Free Hotdog Saturday

Saturday was the 4^th. I didn’t really do much. In the past my family would grill or BBQ. It would be a social event that I would be made to suffer through. Now that I live on my own I can pretty much do what I want. Which is nothing. No social obligations or requirements on how to celebrate ‘properly’.

Zane and I started watching No Game No Life. It’s a pretty interesting concept for a story and I’m enjoying the art style and story line so far. We got through three episodes out of 13 I believe.

We ended up going to the lounge a little early. They were doing a promotional event to get more customers in by giving out free hotdogs for the holiday. There was a special on beer too, but neither of us were interested in that. I have to admit that there was a nostalgic feeling of eating a hotdog on the 4th.

I had planned to stay at the lounge to work on my tattoo designs, but I forgot my tablet. So instead I went back home. It was nice being in the room alone. I ended up playing Witcher 3 until around midnight, then started blocking out the gauntlets. I will most likely be creating a sketched out design for them rather than sticking with digital. I feel like I would be able to get the shading detail better through a traditional median. We’ll see.

I went to pick up Zane early because he wanted me to smoke with him at the lounge. We’re able to get flavors there that we don’t have at home. One of the customers was still there, sitting with Zane and Pat when I arrived.

He. Would. NOT. Stop. Talking.

At 2:30 I had reached my limit. It was almost painful to listen to him. Every other work was ‘fuck’. Nothing he said had any real value or meaning. It wasn’t deep conversation. Just mindless rambling.

And we didn’t leave until 3am. Another thirty minutes of non-stop sound. Trivial noise that had no reason to be said. Complaining about other establishments, other workers. Explaining how he is good a this, knows how to do that. Never a moment of reprieve. Never a moment to actually become part of the conversation. Never a change to make it an exchange. Just this constant, one-sided bombardment of sound with no end in sight.

By the time we got to the car I couldn’t listen to anything. No music. No sound. Not even from Zane, who tried to talk to me. I told him that if there was another night where that customer was around that I would prefer to not smoke with them. Yeah, it was so bad that I actually spoke up and said, “I’m not going to do that again.”

I was completely drained. Literally, I had nothing left to give towards anything and all I had done was sit for two hours.

I ended up coming home and escaping back into Witcher 3 until roughly 6am, which is when I finally felt like I could handle curling up in bed next to someone.

Overall the day was fine, just really rough at the end, and all because of one person. Arg. Remembering it is like sand paper on my skin. I don’t understand how someone can love the sound of their own voice so much. >.<

I literally said one thing, one sentence, during those entire two hours. The rest of it I spent imaging bashing my head against a brick wall because it would have hurt less than listening to the meaningless nonsense this guy kept spilling out.

Next time I’ll throw a dictionary at his face so at least his sentences will sound intelligent.

</end rage>

I suppose I should add a start tag to the rage, but I’m not really sure where it started so I’ll just end it and move on to yesterday.

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Undetermined Sunday

I’m not really sure how I feel about yesterday. My initial feeling is not good. Not that it was bad, but it didn’t go how I thought it would.

I spent most of the day feeling detached and disconnected. Not a fun feeling. And nothing really fixed it.

I woke up early, fed the cats, had coffee and breakfast, lazed around for a while…

Zane woke up and I thought we would start our day together. It was Sunday. Quality time day. We had been talking about going to Avalon since we didn’t do that last weekend, and / or going to see Jurassic World since I wanted to see that and I have the bit of extra coin to waste spend.

Instead he went back to sleep. He had been fighting a pretty nasty headache when we got home the night before and I guess it kept him up most of the night. He said he got up a few times, which I totally don’t remember. With how light I normally sleep it was surprising to me that I had no memory of it.

He didn’t end up getting out of bed until 3pm yesterday. With the Pathfinder game starting at 6 that didn’t really leave us time to do anything.

I spent the game in the room since I don’t have a character for Trevor’s game, and I didn’t want to make one. I also didn’t feel like being around a group of people.

Sit around doing nothing… or sit in the room alone….

As an introvert there is a very clear winner.

I fell asleep for a little while, I don’t remember how long, but when I woke up I felt a little better. I went back to Witcher for a while. My last true binge before going back to being responsible.

I’ve spent a solid 24 hours in the game so far and I’m only 17% done. the sad reality is that I may never finish it. I’ll feel guilty from this point forward if I play. ;-;

Such a good game though. I’m glad I’ve been able to get as far as I have.

I finished off my night by making it to level 8, crafting some armor of badassery, and finishing off a few side quests, before going back to sleep.

Zane came in after the game was over and woke me up. He wanted to hang out. He was up and awake and wanted to spend time together watching something or smoking together.

I said that I wanted to stay asleep and made no move to get out of bed. When he countered with we had been sleeping all day I just looked at him.

After a few seconds of the, “Are you for serious?” look he changed the statement to say that HE had been sleeping all day. Which was true. I had been up since 9am. Aside from the 30 minute, maybe an hour, nap during the game I had been awake. My alarm was set for 7:20am. I wasn’t interested in staying up crazy late since my day was starting early. Tomorrow was ‘back to life’ day. That meant I had to actually get sleep because being constantly tired sucks.

Yesterday felt like frustration and disappointment. I had spent all day hoping that we would go out and do things. And we hadn’t. At 5:30 when I had gotten the notion to shower and at least go out to go grocery shopping it started raining “Florida torrential down pour” rain, so it felt like I was trapped inside. Seriously, I stepped out of the shower and it started pouring outside. So much lame. And it stayed raining for most of the night.

I had been hoping that getting out of the apartment, getting fresh air, would help me reconnect with here and now. It would help ease over the feeling of discord. But I hadn’t been able to do that. Instead I escaped back into the game, and that’s exactly what is was, and so part of me is sort of agitated that I played last night. It wasn’t for fun, it was because I wasn’t happy with the here and now. That’s not healthy, and I know that.

I don’t know why, but it was a pretty crappy feeling yesterday. I had hoped things would go a certain way, and they hadn’t. And when they could have turned around, when Zane woke me up, I didn’t want to hang out because it wouldn’t have lined up with my priorities.

It’s made me frustrated. I don’t know where that really leaves me. Those feelings are still sort of lingering and I don’t want them to.

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Squeaky Clean Monday

Today isn’t doing the way I had foreseen it either. I was supposed to start today with a spin class at the gym. I had thought it was a 9:45 because of my calendar. The class started at 9:15 though, so I missed it. At least I checked the times before leaving the apartment, so I didn’t look like a fool showing up at the gym for nothing.

Still lame though…

So now I’m left trying to figure out what to really do with my day. Zane already woke up and has gone back to sleep, saying that he wants one more hour. He’s already asked three different times if I’m mad at him, to which my last reply was no, but if he kept asking me the same question it would quickly turn to yes.

I’m frustrated, and he’s picking up on that. I want to be left alone, so being constantly poked at isn’t going to end well for either of us.

I have scribbled out a to-do list already. Today is admin hours so I don’t have a lab to worry about. I have a lunch meeting with Sabrina at 1pm. We’re going to be getting sushi together.

I NEED to get out of the apartment. I think that is part of the frustration that Zane is picking up on. I need to DO something. I’ve spent a week inside, not going to the gym, not doing school work (because there wasn’t any), not having to go to work because I was on vacation. If I don’t get something done I’m going to go insane.

My current plan is to check out my new online class and battle plan that out. Then shower. I’m hoping that will take me up to around noon, time frame wise.

I need to go to the bank to get a money order for Zane’s rent. Good news in that department. He was only short $60. Way less than what either of us was expecting. So I’m depositing the money he made at the lounge, and getting a money order so it’s easier to track. He ‘should’ be able to pay me back with what he makes this week.

Today feels fresh and clean, as if the rain washed everything away. It’s a Monday, the start of a new week, and new month as far as work goes. I started a new notebook this morning. All of these things make today ‘new’.

Yet I feel heavy and dirty from yesterday still. I feel weighed down and out of place in all of this newness.

Hopefully a shower will help set me right. Getting things taken care of and off my list might help also. I don’t want the broken pieces of yesterday to affect today. I really want to let go of all of it and just enjoy the moment.

Nothing is bad, or wrong, or broken. Today can still be a good day even though I didn’t make it to the gym first thing this morning. I can go to a class tonight. Today can still be awesome, and on the logic level I know that. It’s my choice to see today as good or bad. It’s my perspective that will set today. So it can still be good. It’s in my power to make it good.

I just wish it felt like a truth right now and not like I’m trying to convince myself. I wish it didn’t feel like the calm before a storm.