I feel like I have a lot to write about. And I feel like a lot of it is going to be complaining. And I feel like a lot of that has to do with I haven’t had a day off since Tuesday, and I won’t get a day off until Saturday. So I’m going 11 days straight of no down time, at all. Constantly around people and fixing problems and saving the world and I really just want it to burn to ashes and leave me alone right now which is really extreme and this is a run on sentence to end all run on sentences and right now I really don’t care because I’m tired and frustrated and commas, periods and other punctuation and proper grammar BS take too much effort to care about.

*deep breath*…

Ok…

Now that that is out of my system, I guess I can start letting my brain wander over the billions of things I have going on in my head right now.

I’m frustrated mostly because I’m tired.

Yesterday was DMs birthday, so we were up super late talking about the back story to my character, which has totally changed and I might get to talking about that later. It was a really good day actually and I don’t regret any of it, just crazy tired right now which doesn’t help with the overwhelmed / overloaded feeling at the moment.

Today has been non-stop questions, so I haven’t gotten anything done that I wanted to. At least not the important stuff, which even as I type that I really can’t agree with that statement because I got a fair amount of important things done.

Blarg…

I don’t even know where to start with my writing because it’s been so long since I’ve written. And part of that is my own fault. I haven’t really been making anything a priority. So while things are getting done, and I am taking care of business I really don’t have a record of anything.

I worked out three days in a row last week which is better than I’ve done in a while due to my totally awesome (read shit-tastic) schedule. I found out today that next month is going to be worse…. Hooray…

So I guess lets start with Scarlet. I have been fighting with fleas for what seems like forever now. Actually lets take a step back.

I got paid for my freelance! Huzzah! Words cannot describe how happy I am about that. I even got the money from my brother finally for the laptop I sold him. So I’m caught up on what I’m owed. I paid for my taxes, which is great. So that’s taken care of.

Back to Scarlet. Now that I have money I scheduled an appointment to get her checkout and to talk to a vet about the flea issue. I had to call to confirm my appointment and while I was talking to the chick on the phone we discussed my concerns.

She said all I really needed was flea medication, not the stuff I was buying from the grocery store, and medication for the worms Scarlet has due to the fleas. I guess the stuff from stores only works for about a week, then wears off, and you can’t reapply it for another two weeks after that. Which is the trend I’m seeing.

I give Scarlet a bath, then put flea stuff on her, and she’s fine for about a week and then she’s infested again. We never had a flea issue when I lived at home with five cats, while part of me sort of thinks the vet is trying to push their product, another part of me thinks there is a difference between the flea products.

So yeah… I didn’t actually have to bring Scarlet to the vet since she had so recently been seen due to the trip to Vegas during Christmas. All I had to do was pick up the medication this afternoon while I was on my break. $35 bucks for both medications. I thought it was going to be a lot more expensive so that was a nice surprise.

Once I get home tonight I’ll be able to treat Scarlet and hopefully that will be the end of the fleas. *fingers crossed*

I cross stitched DM the gemstone dragon of May. It’s an emerald green dragon and was a lot of fun to work on. I loved the colors on the antique colored fabric. It made a special part of my brain happy to see the contrast in the colors. I don’t have a picture of it, but I’ll get one to post to my Dragon’s Horde.

I liked working on it, but since I had such sort notice it felt sort of rushed. It was hard to find time among all my other obligations to work on it, so it wasn’t as relaxing of a project as I would have liked, but it was still nice to do, and he seemed to like it. I know it’s not the PS4 he was hoping his friends would chip in to get, but he said he really enjoyed getting dinner with me and going to the hookah lounge, and like I said, we spent over four hours talking about my characters. Yeah… I’m going to be playing two of them now. Again, more on that later.

I’ve send out emails requesting appointments at my dentist office and with a primary care doctor since I don’t currently have one. Since it’s so late I doubt I will hear back from them until tomorrow, but since I have the freelance money I want to get most of that taken care of and done while I can. I’ll be making an eye appointment before too long. I need to buy new running shoes and Mac Stitch so I can create my own cross stitch patterns. I also need to book the flight and hotel room for Mother Earth’s wedding. Anything left over I was going to put into savings for the time being.

I also need to schedule to have my yearly check up. Blarg. Do not want to adult…

Finding a primary care place has been on my list since I’ve gotten hired at the school. I never really had a reason for one, and it’s new, and scary, and in my head it’s sort of like asking the dog to drive itself to the vet clinic, while smiling and enjoying the experience… so I’ve conveniently never gotten around to it.

No longer I suppose. Time to get this over with. So that’s two huge things that I started today. I would say ‘did’, but since the appointments aren’t confirmed I would rather not list them as ‘done’ yet.

I got sushi for lunch today since I was out and about getting the flea medication. That was nice. I got my Bolthouse mocha cappuccino drink to go with it since I didn’t get to have coffee this morning.

I got to talk to mom for a little bit today while I was driving to the vet. I feel bad because it wasn’t a very long phone call. It was basically me bitching about work for twenty minutes, and then I had to go. I feel like the conversation was very one sided, and that she didn’t really get to tell me how she was doing. I feel bad about it, but I didn’t have time to stay on the phone. And by the time I’m off work it will be too late to talk to her.

The longer this month drags on the more frustrated and caged I feel. I don’t have the gym as an outlet. I don’t have aikido as an outlet. I don’t have my mom or younger bother to talk to because our schedules don’t line up. I feel like I have nothing right now because of my job and the more I dwell on that feeling the more I keep thinking about finding something else, somewhere else… Like doing nothing under a dark rock in the middle of nowhere.

School has been going alright. I have to tweak one of the assignments from last week at my teacher’s request and resubmit it. I will most likely save that for tomorrow along with blocking out my new Illustrator Friday Challenge image.

This week’s word is Pet and I already have a sketch for it done.

I feel sort of written out which is lame because I know there was way more that I wanted to complain about, but I can’t remember what it was. I guess it’s not that important really.

And I know most of the issue right now is that I’m so tired. If I were able to get some sleep I would be fine. I would be able to keep a level head and a realistic perspective but right now I don’t have it in me. Everything sucks and has sucked, and will forever suck. Rawr.

I know that’s not true. My inner scientist is rubbing her temples as my inner child throws a fit because she didn’t get her nap.

I have three more hours to get through, and then I’ll have to cook dinner, and clean the kitchen, and take care of Scarlet, and throw out the trash, and and and and and and and. The list never seems to end.

The second lab is normally pretty chill. Maybe I’ll be able to get a bit of a recharge before having to go to the store to grocery shop. I’m planning on having shrimp scampi with garlic toast while watching Game of Thrones tonight.

I’ve been finding a bunch of new bands on Spotify so that’s been cool. Loving the new music. It’s one of the things that’s keeping me sane at the moment.

Over Atlantic City – Port Blue

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my four days off. DM is having a friend come in from out of town so I’ll pretty much be on my own. He said she wants to meet me, so I’m terrified over that.

We’ve been spending so much time together that It will be odd the first day being alone. But I think it will be good for me. As long as I’m able to sleep…

Ashely is done with school for the summer so I have no idea what it will be like at the house. I’ve been there so little that it hasn’t bother me that she’s been brining guys home or that she stays up crazy late being loud and playing movies and games.

I really wish I could find a place and be happy with it. I wish Joshua wasn’t moving away and that I could have kept my room at his apartment. The only thing I disliked about it was when he had Susan move in without really asking me. And even that I eventually got over.

It would be great if I could live alone again. And here I go reminiscing on the past rather than accepting where I’m at in the present. I really need to go back to reading my buddhist book. I think that’s another thing that I’ve been slacking on.

I think I’m letting work eat away at me again. I think I’m letting it mess up my here and now. I need to take time to meditate on it. Maybe it really is time for a change. Maybe three years is long enough and it’s time to move on. Maybe I could teach high school, or get a job at a studio making three times what I’m making now.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and not have to worry about feeling drained. I wish it were February still because February was awesome. I was going to the gym in the morning and aikido at night. I was totally charged, I wasn’t sick. I had enough time for me and the things I wanted in addition to meeting all of my work and school obligations.

But I was insanely lonely and I would cry when I came home because I felt so alineanted. So was February really all that awesome? Has these past two months really been that bad? Is the house really such a terrible place to be? Am I blowing things out of proportion and focusing on the negative?

Should I wait until the weekend when I’ve had a few days of RnR to really look at things clearly?

I feel like that would be the smartest choice. I feel like I need a breather and until I get it I’m just going to feel overwhelmed and any conclusions I come to are going to be based on my need to get away from everything.

It feels like I’ve been complaining about that for a while now. I wonder if I sound like a broken record. I feel like one inside my head. I feel like I’m stuck in the same spot, looping the same events over and over again. I feel like Groundhog Day. Waking up, doing the same things over and over. Trying to change events but to no avail. Doomed forever to repeat the same boring routine until I can no longer bare it.

I feel like I need a really good cry to be perfectly honest. I feel like I’ve kept on trucking and I just need to have a really good break down to get everything out of my system.

Let me pencil that into my overbooked schedule…

• Clock out
• Have emotional break down in car
• Go to grocery store
• Cook dinner
• Pass out without eating due to exhaustion

I feel like that’s how my night is going to go.

Is it bad that I’m looking forward to a crazy intense break down in my car where it will be dark and quiet and not have any questions that need to be answered, or demands, or expectations?

There’ll just be the darkness that accepts me and simply is.