I don’t know what to write.

It’s one of those nights where I’m frustrated and angry, yet at the same time apathetic and uncaring. And I know all of it has to do with being tired.

I know if I just went to sleep I would wake up and at least be mildly ok.

But I can’t ‘just go to sleep’. I have all of this angst inside, and it’s so stupid, too.

I feel like an option. And it sucks. It makes me lash out and crash against the confines of my being.

“I’m more than that,” I scream on the inside. “I deserve to feel like more that than.”

But do I really?

I feel the way I allow myself to feel. I’m doing this to myself. If I could just breathe and let it go things would be fine. I would be fine.

If I just went to sleep and let tomorrow reset everything it would be ok.

But today feels like a waste and I can’t get over that.

And it wasn’t, so I don’t know why I feel that way.

I woke up, had breakfast, read over half of my reading for the week. I had lunch with Sam. We even went and got teas together afterwards. It was nice.

I came back home and started a new cross stitch while I listened to more about copyrights and copyright infringement. I went running and had my third best time ever, which is why my left shin feels like it’s about to shatter into pieces.

I showered and went to work where I finished the puzzle I’ve been playing with on Frank’s iPad. I stitched more. I got to help one guy with a personal project because he had a rig he was messing with.

I showed another guy the Node Editor in Maya and blew his mind with switching connections on materials, saving him at least 30 minutes worth of work in roughly 10 seconds.

It feels like I did nothing though. It feels like I got nothing done. Right now it feels like I’m setting my life on fire. Overly dramatic, but at 1:20am after being awake since 7am I don’t care.

I’m angry. There is heat and anger and hurt. There is disappointment in myself.

My podcast is still undone. I haven’t done anything with 3D Blitz. I have to be awake pretty early tomorrow. I have lab for four hours and then critiques. I have my case study I still need to do which I’m actually looking forward to. My car is a mess and I’ve been wanting to vacuum it for weeks, and just haven’t made it a priority. I have 20 emails in my inbox. Next month I’m still going to have labs at 5pm so I won’t be able to do the dojo, maybe. I’ll have to talk to David and Frank. It also depends on if the later labs need two instructors or just one. And what days SAL is compared to CRI1.

I’m tired of working six days a week.

I didn’t return the extension cord like I wanted to. I didn’t go to Dollar General like I had thought about. And I was ok with all of that earlier, so I don’t know why I’m not now. But I’m not.

Tomorrow I’m not going to be able to do much of anything. I won’t even be able to make it to open mat at the dojo.

I’m able to focus on all of this negative stuff. All the things I didn’t do. Can’t do.

Why can’t I be happy that I went running in the rain and that it wasn’t super hot outside and that I did amazing?

Why can’t I focus on the fact that I did well on the quiz I took even though I didn’t finish the last chapter of reading because I couldn’t bring myself to care about copyright anymore?

Why? Why must it be so hard to keep things in perspective when I’m this tired? Why is it when I have no energy the only thing I can be is a raging ball of pissed off and disappointment?

Why is Buddhism so easy yet the hardest, most frustrating thing in the world?

If I just accepted the moment, as it is, I would have peace and be fine. But I want it to be different, and it’s not, and by wanting I’m tormenting myself. Essentially.

There’s no one to blame but myself and that makes it all the worse.

I’m sulking and I know I am. Brooding inside of my own head. I know that is what I’m doing, but I can’t seem to make myself stop. I realize my issue, I even see where it is stemming from and yet I can do nothing to change it.

You win Universe. Today, you win.