Month: November 2015

Daily Post 033: Tangent Friday

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I feel sort of bad that I didn’t get all that much done work wise yesterday, and then I realized that Friday was technically my day off since I work today and the bad feelings went away. I’m still getting used to this having two days off in a week thing.

Yesterday had it’s ups and downs.

I wrote about the gym and meeting with Terri. I wrote about paying bills and meeting with Marcus. I started watching the Lynda.com training and made it through all of the first lecture material. There were more videos for the second lecture, so I figured I would save that for after I had lunch.

Bre forgot about our lunch date. I had messaged her on Facebook to let her know I was in the break room whenever she was ready. I got a message a little while later saying she had totally forgot and was already at Crispers with Sean but that I should totally come over.

So I did. It was a good meal. I got a soup with a half bread and water. Sean and to leave shortly after I got there for a doctor’s appointment, which left Bre and me alone.

We talked about her Halloween commissions, her husband and how his work is going. We talked about the changes going on at school and a development that might affect my job.

I’m not sure I’m allowed to really talk about it, so I won’t mention details, but there’s a chance that something I am supporting will have some serious repercussions, including me losing my job. If it comes to that I’m going to take it as a sign, or swift kick in the ass as it were, to go out and do something different. I’m not going to back down from supporting this topic, and I’m not going to keep my head down. My name is attached to it and I’ll stand behind what I think.

Making a living doesn’t mean you have a life. I’m not working there for the paycheck, so the thought of losing it doesn’t hold much power over me. And what’s sad is I could be making just as much by doing the call center work that Zane is doing. That’s how underpaid I am. Not saying that call center work is beneath me, or a bad occupation. But it is a fact that if I were at a game studio or an actual animation company that I would be making at least twice what I currently am, if not three times.

So no, staying at the school is not because of the paycheck, and if they want to take it away that just means I have to move on to something else, and that something else would most likely be better.

To top it off it’s not like I can have vertical movement at the school anyway since they don’t count teaching as “experience”. If I ever, ever, wanted to become a course director or even an associate course director I would have to leave to get “experience” only to come back to reduced pay. I’m not thinking those odds are all that awesome. If I leave it’s because I’m done. I don’t go back over burnt bridges.

And maybe I wouldn’t feel so justified in voicing my opinion on this topic if they had given us a full sized fridge so even when we’re working shitty hours we’re at least able to have food while we do it. But nope. That still hasn’t happened. The walls still aren’t painted. Seriously nothing has been done with my Project Break Room, and it has nothing to do with me, or Donna, or Carol.

It’s these higher-ups with power who look at our requests and think their stupid, or “not worth it”. Yeah, because making the work environment less toxic isn’t worth it… well then you really only have yourselves to blame for people wanting to leave, or being upset, hurt, angry, and betrayed feeling.

There’s no loyalty to the employees. There’s all this talk about “support the student” but there’s nothing, nothing, to support the faculty and staff, and so I honestly feel like until that changes it’s going to be a sinking ship. Which is sad because I love the school. I love what it did for me, what it provided for me.

It wasn’t just education. It was conficene in myself. In my ability to not only produce art but to get something done. To do something amazing. The school showed me that I was worthwhile and that I could achieve whatever I wanted to. The school helped me become who I am, and I like being there because I’m able to help give that, foster that, instill that in others.

I don’t want to see the school crumble. I want to change it for the better, but all of the changes that are being made aren’t for the better, and they leave the faculty in a reactionary state, jumping from fire to fire, hoping, preying that we can figure out some way to get everything to work in time.

It sucks and I’m not going to stay quiet about it. I’m not going to sit and pretend like it’s ok, because it’s not. It’s not ok to treat me like this. It’s not ok to treat my supervisior like this, and it’s not ok to treat my friends and co-workers like this. And that’s not even getting into the quality of the experience for the students. One a fundamental level these changes aren’t being implemented in a professional way, and that is what I’m standing against.

Change can be a good thing. I’m not against change. I am against negativity and the people I care about being hurt. That is what I’m standing against, and I’m not going to back down.

So that was a bit of a tangent…

That did dominate most of the conversation with Bre. We both agreed that we needed to do lunch more often so we can get all of this out of our systems and be able to talk about happier topics.

Once lunch was done I was feeling super tired. I packed up my computer rather than watching the second lecture material, changed into my biking gear, then headed home. It had rained a bit, and was high noon, so it was really humid and sticky outside, but that’s Florida for you.

The ride home wasn’t all that bad. I showered when I got into the apartment, changed, then did a whole bunch of nothing. I had wanted to create podcasts while I was alone, but I was so tired. Body tired, and mentally tired. I stayed in bed for a while napping. When I woke up I made a cup of coffee since I never had a chance to drink one in the morning.

I played Chime on the xBox until Zane came home. It’s a game similar to Tetris only as you place blocks down and make them disappear you affect the music playing in the game. I enjoyed it.

Zane and I talked about the storyline of the game he is DMing tomorrow, then we talked about meals. It’s so odd doing lunches separately. It means we really only need to plan two dinners together since there’s normally leftovers. It seems to make our shopping so much smaller.

We’re going to be doing steaks for two meals and then broccoli chedder soup bowls for the others. Zane is doing burgers for lunch and I need to get another stash of tuna lunches for work, but other than that I’m pretty set.

We went out to Burger 21 for dinner. Zane wasn’t all that hungry so he got fries and a shake. He wanted me to dress nice so I wore one of the skirts I bought a few weeks back. One of the swooshing peasant skirts. I haven’t been wearing them because of the whole biking thing so it was nice to have a reason to be a little girly.

I don’t know if I wrote anything about it yet, but I’ve lost another 10 pounds already and I could tell when I changed into the skirt / top last night. They fit differently than they did just a few weeks ago. I’m happy with the changes, but numbers really don’t mean all that much to me in this instance. Weight fluctuates all the time. And now I’m feeling all self conscious so I’m going to drop this topic for now.

Zane and I had a small spat on the way to Burger 21. I was staring off into space at a stoplight and he asked if I was angry. I said no, did I seem like it. And he said yes that I seemed frustrated and agitated.

Well… I wasn’t until you told me that you thought I was, and now I’m frustrated that you think I’m frustrated.

I had been thinking about how I hadn’t drank enough water during the day and that instead of the sweet tea that I normally get I would most likely get a cup of water instead and how that would make the bill cheaper for Zane and how I liked that, but at the same time how I didn’t like the fact that he was going to be paying because I should be paying for myself, but how it was going to be nice to be treated to dinner and how I should just enjoy it and not fret about it…. And I’m sure there were 16 other thoughts that I was thinking at the time.

The point being there was no frustration involved, but I became frustrated because no matter what I do it seems like he thinks I’m angry about something. It drives me insane, and I’ve told him that. Assuming I’m mad is one of the fastest ways to make me mad. Self fulfilling prophecy I guess.

Anyway when we parked at the restaurant we briefly touched on just going back home. Neither one of us was interested in having a bad night. I said I was worried we would go inside and have a fight and that he would feel like dinner was wasted money and he would be resentful about it, because that had happened to me in the past and it sucks.

We talked through it and ended up having a pretty amazing dinner even if they were playing crappy music.

When we got back to the apartment I had a message from Mother Earth on Facebook. I was worried about reading it.

We haven’t talked in so long. I still think about her, every day. I still miss her and Josh. I miss RB too. And Mechanic. I miss our little psudo family and our shopping trips and DnD nights. Even though I have a good living situation now, I miss that one for certain reasons. I miss the people who were in it.

I was worried the message would be an angry one. I was worried that I was going to be left feeling bad, or feeling like I had hurt her again somehow which would have left me with feelings of failure.

I did read it though, when I got inside and was alone in the room.

It was a message saying she had read about my mom and that even though we are separated she wanted to give me a virtual hug.

I almost cried when I read her message. It was short, only two lines, but it gave me a since of love and support and caring. It made me remember getting hugs from her when I came home after work, or cuddling in bed. It made me feel safe and like she was here with me.

I didn’t think she read my stuff anymore. I mean, really, I’m surprised anyone does sometimes, especially with those four months of “I’m depressed, life sucks” that I wrote through. Though I think writing helped me get through those months, I don’t think it was all that fun to read. I can imagine there were a lot of times where reaching through the computer screen to slap me around a bit and telling me to “get my act together” would have been theriputic for the reader.

It makes me wonder if RB still reads as well. I had thought not, but now I’m not sure. I still have his last message on my phone asking to meet so we could talk. I thought about messaging him when I got the news about my mom but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

How could I speak to him when I had left when he most likely needed me most. When his own mother had passed away. At least mine was still alive. How did I have a right to go to him out of fear and hurt when I left him alone? He would have every right to turn me away. There’s a sick, dark part of my brain that wonders if this is my karma for that.

I didn’t message Mother Earth back until this morning. I felt gulty for thinking her message was going to be angry. I felt small and shallow that my first thoughts were to think poorly of her. She has always been loving and caring towards me. I should have had an open mind and I didn’t.

I went back to playing Chime until around 1:30 in the morning. Mindlessly moving blocks around the screen to make music. I got to stage 7 on endless mode for the song I was playing. Not sure if that’s a lot but it felt like it by the time I was done.

Somehow I fell asleep. I was tired, but I didn’t think my brain would shut off. I guess it did though because I woke up at 6:30 when Zane used the restroom. I suppose I should mention I stayed on the couch.

Right now we’re making plans for the day. We’re going to do part of the shopping. I have to drop Zane off at the hookah lounge for his game. I’m taking the car to do my shopping after that. I’m not planning on biking today. My legs are sore. I want to give them a rest, and honestly, I want one day where I use the car that I just made a $310 payment on.

Zane said he would get gas from now on since he’s the one driving it. I’m ok with that arrangement. But it would be nice to not have to sweat to get to work one day. Just one day.

It makes the day a little broken up though. If Zane can’t get a ride from one of the people at the game then I’m going to have to pick him up at 4pm during my break and take him home. He mentioned doing the rest of the shopping after that, so dropping me off and work and taking the car to do his thing, but I really want to keep the car, even though it’s just going to be sitting in the parking lot doing nothing.

It’s something we’ll figure out later in the day as things progress. Uke, his brother, is supposed to be at the game. Zane might be able to convince him to go to the oriental market and then all of it is irrelevant because he’ll get the shopping done and have a ride home and I can stay at work instead of driving around.

Nothing ahs happened yet though, aside from having a piece of toast with some coffee. We’re going to check out a new fresh produce store that opened across the street from us then hop over to Publix for a few things. But aside from the shopping and work there’s not a lot planned for today.

Daily Post 032: Thursday and the Laundry

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Today has already been a productive day so far, but before I get into that I guess I should recap yesterday because I never got around to writing before going home.

I did go back to sleep thinking that I would wake up when Trevor’s alarm went off. But I didn’t. Instead I slept until almost 11. I had enough time to go down to the leasing office to put money on the laundry card, but not enough time to actually do the laundry. Much lame. They also still do not have parking decals… grrrrrrr.

I ate, showered, packed up, then headed to school. I messaged Terri when I got in to see about making an appointment to discuss personal training. I checked my work email. They are doing a food drive event so hopefully I can convince everyone at the apartment to get rid of all of the cans of stuff they’re not eating. That would free up so much space in the pantry.

I talked to Bre and actually made a lunch date for later this afternoon. More on that later. I talked to Zane to let him know that I hadn’t had a chance to wash the clothes. He said he would take care of it when he got home, so I was super looking forward to not having to worry about that.

I created the PDF for the Project 1 activity for the Shading and Lighting class. I had a student come in and interview me about freelance, my experiences with it, and advice I would give new artists.

I tried watching the Lynda.com tutorials Tony has associated with his class, but I kept having connection issues during the second lab, so I gave up on that, saving it for today.

Both labs went well, but it was a very socially taxing day, and by the end of it I just wanted to go home. I changed back into my biking stuff, put on music, and headed home. The ride last night wasn’t as bad. I find that going slower on the final stretch makes it less nerve wrecking. Since there aren’t as many streetlights the sidewalk can be hard to see, so going slower helps.

Oh. I did get a reply back from Terri. We ended up making an appointment for 7:30 this morning, so I had that to look forward to.

When I got home Zane wasn’t there. He had messaged me saying that he was going to stop by the hookah lounge he used to work at. He’s planning on having a Pathfinder game there Saturday, and he wanted to make sure he was still on good terms with the managers and see what changes had been made to the location.

I hadn’t had an issue with it when he had messaged me, but on the ride home I realized that because he didn’t come home the laundry wasn’t going to be done, and the cats were most likely dying because we keep our door closed during the day, which isn’t bad when someone is home around 5 or 6. But 9pm is a little long to keep them away from the litter pan.

Of course to top it off when I got inside the sink was full of dishes.

Blah…

I was frustrated. And I knew I was. I showered first before doing anything. I needed some time to cool off, literally, and to reassess my night. I didn’t know when Zane would be back. I didn’t know what was going on for dinner, but I needed to eat something now. And I didn’t want to be angry when I should have known this was going to be the result of someone not being home.

The night wasn’t ruined, but I needed time to really see that instead of going with my knee jerk reaction for something not being done when I had been hoping it would.

After showering I took the laundry down to start the wash. I came back inside, ate, then did the dishes. There was still time left on the wash so I thought to go back to the room and stitch, but I wasn’t really feeling it. I was still frustrated, more because I was tired and still having to take care of things.

Zane came home. He knew I was in a mood. He ended up helping me through it though. He switched the wash. We had dinner together because I was still hungry. The salad I had eaten wasn’t cutting it. I ended up having an egg sandwich with half a cup of coffee.

Zane wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t eaten for most of the day, and then smoking at the lounge was making him feel sick and headachey. He ended up going to sleep. I brought the wash in but left it on the kitchen table because I didn’t have it in me to put it away.

I had been resting on the couch waiting for the clothes to finish drying and would have fallen asleep if I hadn’t set an alarm to go retrieve it. I ended up going back to the couch when I came back inside and slept until 1:30 at which point I moved back to the room with Zane.

For some reason his alarm didn’t go off at 6 like it should have. We’re lucky I’m a light sleeper and that I woke up when Danielle started moving around. That was around 6:20.

We had a good morning together. Both of us heading out the door right around 7. Him for work. Me for the gym.

I met with Terri and we talked about what I want to do, what my interests are as far as physical stuff, and even went through some of the machines I’ve never been on. I got to do the pull up machine. : D

Totally don’t care if I did bad or not. I’m still going to sit here and feel like a badass for finally getting on it.

I think the meeting went extremely well. We’re going to be meeting on Monday and Wednesday at 7:30 am. That will take up my last two free wellness meetings. The others I will have to pay for. But for $25 a session I’m pretty ok with that. That’s so much cheaper than what the LA Fitness cost would have been. And I really like Terri. She’s super nice.

So that is taken care of and underway. I ran a few laps around the upstairs track while I was there, then showered and headed to work. The sun was a little annoying at 8:30. It’s at just the right angle to glare directly into my eyes. Maybe next time I’ll hang out in the sauna for a little while, then shower. You know… just so the ride is nicer. : 3

I got to see Marcus this morning, which meant we finally got to talk about the cross stitch piece he wants to commission me for. He wants it to be a Christmas gift for his girlfriend. I told him I could have a design made up hopefully next week. That would give me a better idea of how much time it would take. That would also, hopefully, allow me to finish Clavan’s piece first.

I’m pretty sure I could get it done in time though. It would be my first commissioned cross stitch. : 3

I also signed up for my Warrior Dash. Like, it’s official. I’m signed up for the race and everything. No backing out now. >.<;

It’s mildly scary. But in a good way. I’ve already linked the event to my Facebook and one of my friends has already mentioned how he’s run a few before and if I had any questions to feel free to talk to him. That’s reassuring. I’m sure I’ll think of tons of questions as I begin wondering what I’ve really gotten myself into.

I’ve also talked to Zane about the groceries. He’s going to be getting this week’s groceries since technically he was supposed to get last weeks but couldn’t because his check didn’t come in on time. He’s also going to get next week’s groceries because he gets paid that week.

Since we get paid on opposite weeks that’s how we’re going to do the shopping, too. Who ever got paid buys food. I think that will make it easy for both of us to keep it straight.

I’m also thinking about having another bit of a spending spree. I need new shoes. I’ve needed new shoes for a while know and I keep putting it off. But with how much I’m biking, soon to be running, and all of this stuff at the gym… I can’t keep putting it off. So no matter what, new shoes are happening tomorrow.

I also want new bandanas. One of my current ones has holes in it because I wear it so often. And, again, with working out it would be nice to have a few that I can cycle through.

Those things I can justify, and I’m pretty ok with them as investments.

I also want to get a new helmet, and this is where I have an issue. I have one. It’s the helmet from Frank. It’s not bad, but it’s a skater helmet, and I feel sort of weird wearing it. I want a sporty, sexy, red biking helmet that makes me look like I know what I’m doing.

It’s lame. It’s shallow. It’s vain. I still want it. And if I don’t get it eventually I know that I’m going to feel like I’m being denied something and it will become a point of stress and contention in my mind.

Why, Brain? Why do you do this to me?

So I don’t need a new helmet, but I will most likely be getting one so I can keep feeling motivated and amped about everything I’m doing.

I’ve put $300 towards the card. With not having to pay for groceries that’s roughly another $150 I could push that way. I’ve paid $60 for my race. I’m going to be paying another $140 for my certification.

That means I have roughly $300 in “play” money that really ought to go towards my debt. Or… be spent on workout stuff. Not that I would spend all of that. The shoes alone would be roughly $100 though. I’m guessing the helmet would be around $50, but I honestly don’t know. The bandanas would depend on the ones I got. I like the $15 ones and I would most likely get two of those. Maybe three since I plan to keep one of my current ones, and I would like to have an even number because odd numbers are weird.

Arg. I need to think on it more. But… most likely tomorrow will be a bit of an expensive day.

I also have my lunch with Bre today, but I’m pretty sure we’ll end up going somewhere with a lunch menu, so it shouldn’t be all that expensive.

Anywho, that’s been my day so far. After lunch I’m going to go home and make some podcasts. Zane and I are going to go over the grocery list and take care of that. Saturday I have work from 1pm until 9pm so most of the day is shot. I’m going to try to get all of my play shopping in during the morning so I can have my gear for when I go to work.

Oh man. Biking to work with a new helmet. So much win.

Musing Moment 0072: Days 21 – 23

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Day 21 – Review

Nothing super specially about today. It’s pretty much just a chance to go back and rewatch a section that you found especially helpful, or maybe confusing. You know, sort of reinforce all of the information that’s been thrown at us over the past 20 days. : )

Day 22 – Help Isn’t Bad

Chanele uses today to try to help cure us of our phobia when it comes to asking for help. I know I’m still guilty of it. I hate, absolutely loath, having to admit that I can’t do something on my own. It makes me feel weak, incompetent, inferior… the list goes on and on.

I feel like it makes me less dependable and that it reflects poorly on me.

But that’s not the case. And in a lot of instances we would be better off if we accepted the help that was freely offered to us. A lot of the time we turn help away. We don’t even have to ask for it. We just find it better to shoot ourselves in the foot then to let someone else feel useful and important.

Like I said, I know this is an area that I need to work on. Having assistance, asking for help, isn’t a bad thing. Let other people be part of the awesome things you’re working on. Let them help you reach your goals.

Day 23 – Environment is Everything

I don’t work well at home.

Actually… I take that back.

I don’t work well at home when other people are home. I just can’t do it for some reason. Knowing that there are other people out in the living room playing games, that Zane might come into the room and destroy my workflow, that Trevor and John are having a super loud conversation right outside my door… it eats away at my concentration so the work that I do get done takes longer to do, and normally isn’t up to par with what I want.

When I’m alone in the apartment working is heaven on Earth. No noise unless I’m playing music. No distractions. It’s great.

The same goes for my actually “work” space at work. If people are being annoying then I can’t get much done.

So for me, environment is a huge factor with it comes to my productivity. I need everything to be where I put it so I know where it’s at when I need it. I need to be left along unless I need information from someone, in which case I want a quick reply so I can keep moving forward with my task. But in general, once I know what I need to do I want to be left alone to do it. My own little bubble of seclusion.

I like for my environment to be on the dim side, and cool. I like having water nearby with a snack that I’ll most likely never touch, but it’s nice to know it’s there. I like having my cross stitch with me so when I get to a mile stone, or a break point, I can stitch a couple of threads while I think over the next phase of the project I’m working on, battle planning it out, or revising the game plan I already had in mind.

I’ve had a lot of experience with figuring out what makes my environment work with me rather than against me. It’s something that is constantly evolving. I’m always trying new things, different things, to see if I like something else better.

What makes your environment work for you? That’s what Chalene wants us to focus on today. Think about things in your space that you can improve that might boost your productivity, or reduce the friction you feel when you do sit down to work.

Daily Post 031: Tuesday’s End and 15 Miles of My Wednesday

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A lot happened after my last post. Good stuff, but after such a taxing morning, “more stuff” still felt like too much, even if it was good.

I talked to my mom during my break. I didn’t cry. Go me. Massive, uncountable amounts of points added to my score board.

She’s “fine”. She had an embolic stroke, which is where part of a clot breaks off and stops blood flow in the brain. She still can’t feel her pinky and ring finger on her right hand, and the rest of her hand has impaired motor function. The doctors think with physical therapy she can get full feeling and functionality back.

When looking at the bigger picture the situation isn’t all that bad. They are going to do tests to see if they can find out where the clot is at. Removing it might take surgery. They’re also going to do tests to see if it is something hereditary since my grandmother also had strokes towards the end of her life. She wasn’t as cooperative with doctors though, so there’s actually not a lot of information to go on other than that.

One of the things my mom said was she knew that I wanted to be told that everything was ok, and that it would never happen again, and she said she couldn’t give me that.

I knew she couldn’t. That doesn’t stop it from being the only thing I want. Literally, the only thing I can think of that would make any of this ok is to be promised that she will be ok, and no one can give me that without it being a lie. I knew my mom was mortal. I knew in the darkest, furthest reaches in my brain that one day something scary would happen, and even further back, further down, I know one day she won’t be here anymore.

But in the forefront of my brain I still see my mom as Super Mom. She’s my hero who will always get back up, who will always be there, no matter what. It sucks. All of this sucks, and even though I made it through yesterday without incident, I’m still angry, hurt, and scared. There’s still this sense of unfairness in my chest when I think about the situation. And how there’s no person, no thing, to take that anger out on.

I can’t yell at someone. I can’t flex my awesome kickboxing moves and beat the crap out of this person who keeps picking on the people in my life. It’s life being itself. They’re just facts and pieces of irrefutable information. It sucks. I don’t want to handle it gracefully. I don’t want to be strong and stoic. I want to be angry and irrational and rage at something. But there’s nothing. Nothing but air, and so I would be yelling at myself essentially. Raging at emptiness.

I told her that Clavan already gave me the green light to go be with her if she needed. We’re going to wait to see what the doctors come back with and then go from there. She was supposed to leave to go to Vegas in December, so really it’s just figuring out what to do for the month of November. Maybe this will give me a reason to do something for Thanksgiving. I had planned to stay in Florida doing a bunch of nothing.

The second lab ended up being canceled. Clavan came in and said that the Props ceremony was later that night, and if the students were ok with working at home, we would mark them for attendance and let them go early.

I kept getting the emails about Props, and how it was coming up and I should RSVP and blah blah blah… but with how disenchanted I have been with work I haven’t cared. I haven’t tried to get the award again this year. And after everything else that happened Tuesday spontaneous combustion had a higher chance of happening when compared to the chances of getting me to stay for a work focused social event.

I gave the students the choice, letting them know that I would be online for most of the evening, so if they ran into issues they could message me and we would figure out the problem. Everyone was ok with leaving. One of the girls asked me what I wanted, so I explained that I would really appreciate going home because I had some rough news earlier in the day.

When she politely inquired about it I said that it wasn’t that big of a deal to be honest, but that my mom’s healthy was really important to me, so I was having a hard time with the information.

She was super apologetic, but said she completely understood.

I didn’t have any messages that night after I biked home, so I guess they either didn’t work on their homework, or didn’t have issues. I’ll find out later today.

Because I was able to leave early it was still light outside when I biked home. A fairly enjoyable ride.

When I got home I showered. I cried in the dark for a little bit, sitting alone in the living room. It was the first time all day that I had been alone, and I didn’t care any more. I cried. I let go of all of those emotions that I had been trying to control. I thought all of those dark, depressing thoughts, acknowledging them, accepting them. Hating them, but at the same time understanding them.

When I was cried out I was exhausted. Zane came home. We talked about it since I never messaged him back. He told me about his day. He was able to get a bank account. Woohoo.

We stayed home the rest of the night. Nothing much happened. I think we watched a few episodes of The Flash. We ended up going to sleep, and that was the end of Tuesday.

Wednesday started super early. I woke up and had breakfast before heading straight to the gym. I had a meeting with Terri to get set up on the machines. My range of motion was off for almost half of them. It felt so much better once the settings were changed. I didn’t do a full workout. I wanted to shower and get to work instead, but I’m looking forward to when I actually start doing reps again.

I got information about personal training as well. It’s only $25 per session at the YMCA, with no initial $200 fee. So that will most likely happen. Terri is awesome, and I think she’ll be able to not only point me down the road I want to go, but help keep me on it.

I have four free wellness meetings with my membership. Fixing the machine settings counted as one of them. I want to use another to sit with Terri and talk about my goals and figure out what the best plan of action would be, and then go from there.

So I need to message her today to figure that out.

I’m officially signed up for my certification test on the 13th. That’s a little scary. It’s not just a nebulous thing anymore. It’s for real.

I created a template for my Weekly Sage posts. I still want to play around with it a bit, but overall I think I like it. I changed up the location of a few things. Still working on some of the fonts. It’s moving in a forward direction.

I also had to get screen shots of my Lynda.com training. I forgot that those tutorials count towards my Continuing Education for work. I only need 16 hours total. With my classes I’m already at 47ish. With the additional training I’m looking at another 8ish hours. I think I’m doing pretty good and that I deserve my raise… Especially since my department chair sent out an email saying that as a whole our department was super low in this area with most people having zero hours of training.

I’m apparently one of three people who has completed all of my hours. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who’s over tripled their quota.

I stitched a little bit, but by then it was time to head home. I packed up, changed back into my biking gear then actually headed to the bank. I needed to get money for the laundry card since it’s empty.

That meant I biked roughly 15 miles yesterday. By the time I got home I was pretty done with moving around. I didn’t even have it in me to walk down to the office to do anything with the money I had just gotten. That involved stairs, and people, and things, and stuff, and none of that was going to happen.

Instead I camped out in the living room and began working on the Assignment 2 activity for Shading and Lighting. It’s a complete disaster. I’m surprised the students are able to get anything done. I would be going on a murderous rampage if this was all I had been given and then released on my own and told to figure it out.

I have a block out for the podcasts I want to make to support the activity. And then the two workflow podcasts showing how to go about working with the files provided. There’s also some Lynda training that is being referenced in the activity that I might sit and watch. I think it’s only about 16 minutes or so.

The reading would be good to do as well.

That’s all stuff for tomorrow though. Tomorrow is my day off since I work Saturday. But it’s also a day that no one will be home. Perfect time to podcast. If I can at least get everything captured then I can edit when / where ever.

I need to make a template for the pdfs I plan to create for the assignments and projects, but that’s just taking the file I have for the first assignment and cleaning it out a bit. I think the over all structure is solid enough to work for everything. We’ll see.

I laid down for a little bit after that. I didn’t have it in me to start actually working after completing the brainstorming. Zane came home. We ordered new shisha flavors online. He’s going to look at the bike parts either tonight or tomorrow. Some point in the near future.

We watched Corpse Bride last night. Not really sure why. We’ve both seen it, and it’s actually not my favorite stop animation movie. But it was nice. I went to sleep after that, waking up at 2am wide awake. I went out to the living room to keep my tossing and turning to myself. I fell back asleep eventually, but it was a light sleep.

I shaved Zane’s head when he got up this morning. We had a bit of time together before he left for work, but that’s been about it for today. Nothing has happened other than having coffee, taking some DayQuil, and writing my blog.

I did check most of my personal email. I got a message saying my second cross stitch gift made it to its destination. That made me smile and has helped the morning. Not that it was bad, but it has started off in a positive direction, which I’m grateful for.

When the office opens I plan to go down and add the $20 to the laundry card and to do laundry while I’m here. I don’t think I’m going to the gym. Yesterday I was already over 40 miles for the week which is what I did in total for each of the past two weeks. I’m feeling pretty good about taking today “off” since I’m still going to get six miles in by biking to work.

I’m most likely going to stitch. Or go back to sleep. I don’t need to cook anything. I don’t need to go anywhere. And while I do have work I can work on, I’m going to be physically at work for 8 hours. I don’t feel like doing more or over achieving at the moment.

Nope. I’m going to enjoy being a slacker. So I’m going to go do slacker things.

Daily Post 030: News About My Mom

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It’s only 1 in the afternoon. Lab is about to start, which will keep me busy for the next eight hours, and then there’s the bike ride home at 9ish, shower, dinner, then sleep.

That’s the rest of my day.

So since today has already been rough, and I don’t have much else to add to it since it’s essentially over I figured I would write now, while I have time, energy, and the space to work through the thoughts in my head.

I had an email this morning from my mom. I read it as I was eating my breakfast.

My mom has had a stroke.

My brain shut off after reading that.

The email continued on saying that she had an MRI yesterday and that she was talking with doctors to get more information. Basically that things were fine, she was being taken care of, and not to worry.

I finished my breakfast. I even tried swtitching the bike rack from Frank’s bike to Zane’s so I could attach the crate to it and not have to carry my packback. No luck with that though. Two of the four screws wouldn’t come loose. So I’m going to have Trevor or Zane take a look at them later. I’m worried that the screws will strip if I keep messing with them. Maybe they have some manly voodoo that will make the screws obey their will or something.

Anyway. I tried to hold it together.

There was yoga at 9:30 so I left around 9 for that. I had my backpack ready to go, put some music on and headed out. I stopped at school to drop off my main bag. The door to the break room is still messed up, but security was there and unlocked the door for me and left it unlocked so other people could get in. I also put a stapler down as a door stop as an extra safety measure.

I biked from school to the gym, but was a little late as far as getting there before the start of the class. I peeked inside to see if there was room, but the fitness studio was packed, and in all honesty I didn’t want to be around people anymore. I was having a hard time holding it together.

I sat at one of the tables outside the locker room, my back to the pool. I texted Zane to let him know. Since my mom is a really big part of my life I felt like he had a right to know. I figured at some point I would have to tell Clavan as well.

I got a reply from Zane saying he was sorry. I haven’t responded to him. I don’t know what to say. I sat and stared at my phone for a while, silent tears mixing with the sweat from my bike ride.

I tried to call my mom since I had a lot of time on my hands. I mean, yeah I want to make sure she’s ok, but it was more that I tried calling her yesterday to chat and she was busy, so I was trying to see if we could chat today.

She didn’t answer so I sent a text saying that it wasn’t anything important or me trying to check up on her. Just some free time on my part and I thought I would try to call.

I tried going upstairs and rowing for a bit. Originally I wanted to run, but I wasn’t wearing the right type of top for that. Not enough strap down power… The woes of being a chick…

Since I have the meeting with Terry tomorrow I didn’t really want to mess with the machines yet, so really I was left trying to figure out what to do, if anything. I remembered about the row machine and figured that would get me a little bit of upper body. It was also something I could do alone and away from people.

I didn’t last very long. More because it was hard not to cry. I was moving on to the angry phase. Angry at life. Angry that things can’t just go right. There has to be something to mess up the peace and tranquility. The pond surface can never be still and calm.

Why? Why my mom? Why my life? Why? Just give me an answer to that one question that I can understand and that can make it justifiable and I might be ok. But the row machine didn’t have any answers for me and that just made me angrier.

I ended up getting back on my bike and going the little bit of distance to a Walgreens to get a lock for my locker, something that was on my to-do list. Productivity. I got something accomplished. Everything else could go burn in a fire.

Came back to the gym, tested the lock out, then showered. I headed back to school after that.

I sent Clavan a message asking if I could meet with him before the start of lab, but after 20 minutes I didn’t have a reply from him. I tried calling, but again, no answer. So I walked over to where I knew lecture was held. I figured a few students had stayed behind to talk with him and that’s why he wasn’t replying to me.

Which was case. Go me.

After the students left I told Clavan what had happened, mildly breaking down as I said the words out loud for the first time. I don’t know. There’s something about physically speaking words that gives them power. That makes the information real. Typing out a text or saying it in your head isn’t the same.

Admitting to another person this dark, horrible thing makes it not a nightmare you can wake up from. Saying it out loud makes you realize it’s not a bad dream. It’s real. It’s already happened. It’s a fact. Undeniable, unbending, uncaring.

My name is Jennifer. I have blue eyes. I have brown hair. My mom had a stroke.

That escalated quickly…

And now I’m left to figure out how this fact, this information, fits into my world even though all of my being, every fiber of my existence, wants to reject it.

It’s not fair. This isn’t right. This happens to other people, other moms. My mom has to be ok. My mom has to be here. She can’t be sick, or hurt. She’s my mom. I love her so she has to be ok.

When I read her email earlier this morning I had replied with “I love you. I’m here if you need me. <3”

But what I was really thinking, what I really wanted to write, was a plea.

“I love you. Please don’t leave me. I need you in my life still. I don’t know how I can function without you. You’re my rock. You’re my best friend. You’re the one who was there when dad left. You’re the one who taught me to drive. You’re the one who took me to band competitions and was there for my graduations, both high school and college. I need you still. You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”

Clavan was super understanding. He gave me a hug. He offered to let me go home, but really, what would I do there? Sit. Stew. Waste time. At least if I stayed at work I wouldn’t be screwing David over in the process. I would be in a place that would, hopefully, help me keep it together.

Clavan offered to take me to a café for a tea, which ended up turning into getting lunch instead as we were walking out to his car. He even paid, which he knew I would have an issue with. I not so jokingly joked about getting him back, and how Christmas was just around the corner.

My boss is amazing.

He said if I needed to go home to be with my mom or miss work for any reason that he was ok with that. He would make the time work out. He said to let him know if there was anything he could do to help make this situation easier for me. I really don’t think there is. I think a lot of it is fear on my part. Logically I really don’t think it’s as bad as it seems.

It’s scary though. It makes me realize how frail some things are.

Right now I’m talking off and on with my younger bother while I’m in lab. I asked how he was doing and his reply was, “As good as can be expected.” We’re both already scheming behind mom’s back. Because that’s what kids do. We both would literally do anything for our mom.

I had a second email from mom not long ago saying she knew I had questions and wanted to know a good time to try to call. I have break at 4pm, so we’re going to try to catch each other then.

But that’s it. That’s my day so far. It hasn’t even been 12 hours yet and it already feels like eternity.

Daily Post 029: Dates and Checks

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Yesterday was a busy day that ended with a deep, restful sleep.

I packed Zane’s lunch and made breakfast. I spent a bit of time on the computer catching up on some of the blogs I follow, replying to emails, and in general procrastinating on my day.

Eventually I showered and hopped on the bike. I planned to go to the gym, but I stopped by school first. I wanted to pick up a protein bar and some water bottles from the break room where I stash my stuff. No dice though.

The lock was still acting up from over the weekend, so no one could get into the room. Awesome… I got back on the bike and continued to the gym sans aqua.

When I got to the gym I talked to the receptionist about purchasing a locker. The small ones are $5 a month. So I did that. The reserved lockers are in a different area than what I’m used to, so I couldn’t use “my” locker. But I like the one I picked out, so hopefully it will grow on me.

I had packed my toiletry bag before I had left the apartment, so I was able to leave it at the gym when I left. Before I headed out though I had my account for the machines reactivated. If you don’t log into it after so many weeks it becomes inactive and it won’t register your number when you try to log in. I also set up an appointment with Terry to adjust my range of motion on the machines since a lot of them felt uncomfortable the last time I used them.

That’s actually been something that I’ve needed to do for so long I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed being on the machines. But I need to start focusing on strength, and this is a good step in that direction. So that’s going to happen tomorrow morning at 7:30, after a nice 5-ish mile bike ride so I’ll already be warmed up and ready to go.

I’ve been thinking about my running, which I haven’t been doing lately. With so much cardio from biking I’m not sure how smart it would be to try to work running into my week. I think I should wait and see how I do with adding the strength in.

Currently my plans have changed to try to include the gym in the morning. Since I’m trying to leave home around 7ish in the morning that gives me plenty of time to get to the gym, do some stuff, shower, and get to work all without being rushed. Today is going to be a test run of it since I don’t have to be in until 1pm. That gives me plenty of time incase I misjudge something.

Anywho, the gym was successful, even though it took way longer than what I wanted it to. I biked home and was pretty done for the rest of the day. I kept at a 4:30 mile, though. So that was awesome.

Once I got home I ate and drank. I tried calling mom but she was at the doctor’s office and said she would call me back. She didn’t, but that’s ok. I”ll try pestering her again later today. She can’t escape me. >:3

I wrote for my challenge assignment. That was sort of uncomfortable on the emotional scale. After I posted it to my blog I wrote for Zane, explaining how I felt and why. More uncomfortable-ness but I felt better after sending him the email. Look at me communicating and shit. Like a bawce.

Since I was still in front of the computer I went ahead and made my weekly saga post. It’s crazy to go all the way back to Monday and reread what happened. I totally forgot all of that happened this past week and not eons ago, which is what it feels like.

I think last week went pretty well. I think I got a lot of stuff taken care of, and a lot of projects moved forward or were finished completely. It’s a good feeling to realize that. It’s also a good feeling to see how much better Zane and I are doing. Yeah we’re still having spats every now and again, but we’re recovering from them much faster, at least I am. And they don’t seem to be lingering in my memory as much. I’m able to see and remember the pleasant times more.

I have been using an online template for the infographic, but I plan to make my own in Illustrator. Maybe InDesign, though I don’t prefer that program. There are some changes I want to make and I would be able to use a full sized image rather than being restricted to what the website will let me use on the free account. I’m totally not paying for one when I can easily make my own if it weren’t for the laziness factor, which is what I’m trying to correct. I ought to be making these myself. That’s what this whole Digital Arts and Design degree is for after all…

After posting my weekly saga I curled up in bed until Zane came home, which was only about 10 minutes. We had plans for a double date with Dan and Rachel. They used to be players in Zane’s Pathfinder game when I first started dating him, but things got crazy on their end and they had to back out of the game. We haven’t seen them since.

I know Rachel has been talking to Zane since they are fairly close friends. She’s been seeking advice for how to handle a situation between her and Dan, and I respect that. The topic ended up coming up during dinner and it was a very open conversation. I enjoyed it and I think I helped give Rachel some “girl perspective”.

We ended up going to Sushi Café. I was so hungry, which brings me to something else I’ve had on my mind. I’ve noticed changes in the contours of my form again. I read somewhere that it takes around four weeks for you to notice changes in yourself, 8 weeks for people close to you to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to see those changes.

So I do feel that I’m actually losing weight again and building muscle. I can see different lines in my legs, in my waist. It’s nice. It’s motivating. I’m doing good. I feel good. Lots of good.

I get super hungry super often. And I eat. Normally my meals are on the small side, especially when compared to how I ate while I lived at home, or even in my beginning years of college. My egg sandwiches consist of one slice of bread, some cheese, two slices of bacon and one egg. It fills me up without being too heavy, too much, but in two to three hours I have to eat again, and if I don’t I get headaches.

Last night as I was ordering my sushi I noticed that it was actually a pretty big meal for me. And there was a moment where I wondered if I should feel guilty. Should I not eat any more? Is any of this counter productive to the whole weight loss thing?

I know that I most likely should have only had one glass of tea. The second one would have been better off as a water. But as far as the food side of it, I decided that I wasn’t going to feel guilty. Whatever I’m doing, I seem to be doing it right. I eat when I’m hungry, and I make sure I’m eating fairly healthy things.

I don’t think I’m going to waste energy on feeing guilty when I don’t think there’s something to feel guilty for. I had a lot of protein last night, which is good, because I need that. I didn’t over eat. I didn’t feel sick afterwards.

I did feel insanely tired though. Satisfied and ready to be done with the day even though I didn’t do a whole lot work wise. Like… I did nothing work related. Looking back on it though, I spent most of my Saturday grading, so in reality yesterday was my day off. And it was a good day.

I haven’t done much this morning yet other than catch up on the tasks that I didn’t finish off before passing out last night. As soon as I finish this post and my water I’ll be making my to-do list and figuring out what needs to happen.

One piece of amazing news, Zane’s check was in the mail last night. Huzzah! He’s going to try to go to the bank after work and open an account so his checks can be directly deposited from this point forward. Fingers crossed he’s able to make it there before they close.

And with that I’m off and away. That whole needing food thing…

Weekly Saga 001: 10/26 – 11/01

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Continuing with the whole infographic experiment… Here is another edition of the weekly saga. And wouldn’t you know, it’s mostly on time, too.

I still plan to play around with the layout. But I have a solid idea of the changes I plan to make. Hopefully I’ll get around to it at some point during this week.

10-16 - 11-01

Musing Moment 0071: Being Brave

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Day 20 – The Uncomfortable Assignment

Today can suck. As can most of the days in this challenge that require brutal honesty with ourselves.

Be honest about the things you say to yourself. Be honest about the relationships in your life. Be honest about how you spend your time.

The truth can be pretty shitty sometimes, but that doesn’t stop it from being true. From being our actual reality. Turning a blind eye to it, ignoring it, doesn’t change anything.

Today is another one of those days.

Today we have to admit to the one thing we’ve been avoiding. That one conversation we’ve been putting off. That one task that keeps getting transferred to tomorrow’s to-do list.

What is that task? Why do we keep avoiding it? What would happen if we just confronted it and got it out of the way?

That’s today. Uncomfortable ickiness, like ripping off a Band-Aid that’s been left on for too long. We know that once it’s off we will be able to clean the wound, get rid of any infection that’s there, and heal properly. But that initial pain sucks. We don’t want to do it.

That’s understandable. Everyone can related to that, empathize with that. But things won’t get better, things won’t change, unless we go through the pain.

So, here we are, at day 20. Only 10 more days to go. And we have to own up to the major thing we were hoping to skate by on. So much lame, right?

I know what mine is. I feel shallow and small for it. I feel like it’s not fair of me because it has to do with the relationship I have with Zane. It’s part of the conversation we had last night, and part of what I’m supposed to be reflecting on.

He has been talking to someone, another girl, and I keep feeling insecure about it. We’re in an open relationship. I’ve been ok with this in the past, so I’m not sure why I’m not ok with it now.

He was texting with her on his phone last night during the game, which bothered me. He mentioned before if I ever started dating someone that he would be upset if the new person started intruding on Zane’s time with me. I felt like that’s what was happening last night.

Zane gets upset with other people play on their phones during the game, checking Facebook, chatting with other people. Why is it ok for him to do it?

In my head it’s not, especially since I’m part of the game as a way to spend time with him. I don’t think it’s fair to be chatting up another prospect when I’m taking time out of my Sunday to do something geared towards us. That’s her intruding on my time with him, and that’s not ok according to the rules we have in place for our dynamic.

I’m worried that the sexual side of our relationship will suffer. It has already been established that I want sexual interaction more than he does, which is a common theme through most of my relationships and something I have learned to accept. I’m worried that if he does pursue other people that we will interact even less because what little intimate interaction I do receive will be split with someone else now.

I’m worried about being alone. I’m worried that he will want to start bringing people home even though we agreed that home was a safe spot.

Basically there’s a bunch of worry and that’s an infection within myself that I need to address. With Zane. We need to talk and make sure that certain boundaries are still in place and discuss how things will change. We need to talk about how the boundaries we do have need to be respected and not crossed.

The girl he is talking to now has already stated she only wants to be friends. Possibly flirting, but nothing sexual at the moment. That should alleviate the worry I feel, but it doesn’t because that doesn’t solidify any of the safety measures that Zane and I have in place for our dynamic. Because he and I haven’t talked and reaffirmed things between us I still feel insecure about my place in his world.

I don’t want to have this conversation. I don’t want to admit to him that ever since the beginning of our relationship, while it has been “open” has also been monogamous. Neither of us has actively entertained other relationships while we have been together, and it’s been sort of nice. I’ve gotten comfortable with what we have, and now things might change and I’m worried about that change.

I don’t want to get hurt, and this conversation is going to bring up a lot of emotions, a lot of memories. It’s going to put the spotlight on things that I don’t want to own up to or admit to feeling. I don’t want to accidentally hurt or upset Zane. But if I leave my feelings in the dark they are just going to fester and undermine the awesomeness that I do have with him.

We’re not perfect, but we’re pretty damn good. And it’s not fair, to either of us, for my lack of communication to potentially destroy what we have. After everything we have been through in the past four months we deserve better than that.

So… there it is. My uncomfortable task. Talking. Communicating. Admitting.

I know that by doing this I will be being strong. Courageous even. But thinking about doing it makes me feel weak and scared. I don’t want to mess things up. It sucks and I don’t want to do it. But I know I’m going to because I want us to be ok. We deserve to be ok.

Daily Post 028: Busy Sunday

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The only thing I didn’t get to on my to-do list today was my weekly recap, which I’m totally ok with.

I slept well last night. I woke up fairly early this morning but lazed around in bed, sleeping off and on, cuddling with Zane because it was warm under the covers. Eventually I did get out of bed to clean up the kitchen from the makeshift party the night before.

I cooked the Cajun pasta so we could have meals later. I messaged my younger brother to let him know that I got his check and deposited it. I poked around at my external drive and found the old SAL podcasts that I had downloaded while I was a student. I want to watch them at some point since I plan to create new ones for the class and I want to make sure I’m not forgetting little gems of information.

Eventually Zane got up and we mapped out the day.

I took his bike to get looked at and to replace the tire that I overfilled the first time I tried to use his bike. It wasn’t the gears causing the chain to skip. It was the hanger that was messed up, which is a fancy bike term for a certain part of the bike that does a special thing…

In all seriousness the guy I ended up spending the most time talking to was super friendly and helpful. He explained that the hanger was bent and that was causing a tension issue with the chain. When I asked how it got bent, like, if it was something improper I had done verses normal wear and tear he explained some of the most likely causes.

When I asked how to tell if it was a gear issue causing the chain to skip he actually took out some tools and showed me how they check it and the process they would go through to fix it. Super awesome information. He didn’t talk down to me and he didn’t act like I was wasting his time.

They said it would be about 30 minutes to fix the bike. When I asked if it was cool if I ran to Wal-Mart to do a bit of shopping they said that would be fine, and they would email me to let me know when the bike was ready.

So with that set up to be taken care of I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a new water filter, coffee creamer since there’s a different selection at Wal-Mart than at Publix, and a candy bar for Zane since I wanted to do something special for him.

Before I was done shopping, roughly 15 minutes after I left the shop, I had an email saying the bike was done. Sweeeeet.

I paid for everything then headed back. It was about $50 for both the hanger and the tire, including the labor, but after riding the bike around the street for a little bit I totally felt it was money amazingly well spent. The bike rides so much smoother now. Seriously. It’s like I’m biking on air. Riding a cloud… that hates my quads… but a cloud none the less. Completely 100% satisfied with the service and work. I’ll be going back there for sure.

I think it would be good to get the bike serviced in January. A full tune up, which would be about $100. But if it’s going to be my main transportation now, which I’m really loving it so far, then I think that would be a good investment. I would rather pay to maintain the bike properly then have to pay medical bills for getting a concussion from the bike falling apart while I’m on it. Sort of like the car. I take it in every so often so I don’t get blindsided by issues later.

That’s for a later time, though. Right now I’m super happy with the bike and how it’s preforming.

I ended up biking to the bank to withdrawal $20 and biking back home. I wanted to test out the bike and I needed to do something. After just a day of sitting around, recovering, I was about to go insane from not working out. It was a fast ride. Only 25 minutes, but I averaged a 5 minute mile pace which is the fastest I’ve been able to do so far. Or maybe a more accurate way of saying it is that was the longest I’ve been able to hold that pace consistently. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I didn’t have to wait to cross a major street with the route I took to go to the bank.

It was such a pleasant ride with a nice burn. Not too hard, but not too easy either.

I showered when I got back to the apartment. Zane had gone through his box in the living room, picking out what he wanted to keep at the apartment, what he wanted to go into storage, and what he wanted to toss. I started a load of laundry.

Zane ended up switching the wash and I folded it before bringing it back into the apartment. We decided to do salads for lunches this week. Breakfast is already taken care of, and dinners are good for at least a few days.

Since Zane is hoping to figure out what’s going on with his paycheck tomorrow while he’s at work we’re trying to hold off on a full blown grocery trip. He really wants to be able to pay for the groceries this week. He also wants to start putting gas in the car since he’s really the only one driving it. I’m pretty ok with that.

I had a list of errands I wanted to run before the game. The first stop was to the storage unit to drop off the stuff. Then I headed to Publix to get the things needed for the salads and a case of water to drop off at work. From there I went to the Arby’s in the same plaza because I needed to break the $20 that I had. At least that’s the excuse I’m using for justifying why I bought cookies for Zane and myself.

I ran to school, stopping at Taco Bell to get tacos for later that night. Since it’s game night I wanted to make sure there was food for everyone. I ended up having to call security when I got to school. For some reason my badge wouldn’t let me into the break room. It was giving me issues last night, too, though. I thought it had to do with it being a holiday, but the security guy said it most likely has something to do with daylight savings.

Either way, what should have only taken me three minutes took me closer to 15. Much lame, but at least it got done.

I stopped by the gas station to fill up the car, that way Zane doesn’t have to worry about it for the week. I had messaged Frank earlier asking if it would be ok to swing by to pick up the crate he had for the bike, which was why I needed to break the $20.

I gave him $12 for it and we chatted for a bit about work and school, and high school, marching band and sports. It was a good conversation. I enjoy the times we’ve been able to hang out outside of work.

I was already hardcore late for the start of the game though, and I had the groceries in the car so I didn’t stay all that terribly long. Just long enough for it to not seem rude when I left. Go go social ninja skills.

When I got home it was just Uke and Zane. Bobby wasn’t going to be able to show up until after 7:30 and John was MIA. Since we really couldn’t start the game until at least one other person showed up I decided to get to work on prepping the food.

I boiled eggs for the salad, cut up the lettuce, and shredded the rotisserie chicken. There was enough to make six containers so Zane and I each get three. I cooked more bacon for my egg sandwiches. We shouldn’t go through the bacon as fast this week since Zane I think will be eating oatmeal for the most part, and he’s not doing BLTs for lunch. I cleaned up the kitchen and prepped a batch of egg mix for the morning.

Eventually Bobby showed up and the game started. It was pretty disjointed again. Zane was playing on his phone, which is a story in itself. Overall it was a fun game. John ended up showing up around 10ish and played for the last hour and a half.

Everyone is still out in the living playing Guitar Hero. I’m tired and will be going to sleep shortly.

There’s no SAL lab tomorrow, which totally changes my game plan for the day. I already wrote out my to-do list.

I plan to bike to the gym in the morning for a yoga class then come home. That’s a 12ish mile bike ride, plus an hour for the class. I think that will be a good day as far as working out goes.

I want to start work on the second assignment for SAL and work a little on my certification testing. I have four more chapters to get through. Depending on how long the first one takes I might try to work through two of them.

I want to call my mom as well just to touch base with her. I would like for our conversations to go back to being a weekly occurrence.

My to-do list seems really full, but honestly, the first half of it I’ll blow through before 10am. The yoga class is at 8. So with me leaving the apartment around 7ish, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I think I’m going to ask about getting a locker at the gym so I can keep my shower stuff there rather than having to worry about carting it back and forth all the time. No real reason to keep a bunch of shower stuff in my backpack where it’s taking up space and adding more weight to my commute.

A small locker will be $5 I think. Maybe it was $10. I honestly don’t remember. I think in either case it would be worth it.

Oh. At some point I also added the gas mileage information to the Evernote that I have for it. And I did put the cloths away when we took a break from the game.

I’m ready for tomorrow. There may be a nap involved with how active my morning is sketched out to be.

Zane and I had a conversation before I came back to the room. Not a bad conversation, but one that requires some contemplation and reflection on my part. As I need to I’ll write it out, but for now I’m tired and the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed with Scarlet and pass out until 6am. So that’s what I’m going to go do.

Musing Moment 0070: Days 18 and 19

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Day 18 – Confidence

This day always reminds me of a quote, supposedly from Aristotle.

quote

Chalene talks about how sometimes you have to walk the walk before you actually feel comfortable with it. It struck me as sort of humorous that I was actually given the same advice years before doing this challenge by a therapist I was seeing.

She said that doing something new, something different, something outside my comfort zone was going to feel awkward. I was going to be self conscious about it. I was going to worry and think that I was going to mess up and that other people were thinking that I was going to mess up.

She said, point blank, that I wasn’t going to feel confident the first time I did something new. Or maybe even the second, or third.

She also said that I should do it anyway. She said that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me, only what I thought of myself. She said that the more I did whatever action it was, the more sure of myself I would feel, the more confidence in my own ability I would have, the more natural and comfortable I would become.

At the age of 20 it was sort of like hearing the words, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

I could understand them. Yep, those are English words. They make a sentence. But I didn’t really have an appreciation for the phrase until much later in life. Just like I didn’t have an appreciation for the wisdom of my therapist until much later.

Looking back at it, I don’t think I was ready to fully comprehend that wisdom. I hadn’t found myself yet. I didn’t really have a grasp on who I was, and what I wanted to be as far as a person goes, but then who does at 20?

I try to keep Aristotle’s quote in mind whenever I start something new and the shaky feeling of insecurity starts to creep into my thoughts.

Ok. So this is new. It’s scary. And that’s ok. The only way to get better is to do it. The only way to prove to myself that it’s really not that bad is to walk the walk.

There actually doesn’t need to be any talking involved. For me, a lot of my projects and goals are taken on for an internal reason. I feel they are worth it. They do something to fulfill me. I don’t have to talk about that. All I have to do is take a deep breath and start walking from point A to point B.

That being said, success isn’t normally a straight line. And that’s something else I normally have to remind myself about when I realize the leisurely walk I had envisioned has turned into a mud obstacle course. : )

sucess

Day 19 – Skills vs. Goals

Day 19 is where we take a look at some definitions. It’s pretty common to list a skill as a goal, which can make understanding when you have reached a goal sort of confusing.

Goals have clear, usually measurable, outcomes, while skills don’t. How do you know when you’ve become “more organized”? How do you know when you’re “more fit”?

Being more organized is a skill that can be learned and applied to something, but it in itself isn’t actually a goal. It’s a nebulous idea with no solid lines to let you know when you have conquered your Mt. Everest.

So today, Chalene wants us to take a look at our goal list and to see if what we have written down are really goals, or skills we want to achieve. It’s cool if they’re skills. Our list doesn’t have to be perfect, especially when most of the time this is the first time where we’ve really sat down and thought of things we want to achieve. We’re not goal list masters yet. It’s a skill we’re working on. : )

One way to get better is to start consciously thinking about goals verses skills and to only write down goals on a goal list. Goals with clear, definitive markers to let us know when we’ve achieved them.

It’s almost time to rewrite our list, so the question, “Is this a goal?” should be at the front of our brain when next we sit down to figure out where we’re going and what we want.