I wrote this last night, but am just now getting around to posting.

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Saturday’s End

Saturday I went running, and actually had a pretty good go at it. I stretched really well afterwards so I wasn’t super sore even though I had one of my better times. I upped my run intervals so I’m doing 1:30s at a 10 minute mile pace. Sometimes faster. So I feel like I’m doing well.

After working out I came home to find people already showing up for John’s party. I hung out for a little bit, but the music was already so loud that you couldn’t really hear the conversation going on. After having a handful of chips I showered and ninjaed my way out of the apartment with my backpack and headed to school.

I worked on homework and my Pathfinder character before having to pick Zane up from work. The party was over when we got home, which was cool. There were tons of bottles left around, chip dip on the coffee table, cake and wrappers on the kitchen table… not cool…

Zane and I actually stayed up pretty late / early, him finishing off the dungeon for the game, and me trying to finish off my character. We didn’t get to sleep until around 7am.

During that time I cleaned up a little bit, but I finished most of the cleaning Sunday after I woke up.

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Sunday’s Game

Sunday was a nice relaxing day for the most part. I didn’t do the gym, school, or work. I had my coffee and after finishing up cleaning the living room and kitchen I sat at my computer and polished off my character notes so I could be ready for the game.

At 5:30 Zane and I went to the hookah lounge where we were going to meet up with Dan and Rachel. Trevor met us at the lounge later, and after we all devoured tacos from Toxic Hell it was time for some awesome DnD action.

My character got introduced into the party, and for right now we have a tentative truce. I’ll help them assassinate the guy they’re after (essentially getting paid double since I was already contracted to kill this guy) for ¼ of the loot they get from the dungeon.

So far they have two items I want, but Rachel’s character is being lame and not dividing it up yet. My character wants those boots damnit. And she’s not above killing random people for them… Just sayin’… It would be beneficial for everyone for my character to get her boots… and that Sheath of Bladestealth to go with the other two that she already has…

Anyway, my character didn’t do that awesome combat wise because she’s a stygian slayer, which is basically a rogue that can use a little bit of magic. I can move from shadow to shadow killing people with crazy sneak attack surprise damage and then fade back into the darkness. I’m half-fiend so I have pretty awesome stats at the moment and dark vision which means I can see in the dark.

Essentially, I am your worst nightmare wielding crazy daggers that I can throw at your face and magically have return to my hands. Muahahaha.

The only thing about sneak attack surprise damage… you can’t really be sneaky when you have a giant tree thing stomping around in your party, or a living suit of armor with a singing sword that doesn’t stop singing…

My party members are so anti-stealth. /sad face

So I’m not really getting any of the bonuses that I’ve built my character around. At least not yet. So that was mildly frustrating. The encounters that we had I held my own in, but Rachel’s character was hitting things for like… 15 damage, while I was stabbing stuff with my daggers for roughly 8 at most. Sad day.

There was one point where I got a natural 20 roll on one of my attacks. That was epic. My character threw her dagger, nailing one of the blighted plant-zombie gnomes we were fighting in the eye, instantly killing my corrupt foe in a gory spray of greenish-redish ichor. That was pretty awesome. Insta-kill like a bad-ass. /flex

At the end of the game I ended up getting a critical miss though… That sucked hard core. I rolled a natural 1. When I had to roll to confirm my failure I got a 2…

Zane does something special with his games were if you confirm a critical miss you have to roll another dice. The number you get corresponds with a number on a chart. This chart is used to figure out what bad stuff happens to your character for the critical miss…

So my character ended up getting hit by celestial lighting… while we’re in the middle of a giant tree dungeon… underground… Yeah… Don’t question magic. It will just make your brain hurt.

And if getting hit with lightening wasn’t bad enough, the lighting burnt everything that I had on me that wasn’t magical…

I lost my backpack, my journal, my scrivener’s kit.., really those were the only things I had aside from a poncho and some trail rations. Most of my money went into my weapons and the few magical items I was wearing. But I bought the journal specifically because writing is important to me, and because I made my character, it’s important to my character.

And on the first game it is burnt to ashes. I was totally going to go out and get a sketch book in real life to use to represent the journal of my character. I had planned to draw out the dungeon as we explored and sketch the monsters we ran into, or the look. I was going to scribble notes in it and stuff…

But my character doesn’t have a journal anymore because fuck the gods. That’s actually what is written as the deity she follows, so in the scheme of things getting hit with the lightening fits her story really well, but still…. So not fair.

It was frustrating too because I spent a lot of time figuring out what items would be important to my character and what she would want to spend her money on. All of that time was basically thrown out the door because of a crap roll.

Frustrating >.< Arg, but still fun and worth it.

I’m looking forward to seeing how the game progresses. I’m still getting a feel for her, but I like the play style, and I like being part of the party rather than just sitting and watching the game be played.

Zane ended up staying at the lounge for a bit after the game with Trevor, which let me drive home to try to sleep. I had work at 5am, so at most I was looking at 4ish hours of sleep. Which I didn’t even get that much. No regrets.

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Monday Madness

I say there were no regrets, but this morning was rough. Like, I pretty much broke down because I was so tired and angry.

I woke up thinking about the homework I still had to do, and how Zane and I had to go pick up the sprocket for his bike, and how dinner needed to get cooked, and then there was trying to figure out a time I wouldn’t be exhausted so I could go to the gym, and the dojo, and, and, and, and…

And it felt like I was a failure and my day was going to suck, and I would have to give up the gym and dojo. And I wouldn’t be able to have breakfast because I didn’t have time to cook it.

I know all of it had to do with being insanely exhausted. Not just tired. Like, even I knew I was pushing myself past acceptable limits, it was that bad.

I honestly don’t know how I made it to school, how I was able to function as if nothing were wrong, and how I was able to make it back home without falling asleep at any point in-between, all without coffee. Seriously, my mind is blown I was able to do anything at all.

Zane tried talking with me this morning, which was a bad move on his part. I ended up getting angry because he said he wanted me to come home and go back sleep after work. So I had to add that to the overwhelming list of things I already had to figure out how to make happen in the finite hours of my day.

That was the main reason I didn’t get to have my coffee. I was holding it in my hands about to drink it when he suggested I come home to sleep. I asked what about the gym, and he said to not worry about it. To skip the gym for today. And I just sort of snapped.

I was angry because I wanted to do the gym. More than anything I wanted the gym.

I want to keep losing weight and getting healthier. Everyone wants that for me. I want to make the new gym feel like mine, and the only way to do that is to go.

Everyone wants me to get enough sleep. Everyone wants me to do my homework. They want me to put myself first and take care of me because I always take care of others. But then they suggest all these other things to do, or want me to do, or other obligations I end up getting or giving myself, so I have less time for the things I consider important and have to dash around working miracles with space and time to get everything in my day done.

So to be in the middle of trying to figure out my miracle working for the coming day, in the middle of trying to eek out my five minutes of coffee time to brace for the onslaught I had given myself, basically hearing, “Oh, by the way, give up the gym,” made me crack.

Fuck life. Fuck everything and the horse it rode in on, and the one that sired it. And anything else I can curse at 5am that is curse worthy.

My all consuming thought was I was tired. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was tired of giving things up. I was furious. I was crying silent tears of rage I was so mad and tired.

How could he ask me to give up the one thing I wanted out of my whole day of total BS?

I knew it wasn’t specifically him I was mad at. It was the thought of giving up the gym. And I knew all of it was me overreacting because I was tired. I was just angry and the only way I could keep from flipping out was for the anger to turn into tears as I got dressed leaving the coffee untouched on the counter. I needed to get to my car. I needed to be alone.

I don’t think this really counts as our first argument because we really didn’t argue, and because I told him all of it was stemming from being so tired, and that I wasn’t sorry for staying up so late. I wasn’t sorry for the game or the time we spent together afterwards. Sunday night was amazing.

I made my choices, and Monday morning was my consequence. I knew what I was getting myself into, but I wasn’t prepared for it, and starting it with “Don’t go to the gym” was not ok in my sleep-deprived brain.

We still said our goodbyes before I left for work, which made me feel better, but that didn’t keep me from crying in frustration on my drive to work. Crying let me be able to handle work. I made it through lab, and actually did come home and go straight to sleep next to Zane.

I woke up next to him. He was getting out of bed because he was ready to start his day, but he told me to sleep more. That I had to sleep for at least another hour before he would let me get out of bed.

I was totally ok with that. And I actually did sleep for another hour and fifteen minutes.

When I came out of the room he walked up to me and gave me a hug asking if I had been timing the hour. I was puzzled at first and said no, why? When he told me how much time had passed I smiled and admitted that I hadn’t set an alarm or anything, though that did sound like something I would do.

I ended up reheating my coffee, and basically restarted my morning.

I had messages on Facebook that needed replies. I had amazing comments on my previous post. I had blogs to catch up on. Zane and I planned out picking up his bike part and getting groceries. We figured out dinner for the night and the next night.

Zane wanted to do laundry so he went and put money on the laundry card. I ended up going to the gym and ran / stretched again. When I got home I did some push-ups and a plank.

I am going to slowly add core work into my run days.

After I showered we went out and did our chores. When we got back I prepped a side dish of broccoli and carrots to go with the chicken and rice. Zane cooked while I folded cloths. We ate dinner and watched Game of Thrones.

And now I’m finishing off my night by writing before going to sleep.

I wake up at 7am tomorrow.

I didn’t do my homework. And once again I’m ok with that. I’m not even going to put time into really writing about it. I made my choice. Today is Monday. The start of a new week. I’m going to get enough sleep tonight. I’m going to start my Tuesday off right.

I’m going to get enough sleep on all my nights so I can function the way I need to, and not have repeats of this morning. It wasn’t fair to me, it wasn’t at all fair to Zane.

So I’m getting back on track with the gym, meal planning, and weekly chores. It feels good to have gone running every other day again. Tomorrow is aikido fundamentals, which I will go to, but I’ll only stay for one class instead of two.

I think I had unrealistic expectations when this month began.

Having been sick so frequently for three months left me unprepared to jump straight into the routine I was doing in February. I have to build my endurance back up, and I need to clean up my diet again so I’m getting the proper nutrition for all of the activity I do.

Right now I’m going aim for one hour a day, with Saturday being my off day. My main focus is going to be running consistently, with adding in minor strength training with things like push ups and stuff. Wall sits of doom… Oh, and stretching. I hate skimping out on stretching because I always pay for it later. So, yeah. That’s my game plan with that.

If I can do an hour every day for the rest of the month I’ll be happy with myself.

This week is still a little messed up as far as meal planning, but it’s better than what it has been, so that’s on the road to recovery. Same with chores.

Even though today started out super, incredibly, un-godly rough, it actually turned into a pretty awesome and restorative day. All of the dishes are clean, my writing is done, and that’s a wrap.