Graduation is in an hour.

Currently I am sitting in my sports bar. I have written the graduation cards, 8 of them, with personal messages. Three people who are graduating are Character Setup Artists, which is the area I focused in as a student. It’s the area the PCC Critiques focus on, so I view these students as ‘my students’ even though they technically are not in my class.

I interact with them on a weekly basis due to the critiques, and I have a strong role in the projects and giving feedback. They become my friends and it always hurts to see them go.

Tre, Rhonda, and Aaron.

Since I am closer to the setup students I normally give them graduation gifts along with cards.

I give them a rubber duck.

It’s a concept taken from programming; rubber duck debugging. The basic idea is that when you run into a problem you turn to your rubber duck and you explain the issue to the duck as if it is another person. Through explaining the issue you normally find where the disconnect is and are able to fix the problem.

Since I can’t be with my students once they graduate, I get them a rubber duck as a way to take part of me with them as they continue on their adventure.

Cheesy, maybe. But it means a lot to them and to me. Graduating is scary. The first job is terrifying. Having a reminder that there are people who care and believe in you helps.

And so I give out cards and rubber ducks and hugs and well wishes, even as I die a little bit on the inside because people I care about are leaving.

It’s so confusing. I want them to leave. I want them to keep reaching for their goals and to do well. I want them to be happy. I would be angry if they stayed rather than going for what they really want.

But there is still this part of me who wants them to stay in my world, my sphere. I know it’s selfish of me. I know I have no right to feel this way and it is something I am still trying to work through and understand about myself.

In three years I haven’t been able to find a solution or explanation.

Should I give less of myself? Is this a consequence of caring so much? To feel so much happiness one must also feel so much sorrow? Can you have one without the other, or is balance the price I pay? Is the price to feel less pain less joy? Would that be worth it? Would I still feel fulfilled? Would my job still feel worthwhile?

Should I find a different job? Could I ever do anything other than teach now? Would anything ever give me the same rush? Is there anything that can hope to compare to that moment where I see the light switch on in their eyes? That moment where they smile and turn to me, ecstatic in their on ability, an ability that I helped them realize. That moment where they say “Thank you,” and mean it from the bottom of their heart.

Is there anything that can replace that? Equal that? Even be a fraction of that?

I don’t think there is. I wish the price for being part of those moments wasn’t twisting a dagger in my heart. I wish the price wasn’t farewell. I wish the price wasn’t being a pillar of knowledge, where I stand alone, letting the sands of time shift around me. Coming and going but never staying.

I don’t want to go to the ceremony. I don’t want to stand on stage and hug Tre and say congratulations when what I really want to say is, “Please don’t leave.”

How is that fair of me? Why must there be these selfish feelings inside of me which tarnish the here and now?

It’s hard to not cry right now. but since I’m in public it’s easier to breathe through it. To keep it controlled and contained. I don’t have anything else to do after the ceremony other than school work. Which come hell or high water I’m going to do.

Fuck you, Emotions. You’re not screwing with my grades any longer.

Part of me wonders if I’m ever going to have a normal week again.

I suppose I should note that yesterday was drama filled.

Susan moved out / broke up with Joshua. I don’t feel it is my place to comment on the situation, but I will say that I have known Joshua for two years, and I know he is not a bad person.

There are two sides to every story.

But yeah, that meant that yesterday I had roughly 10 people in my apartment helping Susan pack and move her stuff. Two of those people were Tre and his ex, so there were those confrontational emotions to deal with along with everyone else and the confusion of the situation in general.

None of the facts were very clear at the time. And to be honest I think most people still do not understand what is going on. I think I am one of the few people who have reached out and talked to Joshua and have both sides of the situation.

After all of that though, I had to go into work. XD

My brain was fried before I even stepped out of the house. Frank let me sit quietly and recover. I only had to answer a handful of questions, which I was able to do, so that was awesome.

The ‘packing’ situation was rougher still because Tre kept mentioning how he was going to be graduating.

Holy fuck dude, are you trying to see how much I can take before I go completely postal? Could you not do that? No? Cool, I’m going to step outside with Marc and let everyone do their thing and hopefully this will all be over soon. K. Thx. Bye. *hurriedly walks out of the over crowded apartment*

At the moment it’s nice sitting here, alone. It’s nice pretending that I don’t have to be anywhere or do anything. It’s nice to forget.

I’ve been listing to River by Hiatus on repeat for the past like… two hours. It’s connecting with something inside of me. It’s keeping me grounded.

I’m still coughing out my lungs, which sucks because it means I don’t have the gym as a form of release. I don’t want to run or doing anything overly straining on the risk of compromising my recovery process. But I don’t want to do anything light because it won’t be enough to get the emotions out. It will just be a tease that will leave me frustrated with the world.

Tomorrow I’m going to finish up painting the room I think. I have enough money for that last little bit of paint I want, so maybe that will help with things.

I think the only real thing that will help is time.

Speaking of, I suppose I should go so I’m not late.

As much as I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to miss it either.

Why does everything have to conflict inside me?