I was going to make a checklist of all the stuff I want to write about but then I thought better of it. I’m just going to write instead. And that most likely means this is going to be a long, rambling writing, but after all of the school work I’ve just got done doing, doing something free form would be great.
Not sure if I wrote about it… most likely not… I’ll just assume since so much time has past between my last actual daily post that I haven’t written about anything. Sorry if I end up repeating myself.
My Raise
Apparently my paperwork got lost after my review. Hooray… said no one ever. Give me my money…
Good news, they’ve resubmitted it so I “should” be getting that increase soon. I”ll also be back paid for everything I’m owed.
My current faith in the school is at an all time low though, so right now it’s more of an “I’ll believe it when I see it,” mentality.
Voting and All of That
Yeah. I voted. I’m still pissed about my state but there’s not much to be done about it other than actually moving forward on my plans for world domination. Funny that I have joked about that for years. I posted my blog to Facebook that day and one of my friends commented on it, asking if I had ever thought about running for office.
No… I hadn’t, but now I am. What’s stopping me? My lack of knowledge about everything political? I can fix that. It would still be 10 years before I could run anyway, but seriously… if I am so bent out of shape about my country why don’t I run and try to fix it?
Thoughts for another day…
Women’s Initiative Meeting
The same day I wrote my post about Florida being lame I had my first meeting for my leadership training.
All of the emotions. >.<;
I have a feeling this is going to be a great program. There was a lot of openness and sharing. One of the exercises we had to do was to write down what we hoped to gain from the training. Of course I wrote down a deep, dark, super personal and introspective reason, not knowing that we were going to have to stand up in front of everyone and read it out loud… shoot me now.
I think it was good though.
I don’t have my paper with me so this is going to be paraphrased but I essentially wrote:
I hope to gain a new perspective, a new understanding of myself, my values, and how to incorporate those values into my career.
I hope to find my passion, my drive, my purpose because those are things I feel I have lost.
I hope to find the actions I need to do, the steps I need to take, to achieve my goals and dreams.
Once I was done reading I quickly said, “Ok, so I’m going to sit here and let my inner introvert die a little bit.”
That got a lot of laughs which was nice. There was so much support. No one made me feel lame or bad for my writing. I was completely exhausted by the end of the meeting.
I went and took care of laundry afterwards. There was a ton of people there, with little kids who only wanted to cry. I set the laundry to wash then got back in the car to try to find something to eat and hopefully a quiet place to sit away from people.
I ended up going to Chipotle, which is a place I haven’t been in a while. I think the last time was when I was living with Clavan about two years ago now. Wow. It has been a while.
It was really nice. The guy behind the counter explained the different options to me. I got to sit outside in the sun and listen to music on my phone while I ate. I felt better afterwards. More balanced. At least less overwhelmed to the point that I could finish the things I needed to do.
By the time laundry was done I had about 30 minutes before I had to go pick up Zane. Not really a lot of time to do much of anything, so I let myself zone out until I had to leave.
We did end up going to sushi for dinner. That was nice. Quiet, low key, filling.
I don’t really recall what happened for the rest of the evening. Nothing special I guess.
Saturday’s Migraine
That should really say it all. I spent most of the day fighting off a headache and losing. Much lame. It rained the whole day, too, which is why the past few days have been significantly colder. More lame.
Because of not feeling well not much got done.
Sunday’s Not Good Feelz
Since nothing got done Saturday, Sunday was a busy day. I rented a Uhaul to clear out the storage unit, which is where things got crappy. There’s a whole bunch of events that go along with the whole story, but essentially Zane says I ruined his weekend.
I’m still in the “go fuck yourself” mindset. I don’t know what that means for us. Nothing good I’m sure. Which is sad. His priority isn’t the relationship. It’s not me. I’m kind of done putting in all of this effort and time and caring for something that doesn’t care in equal portions back.
That’s where I am right now with it I guess.
I did get two really awesome solid wooden bookcases from a chick at the storage unit though. That was pretty cool. I need to get some hardware for them so I can set up the shelving, but I love them. Almost worth having to clear out the storage unit alone.
Monday Off
I took a sick day yesterday and did absolutely nothing productive. I still have a giant list of things that should get done, things I need to do. Each bullet letting me know how much of a slacker I am and how my life is falling into chaos even though it’s really not. It just feels that way.
I guess it’s one of those moments where you have so much to do that you decide to do none of it. No regrets. I shoved life off for a day and nothing burned down. That’s reassuring.
Today Tuesday
I woke up when Zane got ready for work and have been awake since then. I worked on my homework that was late. Got that finished and submitted. I went through the routine of shower, oil, and yoga. I biked to school where I continued working on my school stuff.
I posted to the websites I needed to. I critiqued my classmates work. By then it was time for lab. I had a message from David saying he was sick and wouldn’t be in, but that’s fine. I can run my CRI1 labs blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back.
Clavan stopped by. He talked to me about the incident that was last month. The formal complaint that was submitted for the Shading and Lighting class. I knew it was a matter of time before it got to me.
Clavan said that because of the issue I’m not allowed to cross stitch in lab any longer. He said he knows it’s stupid. He said he knows that I did nothing wrong and that I’m an outstanding employee. He also said that I WAS NOT getting written up for it, and that if he was pressed to that they would have to write him up because he wasn’t going to do it.
I have the best boss ever. Seriously. I almost cried when he said that. How many people can say that they have a boss who would stand up for them like that?
I do have a lot of things to be thankful for in my life, and this is one of them. I might intensely dislike my job right now, but I work with some amazing people.
My yoga socks came in. Sadly I find them lacking. They’re alright, but I feel like they could be better. I’m going to try a different brand this coming paycheck, but this will be my last foray into the yoga sock arena. If it doesn’t work out then I’m going to say that they’re not for me and move on.
I’ve gotten through all of reading for my class this week and aced the quiz.
I also, finally, got a reply from my instructor about the plagiarism incident. I’m not sure if he’s going to give me points back, but he said he hasn’t informed anyone about the issue, and that I should continue the course work and make sure to submit original work. He said if I had redesigned all of the Publix brand it would have been fine, but since I didn’t it was plagiarism.
Ok. Noted.
If I don’t get those points back at least in some regard then I’m not going to do very well in the class. At this point I just want the month to be over so I can move on to the next class. Which sucks because I was enjoying this one so much. Even the last assignment was pretty cool. I got to make a feature article about the benefits of role-playing games.
I haven’t gotten feedback for two weeks, though… no grades, no direction… Just sort of done with it all.
That’s about it for today, though.
So What Now?
I don’t know. I have to bike home soon. I don’t want to do grocery with Zane, so I’m most likely going to be doing my own thing food-wise this week. I don’t want to do his laundry any more either. I hung a bar up on our patio so I can air dry my stuff. That’s awesome because not only will that save money, but it means that I can do all of my stuff at the apartment and not go out which eats into my time.
I’m ok with the fact that Zane and I haven’t been sleeping next to each other.
His email seriously damaged our bridge. It’s so close to the INFJ door slam, and there’s nothing I can really do to change that. All I can think about are his words, and how he said he didn’t care if they hurt me.
And then I think about all the other times he’s said things like that. How he did care if I came home.
It just seems there’s a lot of “I don’t care.” I’m left wondering why I do care. I’m left wondering what I actually get out of our dynamic other than cheaper rent.
Are the handful of good times that we have worth enduring through this horrible lows where I feel worthless?
I don’t know yet. I haven’t looked that hard at the question to find the answer because if I had to answer right now, a gun to my head sort of answer, my answer would be no. It’s not worth it, and that makes me sad, and I don’t want to feel sad right now so it’s easier to ignore it and keep plucking away at my never ending list.
Bike home, eat, shower, go to store, make tuna for lunches, cook dinner for the rest of the week, try to call mom, try to be ok because I can’t not be ok because I’m overly emotional and break down all the time…
Sigh…
I’m hoping the bike ride home helps.