so we had some cuddly bonding time. It was nice. She hasn’t been sleeping on the bed with me at night recently.

I got up around 6:45, changed, and headed to the gym.

It was a fantastic class. There is a woman teaching it, which I’m more comfortable with, and there were only three other people there, so there was tons of space, and all of them were girls, too. No “Do you even lift bro” dudes to worry about.

It was a great class, a fantastic workout, and I’ll totally be going back to it as often as I can.

That being said, I can already feel my legs are super tired, and I can only imagine what my shoulders are going to be like tomorrow. Angry. Most likely angry.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a run day. I’m not sure if my legs will be up for it, but I’m hoping so. I want to do a 14 minute mile by the end of the month. I don’t know how realistic that is. But it gives me something to work towards.

Zane had dinner cooking when I got back from the gym. We watched another episode of Aldnoah Zero. Afterwards we ended up running to the gas station so I could get some Gatorade. Water wasn’t doing enough for me, and eating didn’t seem to be the issue either since I ate my bowl, and the little bit that Zane didn’t want. The Gatorade is helping, I think, but I’m still warm and wired.

I’m going to make my to-do list, finish another bottle of water along with my Gatorade… I feel like I’m part fish right now… And then call it a night.

Daily Post 0154: Calm Before the Down?

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It’s not quite the end of the day, but it will do for writing. I have the time to do it, and solitude for the most part. The last lab is quiet, and rarely have questions. I’ve already completed everything else I need / want to do, so writing is the next item on the to do list.

I woke up around noon. I gently shook Zane awake since he had asked me to. I told him I was getting up and that he had wanted me to wake him as well. I have to admit that I was expecting him to go back to sleep. He’s done that a few times already; said that he wanted to wake up at a certain time, then not.

I was surprised and pleased that he actually woke up with me, though. And he was seirous about cooking me breakfast. He asked what I wanted. Not only was he getting up after only sleeping a few hours, but he was going to do something on my to-do list for me. <3

Egg samich with bacon, preez. : 3

I got to sit and drink my coffee while he cooked breakfast. I was fighting off the last bit of NyQuil so I was sluggish, fuzzy, but the caffeine was helping to burn away the fog in my brain.

I was on edge a bit. We had ended on a ‘good-ish’ note last night. Having an hour and a half to myself in the kitchen had helped, and when I came back into the room with our dinner Zane left me alone as far as additional prodding. We focused on the show, which was pretty funny.

Nothing further was said last night as far as the shopping trip, or the discord that I feel we were both blowing out of proportion. Of course I think that only because it’s in the past and I’ve had all day to reflect back on both Zane and my’s perspectives.

I was in the middle of writing my to-do when Zane brought out a plate with my sandwich. He wasn’t hungry, so he didn’t cook anything for himself.

It was awesome that he set the plate down on the table before sitting in the chair beside the couch. He let me finish writing everything out giving me the space and silence I needed to do that. It was a good feeling. Like he understood, which I think he does.

We had a spat one time about it. I was in the middle of writing at my desk in the room. He had been in the kitchen or living room, and had wanted to clean the inside of my computer. He stated talking to me, and I asked if it was ok if I finished my to-do list first, which he said yes to, but then continued to talk to me instead. I waited for him to be finished with the topic then went back to trying to make my to-do list, but he was walking around the room, sort of talking to himself, so I went out to the living room, which was empty. I couldn’t focus on the thoughts in my head with the other noise going on. I had just started writing when he came out and started talking to me again. I thought I would kill something…

It was a learning experience. And I think that’s why he let me finish this morning. It meant a lot to me. Not only was he being super awesome and getting out of bed when he really could sleep the whole day if he wanted, but he cooked me breakfast too, and was being patient with me even though we had a super crappy day / night yesterday, which he most likely wanted to talk.

My morning routine means a lot to me, with my #1 task being “Make to-do list,” followed closely by “Enjoy cup of coffee”. Getting to do both was a great way to get the day started right.

We talked. We’re ok. He’s feeling less depressed, which I’m glad for. I’m feeling less depressed because it doesn’t feel like things are falling apart around me.

I made the salads for the week. I ended up going to the gym and running. It was a good run. I went to work afterwards. First lab was pretty decent.

During second lab I finished working on the project for last week. It was due last night, but with everything that went on I didn’t finish it. I’m frustrated with myself over that fact, but I’m trying not to dwell on it. I can’t go back and change it.

I emailed my instructor to see if I could get feedback for my work. She emailed me back saying sure and allowed me to submit the assignment. I have already completed the reading and the quiz for this week. Another 100. I actually am a good student when I try to be…

I completed the discussion post, and have already completed the brainstorming for the exercise for this week. It’s the ticket stub assignment again, which was actually pretty cool last time. I’m looking forward to working on it.

I’m glad I went to the gym today. I’m glad I’m not letting myself be depressed. Tomorrow I will get the money order for half of the rent. I’ll block out my concept for the ticket stub. I’ll go to the spin class like I want to. I’m not sure what else I’ll do, but I’m sure there will be more. Like cooking dinner.

Today hasn’t had any downs yet. I’m hoping it stays that way when I go home.

Daily Post 0153: Emotional Roller Coaster of Doom

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The title pretty much says it all. I was so done with yesterday by the time I went to sleep it wasn’t even funny.

I was still pretty bitter about how I felt Zane was inconsiderate with the laptop situation. When I got home I hadn’t shaken the emotions, so I knew we were going to talk about it because he was going to pick up on my agitation, and instead of leaving me be he was going to ask about it, which he did.

“Is everything alright?”

Me: Please refer back to this post to know how much I want to claw your face off right now.

No I’m not fine. No, I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but we’re going to talk about it now, right before I go to the gym which would most likely fix everything because nothing is actually wrong I just need to run some steam off, because you won’t leave it alone, which isn’t going to go well for either of us.

And it didn’t.

We talked. Both of us felt bad afterwards. I left the room fully intending to go to the gym but ended up sitting on the couch alone instead, because the thought of going to a spin class and being around people ranked right along side stabbing my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

Eventually Trevor came home, which got Zane out of the room, at which point he realized I hadn’t gone to the gym. He took me back to the room, we talked more, and actually sort of evened everything out. We were both feeling better at least.

I was feeling drained from all of the emotional ups and downs, so I wasn’t going to the gym at all that night, and I accepted that. Instead we went grocery shopping, which caused things to swing bad again, since we were over budget. A budget I might add, that is meant for one person, not two.

With my whole “Joining the Army” thing I have gone back to my previous eating habits, where I eat 5 small meals throughout the day, rather than 3 large ones. That means I needed snack options. I decided to get yogurts this week since normally there are deals for it. The one this week was 10 for $8. Since I only needed 5 I let Zane pick out five that he wanted. And we both got Luna bars which was something like 5 for $6.

Anyway, what we got really isn’t a big deal. I don’t think $150 for two people is really all that bad. There was also dish detergent, paper towels, nair, and multivitiams in this shopping trip. So not all of it was food oriented. I actually was pretty ok with the bill even though it sucks that it’s more that what I wanted. For two people it’s realistic and decent. We got a lot of fresh stuff, and the meals we will have line up with my health goals.

My brain as we leave the store: It’s not a perfect situation, but we’ll be ok.

What started the massive downward spiral that became the terrible experience of last night was as we were walking out of the store Zane said, “I know my Luna bars and yogurts wasn’t $50 worth of groceries, but next time I’ll go without them.”

Holy fuck, dude. Are you serious? I specifically told you to pick out stuff. Like, basically had to break your arm I was twisting it so hard so you would pick out yogurts because I’m not going to eat 10 of them on my own. If I hadn’t of wanted to you get those things, I wouldn’t have let you get them.

So I was instantly frustrated because of how self-deprecating his comment was. I’m having a hard enough time keeping my own emotional shit together. I don’t have it in me to hand hold you through your own trials and tribulations of self worth. At least not today. Sorry, not sorry that with everything that has been going on in the past few days that I can’t be patient right now.

So all of that went through my brain in .00001 seconds. I was silent rather than saying anything, though, which Zane didn’t like. I didn’t have anything pleasant to say. It was purely an emotional response and I needed a little bit to let the emotions pass before formulating a rational response. And I didn’t want to say anything while we were walking past people in the middle of a busy parking lot. Our issues are none of their business. We could talk about it in the car where we’re alone and able to talk freely. It wasn’t the time or place for a conversation which would basically amount to, “Man up.”

By the time we got to the car Zane said that he would leave me alone and not talk to me, and it just kept spinning further and further to disaster. And things had been going so well…

Arg.

So we got home, I was constantly in the way as we were putting groceries away, which frustrated Zane so he went to the room. Trevor and Danielle were in the living room, so I couldn’t hide there when the food was taken care of, so I went to the room where Zane was at his computer. I laid in bed for a while, but it sucked that I felt so alone when he was less than a foot away from me.

We were mutually ignoring each other. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

Eventually I got up. I was going to go make the salads for the week and prep most of the food for the meals. I need to ‘do’ something, anything, other than stay in the room drowning in my own head and negative thoughts.

Kitchen stuff would be mostly repetitive tasks that wouldn’t require a lot of focus. I could zone out for the most part, I could be alone. It seemed like a good option. Infinitely better than staying in bed being depressed.

I took my phone and put a song on repeat. It was The Winter, again. No lyrics to worry about. Just soothing sound.

After a few minutes Zane came out into the kitchen asking if I was going to start dinner, and pulling stuff out to do it.

I hadn’t planned on it. I wanted to be alone which is why I left the room. That’s why I had headphones in because I don’t feel like talking. But whatever. Dinner needs to get cooked sooner rather than later, so yeah, sure, we can do this.

He cut up the veggies as I continues snapping the green beans that we’ll be using later in the week. It’s the task I had been doing before he came out, so I was going to finish it so it was done.

Zane wanted to see the recipe for the soba dish we were making, so I had to bring up the recipe for him. He noticed it was more of a soba salad rather an a soup and asked if I wanted the veggies for the dish sautéed. I said I could sauté them.

I guess I was being apathetic and frustrating for him. He asked if we could go back to the room to talk again, where he mentioned that by not talking to him he felt bad. Unvalued. Because it seemed like I didn’t respect him enough to talk about the issue bothering me.

… I thought you were the one who wasn’t going to talk to me. You’re also the one who was sitting in front of the computer, not talking or touching me when I came back into the room. And when I got up to be alone so I could find some sort of balance, you followed me…

Everything went wrong when we left the grocery store. So wrong, that it makes me not want to ask you to go with me next time. That’s twice in a row that it’s been a pretty horrendous experience.

I said that I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t ready to talk. I said I was sorry he felt that way.

I went back to cooking dinner and prepping food while he stayed in the room. It was heard to breath. It was hard to see through the tears of anger, frustration, and sadness. Over the course of cooking and cleaning I settled down. By the time I brought the food into our room I was at least on even ground again.

We listened to a comedian. I don’t remember his name, but he’s a British guy who is super crude. Extremely funny.

We ate dinner, which I thought came out pretty well. I would make it again, I don’t think Zane cared for it though. So we’ll see. I eventually went to sleep while he stayed up. I woke up around 3:30 alone. He was in the living room playing Fallout 3.

I got some water and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I wasn’t in the mood to play the insomnia game, so at 5:30 I took NyQuil, put The Winter on to play while I slept, and had more water. I was knocked out within 15 minutes, which my exhausted brain was ok with.

Zane came to bed at some point. The sun was up. He said to wake up him, no matter what, when I got up. He said he wanted to make me breakfast.

I woke up around noon due to the NyQuil. I woke up rested. Emotionally tired, but rested.

And for now that’s where I’ll end this. I’ll recap the rest of everything later tonight at the end of the day.