fitness

Daily Post 142: Jujitsu Killed Me

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Friday was a good day. Grace and I spent a long time talking at the sushi cafe. We always end up spending at least three hours hanging out when we finally work our schedules around to the point where we can see each other. Socially I was drained by the time we parted ways, but the lunch and company were fantastic so I didn’t mind feeling so tired. It was worth it.

I got through more of the “in” box. There’s still a few things left to pick through, but it’s mostly empty now. I have a small pile of donation stuff. I gave some things to Warren. I threw more stuff away. I set up my toll pass finally, not that I really need it anymore. I paid to renew my tags so I should get those before too long. I turned in my change of address form and updated all of my “important” accounts with my new address like my bank.

I even set up the remote desktop functionality on my Surface so I can access my desktop, and, by proxy, the Mac virtual machine, no matter where I am. All I need is an internet connection. Once I get Maya installed on my desktop that means I’ll be able to work on my projects where ever I want, not just as home. It will be like old times when I had the Macbook laptop.

So, yeah. Lots of adulting. Lots of good feels in that regard.

I wrote to mom yesterday shortly before going to see Big Bad. That was hard but needed and long overdue. I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I figured out that aspect of my journey.

My evening with Big Bad went well. We talked for a while before wrestling. He told me about his week. I told him about the trip home. We wrestled. He still won every time, but I was able to get out of his locks a handful of times, so I’m getting better.

This morning while we were having coffee I told him about the potential, maybe, “sort of thinking about it” job offer. He thinks I should go for it.

Me: Would I still be able to see you when I come home?
Big Bad: Of course.

I know insecurity is the reason I asked the question, but hearing his response makes me feel a smidgen better about pursuing this possibility. One of the reasons, honestly, maybe the only reason, the thought of moving or having to leave Orlando makes me panic is because I’m worried about losing or harming the dynamics in my life. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m abandoning them. I feel like I need to keep the people I have in my life because I’m not ready to lose anyone else yet, which may be a slightly unhealthy mentality I need to meditate on.

Taking emotions out of it… this is a really good opportunity. I honestly couldn’t think of a way it could be better for my career aside from it not requiring me to be onsite in California. Amazing pay, benefits, excellent credit to my resume, content I could use for future demo reels, contacts…

The only downside I can come up with is that it’s in Californa. Emotionally, that’s a really huge downside, though. Like, “almost a deal breaker from the get-go” downside.

I need to crunch numbers. I need to reach out to a few other people to make sure this won’t damage anything between us, and to meditate on my course of action if any of those answers come back as “yes”.

At most, it would be eleven months of my life. Eleven months of traveling to Orlando about every other week to see the people I love and care about. Eleven months of most likely living in an extended stay most of the time. Eleven months to build the most solid foundation I could ask for. A foundation I could use here in Orlando once those eleven months are over.

The more I think about it the more I want to try for it. For myself. This would be good for me. It would be like the validation I felt when I was doing freelance for [insert big company name here]. I know I can do this work. I know I would crush it and be amazing. It would be another experience where big name people come back and say, “We like your work.”

It’s a huge ego boost and I do think that would be a positive thing right now. It would let me see if I do want to continue in this field, one I used to have so much passion for. One I still smile about and geek out over when I explain to people what I used to do before I resigned from my job.

I honestly think trying for this job would be smart of me.

But…

I need to talk to my blacksmith. I know he will be supportive. I know he wants me to do well in life and to be happy. Out of everyone in my life I honestly think he is the person I need to worry the least about. Funny how he’s the one I’m worried about the most.

Before, when it was looking like I would move to Vegas to live near my older brother, he was supportive, saying we would find a way to make it work.

This is a much more agreeable situation for “making it work” since I would be pulling in the income needed to actually be able to come home. I don’t know why there’s more anxiety now over the thought of telling him about this possibility. Maybe it’s fear of rejection or confrontation. Fear that maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s fear about my situation becoming unstable again since I’ve only recently found solid ground.

Those seem like silly things to fear, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m not as fearless as I thought during my last musing moment. I still have a sense of self-preservation. I need to make sure it’s fear for the right reasons, though. Fear to the point of feeling like my world is shattering over simply the thought of having to move again doesn’t seem like a good thing. It feels more like a phobia or the panic / PTSD I feel when the plane takes off on the runway.

This fear makes my breath short and my body tense. It makes my brain panic and freeze. I can’t think past the thought of moving. Breathing is hard. My body aches as if I’m being punched in the chest. The loudest thought in my head becomes, “I don’t want to move.” It repeats over and over like a desperate plea rather than a conviction, and it’s only by eventually reminding myself that I don’t have to move, it’s not an obligation, it’s not something I’m being forced to do, that I’m able to ease the tension away.

Knowing the contract is temporary and that I could potentially keep my home here in Orlando helps a lot with the panic. It’s not the situation I thought it was. It’s not a permanent thing. There would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and as long as I keep my mind on the goals I’m accomplishing by fulfilling the contract, then I think I would be able to keep a, “worth it” mentality.

Still, I feel like it’s something I should bring up in my next therapy session.

I didn’t go running this morning, which I’m actually grateful for because jujitsu totally, completely, utterly killed me. I didn’t realize it until I was walking up the stairs to go to my room. I got done at the gym and felt a little tired, a little sore, but nothing crazy. Mostly I was just super hungry and thirsty.

My body rebelled about halfway up the stairs, reminding me, “hey, muscles need rest. By the way, I hate you.” Instead of moving forward with all of the productive things I had in mind for the day I crawled into bed and slept for the next forever. I didn’t get back out of bed until 4pm. I’m still super tired feeling, but it’s a physical tired, so I don’t mind it. Hopefully, it means I’ll sleep well tonight.

When I woke up I went through Omnifocus and did the few chores left over from yesterday, as well as all of the things I wanted to get done today. Well… everything except grocery shopping.

Warren and I are going to do that tomorrow. I’m making green curry this week and need to pick up a few things for it, so Warren’s going to go with me that way he gets to see the oriental market I go to. Tomorrow night I’m having dinner with Nicole since I haven’t seen her in roughly three weeks. Monday I have dinner plans with my brother. I’m going to be meeting one of his friends from when he was stationed in Germany.

So much social. ;-;

I am for sure, no backing out, going to go for a run tomorrow since the gym is closed on Sunday.

Oh, and I was able to put my boxing membership on hold rather than having to cancel my account. That’s nice. I would rather try out the dojo for a bit just to make sure before completely dropping boxing.

Monday there’s a jujitsu class in the early afternoon I want to go to. There is a Muay Thai fundamentals class in the evening but going to that will depend on when dinner with Jon ends. Big Bad wants me to come over Monday night to show him what I learned today in class.

Oh man, is he in for a surprise. I know the back hook now, two chokes, and an escape. His days of winning are so numbered.

And with that, I’m going to go cross stitch for a bit while listening to American Gods before passing out again.

Daily Post 140: All of the Things and a Giant Middle Finger

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Sooo… that writing streak that I had… yeah… didn’t stick with it. : /

Friday I got a bike. Woohoo. Warren drove with me to check it out since he has a truck. I wanted to make sure I would be able to get the bike home if I liked it and I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my little car since I still don’t have a bike rack. It’s on the to get list.

I rode the bike around a little, it seemed to pull a bit to the left, but overall it was a really nice ride. From my previous research, I knew I was getting the bike for a pretty good price, and it is in extremely good condition. So yeah, I am now the proud and completely content owner of my very own bike. : 3

Warren took me to the bike shop to have the guys give it a tune up. They said it wouldn’t be done until Monday most likely, which sort of sucked, but what was I going to do? Not get it tuned up? It needed a bit of work with the tires, and I wanted a starting point for its maintenance history. So I resigned myself to not getting the bike back until Wednesday since I was going to be out of town Monday.

Saturday I drove up to Daytona and had lunch with my brother. I cried on the drive up there. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that driving on I4 is the route I would take when I drove home to see mom…

Either way, I remember being tired because the previous days had been draining socially. Crying didn’t help make me feel energized.

Despite the crying at the beginning of the trip it ended up being a really pleasant visit. Jon and I talked about our plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We hashed out our game plan for Monday since I was going with him to South Carolina as an emotional support and to be his witness in divorce court. We got lunch at Hooters since we had memories of going there for wings with our dad. We ended the day by going to a card shop Jon really likes and played a few games of Magic the Gathering.

While we were headed to the card shop I got a phone call saying the bike was done and that I could pick it up. Hooray! I could totally pick the bike up on Sunday and go for a ride. That would make up for all of the socializing I was forcing myself through.

A really nice, long, solitary bike ride with lots of sun and good music from Spotify. Sign me up!

I left after three games with Jon since I had a card night to go to at Frank’s house. We’ve had it planned since last month, and actually the one last month I didn’t really go to. I went to his house and remade my resume and then went home to keep on trucking through updating my websites and such for the potential job at Corey’s company… Hard to believe that was only last month…

Anyway, yeah… Since I skipped out on the last card night I didn’t feel like it would be right for me to miss this one, regardless of how socially tired I was. Didn’t help that Frank was going to grill a prime rib because of a joke I had made about getting him coal for Christmas. He said to make it charcoal since that grills well. Fast forward through about five minutes worth of Facebook messages and he’s grilling an awesome dinner for me and everyone else. Totally not how I meant the conversation to go, but it made me really look forward to the night. I didn’t want to back out of it, especially when he had changed plans and was doing something special for / because of me.

So, like a diligent, timely, responsible adult, I left Daytona with plenty of time to spare because I wanted to make sure I got to Frank’s on time. Halfway through my trip back to Orlando my front right tire went flat. I was able to pull off to the side of the road without causing any sort of accident, but it still sucked because not only did I have a flat tire on the side of the interstate with no car jack, not that it would have helped me since I have never been shown how to change a tire, but I also found out I don’t have roadside assistance and had to pay $60 to have someone come help me.

It’s another moment where I’m aware of how much my mentality has changed. Just like with the car battery, I didn’t freak out or feel like the world was falling apart. Instead, I sighed, rummaged around for my insurance card which had a roadside assistance number on it and arranged to get help. Falling apart didn’t even enter my mind. Calling other people for help didn’t either. I was going to figure it out, one way or another, and I did.

The guys who came and helped me said my tire blew out in three places. One spot on the outside looked like I had hit something, but I didn’t remember hearing, seeing, or feeling anything odd while I was driving. Just a hissing sound, then “thud thud thud thud” which didn’t sound good at all…

They put the donut tire on my car and said I would be able to make it to Orlando fine, just to make sure I got the tire replaced in the morning before driving too much. Knowing I could make it back home helped keep me from going into a negative, worry-filled headspace.

My mind was already to-do listing it out. I knew the tires needed to be replaced, so I could get that taken care of in the morning before doing all of my pre-trip chores. Maybe I could get the car tuned up too since I was going to be driving for the trip.

I was a little late getting to Frank’s house, but overall it wasn’t too bad. I was beyond grateful for the dinner and drinks and good time which helped me relax even as it drained me of the last little bit of energy that I had. I ended up leaving around 10pm.

Sunday started with a phone call to see about getting the car looked at. With that taken care of, I started painting the baseboards in the office. I also did laundry because having clean clothes is nice.

When Warren woke up he agreed to run around doing errands with me. We took the closet doors for the laundry room down since they prevented us from opening the dryer door all the way. Talk about poor design…

Big Bad and I made plans to meet at a park later in the afternoon so everything worked out pretty well. Warren and I dropped the car off at the shop. That was expensive… but having tires is nice and worth it.

And I mean… if I’m honest, aside from oil changes this is really the first major expense I’ve had to invest into my car. So I really can’t complain all that much. It may have been cheaper to go to the dealership, but the shop wasn’t open on Sunday and I received excellent service from the staff at the Firestone I went to. So yeah, no complaints other than I would have rather not have had to spend that money.

Warren and I stopped by the storage unit to put the closet doors away. After that we went to the bike shop to get my bike. And from there we parted ways. Warren went to the dog park with Bruno and I biked over to meet with Big Bad.

Seeing him was a lot of fun, and I’ll most likely not say more about that particular part of my day.

When we were walking back towards his house it came up that I was going to be biking home and that I was only a smidgen worried about biking so far after having such a long hiatus from biking in general. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me biking such a long distance, which I was only mildly miffed about. The competitive contrarian inside my head wanted to puff up.

Irrational Brain: Screw you! I can totally bike that distance!

Rational Brain: No. Really… You might want to take him up on his offer…

We reached an agreement. He would walk to his house and get his van. I could keep biking and get as far as I could before he caught up with me. After that he would drive me the rest of the way home.

I told him to make sure the van said “free candy” on the side or I wouldn’t get in. XD

I ended up making it all the way to another park a few miles away before he caught up to me. I was pretty pleased with his comment of, “Wow, you bike fast.”

Pardon me while I mentally flex and feel like a badass even though I haven’t biked in literally seven months.

I’ve noticed Big Bad and I spend more time talking. Sharing stories. It’s like when we share coffee in the morning. There’s a comfortableness that I appreciate and value. It also reminds me of how there are a million ways to say “I care”.

Have you eaten?
Call me when you get home.
Put your seat belt on.
I hope you have a good day.

His concern over me biking home made me feel cared for and I appreciated him taking time out of his day to make sure I was safe.

It also meant when I got home that I got a bottle of water then biked down to the bike trail and proceed to do an eight-mile bike ride because I wasn’t going to be cheated out of a bike ride.

I wanted to see what it would be like if I biked to the gym I want to start going to and back. While it’s light outside it’s not bad, but I don’t think I would want to bike the trail at night. We’ll see how that ends up working out, but yeah. Having a bike again is amazing and I love it.

By the time I got back home from my experimental bike adventure the car was ready to be picked up. Jon had driven down to hang out with a friend and messaged me asking if I wanted to do dinner. Warren and I were both hungry, so we all met up at the sports bar for food and more Magic the Gathering while the jocks around us watched football because we’re nerds with no shame. By the time we were done hanging out I was exhausted.

I came home and had wonderful thoughts of continuing to be productive. Thoughts that were banished from my head the moment I laid down on my bed because I pretty much instantly fell asleep.

Monday I woke up and cooked some food so it wouldn’t go bad while I was gone. I also finished packing and doing the chores I should have done the night before. I was about thirty minutes late getting on the road, but all in all, the day was off to a good start.

I cried again on the trip to Jon’s apartment.

I made it to Daytona fine. Jon got in the car with his stuff and we continued on our way. We made it into South Carolina around 9:30pm. After checking into our hotel we went to a little dinner place that we used to go to with mom. We talked for a while. About her. About life. About different things that have happened to us in our relationships, both past and current ones.

We went back to the hotel after eating and slept. Well… he slept. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t sleep well in new places, and I hadn’t had a chance to do a workout so I had too much energy in me.

Tuesday morning came too soon, and yet not soon enough. We both woke up and showered. We got breakfast at a Waffle House. Another place we both have memories of mom at. We went to the place she always took us to get our hair cut. Jon and mom were pretty close to the hairdressers, so Jon wanted to stop by and say hi.

While we were there I got about two inches cut off of my hair. The ends were getting icky.

When we were done at the salon Jon and I went to see a friend of mom’s. Mrs. Terry used to babysit us. I have a lot of fond memories of paper mache and swimming in her pool and sleepovers and warm summer days playing outside. Mrs. Terry was amazing, and she was an extremely close friend of mom’s.

When Jon and I had been in South Carolina for the service we had tried to see Mrs. Terry, but it hadn’t worked out and we had to leave before we could contact her. Since we had time before Jon’s court appointment we decided to try to see her again. This time, if she wasn’t there, we were going to leave a card with our numbers on it asking her to call one of us. We knew she needed to know. Somehow, one of us had to tell her.

We didn’t need the card, though. She was home this time. She hugged me and ushered both of us inside. I was the one to tell her mom died. I explained what happened. We exchanged contact information. Jon and I briefly caught her up on our lives, and she told us what she had been doing. She said she had been thinking of mom and us for months and had never gotten around to reaching out.

I said we had been thinking of her, too.

After we left her house I was quiet, lost in my thoughts.

Me: “You know. It’s comments like that that make me feel like it’s unfair.”

Jon: “Like what?”

Me: ” Mrs. Terry saying, ‘She was younger than me.'”

I don’t try to stop the tears when I’m around Jon. I know he understands. They were rolling down my cheeks as I continued to drive. He squeezed my shoulder and we rode in silence for most of the way.

We went to the courthouse. Jon was nervous. Scott ended up showing up. He’s an ex that Jon dated for a while. Mom and really liked Scott, and I’m super happy Jon has been able to maintain his friendship with him through everything. It was good to see him.

I was sworn in as Jon’s witness, saying he and Nathan have lived seprately, that they haven’t reconsiled, and that if they had I would have known about it. It was the first time I had been to court. It was the first time being sworn in. It was an interesting experience.

Once it was done Jon and I went to an Irish pub for dinner then got back on the road to head home.

The trip wasn’t as bad as when I drove back with Warren, but it was a lot of driving in 48 hours and by the time I dropped Jon off in Daytona I was ready to be done with it. I didn’t get home until 11pm last night.

Warren was awake watching TV. I opened the door, hung up my keys, said goodnight and walked up the stairs. That might have been really shitty of me, but I had nothing left to give. I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep the night before, explained my mom had died and how, gone to court, and drove 7 hours in a single day.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide. I wanted mom to be alive so I could call her and tell her that I had made it home ok.

I didn’t bother doing anything other than crawling into bed. No unpacking. No checking the sink to see if there were dirty dishes. Nothing mattered. Everything could wait. Everything would be fine until the morning.

And it was.

I woke up today around 9am. I woke up tired, but it wasn’t an, “I didn’t sleep enough” type of tired. It was more of an, “I’ve done a crap ton of stuff in a short period of time with not enough downtime” sort of tired.

Warren messaged me around noon to see if I was ok and alive. My reply was “Ded”. His reply of “RIP” was cute. I apologized for my rudeness when I had gotten home the night before. He said he understood and figured I had been done with the world.

I didn’t get about of bed until 1:30pm and the only reason I did that was because my body demanded to be fed because it’s annoying like that.

Bruno sat outside with me while I drank my coffee. It seems to be part of the routine now. I enjoy his presence actually. He’ll sit in front of me and let me pet him. Sometimes he’ll lay down on the walkway in front of me while I lean against the door. He’s a German Shepard / Yellow Lab mix. He reminds me a lot of Diageo, Warren #2’s dog. I’m not much of a dog person, but both Diageo and Bruno are extremely well behaved, and they’re super lovable. The only way they could be cooler was if they were cats.

Warren came out eventually to join the party. Part of me wasn’t ready to talk, another part of me wanted to not be alone. The “not alone” part won out.

I brainstormed my day out loud since Warren was there. I also mentioned that was his “punishment” for intruding on my coffee time since that’s when I normally do all of my planning. If someone’s there I’m more likely to think vocally rather than silently.

I came up with five things I wanted to do today. Only five. I could relax the rest of the day as long as I was a little productive beforehand. One of the things I wanted to do was bike to the post office to check the mail. I was hoping doing something physical would help burn through the tiredness. Maybe it would even start a domino effect as far as productivity went and I would end up getting more done than I had originally thought.

It wasn’t that far of a ride. A little over two miles one way. It would have been a great ride except it wasn’t until I was standing in front of my PO box that I realized I had left the mailbox key in my car… you know… the one I left parked at the apartment…

FML…

So… Since there wasn’t much else I could do I biked back home empty handed. I had noticed before I left the apartment that I was out of Gatorade, so I figured all wasn’t lost. I potentially could go to the store, and while out and about for the store I could swing by the post office and still check the mail.

After doing a few other chores that’s what I did. Warren ended up going with me. I was grateful for his company.

There wasn’t anything super important in the mailbox.

Nothing important. Nothing that required any action on my part, but it was still hard to read. It was a letter from our lawyer in Vegas, the one handling mom’s estate. It was a notice that Jason is going to be appointed the executor and that there is a hearing on December 2nd. I only need to show up if I wish to contest, which I don’t.

It seems silly to me to have any sort of pain with reading something that really might as well have been junk mail. I knew Jason was filing a full probate and that he would be appointed the executor. I knew there was legal stuff that went along with that. One of those things being that it could be, but wouldn’t be, contested by myself or Jon.

Seeing my mom being referred to as deceased… reading those words… knowing that someone is going to say my mom’s name in court and on the record she will be deceased… it’s like the Universe taking a shank and stabbing me in the kidneys. Again.

You would think at some point there wouldn’t be fresh places to stab… I’m guessing Life is taking that as a challenge to prove me wrong.

I told Warren there weren’t bills, but that I had gotten the letter. My voice almost couldn’t form the words as I explained what the letter said. The date was the hardest thing to say. It felt like when I had been hiking with Jason and explaining how some days were fine and other days really sucked. It felt like I was going to choke on the date. It felt like admitting, vocalizing, those words would strangle me.

I told him I would have rather gotten a bill.

He squeezed my shoulder, much the way Jon had done yesterday after leaving Mrs. Terry’s house. Sometimes there aren’t words. Sometimes it just sucks and the only thing you can keep doing is moving forward. So that’s what we did.

We went to Publix to do the shopping. Since we were both hungry we went to Jersey Mike’s first. It was in the same plaza so it wasn’t much of a detour and I’m a firm believer of not shopping while you’re hungry. While we were waiting in line he hugged me, pulling me close, and again, I let the tears do their thing rather than fighting them. I hurt and I wanted a hug and I didn’t care if that made anyone else uncomfortable.

I’ve gotten to the point where anyone who has an issue with my tears can go fuck themselves. I’m not staying in bed being depressed and that’s great and all but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it still sucks or hurts. The tears help me get through the pain and to keep going and I’m not going to be ashamed of them. I’m not going to hide or feel like it’s wrong of me.

My mom died and my friend was giving me a hug and there were tears. There’s nothing wrong with that. Life doesn’t only happen behind the closed doors of homes or when it’s “convenient”. Sometimes it happens in the middle of a parking lot as you read a letter or while you’re waiting to tell the person behind the counter yes, I would like that on white bread.

The conversation over dinner was pretty non-existent. I was appreciative of the silence.

Publix was super crowded. Both Warren and I were ready to be home by the time we made it through checkout.

When I got home I finished up my to-do list, which had grown to 10 items. One was paying bills. That was mildly depressing. Money normally is. Mostly it’s the Verizon bill getting under my skin and how I’m paying $200 a month because I didn’t stick to my guns and let Zane convince me to get a new phone as a “gift” from him that I’m now paying for. It’s frustrating. It’s something I need to look further into, and I will, just not today.

And so that’s where I am so far. My to-do list is done. My blog is written. There’s still more I want to write about, but that was a lot of catching up so I’m pretty written out, and the rest of the stuff on my mind is more philosophical rambling which really is more of a musing moment than a daily post.

I’m glad about how today worked out. I’m glad I was still productive and did things and that one of the things I did was a workout.

On the subject of working out… before we got on the road I used my brother’s restroom. There was a scale, so I decided to step on it just for shiggles. I normally stay away from scales. They’re depressing. I’ve dropped pant sizes in the past so I know I’m “losing” weight, but the number on the scale stays the same, or in one case actually went up. The scale kills my feeling of motivation so I’ve learned to avoid it.

Well… I guess I’ve lost twenty pounds since the last time I weighed myself.

I’ve been feeling better about myself lately. I’ve been feeling more attractive and more confident and while I know the positive influences of Big Bad and my blacksmith are both factors to those feelings, I also know that my body is continuing to change and contributes to the feelings as well.

I haven’t needed the scale or numbers to feel good about myself and my efforts, but knowing that the changes are for real and not just made up feelings inside my head is… I don’t know… nice, I guess? Validating maybe?

I’m not working out for the numbers. I’m working out because I want to be healthier. Because I want to do a fraction of the shit my DnD characters can do. Because I want to kick ass during my race in February. Because I want to enjoy life and live it fully.

I’m not doing this to have an awesome weight loss story, or to fit in with societies standards. I’m doing this for me.

I haven’t meditated on this information, on this “loss”, so I don’t know where it goes in my mental filing system or what I really feel about it.

I know part of the feelings include vulnerability. I’m worried that it’s not enough. I’m worried people will still say hurtful comments. I’m worried that even if I was the “perfect” size that it wouldn’t matter because haters are going to hate. I’m worried that as I continue to lose weight that I’ll become fearful in my future interactions. I’m worried that I’ll wonder if the new people I meet would have befriended me if I were still fifty pounds heavier and that I’ll let that worry tarnish those friendships.

Currently, this information reminds me of the hurtful experiences in high school which caused me to become self-conscious about my weight in the first place. I’m reminded of when Warren #2 said he didn’t think I worked out as hard as I said I did at the gym because if I did I would have lost more weight.

There’s a lot of things to unpack and examine I guess. I haven’t really paid much attention to that aspect of myself, and I suppose that’s understandable. I’ve been so focused on staying afloat in the wake of mom’s death, and then finding a place to live, and then getting everything situated with that and having Warren #1 move in…

Well… I did all of that and still lost weight. Even though there are things for me to work through and even though I feel small and vulnerable admitting to this change in myself, I still want it to be my giant middle finger to Life and all of the bullshit it has thrown at me.

Me: Fuck you, Life. I can take all of that, figure shit out, and still move forward on my goals.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to a productive day where I set up a virtual machine to run Mac OS on my Windows desktop so I can finally have Omnifocus again. I’m looking forward to going through my “in” box and getting back to square one with my life. I’m looking forward to maybe picking out the models I want to rig for my new demo reel. And I’m looking forward to my first Muay Thai and Jujitsu classes.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Daily Post 139: Jujitsu

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Going on day three of posting. Woo. Go me.

I forgot about getting my car battery replaced yesterday. The car has felt weak when I start it. It started getting to the point where I felt like I was playing Russian roulette when I turned the key. Not a fun feeling to have.

I stopped by the auto store and had the battery tested, for free because they’re awesome, and the test came back bad. So crisis averted. Bought a new battery. They put it in for me. I turned the car on and everything was back to normal.

I’m not sure if this situation says anything about my growth in life. In the past, literally anything with the car would have been the main focal point of my day because car issues were always insanely stressful for me. Now, not so much. Maybe I forgot about it because the issue was so easily taken care of. Or maybe with everything else I’ve had to go through the thought of car trouble just can’t get under my skin the way it used to.

I finally finished painting my closet today. The previous tenets were weird and had the closet shelving ridiculously high. It was almost out of my reach just for hanging clothes up, much less actually using the shelf space to store anything. Since I was painting anyway I went ahead and took down all of the shelving, painted, then put the shelving back about six inches lower this time. Poof, usable space. I got my clothes hung back up so my room feels less like a disaster. Also got to use the power tools again so I’m feeling pretty savvy.

Tomorrow I’ll do the baseboards and then I’ll be able to scratch “master bedroom” off of the list. Hooray. I’ll be able to start going through my “in” box which is really the last thing I need to do in regards to my room. Then I can start working on finishing the office, which is baseboards and floor scrubbing. Then bathrooms. Then kitchen. Then I can start making plans for the patio area.

It might be taking a bit longer than I thought it would, but everything is coming along.

I didn’t workout today and I’m mildly bummed about that, but in my defense things changed last minute and they didn’t work the way I thought they would.

Since Big Bad and I wrestle so much I started thinking about looking into jujitsu classes. I found a place that seemed really interesting. They offer Muay Thia along with MMA sparring and grappling classes. They had a video showing the gym and explaining the school. Color me intrigued.

I was super nervous about going, but I wanted to see what it was like. It has a super laid back atmosphere and the instructors I spoke with were extremely nice. I think it lines up more with what I’m looking for now. The boxing place I’m going to is fun, and I’m comfortable there, but I want more interaction and sparring rather than a cardio workout with a punching bag.

Even as I type that I’m cringing because I don’t want to make it seem like my current gym is bad or lacking. It’s not. They’re great people and I enjoy going there. I feel like I’m interested in a slightly different thing now, which isn’t something they offer. This new place may be more what I’m… I don’t know… craving, I guess.

After talking with the Muay Thia instructor for a while I decided to schedule a time to try out a class. I made the appointment for Monday but realized about 30 minutes after I had left that I can’t go Monday. I have to go to South Carolina with my younger brother as his emotional support and witness for filing his divorce paperwork. Much lame…

So I guess I’m going to call the place tomorrow and see if I can switch to the Saturday classes instead. If not then I guess I’ll figure something out. I wouldn’t be able to go until Wednesday at the earliest, but since Wednesdays are SCA combat days I really wouldn’t be able to go until Thursday and I really don’t want to wait a whole week. : /

We’ll see what happens. I’m sure there won’t be an issue going on Saturday.

Tomorrow morning I get to go check out a bike I found on Craig’s List. It looks like it’s in good condition. Honestly, it looks bearly used. The reviews for the model all say it’s a “good starter bike” which is really all I want / need. It’s a hybrid so there’s suspension on the front wheel. Aluminum body, so it shouldn’t be too heavy. I’m going to go check it out and see what I think of it in person. I’m hoping I like it.

If I start going to this new gym it would only be a four-mile bike ride to get there. Not that I’ve looked into that already or anything…

I’ve played a bit of Guild Wars today as well. Got a bunch of mastery points. Saved a bunch of people. Killed a bunch of evil bad guys. Productive day.

I went through all of my tags for my blog and deleted way more than should have ever existed. I’ve been blogging for over two years, though, so I guess it’s understandable. I’ve gone through different phases of tagging posts and have never thought to go back and clean up the back end of things. I don’t think it was really affecting anything, but it made me feel good to do it.

I started feeling a bit lonely this evening. Missing mom. It’s an ache in my chest. Like a bruise. One that you can feel without having to touch it. I can’t help but wish I could see her one more time. Sit across from her one last time. I don’t know, just five minutes where I can smile and laugh with her. I wish I could tell her about the car battery or finishing painting, or any number of the silly, trivial things that go on in my life.

Today was a good day. Even on good days sometimes I still cry.

Musing Moment 084: Post Race

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I don’t have much time at the moment to post everything that I have going through my mind. But I do feel the need to let everyone know that…

 

I crushed it. Like a bawce!

 

Thank you so much to everyone who supported me and who donated to my fund. I was able to reach $350 by the time I got to the starting line. That’s $50 over what I had originally set out to do, and the magic number I needed to be able to have access to the showers after my race. : D

All of you are amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Those words will never be enough to express the gratitude and warmth I feel at the thought of your kindness.

I love you all. Thanks for believing in me.

 

race

Pre-Shower

 

food

Warrior Victory Feast

Musing Moment 0063: Figuring Out My Dash

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Day 8 – Breaking it Down

Today we’re supposed to take our uber push goal and break it down into a battle plan. What’s the next, most immediate step that needs to be accomplished? What research needs to happen? What calls need to be made? What things need to be purchased or obtained? Do other people need to be involved?

Basically you brainstorm out the whole thing so your actions become clear. The goal seems less daunting because it’s not just random ideas floating around inside our heads, it’s clear actionable tasks that can get done. You have your road map so all that needs to happen is to execute it now.

Well… with my goal of completing a Warrior Dash, there’s not really much that needs to happen as far as steps go.

Step 1: Find workout routines
Step 2: Do them
Step 3: Sign up for race
Step 4: Run race
Step 5: Feel like a badass

Seems pretty straightforward to me. The main thing with this goal is that it’s more time oriented. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s not going to be completed in the next month.

I guess I should figure out when I want to run a race, what would be a realistic time frame, and then set my sights on that date. Right now it’s just a nebulous, “I will run the race sometime,” but that doesn’t give me anything to really strive for. I don’t have a deadline to push myself against.

So finding routines to help with training, and then finding the race I want to run. Those are my next steps. Possibly finding high protein meals as well since I’m going to be doing more strength stuff than I have in a while…

Ok, ok… so there’s a lot of things that I can add to my battle plan for this goal… That’s the whole point of this, though. Thinking about what it’s actually going to take so I can set myself up for success.

Workout routines, training time frame, and meals. Off I go to consult the all mighty Google.

Daily Post 0123: The Unintended Weekly Recap

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It’s been about a week since I wrote. A lot has happened, yet at the same time it feels like I don’t have anything to talk about. It feels like nothing has changed.

I’m still broke, to the point where I might take up my mom’s offer for help. I was looking for my Bank of America credit card last night in the storage unit. But I’m pretty sure I cut it up and threw it away a while ago. So that’s no help.

I got a membership to the LA Fitness. It’s a nice gym. I’ve been there a few times, but it’s still new so I’m intimidated by it. I had a free session with a personal trainer, which was good and bad at the same time. The workout itself was amazing. Seriously… I was with this dude for nine minutes and I can’t remember a time I felt that sore. He knew what he was doing for sure, and I really am tempted to sign up for more sessions.

At the same time, once we got back to the desk after the workout he was super pushy on me signing up for training. It was a massive turn off. I even asked if I could come back in a few hours after checking my budget, just so I could be comfortable with my choice, to which the answer was no.

Well sorry then, Mr. Dude. I’m not going to blindly make choices like that anymore. He also made it seem like the four pant sizes I’ve lost on my own weren’t a big deal, and that the only way I would reach a healthy weight was if I had help from a personal trainer.

Um… it might not be a big deal to you, or the rest of the world, or to anyone who hasn’t known me and my self confidence issues or my struggle with losing weight since I was in middle school, but it’s a pretty big freaking deal to me, so don’t make me feel like my accomplishment is meaningless. And don’t make it seem like I’ll never get there on my own.

All he did was make me want to dig my heels in and not move forward with it. And if I’m honest, since this is my blank page where I get to spill all of those icky insecurities and ugly truths, it made me depressed. Actually it’s part of why I’m still depressed right now. It made me not want to go back, and so I haven’t yet.

It felt like he was saying, “Yeah, all that effort you’ve been doing isn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. Enjoy failing on your own.”

Thanks… totally motivated to come back now. I’m going to go curl up on the couch and think about what I’ve been doing with my life since February. I know that’s not how it was meant, and I know it’s most likely me overreacting and being overly sensitive. But it sucked. It made a super awesome workout feel like crap at the end. And yeah… I haven’t been back since then because I’ve been too emo and sore… mostly emo.

He didn’t walk me through any of the machines on the floor so even though I know how to use most of them, I haven’t been shown how to use ‘these’ machines. It’s a new place, a new set up. I would have liked having a walk through. It would have helped my intimidation and anxiety. One of those, “I’ve done this once before and survived, and didn’t look like a total fool. I got this,” sort of thing.

I don’t want to do free weights, and unlike the YMCA there isn’t a hidden back room where I can do my own thing without people seeing me. The only free space is in the middle of the gym, in total view of the “Do you even lift, bro?” dudes. No… I don’t lift, bro.

I haven’t gone to any of the classes even though I’ve wanted to. There’s a kickboxing class, there’s yoga, there’s even belly dancing. Haven’t done a single thing with it because feeling sorry for myself seems like a better investment of my time…

Seriously?… Gah, get over yourself and just go to the fucking gym. Who cares if you do a bunch of cardio instead of strength? You (normally) do aikido and taekwondo as well. You do a lot. And when you eat clean you do lose mass. You made huge progress on your own.

No, you may not have lost 60 lbs on your own, but you lost 40 lbs, so Mr. Personal Trainer can shove it.

Maybe we need to start out slower than what we’ve been trying to do. Just go running for a few weeks until you feel more comfortable there. Then add in one class. Not all of them. Maybe spin. You like spin classes. Then maybe yoga. Then test out the boxing stuff since that will be more intense. And eventually belly dancing. It doesn’t have to be all right now.

And it doesn’t have to be with a personal trainer. You’ve made this much progress on your own. Keep kicking ass and taking names.

Come on. Are you proud of you? Not really? That’s ok. Do what you need / want to do to fix it. No one else matters. Not a personal trainer, not Zane, not anyone else who’s on the outside of your brain. Make yourself happy and everything else will follow.

/ end motivational self talk

I think I needed that pick me up.

Things haven’t been all that awesome really. And interesting enough, it has nothing to do with the move or Zane. In fact that area of life is fine. It’s everything else, because once one area is balanced everything else has to swing into udder chaos…

I figured out what was going on with the debt collector. Apparently when I was with Verizon my contract auto renewed. When I canceled my line it was before the unsigned ‘renewed’ contract ended. So the $100 in charges are cancelation fees… From three years ago… that they never told me about or tried to contact me for…

Seriously with how obsessed I am with my finances if they had told me there was a charge or a fee I would have paid it, or I don’t know, waited the one month for the contract to be over so there wouldn’t be fees to begin with.

And why did it take three years for you guys to figure out there was a fee that I needed to pay? Why didn’t you tell me when I canceled the account instead of telling me things were fine, there were no charges? I’m so tired of corporate America.

So I have that expense to look forward to this coming Friday. Setting $100 on fire essentially. I almost would rather do that. At least then I could roast a marshmallow or something.

Work is itself. Clavan wanted all of the grading done by Wednesday 5am. So I stayed up all night grading to meet his deadline. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but we have a huge, ginormous class this month, so it took a while. And by a while I mean, I didn’t sleep to get my side of things taken care of.

When I got into work on Wednesday he said that I didn’t have to kill myself to do the grading and that as long as it was done by Friday morning it would be fine.

Thanks dude. I’m so glad you were able to get a wonderful, restful night’s sleep… I’m going to go destroy something in an exhausted, blind rage, and then grab a cup of coffee, which I didn’t have time for this morning due to grading all of my assignments like you voleen-told me to do, and enjoy watching the world burn to ashes around me. Brb.

There are so many awesome students who are genuinely interested in rigging and scripting this month, and I love the conversations I have with them. I’ve even shown them my own work. But I’m not feeling fulfilled anymore from those interactions. There are so many other things that I’m letting get in the way. So many other things weighing me down, work wise. I’m just never recharged here anymore. Not even from those interactions. I can feel myself going through the motions and not caring.

School has been alright. One of my assignments is currently late. But that’s my own doing, and I recognize that. I haven’t been emotionally processing, which sort of came to a head yesterday, which is why the assignment is late. I made the choice to not work on it. It was the exercise for the week, rather than the main project, so I’ll be alright as long as I buckle down and take care of it today.

I need to do some soul searching again. I’m back in a rut, of my own making I think.

I still haven’t seen the results of paying off the credit card, so that feels like a bad choice at the moment, since I only have $15 to my name and a week to go before payday. I’m going to need food, and gas. So that’s something that I have to figure out. I haven’t seen the savings of switching to LA Fitness.

The gym is open longer, they are in walking distance from the apartment, and they are $15 less a month than the YMCA.

None of that really helps me right now, especially as I’m struggling to feel like it’s still worth it to go to the gym. I know it is. And I know this is just emotions that I need to work through, but it’s hard to want to go right now.

I haven’t been to aikido all week because after the personal training session my arms were so sore that I literally wanted to cry when I was putting my bra on. Sad, but true. My arms had never been so sore before, and it lasted until Friday. It got better over the course of the week, but yeah, it wasn’t until Friday that I could move in a normal range of motion without cringing or whimpering.

So that was really my own doing. As much as I wanted to go, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the moves. Aikido is mostly using the arms to direct your opponent. If I can’t move my arms I can’t do much so what’s the point in showing up and feeling lame?

Zane bought one of the parts for his motorcycle the other night. We’re going to the store this afternoon to pick it up. I think the only things he will need to get now are spark plugs, but I don’t really keep up with all of that to be honest. Boys and their toys.

John, one of my new roommates, is celebrating his birthday tonight and is planning on having a bunch of people over to drink. There’s seriously no room in the fridge because there is so much soda and booze. I really don’t have it in me to be around people I don’t know. Or around loud music and conversation. Or around drunkenness. So I’ll most likely be camping out somewhere tonight. School or the hookah lounge. We’ll see how it goes.

Zane should have work, so at least he has something to keep him entertained and out of the house. I’ll most likely try to find motivation to do homework, or work on my character more. I’ve been trying to write some of her backstory out. It’s been fun learning what motivates her.

My brother John might be storing some of his stuff in my storage unit. If he does, he’ll help pay for it, which will make the cost better for me. I’m actually talking to him on Facefail right now as I write this, so we’ll figure out logistics as we go.

Scarlet is doing well at the new place. She’s super happy to be near me again, and I’m super happy to be near her.

That was the main reason I was depressed earlier in the week and last weekend. When Zane offered for her to be brought over sooner rather than later I nearly cried because I was so happy.

He was also super awesome and tried to do the laundry for me. Well… he succeeded… the only down side was he took all of the cloths that were in my gym bag, which were clean… instead of all of the cloths in the plastic bag on the floor, which were actually dirty.

He felt bad that he had messed up, but I was so happy just for the fact that he tried to do something nice for me. It really was the thought that mattered. I ended up going to the laundry mat and doing a load of cloths myself while taking to mom, so it was a good investment of time.

I don’t think anything else super major has happened.

I finished watching the most recent season of Archer, which sucks. I want to know what happens next. Zane took me out to lunch to celebrate the card payment on Thursday, and last night we went out for frozen yogurt.

I’m supposed to move my stuff into the apartment this weekend, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t have the money for a U-Haul truck, which would be about $30 dollars. $50 would most likely be a better estimate.

I need a truck for the bookcases and my desk. It would be nice to get the fridge and the coffee table in the same trip as well, though one of those can fit into my car. Not both at the same time, but one, if there isn’t enough room in the truck for both along with everything else.

I haven’t posted pictures of the futon yet. It would be nice to get some coin for that. The I’m going to try to sell the coffee table as well. My goal would be to get $150 total, which would offset the cost of the unit for this month.

If only I could get over myself and this sad feeling. Nothing is really bad. There are a lot of annoying things going on. But nothing is really holding me down. It just feels like there’s no forward progress. I’m still in transition with the move. I still haven’t saved any money technically. I’m still the same weight I was. I’m at the same spot with my job. I’m at the same spot with school. I haven’t started re-reading Warrior Princess Submissive. I haven’t finished my Pathfinder characters. I haven’t cleaned the bathroom yet.

There’s all these “haven’ts”.

I’m still where I was, and that’s frustrating. And instead of doing something about it I’m sitting here in front of my computer writing about it. Woe is me… But maybe that’s what I needed to do, because now I understand why I’m frustrated with myself and my situations. And oddly enough, knowing why makes it seem less bad. It makes the feelings sort of morph. I still have problems I need to deal with, but they don’t seem like the overwhelming, consuming issues they were. I understand them now.

Zane keeps asking me if I’m ok. He knows my energy is off, and while I don’t feel ‘ok’, nothing is really wrong, either. And none of the negativity is directed at him. Since I haven’t been writing I haven’t known how to explain it. But now I do.

I also feel like I’m back to holding my breath and waiting for next paycheck. It feels like that’s a new catch phrase for me. Next paycheck. Next week. It will be better later.

I want it to be better now. I want my choices to get me somewhere, and right now it feels like they’re not.

Logically I think I just need to give the situation time. I think once I have my computer desk and computer set up I’ll be more diligent with my work since I’ll have a workspace at home again. I’ll have a spot to write as well so I’ll get back into the swing of daily writing.

Scarlet is with me which is a huge boon to my emotional health. We’ve already talked about how to arrange the room, which gives me something to look forward to. There is a lot of good on the horizon. But when you’re in the long middle it is really easy to only see the overwhelming crush of trees towering over you. At least that’s how it feels right now.

No matter where I turn there’s a giant obstacle in the way that I can’t get around. After writing it all out though, I think a lot of it is inside my head. I think if I sat down and finished my homework and my Pathfinder characters I would feel better.

At least then I would be able to enjoy my Sunday. So I think that will be my game plan for the day.

I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I have a better understanding of where the emotions are coming from. Patience has never been something I am good at. I don’t like waiting, but for a lot of the things going on in my life that’s what I have to do.

Meditation, mindfulness, and I think talking to Zane about it I think will help me get through the next week. At least then he would have a better understanding of the craziness inside my head.