So there’s a lot to write about. It’s hard to believe that so little time has actually passed since my last ‘daily post’. It’s only been two days. The last post was about my break down over Tre getting ready to graduate.

I’ve posted since them. A cross stitch I finished, some posts about the 30 Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson. But I really haven’t written about life.

A metric crap ton happened yesterday. And today has been a very significant day as well. So I supposed I should just dive into it.

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The Conclusion of Thursday Night

I think I just needed a really good cry session. I stayed in lab and wrote my post. After I felt recovered enough I went upstairs to scan my cross stitch.

I had put very few things on my to-do list since I had known earlier in the day that it was going to be rough. I would have been pissed with myself if I had gone home and not done the handful of easy things I had given myself.

Scan the cross stitch, email the scanned image to Carol, put the image in your Dropbox folder. If your feeling froggy, post the image to WordPress, or save it for another day. Print the cross stitch pattern for Tre’s graduation gift.

Seriously, most of that stuff is “sit in front of the computer and push buttons”. Suck it up and do it, or I’ll make you feel guilty for the rest of the night. >.>

Fine, Brain… you don’t have to be a jerk.

So I went upstairs instead of going home. It was a good thing, though. At least I think it was. The coffee machine is upstairs, so since I was there, and feeling down, I made a cup of coffee.

It was warm and I was able to hold it against my cheek while I sat at one of the tables. Alone. But at least the area was brighter than the lab. So it felt more ‘social’. I was out in the open, and I was holding it together. Go me.

There’s a full kitchen upstairs. Sometimes there’s breakfast stuff like donuts and bagels. Things that I don’t really eat. But there were little packets of oatmeal the other night. I knew I wasn’t going to eat when I got home. I knew I wasn’t going to stop anywhere for food either. Oatmeal seemed like a good complement to coffee… So I made a bowl of apple cinnomin oatmeal.

I didn’t eat it at first. Instead I did everything I needed to do with my cross stitch. I printed the pattern out, too.

To-do list. Owned. I’m a bawce.

After that I sat for a really long time. Just holding my coffee. Thinking. Drinking it every once in a while. I could feel it getting colder in my hands.

I cried some more, but I didn’t care. I knew no one was around and the stabs of pain weren’t as intense as they had been in the lab, so I knew I was getting better. Healing sucks.

Eventually I ate, washed my dishes, then came home where I passed out.

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The Adventure Known as Friday

Friday was better than Thursday evening. I slept super hard so I woke up groggy. I had some really amazing and supportive comments on my post. I decided to do my 30 Day Challenge thing again. I had thought about starting in in January… Guess that shows how invested I was in it at the time.

So I wrote a bit.

I went to my sports bar. I really should just call it my haunt since that seems to be my place now. I had my normal server and we chatted for a bit. I placed my order, got to work going through my OmniFocus, and getting things squared away. I paid my bills. I had already gotten gas for the car before I went home the night before.

I didn’t want to start on my painting while I was there, so instead I pushed the computer aside, set my audio book to play, and started eating the wings which were getting cold.

While I was eating the story turned into a fight scene. I would like to mention that I’m not good with violence or wounds.

So I stopped eating and was just listening to the story, trying not to imagine the wounds being inflicted to me. I was a total badass and made it through the fight. Like, you have no idea how proud I was of myself.

Once the fight was over, the main character called for an herbalist to come help take care of the wounds. That’s were things got bad.

The story talked about how the herbalist had to stitch the wounds closed, and the character was describing what it felt like…

So…

I ended up passing out in my booth… And they had to call EMS…

No joke. I couldn’t make up half the shit that happens in my life…

Ok. So, I passed out. I knew it was going to happen. This isn’t the first time I’ve passed out from reading a really bloody scene (which is why I was proud of myself at first…). I’ve passed out in movies (on my first date ever actually… story for another post).

So I knew that I had waited too long in stopping the book. I was going to pass out. So I tried to lay down in my booth so I wouldn’t fall on the table or floor.

Concussions + public humiliation I don’t think would be a fun mix, and I really didn’t want to find out. So I tried to minimize the damage as best I could.

When I came to the manager was above me. I didn’t know where I was, who I was, or what was going on. I was scared, and then things started coming back to me.

I recognized the face. I started being able to make sense of what I was seeing, I could start registering sounds and what they meant. I remembered where I was at, why I was there. I remembered what had happened.

I was so embarrassed. >.<;

There had been couple sitting a few tables away from me. The woman was in scrubs and came over and took my pulse. She asked me how many fingers she was holding up. Four. Where was I? I was at Friendly Confines. It was Friday. 12:19.

How long had I been out?

Not long. The people behind me noticed I wasn’t moving.

Legally they had to call EMS to come check me out even though everyone agreed that I seemed fine. So I had to stay until they got there.

Literally 8 guys came in. How many people are needed to make sure I’m not dead? I guess eight… It’s a tricky thing, making sure someone is alive and stuff. Lots of work involved and group collaboration.

One of the guys was super nice, and was talking to me rather than standing around looking awkward. He seemed to understand that I was incredibly uncomfortable with the situation, and did his best to treat me as if nothing was going on. Just two people, chatting away…

He asked me what happened and I told him that I had been listening to a fight scene and that I could feel it as if it were happening to me, and that by the time I realized it was bothering me too much it was too late.

He asked me what book it was, and I told him it was the 3^rd book in the Eragon series. He said it must be really good, and I agreed, that it was pretty awesome.

My blood pressure was high. I don’t remember the numbers, but they recommended that I go to a GP to get checked out. They said they couldn’t force me to go, but it was highly recommended, so I added it to my to-do list.

Task #1000000: One day soon – go to the doctor.

As they were leaving the guy I had been speaking to said to hold off on reading more for a little while. I said that I would try not to pass out again when I started the next chapter. He smiled and said not to worry, if I did they would just come back. I smiled back and said that we would have to stop meeting like this.

Leave it to me to use a near death experience as an opportunity to flirt.

So that all happened Friday, around noon… Yeah… I still had work and shit that I hadn’t even started yet. F my life…

I paid for my food, got a to-go box and came back home. I plan to get thank you cards for my server and the manager. They were both super professional about the situation, and did their best to make sure I was ok. It meant a lot to me.

My head hurt, my body was exhausted from the situation and the emotional roller coaster. I didn’t work on my homework, and I didn’t care. I had PCC Critiques at 5. I would work on it after that. After I had recovered for a bit.

I didn’t go to aikido or the gym. I didn’t think that would be a smart idea.

So 5pm came and I found myself at school. It was the first trial with the Google Hangouts, and it actually went really well. There were some alumni who showed up which was fantastic.

There were a few technical issues that we got figured out. Using the wifi meant there were some lag issues every once in a while. But over all it was a huge success and I feel it’s how we’re going to be doing things from now on.

It was mentioned that the Hangout became ‘full’. So that’s something I need to look into. If there is a number limit that’s going to suck. Super, uber happy overall though.

It was mentioned that there was the possibility of next Friday not having a critique because of the Hall of Fame event the school is doing. There won’t be any open labs, so I wasn’t sure how it would work, but I would keep everyone posted about it.

Everyone became super sad because normally there isn’t a critique during the 4^th week so they can focus on getting their files squared away for their turn ins. That meant this would have been Tre’s last critique with everyone.

It was suggested that we not do a critique next week, but do one on the fourth week, since their assignments were due after the weekend rather than on Friday like normal.

So on the 27^th we’re going to be doing a critique and afterwards holding a ‘going away’ party for Tre. It made me feel good and bad. Good because I like the idea of being able to show my friendship through a gesture like that. Bad because saying goodbye sucks.

I’m glad we’re doing it though. I’m glad Tre will be able to have a memory like that of his friends. One last party to remember us all by.

After the critique I ended up standing / sitting outside the school talking with Tre. I had made a comment about how today had been an adventure, and when he inquired more about it I said I would rather talk about it outside instead of in the middle of an open lab.

I had already been publicly shamed, I didn’t need to go through it again in the middle of a lab.

So we went outside and I got to tell the whole story about passing out to him. I had already told my mom. I had actually called her after EMS had left. I had messaged Mother Earth to let her know what was going on and that I was fine. So this was the first person I had talked to about it face to face.

It led to conversations about books, which led to zombies, which led to relationships, which led to priorities, which led to… and down the rabbit hole we went, so two hours later we were still talking.

We ended up making plans to hang out at his apartment after his open lab was done.

Originally Tre was going to go back to his lab and said we should have more conversations like this. I mentioned getting food after his lab. Total spur of the moment, and I instantly felt self conscious after I said it.

What if he said no? What if he thought it was an advance? What if it made him feel awkward? What if, what if, what if? In the span of 5 seconds I’m pretty sure I aged an extra 10 years.

He said that instead of going out, that he had a pizza at home he could put in the oven and Woodchuck cider. I was more than welcome to come over if I wanted.

I accepted. I didn’t know where this was going. I wasn’t going to over think it. Go with the flow. And remember to breathe… Or you’ll pass out… again…

He said he would message me when he got home to let me know when to come over. So I went home and showered as a way to keep busy. I was so crazy productive during that hour. None of it school related… but damn does my room look awesome. Scarlet loved the attention, too.

So finally I got the text message saying he was home and to come over. And I did. I didn’t back out. I totally thought about it, though.

I don’t know why in my head this was different. But it was. Tre had been over to my place before. He had played table tennis with Susan, Joshua, and I.

How was going over to his place and having pizza with him and Joel, his roommate, any different? Girl logic? Introvert logic? I’m pretty sure it’s more like ‘No logic’… /sigh

I got there. I was welcomed inside, and after the initial phase of ‘oh god, oh god, oh god, it’s a new place, smile and don’t say much because inside you’re totally freaking out and you’ll say something stupid,’ I relaxed and everything was fine.

We watched Honest Movie Trailers. We talked about pretty much everything. Religion, did I think Disney was sexist, games I liked, more relationship stuff, school stuff, high school…

Gah. The three of us talked about so many things. It was awesome. I loved it. All of it.

It felt so worth it. I knew the responsible decision would have been to decline and to actually work on my assignments. But he is going to leave in less than three weeks. I’m not going to get this chance again. I can retake this class if I fail. I can withdrawal from the class if I wanted.

I’m not going to get this time back. I’m not going to have another chance to sit in the living room with him listening to stories about how he had to get a gecko off the ceiling one time and screamed like a girl when it jumped on him.

I want these moments. I feel like there is a part of me who needs them. I need these memories so I can hold it together once he’s gone. I will be able to remember the awesomeness that is our dynamic, whatever it is. It wasn’t that I was able to answer his questions all the time, or that I was ‘the cool instructor’.

No. We’re legit friends who can have a good time and share beers and pizza and silly stories about passing out while eating hot wings and the lose of manhood from the threat of a lizard.

I needed last night, and I regret nothing about it, and I will put those opportunities before anything else at the moment because I will never be able to do them again.

There is nothing saying that I will ever see this friend again. Just like I haven’t seen Mark in four years. Or Rob since before I moved to Florida, so six-ish? It had been two years since I saw Allision over Christmas break.

There is all of this time in-between when I see the people I care about, and nothing saying that I won’t die tomorrow. No, my homework isn’t as important as experiencing life with the people I care about. My computer screen won’t laugh with me, cry with me, share with me the same way another person will, the way the people I care about will. So I choose them.

Always.

That’s what it means to be in my inner circle. I will always choose you because you’re part of what makes me feel fulfilled and alive.

So that was my epic Friday.

I totally crashed when I got home, which wasn’t the best idea. I should have had water first. I’m constantly fighting dehydration. My lips are always chapped because I’m not drinking enough water, and I know that.

So of course the best think I could do for myself is to drink alcohol…

Like I said. No regrets.

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Saturday’s Closure

So today isn’t over yet, but it’s been a pretty big day as well. Not as big as passing out… but pretty up there.

I woke up and knew that I had to work today. No if ands or buts. School work… or else. /menacing glare

So I made myself a deal. I would go to Moe’s for lunch, and after eating I would sit and work for a while. Eventually I would need a change of scenery, and when that happened I would go to school and continue to work, maybe with a little bit of a break, and then I would have lab at 9pm.

So that’s what I did. I had my cup of coffee, I wrote my challenge post and set out some clear rules for myself.

I think the school rule will help in later weeks, but this week is sort of fucked since it’s Saturday already.

I showered, packed up my stuff, and headed out to take care of the day. I got the base colors blocked out, then started adding shading the skin tones and hair of the character. I really liked all of the progress I made.

By then it was around 3pm. I was at a good stopping point. I stretched my back making it pop all the way up, which felt fantastic, then looked around, sort of adjusting to being back in the ‘real world’.

I had been jamming out to the music coming through my headphones, drawing on my Wacom tablet, totally oblivious to the rest of the people around me. It was awesome.

I thought about my key priority, and how I really wanted to go to the gym. I had already missed aikido this morning, but I had missed my run yesterday. I could make up for that and still get a little bit of ‘personal growth’ in for the day.

So I packed up my stuff. If I didn’t slack around on my time I could make it to the gym, workout, shower, and get to school by 5pm.

Since the school runs off of four hour blocks, that’s sort of how I structure my life, too. 1am, 5am, 9am, 1pm, 5pm, 9pm. Those are ‘start’ numbers. They’re the start of labs and lectures. So if I can ‘start’ something on one of those hours I’m normally pretty happy. Just how my brain works now.

So I wanted to get to school by 5pm.

I got to the gym a little before four I think. I honestly don’t remember the time.

I put my gym bag with all of my cloths into my locker, I got my headphones and phone setup and ready for my run. I felt good about it. This was going to be an awesome run.

I happened to look at my phone to get Spotify setup with my music when I saw I had a text message. I always have my phone on Do Not Disturb (the nerd part of my brain is happy that abbreviates to DnD). I looked closer and it was from Sir. He wanted to know if I was busy.

I was on instant defense mode. “Are you busy?” normally doesn’t lead to good conversations. It’s like, “We need to talk.” Not good juju.

I said I was about to run, and asked if everything was ok. He said yeah, he just wanted to have a quick civil discussion.

“Civil discussion”= “You’re not going to like what I say and will get your back up and this will be an argument”

Not cool. Not cool. Not cool.

As I’m mentally going through every action I have done in the past six-ish months I asked if I had done anything wrong.

As I was waiting for a reply I sent my inner four year old to time out, and my inner scientist took over with her wire-rimmed glasses.

Logic: He’s never been rude to you. You’ve never even really fought. He’s being diplomatic in his language. It’s the same thing you do to other people. He’s going through some personal stuff and might just need some support.

Fact: You know you want to hear his voice, so you can stop freaking out and just admit that even if he had said he was going to yell at you none stop you would have answered the phone.

Fuck you, brain. I’m going to go sit in the corner with my four year old and pout because of how sad, but true, your statement is.

His reply message said no. I hadn’t done anything wrong (huzzah), he just wanted to talk.

Mentally I change into a cheerleader outfit.

We can do this. It’s been, what? Over six months? We can have a conversation. We got this.

So I walked out of the gym and was sitting on one of the brick ledges when he called. I answered. And I heard his voice.

I can’t remember the conversation word for word, and part of me feels awful about that, but I remember every emotion, and will until the day I die, because that’s how I remember things. I remember by what I felt.

I was relieved to hear his voice, sad that it still hurt a little to hear, worried because he sounded so tired, in a way, defeated.

He said that he didn’t want to take up too much of my time because he knew I was about to go running, but that there was some stuff going on in his life and it made him re-evaluate some things.

He said he wanted me to know that he wasn’t angry at me. That he didn’t hate me for the break up. That he was sad it hadn’t worked out, but that he had enjoyed the time we had together. That I was one of the few people he had legitimately loved, and that I would always be the best chapter in his book, his life story.

I was crying by the time he had said his peace.

I had curled up, hugging my knees facing one of the pillars the brick ledge wrapped around so the people going in and out of the gym couldn’t see my face.

I felt so much. I felt loved. I felt understood. I felt like I wasn’t a terrible person.

It means a lot for me to end my relationships on a ‘good’ note. I want there to be an understanding that I still have feelings for that person. That it’s not a personal attack against them. It’s not a failing on their part. It’s not that I hope they fall off the face of the planet or burn to ashes so I can dance on them. Rawr!

The end of a relationship is incredibly hard for me. More so if I know I am hurting the other person and it isn’t a mutual break up. I hate it. I feel awful and agonize over it.

It meant so much to know that he doesn’t hate me. That he doesn’t regret me. It feels like there is actually closure for this section of my life. It feels like maybe it can be mended to the point were we’re awkwardly friendly. Awkward because I would be awkward.

It makes me want to cry again with relief. Like I’ve had this weight on my shoulders that I hadn’t realized was there, but now it’s gone and I realize how much I had been carrying. I realize how much better I feel now on a spiritual level.

That phone call meant the world to me, and I can’t say thank you enough.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for taking the time to call me. To let me know how you really feel.

Thank you for showing me that not all guys are jerks. Thank you for being part of my life, my story. Thank you for being you, and know that I don’t regret you either. I don’t hate you, or wish you ill. I wish only the best for you, and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

I hope one day all four of us can hang out again and joke about how your character fell off the banister and how we will never let you live that down. Not even in cyber space. We started as a leather family, and I still think of all of us as one, even if it’s a tangled complicated mess.

You made me Freya. You gave me that name. And I’ll always think of you when I use it. I made myself a warrior, but you made me realize my strength.

We ended up getting off the phone eventually. My tears had dried and I felt better, stronger. I felt spiritually clean.

And I was so going to kick that treadmill’s ass.

And I totally did. I cut off a full minute on my run time. A 16 minute mile. Still not solid. I had to walk a bit. But I alternated between 10 min mile speed and 15 min mile speed while I was doing my run intervals. So I’m trying to keep my pace up while I am running. And I can tell I’m running longer intervals by default. My first quarter mile was all at a 10 min mile pace.

I did really well today because even after my first mile I keep going. My legs still had more to give. One of the custodians actually had to get my attention to tell me the gym was closed otherwise I would have kept running.

So I didn’t get to shower at the gym. And I didn’t make it into work at 5. I’ll be lucky if I get there at 8. But I’m ok with that.

I’m ok with my day, and how life is going. I’m still sad that Tre is going to leave. But I’ll make the most out of what I am given. I am happy that I have true closure to what I feel was my healthiest relationship. I glad that I am doing my challenge and getting my life back into order.

I’m glad with myself, and the amazing people I have in my life.

My mom, and brothers, Mother Earth and J, my blogging buddies, my friends and loved ones. Everyone. Even the people who will never read any of these pages ever. Thank you for being part of my life and for helping to make me who I am.